A Different Dawn

 Up around 20 minutes earlier than normal pleasantly surprised considering how hot it was overnight.  My cooler was on low all night which must have helped - it's hot already this morning and going to go over 30C today again.  It's not so humid so that's good (I guess)?

I felt much better and was able to get up, prep breakfast for us and so I am pleased with that.  It makes a big difference and I feel better in myself and it's nice not to have the head sh1t going on.  

I am not sure what it might be but perhaps because the shareholder letters went out yesterday and are on their way and so that's a weight off and I sat down and did some art based activities in the afternoon - it was far too hot to do much else and that calmed me down too.  I even watched a bit of football last night which I rarely do just to do something. 

Thankfully I don't have problems going to sleep and last night getting up and going back to sleep.  I often struggle to go back to sleep as my senses get heightened and then the thoughts flood in.  I can manage that with some breathing and backwards counting that seems to work.

So maybe the end of the business, now official, now informed to all shareholders is kicked off.  I suppose he can object although I am not sure whether he can do anything about it.  His assertions that his investment is a loan would have to be argued with Companies House (not me) and I've already put on record the business' position on this.  So that's all that can really put the fly in the ointment I guess.  Let's wait and see - this is the only thing that's left really and I suppose it all depends on how vindictive he feels.  Hopefully now I've returned everything to him he will go away?  It still plays on my mind how nasty he has been and I imagine that is part of my current head wobble.

Anyway, take each day as it comes and today is a much better day than the past weeks so that's a bonus.  Let's hope I can build on that. 

Early Again - Not Too Bad Despite

 Hearing of two acquaintance's prognoses.  One is a bit of a shocker as it's now "manage" the outcome, the other is in Hospital and it's not looking good.  

I am up early about 5:30 and I'm not sure what woke me up really?  I was awake earlier than that but drifted back to sleep once I'd calmed my mind down a bit so I'm up 2 hours earlier than planned but it is warm again, perhaps late teens and sleeping isn't that comfortable.

I have to say though that my head is clear writing this and that's great, I enjoyed a day of motor racing yesterday and I didn't stay up for the England Vs Mexico match that kicked off around 1 am. I see we won and maybe that woke me though I doubt it, I don't really do football as such.

I hope that I can continue to work my way through this awful patch and get myself back on an even keel.  The letters to shareholders should have gone out on Saturday but the postman didn't bring the label and it was only that I caught him that I'd have even found out about it.  Hopefully today that will be sorted and the whole of that episode, close to 10 years will come to an end unless, I suppose, the bloke who kicked off wants to somehow kick off again although I am not sure how he can?  Mind you people aren't logical when it comes to being vindictive.

There's this strange thing of getting rid of the baggage that I have and working on where I go next and what I do.  I do feel that there is a whole area I need to work on as this retirement living was never planned or thought about, it just happened and that's a shock and a barrier to work through.  My "purpose" has gone and I need to adjust to this situation - I am just not doing that as fast as I wanted to really.

Fluctuating Moods Swings

 Up just gone 6 with just 2 overnight wakes.  It's warm again and the chiller fan is on which helps.  Strange dreams but not overly so - not disturbing but I wonder who the lady was I met as she was interesting and darkly mysterious :-)

I digress though.  My birthday was OK and the British Grand Prix was live so there was plenty to do.  I want to work out what is going on but the swings between how I feel are confusing I suppose, in that I cannot make sense of what is happening anyway let alone when I am alright one minute and almost in tears the next.  

As I type now I am OK but aware that I am not quite right.  There's a lingering under the surface anxiety that tests my thoughts and limits my actions.  It really is annoying that I cannot break away from it.

Well, It's My Birthday

 I don't want to celebrate or do anything and I still have this heavy heart, anxiety about me and I don't seem to be able to shake it off at the moment but I must somehow do that and move on.

The business was finally wound up yesterday and the letters are going out today.  I suppose someone could object but it would be pretty pointless to do so.  The accounts are in order, the proper process has been followed and so perhaps that is something that I can now forget but it plays on my mind and so is one of the areas that should fade away with time.

I need to do something to work through all of this - I know a lot is in my head and I just cannot clear it at the moment.  I'll have to try and work out how I deal with it.  I'm thinking one of the ways is to walk away from social media and all the things I am subscribed to.  They do nothing for my well being. 

 

Again - Not Too Bad This Morning

 Life is still presenting some sort of head conflict and I'm working on it.  Woke twice overnight, it was a slightly warm one - I hadn't cooled the room properly before bedtime but I fell asleep fast and got up after 6:15 so that's better than a few weeks ago.

I've halted drinking (beer) and I feel a bit better for that too.  It hasn't been long but it is enough and so fizzy water seems to suffice.  I do miss beer though, a lifetime of it, and so I provide my circular arguments that I can handle it well knowing that just the one or two a day probably isn't "handling it"

When you know that the stuff in your head isn't real and that it is all manufactured to get your attention to make you sad, to upset you and you let it, you do feel let down that you cannot handle the current situation.  I'm sad and annoyed, tetchy (sometimes) and cannot express myself.  I'm tearful some of the time but not all of the time and I suppose I can go on about the 20 year anniversary of finding the Bladder Cancer but that is just part of it.  

I suppose losing my "purpose" is having an effect.  That which kept me getting up, coming into the office here and working is gone never to come back.  So what's the purpose?  I lapsed my hobbies over the years and that too is a problem I find in that I have little to do now.  Maybe that's also an issue to deal with or find things to do.

Some people say that they have no time now that they are retired and I find that I don't have that, I don't have projects to deal with or rather I do but I cannot always focus on doing them.  Things seem stacked up against me when they probably aren't.  In this hot weather (3rd heatwave incoming) I have to say that I don't feel like doing that much for sure.  Enthusiasm sits and rests at the list of things I need to do.  I am gradually going through selling off all the stuff that just sits around doing nothing.  Stuff that has sat in boxes since we moved with no purpose and not being used.

That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Not for the sentimental purpose but because I start something and don't really follow through with it.  I need to work on getting things done and achieving them but that too is proving difficult.  

So stuck in a bit of a no man's land still and it's the anniversary of my Father's death today.  July has always been awful in those terms.  Mum's birthday, my presenting with Bladder Cancer, Dad's death, my birthday all in the first 4 days and there were a couple of other things too that happened in these 4 days that I cannot recall what they were - I think some sort of problem or death etc!  

But, I shouldn't dwell on those I guess?  No, I should get on with living my pensioner retired life and just enjoy it without the dread of getting old.  It is without doubt a change in life that I had not envisaged nor had I even thought could be a problem, I had not planned for it and with the close of the business (that is finalising in the next few days) my current purpose disappeared.  The hours a day I'd spent over the past 9 years no longer exist and that activity got me up out of bed and "doing things" and it's gone in a flash.

I liked the analogy that your life is like a river and it is flowing strongly from its origins and as you work through your young and middle age and then it reaches a canyon and the narrows chop up the water making it froth and angry and then after going through that the river becomes wide and still and gentle.  I'm in the narrows and need to get through to the other side.

A Game of Two Halves

 It was our Lodge's annual BBQ and I thought the roads would be morgue quiet as England were playing in the World Cup but no, the roads were quite busy but we got there in good time.  Then the "fun" happened.  The room we were having our pre-meeting in was the smallest one which was like an oven.  I don't recall it ever being that hot before and suddenly Mr. Claustrophobia kicked in and I just couldn't stay in the room with everyone.  I needed to be there but I was really feeling bad and a little panicked so I made my apologies and didn't attend.  It was (only) half an hour but that would have been too much for me.

Things changed a bit afterwards and the England Match was on in the bar area and guests assembling in the garden.  England?  Yes they were a goal down to DR Congo.  The meeting ended and I got on doing my Treasurer's duties, collecting money, dishing out the drinks vouchers and so on.

It proved to be a nice evening and we left around 9 or so as the sun dipped down and it got quite chilly.  We drove home and I got a whole night's sleep!  Hurrah.  Woken by the alarm which was good so I feel better about things as it stands now.

It is the 20th Anniversary of me presenting with my Bladder Cancer symptoms (blood in the urine) on the day before England lost to Portugal I think?  

Let me see what today brings.  I have 6 months now until my next Lodge meeting and I hope that I will have turned it all around by then.  

Good Night - Up Early But Something Still Not Quite Right

 It was a good night, up just the once and slept through to gone 6 and so a solid 7 maybe 7 1/2 hours.  That's better than it was and I don't have the high levels of anxiety of last week but still something there gnawing away. 

It is (this morning) a feeling of being trapped a slight claustrophobic feeling but, of course I can do something about that, get up, stand outside, move around the rooms etc.  It isn't always that - I have started to worry about my daughters one of whom is on her round the world trip and was flying overnight to Canada.  She's a seasoned traveller but I just have this slight on edge feeling when I think about it.  I recall seeing her photos  and videos from New Zealand leaping from an aircraft and parachuting over the Southern Alps / Fjords.  Do it whilst you are young and good luck to her but there's the background worry about such things.

My worry at the moment is this preoccupation about getting old and now I have no business to work on, what to do with myself and how to spend my time.  It's a wobble I didn't think I'd have to deal with but now I see that I was woefully unprepared for the transition.  I am not sure whether to get involved in things or walk away from the commitments that I still have and it's all playing on my mind.

I am sure I will get there but it is unnerving at the moment and just something I need to work on. 

I Know This, I've Actually Done Something About It Before

 So why oh why am I here again?  

Give this a watch it's around 10 to 15 minutes or so.  

I just needed the KITA (Kick In The Arse) to remind me of this.  I know this, I've been round and around this and I purposefully don't sit in our living room watching TV particularly as I find that propaganda but I do doom scroll my phone, Facebook but not so much Instagram and all the others.

The stuff I have been wrestling with for a while and we all know how Left Brained I am.  The INTJ bit has now lost its purpose, its meaning, it's being the boss, being the technical guru, the planner, the arbiter of all things right and wrong.  I am liking the sound of it already the omnipotent, omnipresent Project Manager LOL!!

But, back to this talk.  I follow Dr Brooks on YouTube for goodness sake and I know I know this stuff - I just need to back out of the OCD or whatever I have been doing for the past God knows how long?

So the lesson is I need to remind myself of the right hand side of my brain more often - being an INTJ that is soooooo difficult I can't even begin to tell you how hard that is.  Even when I convince myself I need to do more on the other side of my brain and know the reason for it - I wrestle with the implementation as it isn't logical or process driven.  I've been here before and so the deja vu is strong with me on this and it is all very 'The Matrix'  Now where are my blue and red pills?  

Distraction In Accidents

 I live about half a mile from the main road on an non adopted country lane. It's about a vehicle width wide with passing places and around 15 houses mainly where we are.  It is a bridleway and footpath too.  Yesterday as I was half way to the road I spied a runner, a young lady as it happens and something wasn't right about the scene and I stopped my car about 20 paces from her as she ran and started veering towards me almost running sideways into the middle of the road!  She got the shock of her life when she saw my car and veered back to the side of the road.  Luckily I had stopped as if I had been driving I would probably have hit her or had a very near miss.

Of course she had ear buds in and was looking down at her mobile phone.  She did jump quite a bit when she finally saw the front of my car.  That isn't unusual but that's the nearest one I've had this year!  I nearly had a new bonnet mascot!  LOL.

I've Been Here Before

 Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began.  I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.  

The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.

This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case.  I need to talk to someone other than this blog.  The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?

Small steps are required.  I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep.  I've stopped having a beer in the evening too.  I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so.  Habit is a problem.  I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.

I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through.  I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter.  It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.

Humidity Broken - Heat Coming Down - Sleep - A Little Better

 I ended up staying downstairs to sleep while my grandson slept in my part of the bed!  It wasn't a great night's sleep as my routine (such as it is) was disturbed and as I said to everyone involved - a day's notice no problem to hear that he was coming for the day only to find he was staying does not help my current anxious state.  I had to go for a quick walk around to calm down and there you go, I've turned into my dad and my grandfather!

However, I am mostly OK I think with short bursts of anxiety and so I just need to keep that under some sort of control, it's not easy to do that but I am working on it.  I have to work at it rather than having it be a natural, not thought about sort of action.

Still warm in the office so a shorter blog today. 

Switched The PC Off For While

 It's been so hot and my office was like a sauna so I switched the PC off and have used my phone and tablet to keep in touch with the world. 

The nights have been sticky and very hot and my cooler has been working overtime. It just about does the job but it has been very hot indeed. 

As for my state of mind, well, it's on and off but generally manageable.  Of course grandson announcing he's staying this morning didn't really help me so I just got busy doing the washing up which has calmed me down.  The rain has just arrived hopefully bringing cooler weather.  

Of to see my daughters tomorrow. One of them is going off around the world and so it's my chance to wish her bon voyage for at least 4 months.  

Hot Night - But Managed Sleep

 Another warm night and it was very hot and very humid.  I had the cooler going full blast and just woke twice and for me, not too bad, up an hour earlier than "normal" and it's OH's birthday today on what may prove to be the hottest day of the years so far possibly mid 30s.  One of the hottest days I have had was 44 C which were in Spain and France and it was just unbelievably warm.  Some say it will feel like 40.  

Here in the UK our houses are built for cold weather which we are used to of course.  They are insulated to a high standard and retain heat making this sort of weather event particularly difficult for us.  Being a large island, humidity is also a problem and so it is quite different from say Spain or France where generally it is dry heat.  

I am having less "thoughts" at the moment which is good and if they do arise I can recognise them and deal with them.  Lots of reasons that I can see but I am not going to dwell on those today - today is going to be a red hot day and it just needs to be approached in a calm way as it is already hot at 07:00.  My weather station shows it as 28C with 58% RH outside.  Inside, 21.5C with 90% RH!  

Progress - Keeping Occupied

 Yesterday was a day of action as we emptied the garage and I rescued my exercise equipment loaded it in to the car for my daughter.  A Cross Trainer and a Power Plate  and a Chin Up bar which was a devil to dismantle.

We then assembled some cupboards but only found two shelves to fit them!  So I need to cut some to go in there.  We were contemplating leaving all the things out overnight but I caught sight of a big storm going off to the West of London and between us we thought not to take the chance so put almost everything back into the garage but we didn't have time to put it where we wanted so it's ended up looking like a tip but not quite as bad as before!

I was going to do something today but we have an Amber heat warning and they are saying 32 C with very high humidity.  So I'm not going to attempt that.  I'm glad we put the stuff away though as around 4 we were woken by a massive storm, lightning and thunder and biblical rain crashing onto the roof and windows.  I managed to sleep through the best of it, tired as I was from yesterday's physical exertions.  This morning though, contrary to the forecast, it's been raining.  Warm rain I'll grant you but rain nonetheless taking a lot of people by surprise.  Now the sun has come out and the temperature is rising and the RH is 57 outside and 88 inside.  Not much will get done as it's just too warm & humid.

I felt a lot better yesterday as I was actually doing something, I made another sale of some spare equipment I have and whilst the voices came for me in the mid evening I was able to bat those away.

I perhaps need to sort myself out some hobbies to occupy my spare time?

Weather Does Not Help

 Not one bit as you really cannot do much in or outside as it is very hot, quite humid and debilitating.  We were going to do some sorting out in the garage but that isn't looking on for the next two or three days if not the next week.  We will see after breakfast on that.

The bedroom cooler works to some extent keeping us cool enough to sleep and I wonder whether I should invest in an A/C unit but, of course, it may only be 10 days a year you need it! 

I don't mind it when we have generally hot weather but having temperatures into the 30s is unusual for us. 

It was a not too bad night but we both woke around 3:30 and getting back to sleep was not easy but I managed to last until just gone 6:15 so a result for me.  Not sure if OH was so lucky but it wasn't easy even with the cooler.  I think tomorrow and for a few days after it may be more difficult.  I had my thoughts come visit as I tried to go back to sleep and my knee started to hurt too so I will need to wear my knee strap tonight and see if that helps.

Fighting the little voice in my head is an on and off thing.  It comes and goes and needs me to realise what it is and then to deal with it.  Not always possible when you are semi conscious easier if I am in the right frame of mind to deal with it. 

Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.