Monday, November 30, 2009
I had a really good night on Saturday I haven't done that for years.
Off to bed now and let's see how the week pans out. I need to do some sorting out this week for my diary for December as it looks pretty full already.
Thoughts for this week are for Steve in the US who will have his poke and peek on Thursday and so prayers, crossed fingers and all good karma to be focused over there for the 3rd December. If clear - no more BCG treatment. Also keep a thought out for my friend JM over here. I saw him Friday and he had some serious issues with the initial TURBT as they managed to get him bleeding and had to reenter and sort it out. The scan was inconclusive but no spreading to the Lymph nodes which is good. Wishing JM all the best as he has another scan and a poke and peek too soon.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
A word that I use very infrequently. Flocky Bicep and I turned up to our Lodge Ladies' Night normally attired and then changed into Jake and Elwood - the Blues Brothers. Flocky got the hats and they were exactly what we needed.
We came on and did a cameo set for about 3 or 4 minutes and then I did my Disk Jockey bit for about an hour. It really took me back and despite all the effort that went in, it was still a real buzz finding tracks to get people dancing. Now I can remember why I used to get such a kick out of it when I was younger. In those days we were well practised in the art of getting everyone up dancing, changing tracks to suit moods etc. This time it was difficult as I had a much wider audience. I did cheat and put on an 80/90s record to get them dancing. We did really well as I had recorded enough music to last 4 weeks and used just one hour of that - which is a shame as so much was geared to the people there.
I am going to sleep well tonight. We finished at 1 am and it is 1.35 now - I did a long set and then loads of dancing in character so I should have no problem in falling asleep and I may not be too fast getting up in the morning.
I really did let my hair down tonight and got stuck in to try and ensure everyone had a good time. I am absolutely whacked out as we did the routine at the start and carried on dancing until we finished. PHEW!!!
I have really enjoyed myself tonight and I'm really glad that we had a good number to enjoy the evening with us. I am not sure if Flocky and I will ever make it as entertainers but we did try our best!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Work was - well - boring but the drudge is almost over as the documents are so near complete that I can hear them saying "print me".
I must sort myself out and get away from work for a while before I scream and do something stupid! I am likely to do that and self-destruct if I have to take any more brain numbing, pedantic semantic, committee driven nonsense.
In fact if I work this properly I can complete most of my outstanding work by mid December. Then there are the rounds of parties to attend but I can probably do that this year. Lat year I was going into Hospital (or wasn't) whatever the case maybe. Then I ended up not getting back to work until February!!!!
I am still working away getting ready for my Gig on Saturday as DJ Dave dididando or whatever they are going to call me. It will be a BIG nostalgia trip but I now realise that I have produced at least 30 hours worth of tracks for a 1 1/2 hour slot!!! Doh.
I find that I am quite moved by listening to some tracks that I haven't heard for 25 or more years though. Some of the tunes brought memories flooding back to me of my young, care free days. Ahhhhhh. Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Luckily it is almost over and done with for this year bar the shouting - in 4 weeks time (yes just 4 weeks) it will be the last day at work although I might just take longer off again.
I am so tired too but I think it is boredom and utter frustration that are doing this - work is just a drudge at the moment and whilst I am sure it will get better in the New Year I'm still not certain that I can continue to numb my brain like this for long periods of time. It isn't built for it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I spent most of the day messing around on pedantic semantics and not getting on and doing my job. By the time the afternoon came I had accomplished the square root of sweet Fanny Adams! Then I just wanted to go home and go to sleep. I find it tedious and not a little demeaning that I am treated like some clerk and my patience is beginning to slip because no one seems to get it into their heads that drudgery and routine are not something I search out. It may be fine for my colleagues to turn up day after day and do the same thing in some mechanical no thought manner but in reality, doing that to me is like caging a wild beast in very small cage. I'm going to rip your arm off and eat it or beat you over the head with it or something silly because you are oppressing my natural tendency to be creative. Kill that off and there isn't any reason to hire me. If you want a clerk, hire a clerk. The trouble is I can hear myself saying this to the boss in a week or two as it IS what they need to do.
Other than that - this week looks to be as busy as you like. Plenty of things going on lots of meetings and parties to go to. I just hope that I survive in my job to the end of the week!
As an Ex-DJ I have to do a set or two on the evening and the discos these days do not have Record Decks - oh no - they have CD decks - so I have been transferring vinyl to disk most of the weekend as well as being out yesterday to attend this Lodge meeting where my Friend initiated his son.
That was a very emotional and touching ceremony. I drove his son there and chauffeured them around arriving back about 2 am. They were laughing at me as I was drinking Tomato Juice and Worcester Sauce all night and - sure - I'd have liked to whack a couple of Vodkas in there but the main thing was that THEY had a good evening and I was able to provide transport for them to and from their door and they could just get on and enjoy themselves.
I was up at a half reasonable hour this morning but have been stuck on the deck and burning CDs all day which has been a bit tedious - nothing is ever as easy as you think it is going to be!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Today should be interesting my friend's son is being initiated into his Father's Lodge and I have the privilege of going to collect his son in an hour or so and escorting him to the hall and I'll get to drive him and his dad back tonight. I will - for once - not have anything to drink and that will probably do me good anyway, I drank enough on Thursday to have used my whole month's units :-)
I'm looking forward to seeing him getting initiated he is allowed to join younger because his dad is a member - normally you have to be 21, he is 18 but has always wanted to become a member as most of the immediate family are members. I went out and chatted to him last week and he too is looking forward to today. There will be a lot of people there including the Provincial and Deputy Provincial Grand Masters and I'm sure a string of other dignitaries too. A memorable day for all I hope.
Friday, November 20, 2009
I hope that they appreciate it but I don't think too many actually understood the rationale behind revisiting the strategy of the area I am working on. Ho hum, maybe we can get there and I can get back to making a difference. If not - perhaps I'll not be there shortly....
The niggling little cough is still just about there and I'm feeling OK. I had another one of those strange things occur. I was sitting down and suddenly felt like I wanted to light up a cigar, after all this time and after all this damage - how strange.
I am still surprised that I am in relatively good shape after the "normal" evenings out drinking with these guys.
At least a day at home for recovery. Off again tomorrow for an afternoon and evening out. I think I will have a day out with no drinking and see if I can manage that.
An out of the world Fruit De Mer to start with Old English Pork followed by a Spanish Cheese Board.
3 or was it 4 bottles of red wine and a good three or four beers before hand. Worryingly I got home in one piece stayed awake all of the way - I did cheat with Taxis to Charing Cross from Euston and to the end of my road. A couple of pints of water will, I am certain, stave off too much overnight dehydration but I am surprisingly sober.
I went out with these guys some time ago and I'm still getting flashbacks of that night now. It would be easier to list all the bars, clubs and restaurants we didn't go to in the Greater London area than list the ones we visited!!!
The three wise men out on an evening - as luck would have it - we have calmed down a lot and I actually got home this time. They are staying in an Hotel in London.... Good for them!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I have my meeting tomorrow and am out with some old friends in the evening although I hope not for too long as this cold feels as if it is about to break.
I managed to get a little revenge in tonight. My colleague packed paper and bits in a load of my files but I was in early enough to clear it all out and so not make a fuss. This was a while ago. Today she arrived in wearing a hat. I was able to put some paper clippings in that and I hope to find her pretty annoyed with me in the morning as she hadn't gone home when I did and would have an interesting moment when putting on the hat.
I am having Friday off, I need to catch up on a lot more work at home and I need to sort out records for a 60s and 70s disco that I am being DJ for in a few weeks time. Life is busy and work is the opposite. I just need to get through tomorrow's meeting with the Chairman and the rest of my Committee. I will see if I can steer them in to the committee I deserve. At the moment, sometimes it feel like a punishment from hell rather than anything else.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
One thing after another though - can you believe I now have a sore throat and a dry cough - just an irritating cough every few minutes but that's enough.
I wonder if some of it is to do with work and my heart not really being in it at the moment. Today was just dire and I fell asleep at my PC again this afternoon. There is nothing really exciting happening and the Christmas Cards arrived today and no one quite realises it but apart from my committee meeting on Thursday my year's work is pretty much wrapped up.
The trouble is many think that I actually do other things in the organisation where, in fact, I just enable them for others. There just isn't any ownership and so it looks as if it is my doing.
Anyway, I'm certain that there is some truth in the fact that I really can't be bothered sometimes to drag my sorry arse all the way to London to sit and stare at a PC screen and help someone complete their Excel spreadsheet!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Picture that we are in a club, near a railway and the front door is alarmed to make a two tone noise as people enter and leave through the security door. It is very quiet and not many people are in the room and the door alarm goes off, just the once.
"Wow" said I, "that was a really tiny train wasn't it?"
Now - if you can put yourself in the place of my audience of about 5 people. 3 got it immediately and burst into laughter, one joined a little later and one sat blank faced for about a minute and then got it. To even connect the railway behind the club and the alarm sound is a long leap and so for anyone to actually pick up on it was pretty good.
I have a lateral brain and it picks up connections and parallels in conversation and (thank goodness) is back to almost as sharp as it used to be. I love the spontaneity and sheer pythonesque qualities of my sense of humour. I also like the very dark stuff too - although it doesn't wash with my parents who never got the funny side of my Tee Shirt "I'm Not Dead Yet!" and still don't. Well if it was your child talking like that about their cancer what would you think?
My personality keeps me going. My whole family have the most in tune sense of humour you can imagine. A room full of us are about as controllable as a barrel load of monkeys. Each would feed off the other. My kid Brother and I can spark a series of conversations on the phone which comprise, humorous lines, mimicry of almost any dialect and language you want, old and new punchlines, completed by each other in real time and in stereo and still have some room to get in a few digs at each other. The verbal fireworks are great - it is who I am, it what people expect of me and I do try and deliver a "good performance" and be on my best form as it is one of the reasons I feel I should survive and be around a bit longer. A smile and bit of humour and some wit and repartie contribute to living - its what it is all about. All the time your are down and upset are wasted moments and if only everyone could be a little looser, a little less uptight the world would be a much nicer place.
I am determined to be good humoured no matter what and spread good feelings as life is too short and it ain't a rehearsal. Shame it takes quite such a threat to my life to make me see it though.
I think I might need to work out what is left to do this year and sort out if I can get the remainder of the work done and spend less time in the office. I tend to think I can.
My leg still hurts a bit I just hope tomorrow isn't too bad getting in to work.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
At our meeting tonight my friend and I are pronounced as being clear, technically in remission and the to hear that our colleague was this bad was just so devastating. I bumped into someone unknown to me before tonight and he was telling me that his wife had just months to go before she dies from some other particularly nasty form of disease that will render her blind first and then death will follow quite soon. It makes me shudder writing it.
Despite all of that we had a good evening and met up with some people we haven't seen for ages. Just a shame about the other news.
Friday, November 13, 2009
I can't say that I feel any better today really. I got dressed and can still feel this cut / abrassion against my trousers and I know that if I walk any distance I'll set it off again. So I've stuck a load more cream on it and decided that discretion is the better part of valour. I can do my work from here for a while.
I am getting fed up of this time off work but I know it is better to do this than to go in today and end up twice as bad ready for next week when I need to be in.
At least the weekend awaits and I can get a few days R&R in before heading back to the office.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I'm continuing working on this "other" project and it is really exciting but I'm getting impatient to get stuck in and really give it a go. It probably wont be until the end of Q1 next year but it will just be so interesting to work on and to produce something really interesting. The current job doesn't inspire anymore as it is dealing with the same old, same old and how anyone can have a job that never actually produces anything but just keeps the wheels turning is beyond me and YES - I know we have to have jobs and industries and people like that but I'm not one of them and I just don't get it :-)
All the time I beat myself up because I'm not delivering or I'm not achieving what I could do. I tell you that I am coming back on stream with avengence and getting back to my old self. I don't have the energy but I sure do have the brain power back which I can tell you I have really missed. I get the odd word wrong and it takes me a little while to remember things and names but in reality my mind is working at a speed and at a level of lateral and creativity that I am now much happier with. If you go back a year or so, you may recall that the treatment was making me forgetful and lethargic whereas now - I feel I am climbing back towards the levels I used to have. All I need is the energy and fitness to catch up with my brain and I can announce that I am back.
I seem to have had so many ailments in the past 3 and a half years which have made up for my near 30 year clear run!! If anything comes along I appear to get it. Got the Dizzy spells, that awful cold and infections earlier this year, this problem with my leg and all sorts of stupid little niggles. I'm actually getting quite p1ssed off with being not 100%.
I shouldn't moan and I should be aware there are people far worse off that I am but even so, I just never seem to feel on top of my game, 100%, fit, healthy, the right weight and all that good stuff. It is frustrating not depressing.
I still wonder whether I ought to look to have a short rest period away from work just to sort myself out and get my head and body back into some sort of shape.
These two days have actually been quite good as I haven't been able to do much and so have sat down and actually got stuck into some of my outstanding paperwork.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I can work from home - the office is aware - or will be wen they get in and I am set up to work from here.
Yesterday was again a boring day and I was falling asleep at my desk. I think I remember last year being this bad too. There is little real work to get your teeth into and what work there is appears to be bitty and mundane.
I hope that I will be OK to go out later today. I am due to a meeting this afternoon and just hope that my leg has calmed down a bit by then.
Monday, November 09, 2009
I'm sat here wondering quite what to get stuck into. Time is dragging and I am scratching around trying to sort out what 5 minute jobs there are.
The trouble is that there really isn't that much left to do until January! How worrying is that.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I need to be diplomatic and not actually tell everyone what I think this week :-)
The past few weeks have definitely seemed to be testing my patience and ability to continue to work on a load of mundane tasks. It bores the hell out of me.
I'm obviously getting better. I'm still tired but my mind appears to be back to its need to do something a little more creative than this job allows me to be. I'm finding the hum drum day-to-day work is wearing a little thin. It's nice to be the do-er and someone who provides all the support at the office but that is little comfort when it has taken 3 or more months to get to a final of our Christmas Card and it is still not finished and people STILL want to change it.
I always find the service moving but for the first time in years I was actually out and went down to Gillingham and back to get some of my Regalia to be invested as a Grand Officer next month.
They've made some massive improvements to the road and all the roadworks are now gone so I flew down there and back in about half the time I thought it would so I did get to see the end of the service. It was interesting to see that I could get to the new International Rail Terminal in about 20 minutes. It makes Paris and Brussels less than 3 hours away!
Today is a lazy day. Watch TV, catch up on emails and generally chill out before the next crazy week at work. I hope to be able to keep my calm this week - I find it quite testing at the moment but that could be that I realise that there isn't much of a job left.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I said I had found the early letters and here are a few of the actual words on the one after the first operation:
"His Bladder tumour was a G3P T1 so [sic] so with earlier invasion and I have explained this to him. It was a moderate size so it does represent potential risk to him and I have explained that we will need to do a further Cystoscopy and Biopsy to improve the staging. "
That was a long time ago though and it was interesting coming across the letter again. It brought it back to me and that conversation with my Consultant when she explained the full gravity of this particular diagnosis.
It is amazing how things have progressed from there. The potential risk has diminished but the "potential" is always there. It was explained that there is a significant chance of a recurrence but the longer you stay clear then the risk goes down.
It was quite good to see these and just remind myself of my good fortune.
The new car is here and looks very nice indeed. Everyone seems happy apart from my wallet which is creaking and groaning under the strain :-).
I pulled out some of my papers and found the original letter from the Hospital confirming my diagnosis. It made quite sombre reading. Especially the words "It is quite a significant threat to him."
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Of the London Lunchtimers. www.lunchtimers.org
But Flocky has just dropped me a line to say his dizzy spells have come back and I have to say - now that he mentions it - so I can feel every so slightly the same. Mind you I had one of my sneezing fits tonight (runs in the family and we don't sneeze once - we sneeze with rhythm!).
I was explaining to someone today how important it was to have a mundane job and then why I hated it so much. A strange twist in my outlook as I now feel so under utilised that I can take almost 4 days off this week and still have completed all I need to do!
Other than the risk of getting the dizzy spells back I do hope to get in to work tomorrow as I have an appointment I'd like to keep with our PR compatriots in the other charities.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Or I appear to be now. How strange that was. I did a quick check on my Blood Pressure and I was normal but low for me 128 / 90. I did go downstairs and take things easy - easy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so and I've gradually felt better. Now I am about to go to bed and I can still notice that I have been a little off balance but nowhere near the feeling that I was about to pass out that I had earlier in the day. That was most weird.
I missed going to my Lodge meeting tonight but if I'd have collapsed there it wouldn't have been much fun either.
Tomorrow is a busy day again, I hope that I'll be able to last through as I have a conference call tomorrow to sort out some figures and a lunchtime appointment which I am looking forward to as I should be voted the Vice Chair of a dining club and that will give me something to do in the next few years! If I do get voted on then this time next year I take the chair.
So off to bed and hopefully the wobbly balance stuff will be gone in the morning. It is always a worry when you wander around as if drunk and yet have been nowhere near alcohol.
Was on the phone to me to see how I was. Strange thing this dizzy stuff, he had the same yesterday and so perhaps something going around. It is the most strange feeling.
Mrs F. just told me that perhaps I need to slow down a bit and take things easy. I can't think that I have been overdoing it but as she rightly reminded me I've been in my office for 12 hours yesterday and a good 8 already today.
I think I shall take my own advice then and go and sit downstairs and take it easy. I was due out but have now cancelled that (although I've given myself a buffer of an hour on that decision). I really wanted to go but sometimes I need someone to reflect back the advice I'd give to others which is go and sit quietly downstairs and take it easy for a short while then see how you feel.
Perhaps overdoing it is a bit too far but time to take it easy nonetheless.
I feel most peculiar. I've come over all dizzy and light headed. Not quite feinting but nevertheless not good.
I'm going to sit outside for a while and get some fresh air and might have to go and lie down. I don't need a cold or anything else right now - I have too much to do.
As I walk around I see people putting their health at risk all the time and I feel sorry for them. I see young people smoking and I wonder what health problems they are storing up for themselves in the future. Some people who can hardly walk or waddle along as they are so overweight and you just know that Diabetes and heart problems are just waiting in the wings.
One of the major things I did was to cut down on sugar and I changed my lifestyle. I was a bit binary at the begining causing myself all sorts of trouble. I wanted things fixed in a few days and in reality changes take a little longer than a few days do do. I also overdid most things. SImple diet changes include increased fruit and vegetable intake and what I thought was a good idea to reduce my sugar intake, cut right back on salt and also cut back on processed items as much as possible.
Invariably you cannot cut everything out but you can take many steps to do so. As my Doctor told me "Don't live like a Hermit". However the shock is around the changes I made in sugar as I moved away from sugar and in doing so cut down caffeine. I used sweeteners to replace the sugar. It appears that these may have adverse affects on my bladder. Sugar, as you can see from Steve's research, and Cancers tend to go hand in hand. So I am now looking at cutting these down too. I am sure I cannot just give them up but I will phase them out. It is going to make my occasional Espresso taste different but then maybe I'll allow myself the odd one every now and then.
There are a number of things you can do to gradually change your lifestyle and reducing salt, sugar and saturated fats are some of them. I can't be arsed to go to extremes on this though. We all know that a balanced meal using fresh ingredients, plenty of fruit and vegetables and ensuring that your fibre intake is correct etc. all lead to better health and that together with moderate exercise also help. Balance Diet - those two words say it all. Don't live like a Hermit, don't become obsessed and faddy with food. If you happen to be tempted by a huge Jam Doughnut today, grab some fruit later or tomorrow. After all you can treat yourself once in a while can't you?
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
I'm at home again tomorrow and hope to get a bit more work done. I've been pretty busy setting up the new printer and looking after the window guy so managed only a little today. At least I wasn't at work where I threw a spanner in earlier as the Christmas Card supplier cannot print our specials and get them back to us until early December if I gave them the finalised card now. Interestingly enough, the committee are still messing about with it and so maybe they will sort them that out by the time I get back. Oh look pigs just flew by my window.
Oh well - off to bed - to see if another night's sleep will improve things!
I woke at least 3 times during the night feeling uncomfortable and made my way to the bathroom but I really felt sleepy, as if I could go to sleep on my feet each time.
I automatically wake at 5:18 every morning just before my alarm goes off, I knew I wasn't at work and so went back to sleep. My alarm went off at 7:45 and I did no more than turn that off and eventually dragged myself out of bed.
I'm glad that I will be at home today and tomorrow so that I can catch up and this is after just one day at work! It almost beggars belief that I can feel so lethargic.
The problem is this isn't feeling tired like you can for a day or two, this just goes on and on and on. Sure there are good and bad days associated with it and I'm not getting any worse thank goodness hence my comment bumping along the bottom. The answer has to be to get even more exercise and to work on my diet further. Both aren't easy considering that I leave the house at just gone 6 in the morning and get back around about 6:30 and so my time is severely limited.
I ought to face up to the facts that I ought to be doing something at work (despite the fact that I walk a fair distance each day to and from the stations at either end). However, to get a routine would be difficult to achieve such is my crazy schedule of meetings etc. Additionally it just isn't something I particularly "get". Going to a Gym and then coming back to work or even going before or after work.
I realise that the solution is in my control and so I need to work out what to do.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Every day is Christmas for me of course.
At least we didn't get any Halloween visits this year and the fireworks ave been kept to a minimum for the past few days by the rain.
So - what else can I blog about apart from just being generally a bit offish at the moment. Work isn't great and I just don't seem to feel motivated but that is just one of those things. I know work is going to be frustrating and annoy the hell out of me tomorrow and so a few days off work will sort it out no doubt.
It is 20 months since I started at the Charity and I'm getting to that point in my job that it really is beginning to get - well - boring. The people are great but the work is now routine and mundane. The big project is delivered and I'm now struggling with "committee authoring". This fannying around and arguing semantics is wearing extremely thin at the moment. I have decided to take a few days off and to space out my working and that will perhaps help with the anger management bit.
Certainly this week I need to just pull away from the office a little bit as I'm certainly not enjoying things there at present.