Up Early Again - Last Of The Hot Nights?

 I hope so, sleeping is generally OK again, going to sleep that is, but my knee started playing up at around 5:40 and I had to get up - blowing cold air on your body overnight doesn't agree with it obviously.

I feel slightly as if I have taken a backward step this morning but I can deal with that I think.  The pain body certainly likes to give some jip.  

It is certainly a matter of tackling the negative thoughts and working on the good things. Let's see how the day goes - it is much cooler outside and so that is a start.

A Hot Night - Acclimatised?

 I wonder if we acclimatise to these periods of heat - I don't recollect 1976 doing anything other than going to and from work earlier/later, no A/C on trains and the like.  the summer was hot as you like and I went on holiday with my mates - the first holiday away from my parents.  It was regular to see the tar bubbling on the road but I don't recall it as being unbearable.

Recently the humidity soared and that did make it difficult whereas overnight I set the evaporation cooler up and let it do its thing on its lowest settings but added the ice packs to the reservoir. Apart from my knee which was giving me jip at around 5 all was OK.  So I wonder if you just get used to it.  As always, our elders and betters interference means our houses are fit for winter but not for summer.  Is there anything these arsehole politicians do that is good?  They interfere with our lives and remind me of my old bosses who would come up with great ideas that we'd suggest actually weren't, implement them and wonder why production fell off a cliff almost overnight!  

Talking of politicians, this new bloke looks paper thin on practical policies and whilst they may have ideas on moving forward, if you haven't sorted out the foundations then you are going to have a fall.  A massive house of cards, nothing is really cohesive and the damage is being done as the smart money moves out of the country and once gone they may not return.  If you've got the money then you can move around to suit.  The politics of envy and the increasing tax burdens and the Laffer Curve are well known but not by Socialist and Liberals who think higher taxes will solve everything despite all the data and evidence showing that they don't! 

Some of the chancers we have coming into high office must make us a laughing stock on the world stage.  Uneducated, unaware of their own brief, dyed hair, confused about how many "genders" there are and whether a man is a woman and vice versa leads to concern that the patients have taken over running the asylum.  From what I have seen this past 2 weeks, this bloke hasn't a clue and looks weak on the world stage, he's doing as much damage as Rachel (from Accounts) Reeves did with all the conjecture and misinformation wiping millions off the economy from saying the wrong things and the wrong time. The markets are moving and rightly so.  All I can do is the normal of grabbing the popcorn and settling back to watch this latest disaster movie, one made without CGI or AI involvement :-)

These Changes In Mood Are Tiresome

 To say these moods are tiresome probably underestimates the last year and the last few months I'd say.  The problem is that you can look back and wonder what caused the problem in the first place and what happened to change it back?

Don't get me wrong though, I am still not through this but it is getting easier to deal with it and to control (for now).  I slept well last night despite it being another very hot humid night.  I woke near 6 and managed to get a further 1 hour 30 after the customary trip to the bathroom.

Some thought came into my head but I actually changed my thought to something nice and that banished the dodgy thoughts altogether.  Having my grandson for the past 4 days was a little "testing" but he's not really that much trouble and he turns 7 next week.  

Back to tiresome and the frustration is that this has evaporated away and all the pain and anguish it caused disappear along with it but they were there.  They aren't real either, the thoughts aren't real as they are all in your head and you cannot do anything about them anyway.  I cannot stop getting old for example nor can I fight that process or do anything about it - other than the usual mitigating things, keeping well and fit etc.  I wanted, or rather I went through the process of thinking about leaving it all, walking away, having done with it, not wanting to be left on this earth and that set of thoughts were there but treated as part of an analysis whiteboard mindmap if you will. I've been there before, first real love affair ending, cancer diagnosis, divorce and now.  None of these things are actually that bad or bad enough to even momentarily consider that course of action.

The current situation and the utter baggage it brings along need to be dealt with - the claustrophobia perhaps more so than other things.  I'm back to where I was deciding to leave my Ex some 15 years ago.  My mind is planning, plotting, analysing, testing, what-if scenario building and tearing down.  It's all to do with my future and suddenly losing the "purpose" of my life which was work and business and it has left a gaping hole.  That hole is very dark and I cannot see what is in it and so the certainty that an INTJ thrives on is of no use to me at the moment to work out what to do.  

What has happened is that the initial (Kubler Ross type) things are happening:

Shock / Denial: Initial disbelief, numbness, or refusal to believe the change is happening.

Anger / Frustration: Annoyed or resentful feelings as reality sets in, often blaming leadership or the situation.

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or find trade-offs to avoid the full impact or return to the past.

Depression / Low Mood: A low point of sadness, confusion, and lowered motivation or performance.

Acceptance / Integration: Coming to terms with the new reality, testing new behaviours, and moving forward constructively

So I'm at the last phase now and it's been ugly and nasty going through the previous phases.  The bad news being that you can slip back at anytime into the former phases.  I used to "Manage Change" as it was my job.  I find, like a lot of people, that I managed massive global projects and know about all this but cannot turn it around to manage myself.  

Physician heal thyself comes to mind.  

Actually Woken By The Alarm

 Sleep seems to be returning to 'normal' and the head full of thoughts is so much better as those thoughts are distant things.  It is annoying that they were there in the first place.

The heat has returned and so for a day or two it will be limiting what I want to do outside and so I'll just have to limit activity for a while.  Good thing with these insect bites which are nasty, itchy things.  Histamines and cream to the rescue for a little bit of respite I guess.

Things feel a lot better and I am calmer for now which is also good.  Long may that continue. 

Dawn's Early Light

 Well, that was good, I slept through until 5:45 no interruptions, no head stuff and as I needed to be up early anyway (I was around 20 minutes before my target waking time) it all worked out well.  That's great and it really is a step in the right direction knowing it can be done.

Now to build on that going forward.  Grandson will be here shortly and another day of having him here will begin.  The weekend was "disruptive" I guess you'd say but in a nice way.  I wish they'd tell me in advance though.

Oh well let's see how we get on.  A week ago I was at my mum's and getting ready to go to the local children's petting farm.  A great day out BTW with her grandchildren and great grandchildren (my daughter, son-in-law and her children).  

OK, on with my day......

Early Mornings

 I ended up sleeping downstairs in my chair (I bought it 20 years ago as a recovery aid) as my grandson announced he wanted to sleep upstairs not downstairs and so that's how we arranged it.  It was OK, I only woke twice and somewhere there's a Mosquito that announced itself on both occasions and just now when I woke up.  That was around 5:30 as someone rode their Horse past the house.

It's now around 6:30 about an hour on and whilst I am certain that I dozed after the horse event it is lighter and so time to get up and treat the couple of bites on my neck and elbow!   I like seeing my grandson but announcing at tea time that he is staying over is annoying and the to lose my bed in the process is annoying but I could see he didn't want to sleep downstairs and he asked nicely.  It isn't that but the lack of asking me first that is upsetting and I need to have words.  If I know, then I can deal with it.

Coming to terms with my change in eye sight is next on my agenda - the difference is marked and I was pretty disturbed to see I could barely see anything without the new prescription in one eye.  They've both changed markedly but some age related stuff including the Cataract on its way but so far no Macular Degeneration at this time.  I am taking Lutein & Zeaxanthin with BioPerine (Black Pepper) supplement for my eyes.  

I imagine that I will have to adjust to these glasses a lot as the prescription shows a large change and I know how bad my eyesight is now and the correction will take some getting used to!

Retirement - No Plan - No Purpose - And Me A Programme Manager!

 It's hard to take for me, that the one thing during all that hard work and anguish with the business was I didn't plan to be retired - I wasn't expecting it at all as I thought I'd still be working and could work out an Exit Plan and then retire.

Little did I know how quickly things would come to a head and I was so busy doing all that was needed that it passed me by how busy I was working on it and how suddenly everything changed.

Twenty years ago, things changed in a flash, I went from being a 'normal' person working away, finally in my dream job and along came Bladder Cancer to disrupt that.  The ripples of that disruption exist to today.  I should know I suppose, but who has plans that would have predicted that?  

So I am wobbling through this period of my life and making the best of a bad job really.  Rudderless and blown this way and that by the winds is not a place I like to be.  My hobbies, such as they were, are not really of any interest at the moment.  I have "things" that just lie around and need to go.  Lots of IT equipment that in reality isn't needed anymore and I need to just get rid of.  It's a little too hot to work on all of that although I have done a little bit and sold some bits.  The other stuff can wait until I commit to documenting and selling it.

Additionally with my eyesight now requiring correcting it's best to wait until my new spectacles arrive and I get used to them, the change is quite noticeable and the cataract that has caused it will need to be addressed at some point in time too.

At least I am sleeping a bit better, my mind is a lot emptier and I intend to work on my health and my head in particular.  I don't want to fear growing old but seeing my mother at age 89 struggling with her mobility is a concern.  Oh well, at least I am not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did so I'm out of the morbid state and I hope climbing out of that trough I was in.  I really do not want to go back and re-visit it, it was a nasty, dark and frightening place for sure.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

 It was twenty years ago today,
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style,
But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you the act you’ve known for all these years?
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Well not quite.  It was on a very hot day that I went with my then wife to the Hospital to have the operation that probably saved my life.  Diagnosed on the Friday I was on the list on Monday and I went to the hospital and waited almost all day until they got me in.  Nil By Mouth and I was a bit dehydrated by the time they finally saw me.

People tell you how hot it is at the moment but it was just as hot and they (my wife and family) brought in a fan from home to blow over me as I was recovering from the operation.  Trapped in bed wired up was not pleasant especially as they built the hospital without AC!  Anyway, 20 years already, it hardly seems believable.

In other news, I've been noticing something strange with my eyesight for perhaps 3 or 4 months I guess but becoming noticeable over the last 4 weeks.  I managed to get to my optician as they had a spare appointment and blow me down, my vision has changed massively in the 18 months since I was last there.  The biggest change in all the years and I'm barely at the legal limit for driving!!!  So I won't be doing that until I get my new glasses which, apparently, will be quite a change as I now have long and nearsightedness.  I'll be looking it up shortly to see what that all means other than it is a massive shift.  A cataract is forming too.  The joys of getting old.

I'll have to monitor all of that then!

Anyway the main thing is that Bladder Cancer, in my case caught early albeit borderline late is survivable and is treatable.  Glad to still be here :-) 

A Less Heavy, Clear Mind

 Despite the fact that my mum is visibly looking older and struggling with her legs, her knees in particular which upset me greatly, it should come as a bit of a surprise that my mind was a lot clearer yesterday and this morning.  I managed to sleep reasonably well but was disturbed at 6 by OH and so I got up and came downstairs.

The heaviness in my head is almost gone and it somehow feels clear again.  Sure the thoughts are there but I think I can deal with them.  It's been a struggle I have to say but as long as I identify the bad thoughts and deal with them as soon as they arise then that's something.

I have a mixture of "problems" and so I intend to work on them as best I can.  Health and fitness need to be part of the approach as I notice that I am not eating properly which means I'm out of condition too and part of me feels old and worn out so I need to look after myself and to take care of my physical and mental well-being.  

The heat has subsided and so that allows me to get out and do some work which also means that I can 'get things done' which again should help.

I'm left with two impressions after returning from my mum's and that's I need to just start to adjust to being old but not turning into someone old (doesn't make sense I know) and that I need to treasure each day and get out of this current rut and don't slip back.  Easier said than done.

So it is also a bad time of year of course.  It will be 20 years tomorrow that my first Bladder Cancer operation will have happened.  Interesting journey since.  

Mixed Emotions - Strange Times

 So I was at my mum's and on the first night her wheelchair arrived and it's got a joy stick control - it's a mid level model I guess.  Mum's never used a joystick before so was over compensating when steering!  She then hit the go faster button and went off the edge of the pavement and dropped to the road from the curb stone but I was there and sorted that out - she then over did the camber at the drop curb and speedded up rather than just letting go of the joystick.  So going to the farm the next day she only used the wheel chair as a support to wheel around in but I got her to drive from the car park at her place to her room. 

She has very low confidence and "can't do it" and "it's too sensitive" and so hopefully she will get the hang of it - surely it is more difficult than the mobility scooter which, once again she was frightened to use in case she damaged anything!  

I found her much worse than before and her standing and walking are really impaired albeit we did manage to get around at the Farm and at the Shops but it took some convincing.  The trouble is her legs want to give way (at the knees) not when she is standing upright but as she tries to put on shoes or get up to her walking frame.

So I was very upset when I saw this but my grand children, my daughter and son-in-law were up for a few days which was great as the got to see their great grandmother and she got to see one of her grandchildren and her great grandchildren too so spirits lifted on two days with that.

Me?  Mixed emotions as I thought I'd be in bits when I got home but actually I'm OK, worryingly so, steady, no head noise and feeling settled about it for now.  Long may that continue.  I think though I have a long way to go as I am seriously worried about my mother and have given her instructions to discuss this knee weakness with the Doctor and team - I think a brace would do the trick as she is (they think) too old for a replacement knee (s) which is probably what she needs! 

Let us see how things go I suppose. 

Slightly Better Night

 I managed to mostly clear my mind but then had to get up as my OH heard rustlings outside so armed with a torch I went and checked.  Probably just a roosting bird or something in the hedgerow.  I managed to get to sleep OK and woke twice but managed to go back to sleep or enter that sleep where you think you've been awake a long time but you were more than likely asleep.  Anyway, here we are. 

The "thoughts" are with me and I need to deal with them somehow albeit they aren't as bad as they were, it is still noticeable that I now find myself dipping into this depressed state a couple of times a day and I need to deal with that.  Doing something seems to help but this oppressive heat does make it difficult although I did put up the flower arches yesterday but the ground is like a rock - anyway hopefully they'll settle in and we can grow some climbers up and over them.

I think I am still affected by the closure of the business and I checked that the Notice has been published in the Gazette which it has.  It still affects me how I was treated and there's a sort of background fear that it might all kick off again although what that might be about I have no idea as I have returned all the IP to him anyway.  It plays on my mind.

The weight of the world does too but I can do little about that but my mind hasn't worked out that I have little power to change or influence these things and it is going to have to take its course and it will be what it will be.  All the doom and gloom peddled by the MSM is bad enough and they want you to pay for it too!

Off to my mum's for a few days so hopefully a few days away will ease my spirits - I do hope so.

I suppose that I am a bit better than I was a few weeks ago, it's taking its time to heal - hopefully with the weather calming down a bit I'll be able to do some tidying up and some outside projects, get a few walks in and gradually improve my head space. 

Sleep - The Struggle To Dismiss Those Thoughts

 On reflection, sleep, even in these sticky high temperatures, is OK.  I serviced the cooling (evaporation) fan and it does its work well.  I'm getting about 7 hours sleep with perhaps 2 wakes during the night.  Those two are generally fine and I can just go back to sleep most of the time.  It's the waking around 5:45 to 6 that is proving difficult at the Cortisol kicks in and so I just get up and come down stairs, perhaps write this blog or wander around or sit and I can normally close my eyes and just let my mind go blank - not sure why I cannot do that in bed.

It is a little better at the moment as I am controlling the dark thoughts and getting on with things.  It is still way too hot to do any meaningful work though. As I understand it, the temperature from today is dropping to manageable levels.  Let's hope so.  I like it warm but the past few weeks and the previous heat waves have been exhausting.

These thoughts are problematic and to do with (I think) arriving in the world of retirement without a plan to be here.  My poor old INTJ brain really hadn't contemplated I'd be retired for at least another year and so this is all a bit of a shock to me.  My hobbies, such as they were, included playing Golf but I stopped that over 30 years ago wen my children were born.  I was never much of a one for exercise but I used to do a lot of walking and I need to get back to that but not in this heat.  I was heavily involved in a charity and enjoyed that but it was work work not a hobby.  

I enjoy genealogy and F! motor racing yet even that is having the shine taken off.  So there's nothing there at the moment. I no longer have the business to occupy my time and the weather has stopped me organizing the garage space and tackling the garden area.  

So there's empty space in my head and in my days and it is filled with awful thoughts and whilst I can catch those and control them eventually, they do mess with my equilibrium.  Mood swings and dark periods, stress, anger, close to tears sometimes too.  It's all a dark place not helped by the news, the politicians seemingly driving us over a cliff ruled by ideology rather than what's good for the people that put them in power.  That's going to end badly but nothing I can do so my 'control' is affected by seeing what's coming and being powerless to do much about it.

There's some light as I am managing 7 hours sleep a bit less than I am used to but can take the odd nap to catch up if needed.  It's the overcoming of the thoughts and working on my inner calm, my breathing, and trying to stop the thoughts which I know are causing this.  When I work on this and impose "The Now" I can have a good calm time.  It needs to last longer and I need to catch myself getting stressed and going down the dark hole earlier so I can overcome it.

I am better than I was a few weeks back and better than a few days back so the change in weather and the opportunities that will bring will be good.

I am off for a few days to see my mum and the grandchildren and my daughter and her husband will be around for a few days which will be excellent.   I am sure my spirits will lift being with them

Adjustment - Retirement - Purpose

 I am certainly struggling at the moment, no doubt about it and a lot has to do with having no plan or idea where I go from here.  My daughter is on a world trip taking a year out of work and good on her.  Suddenly I am left without the job/project/business and boom!  Retirement and I just never planned for it, it has arrived a bit earlier than I expected and whilst I had an exit plan for the business, it didn't include retirement planning as such.

Life is very strange at the moment for sure as I come to terms with stuff I hadn't realised was there and what to do with myself.  I've a list of chores a mile long but the weather has been oppressive and not conducive to the list of house maintenance projects.  

With a head full of negative thoughts, death, getting old and all sorts of destructive thoughts going on I am struggling to hold it all together but not all the time.  Yesterday was a chaos day and in between we went out to lunch (interrupted by a late delivery I had to rush back for) and I felt OK when we got back from that - I' interacted with people and so that was good.  Anyway there you have it.  I am away at the weekend up to see my mum, daughter, son-in-law and the grand-kids which will be great as my mum gets to see her great grandchildren.  I hope that will lift my spirits.

Having said that seeing my mum approaching her 90th year takes a toll on me as she slows down and needs time to get anywhere.

Up Early Again - Thoughts Creep In

 It is annoying that I managed to get back to sleep but then I woke up and could only fitfully sleep.  Counting backwards did help but these silly thoughts kept arising and that is what they are, silly and I just need to work on that.

Out today so perhaps that might help?