Flip Flop Start Stop

 Awake at 6 this morning and I have no idea what my mind was up to but I was wide awake and not wanting, for whatever reason, to go back to sleep.  I wanted to (not really) get up so I threw some clothes on and came downstairs for an hour and a half until the alarm went off.

No idea why I was all hyperactive on waking perhaps whatever dream I was in needed a clean break, I know not.  I can sleep well or fitfully and there's no rhyme or reason behind this I can detect at the moment.  Of course it is Monday and so what in the old days would have been the beginning of a new working week?  Maybe it was that, again I am not sure why.

It's the coming together of all of these changes I suppose.  Not certain what to do with myself, not disciplined to buckle down to some work and not really planned or over the procrastination phase, not planned, not incentivised and still expecting that the company stuff will come back and bite me. 

It's happened a couple of times this past week already - maybe it will settle down when the business is dead and buried? 

In Other News - Mr. Wobbly Returns

 There's been an up and down relationship between my head and me for years.  I blow hot and cold quite a bit of the time and strange as it may seem it appears to be getting worse rather than better counter-intuitively so.

Perhaps for some unknown reason I am dipping in and out of glass half full / half empty almost every day at the moment.  I can go to bed tonight and sleep right through or wake up and start to contemplate mortality and play through some sort of scenario in my head about something that may or indeed may not have happened!  The death question is popping up more than I'd like it to but I've just completed my Lasting Power or Attorneys (LPA) and I am documenting all the stuff I have my assets, accounts, investments, liabilities and so on and seeing all that on paper (well electronically really) and having to come to terms with various potential outcomes or routes towards that is making me a bit in and out too. 

So I range during the day from happy to contemplative.  Not sad really although I can get like that when thinking of what might have been or my children and the sad ways of the world as they are at the moment.   I imagine that I am not only coming to terms with this change of course but also the feeling of driving full speed into  a cul-de-sac.  That's not to say that this is the only way to go or that is indeed what might happen but my INTJ brain is computing all the outcomes and scenarios and maybe I should just let it happen.  Easier said than done for sure.

I don't suppose yesterday's little reminder improved my wish for equilibrium either :-) Looking back on my history then there could have been many avenues I could have gone down and wondering now where they might have led is another distraction that will not do anything but waste precious time and energy but what if I had taken those opportunities / paths?  Would life have been different?  Would it all have led back to the same health challenges, work and career moves and so on? In my mind they would have ended differently of course.  Good for dreaming and sometimes beating yourself up with the "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take."

Last year's contemplation of wanting to die was one of "those" things - I really felt so wretched that I thought about it very hard and quickly dismissed it and I'd only ever felt that way a few times in my entire life.  No need for calling SAMs  as it happens - it was more a contemplation event rather than anything else.  

I expect that there will be more wobbles on the way for a while - it's tackling what I am going to do with myself going forward and breaking these ties at the same time that were (or are) holding me back.  

Strange Emotions About That Photo

 You know that I found the photo yesterday a little bit of a shock just jolting me back through the years and I wrote about it here Glimpsing My Angel a few years ago.  I suppose this sums up (badly) how I felt at the time and I guess yesterday was a replay.  I, of course, felt quite nostalgic and recalled all the wonderful times we shared but this time it wasn't as vivid nor was it with that dream wish that it would all come right, that we would be together again.  She has her life and I have mine and daring to dream that it would all come together and the Planets and Stars would align to make it so probably sits with the fairies of winning the Lottery and so on.

The nice thing is that I can recall the lovely times we spent together and the time during that summer, recall our songs, the times we spent talking for hours on end, sharing our favourite music and getting to know each other.  The twinge of the breakup is indeed there but it no longer hurts or haunts me.  The thing was that it actually happened, that it was perfect and that I was granted a brief time with her.

It is what it is and can be no different (I sound like Morpheus from the Matrix!) of course it would be nice if it were different but it isn't, this is it, this is what happened, what life had in store and nothing either of us could have done would have prevented the outcome at all.  

So today I am content at last and will not beat myself up about something that happened 13 years ago.  So much has happened in all that time too so it no longer matters. 

Incoming Left Field - That Threw Me

 I try hard not to think about my angel or how she is or what's she's doing now and in many ways contact no longer actually exists - the odd message perhaps but years ago and then suddenly today there's her photo on Social Media - I had quite forgotten that there was an automatic follow built in to something that I hardly use and there she is, looking straight at me, smiling that knowing soft smile.  She's beautiful.  

It's over, 13 years since and yet she still has the ability to stop me in my tracks and remind me how wonderful all that short summer of 2013 was.  If you know the song Dakota then give it a listen, maybe I ought to publish my crazy love song hits from 2013? 

 I still have my list and I listen occasionally as it brings back those wonderful memories and the excitement and wonder of a special time in my life. I'll leave this here........

Fitting Things Into Place - Strange Satisfaction, Strange Space

 I've been trying to arrange to see my mum who loves a fair way from me and I need to spend a few days away to make the drive bearable, spend sufficient time with her and as bad as this statement seems to get value for money from the trip.  I normally stay in a local AirBnB or Hotel but occasionally her sheltered home resident's room become available.  Given the price of fuel and the cost of staying locally it's all fallen nicely into place that the room is available and so I can stay in the same block as her whilst I am there.  It's just £25 per night to stay so saves me a lot in that way.

It will be almost a year since I was last up there and I hope I can get her out on her electric scooter mobility thing as she worries unduly about such things.  At least if she is with me for a number of days we can at least try and gain some confidence in using the machine and maybe she will use it a bit more to travel locally.

I used the word strange space and by that I mean that when I just got the confirmation through it meant that it was now set into my diary and I have a settled date(s) and know what I am going to be doing, it's opened up more time for me this month (when I'd originally thought I'd be going) and so I can now set to and work on the areas I need to in closing down the business, working on some accounts that I just must do and tidying up my office, filing or destroying paperwork and so on.  It has delivered me a space inside to accommodate what I need to get done so I am pleased with that I have to say.

It is strange that nailing those dates let's other things drop into place and eases my mind to set to and sort things out that I was procrastinating on.

Are We Ruled By Imbeciles?

 I have to say that this latest bunch of "politicians" seem to have had their brains enhanced by the use of microwave cooking technology.  Can there be a worse show of stupidity than some of the crazy stuff we are seeing and the complete lack of joined up thinking on display.

We all know that they are lying all the time and that they cannot provide a structured argument for anything they do.  Cowardly, jelly fish boned spineless tits the lot of them.  They come out with complete excrement when asked even the basic questions.  The look they give when you see a basic economics question or are requested to explain how something they propose actually works in real life shows the rabbit in a headlight shock but no realization what they were asked or how it affects the economy, the country and so on.  

It's beyond a joke now they all appear to be mentally retarded, the lobotomy procedures gone too far.  We all see them for the utter waste of Oxygen they are and yet, I am surprised that after all of this incompetence, when asked, close to 20% would still vote for them.  What mental illness has overtaken a fifth of the population that they would allow these chancers any more time in office to ruin our economy and humiliate our country further on the world stage.  

Watching the news, that that doesn't want to make me vomit, is excruciating as we are viewed as idiots whilst our leaders seem think that they are major players on the world stage in their own eyes whilst every other nation looks on at the village idiots we've put in power.  It's totally cringe-worthy to hear the word salad that erupts from our PM and his Cabinet of misfits when asked their position on anything.  What a time to be alive.  The fascinating thing to watch is whether these idiots can sit the right way up on a toilet, tie their own shoelaces and recall what the question they are about to answer was having just been asked.  

I have a morbid interest in watching them royally screw up.  Not long now until the council polls to see if the rest of the country has worked it out yet or whether they will join the 20% and vote in the Turkeys for Christmas party again?

  

It's Been A Long Time

 At least 20 years I guess.  I woke early this morning and as my mind is bound to do, it decided today was the day to pen my book of regrets.  Whirlwind mind went off on a pretty bad set of self accusatory attacks and the pain body did its best as did I to dismiss such things but it was light, the birds were fighting each other on the Balcony outside the bedroom windows and French doors and so I got up an hour and a half early and decided to come downstairs, get the milk in and get the charity box out for collection and sit here for a hour distracting myself with the news which I hope will be good for world peace going forward but who knows?

I am angry with myself once again for not really tackling these thoughts and doing something about them.  Last year was a low for sure and that episode should have taught me what to do and the internal fight never truly goes away.  My head is in the wrong place and the changes which to be fair have already happened with the business still haven't freed my mind.  I guess my partner saying she had avoided bumping into the guy who made my life hell last year must have subconsciously played a part in that - he's still kicking around in my head but of course, he can no longer do anything other than be a prize knob going forward and I'm not the person I was 20 years ago or I would have been quite aggressive in return.

I think that Cancer is a great leveller and change enabler even if you don't want it to be.  Getting past the treatment which was challenging and the assault on your mind which needs battling as much as the disease itself, there comes about a frailty of mind which has surprised me.  I was always super confident (my INTJ brain saw to that) and aggressive (in business) cock sure some might say and I didn't get upset about things in the in-depth way I do now.  I shouldn't be annoyed at the actions of others.  I should not react or care what they do and I shouldn't blame myself for other people's failings or actions yet my mind which knows much of this will not cooperate with me.  The Pain Body and the Ego are strong and I have to be on my guard.  I am right now but 30 minutes ago I was upset with the way things are for no apparent reason.  I cannot change the facts, they are what they are, I can only run with it and let it be what it is and today, I find that difficult.  Later, I will have shrugged this off and be getting along with stuff without a worry.

It is a worry that I have these dark thoughts again, these cannot provide any useful input to my life and are destructive and a little worrying too.  Last year's episode was horrible and very scary.  It was like the bit in The Matrix film where Neo takes the Red Pill.  when he disappears into that black tunnel and it sort of goes inside himself.  So Imagine that I was sat there and feeling absolutely awful and a little nauseous when the room just dimmed and I went cold as ice and the blackness poured in on me.  It was like that - but worse!  I am so glad that I shook myself out of it and grabbed my Eckhart Tolle Book, 'A New Earth' and started reading the chapters I had bookmarked.  

I thought I might be dying for I have never felt anything like it and of course it was all in me.  Whilst there was ugly stuff happening out there it was a reflection on how I was dealing with it not the thing itself and this is the truth of it.  I have to analyse things and understand them and that is how my mind works, how it makes sense of the world and why I don't particularly like people LOL! Logic and rational behaviour and science and data are my tools to make sense of it all.  I should but cannot detach myself from these things and every now and then I cannot and it leads me to be weird for a short time (normally although it can be longer).

I was never like this before cancer but since I have been a little or a lot screwy.  It halts me being just me, it stops spontaneity as I have to plan things and research them and  the problem with that is that it is disappointing when things pre-conceived or pre-planned do not turn out as you had hoped or envisaged.  The answer if probably to try and be less controlling or planned but that too is difficult and leads to its own issues.

I need to get over this as it is leading me into dark places and is happening daily now.  I hope that I will be able to work my way through this as it is having a bad affect on me and halts me getting on with things.  Today another box of old stuff goes to charity.  Stuff I've had kicking about for years that in reality I'd never do anything with.  Hopefully it will do some good elsewhere and of course I won't miss it.  Some of it is way over 20 years old and sat in a box in case....  I need to get a grip on this and other things in my life.  The closing of the business, releasing the baggage of 20 or more years will start to pay dividends as long as my mind does not prevent or hinder me.  I hate the battles in my head and wish they'd go away and leave me to it.  

When You Cannot Put Your Finger On What Is Happening

 It's all well and good knowing that you are in a transition between being heavily involved in work work and acclimatizing to not working but other 'stuff' is oozing out of the mind and you recognize that you have been allowing strange habits to form over the years, that you are not bringing your whole self into things, that you are half halfheartedly approaching things around the house and garden and that you've just dropped the baton sometime ago on many things.

I am happy that another box of old stuff will go to charity tomorrow and I think that I will just do that from now on.  Grab an opportunity and fill a box, book the man in his van to come over and it can be picked up and reused or recycled.

Behind all of this is the really worrying part and that is I am drifting away and becoming more insular again and perhaps that should warn me about where I am - and I kind of know stuff isn't going well, I feel OK but there's a nagging doubt inside of me too.  I am pretty sure that I need to work out these niggles and worries and start to work out my own life, the universe and all that once again.  Something is messing around with my sub conscious but I am blowed if I know exactly what it is this time.  Oh well, time will no doubt reveal what it is and I can deal with it then.  

Just Letting 'Stuff' Happen

 Life's a bit aimless at the moment as I try and adjust to this no working lack of activity and try and come to terms with it all.  The next activities will involve shutting stuff down and I imagine that will happen this month and then around 2 months afterwards as long as no one objects - that's it.  Not much they can object to in real terms and fighting over the few pounds in the bank will cost more in postage stamps than its worth but you never know, such is the irrational behaviour I've had to suffer in the last 2 years or so anything is possible.

But that's it really, no more working the engine of business and now I need to focus on what comes next and that is curiously, not a lot.  No projects no long term plans just to catch up with the last 9 years of my life and so things, like I did earlier and pack up a load of un-used bits and ship them off for charity.  That was quite good to do actually.  It was a small box of things like routers from previous broadband providers (where they didn't want them back) power leads and other PC elements plus some old CDs and DVDs (software) which they can recycle which is great.

I've found some items I can sell of eBay or Vinted and I can arrange to do that later this week.  It will enable me to clear the decks, create space and try not to fill it up again!  There's a problem with getting rid of stuff but I think I can get over that now.  "This will be useful!" is possibly true of many things but I think if I haven't used something since we moved here in 2017 then it is unlikely that I will use it.  So it can go and find a new owner. 

Also, Elephant eating!!  A little at a time is the preferred way of tackling this - not all at once.  I need to learn to do that.  

It's Just A Phase I'm Going Through

 I'm always going through a 'funny phase' if I am honest.  My mind moves too fast for me I'm always doing 60 in a 40 mph zone and coming to terms with not using it to solve complex problems is proving interesting times as what to do with the over capacity.  I am doing a large family history project at the moment using AI to allow me to drill and search through thousands of 17th Century documents (Bank Accounts and other Legal and historical documents) so I can turn to that and indeed I have a one year subscription on my family tree software and DNA searches so I can do stuff with that little and often.

But the busy me the work I did for the business has stopped. I knew it probably would as I set my self an exit strategy which was that if I hadn't sold any product then it wasn't going to be viable.  It's like throwing good money after bad as the saying goes and there are a set of parameters you need to document and measure against.  It is perhaps the only way to make you see with great clarity if you are going to achieve what you set out to do.  Once you've done this you then have no regrets and you minimize failure (a word that shouldn't have the sort of impact it does).  You know when to stop, when to give up or continue based on actual data and the real world.

Many people try and continue on and then failure really does come as a shock and the impact on you is worse.  With measurable goals to check against, dates and what success or failure look like you can decide based on real world information.  You also get to understand why you have done something.

So having said all that, the end of the business actually takes away a large piece of your day-to-day life and you miss it.  I miss the intellectual challenge of learning new things.  The App market isn't like selling widgets down the hardware store nor like the large scale businesses I was involved in.  Indeed the problems were compounded with lockdowns and other roadblocks and in a way I'm glad it didn't become a success as at least I don't have to give anything to this destructive government so they can waste it.  I am however, missing the challenges and the work along with most other aspects of the business.  I am very unlikely to get involved in any further work along these lines and so I've arrived at that fork in the road everyone talks about.

Athletes at retirement have to train down I remember meeting Sir Steve Redgrave and Matthew Pinsent at a big event.  I cannot even begin to tell you how physically big these guys are they are enormous but one of them, during their talk was explaining how they need to spend years (yes years) training down because if they just stopped it would have massive health problems for them and so they gradually come down from this peak performance to protect their bodies and their heart health.  Whilst I have done less full-time work, I have been running the businesses for a number of years - I shut one after Covid and the other one now.  So it's all ended and you forget that you actually always seem to be on the job, your mind is working and processing things, working out strategies and doing what if analysis.  Then there's documenting it all, working on plans, risk management and mitigation, financial control. legal and other things and with the click of your fingers - that's all stopped.

So life is interesting as it now changes and I do feel it.  The pressure is off, the tasks are all stopped.  Just a few letters to write and a few forms to fill in and that's it.  At least summer is on its way (hard to believe with the current cold weather) and so that should permit me to get outside and do a lot of the things I want to.  The change is going to do me good as the song goes.  It's just strange being in this situation.  I know that I am feeling better already and I just hope that I can convert that into enjoying my life rather than riding into battles every few weeks and stressing over legal and financial stuff.  Here's hoping!

Twenty Years Ago Already

My friend and I met up for our occasional Breakfast get together and the local market was on which meant we could have a quick glance around and I bought a Simnel Cake (Simnel cake is a fruitcake associated with Lent and Easter and widely eaten in the United Kingdom, Ireland and countries with patterns of migration from them. It is distinguished by layers of almond paste or marzipan, typically one in the middle and one on top, and a set of eleven balls made of the same paste.)

I haven't had one of these for more than 15 years I guess.  The 11 marzipan balls are arranged in a circle on top, representing the loyal apostles of Jesus. These balls symbolize the disciples minus Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus. 

So we both bought one from the market and then had breakfast when my friend said that it was 20 years ago that he was made redundant and of course it was 20 years ago that I started my wonderful job of a life time and of course, both of us, in the July were undergoing Cancer treatment. 

It is a distant memory and we don't really talk much about it but as July comes into view we both get the odd flashback or just feel strange around that time of year.  I tried to summarize this blog at one time and worked on it but actually I made myself very uneasy and had to stop.  There's only so many reenactments of treatments that you can endure and the human brain is great at forgetting things that should be forgotten.  

But twenty years hardly seems possible.  

All Fools' Day

 The Prime Minister (checks notes) will address the nation but if like me, you think he's a complete idiot, you don't watch it and find out later what he's said.  Whatever drugs he and his cohorts are on, I'd like some because they have no idea what is happening.  

My/our heating oil has more than doubled in just a few weeks, I bought a bar of chocolate for my partner and it was £4.15 - which considering it was only £2 or so the last time I bought some - and it wasn't that long ago brought home to roost the cost of living crisis (as they call it).  100% increases in things is just one of the problems we have.  Today all things go up, Broadband, Council Tax and so on.They say we are reducing your energy bills.  But of course all they are doing is offsetting the tax to main stream taxation.  Petrol and Diesel have increased a fair amount too but that's OK because the tax and Tax on tax (VAT) will rake in huge sums for the Exchequer.  

It wasn't so long ago that we had a similar problem with shortages and high prices but that was the usual foot shooting, getting panic buying going which was a nuisance and no one learns anything - again and again and again.  So the Muppets will come up with some sort of stupid plan and it will benefit those already on benefits and those that work will no doubt be penalized even more. That's socialism for you - eventually they run out of other people's money!  Here we are yet again and no one did anything to future proof things.  We have our own Oil and Gas but we prefer to import it.  Our energy is the most expensive in the world and industries are relocating or shutting down.  They proclaim and order things about Electric Cars not fully understanding that you need the infrastructure to support them and more importantly cheap, plentiful electricity.

Some point to China saying they have the largest electric vehicle take up in the world.  They probably do but why?  Once again, they invested in a huge electricity grid improvement, they have cheap, plentiful and reliable electricity.  The laugh in the UK is the proclamation that we will be the top AI Data-centre in the world.  No chance at all..  Not unless you stick a modular reactor next to each one.  They require massive amounts of electricity and water in some cases.  The country needs to double its generating capacity.  Not going to happen.  But, renewables they say.  Well it is April Fools' Day after all and they do not realise that you still need gas generation backup for all so called renewables.  On the days when it isn't windy or it isn't sunny then you soon run out of Unicorn farts. 

Utter blind philistine pig ignorance - career politicians with no world experience and who do not see that they are the very people killing the industries we rely on, making us poorer and weaker.  Pathetic slime balls the lot of them.

I should be worried about the train crash incoming but it is probably more masochistically enjoyable to see it all collapse in on itself in slow motion whilst they blink not understanding what has happened. 

Lightened Mood

 I caught myself, whistling and generally being cheerful this morning and then realised that my mood must have lifted if I am being up beat like that.  I haven't been like that for quite a long time and it proved to me that I was getting back to my old self.  I had a period of this after I left my Ex when I'd got over the upheaval of that I became light hearted and realised then that my modd was changing and I cannot tell you when things got bad here but bad they have been with me not wanting to go out and not wanting to do anything, I'd say that was probably brought about at Covid time - can you believe that's 6 years ago now that they locked us away like criminals? I hope the people haven't forgotten - I certainly haven't forgotten or forgiven what they did to us all.

But today my mood is lighter, I feel better and empty not filled up with heaviness and weighed down by it.  It is strange and quite nice at the same time.  It's great and whilst I still have a way to go, it does clear the way now to properly spend my time sorting out so many things that I have left undone or just not got around to doing. 

I Suppose That's It - It's All Over

 That middle bit of your life, from leaving school to retiring, that phase is well and truly over now.  The hard work and greasy pole are behind me and there's a bit or regret to deal with.  There was little glamour to be had when I was an Apprentice learning my trade but I was a specialist and so I went on to do some amazing things and surfed the big waves riding on the inexorable rise of the microprocessor and programmable logic controllers up through PCs and software development and then on to global change programmes.  Right at the cutting edge of IT.  It's been a ride and in a way, in my own way, there was the glitz and glamour of all the travel and the high powered work I did.

This final whimper of a project where once again the self fulfilling prophecy brought about by big Egos and a complete disregard for process, ROI and risk management indicates that things don't appear to have changed mush.  All my life I've been the Code Red guy, parachuted in to work out what went wrong and then attempt to fix it.  

I've worked with all sorts from the unbelievably brilliant to the complete numpty promoted to high office was ahead of their ability who preside over massive failures and then act as if they knew the remedy all along.  Quite how they get to the high positions and remain there is again way beyond my pay grade.  I know that soon they will "ran out of skill and road" as the Police say.  How often that happens.  

I really enjoyed those hard problems, dealing with people from all round the world and I enjoyed what I term to be the glamour of specialized speaking events, high level business consultancy and getting things done, novel thinking and the travel (although that's not always great) in business class or above the 4 start hotels and visiting almost exclusively in Europe some great places.  A good salary, nice car, expenses and training.

But now that's gone of course. That period of my life is behind me and only now am I letting go of it.  My business interests will soon be next to nothing and that will be a good thing but whoa, this adjustment to life without those challenges and pressures is in itself, it's own endeavour. 

I said in an earlier post that I feel a weight has lifted from me and indeed that is so.  The unease remains a little but I am dealing with that as the stress levels dissolve.  Soon, even though I expect the last push back, it will be over and the strain and the pressure I feel both physically and mentally will continue to fade into a past memory.

I have lots of things to do to keep me busy but they are not glamorous or fun but I will tackle each with a new perspective and trust that I will enjoy them once I get started.  

Here We Are, It's Spring

 I can not be alone in welcoming the light?  The longer days, the warmth of the Sun, the blooming of the Hedgerows and budding of the trees and our spring forward as the time changes from GMT to BST (British Summer Time).

I find Autumn and Winter quite depressing and it is fair to say that it hasn't been helped by this project and business journey and the levels of abuse I have been subjected to.  I find it, soon to be behind me, to have been the very worst kind of human behaviour, disgusting and narcissistic, unjustified, selfish and downright nasty.  I, like most people have a certain pride in what I do and in my professionalism.  Having that questioned, threatened with legal action by someone who's business knowledge could be writ on the back of a small postage stamp!

My INTJ brain does not process stupidity, selfishness, ignorance and ad hominem attacks because what's the point of these when you are running a business that is thoroughly documented and has only been affected by the constant unnecessary changes to the development (despite having those consequences explained).  A delay of around 8 years through these actions and then the ceremonial "Throwing the Toys out of the Pram" event followed by the ugliest attacks on me.  Why?  Apparently because after all these years, he "thought" I'd made fun of him?  Honestly, that was what it appeared to have boiled down to.

So all of that has drained me and I am almost free of that so I feel that it is a fresh start at the moment.  There's not much more he can do - although I wouldn't put it past him to try something stupid - he's already done that of course.  But I need to remind myself that I have all the paperwork and he still hasn't worked out the difference between me and the business.

Anyway, I no longer have that gloom hanging over me and I am getting used to working on my own things now.  I have had no contact since I sent off the Accounts and as they are matter of fact  - there shouldn't be any issues.  I imagine there might be some noise when the close down of the business is announced but by then it will have been closed for sometime and be matter of fact.

So as this fades away - I need to get on with my life and Spring is the perfect time to do that n'est pas?