Paved With Good Intentions

 Well I am back after a strange convoluted journey home through absolutely Biblical rain and partly flooded roads.  Up early albeit not too early I suppose and slept in my own bed which means that I am not aching as much - the guest room is good but the bed was very soft and so I ached - my hip was particularly painful and this morning my knee was a little twingey too.  A long drive perhaps?

Visiting my 89 year old mum was nice but she really isn't that mobile and we didn't go out but did participate in something called 'Rummikub' with some of her friends - an interesting game.  The independent living accommodation is an interesting concept but I have to say I don't particularly like it but there you go.  It just adds to my current state of mind and whilst I feel OK at the moment, it is just OK.  I at least managed to get good sleep last night and just up a couple of times.

The biting insects continue to plague us here so we will need to get the repellent out and use that.  Very annoying and my OH, bless her, has had a few days off and now back here and the little monsters have started to bite again.  It's been the perfect weather for them! 

As for me, I think I need to reset myself (again).  It is easy for me to fall back into my inward thinking, morose thought ways.  Whether I can do that or not remains to be seen.  It's just a case of keeping some discipline and sticking to 'the plan' which I haven't fully got at the moment.

The things that defined me no longer do.  Work and all that surrounded work disappeared and I hadn't planned for retirement mentally.  I'd done the long term stuff in terms of retirement funding but the loss of anything to do with day to day living passed me by which is unusual for me.  It starts now, I know what I know and what I don't know so it is a matter of dealing with that.

The other things that are haunting me are growing old, given I see my mother's struggles and can do very little about them.  Seeing her struggle is awful and she lives a long way from me so I end up with short visits like the last four days. I couldn't get her out of the flat this time either but the weather was partly to blame for that.

Anyway, I need to face up to all of this and cut out the anxiety and morbid thoughts I am having.  The brain can be so self-destructive I find.  Why? I have no idea.  

Dawn's Early Light

 Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal'  At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.

Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought.  It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps?  Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy.  My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.

So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent.  I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this.  I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum.  Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on. 

At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year.  Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation.  I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.

The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action.  I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it.  It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done.  Specific targets and specific bits of work.  SMART we used to say.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.  

My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project.  It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this.  Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do.  These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside.  It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.

I need too to work on myself and my mental situation.  There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):

• Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
• Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
• Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
• Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.   
• Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with.  Do I need or want one (or many).  I don't know at the moment.
• General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc. 
• Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.  
• Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try.  It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work. 

Anyway that's just a bit of it - and Elephant eating will be required as well as getting all the anxiety under control - I can, of course, do this but my head (or part of it) fights me and gets in the way.  

Slow Return To Clarity

My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing.  What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked? 

Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to.  They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required.  You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of? 

So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose?  I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff.  It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state.  As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand. 

I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her.  I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.

On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in.  With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.

I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.    

Rain - Almost forgotten What It Was

 It wasn't a lot of rain but it was enough to remember what it looked, sounded and smelt like.  Admittedly, it was not enough but for the short while it was really pouring, puddles formed and it was a welcome sight indeed.  Someone suggested it was eight weeks since rain last fell but I am sure there was an overnight series of showers a few days ago that woke us up. Mind you eight weeks feels about right as we have had an exceptional summer once again.

I like the doom mongering but really we weren't using standpipes and anywhere near the 1976 summer even though our media still thinks its global warming and climate change.  A few years ago we suffered the wettest summer ever and now the driest and so on.  If we get thirty years of red hot summers and very mild winters then you'd probably make a case for it, 30 years is how "climate" can be determined after all.

Talking of waking up I managed to wake just the once overnight and up about an hour before "normal" which I am quite pleased about given I had a couple of car naps during the day.

Annoyed that one of my servers is showing it needs a new HDD - they aren't cheap and I'll have to get one ordered so I can change it when I get back from visiting my mum.

I managed to keep the thoughts out of my head overnight and so far this morning.  The insect bites are receding and my aching shoulder / neck appears to be just a distant throb after treating with some deep heat overnight.

 Today holds, perhaps, a better "head" day and I can attempt to get something (anything) done.  Yesterday was planning the short trip away occupying my planning and risk management skills :-) Today?  I'm not sure yet, I will tackle that in a short while and see where we go with it.  

The Battle Rages In My Head

 Soon, I will be clear of the Business ties and the woes that went with that.  You go from one extreme to the other a happy going concern and then human self destructive tendencies take over.  The utter betrayal I felt then is still eating away at me but not so much as it did then and I realise now that I wasn't in control,  as I usually am, then and that I've let it go, done the right things but it leaves a sour taste as to yet another person using me.  It should have stopped way back when I had the opportunity to do so.

That it didn't is just the way it is.  I cannot change history but neither can I get rid of the "being used" aftertaste either.  At the moment I am running an internal battle and I know that I shouldn't be doing that but it is very difficult to stop it going on.  When I do manage that, all is well.

These demons are self made, not real and part of me that are not allowing me to move on.  Sure, they are less than they were a few weeks ago but they are still there and still giving me disturbed nights (and days if I'm honest about it).  By that I mean they need to be fought and most probably by the very same part of my head that is generating them, it's like a pair of squabbling kids in my head, one is doom and gloom and self loathing and ugly and disruptive, the other is calm and logical and peaceful.  One comes up with objections and nasty thoughts and the other tackles these only for another thought to emerge as each bad thought is defeated.

An ongoing cycle and one that I win occasionally.  I know that all of this isn't necessary and that I can do something about it but it takes a lot of effort to continuously fight this.  Now I do not have the very real distraction of work to concentrate my mind on, the space left has been invaded by this civil war in my head.  I can clear it for minutes, hours, days at a time but the bad thoughts come back to haunt me and with that the spiral recommences and manifests itself as it does both internally and externally.  

I am working on getting out of it but it is whether I can be disciplined to do it.  A good excuse has been the weather of late too hot to do anything physical or trying to work in the office.  As the summer slowly abates, the nights draw in, I need to actually do things and achieve them but more than that, I need to get rid of these thoughts and banish them where they belong.  They are almost without exception negative and cruel and they should have no place in my head at all.  Who knew that retirement would bring all of this to the surface once again.  Of course, I have beaten this in the past and I will do so again.  

Once you've beaten it, keeping it away from returning is the next thing as I don't want to feel like this again it is so destructive. 

 

My Mind Works In A Most Mysterious Way Sometimes

 I think I probably documented it somewhere here around 13 or 14 years ago I'd guess, I had my lovely X-Type Jaguar in for an MOT (roadworthy testing) and they'd told me that the offside rear wheel tyre needed changing as it had got the beginnings of perishing on the inner wall.

I took it to my trustworthy tyre man and he jacked the car up and took a look and said no, everything was alright.  A bit perplexed I went home and at 3 in the morning I woke up and said, that wasn't the offside that was the nearside he looked at.  It was amusing when I drove back in and said Id had a dream about him overnight, he gave me an old fashioned look but then I explained that he examined the nearside and not the offside and sure enough this time we found it and fixed it.

I realte this story because I recently sold some items on a site called NextDoor and the chap who came to buy them got the time wrong then when he arrived proceeded to show me his lag that he was having treatment for that made him a bit woosy and was one of the reasons he'd got the time wrong as he was on powerful antibiotics and painkillers. But here's the thing, he then said that his wing mirror had been hit in the lane - we live in a very narrow lane, and he showed me the wreckage held together with an elastic luggage tie.  I showed him where my car had been hit too and that I'd used eBay to source the parts.  He then said that his van side had been hit too.  He partially pleased poverty and we agreed to drop the price a little which I was expecting, it was priced for that.

I woke this morning and there it was again, it was his nearside mirror and bodywork that was affected so he'd have to have been driving on the wrong side of the road or hit something himself unless it was perhaps done whilst parked which he actually said he was driving and the other chap didn't stop!  So we can draw some conclusions from that - perhaps he'd been driving on the wrong side of our lane - possible I suppose, he actually hit something when avoiding a car or van coming down the lane as it was nearside he probably hit something in the hedgerow or one of the posts?  There's no way he could have driven normally and lost his nearside mirror otherwise. 

It takes me a while but suddenly these details click together and so my mind must have been trying to work out that there was something obviously wrong and the impact on the wrong side was obviously giving my head a problem.  Sorted now.... 

Never Easy The Ups and Downs Continue

 Sleep continues to be hit and miss.  I had been up early for our grandson's days with us and so that's OK.  He went out with his Granny and I stayed back at the hose, sat down and promptly had a few dozes.  Out of nowhere boom, asleep.  This morning I am up just before 6 with OH getting up and waking me and I was suddenly wide awake and could not switch off.  It had also been a little more humid and warm than I thought and so that didn't help.

What was nice was to come down and after hearing the rain during the night smell the freshness of the rain as I opened the door.  We haven't had any meaningful rain in weeks, perhaps months and so this is welcome.  It's not a lot but it really doe feel good.

Both of us are covered in insect bites that are pretty nasty requiring plenty of cream and histamine (or is it anti histamine) tablets to tackle the itching and the way the body has responded to the bites, angry raised heads and large red patches!

I'll get out  today to the local shops and do some house keeping returning goods. perhaps I will get a little shopping in as well whilst I am there.  It will be nice going out in a bearable temperature perhaps as much as 15C lower then this time last week.  

I must though work on my sleep.  I dislike sleeping pills.  I've had them when in Hospital but the drowsiness meant I've steered clear ever since.  I doubt that is the answer and I think the heat and being inactive don't help as I haven't been working either with my mind or my body.  Maybe something to investigate as I struggle with retirement and no longer working mentally on the business side of things?

Sleep, Mood And General Update

 I cannot say that I am a lot better than I was but certainly nowhere near as bad as I was a few weeks ago.  Have my new glasses made a difference?  Probably as I can now see and read again but getting used to the new prescription in terms of close work and reading is taking a bit of time.

I managed to sleep through to the alarm this morning albeit it was an early alarm for looking after grandson.  However, not to be scoffed at as I managed just to wake once and got back to sleep with 15 minutes I'd say.  So an improvement.  The heat of the past few weeks / months has gone and we are back to around 25C which is actually quite comfortable and it looks as if we will have a few wet days to come which will actually be an interesting phenomenon as we have had (as far as I know) just the one or two showers in the past 6 to 8 weeks.  The humidity will also come down I understand so that too will be welcome. 

I am still up and down though and need to work on that and my shaking hand which is worrying.  I noticed it last year but apparently it's nothing to worry about, just old age!

I can probably also get back indoors and tidy my desk up too which really needs some TLC.  The heat has made it only possible to be in here in the early morning really.  So I am feeling a bit better but now need to "pull myself together" as the phrase goes. 

Whew - Temperature Down, Humidity Up

 It is early around 6 in the morning and I managed to sleep through which is great.  It's misty outside and very humid indoors but hopefully much cooler when I ope up the house. 

I have a journey to do soon to drop OH and her friend off to a railway station and then go on to see my mum.  It was kind of dropped on me but let's see if the visitor's room is available?  If it isn't it could be costly!

 I'm feeling OK today, a little nostalgic as someone posted a photo and in it are my old flat mate and some other friends and my friend's wife.  She and I were platonic friends and I have a lovely photo of her and I atop the Eiffel Tower in our late youth or early twenties.  Funny how you drift away over the years.  We have reconnected on Facebook which is nice.

I suppose with all my head weirdness going on at the moment it reignites memories of those days and I am not certain if that is actually helpful or not?  Be that as it may it was lovely to see a photo of her in particular and perhaps the true feelings I had for her surfaced for a moment.  In my imagination I dreamt that we met and she looked at me closely in the eyes and asked "How long?" (had I held these feelings) and I responded "All of my life" - not known for my sentimentality it surprised me that I thought that and yet I can apply it to three of my close (girl) friends.  I am still in touch with them all.  We were good friends back then but they were in other relationships.  I'd known them all from school and hung around with them - I was also very quiet and shy back then.

Anyway, nostalgia indeed. It could have all turned out differently as they say.  

Well Hopefully The Last Of The Hot Nights

 Hot nights means a different thing these days.  It was hot and my cooler did well to keep blowing cold air last night.  Not A/C which, perhaps, we should invest in  

The Government used the alert system on lots of peoples phones yesterday scaring a lot of them.  I turned mine off when they first suggested it so I only heard it on the live Cricket commentary going off with the commentators and also the crowd.

Were they warning about invasion or some such?  No they were telling everyone it is hot and to not use disposable BBQs.  Socialism.  Agreed though that people have always been terminally stupid when it comes to such things.  The country is a tinderbox at the moment and so leaving a BBQ unattended or having a bonfire and not expecting the sparks to set something alight are in the gift of the stupid.

Up a little early but not too bad and I hope that we soon will return to a relatively normal weather pastern.

Here is something that was posted yesterday about the 1976 heatwave. I remember some of it but the mind seems to forget some of the details.  The invasion of Ladybirds I remember well as I was working in an air intake area for a large bank and so nice and cool as the air came into the building but of course, the ladybirds came in with it.  Ladybirds means something quite different these days LOL.  

1976 - Hot As You Like!!! 

 - 

Aches & Pains But Nowt Broken - Lucky

 Yes, lucky as I didn't have any control over the fall and so it's mainly light bruises, scrapes and slightly pulled muscles!  Add to that the hottest day of the year so far we recorded 37 C here and it was a strange old day.  I got bitten again by some Gnat/Mozzie or whatever but my poor OH has been bitten multiple times and had to get to the pharmacist to get something for it.  She won't let me spray a few of the rooms for her.

The cooler works nicely in this weather but I am considering A/C again, they are all sold out of course :-) The one I'd like is not available at the moment but perhaps it is an Autumn project rather than trying to do it now?

Another hot day on the cards today and I am up about an hour early this morning, woke just once and slept through which is pretty good even in this heat.

Feeling OK about things at present. It's too hot to actually do anything.  Changing the bed sheets was a relay with OH stripping the bed and me making it late in the evening.  As we live in the pitched roof the heat can really build up! 

Lots of deliveries delayed from yesterday and Wednesday too which will hopefully arrive today for a few projects.  Keeping busy is helping but the heat isn't helping of course!   

Falling Over - Lucky Not To Have Broken Something I guess

 So yesterday was the day we tackled the Wisteria that had grown rampant and invaded our roof, blocking light from the windows and I managed to get up the steps and pull it down then clip it as best as I could.  Getting some sort of insect bite for my troubles to add to the other recent ones!  Right on my side just above the waistline.

The steps were a little rickety but I wasn't taking any chances with them and did everything in as safe a manner as I could.  I got inside and cooked by breakfast/lunch on'y for my chair to collapse and throw me backwards as the left leg collapsed.  I didn't break anything apart from the chair and it did hurt - a scrape across my arm and this morning of course, aching legs and arms, left shoulder and collarbone feel bruised and my waist feels like I've done something to that as well.  At least I didn't break anything I guess.

An evening interrupted by the eclipse and many people in the field next to us watching it - it started around 6 pm so the sun was low in the sky anyway and we were lucky in as much as we have a Balcony so could see it longer.  Some idiot had his dog off the lead in a field full of sheep!  What is wrong with people?  Luckily he managed to call it back and with the risks of wildfires raised through the drought managed to have a smoke (or it looked like it it may have been a vape).  Sometimes you wonder how people like that managed to live into adulthood?  We've lost our connection to common sense.

Up a little early around 6 and my daughter travelling abroad received our electronic cards for her birthday. She is on a world wide trip and is currently working her way through Canada down to the USA.  

It is going to be very hot today up in the high 30s and so that is going to take some getting used to.  I've been hotter when I was in France many years ago and Spain too but this is exceptional for the UK I have to say and indeed the whole of Europe.  What it does do, if expose the media for their doom mongering, catastrophic headlines, but I suppose if they were to change their click bait, headline grabbing and, let's face it, money making narrative, they'd go out of business.  I doubt any of them would make money if they were to only report good news?

I need to get off to somewhere a little cooler than my office for sure.  I'm aching all over the place at the moment too which makes me go ouch whenever I climb or descend the stairs or sit or get up!  Poor old bloke!  But at least nothing is broken.   

Leg Cramp - That Got My Attention

 I don't know why as I haven't had leg cramp for a while at least not as ferocious as this morning's.  But I suppose it was a warm night and the cooler was blowing on me plus I took my Magnesium and Potassium late just before bed maybe?  Who knows?  It certainly got my attention and it's the sort of one that reminds you for some hours that you've had it.  As I say it has been a long time since that has happened.

Sleep was very good only waking once during the night and managing to get back to sleep reasonably quickly and of course woken about 30 minutes earlier than normal with the cramp in my lower calf muscle!

It is very warm and today has a potential to be in the 30 C region.  I think we are now used to it which of course if what you'd expect.  The newspapers and media in general of course think the world is suffering record this or that, on fire, boiling and so on.  A review through the archives will tell you it is no such thing but they have to sell papers and advertising and selling doom and gloom is their primary raison d'etre after all.  At least it isn't an Omega blocking so that's good.  It does curtail outdoor projects though and so I am stuck inside or do work, as this morning, before the heat builds.  Work required to stop the Wisteria taking over the roof of my house! 

I'm feeling a lot better but still have to combat these stupid voices in my head which as long as I catch them, can be controlled before they spread and do damage.  It's not falling for them that's the way forward. I am also limiting how much"news" I consume.  Much as I like some programmes I am avoiding them as all the news is downbeat and bad.  That just makes my mood bad too.  

 

A Little Better Sleep Gradually Getting There

 A good night's sleep and up just gone 6 so that is a bit better than it has been.  It's still not quite where it was and my head is still full of rubbish and problems that aren't but I am controlling those now.

The weather doesn't help as it is so hot that physical work really is difficult and sapping so confined to small chores leaves me a little frustrated but accepting this inevitable slow down in activity is a difficult thing to do.  Ageing, retirement, loss of purpose and the like are taking some getting used to for sure.  

I kind of hate it at the moment as you start to lose what you thought made you you if that makes sense?  You have to roll with these I guess?  Difficult as I'd thought I'd recovered from the major changes in my life and here I am again, more changes, things not in my control again too.

Of course, some things are in my control though, it is finding what they are and making the change to those that is necessary.

Life feels unbalanced and I flip flop between being OK with it and not.  My mind is not helping either and even now the pain body and ego are trying to make me miserable which I am fighting.  Knowing this is good I suppose?  They need to be suppressed as much as possible or identified and stopped before they do more damage over imagined problems.

A Short Break With Mixed Results

 So I organised a short break which went OK ish I suppose.  One of the main improvements was my sleep which, after a bit of a wobble to start with, has improved.  I really didn't want to go but we went anyway and after some confusion about what room we were in, we ended up in the room I'd booked (apparently) and there was something that I obviously didn't like about it and I guess it was because it wasn't as bright as the room that we had first gone in because they had lost the key!  It was a little dark and it somehow just slightly freaked me out - but it was OK in the end.

We went out for a meal at the local pub and walked along the coast and so when we arrived back at the Hotel I was a little strange about going to bed but setting a fan up (it's been very hot these past few months), I slept through with just one interruption.  That has continued up until this morning.  Slept through until the alarm went but I'm up early this morning as OH is going out and so 45 minutes earlier than normal and just a few minor interruptions.

It may not seem a lot but it is a result.  Let's hope it continues as it makes a big difference to my state of mind at the moment.  I still had a few anxiety attacks especially on the last day when I heard a few more residents in the Hotel and suddenly I had to get out of the room and go and stand outside for a while.

So I am feeling a lot better for going away for a few days.  Let me see how I progress this week.  Once again though, it is so hot as to make doing anything physical quite difficult.