No - Back Up At 5:45

 Ugh, didn't get back to sleep and so got up and came downstairs.  Fighting the bad head stuff yet again.  I know what it is and I realise it isn't in my control and so to that end I have to let it go but of course that's difficult to do.

The way forward though is not easy to sort out either really.  I suppose I just need to get on with my plans for this year and work through them and sometimes it seems easy and at other overwhelming.

The business comes to an end very soon and that really will get that pressure off of me for even though it is dead it isn't gone yet.  A few weeks and that will be it. He can object I suppose but I'm not sure what he can object about in reality.  The business will release all "his" IP and that will be that.  Maybe it is that at the back of my mind but I just don't know.

I am pretty certain that retirement and getting old are having an effect on me too.  I just cannot adjust to it but I know this and so will work through it somehow.  It's the unease I feel at the moment.  

Slept Through - Improvements

 These glitches come and go.  My knee is still painful but only every now and then.  The last two nights I've taken to putting my knee on a pillow which has helped things and last night I managed to only wake three or four times and go back to sleep in a fashion so that the alarm woke me and I hadn't spent up to an hour or two downstairs.

So that's progress, sort of.  Hopefully that will continue.   I completed one set of accounts and in fact two come to think of it.  I need to work on getting them reviewed.  I now need to work on closing the business - that should happen in the next two weeks.  

Then we are sort of clear to get on with retirement. That's not going quite a smoothly as I'd hoped but I am working on it.    

Habit Forming - Up At Six Yet Again

 OH was late and so getting to bed was easy over one and half hours later than normal.  It did not stop me waking with knee pain yet again and getting up at just gone six!  I might try putting my knee / leg on a pillow to see if it helps.  This is an occasional problem caused by a sporting injury a long time ago - 30 years maybe - playing Cricket and my feet stuck on the pitch whilst my body continued going which was painful but I don't get this a lot so have lived with it all these years.  I have a few knee braces that I use which seem to help relieve the problem.

Last week it was around 30 C and hot and humid - we now have quite a cold wet day - I am actually wearing a hoodie over my T Shirt to keep warm - I kid you not!

Tackling my head problems is continuing and I have put the bad thoughts to the back of my mind for now.  I perhaps need to work my way through these.  It's difficult to explain other than the mortality stuff which I kind of get having done my Lasting Power of Attorneys which makes you think about all of this stuff and kicking around funeral plans doesn't help either!  My mother has paid for her funeral and it is an unattended cremation - no one there - we (my brother and I) can decide whether to have a do of some sort but we will not attend a funeral service etc.  Those are her wishes and I respect those.  I understand her decision, not sure my brother does...  Not his choice though is it?

Right as it is a wet and windy day I can sit down and tackle these accounts.  Let's hope I can complete them and get them resolved (for once) these are the ones that no real records existed and that I had to forensically rebuild.  I hate accounts - balance sheets in particular - I understand what they are there for but sometimes it doesn't "balance" and I spend hours trying to see what has happened!  

Not Me This Time - Up With The Lark!

 OH woke around 4 and I got back to sleep but around 6 OH woke again and I was wide awake this time so came downstairs and argued with the Facebook algorithm FFS.  Trying to sell my mother's mobility walker which having been up for a week or so is now deemed to go against community rules??  I don't know either.  So after turning down my review they then deliver me an advert under my (only you can see your post) of the identical thing and then more and more mobility aids.  This is the trouble when you cannot speak to anyone or appeal apart from an AI model.  I still have no idea why - it's not anything contentious surely?

So there you go, something to add to the general levels of madness going on at the moment.  At least some people are beginning to wake up.  Let's hope that they start to do something about it.

Anyway, quite pleased that I got out of the house even if just to do some shopping.  I need to venture a bit further afield and for longer.  At least I feel a lot better this week.

Well, I'm Getting There

 A better night sleep and I finally got up just after 6 because my knee was giving me jip once again.  It seems to have settled a bit but I might do some more Deep Heat shortly to see if that will assist.

Many of the thoughts are gone now and so I am pleased about that.  Sleep was 6 hours followed by an hour and then awake properly.  This is a lot better and I was able to blank my mind which is helpful I find.

So, here I am, sat at my desk the rain is intermittent and so I am working out what to do indoors.  I know what I should do but I am just working out whether I want to actually start it :-) There's a lot of heavy brain work involved and I need to be sharp for that as it is figures that require my attention.  Another coffee and I'll make a start.

It is still strange being retired.  This morning I got the last set of company accounts signed off and I am ready now to close the business down next week.  Hurrah!  That can then be consigned to history.  Hopefully, that will also rid me of nonsense that was going on and it can all be put to rest and shut down.   

Better I Suppose

 Still fighting my brain at night but not as much - I'd almost fallen asleep when my head decided to remind me of the awful video that had been published on the murder of young Henry Nowak and if you've seen it, it is pretty disturbing indeed.  I managed to switch off the horrific scene and got a few hours sleep and then a few more and around 5 my brain was wanting to start looking at all the projects to do in and around the house.  A short work out on breathing and I got another hour and half sleep.

I have some work to do in terms of accounts which are dependent on the weather - we finally had some rain last night with a bit of thunder and lightning and we might have more - no one can accurately say, like the storm in the late afternoon yesterday we had two hours notice.

I think that I can spend a bit of time sorting out finances too which will be good.  Mundane stuff but I need to build on these tasks and climb back to being normal (yes I know that's subjective) me!!

Better Night's Sleep

 OK that was a little better - it is much cooler and the rain woke me up a couple of times but I fell back to sleep well enough.  Only at around 5 did I hit the mind alive again which is me all over once I am awake my mind goes into some sort of parallel computing mode.  This time though I did my breathing exercises and was rewarded with another 2 hours sleep and and a strange dream escaping a volcano somewhere abroad and getting everyone together and out of the building!  

Today is finance day so I am sorting out bills, credit cards and so on.  Once that is done I will move on to getting some accounts moving.  I see that I have done some of the account but there are a few gaps so that is the next thing then cross referencing checks.

I feel OK ish today albeit a friend has passed away who has been ill for a long time.  My mind is sort of preoccupied with mortality at the moment after seeing my mum and then completing my LPAs and so on.  

At least I am not in the very low place I was in a few weeks ago or that I was in last year.  Adjusting to this aimless retirement is taking some getting used to. 

Early Rising - Habit Forming

 I had an excuse as Grandson is on an inset day (we used to call it a Baker Day) and so he arrives early.  I was awake and so 5:40 didn't seem too bad I'd normally be up at 6 anyway for him coming.

I have no idea what I have done to my knee but it needed Deep Heat on it this morning and I've now taken off the brace and it feels sort of OK.  It happens occasionally, a cricket accident from 30+ years ago!  both knees but it is infrequent.  The heat has died down a bit now and whilst I still ran the cooler overnight hopefully that can be turned down or off if the temperature drops a bit more.  It is much nicer now - warm but without the humid hit that we seem to get in the UK.  

I have some things to do which will occupy me for a few days now.  These are mainly accounts and they can be completed and be sent off for auditing.  I've got other things to do as well and so I am feeling OK and not so lost.  Tomorrow can be an accounts sort of day and I can clear up my own accounts and those of the Lodge in one hit.

I hope that I can end the habit of early rising though.  I find it difficult to sleep still and so I just need to get away from the habit and away from my mind wanting to nag me all the time.  Knowing that my mind is commenting all the time is part of the trick but the ultimate thing is to make it stop.  That is the most difficult part of it all.  Ignoring the babble and nonsense arising and dismissing it and not joining in with it's narcissistic pain body self talk.  Easier said that done but I am trying. 

Up Early Again

 Well that was strange as I woke early (twice) and got back to sleep albeit it didn't feel like I did the second time.  My OH was awake and so I sat up and the dark thoughts came and the tearful feeling and sadness too.  So I got up and I am here at 6 am,  I suppose that's not so bad.

The heat is subsiding now which is OK I suppose and means that sleep isn't as fitful as it has been.  I could certainly do without the nagging head stuff for sure.

A combination of many things and based around retirement and loss of purpose, seeing my mum ageing and all that combined.  I'd like to move on from it all but that is proving a little difficult.

It's really too hot to do much outside - I managed to shore up the gates and sort out the braces and uprights where they'd started to come apart.  It feels good to accomplish things but in this weather it really is difficult to do anything too exerting. Hopefully the weather will break and we can get rid of the high temperatures, humidity and Saharan sand! 

What's to be done?  I don't know really.  I am a lot better than I was last week and these thought bombs only come in short waves but they are powerful and upsetting.  When you consider that it is you own brain doing this to you - you'd have thought it was an easy fix but it isn't.  Trying to counter argue yourself is also a bit strange.   After a while you can just disappear the thoughts and I just need to work hard on doing that.  

Controlling My Thoughts

 It's been a bad week all in all.  I'm better than I was this time last week and the disturbed nights are lessening as the temperature cools down now.  It's been very warm and so sleeping is difficult to say the least.

Up again early this morning and whilst I still have the thoughts on and off, I recognise what they are and control them.  It is destructive though and takes work to understand what is happening and then do something about it.

I spoke to my financial guy and all is well really - I can't complain and if I did, no one would listen LOL. But we did speak about coming to terms with retirement and that is indeed difficult, at least for me.  When your purpose has been about doing things for other people most of your life taking time for yourself becomes difficult and so a new way of living needs to be examined and it doesn't happen overnight - I just hadn't planned it and of course, for someone who has always planned it came as a shock.  I didn't realise that I'd be retired (even though drawing a pension etc) until a month or two back when I took the decision to shut down the business.  In many ways, it wasn't a slow process to do.  No sales = no business = shut it down.  There's no bills to pay (ish) and you just wrap it up, job done.  In the next few weeks the paperwork will go in and that's kind of that.  I'll then just grab the files stick them in a box and write a do not destroy until (7 years later) and move on.

It was the sudden shift from doing what I've always done to doing nothing that was the jolt.  At least I know what it is and can move on from there.

I Guess It Is OK Not To Do Things

It's hot for sure and I will not be getting into my car to do the little bit of fuse replacement I need to - blown 12 Volt outlet in the console - It's an easy enough fix but, at 27 C not so much :-) Likewise, I really could do with doing some garden chores but once again, it is that hot as to not be comfortable either.  So I will not actually do anything involving physical work today.  I now have the gates (the infamous bloody gates) to do a small repair on as I notice two of the bracing timbers are coming away from their supports!  Great - so parts ordered and another thing on the list to do.

But it's OK not to do things now.  I'm retired and so it can wait as I have all the time now.  When I worked it may have meant leaving it until the next free weekend to fit around my other chores! Now I can see that it doesn't matter.

The adjustment is very difficult for me - I have always "been busy" with stuff and chores, projects, work etc.  Now, not so much.  It's whether or not to do anything in the spaces in between or to just let those happen and it bothers me and I need to adjust, acclimatise and get used to it I guess? It's not easy at all.

So my next work in progress is not to feel guilty that I am not doing anything, rather embrace that and work out from there what to do after that, when I've accepted it.

Every Year I Have This Conversation (With Myself)

 Whether to invest in A/C in the house.  For the few days it is like this we work through the 30 C days and 20C nights using my cooling tower and a misting fan plus a few old fashioned office fans.  It was at 5 am this morning that I sort of had the conversation again.  We live in the pitched roof area of our house and it has angled doors and windows making it difficult to site an A/C unit or vent it more over.  So where it's needed isn't the best place to put it.  I could put it downstairs but I'd need a more powerful unit as the house is quite large and would need to cool a large area before cooling upstairs.  

So for 4 or 5 days a year of discomfort is the ROI worth it?  I'll probably still be asking myself this very same question next year!!

Life is very strange for me at the moment.  Irrational thoughts, death and illness, getting old, losing control and independence and many many more.  I'm better than I was last week but it's got so much to do with seeing my mum and her situation relating it to my situation and so on.  I am having to work through it and make various changes to things.  I go between being quite happy and content to the complete opposite and being down and despondent.

Just going to have to fight my way through it I guess. 

Ups and Downs

 No 1 Grandchild is here today which has cheered me up and I got a half decent night's sleep given it was so hot but my cooling fan leaked and so I have a puddle in the bedroom carpter now mopped up!  

I think I know what happened so I just need to check that tonight and make sure it doesn't recur.

Was a bit annoyed that my grandson told me that the world is getting hotter because humans are causing it. Why are teachers telling them this climate porn? It's disgusting as they are blaming children for nothing and oppressing them surely this dogma should be stopped.  

If you know me you know what I think on this non scientific mumbo jumbo and even the climate change people don't spout this bollocks - but you'd need to read their literature and reports (not the executive summary written by non scientists!).  The summaries are then inflated to sell newspapers and gain clicks.  They, politicians and climate scientists cannot tell you any ROI - Return on Investment data because it doesn't exist.  The actions they have taken have made a lot of people very rich and the greater general public, US, poorer.  In the 20 or 30 years that they've promised lowering bills the opposite has happened.  Everything is more expensive because of some hoodoo voodoo nonsense.  Here in the UK we have gone faster and further than most and our reward is the highest energy prices in the world.  And, just to be sure, they slap more taxes on to the stuff with resultant businesses going bust, even higher prices and disastrous results incoming in the future as we import fuel from adjacent oil and gas fields in the North Sea from our neighbour, Norway, for example.  The very same fields, under our feet (well under the sea).  Someone needs to wake the f*** up and stop it but, you know, Socialism.  Mind you the Conservatives weren't much better enshrining this sh1t in law.

As for me, well, I am very much up and down at the moment.  I know I am not right but with the little guy around today that will cheer me up.  The weather is a little challenging and as usual makes you want to invest in AirCon for a few days :-)  Some of the things that I find myself worrying about in short snippets include:

• Getting darker in winter!
• Claustrophobia but not in any particular setting
• Dying, suicide (no I'm not there) getting old, losing my power (physical)
• Getting stuff done, having a plan or not, procrastination

I think it is all to do with retirement, loss of day-to-day work.  A feeling that my get up and go has indeed got up and left and a general lack of motivation.

You retire and the picture is painted of all the things you can get on and do and suddenly, they no longer interest me at all or rather, I just cannot be arsed at the moment.  It sounds terrible and I worry about the loss of the time and effort but there you go.  I'm aware of all of this but I just need to tackle it and work my way through t.  I'm not as bad as I was last week so hopefully I can work through this. 

Life's A Bit Of A Struggle At The Moment

 I am having a hard time of it at the moment.  The retirement conundrum is there and the general life, the universe and all that too.  Suddenly there's no purpose, no easy way out of a trap I suppose, or that's what it feels like.

The stuff that defined me has gone and I wasn't expecting this void and this confusion.  It's not the same as the dark days of last year but it is a constant challenge and it comes and goes and fights logic, what I know, what I care about and so on.  There's a fight between wanting to be busy and doing things (not easy in this mini heat wave) and just doing nothing.  

I am working my way through it but it isn't easy.  The heat does not help - I have the fans but they aren't doing much other than blowing the air around of course.  It would be nice to have air con but where to put it is an issue.

I need to work my way through this phase as it is making me very uneasy and going to see my mum last week was both nice - good to see her - but also upsetting as she is getting old and frail which is upsetting.