Trust Me, A Trip To The Dentist And Hairdresser

Chipped my tooth or lost a filling on Tuesday, rang up and they could see me this morning which was a result.  Mind you the car park was pretty full which surprised me, it is not normally and you can always get a space.  The car park bays were freshly pained and I managed to squeeze my SUV into a small space, pay and go on my ways.

 I now find out that the new Sainsburys was opening so the great and the good, our MP and Council leaders were there and I can see why there were son many Sainsburys Hessian bags in the High street!

The Dentist and I came to an arrangement about the tooth.  Ideally she wanted a 45 minute reconstruction and that proved quite expensive and as I said to her, I have heating oil and council tax bills hitting at the same time so we compromised on a bit of patchwork and I need to go discuss what to do going forward.

I then went and got my hair cut and the nice lad that did it was about to ring up and asked me, if I didn't mind, how old I was and so I got an OAP cut for £13 rather than £20.  As I said to him giving him the change from £15 as a tip "Well, there are advantages to getting old".  

I have to not eat on the side with the filling for 24 hours and so I've bought some crumpets and hot X buns for today only!

The sun is out, it is cold though but other than that - all is well.

Settle Down Now, Settle Down

 If you recall, and probably only if you are from the UK, was the catch phrase of the late Ken Goodwin - the nervous comedian.  Where he used to urge the audience to... Settle down.  

I use it on myself all the time now as I slowly come to grips with losing the load off my shoulders and my head and work out what on earth I am going to do with myself now that the business has ceased?  I get quite, upset isn't the right word, maybe disturbed by the utter cr@p I have been through to all intents and purposes, doing the right thing. Old fashioned I know but I was brought up to do do these things.  Even if the other bloke was giving me a hard time, I was still the Director of the business and I had an obligation to the business and the other shareholders not just to him.  No one seemed to appreciate that at all.  The work I did, complying with the business's obligations was what I was expected to do.

I like that they felt there was no obligation to pay me off - I guess not one of them know about employment law and all this nonsense was going on just because I was doing my job!

So I don't know why I feel anxious about that when I should know better.  By that I mean, if it ever was presented before a tribunal it would be thrown out at the first stage.  but I guess constant attacks and mud throwing take their toll.  Back in my youth I imagine I would have landed the stupid arse a punch and had done with it.  You can't do that now and you really couldn't do it back then but life was a lot different 50 years ago for sure.

The worst of all behaviours and the throes of a stupid old man who threw his toys out of the pram and then set about painting himself into a corner that eventually he could not get out of.  The last throw of the dice was just that and in his rush to discredit me he failed to consider what moves I had already undertaken to protect the business.  Of course he called me a load of names about it but the fact of the matter was he was blinded by rage and had no idea what he was going to do had he succeeded in getting rid of me.  The business would have been destroyed overnight and he would have overseen the company being insolvent by the end of the day.  But that didn't happen, he sulked off which is great.

I should take no pleasure in telling him that we completed his project, put it to market and no one bought it at all.  Despite targeted advertising there was zero interest.  That surprised me a bit I have to say but there you have it.  So close it down having tried everything in my power to get it to market, defend his constant attacks, beat off his takeover of the company which for his own benefit would have landed him in such deep water personally and I suppose I would have been able to take him and his shareholder conspirators to tribunal for just about every set of reasons available, wrongful dismissal, non payment of money due to me, no notice period and on and on we go....

But here we are, in my own heart of hearts I know I have done all the right things, I have all of the company meeting notes, plans and so on, showing the moves that have been made and the work that has been done, what has been achieved and of course got it to market and so on. Whilst I know I have done everything and more that could have been asked of me this evil vindictive old man has made my life hell and I am still affected by it for no reason.  It's the sort of coercive control type thing but he has ended up with nothing and it must have cost him a fortune to pay for solicitor's letters and the like.  

I'm trying to think how I an explain him to you.  When I first met him he was an eccentric Englishman with an interesting proposition but no ideas how to get it across the line or even start.  He reminds me of Gollum or perhaps Bilbo in the Lord of the Rings where suddenly, they turn from being pleasant into demons.  That's how I think of him.  Twenty or thirty years ago I could hold my own against bullies and yet now, not so much - it really has got to me and dealing with an unpleasant, ignorant, intransigent thug stresses me more than I can say and this level of stupidity appears to know no bounds.

It is of course his problem but I think that my own issue is that I take exception to be called unprofessional,  accused of doing things illegally and just reading his pages of lies.  He's a sick minded guy and has caused me enough grief which I don't need.  I hope that I am climbing out of the rut I have built for myself and in all seriousness I hope he rots in hell! 

Learned Behaviour - Pavlov's Dogs - Me?

 This getting used to being on the way to unburdened and dare I say free (as much as you can be in our current socialist utopia) is actually difficult.  Whilst it hasn't been continuous, the way that this bloke with a grudge has fired off at me for accepting his resignation and withdrawal from the project has left a back of my mind concern every time I do something I expect the hurl of abuse like before but now I think it is going to have to be, if anything, the last word letter.  It was last time and so I expect it now but there is, in reality nothing he can do.  What he may feel he can do is now seriously limited and it would be like arguing with rock.

If he does complain to the authorities then he will have to 1). Have something to complain about and 2). Have something concrete to show them.  Neither of which he has of course.  He has no documentation to speak of and that he has is my response to his accusations which destroy his assertions and of course, I still have the very original letter where he distances himself entirely from the project.  And who is going to arbitrate this considering I offered arbitration and he refused?  The other thing is that unless he has sound paperwork to go to the authorities with - he will be treated to a polite direction towards the door. 

If the company has had its Accounts duly prepared by Chartered Accountants and accepted by Companies House and HMRC then there's not much ground to his hearsay and invisible evidence.

I convince myself that if he did any of this, he'd find his way blocked and whilst it may be reviewed initially it will be found to run out of steam at the first hurdle.

So I am pretty confident about all of this logically and yet he is not logical and that's my worry.  Having seen his previous meandering, accusatory and circular ramblings what could he do next?  The answer I know is that it is not a lot.  There is nothing he can do and that should be that.  The business is no more and I just need to follow the process and have done with it.  

I can feel and taste freedom.  Yesterday on a whim we went out to lunch and I do feel much better but I suppose these fears and dreads I have are that he cuts up rough but once again to do and achieve what?  There is nothing more he can do.  There's no money left, the business is dead and that's that.  RIP the business.  

So I realise this is some sort of problem I have, I expect this bloke to be an arse, to send me his solicitor's letters and that's annoying but what can he do now, why would he even want to?  Why am I dreading the post, why is it disturbing me so much?  It's a tiny company, not some multi million dollar corporation.  Shutting it down SHOULD be an end to it all.  It is what it is, there is no logical reason to counter it or try and do anything about it.  Yet still my mind is whirling with all those possibilities and it's not fair or reasonable, it belittles all the work I have done to actually get the idea to market.  That it failed the final test and nobody actually bought it, tells the ultimate truth.  Customers voted with their wallets and not one sale happened.  That's absolute proof that whilst they downloaded it - they did not want to part with cash to purchase it.  

That absolute is the bottom line and still I worry that he will complain but you know that's me.  It will be over soon and there will be no need to worry about it at all.  He can do what he wants I guess.

I have to get over this which is taking a little time.  18 months of the abuse from this guy has taken its toll on me but let's get past this and have done with it and I need no longer worry about him and his cronies ever again.  I get short bursts of freedom and I am going to expand on these in the coming months as I regain my freedom and start living a retired life.  That's the plan but I am sure I will keep circling back here but hopefully with less frequency and less stress in my head.  He isn't worth it. 

It's All Gone Quiet - What's Wrong?

 The lull before the storm, perhaps?  Run out of breath, maybe? I hope that it is they've run out of ideas and as they don't know what is coming next, they're waiting to see.

Accounts for last year are now sent and these, being about 9 months on from the accounting date are probably meaningless to my detractors.  I enjoyed posting them off and producing the shortest covering letter to go with them.  

The next accounts they will see are the ones that show the demise of the business and close down which has in effect already happened.  I have to work out whether to say anything about them in a detrimental way - I could get a point across if I really wanted to.  But the real talking point will be to show that the business made no money at all, not a cent :-)  I have all the defending paperwork on what we did to market and sell the product and an astute reader would probably work it out from those.  At the back of my mind I'd like to explain what happened and show the figures to prove that I spent time and money to achieve a phenomenal number of views, visits and downloads and yet despite that, not one person looked to buy it.

I think that is perhaps worth me keeping to one side and bringing out should anyone try and dish the dirt on me.  They probably can say something but they haven't got anything to go at me for considering the way they treated me last year.  Siding with your friend to mount a hostile takeover and not reading the company specifics and ignoring the facts right in your face and then losing your motion should have alerted them to something you would have thought.  After shooting down each of the assertions with logical and business argument you'd have thought one of them would have at least asked why they were doing this? The reality was that I had a logical and data backed answer for each of the points which were adhominem and not business, contractual or legal arguments but hurtey feeley nonsense.

Shortly they will receive a letter stating that the business has breathed it last dying breath and has already ceased trading.  They have 2 months to argue that case with Companies House.  I have already told them and the individual on many occassions that if they have a case, then they should have the relevant paperwork or agreements or something else to back up their assertions and that they should provide copies of such.  Of course they don't have these things, not at all and so, if they should go to Companies House, the strike off may be delayed but as they do not have any evidence for their assertions, there might be a slight delay whilst they ask for the necessary paperwork, as it doesn't exist and there is no money in the bank from zero sales it won't go far.

I am dreading what these people may do but there actions are limited or doomed to failure.  I look forward to seeing it all disappear and that they never darken my door again.

Here We Are, Sunday, A Day Of Rest - Supposedly

 Yesterday it started to feel a little more real as I was able to spend a little time out on the balcony just sitting, with a cold beer (I know I shouldn't) and enjoying the sun, a very little breeze and listen to the birds and other sounds around me.

It's good for you and as long as the phone isn't buzzing and bonging then everything is OK.  The birds were getting excited and there's nest building going on.  The Pheasants are making their (almost) Turkey like cries and I have no idea what the Jackdaws were up to, a huge flock were noisily making their way between the fields at the back here.

Living in the country is what we aspired to and I got to appreciate it more yesterday. Which brings us to today, Sunday and it's not quite so sunny and it sure is cold but everyday the morning and evening times are getting lighter, it seems to happen so quick that I was moaning about how dark it was in the mornings and how quickly it all closed in in the afternoon and here we are, in a week we will be turning the clocks forward!

I've been working on a new project to do with my family history which involves going through thousands of banking ledgers from around the time of the Great Fire of London.  They are an amazing record of the trade happening around the time of the Restoration.  My merchant ancestors appear fleetingly in these records as do their neighbours and wider family.  It is interesting but it is heavy work going through the many thousands of accounts and trying to work out who is who and how the wheels of the Merchant classes worked.  Gold and Silver bullion, metals, produce and the inter connections are all intertwined in a surprising dance together with the trivial there are glimpses of the rebuilding of London, the various Guilds, the Lord mayor, Aldermen and then there are Naval records and so on.  It's quite an undertaking but also quite enjoyable too.

I do feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I don't have this tension and stress induced tightness around my chest anymore.  If I need to take a break, I can grab a coffee and just wander out into the garden or up to the balcony and let the world drift on around me.  The difficulty is that I have always been running at 90 miles an hour and this sudden deceleration and a need to be "Doing things" is challenging as we probably aren't meant to live that way.  

Making room to do other things is perhaps my next mission.  I have my Drones, cameras, family history to name but a few things to occupy my time and mind.  The struggle is changing 50 (or more) years of doing stuff or other people.  I need to be doing things for myself including taking it easy and leaving a gap for nature, peace and quiet, some real R&R. 

The Journey, The Drift, Missing Links

Browsing through Facebook and LinkedIn I can see people from my past and I suppose I could drop them a message and see how they are but I don't and neither do they drop me a line.  I have very few close friends and that's probably to do with whether these people are 'true' friends or acquaintances, work colleagues or some other connection.  I've been disappointed it would be fair to say and people are net users of my time and my generosity of character and of my money too.  Sure I'd help out someone in time of need but the problem is that they are very forgetful, perhaps they have some sort of dementia and any obligation once they've gotten back onto their feet again soon evaporates and disappears.

So it was this morning that I remembered someone who I was close to - we hung around together and we used to spend time with each other, I'd help out and we'd often meet in London, Glasgow and so on and then he moved away and whilst I stayed in contact for a while, it faded into the distance.  Last Christmas I send a card and this time didn't receive one back.  That seems to be the way it goes and having said that I will be seeing an old colleague next month which will be great, he lives way down towards the coast and lives in a lovely village where he is now integrated into the community and I have to say his location is idyllic and he has all those sorts of things you'd want a lovely old house, a lot of land, the village pub and church are withing a minutes walk.  It will be nice to meet up again, we worked together in Wiltshire, Bedfordshire and quite a bit in London too.  

But as I look back I see this drift in and out, this coming and going of these relationships and it is strange how that happens.  One day you are hardly out of each other's pockets and then, for whatever reason, you never see them again.  I recall starting a new job some distance away and being right in the thick of it trying to establish myself and sort out the various offices I was in charge of and my life was erased, I only met one or two of those old colleagues from my previous life (for I had changed career from Electrical Engineering to full on IT and Software development, global change and so on).  It took me around Europe and the UK.

There are a couple of people that I'd like to have kept in touch with but it was too late to track them down.  For two or three years I'd worked with this great lady and we'd travelled around together and regularly travelled home together and so that was a bit of a regret I suppose.

Anyway, it was just this life journey and these short or long interactions and unbeknown to you, one day you are great friends or work colleagues and then you never see or hear from them again, the drift sets in and you each continue on your own journey.  

Apprehension & Stress Levels Slowly Fading Away

 It really did upset me, these past 18 months or so with all the stress caused by someone who made a rash and hasty decision and then started to go to war with me because things didn't turn out the way he wanted them to.

I am and I am not glad that I took his idea through to its conclusion and I could well have at the time he walked away shut it all down.  That would probably have been a good thing I suppose but no, I was left as the Director in charge of a business that's mission was to get this thing over the line and for good or bad see if the public warmed to it.  Well we know that they didn't and for whatever reason, no one bought it.  Plenty downloaded and tried it but no one bought it.  The only course of action was to close it down and that's where we are now.

I felt quite stressful about doing that but actually, that's what has to happen - there's no money, the thing isn't selling and the only course of action is to shut it down.  Which I have now commenced.

Still I feel that this bloke would be demanding something - I have no idea what that might be but he can now go and fight with Companies House when that comes to it or to The Chartered Accountants organization and see how far he gets with that. Not far I'd hazard a guess and if anyone wants to see the Company records then they'll actually see the nonsense that has happened but of course, there is nothing on the business side.  There's no money left and creditors are well, me!

Anyway, as the days tick by I am feeling less anxious and a lot calmer than I have been.  Just winding things up and archiving it all is therapeutic and soon it will all be a done deal.  Let's hope so!  

Anyway, things are gradually improving and with it my mood, this and with Spring and lighter days and evenings lifts my mood a day at a time.  I actually notice the lightness of my mood and that encourages me for better times ahead. 

Levels Of Incompetence Off The Scale

 For someone who worked in a risk managed way for my whole career I observe with jaw dropping incredulity the pathetic thrashing about of our governing classes.  There's no plan, not even now, to protect the citizens of this country from the ongoing impacts of the crisis in the Middle East and prices have rocketed and yet we are told just 25% of the world's oil and gas products come from this area!  So that means that 75% comes from elsewhere I suppose?  

In an effort to cool the planet by 0.0001 Degrees C our successive Governments have blown up power stations, stopped exploration, stopped fracking, poured concrete down wells and we have the highest energy prices in the world, yes in the world and all so we can worship at the alter of Net Zero and change the climate by making ourselves poorer and bankrupting the country!  

Under our feet are huge gas deposits and out in the North Sea are fields of Oil and Gas and we make it almost impossible to drill or explore for new stuff,  huge taxes on producers have put many thousands out of work and affected industry so that we don't really have anything left.

We rely on others for our fuel and also interconnects to keep the lights on and no one sees the bleeding obvious where one Minister talks about getting 40+ AI Server centres and the other increases the scarcity and price of the fuel needed to run them.  Forty Five of these would require a doubling of capacity of what we have now!   There are no plans just talk, no idea of the level of investment required and no relaxing of taxes on those who want to build them.  How can they be so thick?  Why are they so stupid?  They just cannot connect one thing with the other.  They tackle one thing and make the rest worse, then they tackle that and it still gets worse and they have absolutely no idea why.

The level of ignorance and incompetence really is off the scale. We can see it logically and clearly but somehow they don't see it at all, they have no idea, no planning, no direction.  The trouble is, like every socialist government before them, they run out of other people's money, they destroy whole industries and the country is left in ruins to be picked up by people who need to do difficult things to fix it.

I can't see there's much left and it's coming up to two years of this utter shambles and people can hardly afford to live.  The hierarchy of needs is skewed and the gulf between the haves and have nots grows, patience wears thin and trust even thinner.  

The cost to heat my house has more than doubled and food and other bills have also exploded after 2020.  Meanwhile the government pisses on us tell us it's raining.  

Interesting Prospect Upcoming

 The rise in Oil Heating Oil (Kerosene) is going to be problematic.  Why, I hear you ask? well unlike other fuel / energy Gas and Electric - you pay in advance and generally you future buy 3 to 6 months worth and it isn't a monthly in arrears transaction.  In my case it has gone from around 55p +VAT at 5% per litre and you have to order a minimum of 500 litres.  In a couple of weeks since the Iran conflict it has risen to £1.34 +5% per litre!

Considering I get just over £1,000 per month for my pension to fill 500 litres would take around 70% of that in one hit.  Sure it will last me 3 months maybe but consider that just last month it would have been 28% of my pension and you can see what an impact this will have.

Ah ha I hear you say but the Government are going to put £53 Million into a pot so we can be helped out.  Yes but I'd probably have to be on some form of benefit to get any assistance so it's probably not going to happen.  Bring back Covid lock down when it was 18p a litre and we could fill our socks LOL  No, not really but look at the jump in price.

Anyway, I suppose it is lucky it is coming into Spring and Summer when we use less.  I do feel sorry for those who's budgets are shot to pieces by this conflict though.  If only we had our own resources in the UK?  Wait, what? You poured concrete into the well heads, blew up the power stations and raised taxes to the point where it was economical to supply our won fuel and you stopped any further exploration deeming it better to buy the stuff extracted from the very same fields via Norway.

Foot shooting in extremis by successive politicians / governments who clamber for our votes.  Complete tossers the lot of them.  Luckily though, they aren't affected by their own decisions! 

Off We Jolly Well Go

 So the company accounts are completed and approved, signed off and delivered.  Sending them off to the Shareholders - I wonder what they'll make of them?  Of course these are from last year - they do not know that the business has effectively closed and that will become evident in a few weeks time when I will once again and I hope, for the final time, write to tell them.  

I felt a little nervous printing it all off to be sent but then again, it is what it is and they can go argue with the Accountant if they want.  I suppose they could argue with me but that will go nowhere and maybe they can try some other nonsense but let's see what happens.  I think one of them will kick off but it's no use kicking off with me as to all intents and purposes the company is no more, isn't trading and will soon not have a bank account or anything.  Good luck with that sonny Jim.  I have taken just about enough sh1t from him anyway and it's a shame that we can't settle this in the old fashioned way you know, like a duel of something LOL.  Frankly back in the day for being that annoying to me I think I would have set to and verbally abused him and then I recall that actually I did verbally abuse him!  He completely deserved that of course.

Anyway we are on the slope away now and that I hope will end this bitter nastiness.  People are strange when they fulfil their self fulfilling prophecies.  They self destruct and then blame everyone except themselves!  Well good riddance to bad rubbish!  

An Awkward Conversation With Mum

 My brother is an interesting character he's far more "emotional" than I am and added to that he reacts differently.  It was Mother's Day yesterday and I spoke to my mum on this video link I set up with here - years ago and so we see each other like that most of the time.  She was a little bit down and as she said, she's getting close to 89 now and I think she is doing great for her age but she is having ore mobility issues and so the flat has been upgraded with aids to help her get about.  The main problem is her joints are extremely painful and so every now and again she gets down and I think I would too as it takes ages to get dressed and to go anywhere.

So after I'd spoken to her my brother called me and was pretty upset that she was behaving differently and was so down - I can only guess that a few of her phrases were shocking to him but he should know her.  She's just in pain a lot.  He didn't take my Dad's death too well either and that's just the way he is.  Anyway I spoke to her again today and she was feeling a lot better and it was just a low blip as anyone might have as your mobility goes away from you and you become more conscious of it.  

It's not difficult for me just to ask my mum how its going and how is she and all that.  I'm going to arrange to go up and see her a bit more often as the cr@p of the business disappears away from my day to day.

I'm just waiting for the Accountant now so I can sort out the death throes of the business.  Once done I am free of all the rubbish and can walk away from it.  It's been a week and I am happily not involved in its administration apart from the paperwork to close it down.  Hurrah!  

A Little Outing Yesterday

 We meet 6 times a year and it was nice to go out for lunch and just enjoy the company of some friendly people.  Fascinating to be with people who are around 20 years older than us and listen to their trials and tribulations and realise that, I suppose, I'll be there soon!  They are around my mother's age I'd guess, late 80s.  

It was nice to get out and have a meal and a few zero alcohol Guinness which is possible one of the best low alcohol beers.  I though this would be nice to do it a bit more regularly and I've already set up a meeting with an old colleague of mine in April that I am looking forward to immensely.

 Here, in stupid land, we watch the government of the day continue to lie and weasel their way around things and all the time, we watch the utter levels of denial expressed by these people and the complete lack of disaster or risk planning available.  The Chancellor was faced with GDP growth figures of 0.1% for January and with all the turmoil in the Middle East  said something along the lines of "Our economic strategy is beginning to bear fruit" or some such other bollocks.  Our heating oil has more than doubled in 2 weeks.  That's doubled to way over £1.25 or more per litre, plus VAT at 5% and I paid close to 50p just a month or so ago!  Petrol and Diesel too have risen and so there's going to be an impact to the economy, even I can tell you that LOL.  We closed down most of our capabilities to be self sufficient in energy and as usual, the need to be seen to be cutting carbon (FFS) outweighs the safety and security of the very people who you are meant to keep safe and secure. 

I suppose they don't see it coming and just keep bring in ideas that piss off the electorate, make it difficult for us to live or earn a living, our bills have doubled and if I fill up my heating tank today that will be half, YES half of my pension this month just for 500 litres of fuel.  Actually it will be 2/3 rds of my pension just for heating in my house! 

In other news, the gale force winds and the rain were horrendous yesertday and the phone went off at about 00:30 this morning.  When I answered they were giving us advance notice that a power cut was imminent.  It did come eventually some 30 minutes later.  Luckily I have UPS sets for the computers and servers but the PC draws so much it switched off before I could, wake up, find a torch and struggle downstairs.  The Servers though were fine so at least I didn't have the surge problems we had a year and a bit ago!

Coming to terms with being a pensioner and being retired is funny - come on it's only day 4 LOL.  I have at least done something useful today with some finance spreadsheets and there's some Grand Prix action on TV later.  No doubt I'll be gawking at our useless PM and wondering whether he is lying every odd or every even word?  

Dismantling The Business

There isn't much to do in reality because it isn't a mega business, it has me in it, some shareholders, granted, but their input is minuscule, sub atomic in reality.  So there isn't much to close down.  A Bank Account, The websites, the emails, finalise the accounts, file those, do the Tax returns and switch off the lights on the way out.

There's a twinge of failure but I've documented everything I've done and dotted the "i"s and crossed the "t"s as the saying goes.  The contractual elements are few and sorted.  If you haven't got anyone buying your stuff, you haven't got a business and that's the bottom line, you cannot magic up stuff, you cannot argue with the situation because it is exactly what it is.  It's more profound than that even when the figures are reviewed.  In 5 months we didn't sell a thing despite over 180K views, circa 700+ Taps and 160+ downloads and no one wanted to buy it so it's a product not meeting the price-to-value expectation. 

You just know there's going to be someone who will try and argue about those figures - there always is.  But of course, they can argue but facts is facts.  

Anyway, all under way and it's quicker to tear it down than the 9 years its taken to build it.

How Utterly Bizarre

 Gosh, what a strange feeling.  I spoke to the Accountant this morning and worked out my timetable and suddenly, there's next to nothing left to do but wait.  My day after that has been empty - albeit I made some bread and wrote a few things down.  I suppose I'll get over this emptiness and not knowing quite what to do with myself.

It's a bit strange thinking what to do next because this has come as a bit of a shock.  There's some waiting to be done for sure and then a short burst of activity and that should be that, the business will close and everything can be archived and that's it.  It's not the first time I've shut a business down but it will be the last time I expect and this one is a little more complex but not overly so and I suddenly feel at a loss.  It's quite peculiar really.  I guess that happens in real life when you retire and stop working.

No doubt I will get used to it but for the moment it is a little disturbing to say the least.  I have things to do but I'm just not used to having the time and space to actually do them.  I hadn't really planned for this sudden loss of business activity.  

Who Did You Work With?

I came across a few names that reminded me of work colleagues of the past and it reminded me of how much I'd erased from my mind.  By that I mean when I was reminded I knew the names but not always where from.

I spent sometime, perhaps 14 or 15 years ago now destroying the past as I was finding it a real burden and my thoughts were all caught up with what I had and had not done.  One night I had had enough and somehow erased everything.  I imagine it is somewhere in this blog, I'd been reading either 'The Power of Now' or 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle and I'd got to a point that I no longer wanted all that baggage and bang that was it.  

If I get reminded of something I can remember parts of it but it no longer invades my mind like it used to.  An entry in a diary or the odd thought (I am writing an autobiography which triggers some things) and as I write this I recall someone I worked with in 1980! I need a name or picture to do this whereas I used to be able to tell you who I worked with but now it is only anecdotal based on specific memories good or bad.  The downside is that I look at people in old photos and struggle to recall who they were, why I took them and I should have labelled them really LOL. 

I think it is a good thing that my head is clear from all those years ago, you wouldn't have liked the utter turmoil and the constant regrets and what ifs that I went through before getting rid of it all.  It was bad and I occasionally get the flash backs and what ifs but recognize them for what they are and stop the thoughts short if I can.  Not always easy when something triggers it but at least it is very occasional now not all the time like it was.   

I Didn't Expect To Feel This Empty

 Now this is strange. I feel empty and of course, the thing that has occupied me is at an end.  I no longer need to be doing the daily advertising stuff I've done for about 3 or 4 months now nor all the other build up stuff, sales and marketing, competition analysis and so on.

Most of the things that need to be done are in process or I've done them.  A chat with the Accountant tomorrow and resolve what needs to happen to shut it all down, follow the process and hit the deadlines and there we are.  

But it is the looking around and not doing anything that is totally strange - after 9 years on this and other projects and there it is - space, emptiness and not being sure what to do with my mind and my hands :-)

I suppose I will get used to it.  It gives me time to do the things I wanted to do but procrastinated about LOL.  

Also strange that this bloke's crazy reactions to situations is a potential threat but I need to remember that he's the one with the problem, not me and I have the paperwork to throw back if he gets shirty again.  If that's all I have to worry about then it's no problems I suppose. 

New Day, New Dawn

 Maybe.  The deed is done and I've withdrawn to App from sale and closed down the website and so on. Contacted the Accountant which will take it to the next step and then we can shut it down and I can hopefully live happily ever after.

You just know that the other guy is going to be snidely about it but that's his problem.  It won't be mine - I've gone above and beyond to deliver his idea dodging his accusations and other libels too.

Anyway, that can all disappear and with it this last weird thing in my body and mind that tells me I owe people something.  It has been with me these past years that I somehow have them all on first call and "owe" them some sort of allegiance even though they never appear to owe me any?  As a Director, of course, I owe all the shareholders a duty of care and shortly that will be gone, thank God!

Then I owe allegiance only to myself.

As Nina Simone sang:

"Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel 

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, yeah
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, ooh

And I'm feeling good!"

Yeah - roll on freedom from all this sh1t!