Never Easy The Ups and Downs Continue

 Sleep continues to be hit and miss.  I had been up early for our grandson's days with us and so that's OK.  He went out with his Granny and I stayed back at the hose, sat down and promptly had a few dozes.  Out of nowhere boom, asleep.  This morning I am up just before 6 with OH getting up and waking me and I was suddenly wide awake and could not switch off.  It had also been a little more humid and warm than I thought and so that didn't help.

What was nice was to come down and after hearing the rain during the night smell the freshness of the rain as I opened the door.  We haven't had any meaningful rain in weeks, perhaps months and so this is welcome.  It's not a lot but it really doe feel good.

Both of us are covered in insect bites that are pretty nasty requiring plenty of cream and histamine (or is it anti histamine) tablets to tackle the itching and the way the body has responded to the bites, angry raised heads and large red patches!

I'll get out  today to the local shops and do some house keeping returning goods. perhaps I will get a little shopping in as well whilst I am there.  It will be nice going out in a bearable temperature perhaps as much as 15C lower then this time last week.  

I must though work on my sleep.  I dislike sleeping pills.  I've had them when in Hospital but the drowsiness meant I've steered clear ever since.  I doubt that is the answer and I think the heat and being inactive don't help as I haven't been working either with my mind or my body.  Maybe something to investigate as I struggle with retirement and no longer working mentally on the business side of things?

Sleep, Mood And General Update

 I cannot say that I am a lot better than I was but certainly nowhere near as bad as I was a few weeks ago.  Have my new glasses made a difference?  Probably as I can now see and read again but getting used to the new prescription in terms of close work and reading is taking a bit of time.

I managed to sleep through to the alarm this morning albeit it was an early alarm for looking after grandson.  However, not to be scoffed at as I managed just to wake once and got back to sleep with 15 minutes I'd say.  So an improvement.  The heat of the past few weeks / months has gone and we are back to around 25C which is actually quite comfortable and it looks as if we will have a few wet days to come which will actually be an interesting phenomenon as we have had (as far as I know) just the one or two showers in the past 6 to 8 weeks.  The humidity will also come down I understand so that too will be welcome. 

I am still up and down though and need to work on that and my shaking hand which is worrying.  I noticed it last year but apparently it's nothing to worry about, just old age!

I can probably also get back indoors and tidy my desk up too which really needs some TLC.  The heat has made it only possible to be in here in the early morning really.  So I am feeling a bit better but now need to "pull myself together" as the phrase goes. 

Whew - Temperature Down, Humidity Up

 It is early around 6 in the morning and I managed to sleep through which is great.  It's misty outside and very humid indoors but hopefully much cooler when I ope up the house. 

I have a journey to do soon to drop OH and her friend off to a railway station and then go on to see my mum.  It was kind of dropped on me but let's see if the visitor's room is available?  If it isn't it could be costly!

 I'm feeling OK today, a little nostalgic as someone posted a photo and in it are my old flat mate and some other friends and my friend's wife.  She and I were platonic friends and I have a lovely photo of her and I atop the Eiffel Tower in our late youth or early twenties.  Funny how you drift away over the years.  We have reconnected on Facebook which is nice.

I suppose with all my head weirdness going on at the moment it reignites memories of those days and I am not certain if that is actually helpful or not?  Be that as it may it was lovely to see a photo of her in particular and perhaps the true feelings I had for her surfaced for a moment.  In my imagination I dreamt that we met and she looked at me closely in the eyes and asked "How long?" (had I held these feelings) and I responded "All of my life" - not known for my sentimentality it surprised me that I thought that and yet I can apply it to three of my close (girl) friends.  I am still in touch with them all.  We were good friends back then but they were in other relationships.  I'd known them all from school and hung around with them - I was also very quiet and shy back then.

Anyway, nostalgia indeed. It could have all turned out differently as they say.  

Well Hopefully The Last Of The Hot Nights

 Hot nights means a different thing these days.  It was hot and my cooler did well to keep blowing cold air last night.  Not A/C which, perhaps, we should invest in  

The Government used the alert system on lots of peoples phones yesterday scaring a lot of them.  I turned mine off when they first suggested it so I only heard it on the live Cricket commentary going off with the commentators and also the crowd.

Were they warning about invasion or some such?  No they were telling everyone it is hot and to not use disposable BBQs.  Socialism.  Agreed though that people have always been terminally stupid when it comes to such things.  The country is a tinderbox at the moment and so leaving a BBQ unattended or having a bonfire and not expecting the sparks to set something alight are in the gift of the stupid.

Up a little early but not too bad and I hope that we soon will return to a relatively normal weather pastern.

Here is something that was posted yesterday about the 1976 heatwave. I remember some of it but the mind seems to forget some of the details.  The invasion of Ladybirds I remember well as I was working in an air intake area for a large bank and so nice and cool as the air came into the building but of course, the ladybirds came in with it.  Ladybirds means something quite different these days LOL.  

1976 - Hot As You Like!!! 

 - 

Aches & Pains But Nowt Broken - Lucky

 Yes, lucky as I didn't have any control over the fall and so it's mainly light bruises, scrapes and slightly pulled muscles!  Add to that the hottest day of the year so far we recorded 37 C here and it was a strange old day.  I got bitten again by some Gnat/Mozzie or whatever but my poor OH has been bitten multiple times and had to get to the pharmacist to get something for it.  She won't let me spray a few of the rooms for her.

The cooler works nicely in this weather but I am considering A/C again, they are all sold out of course :-) The one I'd like is not available at the moment but perhaps it is an Autumn project rather than trying to do it now?

Another hot day on the cards today and I am up about an hour early this morning, woke just once and slept through which is pretty good even in this heat.

Feeling OK about things at present. It's too hot to actually do anything.  Changing the bed sheets was a relay with OH stripping the bed and me making it late in the evening.  As we live in the pitched roof the heat can really build up! 

Lots of deliveries delayed from yesterday and Wednesday too which will hopefully arrive today for a few projects.  Keeping busy is helping but the heat isn't helping of course!   

Falling Over - Lucky Not To Have Broken Something I guess

 So yesterday was the day we tackled the Wisteria that had grown rampant and invaded our roof, blocking light from the windows and I managed to get up the steps and pull it down then clip it as best as I could.  Getting some sort of insect bite for my troubles to add to the other recent ones!  Right on my side just above the waistline.

The steps were a little rickety but I wasn't taking any chances with them and did everything in as safe a manner as I could.  I got inside and cooked by breakfast/lunch on'y for my chair to collapse and throw me backwards as the left leg collapsed.  I didn't break anything apart from the chair and it did hurt - a scrape across my arm and this morning of course, aching legs and arms, left shoulder and collarbone feel bruised and my waist feels like I've done something to that as well.  At least I didn't break anything I guess.

An evening interrupted by the eclipse and many people in the field next to us watching it - it started around 6 pm so the sun was low in the sky anyway and we were lucky in as much as we have a Balcony so could see it longer.  Some idiot had his dog off the lead in a field full of sheep!  What is wrong with people?  Luckily he managed to call it back and with the risks of wildfires raised through the drought managed to have a smoke (or it looked like it it may have been a vape).  Sometimes you wonder how people like that managed to live into adulthood?  We've lost our connection to common sense.

Up a little early around 6 and my daughter travelling abroad received our electronic cards for her birthday. She is on a world wide trip and is currently working her way through Canada down to the USA.  

It is going to be very hot today up in the high 30s and so that is going to take some getting used to.  I've been hotter when I was in France many years ago and Spain too but this is exceptional for the UK I have to say and indeed the whole of Europe.  What it does do, if expose the media for their doom mongering, catastrophic headlines, but I suppose if they were to change their click bait, headline grabbing and, let's face it, money making narrative, they'd go out of business.  I doubt any of them would make money if they were to only report good news?

I need to get off to somewhere a little cooler than my office for sure.  I'm aching all over the place at the moment too which makes me go ouch whenever I climb or descend the stairs or sit or get up!  Poor old bloke!  But at least nothing is broken.   

Leg Cramp - That Got My Attention

 I don't know why as I haven't had leg cramp for a while at least not as ferocious as this morning's.  But I suppose it was a warm night and the cooler was blowing on me plus I took my Magnesium and Potassium late just before bed maybe?  Who knows?  It certainly got my attention and it's the sort of one that reminds you for some hours that you've had it.  As I say it has been a long time since that has happened.

Sleep was very good only waking once during the night and managing to get back to sleep reasonably quickly and of course woken about 30 minutes earlier than normal with the cramp in my lower calf muscle!

It is very warm and today has a potential to be in the 30 C region.  I think we are now used to it which of course if what you'd expect.  The newspapers and media in general of course think the world is suffering record this or that, on fire, boiling and so on.  A review through the archives will tell you it is no such thing but they have to sell papers and advertising and selling doom and gloom is their primary raison d'etre after all.  At least it isn't an Omega blocking so that's good.  It does curtail outdoor projects though and so I am stuck inside or do work, as this morning, before the heat builds.  Work required to stop the Wisteria taking over the roof of my house! 

I'm feeling a lot better but still have to combat these stupid voices in my head which as long as I catch them, can be controlled before they spread and do damage.  It's not falling for them that's the way forward. I am also limiting how much"news" I consume.  Much as I like some programmes I am avoiding them as all the news is downbeat and bad.  That just makes my mood bad too.  

 

A Little Better Sleep Gradually Getting There

 A good night's sleep and up just gone 6 so that is a bit better than it has been.  It's still not quite where it was and my head is still full of rubbish and problems that aren't but I am controlling those now.

The weather doesn't help as it is so hot that physical work really is difficult and sapping so confined to small chores leaves me a little frustrated but accepting this inevitable slow down in activity is a difficult thing to do.  Ageing, retirement, loss of purpose and the like are taking some getting used to for sure.  

I kind of hate it at the moment as you start to lose what you thought made you you if that makes sense?  You have to roll with these I guess?  Difficult as I'd thought I'd recovered from the major changes in my life and here I am again, more changes, things not in my control again too.

Of course, some things are in my control though, it is finding what they are and making the change to those that is necessary.

Life feels unbalanced and I flip flop between being OK with it and not.  My mind is not helping either and even now the pain body and ego are trying to make me miserable which I am fighting.  Knowing this is good I suppose?  They need to be suppressed as much as possible or identified and stopped before they do more damage over imagined problems.

A Short Break With Mixed Results

 So I organised a short break which went OK ish I suppose.  One of the main improvements was my sleep which, after a bit of a wobble to start with, has improved.  I really didn't want to go but we went anyway and after some confusion about what room we were in, we ended up in the room I'd booked (apparently) and there was something that I obviously didn't like about it and I guess it was because it wasn't as bright as the room that we had first gone in because they had lost the key!  It was a little dark and it somehow just slightly freaked me out - but it was OK in the end.

We went out for a meal at the local pub and walked along the coast and so when we arrived back at the Hotel I was a little strange about going to bed but setting a fan up (it's been very hot these past few months), I slept through with just one interruption.  That has continued up until this morning.  Slept through until the alarm went but I'm up early this morning as OH is going out and so 45 minutes earlier than normal and just a few minor interruptions.

It may not seem a lot but it is a result.  Let's hope it continues as it makes a big difference to my state of mind at the moment.  I still had a few anxiety attacks especially on the last day when I heard a few more residents in the Hotel and suddenly I had to get out of the room and go and stand outside for a while.

So I am feeling a lot better for going away for a few days.  Let me see how I progress this week.  Once again though, it is so hot as to make doing anything physical quite difficult.  

I Cannot Be Ars*d To Do What I Know I Should Do

 I suppose retirement allows you not to do something as well as allowing you to just ignore chores!  Sometimes though I just cannot bring myself around to doing what I should do..

It seems the height of laziness but honestly in the heat we've been having it really is too oppressive to work.  

Talking of heat it was really hot yesterday and I took myself on a 45 minutes (each way) walk to get my new glasses.  They are really good but took a lot of getting  used to as my prescription has changed a lot.  It did feel strange walking back with them on.  I really felt it when I got home and needed a long sit down.

Getting used to the glasses was strange, things looked quite different but this morning they lare working a treat.  The bad news is that overnight I have been bitten (again) and this time it is right on my knuckles causing one of my fingers to swell.  I've put some cream on and will take a histamine (or is it anti histamine) and see if that solves the swelling. Being on the knuckle every time you bend your finger it is painful.

That's all for now, we are off for a few days and hopefully it will improve my demeanour.

Not Quite Right - Am I Expecting Anyone To Notice

 Only my OH knows that I'm having these troubles and she was "surprised" this morning when I said I wasn't really feeling great about things as we woke up early from another hot night's sleep.  I think that we are getting accustomed to sleeping during this heatwave but we were up about an hour early. 

Of course I'm dealing with this alone but via this blog and I tell my OH some but not all, holding back in case I let out too much at once.  That's also a problem because there are many things going on but whether or not it is the root cause(s) remains to be seen.  The "thoughts" are so wide and varied as to defy any real logic and I tend to be careful about what I say and when.

My mother sort of gets my changing circumstances but I'm not overloading her with the issues I am trying to address.  Another friend passed away a few days ago and I'm drawn back to the contemplation of mortality too.  

Anyway, it's the grandson's birthday today so we will be having a bit of fun later and I am taking them away for a few days so you may not hear from me for a few days which will hopefully be good for your health too :-) 

Working Through It

 Someone I know (a bit) has posted on Facebook that they've had mental health problems and are diagnosed and receiving treatment etc.  I'm not sure if that would work for me but hey, I do this blog right?  

My problems are a little more temperamental they come and go and I pretty much understand why but I cannot always tackle them in a meaningful way and then they go away and then return and it's all very annoying. I think I need to get out more and I need to build my post retirement life.  There's other stuff too and I am not sure how I tackle that at the moment.  Perhaps a bit of counselling might be the answer whereas anti-depressants I am not so sure about.  I know my father had them and I've only had a very short course 20 years ago when I was going to see the specialist about my suspected Bladder Cancer.  I needed them to get through the door!

I always felt that the aftershocks of the diagnosis and the treatment were a type of PTSD as you are treated for the cancer in a matter of fact way but not for the impact it has on your mind.  Looking way back you can see that it did have an impact and it was quite big I'd say.  I wonder if this is also a recurrence of that?

A View Along The Lane Away From The House

View Towards The Oast Houses And Barns

With My Back Towards The House.  Looking Across the Lane Towards The Fields And Woods

You Never Know What You Will Find.  Here A Seat With A Hole In It And A Hoop Earing

The View Toward The House Across The Sheep Field

Two minutes from my house is this area.  There are similar areas all within Ten minutes and I have been making myself walk out and just be quiet in them.  This is the footpath that leads from the little enclave of houses in our road down to the big field and then through the woods and leads to a farm.  The other is a field of small trees, Oak and the like which you can just walk into along a footpath and just stand in the middle of.  I am trying to do this more often and walk for further each time.  I need to appreciate where I live more.  It is right in the middle of this countryside.  I posted this on Instagram with Sting's Fields of gold playing.  

It's part of feeling better about myself and reconnecting.  This retirement malarkey has got me down for sure.  The house too and it is in my hands to dig my way out and enjoy it whilst I can.

Two Steps Back

 Do you ever feel that?  I was doing well and then out of nowhere, awake at silly O'Clock and whilst I managed to doze a bit my OH got up and was moving about and finally around 5:20 my knee gave me some jip and I got up and came downstairs angry with myself for not trying harder to get back to sleep.

I want to go away for a few days for our grandson's birthday and I've lined it up awaiting agreement this morning and now, I don't want to go.  Silly reasons, I cannot drive at the moment so I am not in control (I guess), the heat overnight but this is on the coast where it is cooler, claustrophobia in a car with no A/C - first world problems eh?  

Yesterday I found out one of my Lodge friends died, just 75 after having been ill for some time.  He had been ill, recovered and suddenly relapsed, bless him.  Additionally 3 of our widows (of members) also passed in the last week!  That hasn't lifted my mood much either.  I go from OK to over thinking in phases and perhaps two or three times a day.  Now, I'm fine, half an hour ago I was in dread and worried.  You know that you cannot worry about something that hasn't happened and when you apply that logic it goes away.

My mind hovers as well, it drops the "I don't want to be here" idea into everyday and I then have to dig my way out of that.  It's just the ego and pain body, I know that but it is so destructive I find.  It's not even real but it takes over and it only needs an unguarded moment and your sleep will not come and the worry and bad thoughts kick in and of course, that's what the pain body wants.  It makes me lethargic in mind and body.  

Try as I might, this hot weather makes it difficult to work outside (and in) much as I think that would help me.  My new glasses cannot come soon enough as I am struggling with my eyesight and I'm not allowed to drive using my old prescription.  It's lucky that I went and got checked out albeit the oncoming cataract doesn't fill me with joy.  I guess it will be what it will be and I'm told it's a routine procedure.  

So there we have it.  The ups and downs of my life as it is at the moment.  Lots of reasons and I just need to work through it all.  Therapy might be a way forward and yet I know that I already know where I am but perhaps getting away from self diagnosis and running a short course might do the trick.  There's a fight going on in my head too that kind of knows what to do but is too damn lazy to do it.  Good versus evil LOL.  

Up Early Again - Last Of The Hot Nights?

 I hope so, sleeping is generally OK again, going to sleep that is, but my knee started playing up at around 5:40 and I had to get up - blowing cold air on your body overnight doesn't agree with it obviously.

I feel slightly as if I have taken a backward step this morning but I can deal with that I think.  The pain body certainly likes to give some jip.  

It is certainly a matter of tackling the negative thoughts and working on the good things. Let's see how the day goes - it is much cooler outside and so that is a start.