Gradually Sleep Improves - A Rainy Testing Day Ahead

 Slept well and only disturbed by OH - possibly milkman arriving in the early hours woke us both or rather the CCTV alert did.  Still, a few backward counting minutes and I next woke just before the alarm.  It is car MOT Test day and so I got up and got myself ready for that.  Let's hope it passes.  I also have a full service for the car too and so I need to find something to do with myself for around 4 hours or so I guess.

A haircut if they aren't busy.  It's Remembrance Day so I can attend the service like I did, strangely, last year!  I went to see the developer of the App and discuss where we were.  As history tells us, nowhere in reality.  That's a year that I never want to repeat in fact more than one, I'd say two or three in reality.

All of that is indeed in the past and cannot affect today or the future.  I know that, you know that but, sometimes my mind slips away and that's when the trouble starts.  Worry and anxiety for things that have happened or may happen cause so much brain pain!  The difficult part is maintaining that history is over, the future hasn't happened and the only thing to truly concern yourself with is NOW.  Things happen now and to ground yourself in that truism actually requires you to be present with that.  Difficult indeed. 

So it's raining - normally it isn't when I get my MOT done which allows me to walk around the town and the river area.  I might have to keep as dry as possible today whilst I am waiting. One day it took nearly all day to sort out the two and I ended up coming home in the dark.

Almost Relapsed Overnight - Almost

 Gosh it is annoying when you get woken up and then try and go back to sleep.  It wasn't too bad but it was 5:40 around 2 hours before I "normally" get up.  My mind kept trying to analyse things, it did remember that I hadn't taken something out of the freezer which was funny though.  Then I had to use my old eye rolloing trick and counting backwards to get back to sleep.  It worked but there were various diversions which I identified and brought back and restarted the counting.  I go from 200 backwards and I think I got to the mid 140s when I dropped off.

The waking dream was strange as I was a maintenance engineer in an old persons home and had gone to another home where we had the key to go and get a spare lampshade.  It was dark and suddenly a woman came downstairs as we were preparing to leave and I was just about to start talking to her when I woke up!  Slightly disappointing she seemed very nice.

Catching yourself getting ready to go down the Rabbit hole is important and not letting yourself fall for it is the thing.  I hope that these fade away or I can continue to identify them and then control and dismiss them.  I certainly do not want a recurrence of the summer's mind torture again.

Thoughts On Figuring Out What's Next

 There's a lot to be said, I guess, for "living in the moment" in the now, that's OK in many ways except that I am in this doldrums moment I think.  The things I used to like are dormant, I don't do or am no longer interested in these things and I just cannot bring together the enthusiasm I once did for my Drone flying or photography, my music instruments gather dust and I have hardly read anything for the past few years.  On top of that I have not watched my DVDs nor have I listened to much of my massive music library. 

It seems to me to be a bit of a worry for how am I going to spend my retirement?  Is there something new to aspire to?  Have I just checked out on all the things I used to do that I enjoyed?

I think that I've got some of the nasty evil head garbage thrown out of my brain and there's now nothing there.  I don't have the enthusiasm for any of it anymore. It is a bit of a concern and I imagine it has something to do with what I have been through since Covid I'd say.  The world turned much uglier when we realised what our voted for servants decided to do to us.  The speed at which the draconian imposition on our liberties was enacted and enforced was perpetrated suggests that our freedom is under huge threat and I think it shook me to the core what they did.  As my MP knows, I told him often enough, I won't forget and will find it hard to forgive what they did to those who should have been protected.

Anyway, that slight segue apart, I should now concentrate on something that brings me satisfaction at lease if not joy and delight.  How I get there I have absolutely no idea.  

Keeping It Under Control

 It is difficult to not wander off back to the worrying, anxious me.  I almost did that last night.  There's something wrong with the heating system and I've already booked the maintenance to happen in about 10 days time but this looks like it needs attention now.  So a few photos sent off to the heating engineer and let's see if they can come early.

Worrying about it isn't going to sort it out though.  What will happen will happen of course.  It's just annoying that it has happened and it is annoying that its happened now but there you go!  Hopefully they'll be able to diagnose and fix it.

That's how these things start.  Once I'd gone past that I slept well with just one interruption but I was up an hour earlier than normal - that's in case I need to get things ready for them.

I need to keep control of this, it's just under the surface and not buried deep and hidden away.  The speed at which this unease surfaces is worrying but I realised and did something about it rather than let it control me so that's an improvement in and of itself. 

Kaboom! Shocking Revelations

 Someone I've known for 40 years I guess.  Haven't seen him for 6 months and he was having problems as his wife was/is unwell and I find out today he has stage 4 cancer, spread, doesn't know where he is and it doesn't look good.  Just in a report bang, out of the blue.  Probably wont see him again, it's upsetting as hell and there's me worrying about the 6 months I've just had (well 18 months to be pedantic).

It's upsetting and grounding at the same time isn't it?  Oh well, I'd better go and get ready to go out and he won't be there today or again.  Something to ponder over I guess? 

A Misty & Murky Morning Dawns

 Up early.  I didn't fancy lying in bed and the morning has dawned very misty and murky - a yellow warning.  At least the Met Office hasn't named it something stupid like they now do with "storms".

So I just felt like getting up early having slept right the way through the night up to this point which is pretty good and I am getting back to a good night's sleep which too is good.  My mind needs to be calm and it certainly is.

I have a few things to sort out this week coming including my car which I hope will pass its MOT Test.  It should do and I managed to get my wing mirror to fit back onto it's housing whereas the one I bought to replace what I had thought was broken didn't really fit properly - the original clipped straight back on!  I had been expecting to have to bodge it but the main components seemed to be all there and it felt more sturdy so I'm glad that all worked out.  I cleaned up some of the dirtier parts and so I am good to go.   An MOT and a full service await.  

The boiler and tank maintenance are the week following and hopefully that's everything I need to do prior to Christmas silly season which is upon us.  I'd prefer if they start all of that after Remembrance day but it seems to get earlier and earlier.  My old next door neighbour used to have their tree up on Remembrance Sunday!!

My Lodge meeting today and hopefully we will have a pleasant one.  Not too many members there as there is very little to actually do.   

What If? Imagining There's Things Wrong With You

 One of the strangest things I noticed about this recent episode of uncertainty and doubt was the feeling that there was something wrong with me both mentally and physically.  I have a slight numbness in my jaw and aches and joint pains just feel to be part of this ageing process. I'm no longer a spring chicken as someone once said.

I think I might take up this health check that they are introducing just to check myself out.  I think it is easy to imagine all sorts of things when you are questioning how you feel, how you are dealing with retirement and so on.  

It unsettles you all of these negative things and perhaps it is just me going back to overthinking?  Who knows.  Just another think to keep on top of and not to worry about. 

Not There Yet - Slowly Getting There

 I cannot tell you what has changed exactly but I am getting there which is good.  What's changed?  I have no idea what has changed at all.  I feel better, not 100% but better than I have and I am feeling calm and steady. able to tackle things and I am I suppose happy that I have managed to now book things in - car, maintenance and so on.  I don't think I was worrying about them, just knew I had to deal with them.  

A couple of meetings and I am OK with attending them but on my guard that I don't suddenly feel anxious etc.  

Looking back I note that I was like this way back close to 20 years ago and it was during my treatment or a short time after.  I put that down to a sort of PTSD reaction to having come through the operations and treatments and just brazened my way through those and suddenly all the trauma and distress, pent up emotions just poured out and I recall that I had the claustrophobia back then and my friend (Flocky Bicep) was great in helping me through.  I was often wanting to run out of situations and had to do some serious deep breathing. 

Well, things are back on a somewhat even keel now and I hope to build on that and hope that I continue in that way.  

That Was Good - Much Better Than Expected

 Face you demons they say and the worry was that I'd get all flustered and claustrophobic in the Lodge or at the Dining Room after.  Not at all, it was actually OK and I think that as you are among friends helps.  Smiling faces, a sympathetic ear go a long way.

The day went off fine and I didn't feel one bit anxious.  I steered away from the bar area and was able to just quietly move through the afternoon and evening.  A repeat on Saturday and I think I will take great heart from that.

Anyway, that is good news and I can just build from that and gradually move on. 

Thoughts On Getting Back To "Normal"

I read that there are two conditions which are:

1. Things you can control
2. Things you cannot control

The things that you can control are fine - all within you but those you cannot which lead to your anxiety are out of your hands and so just let them be.  You cannot do anything about them and being anxious about them doesn't actually achieve anything.  Controlling those things you can control is actually a pretty good mantra.

Today I will venture out and see how it goes.  I can control myself, I can work my way through this and I will try my hardest to do that.  It should not be that necessary to state it but I forget these things.  It will Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) 

Let's see how I get on with this - just me controlling what I can control and see where that gets me?

 

Taking Away Your Power

 It is the last thing you need sometimes but it cannot be helped I suppose.  My cousin died a few weeks back and not in a nice way, witnessed by his wife.  I got a video call last night and his widow went through the traumatic experience in graphic detail. and it wasn't pleasant.  As is the case in these situations, you are a bit of a passenger in the stream of one way outpourings. 

Of course, the trouble is hearing it all again, in my current state of mind, it dredges up things and brings into focus stuff I really don't need to be processing right now.  Anyhow, it is what it is and hopefully she's a bit happier that it is off her chest.

Dealing with situations like this is very draining and sucks what little power you had left in you.  It was early their time and late in ours. I felt mentally exhausted and so ended up not feeling great when I went to bed.  I'd just heard that someone I knew went out on Monday night to a meeting and passed away after he left (I don't know those circumstances).  It all made for not feeling great and all out.  On top of that I have two really nasty bites, possibly from a flea off of a mouse I had to dispose of which have come up nastily on a finger and wrist!  

Yet I managed to breathe into a sleep and woke just once overnight when OH got up or came back.  Getting back to sleep and waking just 10 minutes before the alarm which allowed me to check on any more rodents in the house - thankfully none!

Today is challenge No.2 as I attend a Lodge meeting.  Right now, I am OK with that.  There are thoughts about it but I am OK but the proof of the pudding is in the eating and let's see how I get on this afternoon and evening.  It is a bit of a test but I feel better than I did a few weeks ago and hope that I can get there and work my way through it.  There are lots of people I know and so it should be OK.

The Long Road To Recovery

 I should be there by now.  I spent years with Bladder Cancer and treatment and follow ups and thank goodness here I am.  The messing with your head part is possibly the worst part of it all.  The destruction of my relationship with me ex is another and the choice in front of me right now is that I need to get back to living my life and not to let my thoughts stop me.  No one is actually preventing me from living my life other than myself.

I do find that I "ask for permission" to do things that I want to do and perhaps I can stop that now.  I am not just doing things that I want to do either.  The lack of a plan or structure is causing some disturbance (in the Force) in my mind - it is retirement I suppose so acceptance is required.

Thinking about getting old is not good either - that too needs to stop. I kind of know what I must do but get in my own way doing them.  This month will be a proving ground as there are things to be done which I am not looking forward to.  I get in my own way that's the problem!  

It's A Slow Road back

 I woke with a start this morning and suddenly felt I needed to be up and doing something and of course, no I do not actually need to be up and doing something at all.

These short lived admonishments for laziness may well be something to do with retirement and some "guilt" that I am not doing something useful or active but of course, they are just something I am working through and come with the territory of getting used to retirement I guess. .I wonder if it is like giving up smoking?  I still occasionally pat my trouser pocket and of course I'm looking for my cigarettes or cigars!  I must have given up way over 20 or 25 years ago I think.

So habitual hard work in a working environment no longer exists and retirement feels very strange indeed.  I suppose the lack of a framework or plan is the weirdest bit for me.  I like though that you can just choose not to do something.

A Mixed Short Break

 I visited my Mother and the drive there was interesting as I followed the SatNav's suggestion.  It took me across the fens and through some pretty rural scenery.  The Swans are migrating and there was one field absolutely full of them.  That was nice.  The journey back was delayed somewhat by a crash not far from where I came to a stop but they quickly had all the emergency services there and dragged it (recovered) to the hard shoulder and in about 30 minutes we were on our way.

My cousin's came along and we met a a local Animal Farm venue and then went to where they were staying.  We had a nice tea and made our way home and the next day we met for lunch, went to their place and then went out for an early dinner.

I was sort of OK.  I tried the other bed in the guest room and that was better than the one I normally use.  It was abit firmer but OH who stayed here at the house was fussing abot the CCTV which wasn't working properly which meant I had little sleep the first night but other than that I did really well and slept right through on one night.

So sleep was OK I'd say and I only had one anxious moment - that was more because the 'plan' altered but once I'd shaken that off it was OK.

Overall, I did well I think and was able to relax albeit getting mum in and out of the car was a bit of a mission - we managed but she has real mobility issues now.  

Now I am home I have a few things to do in the coming weeks including sorting my car's MOT and Service and a few meetings.  Those will be a challenge but let's see how I get on with them.

Expect The Odd Strange Thing Happening

 OH wanted the CCTV to be altered to be more sensitive so at 5 am waht felt like ten perhaps more alerts went off one after the other but nothing was recorded.  It could have been animal activity but it woke OH up which then meant that I was woken up and struggled to get back to sleep. So I am down here an hour earlier than I need be.  

I did try and get back to sleep and think I must have done but there we go, I was awake and it was easier to come down here than try and get 1 hour's sleep.  I wouldn't mind but I've got the drive up to my mother's to make this morning.  To add to that it is Budget Day and let's see what these utter clowns have in store for us.  I cannot imagine it will be good as they seem to be, like many of my bosses, spreadsheet managers who are unable to gather the big picture.  It's already been seen the laws of unintended consequences unfurling.

I hope that they've learned the lessons of the past but they doubtless will not.  As they legislate so they destroy jobs and opportunities. Businesses fail and so revenues go down, unemployment goes up and the vicious circle speeds up narrowing those able to contribute in Tax and destroying jobs and livelihoods.  Investment slows, more people lose their jobs and down we go again.   

Anyway, that's happening and we will see if it is a budget that hails an election or not.  The devastation caused in the last two budgets was bad enough so how this will land I don't know.  What may tip people over could be the rise in utility prices in January which are looking like 25% to 27%!!  With way over 100% rise in our heating oil you can only guess what the reaction will be.  They took off the 5% VAT which saves people about say £50 a year only to whack more than £200 a year back on!  Pensioners, like us, will receive 3.9% increase next April that takes us into income tax bands and the increase is wiped out by inflation, taxes etc.

Not long to go until we hear the next punitive measures imposed and are left to wonder where the country is going!

That's A Bit Better

 I don't know what has changed but I am feeling a lot better this week.  Grandson is here and we did Pumpkin carving yesterday - it was a massive Pumpkin I have to say.  Looks great though.

But something else has changed and I feel a lot lighter than I have and whilst there are still some negative thoughts arising they are not long lived nor are they as destructive as previously encountered.  It's actually quite nice not to have these nagging thoughts running through my conscious moments.

I am trying to be "in the now" which is helpful.  Arguing in my head that something I may be worried about hasn't actually happened yet is working.  I feel it coming up about something say like house maintenance and it's 11 at night and I just have to stop that as I cannot do anything about it right now.  It will wait until I need to tackle it, then I can organise what I am going to do and what "problems" might occur.  Being a serial planner doesn't help as my whole life was about pre-planning, risk management and so on.  Whilst there is a place for that - retirement doesn't mean that it goes away it just means that you can do these things in your own good time.

Anyway, long may this continue and progress feels like it is being made - you never know, it maybe the slow lane road to recovery for me.  I DO hope so, I've been down long enough.  

Therapeutic Rituals

 I waved goodbye to a load of clothes today the charity van came and got them and in it were my Monty Python "I'm Not Dead Yet!" Tee Shirt from about 20 years ago I guess and my Canada Rockies Hoodie which was 37 years old along with some jumpers and other Tee Shirts that I no longer wear but might do someone a bit of good?  Who knows they just weren't getting used. 

That's a lot of stuff I've gotten rid of in the past few weeks and there is a small pang of regret but you know it had to be done.  It allows me to dig in a bit more and get rid of more stuff.  I think I'll probably sell some or at least try and sell some and if it doesn't sell well I'll just give them away too.

I have a large box of stuff to sell which again, I'll give it a go first to sell and again, just dispose of otherwise.  It's probably better I do it than let my kids sort through it later.  

I am feeling a lot better today almost my old normal self, which is massively encouraging.  I am beginning to sleep well and I am controlling some of the other head stuff quite well too.  I don't know whether getting this stuff gone is part of it. I think it probably is.

I am encouraged if that is so.  

Wobbly Start To This Morning

 I slept well.  Apparently I've lost loads of weight off my legs and arms - I wish more would come off my waist although that too is shrinking.

We finally gave in to the cold and switched the central heating on.  My hands were like Ice and we were both in second layers with hats on and so as not to also have the house have problems too we put the heating on which, after a few grumbles and some releasing of air locks came on and took the chill off.  It still isn't on full blast, just enough to feel it and with Heating Oil (Kerosene) now over £1.10 a litre plus VAT at 5% of course over double what it was this time last year and up even more than that if we go back a little further it will be an expensive time to heat the house and of course you pay upfront for it too.   So I can see perhaps £1000 or more for our heating bill to take us through to next March - the AGA is not going to be switched on - whilst it will keep the house toasty, at that price I cannot afford to run it full time.

It was an early start for me as it is half-term and grandson was due early but that didn't happen and then he came later so I was up with the sparrows and then had to stand down only to be returned to granddad duties half an hour later!  It did help that the house was warm.

I had a good night's sleep too and I am feeling quite a lot better about things today.  No silly thoughts etc.  Let's hope that continues.

Little Steps - Nasty Head Whispers

 Don't get me wrong, I am so much better than I was and I have moments, minutes even hours without any problems now.  It's the odd small things that act as a reminder and halt my progress.  Writing about or talking about them is difficult as it rakes up the past and causes me to think about things.

These things are not really things at all they are figments of my imagination.  Scenarios that haven't and are unlikely to pan out.  It can only be this catastrophic Ego / Pain body that needs attention.  All the ugly stuff has passed now, there is no imminent threats to me anymore, no lawsuits no evil old man or his crony shareholders coming after me baying for my blood not actually knowing what they were complaining about, no work in the morning, no real deadlines, no pressing need to do anything.  There's 3 or 4 nailed on commitments in the diary up until Christmas and that's it.  

I used to work every day on this project and for around 4 minimum to 6  or even 8 hours a day for 7 days and that's all disappeared.  Now?  Well, there's noting to do, nothing to occupy my mind and bearing in mind I was doing some pretty complex optimization and then sales and marketing too the hole that it has left in my "daily routine" is massive.

I have to get out of all of this strange claustrophobia stuff.  I had it early on in my Bladder Cancer treatment and I've always had it mainly travelling on the Underground and overground trains, crowded places etc  When I was younger I could get through it.  Now, not so much it is a struggle.  

Now, here is all this time and space to do with as I want and I don't actually know what to do with it.  I've never had time and space like this before.  When I was ill I was still working.  Crazy as it may seem, having the time to do things and not having deadlines presents someone like me with a scientific, analytic INTJ mind with peculiar problems.   I am no longer the human computer that I was the AI of my day so to speak.  I'd be solving problems, inventing solutions to deal with stuff that people could't figure out.  I'd be the go to guy and now I'm not.  Work colleagues are all gone and despite the "we'll keep in touch" very few do and I'm just as bad, I don't either.

This rapid change in circumstances takes so much getting used to but I will get there.  I have to remind myself that I cannot and will not be able to get there by next week, it just isn't happening.  There is no deadline to getting things done now.  I can see the things that I want to do and can get on and do them but in my own time. in my own way.  For someone who has never operated in that way before it really is strange.  

Reminding myself about these things is also difficult - logic says I can get by all of this.  My mind has decided to throw out all those years experience and turn into a wimp!  And I let it do that.  Enough for today, I need to go and find something not to do for the afternoon!