Goodbye 2006

2006 - Am I glad to see the end of you!

What a year, what a ride - no more of the same for 2007 please.

2007 will have to be better - I haven't thought of any New Year's Resolutions excepting the getting fit, eating better and looking after myself a bit more than I perhaps have in the past.

Happy New Year to you all!

Late Again

A sort of pattern emerging although tonight I was coughing and have just gone and sorted out that age old remedy some hot honey, lemon and a shot of brandy to see if I can stop this incessant tickle in my throat.

Whilst seeing if that is working and in an effort not to wake up the remainder of the house I have got myself into my office for a short while.

New Year's Eve - 2007 is going to be a very different year. last year things were going in a totally different direction on many fronts. This year I am going to be considering all sorts of options and making decisions on those - gone will be the snap decisions of years before, lots of planning will be needed to make sure that I work around the Hospital dates and treatments but that I can still keep as normal a life as possible. I don't think the last point will be achievable but I'll give it a go anyway.

Only time will tell if everything I have will still exist in the coming months. I foresee somethings not surviving the changes that have happened or are happening. I'm not going to predict whether it will be work, social, family or other at the moment but I just have this feeling that I'm not only going to have Bladder Cancer on my CV of traumatic life incidents by the same time next year - something else will be added to the list.

It sounds pessimistic, I suppose it probably is, but perhaps inevitable as well. In the back of my mind is the very real possibility of telling someone that "life is too short" and walking away from something - could be work (I've done that before) it could be something I'm involved in socially, it could be something worse - I'll get to that when I get there.

Honey, Lemon and Brandy are sort of clearing the throat and almost finished so I'll finish for now. I suppose I had better work on some New Year's Resolutions!

It was a long night

I think I finally fell asleep at about 3. Damn brain will go and do this occasionally and go off down some long and complicated set of "What if" scenarios. There is no easy way to stop it doing this. Nothing get sorted out of course as all of these scenarios can only be played out if certain conditions are met and then certain other conditions are met. It is no use second guessing what may happen as it hasn't happened - just try and tell your brain that when you've got Cancer or anything else though!

Living and Survival

I have read a number of accounts of people with various Cancers and the words surviving and living are used with different emphasis throughout.

Surviving in my view is staring death in the face and not dying. However some people survive a number of years. I tend to think of myself as living with the condition and hoping for remission or cure or whatever. I wouldn't consider that survival, I'd call that living.

It really is far too late on a Friday night to even be thinking like this but this is the sort of time when the brain gets active and you know you are in for a long sleepless night!

Failing to meet my expectations

Not me - this is other people. You come out of treatment changed and you expect a lot more of people, you've changed, why haven't they? You set high expectations, perhaps too high and the trouble is they will always fail to meet your ideals.

I can't tell you why I expect more from those around me but I do. I expect people to understand the problems I have been through, the pain, the trauma and to treat me differently. I'm guessing that this is where the problem lies. I've spent ages dumbing down and making light of what I have, now I am expecting most people to realise that actually it was serious and I'm not getting the balance right at all. I always say I'm fine, I'm OK and I am now, I wasn't earlier on - only now do I realise just how much I've been through these past 5 months - the mind must just blank it out.

The real issue is that I am finding it hard to realise that actually I am the only person who has changed and all those around me are the same as before - why should they have changed, there was nothing life changing in their lives. For me, things will never be the same again and so outlook, expectations and time all matter differently to me than to anyone who knew me before. I have a view that I might not be here too long and so you (or I) ought to do something now rather than put it off. I want to fit in more and yet no one else does. I can imagine this is going to lead to some interesting situations as things progress as typically I wouldn't kick up a stink about this and I haven't so far but sooner or later I'm bound to pose the question.

I notice that I really do give stick to suppliers and others when I'm dealing with them on the phone or in correspondence so I imagine it may be only a short time before everyone else gets the "benefit of my thinking".

Tiredness

It can only be that since Christmas Eve we have not stopped having people here, going out and so on. Additionally I have been exercising for about an hour each time which I have not been used to for 5 months or so.

It was Christmas Day that marked the 5th month Anniversary of the first operation. It doesn't seem that short a period at all - I suppose because so much has happened. I've enjoyed Christmas this year more because I didn't think I'd be here.

Today I've just got some odd paperwork to do, the family are out at the sales and I've had a good sleep. I feel a bit tired but not fatigued. I'll see how today pans out.

That Strange Feeling

I reckon that it is one of those things you get that plays on your mind.

"If I get to survive the first one maybe there is another one lined up to get me" coupled with that is "If he wants me that bad...."
"Something else is wrong with me"
"I wonder if it is coming back again"

I can't say that it is worrying me a lot it is just one of those nagging little things at the back of your mind and one of the things you have to deal with.

The slightest twinge or ache gets you worried about what it could be. Having been relatively healthy for 30 years I've gone from being someone who rarely worried about my health to a border line hypercondriac (well not quite) but I'm aware of my body and how I feel all the time.

I don't get it so much now but earlier on in the very early days before the operation and before I knew better the little voices would be there with stuff like "You won't be there for your children when they need you", "You'll predecease your parents" and that sort of stuff. It goes with the territory and its part of the disease. You just have to learn to put the thoughts as far away as possible as that isn't the present situation - nor is it likely to be. The Brain though is a complicated thing and it can be a nuisance having a questioning mind.

Again very tired today

Well Yesterday actually. Absolutely knackered and I slept for 10 hours. I wonder if I am ailing for something? Hope not I could do without anything else going wrong in 2006 and for a good start to 2007. I have a horrible feeling that there is something else wrong with me - perhaps just being a bit pessimistic there but whilst I still feel well something is nagging at the back of my mind about this tiredness.

Ten Hours

Sleep that is - slept like a log only just got up but feel better for it. Off out in a few minutes - at least I don't have to do anything myself today apart from drive there.

Almost overdone it

Phew - what is it? 1:10 in the morning and we have just cleared away from the party. We kicked it off with a walk yesterday afternoon lasting an hour and just went on from there with lots of food, booze and party games! I have to say though I really am knackered. Wife told me to go to bed ages ago but it isn't fair but now I have helped tidy up, I am really feeling it. She is tidying up downstairs, just the last few bits. Out again tomorrow and I hope that as a guest all I need to do is eat, drink and be my amusing self! Any more work than that and I'll be out of it! At least I'll get Friday off.

I caught a little bit of TV magic today - "Goodbye Mr. Tom" I think it was. Blow me if I wasn't almost reduced to tears by the last 30 minutes of it. I can honestly say that I don't get moved by stories like this normally, no matter how well acted but it just hit a chord today I think.

Off to bed now - should sleep like the proverbial log!

They took a lot more out of me than I thought

I have started to notice that my level of physical fitness is nowhere near what it was before the operations and treatment, I was breathing hard walking up the hill home last night. I feel really well and so it is a bit of a surprise that I am weaker than I feel or not as fit as my brain keeps telling me I am. Going for a walk is not a problem and I have enjoyed that recently but I am thinking about how I now go on to increase my level of fitness as it is obvious that there is a wide gap between what I think I can do and what I can actually achieve.

I did take things very easy after both operations and I have also been extremely careful not to do anything to screw up the treatment etc., that tends to mean being quite sedentary and you certainly don't want to do too much after a TURBT as you can set yourself bleeding again. That leads to sitting or lying down for long periods of time and not burning off the food which, if I think about it, probably grew in quantity although I have not been eating fattening things.

Diet alone isn't going to do this I need to start working on my fitness levels too.

Tired

Again, it is creeping up on me. A long day yesterday and I was out for a walk this morning, with friends at lunchtime and then at a family do this evening and I am really feeling tired. OK It's late now but I've gone past the sleepy stage. I'll need to remember that I will probably be absolutely knackered once I start back at work again. A big difference working from home and travelling and working!

A Change is in the air

I think that yesterday was the beginning of a change of direction perhaps there was a shift of the way I am with people. I fended off the ignorance of my condition and did that nicely. I was a lot more withdrawn and quiet than I normally am I noticed. I did keep myself to myself a lot more than normal. I was very tired by the end of the day. Something is nagging away at the back of my mind about change or the need for it. I can't tell if that means radical or gradual change at the moment.

Sanctuary

Escaped for 5 minutes to my office. Great day but I am very tired. I'll go and get some fresh air before the evening rush!

This is fun

Yes indeed.

Just tried on a pair of trousers and shot the button across the room. Another pair on at the moment straining - hope they last the night! I've been wearing jogging bottom trousers for months now. Oh dear - this does mean serious dieting if I can only squeeze into one pair :-(

Christmas Eve

Earlier in the year I didn't think I'd make this one and if I had of, I may not have made the next, such was the fear and lack of knowledge about my condition early on. I know differently now and I know that things can change too. So today I am doing what I normally do on Christmas Eve. I cook and prepare and then go to a party in the evening which we have been to for the past 16 years!

Today, I had a good night's sleep and feel a lot better than I have done for the past few days. Not too tired. I'll be cooking and glazing the Ham and preparing the Vegetables for tomorrow. If I get the chance then I'll tinker about with some prep for the gravy too. I can have the Christmas CDs playing around the house, whack on the scented candles and have a few slurps of red wine or perhaps a beer whilst I am cooking. All this gets me into the spirit of the event and then we have the party later on which is a great evening with our friends and all the children all grew up together and get on fine which is great.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas

Easily worn out

I must be out of condition, the past few days have seen me really tired at the end of the day. I've been doing a lot more than usual and most of that has been physical work. Diet starts the day after Boxing Day - and more exercise too.

Looking forward to the next few days

I'm going to be with my family and we are going to be doing things together, going to parties, having the wider family around on Christmas Day and for the next 4 or 5 days we will be able to spend time with each other. We do tend to live in the same house but pass like ships in the night sometimes. It will be quite a good way to end of a pretty poor year for me and to look forward to a better year in 2007.

Comments and an Interesting Link

I am grateful to Lynne (see post below) who sent a really interesting link about the way statistics can be interpreted. I have often found the various figures thrown around difficult to interpret and, of course, everyone is different, has different health issues and so on. The article HERE is extremely good at setting out a positive version of what is shown. So once again thanks Lynne for that.

On the subject of comments on the blog site, it is good to receive these be they supportive, informative or both.

A Bit More Anger Management

I was reading some other posts on a forum and some people were very angry especially as they had some pretty radical surgery. I can understand that. I imagine though that their anger will be tempered somewhat later on, once the pain and discomfort and inconvenience (in more ways than one) have subsided. The reason it will subside is that it really is a lot better than being dead. It really is.

I've said that cancers are survivable and that huge steps now make it possible to survive things like this and so I am being bought time and so is everyone else who has treatment whether radical or not. I think when you work that out then you can control the anger from the absolute rage you get very early on to the stupid stuff I was banging on about earlier.

The trouble with much of this is you probably have to come to terms with this on your own unless you happen to be able to talk to someone who has gone through something similar.. I suppose I am lucky that I know two guys who have both had Prostate Cancer recently and their experiences whilst not exactly the same are good to get a bounce off and to share emotions. Both of them are now cured which is great news. As I said before mine doesn't go away that easily but is able to be managed and maintained.

I could occasionally do with a sound deadened room and a box full of crockery to smash :-)