Retirement - No Plan - No Purpose - And Me A Programme Manager!

 It's hard to take for me, that the one thing during all that hard work and anguish with the business was I didn't plan to be retired - I wasn't expecting it at all as I thought I'd still be working and could work out an Exit Plan and then retire.

Little did I know how quickly things would come to a head and I was so busy doing all that was needed that it passed me by how busy I was working on it and how suddenly everything changed.

Twenty years ago, things changed in a flash, I went from being a 'normal' person working away, finally in my dream job and along came Bladder Cancer to disrupt that.  The ripples of that disruption exist to today.  I should know I suppose, but who has plans that would have predicted that?  

So I am wobbling through this period of my life and making the best of a bad job really.  Rudderless and blown this way and that by the winds is not a place I like to be.  My hobbies, such as they were, are not really of any interest at the moment.  I have "things" that just lie around and need to go.  Lots of IT equipment that in reality isn't needed anymore and I need to just get rid of.  It's a little too hot to work on all of that although I have done a little bit and sold some bits.  The other stuff can wait until I commit to documenting and selling it.

Additionally with my eyesight now requiring correcting it's best to wait until my new spectacles arrive and I get used to them, the change is quite noticeable and the cataract that has caused it will need to be addressed at some point in time too.

At least I am sleeping a bit better, my mind is a lot emptier and I intend to work on my health and my head in particular.  I don't want to fear growing old but seeing my mother at age 89 struggling with her mobility is a concern.  Oh well, at least I am not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did so I'm out of the morbid state and I hope climbing out of that trough I was in.  I really do not want to go back and re-visit it, it was a nasty, dark and frightening place for sure.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

 It was twenty years ago today,
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style,
But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you the act you’ve known for all these years?
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Well not quite.  It was on a very hot day that I went with my then wife to the Hospital to have the operation that probably saved my life.  Diagnosed on the Friday I was on the list on Monday and I went to the hospital and waited almost all day until they got me in.  Nil By Mouth and I was a bit dehydrated by the time they finally saw me.

People tell you how hot it is at the moment but it was just as hot and they (my wife and family) brought in a fan from home to blow over me as I was recovering from the operation.  Trapped in bed wired up was not pleasant especially as they built the hospital without AC!  Anyway, 20 years already, it hardly seems believable.

In other news, I've been noticing something strange with my eyesight for perhaps 3 or 4 months I guess but becoming noticeable over the last 4 weeks.  I managed to get to my optician as they had a spare appointment and blow me down, my vision has changed massively in the 18 months since I was last there.  The biggest change in all the years and I'm barely at the legal limit for driving!!!  So I won't be doing that until I get my new glasses which, apparently, will be quite a change as I now have long and nearsightedness.  I'll be looking it up shortly to see what that all means other than it is a massive shift.  A cataract is forming too.  The joys of getting old.

I'll have to monitor all of that then!

Anyway the main thing is that Bladder Cancer, in my case caught early albeit borderline late is survivable and is treatable.  Glad to still be here :-) 

A Less Heavy, Clear Mind

 Despite the fact that my mum is visibly looking older and struggling with her legs, her knees in particular which upset me greatly, it should come as a bit of a surprise that my mind was a lot clearer yesterday and this morning.  I managed to sleep reasonably well but was disturbed at 6 by OH and so I got up and came downstairs.

The heaviness in my head is almost gone and it somehow feels clear again.  Sure the thoughts are there but I think I can deal with them.  It's been a struggle I have to say but as long as I identify the bad thoughts and deal with them as soon as they arise then that's something.

I have a mixture of "problems" and so I intend to work on them as best I can.  Health and fitness need to be part of the approach as I notice that I am not eating properly which means I'm out of condition too and part of me feels old and worn out so I need to look after myself and to take care of my physical and mental well-being.  

The heat has subsided and so that allows me to get out and do some work which also means that I can 'get things done' which again should help.

I'm left with two impressions after returning from my mum's and that's I need to just start to adjust to being old but not turning into someone old (doesn't make sense I know) and that I need to treasure each day and get out of this current rut and don't slip back.  Easier said than done.

So it is also a bad time of year of course.  It will be 20 years tomorrow that my first Bladder Cancer operation will have happened.  Interesting journey since.  

Mixed Emotions - Strange Times

 So I was at my mum's and on the first night her wheelchair arrived and it's got a joy stick control - it's a mid level model I guess.  Mum's never used a joystick before so was over compensating when steering!  She then hit the go faster button and went off the edge of the pavement and dropped to the road from the curb stone but I was there and sorted that out - she then over did the camber at the drop curb and speedded up rather than just letting go of the joystick.  So going to the farm the next day she only used the wheel chair as a support to wheel around in but I got her to drive from the car park at her place to her room. 

She has very low confidence and "can't do it" and "it's too sensitive" and so hopefully she will get the hang of it - surely it is more difficult than the mobility scooter which, once again she was frightened to use in case she damaged anything!  

I found her much worse than before and her standing and walking are really impaired albeit we did manage to get around at the Farm and at the Shops but it took some convincing.  The trouble is her legs want to give way (at the knees) not when she is standing upright but as she tries to put on shoes or get up to her walking frame.

So I was very upset when I saw this but my grand children, my daughter and son-in-law were up for a few days which was great as the got to see their great grandmother and she got to see one of her grandchildren and her great grandchildren too so spirits lifted on two days with that.

Me?  Mixed emotions as I thought I'd be in bits when I got home but actually I'm OK, worryingly so, steady, no head noise and feeling settled about it for now.  Long may that continue.  I think though I have a long way to go as I am seriously worried about my mother and have given her instructions to discuss this knee weakness with the Doctor and team - I think a brace would do the trick as she is (they think) too old for a replacement knee (s) which is probably what she needs! 

Let us see how things go I suppose. 

Slightly Better Night

 I managed to mostly clear my mind but then had to get up as my OH heard rustlings outside so armed with a torch I went and checked.  Probably just a roosting bird or something in the hedgerow.  I managed to get to sleep OK and woke twice but managed to go back to sleep or enter that sleep where you think you've been awake a long time but you were more than likely asleep.  Anyway, here we are. 

The "thoughts" are with me and I need to deal with them somehow albeit they aren't as bad as they were, it is still noticeable that I now find myself dipping into this depressed state a couple of times a day and I need to deal with that.  Doing something seems to help but this oppressive heat does make it difficult although I did put up the flower arches yesterday but the ground is like a rock - anyway hopefully they'll settle in and we can grow some climbers up and over them.

I think I am still affected by the closure of the business and I checked that the Notice has been published in the Gazette which it has.  It still affects me how I was treated and there's a sort of background fear that it might all kick off again although what that might be about I have no idea as I have returned all the IP to him anyway.  It plays on my mind.

The weight of the world does too but I can do little about that but my mind hasn't worked out that I have little power to change or influence these things and it is going to have to take its course and it will be what it will be.  All the doom and gloom peddled by the MSM is bad enough and they want you to pay for it too!

Off to my mum's for a few days so hopefully a few days away will ease my spirits - I do hope so.

I suppose that I am a bit better than I was a few weeks ago, it's taking its time to heal - hopefully with the weather calming down a bit I'll be able to do some tidying up and some outside projects, get a few walks in and gradually improve my head space. 

Sleep - The Struggle To Dismiss Those Thoughts

 On reflection, sleep, even in these sticky high temperatures, is OK.  I serviced the cooling (evaporation) fan and it does its work well.  I'm getting about 7 hours sleep with perhaps 2 wakes during the night.  Those two are generally fine and I can just go back to sleep most of the time.  It's the waking around 5:45 to 6 that is proving difficult at the Cortisol kicks in and so I just get up and come down stairs, perhaps write this blog or wander around or sit and I can normally close my eyes and just let my mind go blank - not sure why I cannot do that in bed.

It is a little better at the moment as I am controlling the dark thoughts and getting on with things.  It is still way too hot to do any meaningful work though. As I understand it, the temperature from today is dropping to manageable levels.  Let's hope so.  I like it warm but the past few weeks and the previous heat waves have been exhausting.

These thoughts are problematic and to do with (I think) arriving in the world of retirement without a plan to be here.  My poor old INTJ brain really hadn't contemplated I'd be retired for at least another year and so this is all a bit of a shock to me.  My hobbies, such as they were, included playing Golf but I stopped that over 30 years ago wen my children were born.  I was never much of a one for exercise but I used to do a lot of walking and I need to get back to that but not in this heat.  I was heavily involved in a charity and enjoyed that but it was work work not a hobby.  

I enjoy genealogy and F! motor racing yet even that is having the shine taken off.  So there's nothing there at the moment. I no longer have the business to occupy my time and the weather has stopped me organizing the garage space and tackling the garden area.  

So there's empty space in my head and in my days and it is filled with awful thoughts and whilst I can catch those and control them eventually, they do mess with my equilibrium.  Mood swings and dark periods, stress, anger, close to tears sometimes too.  It's all a dark place not helped by the news, the politicians seemingly driving us over a cliff ruled by ideology rather than what's good for the people that put them in power.  That's going to end badly but nothing I can do so my 'control' is affected by seeing what's coming and being powerless to do much about it.

There's some light as I am managing 7 hours sleep a bit less than I am used to but can take the odd nap to catch up if needed.  It's the overcoming of the thoughts and working on my inner calm, my breathing, and trying to stop the thoughts which I know are causing this.  When I work on this and impose "The Now" I can have a good calm time.  It needs to last longer and I need to catch myself getting stressed and going down the dark hole earlier so I can overcome it.

I am better than I was a few weeks back and better than a few days back so the change in weather and the opportunities that will bring will be good.

I am off for a few days to see my mum and the grandchildren and my daughter and her husband will be around for a few days which will be excellent.   I am sure my spirits will lift being with them

Adjustment - Retirement - Purpose

 I am certainly struggling at the moment, no doubt about it and a lot has to do with having no plan or idea where I go from here.  My daughter is on a world trip taking a year out of work and good on her.  Suddenly I am left without the job/project/business and boom!  Retirement and I just never planned for it, it has arrived a bit earlier than I expected and whilst I had an exit plan for the business, it didn't include retirement planning as such.

Life is very strange at the moment for sure as I come to terms with stuff I hadn't realised was there and what to do with myself.  I've a list of chores a mile long but the weather has been oppressive and not conducive to the list of house maintenance projects.  

With a head full of negative thoughts, death, getting old and all sorts of destructive thoughts going on I am struggling to hold it all together but not all the time.  Yesterday was a chaos day and in between we went out to lunch (interrupted by a late delivery I had to rush back for) and I felt OK when we got back from that - I' interacted with people and so that was good.  Anyway there you have it.  I am away at the weekend up to see my mum, daughter, son-in-law and the grand-kids which will be great as my mum gets to see her great grandchildren.  I hope that will lift my spirits.

Having said that seeing my mum approaching her 90th year takes a toll on me as she slows down and needs time to get anywhere.

Up Early Again - Thoughts Creep In

 It is annoying that I managed to get back to sleep but then I woke up and could only fitfully sleep.  Counting backwards did help but these silly thoughts kept arising and that is what they are, silly and I just need to work on that.

Out today so perhaps that might help?  

The Weight Of The World

 Is the world a more dangerous and frightening place?  Is it worse now than it was when I was younger?  Well, yes and no.  I have time to reflect on the barrage of information both true, false, made up, downright propaganda and so on.  I probably took little notice when I was younger but recall only really Saturday and Sunday picking up a newspaper and reading it cover to cover.

Weekends were busy with working on the house and garden and doing all the things that were needed.  Now, not so much as retirement brings the weekend every day!

It matters to me all the ills and woes in the world, the utter stupidity and hypocrisy and the varied nonsense you read and listen to.  Things that make me angry include the loss of our impartiality and fairness our sense of good manners and fair play.  They've gone and then there's the utter blind reliance on "science" excess deaths in the heatwave were caused by, climate change, of course they were!  When the climate actually changes you'll know about it and weather variability, which is what this is, isn't to do with carbon FFS they don't even know what "carbon" they are talking about and that is where it all goes horribly wrong as they knee jerk changes in the name of the great God Carbon and not adapt to it, if indeed the 400 parts per million of CO2 has any direct affect on it.  They tell you  "The Oceans are boiling" have you ever seen that happening?  Given around 90% of planet is water what science have you got for that.  It has a lot to do with the climate but really, boiling??

Anyway this post is about how all this stuff drags me down and the continuous negative news and views is eating away at me so I have to give it up and do other things that isolate me from this constant day on day onslaught of bad news.  

The trouble is, it makes me lethargic and just makes it difficult to do anything useful.  The heat doesn't help and is a good excuse not to exert myself.  It's a difficult head fight at the moment as I think I know what the problem is but it is more than that it is the move from having an interest and a business to not having that anymore.  No purpose, nothing to look forward to (or moan about) and a future that doesn't show a blank canvas to me rather than age and death and that's not right.  

Enjoying my retirement is actually not at all enjoyable at the moment.  I need to get a grip on it and reset things.  It cannot go on like this and in little patches it doesn't.  I enjoyed going to my granddaughter's party yesterday but it was short-lived.  

It is a case of working through this stage, not easy I have to say but I am determined to do it.  

Here We Are, It's Monday Again

 Monday again, no work to go too and it's hot as you like still but nowhere near the heat of last week.  A reasonable night's sleep with just the two interruptions although not sure what the 3:40 awakening was about but it did give me the high speed thoughts about anything and everything but I managed to stop them and awoke just 10 minutes before the alarm.

I hope to go to see my mother in a weeks time - planning today to see if that can happen.  My daughter and the grand-kids will be going up to see her so I can tag along with that and save them transporting her from her flat to the farm where they like to go.

I just hope it isn't as hot wherever I am staying!  

Bonkers Day - Typical For Me Though

 My delivery did not arrive on Friday so I arranged to have it delivered Tuesday as I was going out on Saturday.  It was my granddaughter's birthday party and so I got myself all organized and cleaned the windscreen on my car and set off.  Well that was until I noticed that the butcher said they were on their way so I called and left a message stating that we had already agreed to deliver Tuesday.  With me so far?

I decided to set off a little earlier than planned and so left the house at 9:10 or thereabouts.   The Butcher arrived at 9:16!!!  Had I stayed behind and not set off I'd have my food and you never know I might have noticed something significant too......  The party is today not yesterday so I had driven all the way to the party location and hour away and wondered why it was not that busy there.  Interesting couple of hours driving which I will need to repeat shortly. 

As for the Butcher a few tetchy emails later and we are back on track for a Tuesday delivery rather than me having to go and collect it.

It was slightly less warm overnight and I managed to sleep until 6:45 so not too bad.  Still got these thoughts in my head but I am managing them.  They sweep in and out of my day and night and as long as I can identify them, I can control them a bit but it isn't easy.  Better than last week and gradually improving - working on it.  

Early Rising - It's All In Your Head Mr. Tweedy

 Chicken Run, a brilliant film and poor old Mr. Tweedy, the farmer, nagged by his wife and harassed by the Chickens.  His wife tells him "It's all in your head!" yet we know that the Chickens really are up to something.

My current problems are all in my head so to speak and with this heatwave making doing anything uncomfortable it doesn't help that my head is Catastrophising things going on around me.  Everywhere does appear gloom and doom and once again I find myself reflecting on such things.  The state of the economy and what on Earth these losers are going to come up with next and just the state of the world at the moment but I cannot fix them and worrying about them probably isn't helping either.

I was up early again this morning not massively so but just before 6 but it was a hot night again and suddenly I was awake.  We'd had some locals disturb us as they sat out and were being overly loud in conversation - it is surprising how far noise travels at night in the country but I don't imagine they realised.

Things play in my head and that needs to stop.  It used to happen many years ago and I got rid of it, just one night and I cleared all my past which was haunting me and I stopped all the analysis and self doubt.  In a way, that's back now but nowhere near as severe as before.  It's just unsettling and it isn't particularly good for me, I know.  So I am going to work on that and try to detach myself from social media as well as unsubscribing to all these emails.

I am going to have to work on it and sort it out.  

No Wonder There's Problems

 I am trying to give up my phone and PC/Tablet and switch my attention away.  It is only when you realise the way that your attention is being sought all the time that you realise how, for example, ADHD and similar problems manifest themselves.

My phone goes 'bing' and I look at the little screen to see what it is? It commands my attention and requires my feedback and interaction.   My emails demand attention and action (or do they) and I find myself using phone and PC to get things done but there is little or no substance to those things.

So I've been working slowly, to unsubscribe from emails - I think that it will help.  I try to (and fail miserably) to look at Facebook only once a day - this needs more practice as does glancing at Instagram albeit that might be the only way I might know where one of my daughters is in the world and what she might be up to.  She's on a year out going around the world bless her.

It's been hot by any standards and I managed to sleep with one (possibly two) interruptions overnight and slept past 7.  I have an early morning delivery arriving so I needed to be up but 7 is great.  I cleaned the air cooler which has meant it operates better and it certainly did work better as all the filters and the evaporation screen were cleaned out.  It is going to be a hot day again today and it really precludes me from sitting here doing anything on the PC.  It is too hot to do anything in the garden and so there's been a lot of sitting around doing little - that has and hasn't helped my head space.

I am feeling a lot better but my head drifts in and out of strange places - without over doing it I didn't want to be here (no not the suicide question for you SAMS out there) but I wasn't certain where I wanted to be.  I am still having the death and getting old stuff and it's because my purpose disappeared and I wasn't ready for it.  I had a plan if the business was successful and one if it wasn't which it turned out to be and there problem was that I'd got the exit plan sorted out and there was suddenly a vacuum in my day to day life and purpose and unlike me, I hadn't given any thought to the missing part.  I say unlike me as I am usually well planned but of course, this is now about me, not someone else or anything else and I didn't think that this would be something I'd need to consider as it is emotional and people orientated and as an INTJ I swear I'm more Vulcan than human :-) 

Another restful day with deliveries of food incoming and time to try and reflect on the good side of retirement.

That Was Hot One!

It feels like the hottest day this week already.  I got up at 5:45 mainly as I'd managed to make my hand numb by lying on it awkwardly and something woke me from outside the house.  A car, lorry or sheep/ As I say that the Dustmen have just arrived so it might be the previous ones who do the food caddy :-)

So I'm just working out how to get cool and sort myself out for today - it is so warm here in my office that I will probably end up elsewhere in the house or in the shade outside seeking relief.  It's a sit it out day today for sure.

But at least, I am not sitting in the strange head space I was in last week and indeed for many weeks.  There's a little going on in there but not as bad, not as self-destructive I'd say.  Without wishing my life away it will be good when the weather breaks a bit and I can get on and do some work or make some plans that don't involve keeping cool, making and using ice and running fans most of the day!

Despite The Heat - I Managed A Good Night

 Progress of sorts and that's something I suppose.  I asked for Crossword and Puzzle books for my Birthday and an Adult Colouring Book and that's to allow me to unwind and concentrate on something else rather than my head space.  It has been ridiculously hot in the late 20s early 30s but without the humidity which feels more bearable.  My chiller has been working overtime and it does the job allowing us to sleep under our pitched roof bedroom.

In many ways things are very gradually getting better.  The business cessation and dissolution is under way and the letters should arrive latest today to the shareholders.  They have the right to object once the notice has been published but quite what they can object to is a moot point as all the Statutory duties required of the business have been followed.

There's one potential objection that can be made but he would have to prove his assertion and no paperwork exists to back it up in fact I have paperwork that refutes it.  

Anyway, given that this is now underway and should be over in a few months, I doubt that there can be anything to hold it up but I've been wrong before and when people act out of emotion rather than logic these things can arise and it is one of the worries I am dealing with but of course it hasn't happened and so I need to check my fearful egoistic brain on that, which, as most of you realise, is the biggest part of my current and past problems!  

Coming to terms with retirement is taking a while longer than I expected I have to say.  I hadn't planned that the business would crash dive quite the way it did, or so quickly but I did everything I could to sort it out.  Anyway, the bottom line of it is that I was expecting to be doing a couple of hours a day and then do "retirement stuff" I just hadn't worked out what that "stuff" comprised of!

It is not going to be an overnight thing either, I need to spend a little time working out what it might be.  I'm living through the shock (we'll call it) of staring at the last phase of my life and I don't like it at all.  It isn't what I expected and I haven't come to terms with it.  That's my assessment of where I am right now.  I am trying to figure out life's new meaning and I am failing miserably at that.  I will get there by my usual dogged manner.  For the moment it is eluding me and there's a lot of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) clouding my judgement, what little there is left of the old INTJ Manager me.  Logic seems to have walked out and taken a break for the moment, perhaps it will return when I ground myself as I go forward.

At least I am sleeping a little better and I am not having so many bad and vicious thoughts.  Slow and very gradual progress though.