The Teeter - On The Edge

 I had a good day yesterday and my Mattock had arrived and a new manhole cover and so I was able to change that cover and then tackle some of the lumps in our garden.

The Mattock is a 5 lb one and you quickly notice how heavy it is but it does make reasonably light work of the lumps and bumps in "the lawn" let's call it for now.  It may well return to being a lawn when I've finished. 

I probably did around 45 minutes work and called it a day as I could feel that I'd stared to get an ache.  Always listen to your body and finally I did just that this time.  Often I do too much and regret it.

Why on the edge?  Well it is strange, I am getting better sleep and my 1.5 Tog duvet has arrived which is just warm enough at this time of year for me.  I have a winter duvet but I am beginning to overheat and find myself getting very hot so this will be a good interim solution. I woke even with this a little warm and suddenly my mind filled up with hundreds of "things to do" it's overwhelming and of course not everything can be done at once or needs to.  Just my mind and it's annoying that it does this to me.

Overnight there was a lot of noise in the garden - it sounded very loud and was either Badgers, Foxes or perhaps Hedgehogs.  Screeching, snuffling and sort of barking, probably investigating the newly turned over earth?  

I've brought myself back under some semblance of control but it is a little fight between overload or just live as it is each day.  The claustrophobia comes and goes as does the overwhelming weight of all the things my mind thinks I have to do!   

Hopefully a little longer in the garden and I can feel a little better again?  In general, I am getting better but more work is needed for sure.

Apparently - I Am A Lot Better

 Other Half said so yesterday- I was a bit more like my old self and I have to say I'm slowly getting there I suppose.  I do need to keep working at it but I am sleeping a bit better and only slipping into overthinking every now and then.  I bring myself up short with that and can mainly (although not entirely) manage that now. 

It was an interesting day yesterday OH went to London and I sort of pottered around sorting things out waiting for two deliveries that didn't turn up, Again.  Evri and Hermes.  I wonder why people use them.  I have a series of emails from them all around the same time of day which suggest they ran into trouble delivering to me whereas Amazon, DPD etc have very rarely had such issues.  So it sort of slowed me down doing what I wanted to do but I was able to do some research and get other bits achieved.

Anyway a little more continued improvement is required and picking up any of these thought streams that lead to anxiety and send me off.  

A Constructive Day Left Me Feeling A Bit Better

 I spent a long day in the garden and in the adjacent plot of land that holds the Septic Tank.  I finally closed off the air brick areas of the house using rodent mesh after removing the "nest" that was in one.  I managed to get stung by some Nettles right at the end even after wearing gauntlet gloves - a part of a leaf somehow managed to get me!  

Apart from that it was a glorious Autumn day and very warm.  It took my mind off of the worries I have and so a good night's sleep albeit up around an hour earlier than normal.

The delivery company managed, yet again to say they were delivering but at 17:10 as they do every time, were "unable to make the delivery" - this particular company has done this on every occasion they have been used, the same message at the same time.  Hopefully they will deliver today.

Something more mundane is I need to replace the manhole cover on the Septic Tank which is rusting away on the edge.  Not too difficult I'd say and not too expensive.

In terms of head problems I'd say I am down at around 25% of the worst type and my mind still attempts to round on me and beat its own self up.  Quite why it is so destructive I have no idea.  There you go though and I need to "snap out of this" as soon as I can.  I cannot go on like this and it makes no sense. 

Where Did Uplifting, Fun, Enjoyment Go?

 In this country, a nation lost their sh1t in around 2016 I'd suggest.  Brexit.  You'd have thought that a majority vote would have settled it and actually it divided a nation.  People you thought you knew turned into ugly nightmarish, yelling, abusive and illogical.  Apparently if you voted for it you were a bigot, ill informed, stupid yada yada yada.

I worked in Europe and stayed at the MEP and NATO Hotels and can give you some details about where your money went and so on  That isn't the only example.  However, I'm wrong no matter what I say because, you know, I'm a racist or something!

Since then people have been ugly and intolerant and I lost a number of acquaintances or rather chose not to continue knowing them.  The whole country runs along who yells loudest and the good old discussion no longer happens.  The TV debates are rigged and favour a specific opinion type.  The standard answer to a difficult question is either one of these yelled or spat out:

1. Bigot!
2. Racist
3. Some sort of bile filled abuse
4. I'm telling my mummy about you!

You probably get the picture.

I currently need uplifting as I dip in and out of being either depressed or coping with depression.  I used to enjoy Facebook, it used to be fun and silly and you could catch up with your friends and what they were up to but today I went onto it and it was to say the least mildly depressing.  People's opinions about the state of the UK/USA/World and so on.  Stories as we gaze on watching the UK spiral down into the toilet and so on.

So I am breaking the habit on that and I think I should on TV (albeit I hardly watch it - Monday being an exception when I watch two programmes 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge') and then there is YouTube and that can be a bit too much given that I follow some channels, they too are now all doom and gloom so I should also carefully monitor that too.

I need a plan to get out of my current situation too and moving my attention to sources of doom, gloom and so on, really shouldn't be on that set of actions! 

Surprising How Much Attention You Give Your Devices

 Saturday night was pretty horrific for me trying to get to sleep and my head just filled up with things to be done, regrets things were not done and anger and resentment, confusion and a complete melt down.  Apart from that everything was fine LOL.

I had what can mildly be called a panic/anxiety attack I guess.  I got dressed and went down stairs and paced about a bit, tried to sit down and after a period of maybe fifteen minutes felt well enough to go back to bed where I managed to sleep through.  Sleep was fitful on Sunday but I was a lot better, my well leafed, dog eared "A New World" by Eckart Tolle saw to that and I read it for around 30 minutes before going to bed and was able to drop off and woke twice and got up 15 minutes before the alarm and so I am pleased about that.

I'm not pleased that I need to repair something but, once again, I'm told not to do it now, to do it later.  Part of the reason I am getting stressed is that nothing gets done, jobs get stopped part way through and so on.

I have tried to keep away from social media and glancing at my phone every couple of minutes. It is quite difficult not to do something as habit forming as checking it and you'd be surprised.  Try and work out how many times you do it.  I've cut back and I am trying to only do a few periods during the day.  I think it may be helping albeit Saturday's melt down was caused by other problems other than Social Media!

I kept away from this blog for 3 days.  That too is a conscious effort to disconnect from it for a while.

Give It A Rest

I think that is the best thing for now.  I can only imagine it is getting boring for you and things are moving in the right direction:

• Stopped drinking (I nearly wrote stopped smoking but that was 21+ years ago)
• Sleeping better
• Slowly day-by-day approach
• Returned to proper eating and little or no cheating - lost a stone in the last three weeks I'd say
• Pulling Away from too much screen time on the PC and Phone / Tablet

I am not my good old cheery self but these incremental small steps are helping.

Writing about small increments is sort of OK but for now, I think I should only report on exceptions rather than this low noise low interest stuff.  

See you when I'm older!

Rebuild Continues Albeit Slowly

 Well OH is a lot better thank goodness and a day of recovery and sleeping sorted things out.  I was pretty tired and so getting to sleep was OK but this morning was difficult but OH told me to come back to bed and try and sleep which I guess I did as I woke with the alarm.  

Putting myself back together again is proving difficult but it is a slow process and the mood swings are big for sure.  I wonder if it is a combination of many things but surely one of them are the clowns who think they are in charge of the country and the pathetic and childish way they attempt to govern.  It appears that they do not see the financial problems hurtling down the track and are spending money like a kid in a sweet or toy store!

They are socialists after all and missing that part of their mind that controls how to tackle problems and govern for all the people.  They really don't have a clue and like all politicians, lie or mumble past questions in their answers.

Worry shouldn't be on the cards and I should know better than that but there it is.  If you can see problems coming and are powerless to do anything about them other than to prepare for it then I guess that's some of the head poo that is contributing to my current frame of mind.

Little steps.  

Horrendous Day And Night Too

 I was in a very dark mood yesterday, very dark indeed.  I think it all started OK but just deteriorated into a bad series of just not knowing what to do with myself.  It was just awful, a series of angry episodes, then sad, then manic resulting in me walking up and down the garden path to get some air or try and overcome them.  

It wasn't helped by the OK announcing that her son and grandson were coming for dinner either as I'd got food out but there wasn't enough for 4 of us so I did it for 3 and sorted myself out later - as they also ate earlier than I normally do.

Then at 3 this morning I heard OH call out and got to her in time for her to pass out on me - it looks like food poisoning and after an hour or so of helping her through it all she managed to get back to bed and is sleeping.  It was very frightening as I was able to keep her from falling but you know how difficult it is to hold on to someone in a dead faint.  Anyway, I managed to get her tidied up and sorted out.  It isn't nice at all especially for her of course.  She had to do that for me some years ago.  I'm certain that I had a contaminated salad (twice) I think a mouse dropping first time and bird dropping the second time.  I was seriously not well, so much so that we needed an Ambulance and a Paramedic for me.  

It was close last night I have to say especially if she had passed out a few more times than just the once.  So I got little sleep for maybe and hour and a half but eventually manage some and I am awake around an hour before 'normal'.

Concentrating on her will mean that I won't have time to dwell on anything that is troubling me. 

Switching Off - So Difficult At The Moment

 I struggle with all sorts of things at the moment.  I woke around 4 and managed some fitful sleep for a few hours but then woke up and just needed to get up.  It was not too early but my head was full of stuff.  Problems, state of the world, catastrophising again.  

The problem with this is that everything looks like a problem. It leads to short anxiety attacks for example there was an advert of someone having a haircut and I got a feeling of trapped in claustrophobia and have to turn it off!  It is irrational and I know that but I just cannot get this stuff out of my head at the moment.  I can for short periods do it but right now, it seems like I cannot shake it off. 

I'll be OK in an hour or so I think but for how long?  It is giving me problems and of course, it compounds itself, the more you focus on trying to sort it out the more you pile on the problems.  Perhaps I need that full break from things for a while.  Isolate myself from social media, news, TV etc.  I know the answers to all of this - but there always an excuse not to do something about it and hope it goes away.  The unfortunate thing is it doesn't go away or not for long.  

I will tackle this but I have to get out of where I am.  Where I am? Old age has just hit me like a sledge hammer and I wasn't expecting it.  

Is This It? What's It All About

 Another strange morning.  I slept reasonably well but had the urge to get up about an hour earlier than normal it had been a humid night and I just needed to get up as I felt the arising in my mind of problems that aren't problems.

My mind is a mixture of things.  Mortality is playing on my mind a lot at the moment and for me, there's a gap in  my head about what to do next.  I am free of the business but that was the thing that I had been working on for a long time and it's gone abruptly and not in a good way.  Annoyingly, whilst I made an exit plan for that I did not make one for myself and ripping that "purpose" away inevitably leaves a gaping hole in my life and I realised that all the other things I did, I gave up for the business.  Fat reward I got for that!

So there's nothing at the moment to grasp on to and plans, such as they were, no longer exist.  It's a vacuum and in there the doubts arise and the life you thought you had isn't anything like the life you actually have now.  It's all very unnerving for me and I am really struggling with that.

I understand that you can work your way through this but at the moment, it doesn't feel like that at all.  It feels like a "no hope" scenario but deep down I know that is not the case and that I need to work through this.  It isn't as bad as a month or two back when it truly was dark times.  I should be pleased with progress and that I have cut out the beer and can see real progress in weight loss etc.

I need to do a bit more to get out and about a bit more but it is easier to sit here and wallow in mire of my dark periods.  I hope to get out of this in time and get back to living in the present, in the now but it is not easy to do so right now.  Perhaps I know the answer but I am not prepared to accept it?  Who knows? I certainly don't at the moment.  

Intermittent Wobbles - I Suppose It's Something Better?

 I feel better than I did some weeks back and I'm getting better sleep with less interruptions and if I do wake I can get back to sleep relatively quickly, at least better than it has been.  But I am having these strange moments now, anxiety attacks which of course are future or forward looking things as opposed to right here, right now stuff.  

The worst of it is my claustrophobia which kicks in just thinking about going out somewhere or the unknown.  If I do (something) will it be packed, too hot, make me breathless and so on.  I've had it for years and how on earth I travelled by train so often I don't know other than I used to go to work and leave work early to avoid the rush hour.  I'd wait for an hour or two before getting on a packed train.  I hated it.

So now, I am feeling hesitant about going out in case I get too hot or too claustrophobic.  It's an irrational fear I know but tell that to my head!  I think I need to get it sorted out again although I never really sorted it out before - I just rode through it. It seems to be that all I really want to do is stay home and not go out at all.  I know!  I need to do something about it and I will but I am not sure what.  

It seems that I have lots of "problems" at the moment and I suppose its all the stuff going on and retirement kicking in and biting, mortality thoughts and so on.  Suddenly I am old and it crept up on me and just presented me with a grey old bloke looking back at me from the mirror!  I remember when I was a teenager, just starting work and the old boy I was working with who'd fought through WW2 and was almost retirement age was up a pair of steps putting up a light fitting and coughing and wheezing looked at me and said "Don't ever get old!"  I can see what he meant.  He did however, set in my mind not to carry on working on site and I got into the office as soon as I was able.  

  

Normality? Well Appearing For One Night Only! LOL

 I managed to wake up around 4 am with my knee throbbing away and a brief walk to and from the bathroom seemed to fix it and then at 6:30 it woke me up and I decided to get up, stick a knee brace on and come downstairs.  Actually 06:30 isn't so bad in reality just an hour before my 'usual' so it's not lying awake for hours or bad thoughts but my knee has been bad for years but not in any meaningful way.  The last time it was bad was July a couple of months ago and it hasn't bothered me since.

No doubt another benefit of getting old although the damage was done around 1994/5 if I remember properly.  Cricket that I shouldn't have been involved in and got press-ganged into.  It didn't feel bad at the time but I ended up having around 6 weeks where I was driven to and from work in Canary Wharf, London.  Hobbled into the building, up to 11th floor and then worked there all day and then hobbled back out to my waiting car for the journey home.

It's OK at the moment, I've put some freezing stuff on and a brace over so let's hope that sorts it out.

Better Again - 'Normality' Returns But For How Long

 I say normality but what is normal?  It's probably like yesterday  after I had come downstairs and written here I went out to bring in some bins and noticed a lot of animal excrement on the roads.  So asking AI (as you do) it reckoned it was either Roe Deer or Rabbit droppings.  WRONG!  it was in fact, as caught on our door camera, sheep and quite a lot of them in the lane.  Not sure how that happened or what caused it but it had all happened and finished by the time I got down here so perhaps 15 minutes beforehand - so probably what woke me I guess. 

Anyhow, OH had checked the camera and I reviewed it this morning.

I did well and got up with the alarm - at one time I didn't think I would as OH disturbed me but yes, got back to sleep even though it was light and feel good for that.

Two weeks without beer is also making inroads and I've lost a fair bit of weight, I'd guess half a stone if not more and I need to keep that going as long as I can.  So progress is being made, the dark gloom is lifting and the sleep patterns are improving, my weight is dropping and I do feel a lot better than I have for some time.  

There's still a lot to do and a way to go but I am certain we will get there.  

Dawns Another Day Better Again

 Yes, that's pleasing, up a little later than I have been, not quite alarm time but for 30 minutes I am not worrying.  It's interesting that I woke only once when the OH came back to bed and I was able to go to sleep OK after that.

What is interesting (maybe only to me) is the difference in my state of mind in just a few weeks.  It is markedly different, A change in diet, approach and actually getting active and no beers too seem to have done the trick.  I've lost weight too, my mind is a bit sharper as well.  By that I mean that I have a clearer mind, I am not swelling on strange stuff although yesterday was a little strange as I found an envelope and in it were letters from old girlfriends which were interesting and very touching in many ways.  I wonder what to do with these as they are personal and some quite touching.  One is from my Ex and was lovely and did make me twinge a little with regret.

We were very open with each other back then and that fell away later. Yes, what to do with them?  Considering they've been hidden for around 50 years and no one knew they were there, perhaps nothing, I don't know, I will think about it.  It was of course how we talked to each other before texting became a thing.  They are rather sweet and of their time.