I thought about this during all these flashbacks and whilst I know you cannot actually do these things and what is done is done, I wondered, what if you could go back and change something in your life what would it be and what outcome do you think might be different?
It's all hypothetical anyway of course. I realise limitations include my personality which is pretty unusual and specific (INTJ look it up). So I'd have to be something I'm not to have made decisions but here are a few:
Pick Up On Subtly: I now realise that there were a couple of relationship opportunities not taken. A couple of young ladies in particular were great friends but now I can see that there was far more than that (you tend to replay things and then stuff becomes clear). The platonic relationship probably wasn't.
Not Be So Angry: I was never an aggressive angry person but I hated ineptitude, stupidity and other such traits. I perhaps should have learned to deal with these better
Don't Smoke: My word I used to enjoy a smoke and a beer and a smoke and a beer.... I got cancer, apparently it was highly probable to have been all those smokes!!
You Cannot Fix Regrets: This blog - it comes from deep inside, lost love, disappointments, the way things turned out, loss of "friends", lost contacts, how you could have done things better. I used to have the worst head issues you can imagine because I analysed everything and as an INTJ, that's what you do, you never stop scenario building, theories are built in your head, ideas constructed and then torn down by logic and analysis. Intuition also takes a big place alongside judgemental views and then execution of the idea is normally incisive. That's why we make good Project Managers and so on. It's all a bit Matrix Film - which strikes well with me. There can be no other outcome and so on.
Let It Go: Hardest thing is to let it go after a decision that may have had an affect on my life and as above there may be regrets but letting those go is very difficult but that's because the last years have been chaotic and dramatic for me. Breaking up, finding your dream love and losing it, cancer, new love, shattered dreams and all those things and fighting those demons. You never stop fighting them but you can learn to let them go and now I sleep well at night and generally take things as stress free as I can. Recent business chaos did affect me as it was serious and I was badly let down I felt but it's a week or two on now and all is well. I can let it go.
The only real thing I think I would have actually changed is meeting my Angel and having been able to build the life we discussed. It wasn't to be and every now and again my mind sends me a picture of some happy moment or other and for a short while I'm filled with the what did I do wrong, why me blah blah stuff knowing full well that I know the reasons and I think and hope that she is happy. For a short time I feel that emptiness of soul that comes with a love lost. In a parallel universe that is not so and we are together I'd like to think.