Mixed Feelings - Confusing Emotions

 My trip to see my mother was good and also sad / bad in someways too.  I am struggling with purpose and I am in a strange place.  The problems are those of ageing, of retirement, situation and on how I am dealing with them or in fact how I am not dealing with them.  Once again, I am up early and once again I wake with this melancholy, tearful, no purpose, no direction and a sort of hopelessness that is very unlike me.

My mum looks old and frail and she's lost some of her spark.  She stays in more often and she hadn't been out for weeks until I came and we went out for lunch.  Then we went through some of her paperwork for her funeral wishes and that sort of thing.  We chatted about my situation and hers and actually I came home yesterday with some uplift in my step only to find the house empty and then I did the stupid thing of ordering myself some beers for this upcoming weekend as it is going to be warm and nice!   This is not what I planned to do and I must have a plan to get myself out of this position and into somewhere that is good and uplifting for me.

It's going to have to be small and steady steps.  I realise that but the want to get things done quickly also needs to be considered - it isn't going to happen.  I think the way out at this time is to do the small projects and get them done, achieving these will be the one step at a time Elephant Eating that I need to do.  That along with working on my own lack of confidence and being able to control what I can actually control, I worry too much about the state of the country and the world as I see my world eroded and unlike me, having gone through all the things I have gone through and the suffering of some of that I actually need to check myself and go back to living now, not in the past and certainly not in the future.

Small steps is what is needed.  Little victories, working on moving ever forward.  It's not all going to happen at once and there's no rush or anything like that.  

Off To See Mum

 Awake early as my partner disturbed me.  I was suddenly wide awake but it was around 6 so I just got up and came downstairs.  I'm off to my mum's after breakfast.  A bit of a journey but I will enjoy a few days away.  Maybe it will help get my head together which is the main thing.

I do hate this period of my life as I cannot settle and my mind is buzzing with way too much in the way of thoughts good and bad, serious and mundane.  Let's hope I get to reset when I am away.

I can also get away from this PC and my office and just enjoy chatting to my mum and enjoying her company.  

Meaning, Purpose, Getting Old

 It sort of crept up on me in a way although I've been grappling with this for some while and it probably contributes towards my current state of mind too.

The thing that gave me meaning and purpose is no longer there.  The hours spent trying to get something to work and then sell are no longer there so the routine of getting up and coming into the office and generally working (or sometimes just screen staring) are no more.  That's quite a shock to find that it is no longer there.  Finding something else to do is not without its problem I find and then there's this getting old stuff to deal with.  

I suppose I can always find something to do but I'm not always in the right frame of mind for it and then there's the additional motivational things to get over.  Trying to motivate myself to go out and do some gardening or perhaps to do some maintenance on the house knowing that I'll get it in the ear if I go up a ladder or steps on my own and so on.  I do notice that I do not have the physical strength I used to and yet my brain tells me I can do such things, my body quickly dispels that!

Coming to terms with it all is now needed and trying to work out what replaces those things that had meaning, purpose and that defined me.  I need new goals but I'm not worked out what they should be yet. 

Gosh - Hearing Aids

 I've had them for some years and yesterday decided to try them out in a Lodge meeting which actually worked quite well.  The evening meal though proved difficult and I just need to adjust the levels to get it right.  The biggest problem is the ambient noise in a dining hall or environment where there are few soft furnishings.

The echo and sheer volume of noise is quite daunting.  So I took the hearing aids out, tried the noise deadening inserts which work OK but bring the volume down to a point where I cannot hear through reduced volume.

I will try again today and see if I can adjust them to get it right.

A few bad thoughts circulating this morning but a better night's sleep which was good.  Hopefully I'll get more of that as I begin to control things.

Bringing Things Back Under Control

 My Spider senses are going off all the time but I am keeping things somewhat under control for the moment.  Sleep was better and I tried to minimise social media time before going to bed, I didn't look  at my phone but did try reading a little on my Kindle before going to sleep.  I was woken by something at around 4:30 - possibly the milkman I guess.  I managed to get back to sleep and also when I woke a few hours later also managed that too so that's good as my head wasn't full of stuff.

The current political turmoil isn't helping and of course I really cannot do anything about what is going on other than whatever way we look at it, it's disastrous for the country.  We could not be at a more precarious point in our history and our financial stability as country than to have this bunch of chancers in charge.  Hardly any of them have had a real job most having come up through the political route and none seem to realise the situation before them.  It's awful but we can do nothing about it and some of the things they are proposing are massive self harm, foot shooting stupidity.  Oh well, I need to stop worrying about it anyway  I can do little to prevent it but you really can't make up what a bunch of sh1ts these politicians truly are.  Every time they say or do something they make it worse! 

At least I was able to wander up to the shops and get out of the house for a short while and I am looking forward to a meeting tonight (and one tomorrow) so that will put me in good spirits.  I need to stick some Diesel in the car which may not be so nice given the price of the stuff.  Mind you I've not needed to fill the tank since before Easter.

I am feeling a lot more in control at the moment and can see a way through that's steady and sure rather than trying to solve all my problems at once.

Better Still Awake At 5 Though

 The situation is manageable and I just need to manage it which I am half succeeding in.  Some years ago I found myself in a similar situation and worked through it.  It's a series of things (isn't it always) that each in themselves is manageable but when they merge together appear to provide doom and gloom and make my overactive brain start its incessant computing and over stimulates me.

Let's take a case in point. The current political and financial state of the country worries me greatly.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, nothing at all, I know that, you know that and yet I see these idiots driving the train at full speed around a blind curve and we all know how it will end.  But the case is I cannot tell them, I cannot prevent it and yet I worry about it.  Everywhere is doom and despondency and there's so much rumour and false information flying around.  The new media means that this (to call it information isn't right) propaganda and disinformation abounds and you can never know what is right without investigating it and so that's what I do, dig in to the "truth" of what I am being fed.

So my mind is buzzing with research and computational things.  Then my friend got very bad news yesterday from his Consultant, the worst news.  I am already having those thoughts on mortality etc.  I am doing Lasting Power of Attorney stuff and so that focuses the mind too.  So all of this stuff is coming together and challenging me.  

I know that it shouldn't do that but it is an accumulation of worries and stuff that I cannot affect at all - it's illogical of course but there you go.  

I am  planning to go dark on social media and the news and so on.  It isn't doing me any good so I'll work on how I do that going forward and hope that I am able to break this cycle.  I am pretty certain that I can do it but it needs to be sure, slow, steady progress.  As usual I want it all done NOW and that isn't going to happen and I know that.

At least I slept until 5 and then was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours so that's good.  

A Slightly Better Night - Still Bad Thoughts Though

 I was woken up at around 5 by my partner stirring but rather than get up and wander around I managed to get back to sleep within about 20 minutes and when I woke up with the alarm I took that as a small step back to normality.

I am still internally battling with my current situation and it's a series of huge mood swings in and out of being contented to being really distressed about many things.  Stuff that I know I cannot control at all.  The business is, to all intents and purposes, over it's just the dying throes of winding it all up that is required. I cannot control the current political crisis but it worries me watching the current idiots in charge screwing over the country.  I know that I cannot do everything at once, but I'd like that to happen and happen now.

I worry about my drinking and my self isolation and withdrawal from socials and at the front of my mind I worry about the loss of direction and purpose because at the end of the day - running the business gave me that purpose and that incentive to get up and come into my office.

Retirement should be different to the usual day-to-day purpose of my life.  I just haven't predicted the huge gap that is here now and the way that my thoughts left unfocused have turned me into this paranoid, shaking, sadness of present existence.  It's difficult as my INTJ self is trying to make it make sense and all the things that you thought it would be like are commercial marketing fantasies. 

Frozen in some sort of limbo I need to refocus on myself yet again.  I've taken a pounding these past 20 years and I wonder quite what I should do to get out of my malaise and stop feeling sorry for myself etc.  Waves of sadness are sweeping over me - one right now - it's the death one (mine) and those who I love flash before my eyes and yet I should be celebrating our lives not living with this bad thought.  Maybe it's appeared to remind me to not dwell on that? 

The older I get the less tough I am.  I used to be certain of myself, self assured (typical INTJ) and I knew what was needed and got on with it shrugging off the naysayers and so on.  Now I am finding myself quite emotional and I dislike that. Being the "man of the house" no longer exists and starting to lose physical power as I just can't do the things I used to when I was much younger plays on your mind too.

I hate where I am at the moment.  I'll have to work on a break or something.  I'm up to see my mum next week so hopefully I'll come back from that a little more energized and positive - maybe that is also playing on my mind as she has slowed down considerably?  

Extreme Mood Swings - Awake Again

 It felt quite different at 4 a.m I got up and came back to bed and for 10 minutes was all quite OK and then without much of a warning the tidal wave of thoughts came and invaded my head.  I had to get up and come downstairs but this time I decided to sit down in one of the comfy chairs and just calm down a bit.  I'd walked up and down for perhaps 5 minutes undecided but sitting down was good and I did my tinnitus exercise and had three sleep sessions waking up with the alarm at 7:40 so at lease that was something.

The extreme mood swings do veer from massively sad to normal (for me) and back again. The problem is that stuff that I have no control over upsets me when I am like this.  I have to stop getting involved and dragged in with it all.  I cannot do anything about the current government or where they are leading us, the potential change in Prime Minister and so on.  

Not Right - Awake Early Again - Head Full Of Stuff

 Getting out of the position you are in whether real or imagined is difficult.  Swimming against the tide makes it all seem somehow worse The other thing I have noticed is that bad news is everywhere but I know that, if I don't know it is happening, then I have no need to process it as it just makes matters worse and I cannot do anything about it anyway.

I stepped away from Social Media sometime ago and it served me well BUT here I am, back again, consuming a stream of stuff that isn't good news and trying to process it.  I need to cut it out or cut back on it.

I must do something as I do feel it eating away at me and the ups and downs of everyday are getting to me now.  It's periods of everything is fine to moments that I could just burst out crying - huge sadness comes over me, or dark black moments.

I've been through this all before of course but it's really debilitating and I'm not sure how I get out of it at this moment in time.  Journal-ling helps a bit I suppose but I need to work out what to do to sort it all out.

This Is Not Good - INTJs Do Not Cope Well With It

 Yes, I am having a mini meltdown and for many reasons I suppose.  Analysing the reasons probably doesn't help either but dealing with them, that's another thing.  Are these "things" the cause or the symptom?  Will fixing one or all of them be the right approach.

It's bad as I can clearly "get out of it" but not for long.  A few bits of work yesterday distracted me but I soon slipped back into this state of mind.  Interestingly my tinnitus disappeared yesterday for a while but it's back this morning.  I woke overnight again but managed to go back to sleep in 20 minutes whereas often if I wake and it is light I come downstairs for an hour or two.

The pain body is really giving it some stick at the moment and I just need it to pass and to go back but here, right now, writing this, it wants to pile the pressure on.  I am working my way through this a bit at a time but it is really difficult this time.  The way my mind works isn't conducive to sorting this out, there's probably not a nice easy answer to it I do need to work my way through it somehow as it is debilitating.  

I don't want to do anything, just sit and stew so that needs to be worked on. Let's see what I can do today to do that.  

Here We Go Again - Black Dog Comes Back To Haunt Me

 I hate these visitations they are "all in your head" or so they say and that's true and I know it to be so and I can normally deal with it and it goes away and yet, you forget that.  Forget that you've been through all of this before, realise that it can be worked away from and yet right now, it feels hopeless and it's as if there is no way out of this malaise.

Don't feed the dog ought to be a note on my desk.  I've sunk down to that area where I don't want to go out or do anything but by not doing anythings, there's the empty space for the Dog to get in, settle down and stir up thoughts that I'd rather not have.  I can feel the mental and physical anxiety spreading, I'm not sleeping properly and drinking has become a habit that I need to tackle as well. 

Shortly, after a few meetings I can go see my mum and that will cheer us both up.  I need a break but I'm too lazy (not the correct word) to do anything about it.  It's been three years since the last holiday and I really didn't enjoy that if I think about it. Or maybe that's just me being in my dark space.

I've turned into my father who was prone to these dark moods.  I am swinging in and out of being really sad and morbid and just being accepting of it but not anywhere near my normal self.

I've got my note book to hand and so I need to get this darkness out of my current mindset, get rid of the dog and move on - it is so much easier to say than to do.  

Didn't Work This Morning Though Did It?

 Awake at 2 am and it was dark enough to go back to sleep but awake at 5:30 as OH got up and came back to bed and that was it, wide awake and my thoughts were once again of the disturbed sort.  I am having a right old tussle of thoughts at the moment.  Not all are good thoughts and so I am struggling to contain it at the moment.  

Add that together with the mortality thoughts, the change in lifestyle and now some concern over my eyesight and my hearing and the live in the moment attitude has suddenly gone from serial thoughts and actions to being bombarded with parallel thoughts and inaction. 

It will pass as these things often do - it's just that this bump in the road is a little more difficult to negotiate but I will get over it.  It's like dragging a load of heavy weights around after you though. 

Effective Breathing To Go Back To Sleep

 The struggle continues as once again I find I awoke at 05:30 but this time I was able to work on my breathing to get back to sleep thank goodness.  This is the 4 second in through the nose, 6 second (or a count of) breathing out through the mouth and actually concentrating on the breath itself - feeling it going in and out of the body and I was probably back asleep within 5 minutes.

Concentrating on breathing in and out takes away all the unhelpful thoughts and allows focus elsewhere.  I know this but forget to practice it.  I'm still tired but at least this helped.  I also need to shut down looking at my phone, tablet or PC for some time (hours) before bed.

It was a nice afternoon and evening out with some old and new friends.  The journey there was fraught with accidents, closed and roadwork roads adding another 30 minutes to my journey there and perhaps a further 15 minutes to my return journey.  

I have yet another problem with my electric gates this time the other leaf as that has started scraping and I am not sure why that is but then again, the weather bends and warps the wood and now it is drying out and the gates are working properly on their electric actuators this new dragging needs a bit of maintenance.  These are big gates to work on and so I'll be having a "bit of fun" using large spanners to manipulate the adjustable hinges.  Hopefully that is all it needs as if I have to invest in another Acrow to support the post I will be disappointed.  The other Leaf has such a device as the post is loose and leaning - or rather it was until I set up this adjustable prop to stop that gate leaf hitting the driveway.

In other news it is the local council elections and about half the seats in England are up for the public to voter.,  We had our vote (despite  the Government of the day postponing it) last year.  There are also the London Boroughs and the Scottish and Welsh parliament elections.  It will prove interesting to see what the results show because despite the fact that these are local you can be sure that national sentiments will come through based on the shocking performance of the current lot who seem to come out with some ill thought through policy that pisses everyone off even more.  It's as if they didn't do any sort or market research or impact assessment before stating their "great new policy".  If they'd engaged their brain before their mouth perhaps someone would think that it was worth doing.

For people who were voted in on Change, less control over our lives (yep they said that) they are doing what all socialists do and telling you what you can and cannot have even down to what sort of Tumble Dryer you are allowed to have!  They'll be telling us what underwear to put on and what colour shirts (bound to be red).  An absolute shower of spinless, rudderless incompetents and that's their good points.

Anyway - at least I have handled the getting back to sleep stuff and I hope that I can work on the other problems by working through them a bit at a time.   

Urgh - Yet Another Disturbed Night

 Five O'Clock this time, wide awake - startled out of whatever dream I was having which was complex and circular going nowhere but just all procedural and bureaucratic. That was it, wide awake and then came the thoughts and the dark places were lining up to prevent renewed sleep so I threw on a few clothes and came downstairs - it is quite light at 5 a.m. 

I was then greeted with a mouse in the kitchen trap this time - had one in the living room trap a few days back.  It is most unusual to have them here in what is almost summer - they tend to arrive just after harvest time and over winter.  A shame but anyway I cleared that up and then did some admin and wondered whether I've somehow screwed my cortisol levels or something.

I was sad and melancholic almost wanting to burst into tears for no real reason.  I'm fighting the demons again, not quite full Black Dog but too near for my liking.  I've grabbed a shower and apart from feeling a little tired I am sort of OK.  I've a meeting tonight to go to and perhaps that will break this mood for me.  It is very much this change from one state to the other that is challenging me - from work busy to retirement and I somehow didn't plan it or put off thinking about it and now it's here and dealing with it is taking some time.

I pretty much know what it is and I just need to adjust to it.  I'm sure that it just needs me to change my lifestyle to suit and to get rid of all this negative energy.  Knowing what it is (or what I think it is) is not the same as dealing with it.  Things need to change to stop the spiral of depression and this worthlessness I currently feel.  There's the mortality stuff to deal with too which isn't helping me much.

I am making small steps in tackling all of this but in truth, I need to start "eating my own dog food" as the saying goes and do something about it.  I cannot keep putting it off.

Clarity Possibly - Disturbing Thoughts Again

 I have had these disturbing thoughts on and off for years.  The survivor syndrome, the visits by the Black Dog and last year's meltdown all tell you and me something about how things have been these past 20 years.  This July it's been 20 years since it all presented.

The journey, if we can call it that, has been sporadic and in many ways not without some huge swings in mood.  I'd always been sensitive to anyone calling out my professionalism - I pride myself on how "good" I was at my job and my technical competence in certain early control systems and microprocessor work was called on and so it comes as a shock to get called out, like I did last year but then it made me anxious, stressed and sick even though I was fully aware that the accuser didn't have a clue and was being advised by wormtongues I am certain.

But, Bladder Cancer and the way it changed me has made me weaker in the head than I used to be and less self assured than I was and my brain used and still uses that against me - the pain-body being the culprit and myself knowing that is the case for not identifying t and fighting it off.

Recently, much to my consternation, I have been having the "better off dead" thoughts too.  It's not good but I can see why.  This change from business activity (or inactivity LOL) is really messing with my head and purpose is having to be redefined in many ways because what is the purpose?  Work, home, family used to be the focus but that's all changed now.  Things that I used to do feel unsettling now, even going out for an evening feels strange to me. 

I think that things are beginning to change and some clarity is coming along but I find myself distracting with small short projects (keeps me busy) and back to procrastination on other things I should be doing, my accounts for example, I need to just sit here and do them and have done with it.  You get into a rut even when in reality the day is open to you to do what you want and so I think I will try and call on my Programme / Project Director's background and organise my self in a way that actually achieves things in the good old Elephant Eating method (Q: How do you eat and Elephant knowing how big it is? A:  A bit at a time)  That's it really - the deadlines of my previous life no longer exist, they've been taken away and there's a gap in my life.  That gap needs to be filled with retirement things.

So I have done little jobs these past few days.  I'm tackling small jobs, in a small way and then working on the fact that there are 365 days here and the only calls on my time are 14 half days per year.  The whole of the summer has no demands on my time and so I can break the time up to suit myself.  An hour here and an hour there.  There's lots that can occupy my time but I can Elephant Eat that - Tidy the Log shed up, clear the weeds, mow the lawn (well strim it) work my way around the little odds and ends of jobs I've put off and there are hundreds of days and hours to do these things and it doesn't need to be a marathon when a few short sprints might sort it out.

I want everything done at once but reality says if I do a little bit everyday it will get done and there should be no need to fret about it either.  You tend to feel good when you've achieved something and a series of small daily achievements will, I am sure, get me out of this malaise.  I've done a few chores already - less than 30 minutes work on each and ticked off of the list.  

Bank Holiday Monday

 I recall the very first Bank Holiday Monday as we headed off to Broadstairs for the weekend and stayed at a nice B&B.  Our friends knew a restaurant that we went to that had the biggest Mixed Grill I had ever seen.  I remember I drove us down there.  It was a great time.  We used to play Badminton together and I shared a flat (well a house really) with MW and Sundays were crazy.  Both are future wives and us would head to the Sports Centre and play perhaps an hour's Badminton and then he and I in particular would undo all the good by having several beers in the clubhouse!

That was in 1978 - now I feel very old indeed.as that was 48 years ago.  We used my Sunbeam Rapier to get there (UK version of a Plymouth Barracuda).  A brilliant car and before mobile phones and the like we had a few hairy hours of trying to get to and from pick up points when incoming trains were delayed requiring me to dash between three stations.  It worked out OK after that though.

Halcyon days with my own car, living away from my parents and having enough money to pay my way too.  I was 19 years old then, peak of my powers in many ways and newly qualified Engineer.  A few years later, married and it would have been 45 years a few days ago had I not split up and walked away from it all.