Good Night - Up Early But Something Still Not Quite Right

 It was a good night, up just the once and slept through to gone 6 and so a solid 7 maybe 7 1/2 hours.  That's better than it was and I don't have the high levels of anxiety of last week but still something there gnawing away. 

It is (this morning) a feeling of being trapped a slight claustrophobic feeling but, of course I can do something about that, get up, stand outside, move around the rooms etc.  It isn't always that - I have started to worry about my daughters one of whom is on her round the world trip and was flying overnight to Canada.  She's a seasoned traveller but I just have this slight on edge feeling when I think about it.  I recall seeing her photos  and videos from New Zealand leaping from an aircraft and parachuting over the Southern Alps / Fjords.  Do it whilst you are young and good luck to her but there's the background worry about such things.

My worry at the moment is this preoccupation about getting old and now I have no business to work on, what to do with myself and how to spend my time.  It's a wobble I didn't think I'd have to deal with but now I see that I was woefully unprepared for the transition.  I am not sure whether to get involved in things or walk away from the commitments that I still have and it's all playing on my mind.

I am sure I will get there but it is unnerving at the moment and just something I need to work on. 

I Know This, I've Actually Done Something About It Before

 So why oh why am I here again?  

Give this a watch it's around 10 to 15 minutes or so.  

I just needed the KITA (Kick In The Arse) to remind me of this.  I know this, I've been round and around this and I purposefully don't sit in our living room watching TV particularly as I find that propaganda but I do doom scroll my phone, Facebook but not so much Instagram and all the others.

The stuff I have been wrestling with for a while and we all know how Left Brained I am.  The INTJ bit has now lost its purpose, its meaning, it's being the boss, being the technical guru, the planner, the arbiter of all things right and wrong.  I am liking the sound of it already the omnipotent, omnipresent Project Manager LOL!!

But, back to this talk.  I follow Dr Brooks on YouTube for goodness sake and I know I know this stuff - I just need to back out of the OCD or whatever I have been doing for the past God knows how long?

So the lesson is I need to remind myself of the right hand side of my brain more often - being an INTJ that is soooooo difficult I can't even begin to tell you how hard that is.  Even when I convince myself I need to do more on the other side of my brain and know the reason for it - I wrestle with the implementation as it isn't logical or process driven.  I've been here before and so the deja vu is strong with me on this and it is all very 'The Matrix'  Now where are my blue and red pills?  

Distraction In Accidents

 I live about half a mile from the main road on an non adopted country lane. It's about a vehicle width wide with passing places and around 15 houses mainly where we are.  It is a bridleway and footpath too.  Yesterday as I was half way to the road I spied a runner, a young lady as it happens and something wasn't right about the scene and I stopped my car about 20 paces from her as she ran and started veering towards me almost running sideways into the middle of the road!  She got the shock of her life when she saw my car and veered back to the side of the road.  Luckily I had stopped as if I had been driving I would probably have hit her or had a very near miss.

Of course she had ear buds in and was looking down at her mobile phone.  She did jump quite a bit when she finally saw the front of my car.  That isn't unusual but that's the nearest one I've had this year!  I nearly had a new bonnet mascot!  LOL.

I've Been Here Before

 Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began.  I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.  

The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.

This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case.  I need to talk to someone other than this blog.  The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?

Small steps are required.  I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep.  I've stopped having a beer in the evening too.  I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so.  Habit is a problem.  I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.

I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through.  I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter.  It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.

Humidity Broken - Heat Coming Down - Sleep - A Little Better

 I ended up staying downstairs to sleep while my grandson slept in my part of the bed!  It wasn't a great night's sleep as my routine (such as it is) was disturbed and as I said to everyone involved - a day's notice no problem to hear that he was coming for the day only to find he was staying does not help my current anxious state.  I had to go for a quick walk around to calm down and there you go, I've turned into my dad and my grandfather!

However, I am mostly OK I think with short bursts of anxiety and so I just need to keep that under some sort of control, it's not easy to do that but I am working on it.  I have to work at it rather than having it be a natural, not thought about sort of action.

Still warm in the office so a shorter blog today. 

Switched The PC Off For While

 It's been so hot and my office was like a sauna so I switched the PC off and have used my phone and tablet to keep in touch with the world. 

The nights have been sticky and very hot and my cooler has been working overtime. It just about does the job but it has been very hot indeed. 

As for my state of mind, well, it's on and off but generally manageable.  Of course grandson announcing he's staying this morning didn't really help me so I just got busy doing the washing up which has calmed me down.  The rain has just arrived hopefully bringing cooler weather.  

Of to see my daughters tomorrow. One of them is going off around the world and so it's my chance to wish her bon voyage for at least 4 months.  

Hot Night - But Managed Sleep

 Another warm night and it was very hot and very humid.  I had the cooler going full blast and just woke twice and for me, not too bad, up an hour earlier than "normal" and it's OH's birthday today on what may prove to be the hottest day of the years so far possibly mid 30s.  One of the hottest days I have had was 44 C which were in Spain and France and it was just unbelievably warm.  Some say it will feel like 40.  

Here in the UK our houses are built for cold weather which we are used to of course.  They are insulated to a high standard and retain heat making this sort of weather event particularly difficult for us.  Being a large island, humidity is also a problem and so it is quite different from say Spain or France where generally it is dry heat.  

I am having less "thoughts" at the moment which is good and if they do arise I can recognise them and deal with them.  Lots of reasons that I can see but I am not going to dwell on those today - today is going to be a red hot day and it just needs to be approached in a calm way as it is already hot at 07:00.  My weather station shows it as 28C with 58% RH outside.  Inside, 21.5C with 90% RH!  

Progress - Keeping Occupied

 Yesterday was a day of action as we emptied the garage and I rescued my exercise equipment loaded it in to the car for my daughter.  A Cross Trainer and a Power Plate  and a Chin Up bar which was a devil to dismantle.

We then assembled some cupboards but only found two shelves to fit them!  So I need to cut some to go in there.  We were contemplating leaving all the things out overnight but I caught sight of a big storm going off to the West of London and between us we thought not to take the chance so put almost everything back into the garage but we didn't have time to put it where we wanted so it's ended up looking like a tip but not quite as bad as before!

I was going to do something today but we have an Amber heat warning and they are saying 32 C with very high humidity.  So I'm not going to attempt that.  I'm glad we put the stuff away though as around 4 we were woken by a massive storm, lightning and thunder and biblical rain crashing onto the roof and windows.  I managed to sleep through the best of it, tired as I was from yesterday's physical exertions.  This morning though, contrary to the forecast, it's been raining.  Warm rain I'll grant you but rain nonetheless taking a lot of people by surprise.  Now the sun has come out and the temperature is rising and the RH is 57 outside and 88 inside.  Not much will get done as it's just too warm & humid.

I felt a lot better yesterday as I was actually doing something, I made another sale of some spare equipment I have and whilst the voices came for me in the mid evening I was able to bat those away.

I perhaps need to sort myself out some hobbies to occupy my spare time?

Weather Does Not Help

 Not one bit as you really cannot do much in or outside as it is very hot, quite humid and debilitating.  We were going to do some sorting out in the garage but that isn't looking on for the next two or three days if not the next week.  We will see after breakfast on that.

The bedroom cooler works to some extent keeping us cool enough to sleep and I wonder whether I should invest in an A/C unit but, of course, it may only be 10 days a year you need it! 

I don't mind it when we have generally hot weather but having temperatures into the 30s is unusual for us. 

It was a not too bad night but we both woke around 3:30 and getting back to sleep was not easy but I managed to last until just gone 6:15 so a result for me.  Not sure if OH was so lucky but it wasn't easy even with the cooler.  I think tomorrow and for a few days after it may be more difficult.  I had my thoughts come visit as I tried to go back to sleep and my knee started to hurt too so I will need to wear my knee strap tonight and see if that helps.

Fighting the little voice in my head is an on and off thing.  It comes and goes and needs me to realise what it is and then to deal with it.  Not always possible when you are semi conscious easier if I am in the right frame of mind to deal with it. 

Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.  

The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!

Great To Get Out - Diary Mishap And The Journey From Hell

 We went and walked some miniature Donkeys yesterday, the journey there was good and we had a lovely time walking the Donkeys and feeding Chickens, Llamas and wandering around an Orchard full of tame animals. Walking the Donkeys was the calm I needed but travelling home was a nightmare as the SatNav took us on some back routes and incorrectly launched me on the detour from hell!  We half recovered only to find it sent me off somewhere I didn't want to be and then took another crazy turn in and around trying to access a Motorway!  Crazy stuff.

I had realised that I wasn't about to meet an appointment I had so sent a message only to say that I'd got the date wrong and that it was next week!  

To cheer me up I made a sale on eBay which is great and I've just prepared that to go tomorrow!  Royal Fail (Mail) missed us the day before even though we were in the house.  They then asked where they could leave the parcel if we weren't in.  Crazily after I'd filled in the where to leave my parcel with full details of where our Parcel Box is located - you can't miss it if you turn around from the door it's right there!!.  No, they left it with a neighbour which meant I had to go and collect from her, she's a nice lady but I apologised and explained that they'd completely missed the parcel box I'd specifically placed by the front door with "PARCEL BOX" actually written on it!  Doh!

So I was feeling a bit better than I have been.  The parcel of loads of my old bits goes off later today and who knows, maybe it will be worth something, maybe not.  Sleep wan't too bad - I woke when the garden light came on and when the milkman arrived around 3 am and slept through until OH got up around 6:15.  I need to get my Paul McKenna stuff together as I am using some of his relaxing strategies to sleep and it is beginning to work quite well.  

Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.