A New Purpose? Reinvention?

 When you have a goal or a purpose it all seems to come together somehow.  Work, Business, Marriage, House, Family it all fits together and it's sort of cohesive it fits where it touches and all is OK.  Getting divorced was a soul ripping moment after all the impact and fallout of the Bladder Cancer times and it must be around that time that my self esteem, my cocksure assertiveness fell away and this different me started to form.  It probably wasn't like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, no, more like a series of events that changed the way and who I am/was.

There is no longer any business to "keep me going" and actually I am glad, it's been a 9 year burden now I come to think of it and frankly I should have got rid of it at the first signs of being used (and abused).  However, I didn't and that call on my time and the effort I put in were both good and bad.  Good as I still went through doing what I should do against the odds and bad, in that the other person and his "friends" conspired to thwart what I was doing  and to what end?  Destroying their business using their shareholder muscle in the process?  Hopefully they will not complain when the letter arrives shortly to state the business is shut?

So business and that stress will be gone.  There's no more family to take care of no day-to-day things like that and suddenly (and it shouldn't be suddenly really) I'm thinking options, what to do with myself and things like that.  I realise that I haven't done things for years, flown my Drone for example.  Three years since Mauritius and I've not flown the Drone, used the GoPro or used my other cameras.  The film I was making of that holiday lies in metaphorical pieces on the cutting room floor of my server, incomplete.  The garden needs maintenance as does the house and we realised that the last holiday we had was indeed three years ago too.

My daughter is off around the world for the next year or two, travelling and good on her.  I'm wasting my hours in a new vacuum, wondering what to do with myself and flailing around trying to get my Mojo back and it's a very strange place to be for me.  I had planned quite a different future for myself but this is where I am at and this is what I have to deal with.

What to do?  I am sure I will arrive at a way forward but the invisible threads of expecting to be doing some business tasks and so on aren't breaking or if they are, they are taking a long time.  I still expect to be doing something work related tomorrow and feel bound to the computer to do spreadsheet or research related things.  They've gone, a hole is there in its place and I am not filling it with activity but somehow floating in the space left behind.  Having said that I did tackle some tasks last week and somewhat successfully so perhaps I will start to work out what I want to do and how I want to do it?  

You work all your life to retire and enjoy yourself and it doesn't seem to be working out that way at all.....  

Reminder On Social Media - A Sad Tale

 As you may recall, six years ago we were in lock down and treated like common criminals in our own country and as you probably know it was all for nil and we are paying for that now still.  That's what you get for voting in scoundrels and half wits as I said at the time it was wholly unnecessary and viruses are unable to read one way signs and can pass right through paper masks!  

I digress other than how it is now 6 years since my friend died, aged just 59, not of Covid though.  It was a huge shock as I had only been talking to him a day or two before and another friend had spoken to him a few hours before!  I intend to do some work on one of his talks (of which he gave many) as a sort of tribute to him.  I have his words and papers here I just need to work out quite how I make it worthy of a tribute to him.

How on earth it can have been 6 years I do not know.  Time has flown of course and I cannot tell you where it has gone really?  My grandson is 5 next week and granddaughter is 3 in a few months time.  It feels like only a short while ago that my daughter got married!  Yet that too is 7 or 8 years ago.  

So I remember my friend with great affection as he was just climbing towards great things when he was taken from us.  Too soon we lost a great talent. 

Mostly Successful Week

 Well it took a little longer than I thought but the first set of accounts are complete but require my auditors to review them - I'm about £100 out over £24000 so a computing error on my spreadsheet somewhere and as I've been looking at it for hours and hours it is probably worth someone else having a look rather than me as I've gone number blind for now.

Mind you it's not all plain sailing as the Royal-mail App has given me nothing but problems when trying to check out - it wants to check on various payments and then the basket disappears when you go do what it asks!  Twice and then it tries to charge you double!  I was too irritable to give it a third go and went to the website whereupon it failed with some server error which it kindly filled my screen with the code as if I could read it let alone do something about it.

I'm happy that I've got some things done, the sun is shining, I have just had some beer delivered so I can go and sit on the balcony and have a cold beer and celebrate a good week.  The Royal Mail can wait until tomorrow I guess.  

Saint George And All That

 It's 12 years ago now that I went on my last Saint George's Day Club up in London and I never figured it would be my last one.  But it was and we are at that point where my life changed.  Twelve years ago I was getting friendly with my partner, we had Easter Sunday lunch together, we had been at a gig on Good Friday and arranged to meet as she was coming to the little village where I was then living to see her friend and I suggested we could have Sunday lunch.  Interestingly she was fashionably late, I had to wait a few hours whilst she had her tyre changed by the AA and so we had a very late lunch indeed followed by a walk where I managed to pull my shoulder muscle at the outdoor gym - impressive I know!

She wasn't able to make our arranged walk on Bank Holiday Monday, she was in A&E where they diagnosed a detached retina and she told me she was due to go in to have it fixed on the 24th April.  I left it at that other than to say that I'd be available to help her out if she needed it!

St George's Day was excellent my friends and I regularly went up to the Grosvenor House Hotel and had, let's call it all day drinks, in celebration.  Living near the railway station we arrived home suitably late, in fact the next morning.  

The next day in the late afternoon I got a text saying that could I pick her up from the Hospital to which I said I would but no call or text came until in the late afternoon I got a nurse call me from the Hospital asking where I was and so I said I'd come straight away.  The nurse told me had I been told I had to stay with her or needed someone to stay with her after surgery?  I thought no more but warned my house mate and quickly packed and overnight bag just in case.  Surely someone had been arranged with her to stay over?  Going via the Petrol station for flowers and a card I got to the hospital in around 20 minutes or so and went and found her lying on her side with an eye patch on...

On the drive back to hers I asked had she got any food in?  No, so I stopped and did a shop and got her home, gave her some supper and then asked who she had to stay over?  No one and the rest, as they say, is history!  I had to get her back to the Hospital for 9 and then I had an appointment which I had to drive back to almost where she lived, had my appointment and then drive back to the Hospital, pick her up, we went for a meal at what is now our local and then I drove her to her friends, near where I lived, drove her back and so I ended up as the Chauffeur, cook etc. for over 6 weeks until she thankfully recovered her eye sight.

So my St. George's Day celebrations were well and truly over.  So 12 years tomorrow since I picked her up from the Hospital and come the May Bank holiday when I invited her to come and stay with me at the house for the May Bank holiday weekend!  It's been a long three days!!!

Short Bursts Seems To Help Here

 Achievements so far are that the meat delivery has arrived, I've divided into bags and frozen that I don't need until later.  The Charity collection man has been and I got rid of some old stuff that has just cluttered up my desk and workshop.  That's now all my business books gone and some old telephones, headsets and a electric drill all of which can be re-used.  I ordered the kerosene which is down around 30p per litre from its high but still over 50p a litre up from its low just a few months ago!  I then strimmed the area around the tank so the delivery can be made.  I've made bread and now I am going to start the double check process on my accounts talking of which I have filed dormant accounts for my other company too!  On top of that I've double checked my director verification, instructed my accountant to now close down the other business interests and that can be shut down.

Seems like a good day so far with lots of small achievements.  Feeling better about those little steps.  My to do list is getting longer but at least I can see what needs to be done, I just need to prioritise it now and again, in 'Elephant Eating' style do a little bit at a time.

Slow Progress BUT Progress Nonetheless

 Swimming in treacle as someone once said and it feels a little like that I suppose.  I am working on some accounts that I need to submit and have procrastinated long enough really and so here I am trying to do them - it takes a lot of concentration which nowadays I find difficult as I am easily distracted and lead myself astray.  Such is the battle where, years ago I could sit down and do these in a 4 or 5 hour hit, it has taken 5 hours to get part way through and interruptions to the flow mean you have to pick up where you left off which is where the errors will be so I have to back track on what I have done to make sure I don't miss anything.

But I am getting there, slowly of course but surely and I am actually tackling the work where before I'd realise that I'd looked at the screen for hours and not done anything.  So I will get there and hopefully using sheer determination to go through the barriers that my mind blockades my way with.

The road back to normality needs to be taken a few steps at a time.  Here is the start of that progress. 

Disturbed Nights - Over Thinking - Other Stuff

 Awake for over an hour last night then got up early so as not to disturb my partner and raging tinnitus to deal with too but on the upside it is sunny and bright this morning.  The birds started early around 5 just after I'd got back to sleep and here I am yawning away.

I know how to go to sleep too but not this morning and on checking, it wasn't one of the mouse traps that had gone off so goodness knows what made the bang at around 3 am.

My mind / brain, whatever, always has been the biggest problem I've had to live with it as it can just run away out of control and catastrophise situations even applying its own logic to that.  It is destructive and makes "mountains out of molehills"  as they say.  It can leave me exhausted too which makes it hard work to get out of the hole I've dug myself.

It was a tsunami of thoughts that overloaded my brain in the early hours of the morning and it doesn't respond to logical thought and counter argument for there is no logic to the order they arrive at and you cannot second guess the next wave of "bad news" and accusational headline thrown into the mix.  So overwhelming is it that it swamps your senses and can  bring me close to breakdown wanting to just curl up in a ball and meltdown.  So it was this morning.  After an hour I finally fell asleep and things were fine again until on waking early I had to get up and come downstairs to just do something, anything to take my mind off of the head full of nonsense I had programmed in earlier.

I have these episodes every now and again.  It will be around for just a day or maybe two at the most and then settle down.  

People Float In and Out Of Your Life

 A chance discovery of a photo that had a very young me staring out of a gloomy badly lit room with a number of others lined up like a football team photo made me try and work out when it was taken and also who were two or three people in that photo.  I half recognized one of them, could name almost all of them but two others?  I've no idea who they were.

Many had passed away and some were hardly recognizable until you worked out that we all had dark hair, no beards or with beards and so on.  The change in some of them was remarkable and in others you could tell who they were straight away, they hadn't really changed that much.  

Of those left a handful are still friends and the rest are either dead, moved away, fallen away or like the two just unknown to me now.  It was interesting to see that the picture frozen in celluloid taken maybe 30 years ago holds various memories but some of those strange thoughts are that some of them just disappeared never to be seen again.  One day they were there and the next gone and you never saw them or heard from them again.  You never know when that point might be.

I recall that some of these guys moved away, some disappeared, some died and some are still with us.  I often go to places and wonder if that will be the last time I go there.  True of say, Mauritius and some of the places I used to work so make the most of it I suppose.  I recently saw some photos of London in the 1970s and not only have these places changed, some out of all recognition, but certain places I probably will never visit again.  

I am not sure if there is a real point to this but it makes you think about mortality I suppose and the transient nature of our existence.  

My Amazement At The Actions Of People In Groups

 I shouldn't be surprised at all really having worked in industries that appear to reward stupidity and hamper innovation.  The larger the organisation the easier it is to nurture and accommodate these people.  Everyone seemed to know that they were useless and a drain except their bosses.  The smaller the business the fewer of these you had as you couldn't hide your failings.

Our Prime Minister and indeed most of his party appear utterly incompetent, un-planned, dare I say stupid?  They have one job and the trouble is none of them actually appear to have ever had a job.  The level on incompetence is off the scale, the absurdity of their decision making knows no bounds.   It's as if everything they come up with is only designed to piss off the electorate and they stumble on making stuff up, having no real policies except pissing us off and charging extra taxes for the privilege.  The wanton destruction of the country is seen by everyone but themselves and you see the incredulity in their eyes when people dare to ask them just a normal question.

It's shocking that we have in less than two years sunk so low but you know, socialism, it never works and they quickly run out of other people's money, our money!  It's the problem when you are not governed by people who are are real life business people, economists, specialist but rather students of Socialism, Communism, Marxism and like the freshly emerged pupils see wonder, opportunity, Unicorns and sunny skies from what they've studied openly practice their ideologies letting loose chaos and bringing down great countries all the while telling you they are the good guys.  For it affects them not (at the moment) and they blindly follow their religious zealotry to the causes of net zero, energy from unicorn farts, magic money trees, the infinite wallets of their citizens and their wet dream fantasies that they are doing good for all!

I shouldn't be amazed at the polls either which are predicting more of the same in Scotland.  Surely they've had enough, they are spouting independence again but their tenure has seen everything get worse, transport, health, education and so on are collapsing and yet people want more of the same or harder?  Why would you do that.  I see Labour will get a bloody nose in the local elections less than a month away but why would you vote for a party that taxes you higher then the rest of the country, can't decide on biological scientific facts but rails against them, has a high drug death rate more than all of Europe?  I don't get that at all but the madness of crowds teaches probably has something to do with it.  It also makes me laugh that independence if achieved would mean they would rejoin the EU which would take your independence away surely?  

The world is a strange place n'est pas?  

That Was Good - A Nice Day Out

 Well that was nice, a trip into the deeper countryside and to an ancient village Hotel and it was a glorious sunny day.  It was actually good to feel the sun on your body albeit through the windscreen of the car and whilst it wasn't warm enough to sit outside it was at least not too loud indoors and we had a great catch up.  It's a shame that we didn't do so earlier as we worked out the last time we met must have been 7 or possibly 8 years previously.  Certainly well before Covid nonsense times.  

He's quite a bit younger than I am and we worked together on a couple of projects way back over 25 years ago!  How amazing.  It never feels that long ago.  Anyway the main thing was that it was good to get out, have a nice meal and we got away reasonably early - so it just meant the journey home was relaxed and I came away with a pot of his and his wife's homemade Raspberry jam.  If you wanted to live in an ideal location then where they live is just great with a small holding and village pub you could reach in a minute if you dawdled.

So I must remind myself to get out more and to start to enjoy my life too.  Yes, let's try and do more of that.

Page Turning Commences Today

Off to meet an old work colleague that I haven't seen for far too log - years.  We are meeting half way at a lovely location, an old village with Pub, Hotel and Church.  I have rather shut down these past 10 or more years being social and keeping up contact with old friends and so today is a little outside of my comfort zone albeit not that far outside.  

It reminds me that I need to alter the rather insular lifestyle I have lived and break out a bit at a time from this being stuck indoors.  It is going to take some getting used to but I need to do it.

It's a small but not insignificant step towards changing my direction and one I want to build on.  I do feel that I have limited myself in the past and that I need to make some changes but gradually so as not to spook myself.

Looking forward to a change in momentum and starting to get back some control over my life.    

Flip Flop Start Stop

 Awake at 6 this morning and I have no idea what my mind was up to but I was wide awake and not wanting, for whatever reason, to go back to sleep.  I wanted to (not really) get up so I threw some clothes on and came downstairs for an hour and a half until the alarm went off.

No idea why I was all hyperactive on waking perhaps whatever dream I was in needed a clean break, I know not.  I can sleep well or fitfully and there's no rhyme or reason behind this I can detect at the moment.  Of course it is Monday and so what in the old days would have been the beginning of a new working week?  Maybe it was that, again I am not sure why.

It's the coming together of all of these changes I suppose.  Not certain what to do with myself, not disciplined to buckle down to some work and not really planned or over the procrastination phase, not planned, not incentivised and still expecting that the company stuff will come back and bite me. 

It's happened a couple of times this past week already - maybe it will settle down when the business is dead and buried? 

In Other News - Mr. Wobbly Returns

 There's been an up and down relationship between my head and me for years.  I blow hot and cold quite a bit of the time and strange as it may seem it appears to be getting worse rather than better counter-intuitively so.

Perhaps for some unknown reason I am dipping in and out of glass half full / half empty almost every day at the moment.  I can go to bed tonight and sleep right through or wake up and start to contemplate mortality and play through some sort of scenario in my head about something that may or indeed may not have happened!  The death question is popping up more than I'd like it to but I've just completed my Lasting Power or Attorneys (LPA) and I am documenting all the stuff I have my assets, accounts, investments, liabilities and so on and seeing all that on paper (well electronically really) and having to come to terms with various potential outcomes or routes towards that is making me a bit in and out too. 

So I range during the day from happy to contemplative.  Not sad really although I can get like that when thinking of what might have been or my children and the sad ways of the world as they are at the moment.   I imagine that I am not only coming to terms with this change of course but also the feeling of driving full speed into  a cul-de-sac.  That's not to say that this is the only way to go or that is indeed what might happen but my INTJ brain is computing all the outcomes and scenarios and maybe I should just let it happen.  Easier said than done for sure.

I don't suppose yesterday's little reminder improved my wish for equilibrium either :-) Looking back on my history then there could have been many avenues I could have gone down and wondering now where they might have led is another distraction that will not do anything but waste precious time and energy but what if I had taken those opportunities / paths?  Would life have been different?  Would it all have led back to the same health challenges, work and career moves and so on? In my mind they would have ended differently of course.  Good for dreaming and sometimes beating yourself up with the "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take."

Last year's contemplation of wanting to die was one of "those" things - I really felt so wretched that I thought about it very hard and quickly dismissed it and I'd only ever felt that way a few times in my entire life.  No need for calling SAMs  as it happens - it was more a contemplation event rather than anything else.  

I expect that there will be more wobbles on the way for a while - it's tackling what I am going to do with myself going forward and breaking these ties at the same time that were (or are) holding me back.  

Strange Emotions About That Photo

 You know that I found the photo yesterday a little bit of a shock just jolting me back through the years and I wrote about it here Glimpsing My Angel a few years ago.  I suppose this sums up (badly) how I felt at the time and I guess yesterday was a replay.  I, of course, felt quite nostalgic and recalled all the wonderful times we shared but this time it wasn't as vivid nor was it with that dream wish that it would all come right, that we would be together again.  She has her life and I have mine and daring to dream that it would all come together and the Planets and Stars would align to make it so probably sits with the fairies of winning the Lottery and so on.

The nice thing is that I can recall the lovely times we spent together and the time during that summer, recall our songs, the times we spent talking for hours on end, sharing our favourite music and getting to know each other.  The twinge of the breakup is indeed there but it no longer hurts or haunts me.  The thing was that it actually happened, that it was perfect and that I was granted a brief time with her.

It is what it is and can be no different (I sound like Morpheus from the Matrix!) of course it would be nice if it were different but it isn't, this is it, this is what happened, what life had in store and nothing either of us could have done would have prevented the outcome at all.  

So today I am content at last and will not beat myself up about something that happened 13 years ago.  So much has happened in all that time too so it no longer matters. 

Incoming Left Field - That Threw Me

 I try hard not to think about my angel or how she is or what's she's doing now and in many ways contact no longer actually exists - the odd message perhaps but years ago and then suddenly today there's her photo on Social Media - I had quite forgotten that there was an automatic follow built in to something that I hardly use and there she is, looking straight at me, smiling that knowing soft smile.  She's beautiful.  

It's over, 13 years since and yet she still has the ability to stop me in my tracks and remind me how wonderful all that short summer of 2013 was.  If you know the song Dakota then give it a listen, maybe I ought to publish my crazy love song hits from 2013? 

 I still have my list and I listen occasionally as it brings back those wonderful memories and the excitement and wonder of a special time in my life. I'll leave this here........