The Modern Way - Another "Friend" Gone

 Someone I loosely call a friend - you know, connected on Facebook and LinkedIn and so on and I worked quite closely with them around 20 years ago.  Today and not for the first time published a post on Facebook that was offensive and shoutey if there is such a word.  So un-friend and un-follow were required.  You see, it's like the bloke who rather than discuss climate change his first words were yelled into my face "You're a Climate Denier!!" and also decided to yell at me for my Brexit views.

This chap decided to call me (although he doesn't know this) a "racist" for being a member of a certain political party.  So he tarnished everyone of us with a blanket quite outrageous statement and you can't go around doing that and have no consequence for it.  I know, free speech and all that, but to blanket bomb people with this now, often overused and I suppose thereby meaningless statement surely shows the way that we have dumbed down society where yelled and thrown about libels are bandied around as facts or truths.

Anyway, I will never have to see or hear from him again which is good, he's turned into a right disgusting mouthpiece for vitriol and rudeness these past few years and if he thinks and acts like this his mind is already poisoned and yo don't need that in your life.  I've already been giving him 30 days rest at a time but this is enough.

Ah but what about free speech when you block someone I hear some ask?  Well I'm not stopping him from saying and posting what he wants, its up to him.  I am choosing not to read it which is totally up to me, his rights are not affected and my rights are not to hear stuff I don't want to which is fully exercising my rights too of course.

Thank Goodness That's Fixed!

 I'd turned off the mains water and the boiler and controls and our friendly Heating Engineer arrived quite late, it was dark and didn't need to drain down the system such is the configuration and the location of well sited stop cocks etc. It was the most awkward bit of plumbing you can imagine and his colleague also arrived to bring some tool they needed.

Bless him, the job was completed and they both left with the new gleaming copper work in place of the horrible stuff that was here before.  Hurrah.  The usual turning on the heating system and hot water and timers and programmers and we were away.  The taps and shower joyfully spitting away until the air had escaped the pipe work.  Invoice arrived this morning and duly paid straight away - for the sort of service they deliver it is only right that they should get their bill paid immediately.

There's that inevitable dampness around and the airing cupboard feels more like a sauna at the moment as the leaked water drys out from under the floor boards!  Lucky we found the leak I say.

So at least that is one thing off my mind although not entirely as it makes me concerned about the remainder of the pipework in the house and after the electric problem a few weeks back, that too.  

Anyway, we are fixed, we have hot water and heating and that's the thing really.  Good trades people are hard to find. 

A Day Without Water

 Yikes - that's some leak we have and I am just about to cut off the water to the house and hope our man can fix it.  What a pain but at least I found it early and at least it is fixable although it really is in the most difficult and awkward place imaginable. 

So a full drain down of the system is required and that will then allow the leak to be fixed.  It looks like a badly soldered joint to me that has overtime just allowed water to seep through and that's why there was a build up of yukky stuff (a technical term) around the pipe.  I have to say I thought that they had dealt with that when we had all the work done recently and at the beginning of the year.  Obviously not.

Anyway, a day without water beckons....  

It's All In Your Head

 It is, one of the strangest things is surely that your head conjures up all this stuff and makes things that don't exist look almost real.  I need to channel my inner Matrix at times to realise that lots of this stuff just doesn't exist other than as neurons rattling around in your head.  "Is that air you are breathing?" says Morpheus to Neo after he has exerted himself and is recovering from the effort.  

On some days I am aware enough to realise this and on others days, not so much.  It is easy to let ego and the pain body and subconscious run things until you become aware that it is that causing the pain and distraction.  Quite how you master yourself to control it, is something quite different.  With the constant victim-hood of the pain body, the insatiable appetite of the ego and the programmed actions of the subconscious it can be a battle in your head that whatever part controls keeping it all under control feels overwhelmed by and unable to.

At the moment it is keeping it all under control that is testing me.  The time of year is not helpful either.  Christmas was always a happy time but I haven't had a Christmas with my family for 14 years or so.  I have celebrated with my partner's family but it really isn't the same and it affects the way I think and act plus it is a dark time of year.  Not ling now until the shortest day and that trend starts to reverse.  

There is an urge to just walk away and drop all of the commitments that I have the business included for what do I have to prove and what does it matter?  The ego says give it a go and the pragmatist says let it go.  Both are possible.  I have decided to give it a three month go and if it doesn't happen then I can close it down and have done with it.  

Do I really need to do any of these things what is their purpose?  Why would you do it and what's the point? Add to this there is the procrastination, the over thinking and the self imposed stress and anxiety that manifests itself.  The paranoia that this ex business partner is "out to get me" doesn't help and applying a little logic to the situation settles down the internal strife and conflict that only really exists in my head.

So the battles rage in your mind as most of this stuff isn't real "pain" shall we call it?  In fact it is your very own body that conjures this stuff up and sets you down a path of pain, stress and anxiety.  It is what it is and there is the reality of it.  I beat myself up for not realising there was a leaking pipe.  The maintenance man was right there in that very room a few weeks ago and didn't notice it and so why should I?  Why am I worrying about it?  Because my head is telling me that it is my fault.  It isn't of course and so it is with many things that I come across.  

So what to do about it?  It's not some sort of revelation as I know this stuff.  I have to overcome the way my brain works and so actually having moments like this, catching myself in it's brain conflict, it's like an imaginary war inside my skull, it is a power game, brain politics and that's what is so curious about it.  This maelstrom of thoughts and scenario playing doesn't actually achieve anything these days (different when I was working I'd say).  I probably need to just start being more conscious again and make sure that I catch myself descending into the created imaginary situation constructed by my brain.  

How's Your Luck?

 I walked into the Airing Cupboard and there was a slightly musty yet humid smell in the air.  Looking down I found that the floorboards were looking damp and yes, of all things, we have a leak right on the bend of one of the pipes.  I'd say it was a small dry solder joint and it needs fixing (of course).  So my heating man is coming over shortly to assess it as my pictures were not of the greatest quality I have to say.  So that's how my luck is as I am still awaiting the bill for the new motor! 

I guess it is best to find this right now and get it sorted out but what a blooming nuisance!  I think it must have been leaking for sometime too by the looks of it but now it is flowing faster which means it is increasing the pinhole from whence it is emanating.

Typical!  Oh well, it could of course be worse, it could be somewhere where I couldn't see or sense it.

Oh No Super Flu

 So it's going to be named "Super Flu" now is it.  Perhaps my least favourite superhero! 

The NHS want people wearing masks again and yet there is, as I have written before and cited various papers etc no sane reason to do so.  Cloth masks just get damp and surgical masks have way too many gaps in them and cannot halt viruses.  If you wear a mask that stops viruses you need something more than something you can easily breathe in.  

I hope most people see this for what it is?  More state control, more ordering you about, telling you what you can and cannot do.  People who have no meaning to their loves ordering around others so they can feel good in the name of health - yea right!  

It is everywhere now, being told what you can and cannot do and being the sort of person who never took orders without a reason behind them, it really does annoy the hell out of me why anyone gives these people the time of day.  

Remember that masks were not a first line of defence either, they came about through pressure from public sector and civil servants.  There are a series of good books about all of this Dr. Ben Irvine and Laura Dodsworth are a few to open your eyes.  There are more too.  My own research and my own experience rang alarm bells along with the nudge techniques that were used and the heightening of alarm and fear by these leaders.  Disgusting behaviour and watching the crowds turn to sheep was not a great moment either was it?

I hope that at last the people will ignore all of this and do the right thing and take normal precautions.  I've not been anywhere but have a cold picked up somehow, these things are airborne and it's winter and no matter how much I look after myself it's bound to happen, masks or not.

Anyway, let's hope that some common sense is shown but you know, there's newspapers to be sold, headlines don't write themselves and if there isn't anything else to worry us about then this will have to do.

Cognitive Dissonance - Everywhere

 Cognitive dissonance is the mental stress or discomfort felt when holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes, or when your actions contradict your beliefs, creating an internal inconsistency that people are motivated to reduce. To relieve this unease, individuals often change their beliefs, justify their behaviour, downplay the conflict, or seek new information that supports their actions, even if it's irrational.

You see it everywhere these days along with blind pig ignorance, hypocrisy and outright lies.  The problem is that it is almost accepted behaviour these days.  Given actual facts the person denies those facts exist.  This morning someone was getting up on their high horse about where one of the political parties got some of their funding from and how they felt that was bad.  The interviewer asked them where their funding came from and they weren't sure but stated that it couldn't be as bad as this other parties' donor.  The interviewer then destroyed them with facts about a few of their less savoury donors.  But it mattered not, they charged on ignoring that and went on the attack on the other party.

In my days, if I'd have been challenged like that, I'd ask for the facts and time to look into them and then come back with an apology or a rebuttal for not all facts are equal shall we say.

Politicians, in the face of utter opposition from the electorate and being caught out that certain things were not in their Manifesto push on regardless not noticing the damage they are doing to their party, politics in general and their own reputations in particular.  They do not appear to see their own hypocrisy, dysfunction and lack of common sense when they open their mouths.  

I do wonder how much longer they can keep this up?  Already social media posts and TV clips are being found where these idiots were expressing diametrically opposite views to the ones they now espouse.  I, for one, am pretty fed up with it.  I despise them and will not watch them.  I have no idea how I would react if I met them other than telling them how loathed and despised they really are.

For all of my working life I had a no lie policy as it doesn't pay off at all.  If I was made to by management I would quickly get another job and did so.  The number of people I have seen lie to try and get out of a spot of bother only to be found out and make things substantially worse are too numerous to count.  Some even went behind my back to my customer to fix a problem that existed only to find that I had already spoken to them and agreed a course of action.  Customers may get angry that a problem has happened but if you tackle it head on and have a plan to sort it out generally things will be OK.  

These people do not live by my rules and almost everyone knows that they cannot be trusted to say the truth or they will say one thing and do the other.  They wonder why they have lost the public's respect when the answer is right in front of their faces!  

That's It, Sorted The Main Event - Now For Plan B

 So I finally got the sale to go through using a different browser and that's it now I think.  Everything arriving boxed up and ready to go for the Big Day.  A few presents yet to arrive a couple of cards to turn up today and I think I am there.  Then there's getting all of the cards out and after that I can turn to kick starting the App sales, if possible.  I don't see much movement from all the work I did in October but it was a static sales launch and I had all that madness from the bloke who threw his toys out of the pram and them blamed me for it and has fired a whole broadside of shots my way.

So the decision has to be to try and get this out there and see if it has any traction whatsoever.  That's not easy as you have to reach the right demographic with the right equipment and then they need to download it and like it so hard work.  After all these years though, I think that I should give it the opportunity and give it a shot.  I am going to go for three months to try and resolve it.  If I cannot, then I will shut it down as it isn't worth pursuing something that nobody wants.  I can only do my best and see where it gets to.  At least I  have placed a limit on it and we can live or die by that.  

I think that is only fair and if it fails well I don't spend my life (or the rest of it) pursuing it. 

Diet Notes & Other Strange Things

I have lost around 3 stone this year although I can see that halting and reversing for the next two or three weeks as Christmas hoves into view and the excesses of food and alcohol take their toll.

So back to diet notes.  On Monday and Tuesday morning we have breakfast (cooked English) together but for the remainder of the week I don't eat until I feel hungry so that tends to be anywhere after noon and even as late as 2 pm and have dinner around 7:30 pm missing out breakfast altogether which is part of this 5:2 regimen Lately though I find that I am not hungry at all on Monday and Tuesday mornings and struggle to eat a plateful of food.  I am going to have t cut down on the amount I eat on those days or just not eat at all like I do for the rest of the week.  

I find myself feeling satiated after half of my cooked breakfast which I guess is all part of the 5:2 diet.  When I do eat at other times I do so until I don't feel hungry and generally that is all I do eat.  It is quite strange not really wanting food until much later in the day but I am not feeling any strange affects and the loss of weight is the main benefit.  

I've just ordered a major shop that is all for Christmas and that is due Saturday which will provide the basis for a week or more of excess.  Having done that I went to another site that I use which is specifically nuts, dried fruit etc.  And blow me down, just as I go to checkout the online basket reset itself and all of my basket disappeared.  Really annoying I can tell you.  I had that with a major shop not long ago and it was yell out loud annoying.  I'm guessing it is my PC which is getting old and the cookie's resetting which have done it.  So I'd better get back to see if I can recover the situation.

Right In Your Face - How They Lie And Cheat

 We always knew it.  Politicians cheat and generally most of the stuff you hear on the News is manipulated and twisted to fit a narrative of some sort.  Let's take this morning's fear about Flu shall we.  It happens every year unless it was Covid when Flu never happened. In addition I have a feeling it was around 2018 we did have a lot of deaths from Flu and it pretty much surpassed the Covid deaths of a year or two later.  No one panicked then but, you know, look it up, it was all on reflection unnecessary and caused more harm than the lives it saved.

SO this morning they were concerned that there could be up to 10,000 cases requiring Hospitalization and it was a major concern to the Dr they wheeled out.  There are 145,000 to 165,000 beds in the NHS depending on who you ask.  Flu happens every year and yet it always comes as a surprise or a shock etc.  Why is that are our administrators and managers so utterly useless that they don't know this?  This was my sort of bread and butter at work, risk planing and mitigation it's what you did and what you were paid for.

Then there was some other nonsense during the week of placing illegal immigrants in the audience of Question Time to ask questions in Immigration well actually they are criminals as they came here without papers and crossed illegally so why on earth were they allowed to be with other people in a studio and asking questions that were designed and written for them?  But then it's the BBC and I only watch 2 or 3 programmes max on it now.  I've almost stopped watching any TV for this reason.  You can drive a bus through their arguments and the one sided reporting, once you see it and understand what is happening, is actually sickening and anger making.

Then there are our "politicians".  I am old enough to remember when I looked up to politicians and you could generally know which ones were the real deal and which ones were not.  Which ones were liars and which ones appeared to be playing a straight bat.  Today you'd be very bery very lucky to find one that even gave a 5% truthful answer.  There's seems no shame in lying all the time.  Giving out false data in an attempt to ram home a point. Getting away with behaviour that they themselves would demand a resignation for and doing it right in your face.  If they say one thing you can bet it is the diametric opposite of what they said.  Those who would call them out appear to be sidelined or silenced and it isn't just politicians either.  Heads of Quangos and Public Utilities get away with it too.

The level of hypocrisy is through the roof, the use of false and misleading "facts" is also a problem but then so is the level of the gullible Joe public.  If they aren't lying they are using bully tactics and riding roughshod over the will of the people and just "doing it anyway".  It's from the top down and yet no one is getting really angry about it and the media are reporting this stuff as if it is truth in their own quisling way.

Where is the anger and push back or are we letting them just run with the rope?  Often that is my preferred option in business, never interrupt an enemy when they are making a mistake is great to observe as they hoist themselves with their own petard so to speak.  

How long before these people are called out and swept away?  It's a bit Old Testament wanting them to be overwhelmed by the waters and swept off the face of the Earth but you probably get my overall feelings from that.  Let's hope people wake up, start to ask questions, do their own research, work out the facts and realise the pack of lies that they feed us non stop everyday so they can "rule us".  Surely it's time to say no and take back control?

Goodbye Sheep

 We have four large fields to the side and back of the house and they are occupied by Sheep between May (ish) and now.  Yesterday the Shepherd / Farmer came and got them and the Rams probably need to go lie down and recover and the Sheep will be in their Winter quarters.  Suddenly the passing of the day changes and you don't know what you've got until it's gone for sure.  The rhythm of life now changes and perhaps slows a little.  

Already the Pheasants are out and about more and Jackdaws, Magpies, Wood Pigeons and the occasional Fox are more noticeable.  The Kestrels and Buzzards are also out and about.  We do not have Squirrels or Rabbits near us although Squirrels are to be seen a couple of hundred yards away in the woods.  Occasionally we might see one but it is very rare possibly as there is little in the way of cover from predators.   

The fields are muddy and water trapped near the gate looks like a small pond now.  I imagine the dog walkers will feel empowered to let their dogs off of the leash which they really shouldn't, the Countryside Code was written about this.

During the year I had someone come and close all the gaps in the house - we had old pipe run holes, waste pipes here removed had been temporarily filled and the Air to one side of the house had not had an up-stand built.  So far this year I have a total of no Mice whatsoever in the traps, not one which is a record.  Normally around this time of year the little fellas get in and I unfortunately predate them with my traps.  One year we stopped counting at 40 - yes forty of the little guys had got into the house and made their way into the Kitchen where there would be food and where the traps are set.  Yes, I did feel bad about it and I use proper traps as the "humane" ones appear to me to be anything but and where would I release them they say 1 to 2 miles away but then they are in unfamiliar territory and you stress them out.  

You are also not meant to relocate animals anyway and you sort of condemn them to a slower death than just using the trap.  Anyway - the good news really is that his year the predation is at zero which I am very pleased about and hopefully means that they are all happily living in the garden and fields rather than trying to live in my Kitchen! 

The Blue Tits have not managed to get into the house again either, goodness knows how three of the quite beautiful little miracles of nature  got in is a mystery.  Getting them out is reasonably easy but at least they aren't in here now although one is pecking at my window as I write this.

We Have Forgotten Who We Are

 I am old enough to remember that despite the troubles of the 1970s and 1980s when London could be dangerous with bombings and the like, the people were generally law abiding citizens and you didn't seem to get the anger and dare I say it, self entitlement that you do these days.

Rose tinted glasses perhaps?  I liked London for all the reasons a young hot blooded youth would.  Live music, drinking (not so much restaurants) later on the theatre but you could have a good time and generally not have any trouble or problems, travel was easy and getting there and back wasn't a problem plus I had the stamina of youth - I probably didn't need to sleep for a month (no not really).  I could do a day's work then meet some friends go to various places to see a band have a beer and then get the second to last train home and be up two or three hours later on my way to work again.  I was only limited by the amount of money I had and we were paid weekly back in those days and in cash!

Today I look at the deceitful politicians and the way people treat each other and it really is quite different.  I'd go and see my grandparents and they were obviously from a generation that had lived through the war as adults, my parents had as children and there was I with my long hair and flared trousers, platform shoes and the next generation but we had manners and let people on and off the trains before us and would help someone with a pram or shopping up and down stairs or escalators, we'd use words like please and thank you and mean it, hold doors open and offer your seat to people.  Courteousness and civility, they seem to disappear with people's self entitlement.

I always smile, say please and thank you and when on the phone I will never use bad language or be nasty to a phone operator as they have a hard enough job as it is.  Always get their name and use it when talking to them and always than them for their help.  It costs very little to make other people feel better about themselves, to perhaps slightly brighten their day but also, they've helped you out too.  

The lies and deceit of people, the in your face hypocrisy - just look at the behaviour of the BBC for example and the number of people entitled to tell YOU what to do.  These are thick illiterate bastards as far as I am concerned and those are the people I am beginning to hate.  Thinking of my career (my first one) I had to go to college for three years to get my qualifications all the while working on site.  If I did something wrong I could kill someone so that's why it is important.  After many years I was promoted and then, and only then, could I tell (I actually ask normally) someone what to do.  I had the experiences, skills, practical background and qualifications to do so.

Today, look at the dross the reel out to tell you what to do.  Politicians who have never had a real job and have existed in the system from leaving University.  Councillor, lobbyist then a local MP and what do they bring to the benefit of their constituents?  That's right, sweet Fanny Adams.  They are a bunch of pathetic, entitled no nothing naive fools and that's insulting fools!  What gives them the right to be as utterly stupid as to think they can pontificate on any subject is beyond me.  I'd rather trust Wikipedia or the Guardian than one of these low life smug gits.

It doesn't stop their either does it?  Football pundits who know exactly what is going on is Israel or the Middle East and telling us which way to vote and what we should be thinking and actors, yes actors, those who's whole life is pretending to be other people demonstrating their financial (in) competence and explaining why socialism and communism are good things all the while sipping their Campari and Soda from their multi-million pound villa in Jean-Les-Pains.  All the while the gullible drink it all in, bloat on reality TV and Soap Operas and pick up all the bad habits of selfishness, greed, excess and gluttony and think it is how to behave.

Roll on the day when the Electricity system falls apart from mindless green stupidity and we no longer have to watch TV, look at our phones and tablets and emerge blinking into the sunlight and talk to each other, be nice to one another and go back to having real lives.  Maybe we will reawaken that greatness and pride we once had without being called racist which everything is these days or some other slur like denier words used when you cannot discuss things and want to stop the conversation.  

Filing And Shredding - Getting There

 It's quite a process but I am getting there.  Four large dustbin bags full of shredded paper and a fifth under way and space in the office where there was none before.  Small steps and achievements.  It was a little sad to see the old company stuff go but go it had to, it was 15 years old and you no longer need to keep those records and other records, over seven years, have also been shredded. I thought it would bring back memories but not so much.

What was funny was to find my 1976 diary where I did band practice in Hammersmith with Dave catching the 88 bus and getting home really late.  We had interesting times and he said that he thought I played guitar well.  Also in there was a note about Dora.  Now Dora was a young Turkish lady who worked for another company but was on block release at the same College I was at and we got chatting and used to hang around together at lunchtime etc.  All I recall about it was that I suggested meeting up but it appears that I got her phone number now this is highly unusual for me as I was the absolute worst at asking such things of young ladies.  It must have been some achievement as it made it into the diary but as all things when you are young, we lived a long way away and I got transferred to another college a lot nearer me and so it wasn't to be.  She was really nice too and a woman in a man's world of Electrical Engineering.   The diray also mentions the Moorgate Tube Disaster which a few of the lads from my year were on, mercifully they were not badly hurt

So my diaries have survived now I suppose I need to decide what to do with them.  They tell an interesting tale for me of what I was up to.  There is also a bit about my friend (who I have recently reconnected with) Penny who was at the Royal London training to be a Nurse.  She is now in New Zealand.  I have no idea if she knew how much I really felt about her but as I was often in and around her area, we used to hang out together, platonic friendships I guess, I don't know, may not be all that platonic :-) 

Another full on attack on the paper and filing today and hopefully Ill get somewhere near organised.

The other thing that flew through my mind was this bloke who's being an arsehole is that whilst there's been a lot of what he is going to do and legal action etc., the bottom line is that he really hasn't been involved in the company in well over a year and indeed he never was.   His actions, and his alone, are the cause of all his nonsense and if he did take it to some sort of legal action, there would be some eyebrows raised as I offered arbitration and it was flat out refused and in the same breath there is the classic denial that he ever was part of the business.  Surprised he wasn't dissuaded from using that as what is it all about if he wasn't?  Yes - there's sufficient amounts of contradiction in place that it will be looked on as vexatious and the use of ad hominem attacks will be looked at poorly.

So that in a way assists me in my thinking about whether to continue with the business or not as I am reviewing that now.  It is difficult as the App is now on its second version and looks great and so what do I do, take the easy way out and shut it all down or do I run with it in the short term and see where it goes?  The battle in my head continues but at least there is space for me to operate in the office now! 

Driving In The Dark & Wet

 The M25 is hairy at the best of times but it was coming off the Motorway that the "fun" started.  Quite what takes over people's minds to drive so fast and carelessly in the wet and not to consider standing water and aquaplaning I have no idea.  Van driver cam up the hard shoulder and undertook us going across two lanes on the roundabout and so cutting right in front of me and you could see the rear was sliding.  He held it together but fish tailed away in front of me and then to cap that I had the guy come over from my right to then cut in front of me - it's two lanes people so the van made his own lane and matey boy - God knows what he was thinking.

I am by nature a defensive driver, having driven 30 to 40,000 miles a year when I was working in the 70s, 80s and 90s and so you tend to work out what is happening and treat absolutely every other driver as a full blown idiot.  You just know that again, like last night in all the spray and rain people move lane with not indication, cut in front of you or come speeding up to the rear of your car.  The behaviour is mitigate in some way by the power of braking systems etc.  Talking of which auto and electric drivers - stop touching your brakes when driving at 70 mph! 

Anyway, it was one of those terrible rainy, spraying nights, hidden puddles and idiot drivers.  I was glad to get back home.  I do like my AWD car though as it certainly assists in driving conditions like yesterday.

Advent - Here We Go

 Again.  Yes here we go towards Christmas and it feels very different this year.  I am being very careful with my money as I do not know quite how much this new pump will have cost me yet and so where I'd normally buy a bit more than I probably should this year I have bought a bit less.  

In many ways I am still not quite right either in my head and subsequently, that sort of makes you feel physically fatigued too.  I do feel mentally and physically drained and it's all been too much this year.  Whilst Christmas is often time for a great reset (that doesn't last much beyond mid January to be fair) I actually do need to do something about it all.  I launched the new version of the App this morning but I haven't told anyone (other than the Developer) and I really haven't fully decided what to do about the business.  My heart has gone out of it with all the threats and brickbat throwing of the divorced "partner" in the business.  

I wouldn't normally kowtow to bullys but this has gone a little too far to be comfortable and it makes me ill just thinking about it.  The crazy thing is that I know, in a straight argument, it would be laughed out of court but who wants that to go that far anyway?  His arguments are preposterous and his attempt to remove me from my position was also interesting in the fact that he even thinks he is justified in doing it.  A narcissistic egotistical act.  As I am not dealing with a business person or rational actor it makes things edgy I suppose?  If the business had some income and some money behind it then we could engage a solicitor and make this all go away.  We don't so it hasn't.

Anyway, that decision is hovering between just giving it all up or running with it and seeing where it takes us.  

So a month of pretending that this is all jolly and fun coming up.  Will I get into the Christmas Spirit?  Who knows. Right now, not so much.  Perhaps in a week or two I might feel a bit better about myself, the business and my situation?  Maybe.    

Stuff - Not Working

 What a week.  So now my VHS to DVD converter has stopped working - I did think it was possible after I did someone's VHS tapes that disintegrated and when I opened up the unit I had a fair amount of cleaning to do but still it isn't working properly and so I have a choice to either throw it out or give it away or perhaps contact the chap who fixed my TV when the back-light went a year or two ago.

I seems that many bits of equipment just don't last like they used to.  Added to the problems with the Pump and Immersion heater earlier on, it's another thing to go wrong!  And of course, more money and money I wasn't expecting (with the pump) and so I am being a bit cautious about Christmas as I took money out for that but it has been eaten (or I think it will as I haven't got the bill yet) through unexpected expenses.

Whilst I've paid for some stuff already, the credit card could seriously melt down in the next week or two dependent on the overall costs coming in!

Oh well, it's only money as I am often heard to state.  The new version of the App is ready to rock and roll and will go live tomorrow and then I need to decide what I am going to do in terms of running or closing the business.  Even after all this time, I am not too sure what to do.  I am still in two minds as in many ways, walking away and closing it all down is the easiest option.  No pressure, no more sleepless nights, no idiot writing to me and annoying me etc.  However, the new version of the App does look much better when compared to its predecessor and who knows now it has the correct age limit on it, we could get some downloads.  Yes, difficult decisions to be made.  

Oh well, it's Sunday and I think I will just go and rest up for the remainder of the day.  I've spent too ling on the VCR and perhaps it is for the best that it goes - it is not as though I have any further use of it, other than as a DVD player! 

We The Willing Led By The Unknowing

 "We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything, with nothing". Attributed to Konstantin Josef Jireček, it is likely a modern adaptation and does not appear in his documented works.  I've seen it attributed to lots of different people so let's just go with this one for now.

Following the Chancellor's budget where just about everyone was made or are about to be made poorer I reflect on whether it is worth continuing the business?  I guess that I wouldn't expect to see profits for a good few years and so, perhaps, it is academic but they've already shown scant regard for the people or for businesses and so it could and is likely to get worse.  It's Socialism and they always spend lots of other people's money.

It's a day or two after the Budget and the US has been on Thanksgiving and so who knows what they'll make of it?  The debt spiral isn't averted and the ever hungry public sector is perhaps the real Black Hole that they imagine is giving us problems.  "And do tell me Chancellor, is this "black hole" in the room with us now?"  

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by all of this, the politics of envy has always been thus and those that voted for the Labour Party from historic reasons of "We've always voted Labour in this family/town etc" or from some sort of protest vote have found out what we knew all along.  High Taxes, lies, broken promises and failure to tackle the areas that need it and dodge the Frog Eating that is required of brave government and ministers - they don't exist anymore and they look after themselves and their fellow trough eaters rather than those they are supposed to serve.  

Things that have always failed in the past are repeated as if they will miraculously succeed this time.  When I worked in Code Red situations it was always the lack of leadership, loss of project or financial control that appeared to blame (along with other mitigation stuff not implemented or thought about more likely).  The one we see quite often is the spreadsheet project manager.  Example:

It takes 500 men to build a road in 6 months - so it could be done with 3,000 in a month.  Or we could get 9 women to have a baby in a month and so on.  There are specific reasons that this cannot happen - biological in the latter case but in the former, you'd have too many people all together at once you cannot tarmac the road without the foundations and earth works having happened and there's the supervision and everyone getting in each others way.  Not if you are the labour government.  They can magic money and throw it at a problem and because of the woeful non business class politicians and civil servants the money may just as well be set on fire for all the good it will do.

Another example and one I have tackled a number of times is paying overtime to catch up or get a job done.  Overtime was never priced into a job (or you wouldn't have won it) and so when you start paying one and a half or double the rate to get the same amount of work done you very quickly have a problem that you burn through your money and the job still isn't getting done faster or better as there's a sort of Laffer Curve with productivity and hours worked too - especially when people are working more than 40 hours a week and are beginning to get fatigued.  The simplest mathematical calculations would demonstrate this but the trap is to fail to see that you are paying extra money for the same amount of work and the more you do that the quicker you run out of money.

Let's see what the markets make of it.  From a business perspective, it disincentives me wanting to build it as they have increased taxes on success - the better I do the more money they take from me in stealth taxes.  Is it worth it?  No matter how elegant and leading edge my product is, the risks I have taken and the real struggle to get it to market you sometimes wonder "Why do I bother at all?" 

Best Of Intentions - Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

That sort of day.  I was going to be doing some filing but my brother called me up to say that our Mother's DNA test results were in and as mine were in a few days ago, I have been distracted seeing the results and connections.  What is nice, is that it has closed down a bit of hearsay about one relative, confirmed another connection and just 18,000 + other connections.  I can see some of the names jumping off the page at me and of course it has been a total distraction from what I was meant to be doing.

I guess the filing will have to wait once again as I get dragged deeper and deeper into the family tree and connections.  At least I will have something to say for my yearly newsletter!

It it's possible I have also managed to spend way too much money on things today getting an early start for Christmas and taking advantage of discounts on various sites with Black Friday offers.  Using "The more you spend the more you save" as a by word I have at least managed to get my Christmas beer supply in.  I don't have anywhere to store it at the moment so I need to get on and make some more room over and above that I have already made.

Well, I'd better get back before something else distracts me!

Ooh Look, A Squirrel!

Are We Nearly There Yet?

No not yet. I'm still getting little things done and have made some room this week clearing away loose paperwork and the like getting rid of a large box of books and CDs so far and I have dispatched my family history journals off to someone who will appreciate them.  I'm pleased about that.

The App has been updated and submitted for approval and hopefully this will settle down a few minor bugs and set the age range correctly which was a problem as it looked as if it was for 17+ only  not 4+ that we designed it for.  One misunderstood check box will do that to you! 

And then there is whether I wish to continue to run the business or not.  Given Rachel Reeves shite budget it doesn't look as if it would be worth it really as they'd just thieve more of the profits and like everyone else take no part in the risks of the business only trousering the money from its success!  

So serious thought needs to be applied to this I think still.  I'm not nearly there yet either.  The new version looks great and the main problem is getting people to find it and download it.  So I also need to look at effort versus achievement and so on.  Will putting a lot of effort in actually deliver anything.  All the time there's the bloke throwing bricks and so I need to do the right thing for myself and for the business.  It's removing the emotion from the decision that is difficult.  

Whether I invest a little bit more effort into the business is the decision that I need to crack.  Having put in 9 years so far another few months probably isn't going to matter much but can I be bothered and will I still feel as depressed as I do now?  The causes of that aren't all to do with the business either.  It's going to be difficult to work this one out because it isn't a simple spreadsheet-able solution!  It would be good if it was.

The Art Of Percolation

 I used to love our Percolator.  My parent's had one which happily glugged away ready for our strong after dinner coffee and I bought one when I moved out from a jumble sale that lasted a good 20 years until I got a Mocca Pot and a Filter coffee machine.

But of course I am not really talking coffee here but rather the slow percolation of thoughts and ideas as whilst I do have Eureka! moments I think they are actually the result of much thinking and brewing of ideas getting stronger as they percolate through my grey cells.

It's a bit like where I am now in my deliberations about whether to continue the business or not.  Ideas are forming and slowly coming together.  The finished article isn't honed yet, it or they more likely, haven't had time to fully form and become whole.  I have spent a good month thinking and planning and getting the stuff out of my head and on to paper but that isn't good enough this time because to continue requires an element of commitment that I am not sure I want to put in only for this evil old man to continue lobbing bricks at me from the 'safety' of his solicitors but somehow, I cannot see these are their letters, rather his printed on their paper as some of it doesn't read or appear right to me and to spell his name incorrectly a number of times and to badly format the points seems as if it is just a top and tailing exercise to me.  So do I want the arse ache?  Can I be bothered?

Of course the other side of me says "Give it a go" as you won't know unless you do.  There are benefits and disadvantages to it all and one of these is whether I have the courage of my convictions which have been somewhat eroded by his constant attacks on me.  

Are you doing it for the right reasons? Is it now me that wants some sort of revenge by not taking it any further?  So that's why my mind is in turmoil and there's the commitment and reward (if any) as well.  Back to the percolator and back to letting the ideas brew a bit further I guess.   We will get there in the end I have no doubt.  

Urgh This House! Honestly How Many Bodges

 The house has so many bodged bits of work and the previous owner was a Joiner but I doubt that.  The wood working in here is not finished off well, there are gaps and rough edges, nails protrude which I have sorted out and so on.  The old kitchen fell apart and I've had the boiler and high pressure tank replaced.  The pump decided not to work the other day and so as it was maintenance time anyway, I asked for it to be replaced which has duly been done but then the engineer wanted to show me something.  There was no power to the socket where the timer was and I hadn't checked that myself, I had done all the usual checks with fuses, checked the time switch worked elsewhere and it did so surmised that the pump was gone.  Oh dear, no it wasn't but too late the pump is now replaced.  The bad news was that the cable behind the socket was all burnt up and then we found it was attached to the Immersion Heater.  That had been used some years ago when the old boiler broke down and it wasn't wired correctly and had melted the cables and the MCB had gone which I hadn't noticed.  So we have had to alter the wiring and disconnect the Immersion.

So once again, there's a problem that hadn't been picked up and once again it's a bodge and a bloody dangerous one at that.  The cable was the wrong size and was run off of the socket which again is a big no no!  FFS if it wasn't protected by the MCB we could have had a burn and that wouldn't have been good now!  At least we know and at least we have a new pump anyway.  The water is back up to pressure which is great too.

A nice chap doing the work and everything is now serviced and maintained for another year!  

Just anther bodge cost to be added to the rest of the bodges!

Do The Right Thing Or Do The Easiest?

 We had a motto at one of the businesses I worked at which was "Do the right thing!" of course it was misinterpreted and misused but the idea was sound and in reality it did mean exactly that, you did the right thing for the customer and not for yourself - it probably wasn't explained that way hence the confusion and misuse.

Faced with my current thought problem I am wondering whether the right thing is in fact the easiest thing?  Just to walk away and shut it all down is very appealing as that's it, you do exactly that and walk away.  Sure someone might complain but so what.  It's the Budget tomorrow and so we all might do that LOL. Alternatively I can push ahead say for 3 months and reevaluate things and then continue or walkaway.  Such is the nature of this business that it is either going to fly or die and so it will become apparent quite soon I would imagine.

I like the idea of walking away altogether and shutting it down as that concludes the journey in its entirety. I can throw all the stuff into storage (7 years) and then that's it.  Of course then you wonder whether it might have flown or not so the balance I am having at the moment is whether to give it a three month push and see where we are or just shut it all down and have done with it.  Ego says the former, heart says the latter and so I need to spend a bit more time evaluating it and deciding what to do.

There's an element of time versus risk versus reward and that to me is the equation that needs to be solved somehow. After tomorrow there may be an element of is it financially worth it too.  This government has no understanding of business, motivation and reward and the harder you work it appears the more they punish you and so the decision may be made for me if they punish entrepreneurs further than they already have.  It may not be worth working hard if all they do is punish you more for doing so.  They don't see it that way because they are driven by ideology and cannot see the damage they inflict on others in pursuit of their Utopian ideals. 

Are You Doing Something For The Right Reason?

 I pitch this now as I am in my inner head state looking at what to do next and it occurred to me that when I fully evaluate what I am going to do next I really need to concentrate on whether (or not) I am making the decision for the right reason.

By right I mean that I, for example, am harbouring not great thoughts about the bloke who has been attacking me since he made the decision to unilaterally withdraw from the business saying he wanted nothing more to do with it financially or manually.  So am I doing it (not decided yet) to get back at him? Show him (me) I was right all along.  If I shut it all down who am I doing that for and so on?

I am going to now work on this aspect.  I've done the work life balance which was very bad indeed and the Wheel or Life exercise scored bad in every element.  That's not good and points to other things that need to be reviewed and tackled - I know some of those but it isn't a good start.

Then there are financial and time constraints and the impact on my personal life (albeit the above exercise points to me not having one LOL).  

Intuitively I think I know what I really ought to do but the nag is that it probably isn't what you should do and will there be regrets etc.  Before this all kicked off and I was left holding the baby so to speak, I had a clear idea of what needed to be done and how to do it.

Simply, if I close the business down it all goes away no matter what he says or does the business will no longer exist.  If I continue he is likely to be a bad actor.  In many ways this is just a side worry to the rest of it.

I do need to make sure the decision I eventually come to isn't based on some ego remnant - it needs to be clearly based on facts and data and not how I was "feeling" when I made it :-) Easier said than done as after all he has done to me in the past year, even though it worked out in the end in my favour eventually, I find it hard to forgive or forget that he railed against me the way he did because of (potentially) hurty words and hurty feelings! FFS.

The New Super Power. Gormless

 Ahead of this week's Budget you have to wonder about the suitability of the current government.  A complaint about speculation on its contents slamming the MSM and yet they have been leaking like a sieve and flying kites all over the place.  It's as if they don't know what they are doing. Wait, correction, they definitely do not know what they are doing.

They really are acting out the sort of playground insults from pre-pubescent children and throwing around insults and coming up with schemes that are stupid, wrong for the current situation and based on ideology and certainly not sound economic principles.

On Wednesday we will know what they are going to do, or attempt to do.  Right now, it all looks self destructive and doomed to failure.  There just doesn't appear to be any grown ups in the room at all.  So out of touch are they that they cannot see how despised they are and how this version of socialism should stay as a text book postulation for surely everyone can see that if you increase and continue to increase spending but do not have sufficient income to cover that let alone the huge debt burden that it isn't going to work out well? 

Margaret Thatcher made a remark in a 1976 television interview for Thames TV's This Week, where she stated: "...and Socialist governments traditionally do make a financial mess. They [socialists] always run out of other people's money". 

Well here we go and so far all I can see is a series of "get rich" schemes being floated out there but, of course, if there isn't the money out there in Tax Payer world then it's not going to happen.  Spreadsheets are notoriously bad at this, they show a linear increase in income from taxation and ignore human behaviour.  When you see the money being taken from you and given to someone else and generally wasted it changes your behaviour.  I am sure that those who are self employed will find ways to avoid some of the draconian impositions on them now being imposed.  

They don't know what it is like to run your own business and now heap extra paperwork on them - quarterly tax returns as an example.  When IR35 came in under the last socialist government (and the Tories didn't take it away even though they said they would) I just changed the way that the business worked.  Resulting in taking on less work at increased costs and creating more leisure time and paying less taxes at the same time.  Dropping below the tax thresholds too and so I did the minimum I needed to do and whilst I didn't get a full year's work, I did just enough to keep me happy and pay the tax man what was due on that work.  Why work harder and longer to fill in more forms and pay out a greater % to the government who risked nothing? 

If you've run businesses you know that you must incentivise your people with reasonable and achievable goals that add to their pockets and their self worth.  If you don't you drive different behaviours that detract from the overall goal and do the opposite.  Penalising people for their success is not how you do it.  Why should I work harder to give that to someone else who hasn't worked at all for it?  Give it to faceless bureaucrats who waste it and I know plenty about that having watched these people at work.  

Anyway, the car crash will be arriving on Wednesday and we will see what level of stupid we will get.  The damage done last year is coming home now as it works its way through the system.  You could say the damage is done already but it feels like this is a doubling down and I'm not sure that the majority of people are going to be quiet about it.   

Breakfast With A Friend Resetting Your Thoughts

 So a breakfast yesterday with my friend, fellow cancer survivor and all around good guy was interesting.  I wasn't as bad as I was last time I saw him and it was fortuitous as I needed him to sign my LPA so that was good.

We share many common things, music although not the same sort of music exactly, we've worked together and seem to have worked with some of the worst "managers" in the world.  Business wise we developed a business many years ago that was a real journey.

I always come away reset, refreshed and with new thoughts and ideas.  That's great in many ways I think.  I am setting about cleaning my office out and just throwing stuff away.  I never really use these books and CDs and notebooks and so they can just go.  I am trying to make sure as much gets recycled as possible and so I am just checking everything and if people want them, they can have them (books and CDs that is).  They aren't worth anything these days and as more people stream music the less CDs are used.  There is happily a charity that will come and collect such items and so I am going to get in touch with them and arrange a collection.

I then realised that I no longer do two things I used to do (three if you count that I rarely watch TV these days too).  I do not read as much as I used to and I do not listen to my music as much as I used to either.  As for TV I watch on Monday nights as there are two programmes I enjoy 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge' and that's about it.  If there is Rugby or Formula 1 then I will watch those on TV or if not on YouTube.  It just doesn't interest me but then that's been the whole year or two really.  All these things I used to do, I no longer do. 

I feel there's a shift here but I cannot work out quite what that might be.  I've been up and down a lot and the business isn't really helping and in fact I am still undecided on whether to actually make a go of it or not.  I cannot make my mind up whether it would be best to just shit it down, give it a go under strict exit criteria or something else (I have no idea what that might be).

So something has shifted that has distanced me from the things I used to enjoy towards a more inwardly reflective introverted style of living and that probably needs some analysing as to why I have steered away from my usual to this quite solitary hermit like state?  

Getting Through The Paperwork

 I write a lot on here but in reality I write far more on my writing pads than I do on here.  I have just found and shredded my writing pads from 15 years back - when things were changing a lot in my life and I was trying to work out what to do next.  I haven't read them only glanced at them and just shredded them as they are meaningless now.  There's hours of thoughts and ideas written onto paper which is how I discuss ideas with myself!

I write a lot and work through ideas and problems using pen and paper, mainly text although I see a few sketches I did which certainly needed to be shredded!   It's all about making sense of the stuff that floats around in my head.  As an INTJ it goes with how my mind works and how I analyse things.  It's why I was ideal for highly technical tasks when I was younger as I could work my way through huge documents and diagrams and work out how things worked and where there were problems.  There was another guy who was also similar to me and he was way faster than I was at seeing problems in wiring diagrams.  I'd probably see them but would validate before noting, he could just use a red pen and circle things that "didn't look right" 

The stuff that I have now shredded and made room in my office include three files of family history notes now scanned and stored safely, three work notebooks and general odds and sods paperwork lying around.  I am hopeful that I can work out what to do with my lovely business books.  I doubt I will ever use them so perhaps sell what I can and those that aren't of any use I can take to a place where they recycle books.  You can find most things online these days and with AI to help you can focus in on specifics if you so desire.

Difficult Decisions - Why Are They So.....

 Well, difficult!  I am taking a break from the business after all the recent nastiness and I am tackling things I should have done years ago!  Yesterday was to scan and then to shred all of the single record records I have kept in a file and never looked at past the original work I did on each of them.  That's one file done and hundreds of records now safely saved in the family history archives.  

Today my new shredder arrives and I can really get to tidying up years and years worth of information that I no longer look up, read or need.  If it might be important it can get scanned and then shredded.

Other documents and books can be given away to worthy causes.  I have boxes of journals that can go and I need to just release my hold on these now worthless things.

The business decision is not going to be easy.  Do I run with the business after all this time or do I just shut it down?  I am not sure because one requires me to undertake a load more work and one means I can just walk away!  I am struggling with this still because it's the end of one journey and the start of another or it really is a terminal event but I get my life and time back.  That too is attractive.

I will carry on reviewing this nut not for too much longer as I need to make a decision and it is hard because both options have merit and there is a third part way option I guess but it still involves working.  I'm meant to be retired and yet here I am working out about running this business with this interference from someone who "Does not want to be involved in the business ever again!"  yet throws bricks in from the side.  Hopefully not many more but why bother with it all?

And Let That Be An End Of It

 Another solicitor's letter but this time, as always pretty full of what I should and shouldn't do, it sort of draws a line under things and leaves stuff hanging in the air a bit like a bully saying "And let that be a lesson to you!" after nothing has actually happened.  It throws accusatory stuff but doesn't actually do anything about them because it's wrong but hey ho.

As usual it shakes you up even though you were expecting it but after 5 minutes this time I just treated it for what it is and it can be filled between toilet paper in the file.  It ends with a short of "I'm keeping an eye on you" but so what?

It now makes me need to work out what I am going to do with the business.  Run it forward or shut it down.  I am still deciding and this has just made me wonder a little more about whether it is worth it?  I think that I should "give it a go" as I can easily shut it down if it doesn't get anywhere and I haven't gone out of my way to sell it so far.  I'm a bit surprised that no one (apart from a handful) have downloaded it but that's now my "problem to solve" I guess?

Two parts to the argument run it or close it.  If I close it then I can walk away and be retired.  It would make sense too, no more hassle and whilst this bloke might moan, there will be no one to moan at.  If I run it then he may well keep sticking his oar in but there is a way to deal with that now and if successful then that too goes away.  Decisions, decisions.  I don't have to rush to do this either.

In other news, the first file has been scanned and the papers shredded which is great.  Another file can be started later.  That probably just needs shredding though.  Gradually we are going to get there.  Gradually but it isn't going to happen quickly but that's one thing down so progress.  

Milestones or Millstones?

 Having procrastinated for too long on getting things done I now find that I am at the tipping point in terms of where I am given the pretty horrible 6 months to a year I've had.  Getting the heating sorted in the house is one thing I can get off the list next week when everything gets serviced, the circulating pump gets replaced (or repaired) and we can draw a line under that for another year - it was a year ago that I ended up paying for the new tank which was the price of a small second hand car!

Now I have finished my meetings for the year - the journey wasn't too bad as they have temporary traffic lights there now not a full closure and I was diverted that way as my short cut was also closed, I can not be distracted by such things and I intend to get on with a number of little tasks intended to give me small step victories along the way.

So today I will tidy up my desk, papers and files in short achievable bursts.  There is so much paperwork that I have had to keep (7 year rule) that I can now dispose of and I probably need to get a more industrial shredder as I am not certain my budget one will last the course.  So much stuff to get rid of - boxes of stuff.  BUT only a bit at a time in short manageable chucks.

If I can just get a few bits done I will start to make progress and that's important rather than recoiling at the scale of the problems - Elephant Eating as we used to call it.  You cannot eat an Elephant in one sitting but you can eat a whole Elephant one bit at a time!

Relax For A Moment

 It is difficult to relax when you earnestly think that you need to be doing things or that I should be active and it really is strange when you realise that, actually, you don't need to be doing something, just sitting here is OK, it's not a sin to spend a little me time and not be involved in some task or other.

I checked the repaired chair and glued it up a little bit more and spent a little time just working out what I need to do.  Today is dustbin (recycling) day and I can do the bins etc shortly and then get ready to go out to a meeting - the only problem with that being the ridiculous roadworks and the lack of thought about shutting off two roads together.  It should be finished by the time I come home but I just have to do a large circular diversion to get there.  A Lodge meeting invited by my friend who gets his 30 years certificate tonight and he informs me is doing some work too.  Nice, a meeting and a meal with good company.

I can get back to doing things tomorrow.  Sorting out the office is first on the list as there is so much old paperwork to go through and then to scan and I think just throw it all out - most of it hasn't been looked at for 7 or 10 years and if I need a copy I can scan it to my Server and find it that way.  I need to make space anyway as I have so much accumulated stuff from the businesses that I don't use - I had these all those years ago and I haven't missed them so they can be disposed of hopefully the books can go to a good home.  My law books (how I could have done with those earlier this year) can possibly go to someone who will need them more than I do now.

So many bits and pieces that I must decide what to do with and dispose of them - if they aren't used then what's the use of them?

For now, I just need to relax and chill then decide what to do next and how to go about that.  Just working for the sake of being busy isn't actually achieving anything and so I just need to be smart and effective, work through the odds and ends but not have to be actively busy all the time.  I think the "Does it really matter" phrase has worked and these things don't matter - it doesn't need to happen right now for it to happen and it doesn't all need to be done at once either.

Fixing Stuff

 Chair fixed with dowels and glue - hopefully this gets it fixed once and for all!  I've spoken to the Heating Engineer and they will come next week to service the boiler, the megaflow and to sort out a new pump!  More money but I knew I'd have to get it done yearly anyway.

What else?  I am keeping my eyes open for the roadworks for tomorrow.  They've shut off one of the main roads around here and it's been shut for at least two months whilst they do some utilities works.  The detour is a bit of an out of the way thing but there is another route that I can use to go through the back lanes and guess what?  Yes, they have just shut that route too so I will probably have to go the very long way around to get there too!  Oh well, it should be open on the way back and might be finished early - we shall have to check it out.  Who plans these things?  They obviously aren't local and the number of times you drive around this area and roads are closed and the diversions mean.... absolutely nothing as they don't tell you what you are meant to be diverting around.

Apart from that I think I have repaired most of the things that are broken and I have just received my super glue so we can din the ornament I dislodged from where it was balanced! You can't make it up.

A few more things to sort out and I can work out how to dispose of a box full of books of mine that have turned up. I doubt I will use them that's for sure as they were all to do with my consulting days - I think my law books might be in there. I could have done with those earlier this year of course.  Hey ho!  

How Many Things Can Go Wrong At Once?

 How about 4 things all at once!  The chair I repaired with glue that could hold anything together failed! So that now needs dowels to really fix it.  Ordered arriving tomorrow!  Water pump timer - they don't last long and sure enough 18 months in and it needed to be changed.  I bought two (and now ordered two more) as they don't seem to make water pump timers that can withstand the inductive load of switching on and off.  So that is done.  

A new outside light but it is so cold outside I need to go find my gloves and a coat to fit it.  I'd forgotten that I had ordered two PIR and only one arrived and I forgot to reorder or sort that out.

The gate (once again) needs sorting out - that's heavy duty mechanical stuff so I need to work on that when the wind isn't blowing and I can get some big wrenches and spanners to adjust the brackets.

I broke the model rabbit which for some unknown reason was placed near the light switch so when you reach around to turn the lights on you launch the ornament into oblivion.  Superglue is on order too!  I hate the way people put things close to the edge of shelves and so on - being Health & Safety trained it drives me nuts to see it.  Of course it was my fault!  

So that's enough for one day - I just need to get on with the outside light in a moment when I find something warm to wear :-)  

It Slowly Dawned On Me Last Night

I was watching the Snooker and had a few beers and as I am want to do, I nearly always have a notepad and pen with me.  I was going through a slightly different exercise to the Wheel of Life and just wrote down a couple of lines.

This was along the lines of "What do you want to do?" then the "Do you have to do it?" "What if you didn't do it?" and then the Eureka line which was "So what?  Does ANY of it actually matter?" And, of course, it doesn't matter at all, none of it does.

I had been playing with the Eisenhower Matrix where tasks are prioritised between Low and High, What is Urgent or Significant and what is Not Urgent and Insignificant.  I had also been working on my requests for my Lasting Power of Attorney so this was if I get ill or cannot do things for myself and I wonder too if that added to the overall thought process I was going through?

Whatever it was, the outcome was a smile and a rest back in my chair and it became clear that it doesn't actually matter one way or the other.  There's no pressure to make the business succeed, there's no reason to get all stressed when things don't happen or go wrong particularly.  

The LPA stuff is interesting as there is a Finance and Property one and a Health one.  I guess it was the health one that was particularly useful as I actually put down this year's unpleasantness along with my other "problems" and so it admitted that it had taken it out of me, had added to my lack of "well-being-ness" if there is such a thing.  When you write down your wishes, about the future and list out what's happened to you in the past it starts to align your thoughts and also provides some focus on what might be before us (Care Home, Hospice etc) and whilst I was listing all these things out I reckon the old grey matter was sorting things out for me!

So things changed at that moment and a lot of the body stress fell away (I don't think the beer had anything to do with that) and I felt a lot lighter than I have in a while that's for sure.  It also means that if something doesn't get done on one day, so what, it can happen the next day and I don't need to be turning the screws on myself.  I am and always have been very hard on myself and it doesn't help that I'm the sort of person I'd hate to work for either :-)  So, this period of reflection has been really useful and I can actually approach the next few weeks where I am working out what to do with a quite different light.

It doesn't matter and that's the point now.  In addition there are lots of things that I really don't need to do and lots of tasks that aren't important either.  Neither do I need to spend hours and hours doing something where I can do one task, get it done and that's it.  No more overload and pressure that, after all, I put on myself it's not anyone else that's doing it.  Let's give it a go and see how this works out. 

No Couldn't Bring Myself To Do It

 The trouble of being a matter of fact type person is that I don't dress stuff up and whilst I may attempt to be subtle it never really comes out that way.  If you are dealing with someone who is generally emotional and takes things the wrong way then you have to work really hard to get it right and pick your moment.

The trouble is that it may not be seen a problem in their eyes, they may become defensive and so on.   I don't think in their terms and so I still need to think it all out.  Oh well I will keep trying I suppose.

Eating The Frog - Again

 Given the pretty rough year I've had I am attempting to reset myself and review life, the universe and all that good stuff!  Using the Wheel of Life system is one way to go about it and it has actually started my thinking off in the right direction.

The business and financial sections are OK, I know where I am but the personal life and home life sections?  Well, they are a different matter and oftentimes when you are looking in one direction you are ignoring what's behind and to the side of you.  These sections on the wheel are throwing up areas that I'd rather not go down but of course, that's what they are there for.  You have to reflect on all these aspects and the truth is, I don't really want to because I know that things aren't really right there.

So it's eat the Frog time.  No one wants to eat the Frog, it is green and brown and slimy and probably tastes awful but as we used to say, you need to go and do it and cannot continually kick the can down the road.

I have found the trauma and stress of the past 6 months to a year really bad for my health and I feel it more now than I ever did.  The decision before me now is one of flight or fight although not in an adrenaline fuelled way.  If I walk away and shut it all down will we ever know if it was a go-er or will it mean that I can just retire, wrap all this stuff up, have a bonfire and recycle all the rubbish, cancel all the other associated stuff?  If I make a go of it, how long for, what does success look like and when to call it a day?

The exercise to review this is useful but the personal stuff is not (to me).  The questions need answering as I don't want to be doing the right things for the wrong reason and vice versa.

Lasting Power Of Attorney

Well I need to deal with this now and get my wishes down.  All very matter of fact really and all very difficult as you are instructing your attorneys of your wishes should you be unable to do this for yourself.

It is strange writing out my health wishes as I keep much of this away from my family and now I have to explain certain traits and health conditions that they may not have been aware of as I have hidden them from it.  My depression and up and down nature of that is one area that I find strangely OK to write about but I am not sure that they know the depth of it even though they've lived with it for a number of years.  It will be interesting to see if they pick up on it I suppose.

The other stuff is pretty interesting to write about and should just reinforce that so much stuff is transitory in nature and deserves to be treated as such.  Part of my review I am doing over the next few weeks in reality.  The balance of work, life, relationships etc.  

I am forcing myself to do a 'Wheel of Life' review and it is actually difficult because I absolutely know what I need to do and the inner fight is real.  Of course I've always known, it's the curse of an INTJ the intuitive bit rises to the surface now but it was always there and deep down inside the direction was set.  The trouble is that the conclusion isn't palatable at all, it isn't what I want and it really isn't the answer I was looking for.

Now, I will spend some days reviewing things and actually arriving at that conclusion and then having to make another decision whether to go with it or avoid it and that will be an altogether different proposition.  The mind is putting it off and trying to avoid it LOL.

Time To Reflect And Decide

 Well here we are with new information and some ideas about going forward.  It was a good meeting and very much as I thought would be the case and so now, armed with that information, I can start to think about moving on.

I can at least work on the basis that some things are just not going to happen easily and quickly.  So in some ways one arm is tied behind my back unless the business flies and that isn't by any means certain at all.

It's now that the risk intensifies and so that in itself needs to be considered.  It is a gamble and you just don't know how this is going to go especially with the Budget coming up too.  Whether or not that will affect the business is another thing altogether.  

For now, I need to do some "Blue Sky" thinking and then make a decision.  I've already allocated some money to prop the business if needed and so covered off the possibility that we can last into Q2 next year (our Q4).  We don't need that many sales to make a go of it but those sales have not come yet despite some advertising although I probably need to up my game on that to make it more attractive.

Anyway, it's time to stop randomly attacking bits of the business and time to put the nastiness behind me and see if I want to go on and run the business or just shut it down and have done with it.  It was interesting that the bloke who's been giving me all the grief has once again written to the developer! What is interesting about that is that he more or less doesn't believe it will get to market - interesting comment.  It just goes to prove that no one read the statement I put out where I explained that we had.  They still voted against me/the business anyway.  Turkeys for Christmas anyone?

Anyway, a period of reflection and review.

OK That Was Useful

 I was going to walk but a bus pulled up within a few minutes so I got that and it meant I arrived in good time for the Remembrance Day Service - not part of the plan but it was good to attend and be part of.

Met the developer had a good long chat, ironed out a few bits and very much reinforced what I'd guessed was or had happened.  I also got some further feedback about the ex partner bloke giving me so much grief.  

So I now have a way forward (or not) to consider and whether we can get to market or not with the other version is, as I much suspected, a long long long way off.  The investment in time and money as I predicted was all spent in the wrong way and on targets not attainable even now.

But at east I know what I am dealing with and it isn't great and he knows that I am just as likely to pull the plug as to go ahead.  He does have a problem that if I sold the business it may give him a huge headache.

Anyway, I think I have a clearer view ahead now and let's hope that I can cover off most of the issues we have.

Nice to get busses to and from town - saves a 45 minute walk each way and also saved my poor old hip which is a lot better but may not have been up for quite the pounding a 90 minute walk there and back would have given it!

First Review Steps

 Off to meet the developer chap.  He's just 7 years late and only half delivered and so the conversation is going to be "interesting" to say the least.  I did fire a warning shot across his bows a year ago and now we are half way along but I need to review where we are and where I am too.

After a few days with a gammy leg I feel a lot better today and so I am going to attempt to walk into town to meet him.  It's a 45 minutes walk (brisk) but I will most probably take a little longer than that.  It should be an informal chat I don't want any problems and he's not the sort to give that to me either.  If there are problems I can get the bus which runs every 30 minutes so it should be OK either way.  It's not meant to be raining but hey, drizzle!  The Met office, can't get the weather right in a 30 minute window but can tell you what the temperature will be like 100 years from now!

So the review.  I am going to see what this guys is going to do he can deliver or he can refund, I just need to know what it is to be really.  It will determine my thinking and what actions I take from now on.  The bottom line is that I realise how much it has taken out of me with the uncalled for bombardment from the other chap involved.  I can push forward or I can shut it all down and as my mind stands right this minute, I really don't mind which one I do.  I am erring on shut it all down and have done with it which in reality is the easiest and possibly the tidiest option.

The Constant State Creep

 It was interesting to listen to a podcast that explored the role of the State.  You probably already know my position on things like Lockdown and the over reach of the State in that.  It goes back before that of course perhaps to the early 2000s maybe the financial crash of that time and it just goes on and on.

We now have politicians telling you how many drinks (containing sugar) you can and cannot have.  They just continue to chip away at liberties and steal our money and tell us it is good for us!  It is beginning to feel (to those of us awake enough) almost oppressive and I for one intend to start to ignore all of this and go and do my own thing.  If you don't obey the orders or get around them, what are they going to do?  It is meant to be Government by consent and I never consented to this nonsense and so that is my push back.

They want to control many (if not all) aspects of our lives but it's time we all pushed back and said no.  Too many people are happy to be ordered around and told what to do.  When I was managing programmes and projects it was amazing to me that so many otherwise highly intelligent people didn't actually know how to go about their jobs, they had to be told what to do, how to do it and when etc.  

I see that they have whispered they may introduce pay per mile for electric vehicles.  I imagine they'll use the onboard inter connectivity of the cars.  I doubt they have sufficient cameras set up to do it across the country.  Let's see if they do introduce it what the push back will be?

It's oppressive, if you let it be I suppose but it needs to be reigned in - we will see where the next budget leaves us.  Being taxed until the pips squeak and on top of that monitored all the time must surely start the asleep to wake from their slumbers.  

Often Happens

The road was meant to be closed but it wasn't, the roadworks were easy to get through.  So easy was it yesterday that I arrived in 35 minutes not my usual 45 as all the lights were green, there were hardly any cars on the road and I just sailed through.  It happens doesn't it that you plan to account for such things and actually, it was no where as bad as you thought.

Anyway, it was good to catch up with a number of old friends and have a chat and enjoy myself too.  Glad I did it as I often say to people, it's normally much better than you thought it would be.  Being an INTJ I am not overly good with people but I have learned how to do a bit of small talk.  As we all hadn't seen each other since May (a long break) it was easier to catch up.  

I feel better than I have done for a while, friends do that for you and it was a special meeting with quite a bit going on.  Somehow I have injured my hip and upper leg and putting pressure on it is quite painful.  Sometimes it is fine other times I get a shooting pain and can barely stand on it!  I hope that it isn't something serious.  For now I've put some cream I have on it and hope that helps.

In other news I am meeting the developer for a beer or three on Tuesday and hope that we can come to an accord on what is going to happen next.  I think I know the answer to it but I want him to run through the options and I want him to come up with the solutions.

I have an open mind on it at the moment, I am just going through the various scenarios and working out my exit strategies.   Who wants or needs all of this stuff at my age?  I think I'd rather be enjoying my retirement than fighting investors seemingly wanting to block progress?  They cannot have it both ways and so I just need to have a strategy document and a decision tree sorted out so I can make an informed conclusion and action plan.  Balancing business and monetary with emotional needs is the "fun" part of these exercises.  How do you correlate a set of life styles against profit and loss?  

Whilst it sounds complex it isn't really as intuitively you know what you are going to do some time before you get there with this exercise.  Will money drive you or your lifestyle?  If you earn more from the business then will you have a better life style? What are you willing to sacrifice for it and so on.  It throws up all of these points but the only thing that will matter is will it deliver what you want?  I think this will be fun and worth the effort to either run with it or decide enough really is enough and have done with it.

Life, The Universe And All That Stuff

 I find it crazy that I am retired and yet I have no time to be retired at all.  This business has kept me busy for years now and for what good it has done me, I may have well as dropped it years ago and just gone out and been retired.  So that's actually the thing isn't it?  What the hell am I doing working on something that now it's done (well half done to be fair) and I've taken all that flack about it no longer feels worth the effort.  

I've just stopped working on it as my heart isn't in it anymore.  I need to make a decision to either run with it, halt it or pause it and the investment in time and money is part of a complex equation around what to do next.  It's one of those thing that can go well if I invest a lot of time and effort, over and above what I've already done, yet, I have lost interest and don't really want to anymore.  Such is the impact of the attacks I've received that if I walked away today, I don't think I would feel anything anymore, it would be a relief.

No doubt once I've spoken to the developer and find out what he is likely to do now I will be better armed to make a logical decision on which way to go.  For now, it's in the balance I feel.  What's the point of using anymore of the life left to me if it is just to fend off attacks from enemies of the company?  If I close it, they too have nothing left to complain about.

It's messy though but I am certain that I will have an answer in the next several weeks.  Who needs all the negativity and uncertainty when I can shut it all down and all that disappears?