Leg Cramp - That Got My Attention

 I don't know why as I haven't had leg cramp for a while at least not as ferocious as this morning's.  But I suppose it was a warm night and the cooler was blowing on me plus I took my Magnesium and Potassium late just before bed maybe?  Who knows?  It certainly got my attention and it's the sort of one that reminds you for some hours that you've had it.  As I say it has been a long time since that has happened.

Sleep was very good only waking once during the night and managing to get back to sleep reasonably quickly and of course woken about 30 minutes earlier than normal with the cramp in my lower calf muscle!

It is very warm and today has a potential to be in the 30 C region.  I think we are now used to it which of course if what you'd expect.  The newspapers and media in general of course think the world is suffering record this or that, on fire, boiling and so on.  A review through the archives will tell you it is no such thing but they have to sell papers and advertising and selling doom and gloom is their primary raison d'etre after all.  At least it isn't an Omega blocking so that's good.  It does curtail outdoor projects though and so I am stuck inside or do work, as this morning, before the heat builds.  Work required to stop the Wisteria taking over the roof of my house! 

I'm feeling a lot better but still have to combat these stupid voices in my head which as long as I catch them, can be controlled before they spread and do damage.  It's not falling for them that's the way forward. I am also limiting how much"news" I consume.  Much as I like some programmes I am avoiding them as all the news is downbeat and bad.  That just makes my mood bad too.  

 

A Little Better Sleep Gradually Getting There

 A good night's sleep and up just gone 6 so that is a bit better than it has been.  It's still not quite where it was and my head is still full of rubbish and problems that aren't but I am controlling those now.

The weather doesn't help as it is so hot that physical work really is difficult and sapping so confined to small chores leaves me a little frustrated but accepting this inevitable slow down in activity is a difficult thing to do.  Ageing, retirement, loss of purpose and the like are taking some getting used to for sure.  

I kind of hate it at the moment as you start to lose what you thought made you you if that makes sense?  You have to roll with these I guess?  Difficult as I'd thought I'd recovered from the major changes in my life and here I am again, more changes, things not in my control again too.

Of course, some things are in my control though, it is finding what they are and making the change to those that is necessary.

Life feels unbalanced and I flip flop between being OK with it and not.  My mind is not helping either and even now the pain body and ego are trying to make me miserable which I am fighting.  Knowing this is good I suppose?  They need to be suppressed as much as possible or identified and stopped before they do more damage over imagined problems.

A Short Break With Mixed Results

 So I organised a short break which went OK ish I suppose.  One of the main improvements was my sleep which, after a bit of a wobble to start with, has improved.  I really didn't want to go but we went anyway and after some confusion about what room we were in, we ended up in the room I'd booked (apparently) and there was something that I obviously didn't like about it and I guess it was because it wasn't as bright as the room that we had first gone in because they had lost the key!  It was a little dark and it somehow just slightly freaked me out - but it was OK in the end.

We went out for a meal at the local pub and walked along the coast and so when we arrived back at the Hotel I was a little strange about going to bed but setting a fan up (it's been very hot these past few months), I slept through with just one interruption.  That has continued up until this morning.  Slept through until the alarm went but I'm up early this morning as OH is going out and so 45 minutes earlier than normal and just a few minor interruptions.

It may not seem a lot but it is a result.  Let's hope it continues as it makes a big difference to my state of mind at the moment.  I still had a few anxiety attacks especially on the last day when I heard a few more residents in the Hotel and suddenly I had to get out of the room and go and stand outside for a while.

So I am feeling a lot better for going away for a few days.  Let me see how I progress this week.  Once again though, it is so hot as to make doing anything physical quite difficult.  

I Cannot Be Ars*d To Do What I Know I Should Do

 I suppose retirement allows you not to do something as well as allowing you to just ignore chores!  Sometimes though I just cannot bring myself around to doing what I should do..

It seems the height of laziness but honestly in the heat we've been having it really is too oppressive to work.  

Talking of heat it was really hot yesterday and I took myself on a 45 minutes (each way) walk to get my new glasses.  They are really good but took a lot of getting  used to as my prescription has changed a lot.  It did feel strange walking back with them on.  I really felt it when I got home and needed a long sit down.

Getting used to the glasses was strange, things looked quite different but this morning they lare working a treat.  The bad news is that overnight I have been bitten (again) and this time it is right on my knuckles causing one of my fingers to swell.  I've put some cream on and will take a histamine (or is it anti histamine) and see if that solves the swelling. Being on the knuckle every time you bend your finger it is painful.

That's all for now, we are off for a few days and hopefully it will improve my demeanour.

Not Quite Right - Am I Expecting Anyone To Notice

 Only my OH knows that I'm having these troubles and she was "surprised" this morning when I said I wasn't really feeling great about things as we woke up early from another hot night's sleep.  I think that we are getting accustomed to sleeping during this heatwave but we were up about an hour early. 

Of course I'm dealing with this alone but via this blog and I tell my OH some but not all, holding back in case I let out too much at once.  That's also a problem because there are many things going on but whether or not it is the root cause(s) remains to be seen.  The "thoughts" are so wide and varied as to defy any real logic and I tend to be careful about what I say and when.

My mother sort of gets my changing circumstances but I'm not overloading her with the issues I am trying to address.  Another friend passed away a few days ago and I'm drawn back to the contemplation of mortality too.  

Anyway, it's the grandson's birthday today so we will be having a bit of fun later and I am taking them away for a few days so you may not hear from me for a few days which will hopefully be good for your health too :-) 

Working Through It

 Someone I know (a bit) has posted on Facebook that they've had mental health problems and are diagnosed and receiving treatment etc.  I'm not sure if that would work for me but hey, I do this blog right?  

My problems are a little more temperamental they come and go and I pretty much understand why but I cannot always tackle them in a meaningful way and then they go away and then return and it's all very annoying. I think I need to get out more and I need to build my post retirement life.  There's other stuff too and I am not sure how I tackle that at the moment.  Perhaps a bit of counselling might be the answer whereas anti-depressants I am not so sure about.  I know my father had them and I've only had a very short course 20 years ago when I was going to see the specialist about my suspected Bladder Cancer.  I needed them to get through the door!

I always felt that the aftershocks of the diagnosis and the treatment were a type of PTSD as you are treated for the cancer in a matter of fact way but not for the impact it has on your mind.  Looking way back you can see that it did have an impact and it was quite big I'd say.  I wonder if this is also a recurrence of that?

A View Along The Lane Away From The House

View Towards The Oast Houses And Barns

With My Back Towards The House.  Looking Across the Lane Towards The Fields And Woods

You Never Know What You Will Find.  Here A Seat With A Hole In It And A Hoop Earing

The View Toward The House Across The Sheep Field

Two minutes from my house is this area.  There are similar areas all within Ten minutes and I have been making myself walk out and just be quiet in them.  This is the footpath that leads from the little enclave of houses in our road down to the big field and then through the woods and leads to a farm.  The other is a field of small trees, Oak and the like which you can just walk into along a footpath and just stand in the middle of.  I am trying to do this more often and walk for further each time.  I need to appreciate where I live more.  It is right in the middle of this countryside.  I posted this on Instagram with Sting's Fields of gold playing.  

It's part of feeling better about myself and reconnecting.  This retirement malarkey has got me down for sure.  The house too and it is in my hands to dig my way out and enjoy it whilst I can.

Two Steps Back

 Do you ever feel that?  I was doing well and then out of nowhere, awake at silly O'Clock and whilst I managed to doze a bit my OH got up and was moving about and finally around 5:20 my knee gave me some jip and I got up and came downstairs angry with myself for not trying harder to get back to sleep.

I want to go away for a few days for our grandson's birthday and I've lined it up awaiting agreement this morning and now, I don't want to go.  Silly reasons, I cannot drive at the moment so I am not in control (I guess), the heat overnight but this is on the coast where it is cooler, claustrophobia in a car with no A/C - first world problems eh?  

Yesterday I found out one of my Lodge friends died, just 75 after having been ill for some time.  He had been ill, recovered and suddenly relapsed, bless him.  Additionally 3 of our widows (of members) also passed in the last week!  That hasn't lifted my mood much either.  I go from OK to over thinking in phases and perhaps two or three times a day.  Now, I'm fine, half an hour ago I was in dread and worried.  You know that you cannot worry about something that hasn't happened and when you apply that logic it goes away.

My mind hovers as well, it drops the "I don't want to be here" idea into everyday and I then have to dig my way out of that.  It's just the ego and pain body, I know that but it is so destructive I find.  It's not even real but it takes over and it only needs an unguarded moment and your sleep will not come and the worry and bad thoughts kick in and of course, that's what the pain body wants.  It makes me lethargic in mind and body.  

Try as I might, this hot weather makes it difficult to work outside (and in) much as I think that would help me.  My new glasses cannot come soon enough as I am struggling with my eyesight and I'm not allowed to drive using my old prescription.  It's lucky that I went and got checked out albeit the oncoming cataract doesn't fill me with joy.  I guess it will be what it will be and I'm told it's a routine procedure.  

So there we have it.  The ups and downs of my life as it is at the moment.  Lots of reasons and I just need to work through it all.  Therapy might be a way forward and yet I know that I already know where I am but perhaps getting away from self diagnosis and running a short course might do the trick.  There's a fight going on in my head too that kind of knows what to do but is too damn lazy to do it.  Good versus evil LOL.  

Up Early Again - Last Of The Hot Nights?

 I hope so, sleeping is generally OK again, going to sleep that is, but my knee started playing up at around 5:40 and I had to get up - blowing cold air on your body overnight doesn't agree with it obviously.

I feel slightly as if I have taken a backward step this morning but I can deal with that I think.  The pain body certainly likes to give some jip.  

It is certainly a matter of tackling the negative thoughts and working on the good things. Let's see how the day goes - it is much cooler outside and so that is a start.

A Hot Night - Acclimatised?

 I wonder if we acclimatise to these periods of heat - I don't recollect 1976 doing anything other than going to and from work earlier/later, no A/C on trains and the like.  the summer was hot as you like and I went on holiday with my mates - the first holiday away from my parents.  It was regular to see the tar bubbling on the road but I don't recall it as being unbearable.

Recently the humidity soared and that did make it difficult whereas overnight I set the evaporation cooler up and let it do its thing on its lowest settings but added the ice packs to the reservoir. Apart from my knee which was giving me jip at around 5 all was OK.  So I wonder if you just get used to it.  As always, our elders and betters interference means our houses are fit for winter but not for summer.  Is there anything these arsehole politicians do that is good?  They interfere with our lives and remind me of my old bosses who would come up with great ideas that we'd suggest actually weren't, implement them and wonder why production fell off a cliff almost overnight!  

Talking of politicians, this new bloke looks paper thin on practical policies and whilst they may have ideas on moving forward, if you haven't sorted out the foundations then you are going to have a fall.  A massive house of cards, nothing is really cohesive and the damage is being done as the smart money moves out of the country and once gone they may not return.  If you've got the money then you can move around to suit.  The politics of envy and the increasing tax burdens and the Laffer Curve are well known but not by Socialist and Liberals who think higher taxes will solve everything despite all the data and evidence showing that they don't! 

Some of the chancers we have coming into high office must make us a laughing stock on the world stage.  Uneducated, unaware of their own brief, dyed hair, confused about how many "genders" there are and whether a man is a woman and vice versa leads to concern that the patients have taken over running the asylum.  From what I have seen this past 2 weeks, this bloke hasn't a clue and looks weak on the world stage, he's doing as much damage as Rachel (from Accounts) Reeves did with all the conjecture and misinformation wiping millions off the economy from saying the wrong things and the wrong time. The markets are moving and rightly so.  All I can do is the normal of grabbing the popcorn and settling back to watch this latest disaster movie, one made without CGI or AI involvement :-)

These Changes In Mood Are Tiresome

 To say these moods are tiresome probably underestimates the last year and the last few months I'd say.  The problem is that you can look back and wonder what caused the problem in the first place and what happened to change it back?

Don't get me wrong though, I am still not through this but it is getting easier to deal with it and to control (for now).  I slept well last night despite it being another very hot humid night.  I woke near 6 and managed to get a further 1 hour 30 after the customary trip to the bathroom.

Some thought came into my head but I actually changed my thought to something nice and that banished the dodgy thoughts altogether.  Having my grandson for the past 4 days was a little "testing" but he's not really that much trouble and he turns 7 next week.  

Back to tiresome and the frustration is that this has evaporated away and all the pain and anguish it caused disappear along with it but they were there.  They aren't real either, the thoughts aren't real as they are all in your head and you cannot do anything about them anyway.  I cannot stop getting old for example nor can I fight that process or do anything about it - other than the usual mitigating things, keeping well and fit etc.  I wanted, or rather I went through the process of thinking about leaving it all, walking away, having done with it, not wanting to be left on this earth and that set of thoughts were there but treated as part of an analysis whiteboard mindmap if you will. I've been there before, first real love affair ending, cancer diagnosis, divorce and now.  None of these things are actually that bad or bad enough to even momentarily consider that course of action.

The current situation and the utter baggage it brings along need to be dealt with - the claustrophobia perhaps more so than other things.  I'm back to where I was deciding to leave my Ex some 15 years ago.  My mind is planning, plotting, analysing, testing, what-if scenario building and tearing down.  It's all to do with my future and suddenly losing the "purpose" of my life which was work and business and it has left a gaping hole.  That hole is very dark and I cannot see what is in it and so the certainty that an INTJ thrives on is of no use to me at the moment to work out what to do.  

What has happened is that the initial (Kubler Ross type) things are happening:

Shock / Denial: Initial disbelief, numbness, or refusal to believe the change is happening.

Anger / Frustration: Annoyed or resentful feelings as reality sets in, often blaming leadership or the situation.

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or find trade-offs to avoid the full impact or return to the past.

Depression / Low Mood: A low point of sadness, confusion, and lowered motivation or performance.

Acceptance / Integration: Coming to terms with the new reality, testing new behaviours, and moving forward constructively

So I'm at the last phase now and it's been ugly and nasty going through the previous phases.  The bad news being that you can slip back at anytime into the former phases.  I used to "Manage Change" as it was my job.  I find, like a lot of people, that I managed massive global projects and know about all this but cannot turn it around to manage myself.  

Physician heal thyself comes to mind.  

Actually Woken By The Alarm

 Sleep seems to be returning to 'normal' and the head full of thoughts is so much better as those thoughts are distant things.  It is annoying that they were there in the first place.

The heat has returned and so for a day or two it will be limiting what I want to do outside and so I'll just have to limit activity for a while.  Good thing with these insect bites which are nasty, itchy things.  Histamines and cream to the rescue for a little bit of respite I guess.

Things feel a lot better and I am calmer for now which is also good.  Long may that continue. 

Dawn's Early Light

 Well, that was good, I slept through until 5:45 no interruptions, no head stuff and as I needed to be up early anyway (I was around 20 minutes before my target waking time) it all worked out well.  That's great and it really is a step in the right direction knowing it can be done.

Now to build on that going forward.  Grandson will be here shortly and another day of having him here will begin.  The weekend was "disruptive" I guess you'd say but in a nice way.  I wish they'd tell me in advance though.

Oh well let's see how we get on.  A week ago I was at my mum's and getting ready to go to the local children's petting farm.  A great day out BTW with her grandchildren and great grandchildren (my daughter, son-in-law and her children).  

OK, on with my day......

Early Mornings

 I ended up sleeping downstairs in my chair (I bought it 20 years ago as a recovery aid) as my grandson announced he wanted to sleep upstairs not downstairs and so that's how we arranged it.  It was OK, I only woke twice and somewhere there's a Mosquito that announced itself on both occasions and just now when I woke up.  That was around 5:30 as someone rode their Horse past the house.

It's now around 6:30 about an hour on and whilst I am certain that I dozed after the horse event it is lighter and so time to get up and treat the couple of bites on my neck and elbow!   I like seeing my grandson but announcing at tea time that he is staying over is annoying and the to lose my bed in the process is annoying but I could see he didn't want to sleep downstairs and he asked nicely.  It isn't that but the lack of asking me first that is upsetting and I need to have words.  If I know, then I can deal with it.

Coming to terms with my change in eye sight is next on my agenda - the difference is marked and I was pretty disturbed to see I could barely see anything without the new prescription in one eye.  They've both changed markedly but some age related stuff including the Cataract on its way but so far no Macular Degeneration at this time.  I am taking Lutein & Zeaxanthin with BioPerine (Black Pepper) supplement for my eyes.  

I imagine that I will have to adjust to these glasses a lot as the prescription shows a large change and I know how bad my eyesight is now and the correction will take some getting used to!

Retirement - No Plan - No Purpose - And Me A Programme Manager!

 It's hard to take for me, that the one thing during all that hard work and anguish with the business was I didn't plan to be retired - I wasn't expecting it at all as I thought I'd still be working and could work out an Exit Plan and then retire.

Little did I know how quickly things would come to a head and I was so busy doing all that was needed that it passed me by how busy I was working on it and how suddenly everything changed.

Twenty years ago, things changed in a flash, I went from being a 'normal' person working away, finally in my dream job and along came Bladder Cancer to disrupt that.  The ripples of that disruption exist to today.  I should know I suppose, but who has plans that would have predicted that?  

So I am wobbling through this period of my life and making the best of a bad job really.  Rudderless and blown this way and that by the winds is not a place I like to be.  My hobbies, such as they were, are not really of any interest at the moment.  I have "things" that just lie around and need to go.  Lots of IT equipment that in reality isn't needed anymore and I need to just get rid of.  It's a little too hot to work on all of that although I have done a little bit and sold some bits.  The other stuff can wait until I commit to documenting and selling it.

Additionally with my eyesight now requiring correcting it's best to wait until my new spectacles arrive and I get used to them, the change is quite noticeable and the cataract that has caused it will need to be addressed at some point in time too.

At least I am sleeping a bit better, my mind is a lot emptier and I intend to work on my health and my head in particular.  I don't want to fear growing old but seeing my mother at age 89 struggling with her mobility is a concern.  Oh well, at least I am not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did so I'm out of the morbid state and I hope climbing out of that trough I was in.  I really do not want to go back and re-visit it, it was a nasty, dark and frightening place for sure.