Goodbye 2006

2006 - Am I glad to see the end of you!

What a year, what a ride - no more of the same for 2007 please.

2007 will have to be better - I haven't thought of any New Year's Resolutions excepting the getting fit, eating better and looking after myself a bit more than I perhaps have in the past.

Happy New Year to you all!

Late Again

A sort of pattern emerging although tonight I was coughing and have just gone and sorted out that age old remedy some hot honey, lemon and a shot of brandy to see if I can stop this incessant tickle in my throat.

Whilst seeing if that is working and in an effort not to wake up the remainder of the house I have got myself into my office for a short while.

New Year's Eve - 2007 is going to be a very different year. last year things were going in a totally different direction on many fronts. This year I am going to be considering all sorts of options and making decisions on those - gone will be the snap decisions of years before, lots of planning will be needed to make sure that I work around the Hospital dates and treatments but that I can still keep as normal a life as possible. I don't think the last point will be achievable but I'll give it a go anyway.

Only time will tell if everything I have will still exist in the coming months. I foresee somethings not surviving the changes that have happened or are happening. I'm not going to predict whether it will be work, social, family or other at the moment but I just have this feeling that I'm not only going to have Bladder Cancer on my CV of traumatic life incidents by the same time next year - something else will be added to the list.

It sounds pessimistic, I suppose it probably is, but perhaps inevitable as well. In the back of my mind is the very real possibility of telling someone that "life is too short" and walking away from something - could be work (I've done that before) it could be something I'm involved in socially, it could be something worse - I'll get to that when I get there.

Honey, Lemon and Brandy are sort of clearing the throat and almost finished so I'll finish for now. I suppose I had better work on some New Year's Resolutions!

It was a long night

I think I finally fell asleep at about 3. Damn brain will go and do this occasionally and go off down some long and complicated set of "What if" scenarios. There is no easy way to stop it doing this. Nothing get sorted out of course as all of these scenarios can only be played out if certain conditions are met and then certain other conditions are met. It is no use second guessing what may happen as it hasn't happened - just try and tell your brain that when you've got Cancer or anything else though!

Living and Survival

I have read a number of accounts of people with various Cancers and the words surviving and living are used with different emphasis throughout.

Surviving in my view is staring death in the face and not dying. However some people survive a number of years. I tend to think of myself as living with the condition and hoping for remission or cure or whatever. I wouldn't consider that survival, I'd call that living.

It really is far too late on a Friday night to even be thinking like this but this is the sort of time when the brain gets active and you know you are in for a long sleepless night!

Failing to meet my expectations

Not me - this is other people. You come out of treatment changed and you expect a lot more of people, you've changed, why haven't they? You set high expectations, perhaps too high and the trouble is they will always fail to meet your ideals.

I can't tell you why I expect more from those around me but I do. I expect people to understand the problems I have been through, the pain, the trauma and to treat me differently. I'm guessing that this is where the problem lies. I've spent ages dumbing down and making light of what I have, now I am expecting most people to realise that actually it was serious and I'm not getting the balance right at all. I always say I'm fine, I'm OK and I am now, I wasn't earlier on - only now do I realise just how much I've been through these past 5 months - the mind must just blank it out.

The real issue is that I am finding it hard to realise that actually I am the only person who has changed and all those around me are the same as before - why should they have changed, there was nothing life changing in their lives. For me, things will never be the same again and so outlook, expectations and time all matter differently to me than to anyone who knew me before. I have a view that I might not be here too long and so you (or I) ought to do something now rather than put it off. I want to fit in more and yet no one else does. I can imagine this is going to lead to some interesting situations as things progress as typically I wouldn't kick up a stink about this and I haven't so far but sooner or later I'm bound to pose the question.

I notice that I really do give stick to suppliers and others when I'm dealing with them on the phone or in correspondence so I imagine it may be only a short time before everyone else gets the "benefit of my thinking".

Tiredness

It can only be that since Christmas Eve we have not stopped having people here, going out and so on. Additionally I have been exercising for about an hour each time which I have not been used to for 5 months or so.

It was Christmas Day that marked the 5th month Anniversary of the first operation. It doesn't seem that short a period at all - I suppose because so much has happened. I've enjoyed Christmas this year more because I didn't think I'd be here.

Today I've just got some odd paperwork to do, the family are out at the sales and I've had a good sleep. I feel a bit tired but not fatigued. I'll see how today pans out.

That Strange Feeling

I reckon that it is one of those things you get that plays on your mind.

"If I get to survive the first one maybe there is another one lined up to get me" coupled with that is "If he wants me that bad...."
"Something else is wrong with me"
"I wonder if it is coming back again"

I can't say that it is worrying me a lot it is just one of those nagging little things at the back of your mind and one of the things you have to deal with.

The slightest twinge or ache gets you worried about what it could be. Having been relatively healthy for 30 years I've gone from being someone who rarely worried about my health to a border line hypercondriac (well not quite) but I'm aware of my body and how I feel all the time.

I don't get it so much now but earlier on in the very early days before the operation and before I knew better the little voices would be there with stuff like "You won't be there for your children when they need you", "You'll predecease your parents" and that sort of stuff. It goes with the territory and its part of the disease. You just have to learn to put the thoughts as far away as possible as that isn't the present situation - nor is it likely to be. The Brain though is a complicated thing and it can be a nuisance having a questioning mind.

Again very tired today

Well Yesterday actually. Absolutely knackered and I slept for 10 hours. I wonder if I am ailing for something? Hope not I could do without anything else going wrong in 2006 and for a good start to 2007. I have a horrible feeling that there is something else wrong with me - perhaps just being a bit pessimistic there but whilst I still feel well something is nagging at the back of my mind about this tiredness.

Ten Hours

Sleep that is - slept like a log only just got up but feel better for it. Off out in a few minutes - at least I don't have to do anything myself today apart from drive there.

Almost overdone it

Phew - what is it? 1:10 in the morning and we have just cleared away from the party. We kicked it off with a walk yesterday afternoon lasting an hour and just went on from there with lots of food, booze and party games! I have to say though I really am knackered. Wife told me to go to bed ages ago but it isn't fair but now I have helped tidy up, I am really feeling it. She is tidying up downstairs, just the last few bits. Out again tomorrow and I hope that as a guest all I need to do is eat, drink and be my amusing self! Any more work than that and I'll be out of it! At least I'll get Friday off.

I caught a little bit of TV magic today - "Goodbye Mr. Tom" I think it was. Blow me if I wasn't almost reduced to tears by the last 30 minutes of it. I can honestly say that I don't get moved by stories like this normally, no matter how well acted but it just hit a chord today I think.

Off to bed now - should sleep like the proverbial log!

They took a lot more out of me than I thought

I have started to notice that my level of physical fitness is nowhere near what it was before the operations and treatment, I was breathing hard walking up the hill home last night. I feel really well and so it is a bit of a surprise that I am weaker than I feel or not as fit as my brain keeps telling me I am. Going for a walk is not a problem and I have enjoyed that recently but I am thinking about how I now go on to increase my level of fitness as it is obvious that there is a wide gap between what I think I can do and what I can actually achieve.

I did take things very easy after both operations and I have also been extremely careful not to do anything to screw up the treatment etc., that tends to mean being quite sedentary and you certainly don't want to do too much after a TURBT as you can set yourself bleeding again. That leads to sitting or lying down for long periods of time and not burning off the food which, if I think about it, probably grew in quantity although I have not been eating fattening things.

Diet alone isn't going to do this I need to start working on my fitness levels too.

Tired

Again, it is creeping up on me. A long day yesterday and I was out for a walk this morning, with friends at lunchtime and then at a family do this evening and I am really feeling tired. OK It's late now but I've gone past the sleepy stage. I'll need to remember that I will probably be absolutely knackered once I start back at work again. A big difference working from home and travelling and working!

A Change is in the air

I think that yesterday was the beginning of a change of direction perhaps there was a shift of the way I am with people. I fended off the ignorance of my condition and did that nicely. I was a lot more withdrawn and quiet than I normally am I noticed. I did keep myself to myself a lot more than normal. I was very tired by the end of the day. Something is nagging away at the back of my mind about change or the need for it. I can't tell if that means radical or gradual change at the moment.

Sanctuary

Escaped for 5 minutes to my office. Great day but I am very tired. I'll go and get some fresh air before the evening rush!

This is fun

Yes indeed.

Just tried on a pair of trousers and shot the button across the room. Another pair on at the moment straining - hope they last the night! I've been wearing jogging bottom trousers for months now. Oh dear - this does mean serious dieting if I can only squeeze into one pair :-(

Christmas Eve

Earlier in the year I didn't think I'd make this one and if I had of, I may not have made the next, such was the fear and lack of knowledge about my condition early on. I know differently now and I know that things can change too. So today I am doing what I normally do on Christmas Eve. I cook and prepare and then go to a party in the evening which we have been to for the past 16 years!

Today, I had a good night's sleep and feel a lot better than I have done for the past few days. Not too tired. I'll be cooking and glazing the Ham and preparing the Vegetables for tomorrow. If I get the chance then I'll tinker about with some prep for the gravy too. I can have the Christmas CDs playing around the house, whack on the scented candles and have a few slurps of red wine or perhaps a beer whilst I am cooking. All this gets me into the spirit of the event and then we have the party later on which is a great evening with our friends and all the children all grew up together and get on fine which is great.

Wishing you a Merry Christmas

Easily worn out

I must be out of condition, the past few days have seen me really tired at the end of the day. I've been doing a lot more than usual and most of that has been physical work. Diet starts the day after Boxing Day - and more exercise too.

Looking forward to the next few days

I'm going to be with my family and we are going to be doing things together, going to parties, having the wider family around on Christmas Day and for the next 4 or 5 days we will be able to spend time with each other. We do tend to live in the same house but pass like ships in the night sometimes. It will be quite a good way to end of a pretty poor year for me and to look forward to a better year in 2007.

Comments and an Interesting Link

I am grateful to Lynne (see post below) who sent a really interesting link about the way statistics can be interpreted. I have often found the various figures thrown around difficult to interpret and, of course, everyone is different, has different health issues and so on. The article HERE is extremely good at setting out a positive version of what is shown. So once again thanks Lynne for that.

On the subject of comments on the blog site, it is good to receive these be they supportive, informative or both.

A Bit More Anger Management

I was reading some other posts on a forum and some people were very angry especially as they had some pretty radical surgery. I can understand that. I imagine though that their anger will be tempered somewhat later on, once the pain and discomfort and inconvenience (in more ways than one) have subsided. The reason it will subside is that it really is a lot better than being dead. It really is.

I've said that cancers are survivable and that huge steps now make it possible to survive things like this and so I am being bought time and so is everyone else who has treatment whether radical or not. I think when you work that out then you can control the anger from the absolute rage you get very early on to the stupid stuff I was banging on about earlier.

The trouble with much of this is you probably have to come to terms with this on your own unless you happen to be able to talk to someone who has gone through something similar.. I suppose I am lucky that I know two guys who have both had Prostate Cancer recently and their experiences whilst not exactly the same are good to get a bounce off and to share emotions. Both of them are now cured which is great news. As I said before mine doesn't go away that easily but is able to be managed and maintained.

I could occasionally do with a sound deadened room and a box full of crockery to smash :-)

The Short Fuse

A bit early in the morning to be "Mr. Angry" but the slightest thing can set you off sometimes . Someone hasn't cleared their mess which has been lying around for a day or two, tripping over some discarded trainers left (aren't they always) in the middle of the hall and so on. Sometimes the smallest trigger and it's "all aimed at me". Well it probably isn't but it feels like it is sometimes.

It never gets to much as I can escape to my office and keep out of the way. It just amazes me that I get wound up by such trivial things. I'll be fine now for the rest of the day no doubt. I never used to be so easily "windupable". It obviously comes with the territory. I tend to hide my anger and disappear. Occasionally there will be a few words said.

I reckon I am no longer angry that I got Cancer or that it was me; that seemed to pass pretty quickly you have to accept that it is your lot. There is something more selfish in these little outbursts I find. It really isn't what I am like although I tend to have a sharp tongue at work and not suffer fools gladly.

Maybe it is only me who has changed and maybe only I find that I want (should) be treated differently? Perhaps there is a need to make the best use of my time remaining on the planet (you DO think this way even with a survivable one - I mean what happens if you don't respond to treatment?). I cannot see that those who do not have a life threatening disease can possibly see it that way. I think you do look differently, you've seen the place where you are heading, you firmly believe that you are going to get there a lot faster than you wanted to and your outlook has changed, those around you will not have the clarity of thinking nor will they be operating under the same rules and outlook as you.

Christmas Notes

I'm getting a lot of supportive notes and the odd person admitting to having had or still having Cancer - so that will allow me to have a chat with people I know about things next year. It still surprises me how many people look for cures and full recovery and so on. I am getting to the point that it no longer bothers me and I am now quite happy to explain the situation. I still haven't got to an "Elevator Pitch" to say all I need to say in about 60 seconds - I'm sure I will perfect that with time.

Appears to be gone

That was a strange episode yesterday, I don't have too many of the symptoms left this morning, I'm up early and raring to go as usual. I was due to go out last night for a few beers which I had to cancel which was a bit of a shame.

Strange - Flu now gone

How strange is this? I got up this morning got to my desk and felt really tired and all I wanted to do was go to sleep. I've spent most of the day collapsed in a chair and decided to have a few paracetamol this evening and I feel fine again now. Hopefully that is it. A friend reckoned it is something that is going around and lasts anywhere between a day and a week!

Great - Flu!

Just what I needed. I was alright until about 9 this morning and suddenly I felt really awful. Been lazing around all day with some sort of mild Flu symptoms but the worst bit is I just don't feel like doing anything at all. It is too long ago since the treatment to be that. Its bound to be the usual thing, stop work and get a cold!

Everyone is home for the holidays

This should be interesting. Everyone is home and I am normally stuck in the house on my own for hours on end - I wonder what the dynamics of this will be? I'm the only one up at the moment and all is quiet - let's hope it stays that way

What on Earth am I doing here clock watching?

I just caught myself at it! What an idiot :-) I have just been working away cleaning up some files and sitting at my PC and thinking - "roll on 5:30, I can pop downstairs and relax" Then I looked up at the clock and thought "Doh! I'm on holiday this week - what an utter wally!"

Maybe they took my brain out when they operated :-)

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

The trouble with looking stuff up on the web and then reading it is, occasionally, you can take it out of context, don't understand what it is actually saying, or be skilled enough to read exactly what it is getting at.

There is a great deal of stuff out there and I come across new bits of information all the time. What I did today was to follow someone's link to a presentation which was a little depressing as it has figures that looked, to me, far more pessimistic than I'd been led to believe the success rate was for BCG treatment. I certainly don't like the idea of "highly likely" tumour recurrences - that would put me off - but apparently that does happen a lot. I'm kind of hoping that I'll get maintenance but even that doesn't rule out getting more tumours.

The other problem is how do you interpret the statistics - they are probably normalised somehow but who is actually "normal"?

So - try not to do too much of this without putting it in perspective. I do have to admit though that having read this latest one I feel quite down. That won't last longer than an hour or so and I'll be alright again but it can be a shock to the system to read facts and figures. You do need to find out the data behind it and also read some of the things like sample size to start to realise that some is good science and the other stuff, due to the small sample, could be out by a long way.

Perspectives

I was out this morning and talking to an old friend who has to have heart surgery. It was an interesting conversation as the worry is that it is 4 months to get the angioplasty and "I could drop dead tomorrow!" So one of the things he is doing is sorting out all the "dead" things in a "Dead File" - who to contact, what bank accounts and insurances are held where and so on. That brings it home to you having to sort these tings out. I have most of my stuff well organised but I don't have a dead file yet. It wouldn't be a bad thing to make sure that everything was in order and available rather than trying to sift through my office and find it all.

Bit of a sobering thought. I guess if I did it next year as a project it may be useful - not that I am planning on doing anything that would need it but just in case of course :-)

A Real Treat

For the past 6 Mondays I have missed my regular meeting with a bunch of very good friends. So tonight it was brilliant to meet up and have a beer before Christmas and a catch up of all the things that have happened over the past 6 weeks. We put many things to rights of course and once all the problems of the World had been resolved, we went on to discuss the finer points of politics, religion and some of the simpler issues. We had some fun discussing the interesting application methods of my recent therapy (as blokes are inclined to do) of course when it got to anything that may be eye watering or even slightly "below the belt" they gave up on that! :-)

So nice to get out and meet up with my friends again - what a relief to still be able to drink. The only problem is my clothes stink of cigarette smoke - yuk! OK I know I used to but suddenly I am really very sensitive to it. I noticed it with people smoking outside the Hospital - it really makes me feel quite ill these days.

I am off again tomorrow resolving someone's PC problems and I have now managed to track down some legacy equipment for the other problem I inherited this morning. That is my lot for today, I've done more today on my holiday than I would have done if I'd gone to work!! I must be doing something wrong...

A different sort of Monday

Normally I'd be lying down and getting ready for the side effects of my BCG treatment but that finished last Monday. It has been strange today, almost as if something was missing :-) Really though, I don't miss it.

I am meant to be on holiday, so far I've fixed three PCs today and I've another to do tomorrow! None of them mine I hasten to add. Trouble is I'm not really a PC technician - I know about it of course but that is about all.

Glossary

Rather Than re-invent the wheel (I probably could but it may not be round or circular) here is a list of sites that have a glossary of terms that may be of use:

From MedicineNet

M D Anderson Center

From the Bladder Cancer Web Cafe

A brief set from the latter site:

TCC =transitional cell carcinoma--most common form of bladder cancer
TUR= transurethral resection--minimally invasive surgery performed via the urethra, also known as TURBT-transurethral resection bladder tumor
IVP= intravenous pyelogram--test for checking the kidneys and ureters
CYSTO =cystoscopy, inspection of the bladder with a lighted instrument.
RESECTION =(surgically) cutting out.
CIS =carcinoma in situ (flat tumor)
BCG=-Bacillus Calmette-Guerin -immunotherapy for superficial Bladder Cancer
TURB, TURP = TransUrethral Resection of the Bladder or Prostate
RC = radical cystecomy (surgical removal of the bladder and prostate in men, bladder and reproductive organs in women)
MRI= magnetic resonance imaging, diagnostic test
CT= computerized tomography, diagnostic test

End of Treatment and a difficult question

Has the Treatment worked?

Difficult - I am not going to know until late March at the earliest. I'm not sure that my feeling well and feeling great actually means that much, it may be a state of mind but has no basis in fact I think.

So it is really difficult to answer and again if you think about it you'd expect a treatment to work pretty quickly especially as you have finished the course.

I have to explain both the above of course so that people understand that whilst I feel well, the treatment doesn't really kick in until about now and that I have the anxiety of three months to wait until I get to find the results of this work.

I'll start exercising as soon as I get into shape

I have started doing a lot more now. We are going out every Sunday for a family walk and I am beginning to get out and about a bit more. It is actually quite difficult to put a regular period of time aside for exercise as I often find that I work away from home or I am travelling. I think I am going to start with taking 30 minutes walk each day and see where that leads.

I am blessed with having the countryside just 5 minutes away and a large choice of footpaths and bridleways so at least I won't be trudging around built up areas.

Just realised something

I suppose some people must have a real problem with people who have cancer either from some past experience or perhaps not knowing enough.

Why do I say that? Well, I have had to cancel all sorts of engagements and meetings and I have always sent apology notes explaining why I cannot attend and giving a very brief update of where I am now and how I hope to attend again in the New Year. Not one person has dropped me a line back acknowledging that I have sent a note or apologised, asking me how I am or anything like it yet they still send the invites. I'm not particularly worried about that but it crossed my mind this morning when I saw an invite to a meeting and it can only have been last week I wrote and told him that I would make January onwards.

There's none so queer as folk (North Country Saying)

Big day today

My wife is 49 years and 365 days today. My parents and my brother and his family are making a long journey down to be with us, later more friends will arrive and I thought I'd better blog now as I won't have time during the day.

I hope everyone concentrates on the birthday and not how I am. I imagine for those around me it must be pretty tedious for me to always be the centre of attention. Right off to blow up some balloons, get breakfast on for everyone and generally get myself prepared for non stop catering.

Set E-Mail to auto respond

Telephone diverted, e-mail "not in office" auto responder on, I'm outta here!

Demob happy

Yes, only an hour to go and I'm off on holiday (vacation) for the next two weeks - fantastic! There is a celebration in the house tomorrow - someone is 50 and it isn't me :-) So we will have a party running almost all day.

As a celebration of making it through the 6 BCGs I have put a bottle of Champagne in the fridge with the intention of marking the end of this year's treatments.

My daughters and I will be preparing the house and the food from early tomorrow and I am sure that we will have a great day with family and friends. If there is no blog tomorrow - then you'll know why.

Strange old night

Yes that was strange. I'd been out for a few hours and just couldn't get to sleep. Nothing particularly on my mind just couldn't sleep hence the late blogs and conversations with the US.

Anyway, it is my last day at work today and I then finish for Christmas. I can take a few weeks off, the treatment is behind me and I can concentrate on other things for a while. I might even take a break from blogging for the odd day

Learning a New Language

Yes - it IS going to be a long night - I am wide awake at 2 am. I just had a chat online with a buddy in San Francisco and it occurred to me that there is a whole new language to learn when it comes to bladder cancer. I was looking on the bladder cafe web site and the contributors regularly rattle on about grade 2 tumours, invasive, TCC etc. It takes a while to get exactly what everyone is talking about.

Given a little time it is easy. TURBT sometimes TUR = Transurethral Resection of a bladder tumour. CIS = Carcinoma in Situ and so on.

I will get around to pulling together a glossary of terms as otherwise no one is going to know what is going on. The problem also is that a TURBT is specific to the subject although you can get something similar in Prostate Cancers. So when most people would have heard of a tonsillectomy you really need to find your way around a bladder and all the various stages to understand what is going on. I'll try not to use any buzz words but if I do I will ensure that I explain what they are before hand.

Further Stages of Kübler-Ross Cycle

The normal state is steady

Then comes:

• Shock - Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news
• Denial - Trying to avoid the inevitable, disbelief
• Anger - frustration and an outpouring of pent up emotions
• Bargaining - Seeking (in vain) for a way out of this
• Testing - trying out different scenarios and solutions
• Acceptance - finally finding a way forward and eventually back to a steady stage again.

This can be applied to not only grief stricken people (loss of a loved one for example) but also to those who are diagnosed terminally ill, it can equally apply and be used for change in a business context - someone losing their job or their job changing. I think it applies equally well to being diagnosed with a disease like Cancer too. If you read this blog you'll know that I am newly diagnosed and under the first set of treatments. I think that I have come through shock and denial although I'm not sure that denial lasted long enough or whether I had enough time to do that. Anger - well yes but not a long period of this, I have more trouble in small things making me angry (looks like a bit of denial there doesn't it? :-) ). I'm not sure if bargaining comes out of this as it is out of my hands to some extent. I have to do what is right and my Specialist advises me and I take their advice and keep my side of any treatment regime. Testing - this blog is a way of testing and people like my guardian angel drop the odd note back to me to tell me what they read that I said and how they read it (if that makes sense - they may see a hidden meaning or signal and let me know). Acceptance. I am definitely not there yet but I think that you may have to accept a number of different things here:

• Accept you have Cancer
• Accept what that means to you and your life
• Accept what that means to your family and friends
• Accept the treatment and the various routes that it could take (good and bad) - this will take some time I think.
• Accept that inevitably you will have this for the rest of your life or be watched over (in and out of Hospitals with things stuck in you) for the rest of your life. I haven't quite got the measure of that yet
• Accept that it isn't a short term fix and you will have to adjust your life etc to live with it
• Accept that it just may kill you - got to get to grips with that - I saw the demons when I was diagnosed and I don't want to go there again.
• Accept that I may not be able to tell some of the people who are nearest and dearest to me my darkest fears and worries as I'll probably hurt them more than any benefit I'll get for off loading those. I'm not sure what I'll do about that. The blog can only go so far, the dark places are very dark indeed and perhaps a trained counsellor or a support group although I don't feel the need for that yet.

So a lot to do before you get there but I do think that I am making progress, that I am working my way through but more than all of that and importantly, I feel that I do know that I am going through these phases and I have enough people around me to help me if I get in trouble with any of them.

Still Awake - Thinking

My guardian angel dropped me a line and as always, made me think differently about the anger I was feeling. Interestingly enough, I know about this and from my Consulting days - especially when undertaking major cultural change or business change, staff can go through one or all of these stages.

It is based on the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle albeit that no one actually dies. It Has a series of stages:

• Shock
• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Testing
• Acceptance

It is actually quite a complex subject and no one size fits all. Some people get stuck in the stages, some get the stages out of order and flit backwards and forwards between them, some miss out stages altogether. It was (and indeed still is) my job to ensure that staff going through a change at work were mentored through the change and that things like the shock itself was softened, that there was good communication that we could use the bargaining time to get acceptance and buy in and by minimising any time in the depression phase we could make the cycle as short as possible. The reason we were trained in this technique was that some people got to the depression or anger state and just got deeper into them without coming through the cycle. We also had to make the cycle as fast as possible and as manageable as possible as we would inevitably lose production. In the early 90s we were going through massive changes and huge losses of jobs and so we had to be careful about how we communicated, managed and delivered the changes.

A strange thing to say but

If there was such a thing as a "good" cancer to get it may well be bladder cancer. It is treatable and generally (in men) you can tell pretty quickly whether you have got it. Most of the people going in with symptoms have the earlier presentation that can be surgically removed or can be treated. The response rates are good and so on. There are of course other issues but generally it is one that caught early can be treated and it appears you can have it recur for a long time and keep treating it.

It occurred to me that not all cancers are going to be like that. some of course are just cut out and that is it. Some are far more difficult to detect and by the time they are detected they may be advanced.

I was explaining that I felt I was very lucky to have bladder cancer and to be in a country where it is treatable.

Lunch with a survivor

It was an interesting lunch time today. A friend of mine who has had his Prostate removed at about the same time I was diagnosed is (of course) now cured albeit, he has a long road to recovery. We met some time ago and between us were comparing war stories.

It was quite therapeutic for both of us I hope to be swapping stories and identifying with the emotions you go though. He had some very dark moments indeed. I've not had such massive depressions thank goodness. We both thought it was fun about how angry we could now get and how quickly that anger could come out although we were able to control it. Then there was the evil sense of humour and interestingly enough this one:

Neither of us waits to get consensus anymore, we cannot spend time prevaricating, and so we just go ahead and make plans and people can live with them or not, we are not bothered about having to get complete buy in.

Also another was the area of pleasing yourself and blow what anyone else thinks and finally one that we differed on slightly, he felt he was more compassionate and I felt that I perhaps hadn't stopped to consider that but I probably would be, I'd just not put it to the test. My one which he didn't share was the occasional "lump in the throat" especially in well made films or documentaries - as I said earlier, don't let me watch Bambi - I'd be in bits....

It was a very enjoyable lunch and it is great to meet someone who has been through what you have been through and feels the same as you do.

Let that be a warning to .............

ME.

So all the fuss and worry about what the "idiot" was doing at work came to not a lot. I made a few calls then called them and it was just a badly worded e-mail, in fact it was a non event really.

So "Warning to Self". Stop, take deep breath, it's not personal, they are not out to get you. Slow down and take it easy. Now I normally do these things and I am normally cool calm and collected so it is obviously something to do with me getting worried about getting back to work, trying too hard to re-make my mark back there or some such thing. So I am warned and ready for the next one. Communicate by phone it is easier better still look them in the whites of their eyes!

Anyway, anger has been managed, sense prevailed and I only got angry on this blog and not elsewhere so that is alright then!

On to the next challenge :-)

Do not read too much into these posts

I use the blog to get things off my chest and occasionally it can look like I'm severely depressed but I'm not really. I don't think I'd post at all if I was that down.

So the blog is about how you feel and the things you think. I can get morose and dark but it doesn't last long as I take out out on the blog here and then it is gone.

Thank Goodness only 2 days to go

Then I am on holiday (Vacation). I have plenty to get on with but I have one idiot who obviously wants to get some point across and yet can't say or ask a straight forward question. You probably know the sort of thing that you read and you think; "Hold on, that question is loaded" Well it is like that, the way the questions are worded and phrased and their general ambiguity are ringing alarm bells. I know the answers yet it would probably be best for me to go and do a day or two research. That of course is a waste of time but it may get the point across.

And the moral of the story is? When you have had your life changed you really cannot see the benefit of office politics, transactional analysis and all that psychic mumbo jumbo. Life really is too short.

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

What if I am one of the 30%

The BCG treatment and maintenance appears (depending on where and what you read) to have a 70% chance of working. If you end up being one of the 30% then there is a 50% chance that the next go with BCG will sort it. They are pretty good odds. Of course if you are one of the 30% then you only have a 50/50 at the next go but even so, they aren't bad odds if you think about it. It's not as if you are doing the lottery at about 47,000,000 to 1!

Mind you, I still don't know how I'd feel to be one of the 30%. The best thing would be to be seeing the Urology Nurse again soon after the biopsies are done and be on the Maintenance course. You'd have thought that wouldn't be so but if you get the nod you then go for 3, 6, 12, 18, 24 & 36 month instillations of BCG (you get a course of 3 each time not the 6 like I've just had). Not sure if these go all the way out to year 10 like the US Dr. Lamm protocol. I suppose I'll find out soon enough.

Losing Patience

I do find that I am losing patience with people these days. I suppose that before I'd be quite happy to listen to them and think they were stupid and just get on with it. Now, well, life is too short really! I can hardly believe the utter bollocks people come out with. I've also noticed that I am treated differently which is great fun and could be exploitable. This is going to be interesting. On one hand some people are just being plain stupid and thick (either on purpose or they really are) and on the other they are being patronising and acting as if I have somehow had my brain scraped! Oh the fun of it all. I shall enjoy getting back to work - if they don't sack me for being belligerent that is.

I haven't heard this for a while

Whilst in a conversation with an old friend today - "Like pissing razor blades" was muted as an accurate description of one of the side effects.

Yep, I'll go along with that if you don't have some pain killers that is.