A quiet household

It is nice to have some time to myself.  I don't mind it at all.  In fact I prefer it in some ways.  I can spend a lot of time resolving problems and getting myself sorted out for this week.

Tomorrow I hand over to my replacement and I start to ease out of the job.  Iin addition I will also try and find out quite what went on Thursday night and whether I need to worry or not.  All very intriguing and who knows what will happen.

Steve in the US has just come back from a wonderful road trip, you have to envy the space and countryside around where he lives - it is breathtaking scenery.   It makes me more determined than ever to get myself into a situation where I can see a little bit more of the states than Buffalo (from the Canadian side) and spending a few minutes in Seattle en route to Squamish Falls in Canada.  In a 'hands across the ocean' move we are going to publish our weight weekly on our blogs on a Monday.  It seems a good way to get some friendly rivalry on getting our respective weights somewhere back to normal.  It will give both of us a target to aim at and that can only be a good thing.   The dreaded exercise is heaving into view so I had better dust that off and work out what sort of routine I need to follow.  I think I will try and do an hour or so walk a day if I can too.

I'll be freed up from work this week and so we will start on 7th June and may the best man win by losing :-) 

Well this made me laugh

Bladder Alert funny HERE .  I had to do a recent document in Welsh for work and it is really strange to see your words and the Welsh side by side.  I think that this is just one of those quaint things we do in the UK that the world must love us for.  We also have great fun laughing at ourselves.  I hope you enjoy it.

Diet Smiet

Well it seems to be going OK and I'm now actually beginning to like rabbit food - official!!  As a colleague of mine says - he doesn't like any sort of food that takes more calories to chew than what you get out of it.   In a way - that is the point surely?

I'm slowly losing weight although I'm not measuring it.  I want to make sure that I've finished work before that starts so I can get into a new routine.

I feel healthy enough - I just wish I could lose all the weight tomorrow rather than over the next 6 months.....

Saturday

A wet Saturday and I've tidied up my office a bit more but I'm still trying to tackle A's problems on her PC Presentation.  I'm no MAC user so it could be that but her presentation is definitely suffering from lack of pictures.  As I write we have success - it appears that A forgot to actually put them into the presentation itself linking them somehow so they showed on her MAC but not my PC.

Other than that - not a great deal is happening at the moment.  I'm continuing on my veg and fruit mainly diet.  I'm feeling quite good about it and feel well but I haven't bothered to weigh myself or any of that sort of stuff at the moment.  I know that my trousers feel a bit looser and so as long that continues slowly then I will be happy.  If I can lose enough to get into Hospital feeling a little fitter than I am now I will be happy.

Mrs F and A & L are off to Cornwall on Monday returning Friday - that will be nice giving me a few days on my own.  I'm quite happy on my own and can use the time to get myself ready for the new business and the challenges ahead.

Disturbing

I'm still a little disturbed about Thursday night but I'm hoping that it will all be OK on Tuesday.  I am still surprised how my colleagues are reacting to me "going".  They really are a bit upset about it but they'll still see me from time to time.  

I think that I've brought order into the place and they may be worried that it is going.  Luckily for them they can get me back when they want - at rather good rates I think :-)

It is stupidly late again and I really ought to go to bed but my brain is just whizzing around again.   I'm getting quite excited about the new venture and in a few weeks we will be setting out to make things happen.  I've got my new white board and flip chart - I can't think without drawing.  I've got my micro cassettes for recording sessions and ideas and my office is almost becoming clear too.

I must not forget to complete the accounts for my Lodges as they all end on 31st May.  That means I had better get my finger out and resolve all the issues I've had with them these past 2 years.

Strange Evening

I had a surreal evening.  Is this where I say something like I had a surreal evening it happened yesterday lunchtime....

Maybe I should say that it was one of those evenings where something strange happened.  I can't say too much except that I think I was propositioned - which is very nice you may think.  However it was just strange as it came from out of absolutely nowhere and I'm really taken aback and a little confused to say the least.  I have the weekend and the Bank Holiday to think about but I have to go into work on Tuesday and see if anything has changed.

I could be reading a lot into it but as I was doing my usual trick when situations like this arise - I go into brain spin mode and analyse the thing many ways.  So right at this moment I've no idea if it was what I thought it was or one of the other 20 answers my head has devised.  In all likelihood it will be too much "wine talking" and be a nothing event.  I hope so, it could be damn embarrassing otherwise...

On my fruit and veg only kick today which should be fun.  I'm certainly feeling a bit better these days having kept away from my usual fare and I hardly had any bread this week.  Now to face up to the exercise regime :-)  As my esteemed co-blogger Steve in the US says "Exercise Sucks!" How true...

Stamina

It is a constant this tiredness and sudden weariness.  It is nowhere as near as bad as it was a year and two years ago but I still get times, like today, when after a days work I'm beginning to feel very tired.  

I am hoping that some exercising (I know no one likes it) will start to bring me around and my diet is beginning to pay off - I can feel clothes fitting a little more loosely than they did two weeks ago so that is good.  I don't do all this weighing and measuring every few days as it doesn't really achieve anything.

Work tomorrow and Thursday and then I'm off until Tuesday when my replacement starts.  A couple of days work with him and I will be able to edge out and into this new venture.  Even doing today's meeting and going through some of the detail of what we will be getting up to once we kick off the business was a charge but obviously not enough to keep me awake in the early evening. :-)

Can I help you?

I was out with Flocky tonight for a beer and a curry - I enjoy his company and he is one of very few people that know me on the blog and personally. Perhaps only GH knows me as well as Flocky does but I meet Flocky a lot more and we have some really interesting, deep and personal conversations.

Tonight we chewed over the fact that we have a mutual friend who just wont let us in. We only get to see part of him, the part he wants us to see. His wife and children are not known by their real names and work, social and personal are separate things that never mingle. Because we aren't that near we can't actually be friends in terms of advice for fear of breaking the friendship rules or stepping over the mark and be seen as being critical when we actually mean to be helpful. I was out with him on Friday and just couldn't get beyond the persona that he projected.

On an entirely different note I still find it incredible that people think of me as some sort of role model in the cancer fight. I still maintain I'm not special excepting that I really think I have a privileged insight to the workings of the human mind when confronted with such a dangerous disease. Also, of course, the opposite being true that I cannot understand all the dross that goes on in the world, all the angst and petty nonsense that the TV shows us of the plastic lives of the minor lower class of notorietied class. Who are these so called "celebrities" and why is everyone so fixated on these low achievers who think they have some great message to tell us all. Every time one of them opens their mouths they spout some sort of insipid drivel and hollow observation of why they aren't getting the breaks that some other botoxed out bimbo is.

Is our world so f****** stupid as to encourage and allow these shallow impressions of humanity to enter our lives and even to try and influence our thoughts and actions? judging from the dregs of humanity that were in the pub today with their loud phones, cackling, squawking witch like laughs, their total lack of anything interesting to say except 'init' which seemed to be the most used phase of the day and their lack of dress sense which showed their tattoos off in such a bad light I begin to fear for society.

Mind you - it might just be me - perhaps I am now turning into my parents!!! Or have turned into the person they warned me about when I was little!

A Scorcher and I'm Indoors

Doh!

I was about to work on my stuff but needed to bring forward some work for the charity and deliver it a few days early so I ended up doing that rather than my own work. Oh well, no problems at least I can invoice them without feeling bad.

It is boiling hot outside and so we got the fans down and have those pushing hot air around my office. Air Con would be nice - maybe if I find it too hot I'll do that.

So back to health and all that stuff. I am quite pleased that I am sticking to my diet although I am still a bit shy of getting on my exercise cross trainer. I need to face up to that sooner rather than later. Well I'll soon have no excuse as I will be home and so should fit that or some heavy waking into my routine. Maybe I'll do a two or three mile walk every day in the lovely countryside around here. That way I'd get some fresh air to start my day and I could also go down via the shops and pick up fresh stuff each day! There's an idea.

Flocky is popping over on his way home from work and we are going to do some paperwork then go for a diet busting beer and a curry - oh well all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Black Humour

I'm a bit "bad" at this sort of humour.  I've had a great day today and really burnt up loads of documents and ripped through lots of reading material.  Sat outside most of the day and then I was talking with Mrs. F. about life the universe and all that good stuff.  Well actually about the new venture.  Now she isn't convinced but realised that if I didn't go and do this then I'd probably implode or explode such is the nature of the person I am.  It isn't my fault (honest).

So I explain that the issues are really about getting major finance and that the odds are 98 to 2 against.  In other words I stand a 2 in 100 chance of getting the finance I need to make things happen and if I don't get them - well - I just have to go and do something else.  At the moment, failure is not an option.  A bit like my University course a while back.  None of us could have predicted how ill I was going to be and that I'd lose so much time that I could not carry on.

So back to the black humour.  I said that I reckoned that we would either be really enjoying life this time in two years time - either that or I'd be hanging on being really ill about to die.  Now - Mrs. F. and I found that funny as she reckons I'd do that just to spite her.  Absolutely right!  

A lovely day

A blazing sunny day, really warm up in the top 20 degrees C that is.  I'm under the Parasol working away on my PC and notes for the new venture.  It feels like cheating - surely I should be doing this indoors and sweating over my desk?  Of course not it is almost decadent.  Additionally a nice bottle of Cava is chilling in the Fridge.

A week of eating salads and being good on my diet and I can actually feel different as I'm almost vegetarian at the moment with all the salad stuff I am having.  Breakfast was tomatoes, Mushrooms and Bean sprouts :-) quite yummy actually and less than a 100 calories I reckon.

I actually feel slightly thinner and feel a little better in myself which is great.  I am begining to get excited about getting on with the new venture and I have my last day at the Office on the 3rd June as a full-time consultant and I now go on 4 days a month based at home and the office as required.  Interestingly I have to go back in on the 10th June to run a workshop which I will be involved with for much of the summer.  I need to work on the messages to suppliers, Provinces and staff.  It is a strange situation and basically I need to get over that I'm not leaving but I'm also not doing what I used to as my replacement will need to pick that up and run with it.  I'm sure he will pick it up easily as he is a quick witted and intelligent guy.

Oh well back to this lovely summers day and brain dumping all my business ideas onto paper and onto the PC.  It's a hard job but someone has to do it.

Just how serious is it?

Tonight they read out a bit about me and how things were "a little disappointing and a set back".

Isn't it funny that many were just "amazed" at my temperament and good humour and that I was always smiling and laughing and joking.   Which got me thinking about whether or not I was actually treating this seriously?  Most people were treating me with reverential awe tonight and suddenly I got to be thinking - "Am I treating this seriously enough?"

You see I don't think that this is a death sentence or that it I;m being heroic or any other thing really.  I'm getting on with my life and accepting that it wont be the same again (I'm not really accepting it easily but I have to pragmatically realise that it is).

I'm being a little shining beacon and I suppose when you look at the other members of the Lodge who had Cancer and died quickly then I'm the exception.  I want to scream out to everyone that this is more likely the case these days.  Am I smiling and cheerful because I don't understand how serious this is?  Well what do you think?

I'm doing this because it is more likely today if you catch these things early that you will survive.  You know - I may end up having some significant surgery but because they found this early I have the option.   Many people, afraid to ask their doctor paid a higher price than the loss of an organ or some other radical work.

I think that I will always portray the outward message that Cancer is a huge threat but you can overcome much of it.  I like to think that a wimp like me can give someone who is really having a hard time with cancer the right sort of hope.   It is almost 4 years since I was diagnosed and I'm still here.  I intend to be here in 5, 10 and 15 years too.  I'm not counting too much after that as I do admit that I abused my body in my youth.  I still advise anyone I meet to ask of themselves whether a job is really worth burning yourself out for and in the long term harming your health.  But then again, when I was 19 I knew better than everyone else.  I think it is a pretty harsh lesson to come to terms with later in life when you suddenly realise you are mortal.

I feel humbled that people believe that I am somehow special or brave.  I can show you far braver people than me.  I can show you courage - just see our service men and women abroad and the high costs they pay for our freedom.  No, I'm not brave but I do believe in standing up and being an example that I will not kowtow to this pernicious disease and that I will not give up the fight to be well again and to live as long as I can.

I saw some petty stupid squabbling tonight - nothing that made any sense at all, people getting mad over nothing.  Guys - get real, no one died, life's too short, all this stress and agony over nothing.  What on earth is wrong with human kind if trivia is worth getting upset about.  Obviously one person didn't learn from the words that were said about me.  Life is important, charity, truth and balance.  Time for each other and a healthy respect for all our cultures and beliefs but don't get all humpty over what you thought you heard or some other such infantile nonsense.  Grow up!  

I should get my magic wand out - I want to change the world but no one seems to want to change with me.  Ignorance is bliss after all.

Gets off soap box and goes to bed :-)

Work today

Was strange.  I am pulling away from work but had shed loads to do.  I managed most of it but as usual there are always those last minute things to do.  I had to tell the boss that I hadn't done something he wanted but his instructions were quite woolly and so he can talk to the designers himself.  the big job got signed off and hopefully we will see some samples as the new guy starts.

I've agreed my exit strategy with the boss too.  Amazingly I managed to somehow screw up my diary for the next few weeks.  I will set too tomorrow and sort this out.  In reality it means that in 2 weeks time I can exit pretty much and hand over most of what I am doing excluding some strategy stuff.  That will allow me to do some work with the new guy and to start to set out my strategy workshops and positioning documents.

Work continues on the new opportunity and we are setting up a set of away days to do our boot camp and thrash out many of the issues on the company and what we plan to do.  If you happen to have a few million spare - let me know :-)  It is all getting pace and momentum behind it and the excitement is building.

Making a start

At last I made some big inroads into getting myself organised and sorted out.  I even managed to write a couple of positioning papers for the business. Funnily enough the urgent job of yesterday fell onto a designer who wasn't at work today so that was funny.  Everyone panicking about whether things would get done when in fact no one was there to do them and as predicted, I kind of hinted they shouldn't leave it to the last minute.

In to the office tomorrow for a thrash at the outstanding work I have to do.  I hope that I will get the opportunity to complete most of it and just get on there after.  I am not around there on Friday but may need to do a few days more next week.  I must clear my office and desk etc ready for the new guy too.

Which part of

I am not going to be around today did they not get?

Typical - I explain that I am away all day and that I'm only coming in one day this week.  So they send me an email with urgent actions on it.  I've just seen it and can't do much with it until tomorrow.  I can't believe it - after having it for weeks they now want to make wholesale changes.  I'm happy for them to do that but I can't do it for them - I've been working all day long on my new venture and I'm charged now.  I'm only looking to be in for the odd day here and there.   I think I will have to make sure that they realise that.

We've had a brilliant day today and this evening I must have done 6 or 7 hours non stop on business planning.  I hope I can get to sleep tonight my brain is going wizzzzz right now :-)

I'm gradually changing my diet - I actually like soups and salads and the like so the rabbit food seems to be alright.  It is now time to tackle exercise and how I will incorporate that into my life in the future.  I walked perhaps 3 miles a day normally so maybe I will have an early morning walk every day and if it is raining use my cross trainer.  I need to get out of what I am trying to do at the moment though as it is just crazy trying to do two things at once.

The Simple Life

It would be good to have that early years view of life.  everything was simple and nothing was like it is when you are older.  All the many things happening at once and all the baggage you collect along the way. 

My life has always been complicated but at the moment so much is happening that I find it difficult to disentangle myself from my present job to get on with my new one.  I force myself not to go to work and that is fine.  It makes it difficult to withdraw from the job when they (and I) suddenly realise how much I am woven into the organisation.  I had not realised that I was relied on quite so deeply.  

Tomorrow I have a further meeting with my business partner and gradually it dawns on me that we have come along way with this project since it was kicked into life in 2007.  Back then I was only reviewing the documents as a peer but later I produced much of the operational and financial documentation and some of the business plan.  Now we see that documented we can begin to move forward with a bit more confidence.

Not long now - 2nd and 3rd week in June we should get a march on and get the business rolling.  Goodness knows we have done enough work already and then I hope I can be free of the charity work for a while to let me run up to July and my operation and whatever that holds for me.

Holidays - no one has made up their minds and this volcanic ash cloud keeps the threat of dealyas and cancellations.  A has a holiday booked in June so I hope it doesn't affect her plans.  I wait to see whether we will have a holiday or not this year.  As luck would have it my replacement arrives in the week that Mrs. F. and the girls are going away - I should have been with them - but have to hand over my job to my successor and that I have a series of meetings planned.  Typical!!  Mind you I did ask them months ago to give me the dates and they only gave them to me last week so that may be the problem.  A week on my own won't be too sad though - I quite like spending a bit of time on my own.

Melancholy

That is what it is Melancholy.  I feel very much that at the moment.  I say that as someone reported on my health to our Lodge yesterday and it suddenly made me sit up and listen to how other people receive, perceive, interpret and pass on that information.  It was pretty accurate in terms of what was going on and it was interesting to hear the words "set back" and "not as serious as first thought" and so on but at the end of the day, it did set me back and inevitably I am now getting the blues about it.

Everything is changing and I found out that I'm not the happy chappy I like to think I am just before I go into Hospital.  I thought I kept myself to myself but obviously I become a bit of a snappy chappy not a happy chappy....  I'd better watch out for that in the future I suppose.

Inevitably though - I'm reminded that I've got this thing that may or may not bring back cancer to my bladder and that is very disturbing indeed.  July will sort that out I suppose and I'll just have to get on with whatever comes about from that.  

So for the moment with leaving work behind and all that jazz and then starting my new business everything is a bit up and down.  

Better this morning

Thank goodness.  Blimey I got to near my 50s and my body has decided to fall apart on me :-)

Crazy stuff, a cut just on the entry to my ear is what it is.  I have no idea how I did it perhaps a fingernail but whatever it isn't inner ear but obviously was enough trauma to affect my balance.

Anyway - Lodge meeting today - then almost the Summer off.  Another meeting coming up later in the week followed by my last big meeting as Secretary in 4 weeks time.  Today I get to see one of my candidates complete his journey and I do a bit of work and provide the other one with his certificate. 

The stupid bank that I am a signatory for thinks I am a new customer - even though I've banked with them for in excess of 10 years their records don't show me.  What?????  Bunch of useless pratts no wonder the world went into melt down if they've been honouring the cheques I have been signing for 10 years but don't recognise me in their records.  You couldn't make it up.  So I've sent one of "my letters" which points out how many accounts I have with them, how many times I've been in to branch and that they might like to open the file up to see who I might be.  Ridiculous waste of time and effort.  Is it me or the word full of people who take no responsibility and have no common sense whatsoever.  They should be slapped hard until they come to their senses god for nothing jobs-worths.  

I'm still not happy about my letter from the Hospital - it paints dark clouds for me.  Maybe it is just the way that it is there in black and white so you can't get away from what is says?  I need to get my head around it pretty damn quickly though and move on.

Dizzy, I'm so Dizzy

My head is spindling, etc etc etc.  Enough of the 60s songs.

Well, what a strange day - I feel quite light headed and ever so slightly off balance (my friends know I'm out of balance most of the time anyway).  No more ear bleeding thank goodness.  I'd quite forgotten how it feels when your ears start playing up.  It's like having a mild form of seasickness all the time.

Off to bed to see if I can get a good night's rest.

Oh no what's happening now?

Was at a meeting in London - all the great and good were there - I am an honoured guest and suddenly, I put my gloved hand to my ear and as I pull it away it is bright red with blood from my ear!!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHH !!!! What is that I wonder.  So smack in the middle of the meeting I have to make tracks and take myself to the first aid man to get some bandages etc.  I've got an ear bleed like you'd have a nose bleed.  It is flowing out nicely for about an hour and then as fast as it started it stops?  What a nightmare.  I look a right idiot having to get up in the meeting.  Those local to me see my red blood stained gloves and recognise that something is awry.  Word spreads but goodness me what on earth just happened?  I've had ear problems all my life but never had an ear bleed.  Yuk...

My mate who has been giving me grief for weeks if not months has a job to go to next week.  It is hard work but I know he will do well at it.  Does this mean that Flcoky and I will get an easier time?  I hope so.

I have my detailed letter from the Hospital and it doesn't make god reading to me but it states I have a small recurrence which is a G2pTa.  Where before I had a G3pTa bladder TCC and CIS.  The worry is "If he continues to get recurrences he may require some more invasive treatment in the future".  Oh bollocks.... We did discuss this.  

Here I am back to the months after I started the first time.  Today's episode just shows what bad shape I am in.  I'm mortified for the moment and need to come to terms with it once again.  When it is in writing it just looks so much worse than what I thought it was and what it probably is!

Bad news is - at this moment - I'm really quite down about it and that is just because I've had a good evening and  arrived to find this here.