Up Early - Not Great Again

 Another day working in the Garden yesterday and then some motor racing to end the day.  When I go to bed I can sleep straight away which is great and one waking interruption at 3 which is I suppose normal now.  However, 6 O'Clock arrived and I awoke and tried to get back to sleep but a sudden hot flush made me get up and come downstairs to see the light on in my office!  Little chap had been in playing on the PC and of course didn't turn the light off.

Looking on my camera it appears that the milkman probably woke me up as it alerts the phone - mine was turned to mute, OK's not so.  Anyway, it isn't too early I suppose.

I think I will give the garden another go to clear away the weeds and grass.  There were loads of brambles down the side of the garage that I cleared yesterday and there are some more that can go where they've gone crazy at the rear of the garage.

Whilst I am glad that I am doing things and that made me feel better, it isn't always the case and I do feel down but not nearly for so long or so deeply dark.  I think I can catch these things now and then try and overcome them.

The next battle is to try and overcome the going out problem.  I really do not want to go out and meet people or do anything at the moment.  Hopefully that will change - I need to work on that as generally I do feel better for having done so but not really feeling it at the moment.  Slowly slowly I suppose.

I cannot even tell you why I lost my mojo but a combination of factors are probably at play and I can only fix them a little at a time.  Age, mortality, loss of working (retirement), low self esteem, 20 year Cancer anniversary, my ageing mother, changing relationships brought on by these and so on are all combining to bring me down low.  I am not as bad as I was for sure and I am in a better place, I just need it to be even better. 

That Was A Lot Better Day And Night

 Got out finally and did some (much needed) gardening. it really has been too hot, up until now, to get out there and do much.  The lawn, I use the term lightly, was knee high and required some serious chopping down with the strimmers. The result was a good few hours chopping stuff down, back in for a shower and dinner.

 Watched F1 qualifying from Monza which brought back memories from 2012 when I went there and saw Lewis Hamilton win.  That was some weekend.

Then a whole night's sleep - almost waking up with the alarm which put a smile on my face too.

I think I will go out and do a morning's work in the garden and tidy up some more around the edges and do some tidying up of the firewood and the log store and hopefully that will get me started to work on the areas that need it a little at a time there is no need to go full on with this - my back is giving me those little twinging warnings and so my back brace is on ready for that. 

Much more upbeat today.  Hurrah! 

Purpose, Habit And Direction

 Perhaps some people just naturally merge into retirement and some have no issues at all as the phase from work to retirement painlessly move from one to the other?

Not me!  Of course not, it has to be a drama and a huge bump in the road.  

I had written and exit plan for the business determining what success or failure were and when to pull the trigger and make the decision to continue or walk away (you don't walk away BTW it is more controlled than that and is not over yet).  That was purely a business document and was used to unemotionally come to a decision in a logical fact and data controlled way.  It took no account of the consequences on me or anyone else for that matter.

It has taken a while, as you know, to become comfortable with the idea and the huge change that has happened and it still takes some adjustment too.  Gradually my sleep is getting better and the "problems" are subsiding in my mind.  They still exist a bit but control has returned and I can get back to sleep if I do wake with relative ease, certainly much better than the struggles I was having. 

When you take away huge influences or drivers of your life and what you get up for without having done the preparations beforehand it really is difficult, I could hardly believe it and now, some 6 months or so later I am only just coming out of the other side.  It has been a horrible experience and it's not fully done with me yet.  I've lost a huge amount of confidence and I need to slowly reestablish it.  Knocked the wind out of my sails you could say and the doldrums ensued.  Onward and upwards! 

Darker Mornings & Evenings

 Both naturally and in my case physically.  I slept reasonably well again, up at the same time as yesterday about an hour earlier than 'normal'.

My confidence really has taken a battering of late and I can probably trace that back to the business and all the nastiness of around 2 years ago now.  Two years, it hardly seem that but when I was younger I could ride all of this stuff but now I just don't have the wherewithal for it. 

I don't want to do much if anything at all, don't really want to be around other people and it's not a great feeling.  It's a nit unnerving too as I want to do something about it but cannot seem to.

It's been a week since I stopped drinking and there's bound to be something like withdrawal symptoms but in reality it was a bad habit that I got into and wasn't the pacifier or of any assistance at all.  I feel a lot better for not drinking and I have lost weight and feel better in myself but it wasn't a cure all and didn't help my state of mind either.  It was a pacifier and not a good one at that.

The carnivore diet is almost fully there now and I just need to eat enough to be satiated.  You shouldn't feel hungry and so I've not eaten enough to do that.  

The mornings and evenings are closing in and whilst I enjoy Autumn and Winter, this year I am not greatly looking forward to them as mush as usual.  It is surely my state of mind and I carry a dread feeling around with me.  I am working on it though.

Little Steps, Small Improvements

 It was quite humid this morning and so I got up about an hour earlier than 'normal' and I'm downstairs here at the PC.  Other than feeling a little hot I'm feeling better in myself and it's been 6 days since I had my last drink and I feel I have made good progress there, just 6 days but that's a start. 

I noticed that I am cheating a bit on my carnivore diet and it's just old habits and having a snack because it is there.  I can avoid that too I think and get on with eating properly and already I have noticed that I am losing weight and feeling better.

It's progress Jim but not as we know it!

My head is clearer than it has been but some of the strange stuff still lingers, the claustrophobia the trapped feelings and the facing up to getting old, no longer working and retired are all taking a while to address.  BUT, they are slowly being addressed. It's the loss of purpose that is disturbing, no direction etc.  

I imagine I will get there, it just hasn't dawned on me yet what that might look like and how mye life will be assembled going forward. At least I am more settled and calm about it at the moment. 

Better Sleep - Much Better

 If there was a good reason to quit drinking it's the very noticeable changes since I stopped last week.  My sleep has been much better and almost back to my normal wake up with the alarm and less frequent trips too, just the one last night.  I also feel a lot better too and I can feel a change in my body too, skin feels better, less head fog and so on.  I've gone back to the carnivore lifestyle and that too has already shown up in how well I am feeling at the moment and that is good.

Head-space - well that is a little better too I think and when I have woken up, I haven't had the black dog come and visit me so that is great.  I do need to just organise myself a bit better and that will come.   It is still easier not to do something than to actually get out of my chair and do it.

The biting insects seem to have been eliminated with this plug in and that has improved my general demeanour too.

So today is a good day and I feel better mentally and physically.  The answer can never be found at the bottom of a bottle / glass / can and I just need to remember that and steer away not making the same mistake I did last year and just get some beers in for Christmas!  I have a sparkling water maker which takes the place of the beer and drank early enough in the afternoon also prevents night time waking! 

A Parent's Worries

 My daughter is in the US and the last time I heard from her, she was in Yellowstone and heading south and so it was shocking to see the Grand Canyon flash flood and so I checked in with her to see if she was OK?  Well, kind of was the answer.  She wasn't at the Grand Canyon she was at Zion National Park and got warnings and got into her car as the rain / flood came and also luckily her tent survived.. She's a little shaken but other than that she is OK.

She is on a grand tour she has been away for some months in Canada and is now heading south from there.  Absolutely amazing and life changing affirming I guess.

So at least I heard from her before I went to sleep which was good.  I managed to wake up just the once and slept through until 30 minutes from the alarm, speaking of which, it has just gone off.  So just a once wake up night is very good.  Progress as I am going back to my diet well giving up alcohol and going back to my carnivore eating.  I can already feel the effects even after a few days.  I hope this supports my mental state which is not great but it is a lot better than a few weeks and months ago.

It is the start of Meteorological Autumn today and I hope that I can improve things gradually - of course, I dislike Autumn and Winter, never liked the dark mornings and nights but I quite like the crisp walks and colours.

No Bites! Hope It Settles Down Now

 Put on for 24 hours the plug-in insect killer appears to have worked.  A good vacuum up, change of bed linen and a deep clean too.  Let's hope that is the end of it but I also have some insect killer traps too arriving today as I want to do a belt and braces approach.

I had a bad head attack last night though getting worried about the insects and bugs FFS!  I then managed to get some sleep after a wander around the house.  Middle of the early hours a huge thunderstorm rolled through and the rain really came down.  Managed to get back to sleep though.

I am going to need to tackle this edge of madness (that's me just saying that) not knowing if I am going to fine or not.  I know what is happening and can sort of control it but I just need to work on it over the coming months.  I've made a start but not on the claustrophobia which has reared its ugly head again not on the trapped feeling either.  WIP.

Anyway, I hope that I'll be able to sort myself out - I don't really need it but it has been coming in for well over a year and hopefully I can tackle it and ride out the black days.  It isn't as bad as it was a few months ago for sure.  

Another Insect Bite! It's The Year For Them Apparently!

 The insect repellent / killer arrived but I managed to get bitten anyway and saw the culprit before the plug-in was installed!  Apparently a bad year for insect bites!  The outdoor camera didn't capture me falling over yesterday on the slippery path - the delivery driver had not shut the gate properly and as I retrieved the package and went to shut the gate my plastic clogs slipped in the wet (yes it rained at last) and I fell very heavily against the gate which I managed to hold on to but nearly broke my new spectacles and left me with aching ribs, a dent in my arm and wondering how I got away with the second fall this month? 

So my lesson was to sort out my footwear in the wet and be very careful on the path.  I probably need to give it a good clean down but of course we aren't allowed to use water like that in these drought conditions!

I am up early as the outdoor camera decided to go into crazy alert mode and started pinging alerts on the phone(s) so by the time the 6th or 7th alert had gone off I was fully awake.  Nothing much on the camera record though.  Some random 4 am recording but that was it.  As I got downstairs there was an empty toilet roll cardboard tube in the middle of the floor which was a bit strange and made me check out the mouse traps but nothing there so a mystery.

I am sort of OK head-wise at the moment albeit it, some of the dread arises which I can tackle for now,  I am managing a clearer head which is good. The leg cramp I got yesterday is still giving me little reminders and is still quite tender.  

It's Bank Holiday Sunday and the weather looks surprisingly good albeit late afternoon could see more rain.  With the humidity still a little high, getting things done indoors (and out) is a little difficult but I can at least do some bits today and start making a dent in the to-do list which grows longer by the day.

Hasn't Happened For A Long Time

 The up and downside.  I managed to actually go back to sleep and woke just before the alarm went but it was a huge cramp attack that did it and it was mighty painful - woke up the OH too which wasn't to plan either.  It still hurts some 45 minutes later.  I cannot recall having quite such a bad attack in recent years albeit I did have them many years ago.

On top of that we have been bitten again by some mosquitoes or bugs.  Apparently there are lots this year and shops are selling out of the itch cream - luckily I have some but poor OH has really been bitten bless her.  I have a plug in coming today which I hope will sort that out as it appears to be overnight we get attacked.  I killed one the other day and the amount of blood splattered over my hand was quite alarming.

I'm hopeful that I can start attacking the pile of paperwork on my desk not the weather appears to have broken.  I am going to be ruthless and just get rid of things that I no longer need or want.  The NAS had a HDD failure which I hope is being fixed with a new HDD and it is going through its rebuilding cycle.  

That's another thing to sort out too. All the company IT stuff - well it's actually mine but was used for the company.  I hope that I can just keep my concentration and stop the apathy of the last 4 or 5 months.  

Retirement has come as an out of the blue shock to me really.  I think I am on terms with it now and start to move on.  I have no plan (which being an INTJ is hard) and so I'll have to see where this takes me.  

Paved With Good Intentions

 Well I am back after a strange convoluted journey home through absolutely Biblical rain and partly flooded roads.  Up early albeit not too early I suppose and slept in my own bed which means that I am not aching as much - the guest room is good but the bed was very soft and so I ached - my hip was particularly painful and this morning my knee was a little twingey too.  A long drive perhaps?

Visiting my 89 year old mum was nice but she really isn't that mobile and we didn't go out but did participate in something called 'Rummikub' with some of her friends - an interesting game.  The independent living accommodation is an interesting concept but I have to say I don't particularly like it but there you go.  It just adds to my current state of mind and whilst I feel OK at the moment, it is just OK.  I at least managed to get good sleep last night and just up a couple of times.

The biting insects continue to plague us here so we will need to get the repellent out and use that.  Very annoying and my OH, bless her, has had a few days off and now back here and the little monsters have started to bite again.  It's been the perfect weather for them! 

As for me, I think I need to reset myself (again).  It is easy for me to fall back into my inward thinking, morose thought ways.  Whether I can do that or not remains to be seen.  It's just a case of keeping some discipline and sticking to 'the plan' which I haven't fully got at the moment.

The things that defined me no longer do.  Work and all that surrounded work disappeared and I hadn't planned for retirement mentally.  I'd done the long term stuff in terms of retirement funding but the loss of anything to do with day to day living passed me by which is unusual for me.  It starts now, I know what I know and what I don't know so it is a matter of dealing with that.

The other things that are haunting me are growing old, given I see my mother's struggles and can do very little about them.  Seeing her struggle is awful and she lives a long way from me so I end up with short visits like the last four days. I couldn't get her out of the flat this time either but the weather was partly to blame for that.

Anyway, I need to face up to all of this and cut out the anxiety and morbid thoughts I am having.  The brain can be so self-destructive I find.  Why? I have no idea.  

Dawn's Early Light

 Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal'  At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.

Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought.  It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps?  Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy.  My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.

So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent.  I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this.  I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum.  Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on. 

At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year.  Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation.  I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.

The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action.  I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it.  It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done.  Specific targets and specific bits of work.  SMART we used to say.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.  

My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project.  It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this.  Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do.  These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside.  It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.

I need too to work on myself and my mental situation.  There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):

• Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
• Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
• Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
• Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.   
• Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with.  Do I need or want one (or many).  I don't know at the moment.
• General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc. 
• Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.  
• Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try.  It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work. 

Anyway that's just a bit of it - and Elephant eating will be required as well as getting all the anxiety under control - I can, of course, do this but my head (or part of it) fights me and gets in the way.  

Slow Return To Clarity

My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing.  What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked? 

Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to.  They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required.  You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of? 

So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose?  I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff.  It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state.  As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand. 

I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her.  I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.

On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in.  With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.

I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.    

Rain - Almost forgotten What It Was

 It wasn't a lot of rain but it was enough to remember what it looked, sounded and smelt like.  Admittedly, it was not enough but for the short while it was really pouring, puddles formed and it was a welcome sight indeed.  Someone suggested it was eight weeks since rain last fell but I am sure there was an overnight series of showers a few days ago that woke us up. Mind you eight weeks feels about right as we have had an exceptional summer once again.

I like the doom mongering but really we weren't using standpipes and anywhere near the 1976 summer even though our media still thinks its global warming and climate change.  A few years ago we suffered the wettest summer ever and now the driest and so on.  If we get thirty years of red hot summers and very mild winters then you'd probably make a case for it, 30 years is how "climate" can be determined after all.

Talking of waking up I managed to wake just the once overnight and up about an hour before "normal" which I am quite pleased about given I had a couple of car naps during the day.

Annoyed that one of my servers is showing it needs a new HDD - they aren't cheap and I'll have to get one ordered so I can change it when I get back from visiting my mum.

I managed to keep the thoughts out of my head overnight and so far this morning.  The insect bites are receding and my aching shoulder / neck appears to be just a distant throb after treating with some deep heat overnight.

 Today holds, perhaps, a better "head" day and I can attempt to get something (anything) done.  Yesterday was planning the short trip away occupying my planning and risk management skills :-) Today?  I'm not sure yet, I will tackle that in a short while and see where we go with it.