Well, It's My Birthday

 I don't want to celebrate or do anything and I still have this heavy heart, anxiety about me and I don't seem to be able to shake it off at the moment but I must somehow do that and move on.

The business was finally wound up yesterday and the letters are going out today.  I suppose someone could object but it would be pretty pointless to do so.  The accounts are in order, the proper process has been followed and so perhaps that is something that I can now forget but it plays on my mind and so is one of the areas that should fade away with time.

I need to do something to work through all of this - I know a lot is in my head and I just cannot clear it at the moment.  I'll have to try and work out how I deal with it.  I'm thinking one of the ways is to walk away from social media and all the things I am subscribed to.  They do nothing for my well being. 

 

Again - Not Too Bad This Morning

 Life is still presenting some sort of head conflict and I'm working on it.  Woke twice overnight, it was a slightly warm one - I hadn't cooled the room properly before bedtime but I fell asleep fast and got up after 6:15 so that's better than a few weeks ago.

I've halted drinking (beer) and I feel a bit better for that too.  It hasn't been long but it is enough and so fizzy water seems to suffice.  I do miss beer though, a lifetime of it, and so I provide my circular arguments that I can handle it well knowing that just the one or two a day probably isn't "handling it"

When you know that the stuff in your head isn't real and that it is all manufactured to get your attention to make you sad, to upset you and you let it, you do feel let down that you cannot handle the current situation.  I'm sad and annoyed, tetchy (sometimes) and cannot express myself.  I'm tearful some of the time but not all of the time and I suppose I can go on about the 20 year anniversary of finding the Bladder Cancer but that is just part of it.  

I suppose losing my "purpose" is having an effect.  That which kept me getting up, coming into the office here and working is gone never to come back.  So what's the purpose?  I lapsed my hobbies over the years and that too is a problem I find in that I have little to do now.  Maybe that's also an issue to deal with or find things to do.

Some people say that they have no time now that they are retired and I find that I don't have that, I don't have projects to deal with or rather I do but I cannot always focus on doing them.  Things seem stacked up against me when they probably aren't.  In this hot weather (3rd heatwave incoming) I have to say that I don't feel like doing that much for sure.  Enthusiasm sits and rests at the list of things I need to do.  I am gradually going through selling off all the stuff that just sits around doing nothing.  Stuff that has sat in boxes since we moved with no purpose and not being used.

That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Not for the sentimental purpose but because I start something and don't really follow through with it.  I need to work on getting things done and achieving them but that too is proving difficult.  

So stuck in a bit of a no man's land still and it's the anniversary of my Father's death today.  July has always been awful in those terms.  Mum's birthday, my presenting with Bladder Cancer, Dad's death, my birthday all in the first 4 days and there were a couple of other things too that happened in these 4 days that I cannot recall what they were - I think some sort of problem or death etc!  

But, I shouldn't dwell on those I guess?  No, I should get on with living my pensioner retired life and just enjoy it without the dread of getting old.  It is without doubt a change in life that I had not envisaged nor had I even thought could be a problem, I had not planned for it and with the close of the business (that is finalising in the next few days) my current purpose disappeared.  The hours a day I'd spent over the past 9 years no longer exist and that activity got me up out of bed and "doing things" and it's gone in a flash.

I liked the analogy that your life is like a river and it is flowing strongly from its origins and as you work through your young and middle age and then it reaches a canyon and the narrows chop up the water making it froth and angry and then after going through that the river becomes wide and still and gentle.  I'm in the narrows and need to get through to the other side.

A Game of Two Halves

 It was our Lodge's annual BBQ and I thought the roads would be morgue quiet as England were playing in the World Cup but no, the roads were quite busy but we got there in good time.  Then the "fun" happened.  The room we were having our pre-meeting in was the smallest one which was like an oven.  I don't recall it ever being that hot before and suddenly Mr. Claustrophobia kicked in and I just couldn't stay in the room with everyone.  I needed to be there but I was really feeling bad and a little panicked so I made my apologies and didn't attend.  It was (only) half an hour but that would have been too much for me.

Things changed a bit afterwards and the England Match was on in the bar area and guests assembling in the garden.  England?  Yes they were a goal down to DR Congo.  The meeting ended and I got on doing my Treasurer's duties, collecting money, dishing out the drinks vouchers and so on.

It proved to be a nice evening and we left around 9 or so as the sun dipped down and it got quite chilly.  We drove home and I got a whole night's sleep!  Hurrah.  Woken by the alarm which was good so I feel better about things as it stands now.

It is the 20th Anniversary of me presenting with my Bladder Cancer symptoms (blood in the urine) on the day before England lost to Portugal I think?  

Let me see what today brings.  I have 6 months now until my next Lodge meeting and I hope that I will have turned it all around by then.  

Good Night - Up Early But Something Still Not Quite Right

 It was a good night, up just the once and slept through to gone 6 and so a solid 7 maybe 7 1/2 hours.  That's better than it was and I don't have the high levels of anxiety of last week but still something there gnawing away. 

It is (this morning) a feeling of being trapped a slight claustrophobic feeling but, of course I can do something about that, get up, stand outside, move around the rooms etc.  It isn't always that - I have started to worry about my daughters one of whom is on her round the world trip and was flying overnight to Canada.  She's a seasoned traveller but I just have this slight on edge feeling when I think about it.  I recall seeing her photos  and videos from New Zealand leaping from an aircraft and parachuting over the Southern Alps / Fjords.  Do it whilst you are young and good luck to her but there's the background worry about such things.

My worry at the moment is this preoccupation about getting old and now I have no business to work on, what to do with myself and how to spend my time.  It's a wobble I didn't think I'd have to deal with but now I see that I was woefully unprepared for the transition.  I am not sure whether to get involved in things or walk away from the commitments that I still have and it's all playing on my mind.

I am sure I will get there but it is unnerving at the moment and just something I need to work on. 

I Know This, I've Actually Done Something About It Before

 So why oh why am I here again?  

Give this a watch it's around 10 to 15 minutes or so.  

I just needed the KITA (Kick In The Arse) to remind me of this.  I know this, I've been round and around this and I purposefully don't sit in our living room watching TV particularly as I find that propaganda but I do doom scroll my phone, Facebook but not so much Instagram and all the others.

The stuff I have been wrestling with for a while and we all know how Left Brained I am.  The INTJ bit has now lost its purpose, its meaning, it's being the boss, being the technical guru, the planner, the arbiter of all things right and wrong.  I am liking the sound of it already the omnipotent, omnipresent Project Manager LOL!!

But, back to this talk.  I follow Dr Brooks on YouTube for goodness sake and I know I know this stuff - I just need to back out of the OCD or whatever I have been doing for the past God knows how long?

So the lesson is I need to remind myself of the right hand side of my brain more often - being an INTJ that is soooooo difficult I can't even begin to tell you how hard that is.  Even when I convince myself I need to do more on the other side of my brain and know the reason for it - I wrestle with the implementation as it isn't logical or process driven.  I've been here before and so the deja vu is strong with me on this and it is all very 'The Matrix'  Now where are my blue and red pills?  

Distraction In Accidents

 I live about half a mile from the main road on an non adopted country lane. It's about a vehicle width wide with passing places and around 15 houses mainly where we are.  It is a bridleway and footpath too.  Yesterday as I was half way to the road I spied a runner, a young lady as it happens and something wasn't right about the scene and I stopped my car about 20 paces from her as she ran and started veering towards me almost running sideways into the middle of the road!  She got the shock of her life when she saw my car and veered back to the side of the road.  Luckily I had stopped as if I had been driving I would probably have hit her or had a very near miss.

Of course she had ear buds in and was looking down at her mobile phone.  She did jump quite a bit when she finally saw the front of my car.  That isn't unusual but that's the nearest one I've had this year!  I nearly had a new bonnet mascot!  LOL.

I've Been Here Before

 Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began.  I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.  

The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.

This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case.  I need to talk to someone other than this blog.  The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?

Small steps are required.  I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep.  I've stopped having a beer in the evening too.  I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so.  Habit is a problem.  I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.

I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through.  I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter.  It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.

Humidity Broken - Heat Coming Down - Sleep - A Little Better

 I ended up staying downstairs to sleep while my grandson slept in my part of the bed!  It wasn't a great night's sleep as my routine (such as it is) was disturbed and as I said to everyone involved - a day's notice no problem to hear that he was coming for the day only to find he was staying does not help my current anxious state.  I had to go for a quick walk around to calm down and there you go, I've turned into my dad and my grandfather!

However, I am mostly OK I think with short bursts of anxiety and so I just need to keep that under some sort of control, it's not easy to do that but I am working on it.  I have to work at it rather than having it be a natural, not thought about sort of action.

Still warm in the office so a shorter blog today. 

Switched The PC Off For While

 It's been so hot and my office was like a sauna so I switched the PC off and have used my phone and tablet to keep in touch with the world. 

The nights have been sticky and very hot and my cooler has been working overtime. It just about does the job but it has been very hot indeed. 

As for my state of mind, well, it's on and off but generally manageable.  Of course grandson announcing he's staying this morning didn't really help me so I just got busy doing the washing up which has calmed me down.  The rain has just arrived hopefully bringing cooler weather.  

Of to see my daughters tomorrow. One of them is going off around the world and so it's my chance to wish her bon voyage for at least 4 months.  

Hot Night - But Managed Sleep

 Another warm night and it was very hot and very humid.  I had the cooler going full blast and just woke twice and for me, not too bad, up an hour earlier than "normal" and it's OH's birthday today on what may prove to be the hottest day of the years so far possibly mid 30s.  One of the hottest days I have had was 44 C which were in Spain and France and it was just unbelievably warm.  Some say it will feel like 40.  

Here in the UK our houses are built for cold weather which we are used to of course.  They are insulated to a high standard and retain heat making this sort of weather event particularly difficult for us.  Being a large island, humidity is also a problem and so it is quite different from say Spain or France where generally it is dry heat.  

I am having less "thoughts" at the moment which is good and if they do arise I can recognise them and deal with them.  Lots of reasons that I can see but I am not going to dwell on those today - today is going to be a red hot day and it just needs to be approached in a calm way as it is already hot at 07:00.  My weather station shows it as 28C with 58% RH outside.  Inside, 21.5C with 90% RH!  

Progress - Keeping Occupied

 Yesterday was a day of action as we emptied the garage and I rescued my exercise equipment loaded it in to the car for my daughter.  A Cross Trainer and a Power Plate  and a Chin Up bar which was a devil to dismantle.

We then assembled some cupboards but only found two shelves to fit them!  So I need to cut some to go in there.  We were contemplating leaving all the things out overnight but I caught sight of a big storm going off to the West of London and between us we thought not to take the chance so put almost everything back into the garage but we didn't have time to put it where we wanted so it's ended up looking like a tip but not quite as bad as before!

I was going to do something today but we have an Amber heat warning and they are saying 32 C with very high humidity.  So I'm not going to attempt that.  I'm glad we put the stuff away though as around 4 we were woken by a massive storm, lightning and thunder and biblical rain crashing onto the roof and windows.  I managed to sleep through the best of it, tired as I was from yesterday's physical exertions.  This morning though, contrary to the forecast, it's been raining.  Warm rain I'll grant you but rain nonetheless taking a lot of people by surprise.  Now the sun has come out and the temperature is rising and the RH is 57 outside and 88 inside.  Not much will get done as it's just too warm & humid.

I felt a lot better yesterday as I was actually doing something, I made another sale of some spare equipment I have and whilst the voices came for me in the mid evening I was able to bat those away.

I perhaps need to sort myself out some hobbies to occupy my spare time?

Weather Does Not Help

 Not one bit as you really cannot do much in or outside as it is very hot, quite humid and debilitating.  We were going to do some sorting out in the garage but that isn't looking on for the next two or three days if not the next week.  We will see after breakfast on that.

The bedroom cooler works to some extent keeping us cool enough to sleep and I wonder whether I should invest in an A/C unit but, of course, it may only be 10 days a year you need it! 

I don't mind it when we have generally hot weather but having temperatures into the 30s is unusual for us. 

It was a not too bad night but we both woke around 3:30 and getting back to sleep was not easy but I managed to last until just gone 6:15 so a result for me.  Not sure if OH was so lucky but it wasn't easy even with the cooler.  I think tomorrow and for a few days after it may be more difficult.  I had my thoughts come visit as I tried to go back to sleep and my knee started to hurt too so I will need to wear my knee strap tonight and see if that helps.

Fighting the little voice in my head is an on and off thing.  It comes and goes and needs me to realise what it is and then to deal with it.  Not always possible when you are semi conscious easier if I am in the right frame of mind to deal with it. 

Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.  

The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!