Tetchy and belligerent

I must be getting a little bit nervous and up tight about next week as I am being a bit bloody minded with people at the moment and then realising a little later that I have been terse or grumpy.

I don't mean to do it but I can definitely feel this sharpness with people and my language was a bit more "colourful" that it has been of late.

I must calm down a bit more. I suppose I can blame it on what is to come but I should be able to control my emotions a bit better.

Bit of a shock to

Turn up tonight to a meeting and find my friend had fallen over and broken his arm...

So he wasn't there which was a bit difficult as he was going to drive me home :-)

Luckily another kind soul offered to get me home. Somehow I was missed off of the list when he sent out the news and so I was the only person who didn't know.

I am meant to be having Christmas Lunch with him tomorrow and I have no idea if he will make it as he will only have one arm to eat it with!!!

Oh well, I'd better go suited and booted anyway...

Still doesn't make that much sense

So a night sleeping on it and it still didn't make it any clearer!

It is funny how these things come up in conversation though and how you get a good lecturing from someone and take it in, analyse it and throw away the parts that aren't relevant. Everyone's an expert on my situation apparently.

I got a phone call saying that my friend wasn't going to the Jazz night tonight which is good - it is bitterly cold and a walk back to the station tonight might have sapped my enthusiasm. At least I'll get one night off this week!

The days are getting eaten up fast. i spent today doing corporate Christmas Cards and labelling up envelopes (yippee). 2 1/2 days left to go work wise.

Spoke to my friend who had his Prostate bored out - he did a silly yesterday and has ended up lying down again. That's the trouble - you can't see the scars and you feel fine but just try and do anything like lift something or stretch and your back to square one.

Excess

I notice that my tendency to go from quiet contemplation to excess is a trait I had not expected as an outcome of the treatment. From this I mean being a hermit one minute to being the "life and soul of the party" the next. As an INTJ that is a pretty normal state of affairs in some circumstances and to "self destruct" at work is a common problem I have had to deal with over my whole career. Generally, I self destruct somewhat in advance of the destruction that arrives some time afterwards.

Tonight I was reminded that I should only be "self destructing" at work and not at home. I think I understood what that "warning" actually meant although I am not entirely convinced I know what to do to stop that level of destruction happening. I talked of collateral damage some time ago now and it occurs to me that the conversation I had this evening alerted my friend to mention that there had been a parting of ways, minds and wills and that I ought to do something about it.

I curse being an INTJ for one reason, and for one reason only. That is that I don't see this sort thing coming at all. If there is no logic to things then, like good old Mr. Spock, I don't get it!

Apparently I need to be working harder at keeping the family unit cohesive. As if I haven't got enough on my plate :-)

Reminds me of the time I went to the bar to order some drinks. There were a good ten or more drinks on the bar and the barmaid asked if I wanted a tray. As usual, being me I said "Don't you think I have enough to carry without a tray?"

Sometimes, i don;t get it. After all, I am the one who has been ill and to also find that I should also be the one to be holding it all together at the same time is a bit strange :-)

You do a hell of a lot when you have cancer and some of it is actually telling people who are worried about you how they should behave.

Oh well - I will sleep on this bit of advice and see if it makes any more sense in the morning. Frankly, it makes bugger all sense at the moment.

Doctors - A Funny Breed

The nurse is always great and we now know each other and she is very good to me. I had all my tests ECG, MRSA, did all the liquid tests and had my blood taken. The sample was OK and that was good news. They do a check on your urine then and there but not the other one which goes of for micro analysis. I am told this one is part of the BC screening they are now able to do and it is, I imagine, a trial.

Anyway, I don't like having my blood taken and she was very good and it was all over and done with pretty fast so that was OK.

I have no idea why the Doctor should worry me but they approach you and check you out as if you have the plague. I kind of forget that they have to ask a lot of questions but it is amazing to me that they ask the same questions every time. Surely if they looked back at the last set of answers (only 6 months ago) they would find the answers and just need to ask if anything has changed.

I've been given loads of stuff for the next time I come in - I did say that I sincerely hoped that if they found nothing I wouldn't need to be in again.

Anyway, I have calmed down a bit now. This time next week I'll actually be in and possibly being "done".

That's one hurdle behind me one more next week and then lets see how it goes.

Up and about early

By now I'd normally though be having a coffee, swallowing my pills and generally getting ready to go to work.

As it is I am just about to go downstairs and have a coffee now, plus plenty of fluid so I can pee before I go and when I get there.

I don't look forward to this but at least it is a 9 am appointment and so I won't be hanging around. I can't believe that my arm and back of my hand ache - what is all that about? It really is the most bizarre thing. It is as if the body is getting ready for the needles.

I'm not feeling as anxious as I normally do which is good, I don't feel that bad at all. BP is 126 over 87 which is OK I suppose considering it will tend to be higher on a day like today.

Let's see how things transpire.

Pre-Assessment

Well - the day is fast approaching and the assessment beckons. It isn't that bad I suppose but I have to get wired up, have blood taken, Blood Pressure - always a laugh and different urine samples one when there and one I take in. Sure make a change taking the p*ss out of myself I suppose :-)

This is just a precursor to the main deal a week later. I decided not to go our tonight for a few beers, tempting as that was. Mind you I am out every night this week I just discovered. Out with my friend V and M tomorrow evening, Jazz on Wednesday, Thursday committee but always a beer there and I may see my work colleagues. Also out Wednesday lunchtime and Friday I have been invited to a rather special looking place in Belgravia for Lunch - WOW!

I'll be looking forward to going into hospital for a detox....

Tension building

Here we go the countdown to Tuesday's assessment and then a week to go after that to the appointment and the tension mounts. I'm doing so many things at once that it should be distracting me but it isn't really. The problem still is that I have so much to do and it is being squeezed into a very small amount of time indeed. I've managed to catch up on my Uni work and to have finished my Christmas Newsletters. As so much can be done electronically I intend this year to do more of that and less of physical sending of cards. It is a nightmare and so those who have e-mail addresses will get newsletters that way.

It is late again and I must get off to bed - I don't want a third consecutive Monday off of work!

No one likes

being in Hospital do they? I find it all very stressful and it isn't just on the day it is the leading up to it. It is all coming sharply into focus now and I can feel the fear and the smell of the place and I'm beginning to build myself up for it.

Pre-assessment isn't too bad - at least I know what to expect and I know the ladies in the department. I have my BP under control and I am under control. The Hypnotherapy sessions were really useful in this respect to re-programme my mindset but of course it doesn't take away all of it but helps as I can happily take myself into and out of the Hospital on my own now.

I'm still convincing myself that this is the last time for this particular heavy duty operation. I might well end up having flexible cystoscopies which aren't particularly pleasant but perhaps a little less of an impact than these. I suppose I need to balance this all with the fact that I don't have cancer anymore and I don't have to have the regular insertion of tubes for BCG or any other such thing. It sounds like I'm not satisfied but it is still all rather unnatural isn't it :-)

Not quite as planned

I had a long lie in this morning - in fact everyone did and this afternoon - full of good intentions I went to study my section for OU and promptly fell asleep in my chair! I had better get to it tomorrow and try not to do that again. Of course it is now 00:30 in the morning - I am wide awake and so heaven knows what tomorrow and Monday are going to be like. It always seems to be Mondays that I am whacked out and can't get up.

Strange stuff.

First Result from Uni Course

Wow - I'm pleased with the first results back from my assignment. Unfortunately the marking system has gone AWOL and so I don't know the actual score but the comments are good and there are just a few areas that could have been worked on so I am pleased with that.

I need to spend some time on that this weekend to catch up this weeks subject. A mixture of Madonna and Callas - all about the "Diva" quite interesting in terms of subject matter but also quite challenging - just try and think to yourself how on earth could you compare these diametrically opposed singers and then arrive at the conclusion that they are both Divas?

No wonder my brain spins :-) No bad thing I suppose.

Well I'd better go and do that along with a whole haggage of things I have in my in tray.

Enjoyable Evening

I was out at the Old People's home for our Lodge meeting. I am on the committee of friends and in this Lodge that goes around and visits the many homes around the country.

I was sat next to an older gentleman who was having - somewhat similar problems in the same locality. I was surprised how much I knew about the subject. A couple of the other guys local to me were squirming when the subject of a TURBT came up. He said it not me :-)

Anyway, I had a really good evening and was home by 9 pm which is good. I haven't been to the Lodge for many years but I got an office this year and will certainly be going and travelling around now. I missed a lot because I was ill and I used to travel a lot and never be in the right place at the right time.

I feel a lot better when I have been to a meeting like this as you feel lifted and cheered up by meeting so many really nice people.

A Year to the Day

That I quit that job. It is amazing that even at that time it wasn't bad news. A week or two later it all went pear shaped though :-)

Time just rockets past doesn't it? The only good thing about it was that I was able to distract myself from the troubles I was having and to work flexibly. The more I think about it the more I miss the flexibility I have had at work for the past 15 or more years. I find the 9 - 5 mentality quite strange and they find it strange that I would happily pick up e-mails that arrive in the evening and work on those then rather than let the lie around for a while.

We go back to the conversation I had with some people the other day about just doing the daily grind and not having the job types I used to have which were relatively high stress high adrenaline rush type things. Maybe there is a compromise - I just need to find it I suppose.

I struggle with this a lot. I really don't know if I can stomach this job for another 14 or 15 years. That's the problem, committing to it.

Missed that

It was Thanksgiving yesterday - so belated Happy Thanksgiving Day. When I worked for DEC of course, how could we forget - the place almost closed down.

Off work today and I am deciding what to do with myself... I have a Lodge meeting later this afternoon but whether I want to drive or not is the thing. It is a fair way away and I can do public transport to it - a bit convoluted but it can be done.

And so on to the next batch of things to be done before next week's assessment (can it really almost be that time already) and the week after and that particular meeting with destiny.

As usual loads to do, not a lot of which can be shared and it is my time that needs to be managed. I have - I think - done all my Christmas Shopping (thanks for the Internet Berners Lee) and somewhere in this I have to produce two newsletters and do all my Christmas Cards.

Time is the one thing that is going to give me grief in the next few weeks. I'm sure everything will get done it is just how I manage to do it.

I'm feeling a little anxious / nervous which is always the way leading up to going to get violated in the cause of science and survival. It has to play on your mind and the back of hand is throbbing already where they normally put the cannula in! Psychosomatic or what :-)

Day off tomorrow

Again. Well I have three days - no make that two left to take and somehow I have to make up for them somehow. I'll manage something.

Tomorrow I fancy a sleep in and then if I can to do some work on my course and I have a load of stuff to do for the Lodge meeting....

It really shouldn't be down to me but it will be.

At least I don't need to get up before I go to bed tonight :-)

Pants

It was a boring day really. My friend is now off to have his Prostate sorted out - he is getting a reamed TURBT to sort out a restriction caused by an enlarged Prostate. I lent him the book my friend gave me - "the book of Piss" which is most amusing. I hope he finds it to be so too.

I was bored because I've done a lot of preparation work and got the handover sorted and I'm just waiting now - everything is ready to go but nothing has arrived for me to do anything with.

Tomorrow I plan to spring clean my desk - well there's nothing like starting it early. That is if I stop yawning long enough.

Oh yes - the dreams - blimey the one last night was so real that I was having real difficulty when I woke up working out why I was in my bed and not up the road with some friends listening to a terrible account of how someone had died...

Weird stuff but often get this but more noticeable these past few years...

Good News

On Steve's Blog he mentions that HK in Canada has non malignant tumour so HK will be going onto BCG again and be kept an eye on. Good for HK and let's hope that one resolves itself.

This BCG isn't the nicest thing you've ever had done to you but it sure does seem to be effective.

Early to bed early to rise

Makes a man healthy but red in the eyes!

Tuesday - back to business

Everyone wants to know how you are and when you tell them you feel like poo it sort of wipes the smile off their faces a bit. I find it difficult to say "I'm alright" because clearly I'm not.

I have a hint of trouble to come if I go permanent as there is a back to work interview each time - I don't need to do that as I am a consultant and don't charge them but it is funny as I said to the boss - "if I am off as much as this at least I'll get some quality time with you once or twice a week!"

I did explain that they might like to reconsider a permanent role as this wont go away in the short term.

So other than that it was the usual funny day. Exasperating as ever as I was asked why we were right down to the wire on the deadline and that I should have started things earlier. I explained that I had started things earlier but this had just given more people the opportunity to comment and alter the work I started two weeks ago. In fact I hate Parkinson's Law - as a Project Manager it is my enemy. Parkinson's Law states that if you have three weeks to do a job you will expand the time to take the full three weeks.

Anyway, onwards and upwards at least that is the last deadline out of the way for this year. Except the Christmas Cards - which incidentally I started in July and that only got agreed two weeks ago - see what I mean! They need to arrive, be signed off and posted in the next few weeks. All the Labels are ready on my desk I just need the cards. I don't fancy signing 500 odd but at least I got self sealing envelopes!

Blah - Monday!

What a day - got home after practising for our Banner Dedication in January. All the usual suspects were there, the people who turn out time after time and will actually do a job for you. The others - well underwhelmed by their response. It is annoying that I have little time left when I am fit and healthy to get everyone ready for a once in a life-time ceremony and yet they wont turn up to make it look half reasonable.

It is the trouble with all clubs and committees that some of you end up doing all the work and those on the outside look in and cast stones but don't actually do anything themselves! Such is the way of it.

I do it becuase I care - I'd rather take a back seat as I have been doing this for years but there you go.