I think I did pretty well today not having a beer, sticking to my Red Wine but the meal itself was pre-loaded on the plate and so I succumbed to a few roast potatoes and as I was having cheese anyway I just took the hit. I have a meal tomorrow and a party on Saturday and so I've decided to try to keep as much as possible to the diet tomorrow until the evening and just go for a cheat Friday to Saturday night. Sunday I will start again on the diet although I still have challenges now for Wednesday and Thursday of next week I should be able to "manage" those better than this week.
My dad's getting a little worse each day at the moment and to add to his woes his eyes are getting bad and so he probably needs to get an electric razor as he finds concentrating wet shaving difficult. I do feel for him because his mind is fine, it is just his body letting go that is hard to take and he gets very down because he cannot undertake even simple tasks without needing help. He had a little collapse - more like a slumping to the ground - and he had to be helped up by mum. It's not fair is it?
Had a talk about Dementia today at our meeting very interesting stuff and interesting views on what the future holds. Sometimes I wonder if it were better that the mind be turned off before having to contemplate your own mortality and your inevitable destiny. I know that I had to do that early on but learnt quite soon that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to survive given my age and whilst it was very serious, things could be done. In my dad's case, there's not a lot more they can do and I still don't think he acknowledges that it might be useful to get some professionals involved so that they can prepare the way for him to come to terms with it.
As you know dear reader, I'm not that close to him to have the conversation myself, indeed I don't recall any conversation regarding feelings or emotions ever having entered out circle of interaction. That may appear sad to you but that's the way it has always been and I know no different so in a way what's happening now could only happen this way. I do talk to close friends far more about these things and to fellow sufferers perhaps even more so as it helps to explore some of the stuff that happens and to recount how we felt, how we reacted, how we get over things etc.
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Day 4 of 6
Today, off to London again and another formal meal. I've had a high protein breakfast and I'm contemplating going out in the rain to the station and up to London. I've got almost an identical meal to last night except I've Smoked Salmon to Start but the main course and Cheese were choices from some time ago.
I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.
At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter! What a week.
I don't aim to be there for too long before the meal itself and will come home straight afterwards.
At least I'm not out until Friday night thereafter! What a week.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Diet shot to pieces
Intentionally I realise that I cannot stick exactly to what I want to do as there is always some sort of compromise. Today was one of them and I specifically worked on that basis. I did have a high protein slow carb brunch but didn't eat until tonight and that at around 8:15 - the soup was lovely but must have contained some cream or milk and the roast beef was great as were the vegetables but a Yorkshire Pudding and Potatoes were there too and I had pre-ordered Cheese and Biscuits months ago.
I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout. I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday. In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest. Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.
I have however stuck to red wine as my main drink throughout. I will probably go for beer on Friday night and extend my cheat day through to Saturday. In fact more like cheat week if I'm honest. Next week I have two more events to go to but hopefully that is where it stops.
Exhausted
Was pretty exhausted this morning after getting in late and then just not feeling like I wanted to get up at all. Finally pulled myself out of bed for Lunch (brunch) and had a high protein one but will wait until I eat again tonight at around 8 pm.
It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while. The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too. Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due. Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works. Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here. What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)
I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much. The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else. As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such.
It was an interesting day yesterday and I was on my feet for quite a while. The day went very well and I just gave up any idea of avoiding carbs although it was only very small and the sweet course was apple tart and I had that too. Mind you having spent a lot on the dinner thought I'd better eat my due. Was only drinking red wine but ended up catching the second to last train home that ran late and on a loop line through engineering works. Got home about 1:30 in the morning but hey ho - it wasn't raining and we had a good evening with some Canadian ladies who were on holiday here. What we forgot was that late license in London so it was around midnight we grabbed a taxi back to the station :-)
I was sat here a moment ago and took my Blood Pressure and was pleased to see that was low and I'm hoping that the odd of piste parts of my diet this week don't overly affect me too much. The problem is that I have wall to wall meals from now until Saturday night and can only influence a few breakfasts myself - everything else is provided by someone else. As long as I'm not stupid and go way off beam and make sure that things are done in moderation - I'm sure it will be OK although I may not lose any weight as such.
Monday, April 30, 2012
I forgot to add
That is is also our Anniversary on Wednesday and I'm out. I tend to have this problem every year as these meetings are all planned for the first week in May and sometimes it just falls like that.
At least I have bought a card which is already here!
I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago. As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one. So another £15 spent.
Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward. It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week. We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do. It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)
I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward. By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-) The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me. I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!). Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now! :-)
But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease. My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game. I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life. Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint. Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.
Or do I?
Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be. It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents. Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences? Many people do. Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.
It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.
At least I have bought a card which is already here!
I've had to buy a new tie for tomorrow, my other one was captured as a trophy by some Scottish Masons during an "interesting" meeting some time ago. As I'm "on parade" and working tomorrow I had better have one. So another £15 spent.
Had some interesting conversation today about "the future" and what I want to do going forward. It is interesting that people are still full of advice but a bit short on delivering the goods and that will be interesting when I meet them next week. We will have a long and interesting discussion and maybe, just maybe I'll start to get some clarity on what I want to do. It always seems to me that lots of people have good advice and ideas but I will be interested to see if I can do the Jerry Maguire - "Show me the money!" :-)
I am beginning to form some key thoughts now around what I need to do in terms or what the outcomes probably need to be but there are some key questions which need answering and they aren't straight forward. By that I mean that there may be some tough questions and there may be some divergence of ideologies :-) The Bladder Cancer did some major shifting in my outlook and the last 6 years have all brought ideas and concepts, theories and practice, experimentation and results together to produce a different me. I like that the lack of interest in what we are doing isn't a disappointment that requires a lot of mourning or navel gazing - the work we did, the attitude we have - the pragmatic approach means that it is what it is and it couldn't turn out much different given the time, circumstances and place (I sound a bit like Morpheus from the Matrix writing that!). Damn I wish I'd taken the Blue Pill now! :-)
But really what it comes down to is that I now have "an attitude" that reflects what I've learnt and what I've experienced, what I've read and how I've reacted to the disease. My head is saying two things to me and the battle is between lifestyle and going back to how I was pre cancer - maybe a few years before then when I was at the peak of my powers and top of my game. I'm probably strong enough physically and mentally to go back to that high powered, rather well paid but very demanding life. Yet the other side of me is rebelling against it all, lifestyle, life, learning, low stress, doing what I want to do and enjoying that are the counterpoint. Life just got interesting in another way and suddenly I have a relatively clean sheet of paper to work out what I want to do.
Or do I?
Lifestyle may actually mean giving up everything that went before and changing how things are and how they will be. It may mean changing location and family and friends too will be impacted to greater and lesser extents. Should you just go and do it for yourself and sod the consequences? Many people do. Do you stretch and strain friendships or do you rely on the strength of them to support the change.
It is going to be an interesting journey whatever happens.
A Week Full on
Often the beginning of May starts with a Bank Holiday (which we get next week). So this week instead of 4 straight days of Masonic things going on I have 5. That's right every day this week something is going on. I'm out Monday night, all day Tuesday including evening, Wednesday afternoon and evening, all day Thursday and evening Friday too!
Amazing! But there you go - Mrs. F. is OK with that apparently! We are also out Saturday night so I fully expect the diet to take a few wobbles along the way but I'm able to dance around the food stuff and can ask for more vegetables etc and refuse potatoes and so on. I'm guessing there will be a few forbidden foods that may get past my guard but as long as I don't go mad I should be OK and it is difficult as there are 4 meals that are out of my control as to what is available.
Have to say that I'm pretty impressed with the diet so far. Clothes wrap around me now and it is amusing to put on a shirt and have enough spare material to wrap over by a good 3 or 4 inches. I'm quite pleased with the result and seeing the weight gone it encourages further participation in the diet and as Mrs. F. comments it is also cheap to feed me too. We cook up the legumes and freeze sufficient for a day allowing me to pull a bag out a day and use them. At 90p a bag we can get a full 7 days supply out of each which is pretty good economically if you think about it? Eggs, Chicken and Spinach and Salad are also pretty inexpensive too so it all seems to work quite well on many fronts, economically, well-being and also health wise too. My BP readings are nice and low and generally within the limits I set. It would be nice to get them a few points lower but with more weight loss and a little more exercise, that should happen.
So let's hope that I can keep with the programme and stick as near as possible this week to the diet - I know that will be difficult but I really don't want to end up back where I started which will be all the encouragement I need.
Amazing! But there you go - Mrs. F. is OK with that apparently! We are also out Saturday night so I fully expect the diet to take a few wobbles along the way but I'm able to dance around the food stuff and can ask for more vegetables etc and refuse potatoes and so on. I'm guessing there will be a few forbidden foods that may get past my guard but as long as I don't go mad I should be OK and it is difficult as there are 4 meals that are out of my control as to what is available.
Have to say that I'm pretty impressed with the diet so far. Clothes wrap around me now and it is amusing to put on a shirt and have enough spare material to wrap over by a good 3 or 4 inches. I'm quite pleased with the result and seeing the weight gone it encourages further participation in the diet and as Mrs. F. comments it is also cheap to feed me too. We cook up the legumes and freeze sufficient for a day allowing me to pull a bag out a day and use them. At 90p a bag we can get a full 7 days supply out of each which is pretty good economically if you think about it? Eggs, Chicken and Spinach and Salad are also pretty inexpensive too so it all seems to work quite well on many fronts, economically, well-being and also health wise too. My BP readings are nice and low and generally within the limits I set. It would be nice to get them a few points lower but with more weight loss and a little more exercise, that should happen.
So let's hope that I can keep with the programme and stick as near as possible this week to the diet - I know that will be difficult but I really don't want to end up back where I started which will be all the encouragement I need.
Yuk - Day After Cheat Day
Bad back yet again - what's wrong with me? If it continues I may need to go and get this checked out - it is crazy the amount of back aches I get especially where they are really low down on my spine. Let's hope it isn't anything serious. Mind you the are increasing in frequency and this morning it was a real struggle getting up - in fact I just went back to sleep and tried got up late.
Then there was the next problem - by the time I'd gotten out of bed and had my morning medicine it was around 11a.m. and whilst I'm meant to eat within an hour of getting up it was a close run thing. I just about managed some brunch around 11:45 and some cold water but it was all I could muster to actually eat it. Sounds strange but I have so much and cheat day does tend to mean gorging out on all sorts of things you normally wouldn't have, even wanting to face food the next morning is difficult.
I just didn't feel hungry at all and I really had to force myself to eat. This evening wasn't so bad but by then I was ready for a meal. I'm still impressed at the weight loss so far and this week will be a tester and I know that I'm not going to dodge all the bullets coming my way - I will just have to take the best route through that I can.
Then there was the next problem - by the time I'd gotten out of bed and had my morning medicine it was around 11a.m. and whilst I'm meant to eat within an hour of getting up it was a close run thing. I just about managed some brunch around 11:45 and some cold water but it was all I could muster to actually eat it. Sounds strange but I have so much and cheat day does tend to mean gorging out on all sorts of things you normally wouldn't have, even wanting to face food the next morning is difficult.
I just didn't feel hungry at all and I really had to force myself to eat. This evening wasn't so bad but by then I was ready for a meal. I'm still impressed at the weight loss so far and this week will be a tester and I know that I'm not going to dodge all the bullets coming my way - I will just have to take the best route through that I can.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
One for Flocky
Mrs. F. & A went out earlier and I was left deciding what to do for the remainder of the day when Chris and Flocky called and suggested a beer at my local after they'd finished playing Golf. As it is cheat day and BEER is ALLOWED :-) I jumped at the chance and had a great late lunchtime beer with the boys. Was listening to this when I got home and thought - you know Flocky might like this? :-)
Nice guys - I really enjoyed getting out of the house saved me having to sit through DVDs all afternoon!
Decadence
Being totally decadent today :-) Have had a proper slow carb breakfast and some ice cold water. But now - coffee, with sweetener and milk plus a bag of Liquorice Allsorts! That's for starters as Mrs. F. has gone to the Supermarket I have requested a doughnut (donut) and I'll be having some other forbidden foods today. Not as many as last week but enough to shake down my system and make it wonder what on earth is going on.
Mrs. F. & A are out to a camp thing this afternoon - given the rain we've had I imagine it will be a mud bath for them. I, on the other hand, will be happily indoors and will indulge in food madness for the rest of the day.
Next week is hectic - out every day next week and so I just need to be careful and maintain as far as possible my diet.
Mrs. F. & A are out to a camp thing this afternoon - given the rain we've had I imagine it will be a mud bath for them. I, on the other hand, will be happily indoors and will indulge in food madness for the rest of the day.
Next week is hectic - out every day next week and so I just need to be careful and maintain as far as possible my diet.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Below 16
Stone that is - at last back into the right side of 16 stone, 15 stone 12 which is pretty much as it was a week ago but it has been this all week or thereabouts and so that is good. It could be a less but the main thing is that in the 8 weeks or so since I seriously started to do take things seriously (after my previous blood pressure readings) I've lost around 2 stone which for me is pretty good.
I now need to bring some exercising disciplines back into the mix, I'm not doing any planned just when I remember or have time.
I'm looking forward to cheat day tomorrow especially as I had a glut of chicken (not my favourite food) to consume - I finished that off last night and so can get onto something more interesting today.
All in all I'm actually feeling well overall. Have twisted my back once again but that seems to be OK now. That's twisting around repairing this computer and working on the other one at the same time (when will I ever learn?).
My business partner turned up yesterday and we had a chat about where we are and what comes next - it surprises me how calm and calculated we both are about it. After all it is 2 years of our working lives that we've "given to the cause". We still have a few cards to play out and perhaps something will happen from there but we are inclined to consider that wont happen.
At the moment though I'm pleased that I'm still losing weight and feeling good. I hope that I can lose a fair bit more and get down to a reasonable weight and then sustain it. That will be the defining point, I reckon if you just continue the rules outlined you should be able to continue to lose weight to the point where it becomes routine and weight balances out. I'm not there yet by any means - let's hope that I can be somewhere near there by the middle of the summer. If I could lose another 2 or 3 stone I'd be impressed but think that anywhere near 14 stone would be good for me.
I now need to bring some exercising disciplines back into the mix, I'm not doing any planned just when I remember or have time.
I'm looking forward to cheat day tomorrow especially as I had a glut of chicken (not my favourite food) to consume - I finished that off last night and so can get onto something more interesting today.
All in all I'm actually feeling well overall. Have twisted my back once again but that seems to be OK now. That's twisting around repairing this computer and working on the other one at the same time (when will I ever learn?).
My business partner turned up yesterday and we had a chat about where we are and what comes next - it surprises me how calm and calculated we both are about it. After all it is 2 years of our working lives that we've "given to the cause". We still have a few cards to play out and perhaps something will happen from there but we are inclined to consider that wont happen.
At the moment though I'm pleased that I'm still losing weight and feeling good. I hope that I can lose a fair bit more and get down to a reasonable weight and then sustain it. That will be the defining point, I reckon if you just continue the rules outlined you should be able to continue to lose weight to the point where it becomes routine and weight balances out. I'm not there yet by any means - let's hope that I can be somewhere near there by the middle of the summer. If I could lose another 2 or 3 stone I'd be impressed but think that anywhere near 14 stone would be good for me.
Tale of the monitor
Regular readers will know that I suffer acutely from "White Coat Syndrome" which sticks my blood pressure up a lot. Today felt no different and I could feel my pulse racing but today I did a few things differently. I had no coffee at all even when my business partner arrived unexpectedly and we went to Costa for a drink I had water. The first blood pressure test was high but not overly so around 140 over 95 but the next two at 125 over 90 and 124 over 90 were by my standards remarkable. I'm normally good for a lot higher than that.
We did chat a fair bit before doing the readings and I did my deep breathing exercise which also worked quite well as I could feel my pulse coming back into range. Earlier in the day I checked my readings and got some as low as 107 over 80 which is excellent.
The diet and losing 2 stone must have helped and the benefits are clear to see. I didn't remember to have my Flax Seed and Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese earlier which annoyed me as that also helps I find. Anyway, the good news is that I feel very well on this diet and whilst I occasionally get pangs of hunger I know that it is because I'm not eating quite enough at meal times. I still only have three meals a day and the recommendation is four. I shall try and work out how I can possibly do that.
Apparently my blood tests aren't due until June so a bit of a reprieve there then. Whether or not I'll be able to string them out back to December will have to wait and see.
We did chat a fair bit before doing the readings and I did my deep breathing exercise which also worked quite well as I could feel my pulse coming back into range. Earlier in the day I checked my readings and got some as low as 107 over 80 which is excellent.
The diet and losing 2 stone must have helped and the benefits are clear to see. I didn't remember to have my Flax Seed and Flax Oil and Cottage Cheese earlier which annoyed me as that also helps I find. Anyway, the good news is that I feel very well on this diet and whilst I occasionally get pangs of hunger I know that it is because I'm not eating quite enough at meal times. I still only have three meals a day and the recommendation is four. I shall try and work out how I can possibly do that.
Apparently my blood tests aren't due until June so a bit of a reprieve there then. Whether or not I'll be able to string them out back to December will have to wait and see.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Here we are again
Back on the good old Sony PC. It wasn't quite as painful as I was expecting - I suppose the good thing about having an image back up is that quite a bit of the work was already done and apart from having to update various software packages - it has taken just the morning to get me up and working to this level where I can actually write a blog, send emails, browse the internet etc.
The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!
The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.
I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-) It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though! Phew.
The Synchronisation software immediately recognised the computer and that stuff was missing and is synchronising as I write - brilliant!
The blogger back up software needed reinstalling but the blogs were all backed into the cloud too.
I need to re do the gmail back up next - that should be fun :-) It is nice to have the computer back and functioning though! Phew.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Still churning away
My computer has been rebuilding for around 10 hours now and I hope by the morning it will be a little nearer completion.
I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too. I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-) I can have that affect on people. Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.
What else? Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked. That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times. I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too! Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.
Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.
I continue to hope that things wont be too painful to get it restored back to the way it was but I foresee a long and painful journey ahead - I certainly hope I don't have to "talk" to Messrs Microsoft once more about re-loading the software I paid for back onto the same machine because of a hard drive failure - they fail to see that it is still the same PC and that I actually bought the software for that PC too. I really don't need that sh1t again it ended with me getting pretty shitty to the operator who hung up on me:-) I can have that affect on people. Applying the logic bit and asking them to restate the terms and conditions and then keeping going back to the beginning about it being the same machine probably didn't help their state of mind.
What else? Not much really - I need to go to the Doctors tomorrow and get my Blood Pressure checked. That's if we don't get blown away or washed away with the storms we are having in between times. I hope they abate for next week as I'm up to London a couple of days next week and out every day too! Not looking forward to that but it happens every year at this time.
Will have to see how my dad is tomorrow - it didn't sound great this morning and I suppose we will have to see if he has "given up the will" which is what it sounded like this morning.
New Hard Drive
As I write the image from the back up drive is busy burning itself onto my new hard drive that arrived this morning. A 10 minute swap around and a few false starts looks as if this will rebuild the PC probably back to where it started in the first place... Let's hope that this gets me somewhere near where I need to be. It will probably be a good two or three days to get back to the situation I was in 4 or 5 weeks ago.
Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost. That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working. Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days! That's a very short life really. Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.
Thanks goodness all the key stuff was backed up but unfortunately all my bookmarks and that sort of local stuff was (or would have been ) lost. That can be a right pain trying to resolve but the main thing is to get the PC back and working. Damn annoying that the hard drive only lasted 490 odd days! That's a very short life really. Anyway - let's hope it will be resolved soon.
The Wheels Are Falling Off
Not me, my dad. Sounds like this morning he really isn't in a good place. He's always suffered from - shall we call it - depression? He gets stressed out by certain situations and whilst I've only seen it a few times, it is pretty freaky. The worst I ever saw him was at my Uncle's (my mums brother) funeral just as we arrived for the service. But he also goes very quiet and introverted too so you don't get much out of him. Even we can't unlock that sometimes and it's not great but apparently today it is markedly bad.
That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in. Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.
The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.
That's not a great place to be and in my own experience, the dark stuff really is very dark indeed and it takes a lot to get yourself out of the trough you are in. Lately dad has been having his medication adjusted and moved around so that I imagine has some bearing on this but also, of course, the disease is progressing, the tumour is no doubt getting larger and perhaps the staging has changed.
The continuing loss of weight is an obvious factor that also depresses him and try as he might he cannot find the strength to do basic things for himself - for someone so independent you can see that this will play on his mind which remains unaffected by it all.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What to do?
It is getting to the point now where I've started to get into some detail about what to do next. It is quite incredible that even after all the effort of the past 2 years I don't feel bad about it. I am though wondering why I shouldn't use these skills to take on a more serious job but that's the trouble I haven't got the inclination to go and join the rat race again and feel that I'd probably not fit in too well. I'd probably be able to go back to doing my jobbing project and program management work again as long as it isn't in London and I don't have to commute each day. I don't think I'd mind being abroad for short periods either but again I'm weighing each of these options up.
It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel.... My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.
It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again. That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.
You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs. I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...
It is quite a messy argument going on about whether it is better to take a local low paid job, sell up and go do something else or go back on to the hamster wheel.... My mind maps and spreadsheets grow as I wrestle with the options, the pros and the cons and the ups and the downs.
It's a funny thing that half way through the day I suddenly remembered that I'd been ill and that I ought to place a risk into my thinking about what would happen if I got ill again. That's pretty negative but I suppose I need to consider that especially as Bladder Cancer can come back and bite you when you least expect it so there's a new bit in my calculations that perhaps wonders whether stress and the bad habits you get into would add to that worry and increase the chances.
You can't mitigate for every eventuality but you do need a Plan B and Plan C in case something like this occurs. I see more of this sort of analysis going on in future...
Go AWAY cold
My cold is hanging around and the cough and blocked nose are still there but I don't feel ill. Trying to shake it off is difficult though and annoying as I just want it gone.
I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out. Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-)
I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.
I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years.
I've spent the day doing catch up on some accounting stuff, doing my tax return and generally getting sorted out. Not much of a tax return as I've been paid nothing this year :-)
I've not heard back from the Hospital so hope that is good news and I've been taking my BP readings which are acceptable and so have to visit the nurse on Thursday - let's hope that my readings then are a little lower this time.
I've a visit from the auditors tomorrow to look at my accounts and I hope they find them in order - it will be useful as they can be presented on time for the first time in years.
Monday, April 23, 2012
St. George's Day
Flocky Bicep and another friend are off to the ST. George's Day bash in London. It's a great day out but I really didn't want to go this year. Next week is wall to wall eating and drinking and I'm dreading that. I'm also not sure that Mrs. F. will be too impressed with me spending out a large sum of cash on booze especially when I've told her that I've just worked for 2 years (without earning anything) and that I've got to go and so something else for a living :-) So diet and the savings in not sending in the UN to keep the peace in the household means that I've declined the offer as much as I'd like to go.
So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time. I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off. It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on? All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on. If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.
So - Monday morning of the last week of real work on the business and by the end of the week we will have enough in place to close things down in around 3 or 4 weeks time. I see emails have gone out this morning kicking things off. It is a bit of a sad day but there you go, if the market isn't ready for us then maybe later on? All the work is complete and archived - backed up and ready to be dusted off at any time and we are awaiting the final responses that we aren't expecting to be positive and will then play one last card and see if we can sell the idea on. If we can - great - if not, well we moth ball everything and review it every 6 months or so I guess.
Cheat day reprised
The problem with cheat day is that you indulge all your forbidden foods and that's fine - you can see why but I also wonder whether it also makes you not want to do it eventually. This morning I woke up and the very last thing I wanted to do was to eat. I forced myself to have breakfast and lunch too. This evening I had a bigger portion of vegetables and legumes as I'm pretty certain that eating these larger portions is better having now re-read the book. Counter intuitive, well yes, but the stuff you are eating is much lower in terms of calories than you are used to so filling yourself up is more a matter of getting close to what you are used to.
Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim. On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess. They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.
I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future. I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room. There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property. It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work. Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too. So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on. This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too. On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies. So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.
Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable. For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too. I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).
Whatever it is, I feel a lot better about myself and was really pleased to go out and actually look slim. On Saturday night I was able to sport one of my really nice Hawe and Curtis shirts and I haven't been able to fit into those for 3 years I guess. They really are nice shirts and have just been sat in the wardrobe waiting for me to slim back into them.
I've been looking at different ideas for what to do with myself in the future. I've been running the pros and cons of running a traditional English tea room. There is one for sale on the Kent / Sussex border that looks great and in a Sussex style roofed property. It looks great but of course these sorts of things are hard work. Not that hard work is the worry but there's also all the work / life balance stuff too. So each opportunity has to pass a series of tests that include money, life style and so on. This one is in the balance as it would encroach on my present lifestyle but then it would give me a living and plenty of leisure time too. On the other hand I'd probably miss my local friends and my hobbies. So weighing up all of these things on a case by case basis is essential. I find myself drawn to a country lifestyle but I need to be certain that I can live like that - it isn't as idyllic as it looks or sounds. You'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to live where my parents and my brother live - that's way out in the country and has its own problems.
Life is interesting at the moment - I've not felt too angry or too sad about the end of the 2 year adventure but I'm really beginning to question what I "really" want out of life and whether or not I truly want to continue in the rat race or whether selling up and moving on is viable. For me it is but there are three other people that need to be considered too. I remember all too well the impact that moving away had on me when I was 19 / 20 years old and also when I was 10 when my parents moved us out of London and I'd think twice before impacting the children (hardly that any-more).
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Prolonged Cheat Day
It was a bit difficult to get out of it really. Last night was my friend's and my Christmas present - a meal at a Gastro Pub and very nice it was too - a bit quaint and they were mobbed out but the food was excellent as was the beer. Today is official cheat day and I "suppose" I could have stopped last night and had yesterday as a cheat day but I'm out again tonight so decided to just go over by the extra meal allowing me to recommence tomorrow.
I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist. I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging. I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-( I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week. Probably best to write it off and start again the week after.
I'm still coughing for England here! Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out. I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough. I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it. It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc...... Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.
I was able to parade my flatter stomach last night in a shirt that didn't struggle to pop the buttons and a par of trousers easily 2" too big for my waist. I'm below 16 stone now and that's so encouraging. I hope to continue that sort of progress but the week after next is an absolute nightmare - 5 events in 5 days :-( I will just have to take it easy and try and pick my way through the minefield on that week. Probably best to write it off and start again the week after.
I'm still coughing for England here! Also found for certain the problem with my PC - one of the 2 500GB hard drives has failed - unfortunately the main operating system one but the second one has the recovery partition and so with any luck I'll be able to sort that out. I may take advantage of the ability to remove data if the drive still works enough. I've ordered a new drive and so hope that when that comes I can swap one out and re-build it. It certainly saves me having to purchase a new pc...... Mind you it's taken 3 weeks or more to diagnose that.
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