The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!

Great To Get Out - Diary Mishap And The Journey From Hell

 We went and walked some miniature Donkeys yesterday, the journey there was good and we had a lovely time walking the Donkeys and feeding Chickens, Llamas and wandering around an Orchard full of tame animals. Walking the Donkeys was the calm I needed but travelling home was a nightmare as the SatNav took us on some back routes and incorrectly launched me on the detour from hell!  We half recovered only to find it sent me off somewhere I didn't want to be and then took another crazy turn in and around trying to access a Motorway!  Crazy stuff.

I had realised that I wasn't about to meet an appointment I had so sent a message only to say that I'd got the date wrong and that it was next week!  

To cheer me up I made a sale on eBay which is great and I've just prepared that to go tomorrow!  Royal Fail (Mail) missed us the day before even though we were in the house.  They then asked where they could leave the parcel if we weren't in.  Crazily after I'd filled in the where to leave my parcel with full details of where our Parcel Box is located - you can't miss it if you turn around from the door it's right there!!.  No, they left it with a neighbour which meant I had to go and collect from her, she's a nice lady but I apologised and explained that they'd completely missed the parcel box I'd specifically placed by the front door with "PARCEL BOX" actually written on it!  Doh!

So I was feeling a bit better than I have been.  The parcel of loads of my old bits goes off later today and who knows, maybe it will be worth something, maybe not.  Sleep wan't too bad - I woke when the garden light came on and when the milkman arrived around 3 am and slept through until OH got up around 6:15.  I need to get my Paul McKenna stuff together as I am using some of his relaxing strategies to sleep and it is beginning to work quite well.  

Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.

De-Cluttering, Sleep & Sheep

I have decided to get rid of some of my stuff.  It's sat for a minimum of 7 years in boxes, maybe even up to 15 years thinking about it, I am not using them and so what's the point?  I don't know if that is adding or taking away from my "strange" state of mind.  It's clutter and despite a few items being family pieces the other stuff is just not worth leaving lying around gathering dust.

I was woken by the Sheep making a row as mother and baby searched for each other (I guess).  It is an hour, roughly, before I normally get up so that's not too bad and I managed to wake just once and drift back to sleep reasonably quickly so I am pleased with that.  The Sheep are late to the field this year, it's mid June and we normally get them in May or before.

The ongoing brain struggle I know myself is "all in my head" and I need to get back to working on that if I can.  It's tackling that series of thoughts and they are dreads and not rational so my poor old INTJ brain doesn't work well with emotional stuff.  Sometimes the logical approach just doesn't work especially when the thoughts and fears aren't logical.  

And... Back To Square One!

My OH woke at around 4:40 and I ended up going into silly head space territory and melt down and so got up and paced around downstairs!  This period of head problems is not great.  Tearful, short term distressed, worryingly pessimistic and helpless.  It doesn't help that I got a video call from a cousin last night who has just come out of Hospital and there I was facing someone who's been quite ill and looking a bit grey and drawn albeit in good spirits.  

I think that I am facing (or not really) growing old with no enthusiasm at all.  I want to escape but to what I don't really know.  After an hour things have subsided and I feel calm again but it isn't helping at all that I am like this.  Awake at 5 am is OK but I need something to do, something to achieve or, on the other hand, do I?

I plan to do some clearing out today and over the weekend but honestly that may not be enough.  I can clean out all the stuff I don't use and is just lying around but I need to work more on this lack of purpose I currently feel.  

Wrapping the business up must be playing on my mind.  I of course, in reality, shut it down earlier this year and its just a matter of going through the motions now but it must have an effect on things, in the back of my mind.  But it will be good to get rid of it once and for all and it will be good to detach from it too.  

I'm not in the very dark place I was around this time last year.  I should be clear of that but obviously I am not entirely.  

For now I need to struggle on and work through this.  Shades of my father who had a rough time of it and now I must "get a grip" they all say that don't they?  I recognise the problem and I do need to deal with it somehow.  Not sure how yet.I am loathe to do something in a hurry but I need to work on this as soon as I can - it really isn't great.

Improvements - Not Sure How But I Will Take It

 Up just 30 minutes earlier than normal, woke twice but straight back to seep so that's good.  I think the milkman disturbed us around 5.  Partner's car was patched up last night by her son's friend, a mechanic and so crisis averted for now.  It's good when someone who knows what they are doing can get involved.

Last payment to the Company accountant yesterday so that was good and means just a couple more steps to go to wash my hands of all of that too.  It will be a weight off of my mind to have it gone.  I can then send off the notification to the shareholders and that will be that.  I suppose he can complain but if he does, he will not get anywhere as he'd need to come up against people (or rather Institutions) other than me and they'll not entertain his nonsense.  It's up to him, all due process has been followed now.

I have a couple of things to complete and that's that.  I'm working on getting rid of the first lot of things that I have not used in the past 7 or 8 years and that's keeping me busy.  I just need to check whether they can be sent out and then I can pack a trial lot and see how it goes.  If I am not using these things, then someone else can I'd suggest.  If they wish to pay some money for them it save me advertising them and it saves all the other hassle of selling on eBay and Facebook Marketplace etc.

So a good night's sleep, very few "thoughts" whilst that happened and long may that continue to improve! 

Another "Interesting" Night

 Well, the annoying thing was that my partner had her car driven into by a hit and run leaving the back bumper array all smashed up.  A bit like both my Jaq and my Volvo which still bears the scuff marks.  Bigger cars, same tight parking spaces.  That they just collided, don't tell me they didn't know, and then just drove away is typical of today's society.  The car is out of action and so all the things she was due to do this week are now cancelled.

So, once we'd got that sorted out as far as we could I managed to get to sleep fine.  Getting to sleep is OK.  Getting up yes fine and back to sleep but at 5 am it was and as it was quite light I decided not to get up but to try and go back to sleep which I suppose I must have done but it is difficult to know.  I was trying to get thoughts out of my head and just circular breathe to do so.  I cannot have been doing that for 2 and a half hours so must have grabbed some in between sleep. so partly successful I'd say but I am still not doing my usual eight hours through which may be because it is light but I still think it is to do with being unsettled.

This whole retirement, getting old thing is a problem but I am working my way through it as best I can.  Hopefully I will get through it.

Six O'Clock And All's Well?

 Up early once again but slept through just getting up once.  So it's getting a little longer sleep wise but still I'm awake and ready for the day.

Not so much awakening anxiety today though so that's better but then I have started to "do things" like clutter cleaning and doing a bit at a time so that I gradually tackle what's before me.  I grabbed the Nettle and ordered a de-cluttering pack which will allow me to get rid of my stuff.  I feel I have to hold on to things but in reality it is just clutter and can go.  It does me no favours, cannot be used, can't even be looked at etc.  

There's a "What's the point?" to it all too.  I've ordered some tidy workshop boxes too that I can arrange all my workshop stuff into.  That will help me tidy the garage where things have gotten a little out of control.  There's stuff in the garage that I no longer use too and I can just sell those of I'd suggest.  There's a need to tackle things that no longer matter to me.  I've had my use out of them and in fact there's a charity that collects stuff from your doorstep too I've used a couple of times so I will probably do that.

Today - will tackle the car blown fuse and start to make progress on my family history papers that once again, are no longer needed in the format I have them and I can probably spend some time digitizing them and saving to my servers and online backed up.  

It's getting my head around progress and realising that I cannot do it all at once. 

No - Back Up At 5:45

 Ugh, didn't get back to sleep and so got up and came downstairs.  Fighting the bad head stuff yet again.  I know what it is and I realise it isn't in my control and so to that end I have to let it go but of course that's difficult to do.

The way forward though is not easy to sort out either really.  I suppose I just need to get on with my plans for this year and work through them and sometimes it seems easy and at other overwhelming.

The business comes to an end very soon and that really will get that pressure off of me for even though it is dead it isn't gone yet.  A few weeks and that will be it. He can object I suppose but I'm not sure what he can object about in reality.  The business will release all "his" IP and that will be that.  Maybe it is that at the back of my mind but I just don't know.

I am pretty certain that retirement and getting old are having an effect on me too.  I just cannot adjust to it but I know this and so will work through it somehow.  It's the unease I feel at the moment.  

Slept Through - Improvements

 These glitches come and go.  My knee is still painful but only every now and then.  The last two nights I've taken to putting my knee on a pillow which has helped things and last night I managed to only wake three or four times and go back to sleep in a fashion so that the alarm woke me and I hadn't spent up to an hour or two downstairs.

So that's progress, sort of.  Hopefully that will continue.   I completed one set of accounts and in fact two come to think of it.  I need to work on getting them reviewed.  I now need to work on closing the business - that should happen in the next two weeks.  

Then we are sort of clear to get on with retirement. That's not going quite a smoothly as I'd hoped but I am working on it.    

Habit Forming - Up At Six Yet Again

 OH was late and so getting to bed was easy over one and half hours later than normal.  It did not stop me waking with knee pain yet again and getting up at just gone six!  I might try putting my knee / leg on a pillow to see if it helps.  This is an occasional problem caused by a sporting injury a long time ago - 30 years maybe - playing Cricket and my feet stuck on the pitch whilst my body continued going which was painful but I don't get this a lot so have lived with it all these years.  I have a few knee braces that I use which seem to help relieve the problem.

Last week it was around 30 C and hot and humid - we now have quite a cold wet day - I am actually wearing a hoodie over my T Shirt to keep warm - I kid you not!

Tackling my head problems is continuing and I have put the bad thoughts to the back of my mind for now.  I perhaps need to work my way through these.  It's difficult to explain other than the mortality stuff which I kind of get having done my Lasting Power of Attorneys which makes you think about all of this stuff and kicking around funeral plans doesn't help either!  My mother has paid for her funeral and it is an unattended cremation - no one there - we (my brother and I) can decide whether to have a do of some sort but we will not attend a funeral service etc.  Those are her wishes and I respect those.  I understand her decision, not sure my brother does...  Not his choice though is it?

Right as it is a wet and windy day I can sit down and tackle these accounts.  Let's hope I can complete them and get them resolved (for once) these are the ones that no real records existed and that I had to forensically rebuild.  I hate accounts - balance sheets in particular - I understand what they are there for but sometimes it doesn't "balance" and I spend hours trying to see what has happened!