Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.

De-Cluttering, Sleep & Sheep

I have decided to get rid of some of my stuff.  It's sat for a minimum of 7 years in boxes, maybe even up to 15 years thinking about it, I am not using them and so what's the point?  I don't know if that is adding or taking away from my "strange" state of mind.  It's clutter and despite a few items being family pieces the other stuff is just not worth leaving lying around gathering dust.

I was woken by the Sheep making a row as mother and baby searched for each other (I guess).  It is an hour, roughly, before I normally get up so that's not too bad and I managed to wake just once and drift back to sleep reasonably quickly so I am pleased with that.  The Sheep are late to the field this year, it's mid June and we normally get them in May or before.

The ongoing brain struggle I know myself is "all in my head" and I need to get back to working on that if I can.  It's tackling that series of thoughts and they are dreads and not rational so my poor old INTJ brain doesn't work well with emotional stuff.  Sometimes the logical approach just doesn't work especially when the thoughts and fears aren't logical.  

And... Back To Square One!

My OH woke at around 4:40 and I ended up going into silly head space territory and melt down and so got up and paced around downstairs!  This period of head problems is not great.  Tearful, short term distressed, worryingly pessimistic and helpless.  It doesn't help that I got a video call from a cousin last night who has just come out of Hospital and there I was facing someone who's been quite ill and looking a bit grey and drawn albeit in good spirits.  

I think that I am facing (or not really) growing old with no enthusiasm at all.  I want to escape but to what I don't really know.  After an hour things have subsided and I feel calm again but it isn't helping at all that I am like this.  Awake at 5 am is OK but I need something to do, something to achieve or, on the other hand, do I?

I plan to do some clearing out today and over the weekend but honestly that may not be enough.  I can clean out all the stuff I don't use and is just lying around but I need to work more on this lack of purpose I currently feel.  

Wrapping the business up must be playing on my mind.  I of course, in reality, shut it down earlier this year and its just a matter of going through the motions now but it must have an effect on things, in the back of my mind.  But it will be good to get rid of it once and for all and it will be good to detach from it too.  

I'm not in the very dark place I was around this time last year.  I should be clear of that but obviously I am not entirely.  

For now I need to struggle on and work through this.  Shades of my father who had a rough time of it and now I must "get a grip" they all say that don't they?  I recognise the problem and I do need to deal with it somehow.  Not sure how yet.I am loathe to do something in a hurry but I need to work on this as soon as I can - it really isn't great.

Improvements - Not Sure How But I Will Take It

 Up just 30 minutes earlier than normal, woke twice but straight back to seep so that's good.  I think the milkman disturbed us around 5.  Partner's car was patched up last night by her son's friend, a mechanic and so crisis averted for now.  It's good when someone who knows what they are doing can get involved.

Last payment to the Company accountant yesterday so that was good and means just a couple more steps to go to wash my hands of all of that too.  It will be a weight off of my mind to have it gone.  I can then send off the notification to the shareholders and that will be that.  I suppose he can complain but if he does, he will not get anywhere as he'd need to come up against people (or rather Institutions) other than me and they'll not entertain his nonsense.  It's up to him, all due process has been followed now.

I have a couple of things to complete and that's that.  I'm working on getting rid of the first lot of things that I have not used in the past 7 or 8 years and that's keeping me busy.  I just need to check whether they can be sent out and then I can pack a trial lot and see how it goes.  If I am not using these things, then someone else can I'd suggest.  If they wish to pay some money for them it save me advertising them and it saves all the other hassle of selling on eBay and Facebook Marketplace etc.

So a good night's sleep, very few "thoughts" whilst that happened and long may that continue to improve! 

Another "Interesting" Night

 Well, the annoying thing was that my partner had her car driven into by a hit and run leaving the back bumper array all smashed up.  A bit like both my Jaq and my Volvo which still bears the scuff marks.  Bigger cars, same tight parking spaces.  That they just collided, don't tell me they didn't know, and then just drove away is typical of today's society.  The car is out of action and so all the things she was due to do this week are now cancelled.

So, once we'd got that sorted out as far as we could I managed to get to sleep fine.  Getting to sleep is OK.  Getting up yes fine and back to sleep but at 5 am it was and as it was quite light I decided not to get up but to try and go back to sleep which I suppose I must have done but it is difficult to know.  I was trying to get thoughts out of my head and just circular breathe to do so.  I cannot have been doing that for 2 and a half hours so must have grabbed some in between sleep. so partly successful I'd say but I am still not doing my usual eight hours through which may be because it is light but I still think it is to do with being unsettled.

This whole retirement, getting old thing is a problem but I am working my way through it as best I can.  Hopefully I will get through it.

Six O'Clock And All's Well?

 Up early once again but slept through just getting up once.  So it's getting a little longer sleep wise but still I'm awake and ready for the day.

Not so much awakening anxiety today though so that's better but then I have started to "do things" like clutter cleaning and doing a bit at a time so that I gradually tackle what's before me.  I grabbed the Nettle and ordered a de-cluttering pack which will allow me to get rid of my stuff.  I feel I have to hold on to things but in reality it is just clutter and can go.  It does me no favours, cannot be used, can't even be looked at etc.  

There's a "What's the point?" to it all too.  I've ordered some tidy workshop boxes too that I can arrange all my workshop stuff into.  That will help me tidy the garage where things have gotten a little out of control.  There's stuff in the garage that I no longer use too and I can just sell those of I'd suggest.  There's a need to tackle things that no longer matter to me.  I've had my use out of them and in fact there's a charity that collects stuff from your doorstep too I've used a couple of times so I will probably do that.

Today - will tackle the car blown fuse and start to make progress on my family history papers that once again, are no longer needed in the format I have them and I can probably spend some time digitizing them and saving to my servers and online backed up.  

It's getting my head around progress and realising that I cannot do it all at once. 

No - Back Up At 5:45

 Ugh, didn't get back to sleep and so got up and came downstairs.  Fighting the bad head stuff yet again.  I know what it is and I realise it isn't in my control and so to that end I have to let it go but of course that's difficult to do.

The way forward though is not easy to sort out either really.  I suppose I just need to get on with my plans for this year and work through them and sometimes it seems easy and at other overwhelming.

The business comes to an end very soon and that really will get that pressure off of me for even though it is dead it isn't gone yet.  A few weeks and that will be it. He can object I suppose but I'm not sure what he can object about in reality.  The business will release all "his" IP and that will be that.  Maybe it is that at the back of my mind but I just don't know.

I am pretty certain that retirement and getting old are having an effect on me too.  I just cannot adjust to it but I know this and so will work through it somehow.  It's the unease I feel at the moment.  

Slept Through - Improvements

 These glitches come and go.  My knee is still painful but only every now and then.  The last two nights I've taken to putting my knee on a pillow which has helped things and last night I managed to only wake three or four times and go back to sleep in a fashion so that the alarm woke me and I hadn't spent up to an hour or two downstairs.

So that's progress, sort of.  Hopefully that will continue.   I completed one set of accounts and in fact two come to think of it.  I need to work on getting them reviewed.  I now need to work on closing the business - that should happen in the next two weeks.  

Then we are sort of clear to get on with retirement. That's not going quite a smoothly as I'd hoped but I am working on it.    

Habit Forming - Up At Six Yet Again

 OH was late and so getting to bed was easy over one and half hours later than normal.  It did not stop me waking with knee pain yet again and getting up at just gone six!  I might try putting my knee / leg on a pillow to see if it helps.  This is an occasional problem caused by a sporting injury a long time ago - 30 years maybe - playing Cricket and my feet stuck on the pitch whilst my body continued going which was painful but I don't get this a lot so have lived with it all these years.  I have a few knee braces that I use which seem to help relieve the problem.

Last week it was around 30 C and hot and humid - we now have quite a cold wet day - I am actually wearing a hoodie over my T Shirt to keep warm - I kid you not!

Tackling my head problems is continuing and I have put the bad thoughts to the back of my mind for now.  I perhaps need to work my way through these.  It's difficult to explain other than the mortality stuff which I kind of get having done my Lasting Power of Attorneys which makes you think about all of this stuff and kicking around funeral plans doesn't help either!  My mother has paid for her funeral and it is an unattended cremation - no one there - we (my brother and I) can decide whether to have a do of some sort but we will not attend a funeral service etc.  Those are her wishes and I respect those.  I understand her decision, not sure my brother does...  Not his choice though is it?

Right as it is a wet and windy day I can sit down and tackle these accounts.  Let's hope I can complete them and get them resolved (for once) these are the ones that no real records existed and that I had to forensically rebuild.  I hate accounts - balance sheets in particular - I understand what they are there for but sometimes it doesn't "balance" and I spend hours trying to see what has happened!  

Not Me This Time - Up With The Lark!

 OH woke around 4 and I got back to sleep but around 6 OH woke again and I was wide awake this time so came downstairs and argued with the Facebook algorithm FFS.  Trying to sell my mother's mobility walker which having been up for a week or so is now deemed to go against community rules??  I don't know either.  So after turning down my review they then deliver me an advert under my (only you can see your post) of the identical thing and then more and more mobility aids.  This is the trouble when you cannot speak to anyone or appeal apart from an AI model.  I still have no idea why - it's not anything contentious surely?

So there you go, something to add to the general levels of madness going on at the moment.  At least some people are beginning to wake up.  Let's hope that they start to do something about it.

Anyway, quite pleased that I got out of the house even if just to do some shopping.  I need to venture a bit further afield and for longer.  At least I feel a lot better this week.

Well, I'm Getting There

 A better night sleep and I finally got up just after 6 because my knee was giving me jip once again.  It seems to have settled a bit but I might do some more Deep Heat shortly to see if that will assist.

Many of the thoughts are gone now and so I am pleased about that.  Sleep was 6 hours followed by an hour and then awake properly.  This is a lot better and I was able to blank my mind which is helpful I find.

So, here I am, sat at my desk the rain is intermittent and so I am working out what to do indoors.  I know what I should do but I am just working out whether I want to actually start it :-) There's a lot of heavy brain work involved and I need to be sharp for that as it is figures that require my attention.  Another coffee and I'll make a start.

It is still strange being retired.  This morning I got the last set of company accounts signed off and I am ready now to close the business down next week.  Hurrah!  That can then be consigned to history.  Hopefully, that will also rid me of nonsense that was going on and it can all be put to rest and shut down.   

Better I Suppose

 Still fighting my brain at night but not as much - I'd almost fallen asleep when my head decided to remind me of the awful video that had been published on the murder of young Henry Nowak and if you've seen it, it is pretty disturbing indeed.  I managed to switch off the horrific scene and got a few hours sleep and then a few more and around 5 my brain was wanting to start looking at all the projects to do in and around the house.  A short work out on breathing and I got another hour and half sleep.

I have some work to do in terms of accounts which are dependent on the weather - we finally had some rain last night with a bit of thunder and lightning and we might have more - no one can accurately say, like the storm in the late afternoon yesterday we had two hours notice.

I think that I can spend a bit of time sorting out finances too which will be good.  Mundane stuff but I need to build on these tasks and climb back to being normal (yes I know that's subjective) me!!

Better Night's Sleep

 OK that was a little better - it is much cooler and the rain woke me up a couple of times but I fell back to sleep well enough.  Only at around 5 did I hit the mind alive again which is me all over once I am awake my mind goes into some sort of parallel computing mode.  This time though I did my breathing exercises and was rewarded with another 2 hours sleep and and a strange dream escaping a volcano somewhere abroad and getting everyone together and out of the building!  

Today is finance day so I am sorting out bills, credit cards and so on.  Once that is done I will move on to getting some accounts moving.  I see that I have done some of the account but there are a few gaps so that is the next thing then cross referencing checks.

I feel OK ish today albeit a friend has passed away who has been ill for a long time.  My mind is sort of preoccupied with mortality at the moment after seeing my mum and then completing my LPAs and so on.  

At least I am not in the very low place I was in a few weeks ago or that I was in last year.  Adjusting to this aimless retirement is taking some getting used to.