Tinnitus and Anniversary

I ended up getting the early train home from work - my ears were just screaming with this high pitched sound and I still have it now. It really is annoying and no matter what I do I just cannot get rid of it today. I tried the loud music blast but that didn't work.

It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.

The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.

My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.

So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.

Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.

It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.

Should you go back

To doing the things you used to do or go and do something new and different? I'm enjoying doing different things these days and get enjoyment from things that perhaps may appear simple and not entertaining or perhaps stimulating. I like a challenge and whilst I don't regret having given up my University course, at the back of my mind is just the twinge of thinking to myself that I could have done so well in it, it really made me think and it really opened my eyes.

Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)

Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.

We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?

Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.

Builders tomorrow

Luckily I am out of the way tomorrow when they come and rip out the old ceiling and put in the new one. It has at least given us a chance to clear out the stuff we don't use and find some stuff that I lost.

I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.

A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:

Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered

It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?

Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.

Good feelings

I think that things must be gradually getting better and my outlook on life is better. Over the past few weeks I am noticing that I'm just happy to do things, enjoying my days out and enjoying meeting friends and celebrating. I'm enjoying work (not commuting).

A few things need to change including my weight and further adjustments and refinements in my diet and exercise regimes.

It is one of those crazy things that I am trying to get time off to go get these tests done and cannot find time to do them. They need them for my medicines and I need them to get my prescription. It is a funny old world but I will get it done this week. I cannot believe it has been a year since I last had it done. It is also a year since I started this job and a year since the Tribunal. A lot has happened in the lost year.

Looking forward to taking a rest

Not sure quite what I am going to do this week. I have 4 days holidays to take before Tuesday and its Sunday today. I think I might consider taking a couple of days off at the end of the week. I must be in tomorrow and sort out stuff for a number of people and then I can get on and sort out my own bits.

I have managed to get myself in advance on most things. The trouble this week is that Ii need to agree my new contract - yes I have been there a year now. I need to try and get days off sorted, I need to get to see the GP and get a right rollicking for being overweight. After that I need to go and get my blood taken so they can make sure they aren't killing me. On top of that, this place is going to look like a tip whilst they replace the ceilings and it is A's 19th Birthday this week. I can hardly believe that she is that old.

I'm really struggling to keep on top of all my paperwork here but today has been useful to get a great swathe of things done. I didn't get around to the accounts but they need my undivided attention and one day needs to be taken to make sure I get that right.

Up early

bit now it is 10:30 and no one else is up - the clocks went forward of course but the funny thing is that apart from me, and I have been up hours watching the Grand Prix, the place is in silence.

I'm back at my desk and wondering whether to creep downstairs and get a coffee or just stay here cracking on with all the paperwork I have to catch up on. I must actually do a number of these things today or I'll miss the deadlines for them. I have also just seen that I am meant to have the accounts finalised and audited by the 16th April. As someone once said - "You've got two hopes on that, No Hope and Bob Hope!"

I can blame my computer crash I reckon...

Enjoy Yourself

I certainly did that today. Not having to worry about a few glasses of wine I took the bus and train and was pleasantly surprised just how easy it all was and how the connections worked. It was a lovely meeting and great food. The Cheese board arrived and I said I really shouldn't but as the wife wasn't watching I'd have a little. No one else wanted any and so I ended up picking away at the cheese and with supreme strong will managed to stop short of clearing the board.

I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed my day out. I had a little sleep (as you do) in my chair when I got home and am now off to bed as we lose an hour tonight of course and also that I want to be up early for the F1 as it looks to be really interesting in terms of who has the upper hand in the manufacturers and drivers championships. Time will tell, I hope they just get on with the racing and leave the politics back at home. Fans want races decided on the track not in a court of law.

I think I may have lost a bit of weight this week as my suit fitted better today than it did last Saturday - it isn't a lot but encouraging that despite the meal on Thursday evening I still appear to be getting the intake of food down and the type of food has changed as well.

I have ramped up my fruit intake and I just need to get back into the right sorts of habits.

I talked to a friend who had the same cold as I did and he has had to have an MRI scan for his tinnitus he suffered. That is a bit of a concern but he and I compared notes and it is almost identical to the problems I had.

I was also invited out to loads of meetings and so I need to spend the rest of tomorrow sorting out those invites and loading dates into the diary for next year. One of them is VERY special indeed as it is the 175th Anniversary of Grand Stewards Lodge which will be marvellous to attend. I am beginning to feel much better about myself and it is great to be getting out more and spending time at these meetings. It cheers me up no end.

The House is in a bit of uproar as the builders are coming to repair the ceiling upstairs where Mrs. F put her foot through it :-) and the Kitchen which I repaired when we first moved in (water damage) and has been temporary for 20 years now :-)

I am grateful to be out of the house whilst most of that happens!

I hadn't intended to fall asleep in the chair

But I was so tired from a full week's work that I grabbed some tea sat down to watch the cycling and promptly fell asleep and missed it all! F1 returns this weekend which pleases me. I am a bit of a petrol head and it will be interesting to see how all the new rules materialise this year.

Certainly practice looks interesting and the cars actually look to be capable of having a race not a procession this year.

I am out tomorrow to Gillingham in Kent and I will take public transport there and back. The nice thing about that is that I can have a few beers and some wine and the train and bus can bring me back home! It is actually marginally faster by public transport anyway.

I hope to get some time sorting out other things this weekend that I have missed. As usual tiredness is taking its toll. I am beginning to lose some weight and I intend to keep that happening this year and if I can lose a lot by the early summer. Crash dieting isn't good but a controlled slow loss and exercise seems to be doing the trick. The biggest problem still remains the number of meetings I am attending and the meals and booze that go with each.

I'm sure that I will be able to settle on a happy medium.

Of strange things

One of our suppliers let us down today - have been working like crazy to get the diary together and they have had months (almost 9 months) notice but their supplier ( a big company) screwed them and so our deadline is gone. We met ours, they met theirs the supplier screwed up. Our customer (yes we have them in charities) is furious and wants us to pull out all the stops but frankly if the world's top supplier says we aren't printing them until we are ready then not a lot is going to happen and I'm not spending more time on something that isn't achievable.

I went off this evening to the Bosses Lodge meeting. It was very nice and I got to do a lot of work even as a visitor. A good meal but silly journey home. Had the weepy, crying stupid girlie on the train who decided to light up a cigarette, which I'm guessing fell into whatever she was drinking o then it sounded like she was sick and then she started crying. I moved carriages but she decided to try and move herself but couldn't find the door button for a while. All the time I was dreading her getting near. Luckily the train made it into the station as she managed to work the door. The smell of cheap perfume, vomit and stale cigarettes really did nothing for her, her makeup had run and she could barely stand. Oh to be young again :-)

I'm still tired as you like. More so as I got woken a number of times and had just a few hours. I intend to try and get some more tonight.

I have run out of time to take holiday. I hope that I can negotiate that in the next week or so.

The end of March is rapidly approaching and I haven't done a load of things I should.. The weekend may be catch up time. At least F1 starts again and the clocks go forward losing us an hour!!!

By leaving work an hour early

I actually get home in really good time. By now my train would have only just pulled into the station and I'd be walking for 10 to 25 minutes and not be home for another 30 minutes. So it looks as if this could be a plan if I can swing it. Damn I was tired though and as the boss was trapped in a meeting and has all my documents with him to comment on I decided I might as well go home than sit there twiddling my thumbs.

I'll have a full on day tomorrow followed by an evening out with half the chaps in the office at their Lodge meeting. All good fun.

As for tiredness and fatigue it just goes with the territory - it is one of those things that I imagine you eventually get over or come to exist with.

I caught my ear

With my nail yesterday and cut it quite badly and the damn thing is driving me nuts - I managed to knock the scab off and start it bleeding again this evening. I feel like a bit of a wreck as my arms and shoulder ache and my ear is still screeching. I could do with some sleep and will take myself off after completing this late night blog. I tend to sit down and spend ages not doing anything and then suddenly realise it is late.

Had a bit of a shock with the ear bleeding though as I was sat on the toilet and used some tissue paper to staunch the flow of blood and dropped that down the pan. When I got up I could see blood in the toilet and I very nearly shocked myself stupid until I realised what it must have been. Since then I have been taking particular notice of when I go to the toilet in case there IS blood there. SHUDDER!!! Nothing on this earth can ever prepare you for how gross that actually is - almost unreal experience and not one I recommend to anyone...

Half way through the week tomorrow. I must plan out my contract and other stuff tomorrow and all my commitments. I could do with time off really but that isn't going to happen this week.

The New Desk

Is a it more challenging than the old one as one of my colleagues is even more "off the wall" than I am.  A nice guy and all but with a most bizarre sense of humour which takes some getting used to.  I know I can make huge lateral leaps in the way my mind works but this guy leaps whole universes :-)

Work is OK, a bit grinding at the moment as I am pushing through things that need to get done and get sorted.  Interestingly enough, when we get past the next 6 weeks or so it all goes quiet for a while.  There is just so much work going on at the moment that it makes your head spin.

Somehow I need to get time off to get my Blood Pressure taken and have a blood test so I can get my next lot of tablets - will be funny if they refuse to give them to me I suppose as the results can only go downhill if I don't have them.  

Can't say I really fancy another blood test but I suppose I should be used to the bloody things by now.  

I am thinking about taking some time off and quite what I want to do for some holiday.  L is away for a month and A goes away at about the same time.  That could give me 4 weeks Holiday but Mrs F cannot get off work early.  She isn't amused with the idea of me jetting off somewhere and then she has to find where I went and catch up with me.  The fun bit - I don't tell her where in the world I'm going to go.

I have a lot of ideas about what I want to do but getting around to any of them is another thing.  I suppose there will be a need to plan it around any operation that I need and remembering the mess they left me in the last time, I suppose I ought to be considering seeing if I come out of it OK before booking.

The Sauna Train

It is that time of year - no matter if you take a light or a warm jacket it will always be either too hot or too cold and you have the wrong jacket. The trains are competing with each other to create the perfect sauna and tonight's train has to be the hottest I have ever sat on. I opened the windows and had my jacket off, sleeves rolled up and it was still unbearable. How on earth people sat there with their coats on I have no idea.


I still have tinnitus which is very off putting as the high pitched screaming was giving me some trouble today at a meeting. Fitness - average, attitude - not bad - work is good, feeling - well a little sick if the truth be known, I had a nice enough meal this evening and went for a beer after our Lodge of Instruction and I feel a little queasy - I even left some of my beer which is unusual to say the least. Not sure if the beer was the reason or the catalyst.

So sat here feeling a little less than my normal humorous and upbeat self, trying not to cough or hiccup in case I actually am sick - it is close :-(

So, fighting back the feeling that I may be having a conversation with the porcelain voice pipe or indeed subjecting myself to a technicolour yawn, I shall continue on here for a while.

It was an interesting chat this evening that a friend pointed out there was a local job, paying as much as I get now, looking after a school's PC infrastructure and getting to work 42 weeks a year. He said hands off as he was having first shot at it - but even so - it did sound interesting. the trouble with any of the jobs is that you'd be expected to work specific hours and I haven't done that until recently since 1991 or before really. Since then I have been able to do pretty much what I wanted as long as - and here is the rub - the work got done, on time and on budget, the customer was happy and we made a profit. Simple really, keep all the balls up in the air and the reward was very much all about time - having the time to go and do what you wanted, when you wanted, as long as you played fair.

So many people don't get it even today. Most offices lie empty more than they are occupied. If you work 40 hours a week, it leaves the offices unoccupied for 16 hours a day Monday to Friday and 48 Hours at the weekend! One day people will get their heads around the problem but still in this day and age, for more than 2/3rds of the time, no one actually works in the offices that are kept heated or conditioned.

I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with bladder cancer and so forgive me for rambling on once again.

The "celebrity" or person of notoriety I mentioned in my blog earlier has died and there is a lot of "press" being made about it. I doubt that anyone outside of the UK has ever heard of her and yet some are playing it up like Diana died again. This lady was no Saint and craved publicity and lived in its glare. Being a person of notoriety doesn't make you anymore than what you were. They say she has increased awareness of Cervical Cancer and young women are coming forward to get screened. That is a good legacy but building up for beatification maybe a bit premature dear members of the press!!

By all means build on the good stuff but remember that reality stars are - well - reality stars.

It's Sunday

And the in-laws are coming for lunch - first I have heard about it! Not that I have any trouble with my in laws they are fine. Obviously I have some sort of communication problem and there's me in a job all about communication too.

I often wonder if it is me but then realise that it isn't! Things just happen here and will continue to do so I suppose. I don't thrive on serendipity, surprise and unplanned events. At least though I'll get a few beers down the neck and some wine with the meal! There needs to be a flip side.

Feeling good about myself and getting a daily boost in confidence and self esteem. Still need to work out how to lose this weight. I couldn't believe I got back last night after a three course meal and got an attack of the munchies and had a cheese sandwich at about 11! OOOopppss. Now that is guaranteed to stick pounds on me. Mind you, now that it is getting warmer I should start to eat less. I can drop a few stone over the Summer. I feel rabbit food (sorry salad) taking over my life again! If I start digging holes in the earth I've had too much.

Sussex

Horsham to be exact. What a lovely little town it is and very old and quaint in the centre. I arrived early as did a friend of mine so we set off on foot to explore. we must have looked a bit strange in the sunshine, dressed like Undertakers in our Morning Suits! We stopped off and had a beer in the centre - a nice pub and if we had stayed a little longer they had some sausages in french bread they were passing out at the bar. The Rugby was in full tilt on the TV and it was just a lovely day.

We then went to the meeting and had a great time. they do things very differently in Sussex and it was just so pleasant to sit down and enjoy the afternoon and the meal in the evening. i had to sing for my supper a bit though as I did the response to the visitor's toast but that was fine and enjoyable as it had been a good meeting and so it actually sounded like I had enjoyed it.

It would have been nice to be there without the car and to have spent a little time seeing the sites and spending some time in the local pubs. I am quite pleased with that and I was home before 10:15 so pretty good timing too.

The house is in darkeness and all quiet so I'd better not disturb anyone.

Quiet as a House

L has gone off for three days to train for her Argentina expedition. I am off out this afternoon and wont get back until this evening. Not sure if A is even in the house. Lovely sunny day and We ware all moving around each other and not saying a lot! Mrs. F. is doing something somewhere in the house, I am at this computer once again.

It is amazing how reliant we are on it these days. I am off to Sussex and so I am checking a satellite photo of the place and seeing where I can park, working out the time it will take me and checking out a joke or two as I have to reply to the Toast to the visitors this evening.

Well it wasn't so bad

Funny thing was Mrs. F's name was gotten wrong to start with and so I made the most of calling her Karen all night and so I got plenty of laughs in. Karen -it turns out - was a strip-o-gram lady acquaintance of a friend of a friend. :-)

We did enjoy ourselves and that is the main thing. not sure if Mrs. F did but the office humour sort of spilled out into the evening and you either rode with that or missed out.

I don't think we have been for an evening out to friend's for 2 or 3 years at least.... I enjoyed it, I hope we get back into the habit of getting friends around again.

Why tell me now you don't feel well?

With less than an hour to go before we are off out to some friends - now I am told Mrs F. doesn't feel well. She knew this morning and somehow expected what? A miracle - for goodness sake, now I have to live with mayrterdom all night - I could have easily made excuses this morning or early afternoon to cancel but no - first time she meets this lot and she is coughing and spluttering all over the place.

Thank goodness I am out on my own tomorrow down in Sussex.

Stages of happiness

I am gradually building myself up to being Mr. Happy again. There is still a way to go yet and as I was reminded in Steve's blog the other day, you never actually get a fully clean bill of health you are always under the threat of recurrence. So be it and move on is the mantra. Getting on with it just isn't that easy at all though.

It is a bit like the bogey man or sandman or whatever you may call him. It may have been a regular visitor or frightened you enough as a kid and eventually that goes away. Occasionally, very occasionally, there'll be some sort of fear that will remind you of that time. The main thing is that the visits get longer and longer in between and eventually disappear altogether. Well imagine Cancer being there every time. What will probably happen is that the fear and worry will slowly over time go away - you just can't rush it and perhaps only those of us with cancer can actually understand the dread fear of it coming back.

I go to the toilet - I look for signs of blood. I almost hesitate - just in case
I get an ache or feel the area around my bladder or lower stomach give a slight pain - that's cancer back I think?
I look at anything I have and wonder - is that cancer?
The area on the back of my hand aches where they normally stick the cannula - it reminds me of the number of operations I've had in the past 32 months and reminds me of the next ones to come
My Doc wants blood tests (again) and I am reminded that I am not as fit as I was before all of this.

I'm rebuilding my life again and it takes time and patience and I'm rescuing relationships and not always succeeding. Lord alone knows what has happened to my brain as I forgot that someone asked me for a lift last night (I can't remember them asking) and I still suffer tiredness and listlessness.

It doesn't sound at all positive does it? And yet it is in every way positive but when people ask why you aren't really celebrating and enjoying things as you would expect to, the niggles and worries really are there. I'm sure they are in every person who ever survived a brush with the Big C. My friends who both had Prostate Cancer and had that removed both young guys - they get clears all the time but even they are worried after all this time. The longer you remain clear the better it is. The fear is that you've had it once and it didn't get you so it is plotting to come and get you when you aren't expecting it. The bogey man is coming after me 40 years after I banished him from my bedroom and my dreams.

I am pleased to say that the Black Dog hasn't been seen for a long time which is great. I'm sure that he and his depression laden, twist your mind stuff is off bothering some other poor soul suffering from their Cancer and keeping them awake at night and taunting them with the dark glimpses of death and malevolent thoughts to disturb their nights and cause them waking dreams of depression and hurt. I'm glad he is gone, he was worse than any of my current worries and thoughts.

Moved desks

It was an interesting move and I now sit outside the boss's office. I think it will take some getting used to as my usual foil remains back at the old desk.

Time will tell though - I ended up with next to nothing to do tonight as I am awaiting a series of photos and comments on things.

Again I am tired and feel sleepy on the train home. I think it is getting a bit better but the heat of the train and the rocking motion certainly help to send me off :-)

I am considering my options and have pulled together a draft memo to outline my concerns at going permanent too soon with the staging and treatment so far of my Bladder Cancer. One recurrence and I could be back at stage one again or on to the next steps. All of which will cost the charity too much in terms of lost production and I for one wouldn't want that to happen to them no matter how much of a safe haven it would be for me. No I'd rather that they think it through and we look to mitigate and I suppose minimise the risks by letting another biopsy set be taken and getting the outcome of that.

I'm feeling happy with myself, tired of course, comfortable with work and less stressed than I have been of late. I have a lot of stuff to do and that is really my next challenge - to get that done in the next few weeks.