Horrendous Day And Night Too

 I was in a very dark mood yesterday, very dark indeed.  I think it all started OK but just deteriorated into a bad series of just not knowing what to do with myself.  It was just awful, a series of angry episodes, then sad, then manic resulting in me walking up and down the garden path to get some air or try and overcome them.  

It wasn't helped by the OK announcing that her son and grandson were coming for dinner either as I'd got food out but there wasn't enough for 4 of us so I did it for 3 and sorted myself out later - as they also ate earlier than I normally do.

Then at 3 this morning I heard OH call out and got to her in time for her to pass out on me - it looks like food poisoning and after an hour or so of helping her through it all she managed to get back to bed and is sleeping.  It was very frightening as I was able to keep her from falling but you know how difficult it is to hold on to someone in a dead faint.  Anyway, I managed to get her tidied up and sorted out.  It isn't nice at all especially for her of course.  She had to do that for me some years ago.  I'm certain that I had a contaminated salad (twice) I think a mouse dropping first time and bird dropping the second time.  I was seriously not well, so much so that we needed an Ambulance and a Paramedic for me.  

It was close last night I have to say especially if she had passed out a few more times than just the once.  So I got little sleep for maybe and hour and a half but eventually manage some and I am awake around an hour before 'normal'.

Concentrating on her will mean that I won't have time to dwell on anything that is troubling me. 

Switching Off - So Difficult At The Moment

 I struggle with all sorts of things at the moment.  I woke around 4 and managed some fitful sleep for a few hours but then woke up and just needed to get up.  It was not too early but my head was full of stuff.  Problems, state of the world, catastrophising again.  

The problem with this is that everything looks like a problem. It leads to short anxiety attacks for example there was an advert of someone having a haircut and I got a feeling of trapped in claustrophobia and have to turn it off!  It is irrational and I know that but I just cannot get this stuff out of my head at the moment.  I can for short periods do it but right now, it seems like I cannot shake it off. 

I'll be OK in an hour or so I think but for how long?  It is giving me problems and of course, it compounds itself, the more you focus on trying to sort it out the more you pile on the problems.  Perhaps I need that full break from things for a while.  Isolate myself from social media, news, TV etc.  I know the answers to all of this - but there always an excuse not to do something about it and hope it goes away.  The unfortunate thing is it doesn't go away or not for long.  

I will tackle this but I have to get out of where I am.  Where I am? Old age has just hit me like a sledge hammer and I wasn't expecting it.  

Is This It? What's It All About

 Another strange morning.  I slept reasonably well but had the urge to get up about an hour earlier than normal it had been a humid night and I just needed to get up as I felt the arising in my mind of problems that aren't problems.

My mind is a mixture of things.  Mortality is playing on my mind a lot at the moment and for me, there's a gap in  my head about what to do next.  I am free of the business but that was the thing that I had been working on for a long time and it's gone abruptly and not in a good way.  Annoyingly, whilst I made an exit plan for that I did not make one for myself and ripping that "purpose" away inevitably leaves a gaping hole in my life and I realised that all the other things I did, I gave up for the business.  Fat reward I got for that!

So there's nothing at the moment to grasp on to and plans, such as they were, no longer exist.  It's a vacuum and in there the doubts arise and the life you thought you had isn't anything like the life you actually have now.  It's all very unnerving for me and I am really struggling with that.

I understand that you can work your way through this but at the moment, it doesn't feel like that at all.  It feels like a "no hope" scenario but deep down I know that is not the case and that I need to work through this.  It isn't as bad as a month or two back when it truly was dark times.  I should be pleased with progress and that I have cut out the beer and can see real progress in weight loss etc.

I need to do a bit more to get out and about a bit more but it is easier to sit here and wallow in mire of my dark periods.  I hope to get out of this in time and get back to living in the present, in the now but it is not easy to do so right now.  Perhaps I know the answer but I am not prepared to accept it?  Who knows? I certainly don't at the moment.  

Intermittent Wobbles - I Suppose It's Something Better?

 I feel better than I did some weeks back and I'm getting better sleep with less interruptions and if I do wake I can get back to sleep relatively quickly, at least better than it has been.  But I am having these strange moments now, anxiety attacks which of course are future or forward looking things as opposed to right here, right now stuff.  

The worst of it is my claustrophobia which kicks in just thinking about going out somewhere or the unknown.  If I do (something) will it be packed, too hot, make me breathless and so on.  I've had it for years and how on earth I travelled by train so often I don't know other than I used to go to work and leave work early to avoid the rush hour.  I'd wait for an hour or two before getting on a packed train.  I hated it.

So now, I am feeling hesitant about going out in case I get too hot or too claustrophobic.  It's an irrational fear I know but tell that to my head!  I think I need to get it sorted out again although I never really sorted it out before - I just rode through it. It seems to be that all I really want to do is stay home and not go out at all.  I know!  I need to do something about it and I will but I am not sure what.  

It seems that I have lots of "problems" at the moment and I suppose its all the stuff going on and retirement kicking in and biting, mortality thoughts and so on.  Suddenly I am old and it crept up on me and just presented me with a grey old bloke looking back at me from the mirror!  I remember when I was a teenager, just starting work and the old boy I was working with who'd fought through WW2 and was almost retirement age was up a pair of steps putting up a light fitting and coughing and wheezing looked at me and said "Don't ever get old!"  I can see what he meant.  He did however, set in my mind not to carry on working on site and I got into the office as soon as I was able.  

  

Normality? Well Appearing For One Night Only! LOL

 I managed to wake up around 4 am with my knee throbbing away and a brief walk to and from the bathroom seemed to fix it and then at 6:30 it woke me up and I decided to get up, stick a knee brace on and come downstairs.  Actually 06:30 isn't so bad in reality just an hour before my 'usual' so it's not lying awake for hours or bad thoughts but my knee has been bad for years but not in any meaningful way.  The last time it was bad was July a couple of months ago and it hasn't bothered me since.

No doubt another benefit of getting old although the damage was done around 1994/5 if I remember properly.  Cricket that I shouldn't have been involved in and got press-ganged into.  It didn't feel bad at the time but I ended up having around 6 weeks where I was driven to and from work in Canary Wharf, London.  Hobbled into the building, up to 11th floor and then worked there all day and then hobbled back out to my waiting car for the journey home.

It's OK at the moment, I've put some freezing stuff on and a brace over so let's hope that sorts it out.

Better Again - 'Normality' Returns But For How Long

 I say normality but what is normal?  It's probably like yesterday  after I had come downstairs and written here I went out to bring in some bins and noticed a lot of animal excrement on the roads.  So asking AI (as you do) it reckoned it was either Roe Deer or Rabbit droppings.  WRONG!  it was in fact, as caught on our door camera, sheep and quite a lot of them in the lane.  Not sure how that happened or what caused it but it had all happened and finished by the time I got down here so perhaps 15 minutes beforehand - so probably what woke me I guess. 

Anyhow, OH had checked the camera and I reviewed it this morning.

I did well and got up with the alarm - at one time I didn't think I would as OH disturbed me but yes, got back to sleep even though it was light and feel good for that.

Two weeks without beer is also making inroads and I've lost a fair bit of weight, I'd guess half a stone if not more and I need to keep that going as long as I can.  So progress is being made, the dark gloom is lifting and the sleep patterns are improving, my weight is dropping and I do feel a lot better than I have for some time.  

There's still a lot to do and a way to go but I am certain we will get there.  

Dawns Another Day Better Again

 Yes, that's pleasing, up a little later than I have been, not quite alarm time but for 30 minutes I am not worrying.  It's interesting that I woke only once when the OH came back to bed and I was able to go to sleep OK after that.

What is interesting (maybe only to me) is the difference in my state of mind in just a few weeks.  It is markedly different, A change in diet, approach and actually getting active and no beers too seem to have done the trick.  I've lost weight too, my mind is a bit sharper as well.  By that I mean that I have a clearer mind, I am not swelling on strange stuff although yesterday was a little strange as I found an envelope and in it were letters from old girlfriends which were interesting and very touching in many ways.  I wonder what to do with these as they are personal and some quite touching.  One is from my Ex and was lovely and did make me twinge a little with regret.

We were very open with each other back then and that fell away later. Yes, what to do with them?  Considering they've been hidden for around 50 years and no one knew they were there, perhaps nothing, I don't know, I will think about it.  It was of course how we talked to each other before texting became a thing.  They are rather sweet and of their time.  

Up Early Again - But NoT What You Think

 This time, I am in a better place and ready to get up and going.  I had a good day yesterday except I got notification of a speeding ticket :-(  It's the first in over 50 years of driving and so I guess that's something.  I know where it was and what was going on as it is in the photo and so it's a fair cop so to speak although one of those where I hope the bike that sped up as I was overtaking also gets a ticket too.  Anyway, let's wait and see.  It is annoying but considering I used to do 30,000 miles a year when I was driving I think I've managed to do OK up until now.

That's really not overly bothering me as much as I felt it would.  I spent yesterday tidying up my cousin's biography so it can be published to the various family members.  His version in print is fine but electronically it lost its photo images and captions, pagination and so on.  Anyway, I've managed to fix it after around 6 hours editing!  Hopefully he will be OK with the results.  It is an interesting read at close to 130 pages.  In fact it is similar to mine.  Except I think I need to edit mine a bit.  It's full of stuff that perhaps should make a separate essay such as my Covid diary which whilst it is interesting, is a distraction for my biography.

The rain of yesterday was nice to see after such a dry summer.  Today has dawned bright and so I'll take on some more garden tidying I think and see where that leads.  The driveway gates have swollen in the rain and look like they need some attention too!  I cannot win with them they warp and sag and almost have a mind of their own! 

So a lighter mood, much lighter in fact I feel better and just need to keep on doing what I am doing as little by little things are improving.  My weight is down, my body feels good too.  Log may that continue. 

Up Early - Better - The Swings And Roundabouts

 It's raining and after the long very hot at times summer it is a welcome relief to see some rain which is steadily coming down this morning.  It must have been heavier overnight as it woke me and I managed to sleep through with the one break but I'm still up early.  This time it was my OH who woke me and with an hour to go for the alarm I thought I'd get up anyway.

Yesterday I managed a good 3 or 4 hours in the garden tidying up around the garage. The wood store / log store is tidy and loaded with kindling now ready for winter.  I could do with some more logs bu I need to consider whether to buy some more or just get some from along the lane.

Next door started a load of work and a delivery lorry managed to scrape along our hedge - I don't think it has done too much damage and we were going to look at it anyway as it needs work on the gaps.  It's a panoramic cabin for a gymnasium - first we knew about it and it has planning approval.  One day it might be nice for someone just to drop a note to say that there are loads of workmen around.  Hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult a job and take too long but they were banging away until 7 pm yesterday so let's hope that they don't need to do that again!

The poor old delivery man was late too and I felt for him as he eventually got to us just after 9:30 last night, in the dark after some sort of problem at his base.  I hope he didn't have to deliver to any more houses after us.  

I'm in a better mood, once again, I think being occupied with the garden and clearing the side of the garage and starting to make an impact around the Oil (Kerosene) tank has really helped.  I am trying not to overdo it, it's easy to do that and so I'm wearing my back brace as there's lots of pulling and bending down to do.  

So a lightened mood and whilst I am up early I haven't had any "bad thoughts" to work with.  A better day and so far productive week.  An indoors day by the looks of it and so I can get on with some internal work.

Up Early - Not Great Again

 Another day working in the Garden yesterday and then some motor racing to end the day.  When I go to bed I can sleep straight away which is great and one waking interruption at 3 which is I suppose normal now.  However, 6 O'Clock arrived and I awoke and tried to get back to sleep but a sudden hot flush made me get up and come downstairs to see the light on in my office!  Little chap had been in playing on the PC and of course didn't turn the light off.

Looking on my camera it appears that the milkman probably woke me up as it alerts the phone - mine was turned to mute, OK's not so.  Anyway, it isn't too early I suppose.

I think I will give the garden another go to clear away the weeds and grass.  There were loads of brambles down the side of the garage that I cleared yesterday and there are some more that can go where they've gone crazy at the rear of the garage.

Whilst I am glad that I am doing things and that made me feel better, it isn't always the case and I do feel down but not nearly for so long or so deeply dark.  I think I can catch these things now and then try and overcome them.

The next battle is to try and overcome the going out problem.  I really do not want to go out and meet people or do anything at the moment.  Hopefully that will change - I need to work on that as generally I do feel better for having done so but not really feeling it at the moment.  Slowly slowly I suppose.

I cannot even tell you why I lost my mojo but a combination of factors are probably at play and I can only fix them a little at a time.  Age, mortality, loss of working (retirement), low self esteem, 20 year Cancer anniversary, my ageing mother, changing relationships brought on by these and so on are all combining to bring me down low.  I am not as bad as I was for sure and I am in a better place, I just need it to be even better. 

That Was A Lot Better Day And Night

 Got out finally and did some (much needed) gardening. it really has been too hot, up until now, to get out there and do much.  The lawn, I use the term lightly, was knee high and required some serious chopping down with the strimmers. The result was a good few hours chopping stuff down, back in for a shower and dinner.

 Watched F1 qualifying from Monza which brought back memories from 2012 when I went there and saw Lewis Hamilton win.  That was some weekend.

Then a whole night's sleep - almost waking up with the alarm which put a smile on my face too.

I think I will go out and do a morning's work in the garden and tidy up some more around the edges and do some tidying up of the firewood and the log store and hopefully that will get me started to work on the areas that need it a little at a time there is no need to go full on with this - my back is giving me those little twinging warnings and so my back brace is on ready for that. 

Much more upbeat today.  Hurrah! 

Purpose, Habit And Direction

 Perhaps some people just naturally merge into retirement and some have no issues at all as the phase from work to retirement painlessly move from one to the other?

Not me!  Of course not, it has to be a drama and a huge bump in the road.  

I had written and exit plan for the business determining what success or failure were and when to pull the trigger and make the decision to continue or walk away (you don't walk away BTW it is more controlled than that and is not over yet).  That was purely a business document and was used to unemotionally come to a decision in a logical fact and data controlled way.  It took no account of the consequences on me or anyone else for that matter.

It has taken a while, as you know, to become comfortable with the idea and the huge change that has happened and it still takes some adjustment too.  Gradually my sleep is getting better and the "problems" are subsiding in my mind.  They still exist a bit but control has returned and I can get back to sleep if I do wake with relative ease, certainly much better than the struggles I was having. 

When you take away huge influences or drivers of your life and what you get up for without having done the preparations beforehand it really is difficult, I could hardly believe it and now, some 6 months or so later I am only just coming out of the other side.  It has been a horrible experience and it's not fully done with me yet.  I've lost a huge amount of confidence and I need to slowly reestablish it.  Knocked the wind out of my sails you could say and the doldrums ensued.  Onward and upwards! 

Darker Mornings & Evenings

 Both naturally and in my case physically.  I slept reasonably well again, up at the same time as yesterday about an hour earlier than 'normal'.

My confidence really has taken a battering of late and I can probably trace that back to the business and all the nastiness of around 2 years ago now.  Two years, it hardly seem that but when I was younger I could ride all of this stuff but now I just don't have the wherewithal for it. 

I don't want to do much if anything at all, don't really want to be around other people and it's not a great feeling.  It's a nit unnerving too as I want to do something about it but cannot seem to.

It's been a week since I stopped drinking and there's bound to be something like withdrawal symptoms but in reality it was a bad habit that I got into and wasn't the pacifier or of any assistance at all.  I feel a lot better for not drinking and I have lost weight and feel better in myself but it wasn't a cure all and didn't help my state of mind either.  It was a pacifier and not a good one at that.

The carnivore diet is almost fully there now and I just need to eat enough to be satiated.  You shouldn't feel hungry and so I've not eaten enough to do that.  

The mornings and evenings are closing in and whilst I enjoy Autumn and Winter, this year I am not greatly looking forward to them as mush as usual.  It is surely my state of mind and I carry a dread feeling around with me.  I am working on it though.

Little Steps, Small Improvements

 It was quite humid this morning and so I got up about an hour earlier than 'normal' and I'm downstairs here at the PC.  Other than feeling a little hot I'm feeling better in myself and it's been 6 days since I had my last drink and I feel I have made good progress there, just 6 days but that's a start. 

I noticed that I am cheating a bit on my carnivore diet and it's just old habits and having a snack because it is there.  I can avoid that too I think and get on with eating properly and already I have noticed that I am losing weight and feeling better.

It's progress Jim but not as we know it!

My head is clearer than it has been but some of the strange stuff still lingers, the claustrophobia the trapped feelings and the facing up to getting old, no longer working and retired are all taking a while to address.  BUT, they are slowly being addressed. It's the loss of purpose that is disturbing, no direction etc.  

I imagine I will get there, it just hasn't dawned on me yet what that might look like and how mye life will be assembled going forward. At least I am more settled and calm about it at the moment.