A Slightly Better Night - Still Bad Thoughts Though

 I was woken up at around 5 by my partner stirring but rather than get up and wander around I managed to get back to sleep within about 20 minutes and when I woke up with the alarm I took that as a small step back to normality.

I am still internally battling with my current situation and it's a series of huge mood swings in and out of being contented to being really distressed about many things.  Stuff that I know I cannot control at all.  The business is, to all intents and purposes, over it's just the dying throes of winding it all up that is required. I cannot control the current political crisis but it worries me watching the current idiots in charge screwing over the country.  I know that I cannot do everything at once, but I'd like that to happen and happen now.

I worry about my drinking and my self isolation and withdrawal from socials and at the front of my mind I worry about the loss of direction and purpose because at the end of the day - running the business gave me that purpose and that incentive to get up and come into my office.

Retirement should be different to the usual day-to-day purpose of my life.  I just haven't predicted the huge gap that is here now and the way that my thoughts left unfocused have turned me into this paranoid, shaking, sadness of present existence.  It's difficult as my INTJ self is trying to make it make sense and all the things that you thought it would be like are commercial marketing fantasies. 

Frozen in some sort of limbo I need to refocus on myself yet again.  I've taken a pounding these past 20 years and I wonder quite what I should do to get out of my malaise and stop feeling sorry for myself etc.  Waves of sadness are sweeping over me - one right now - it's the death one (mine) and those who I love flash before my eyes and yet I should be celebrating our lives not living with this bad thought.  Maybe it's appeared to remind me to not dwell on that? 

The older I get the less tough I am.  I used to be certain of myself, self assured (typical INTJ) and I knew what was needed and got on with it shrugging off the naysayers and so on.  Now I am finding myself quite emotional and I dislike that. Being the "man of the house" no longer exists and starting to lose physical power as I just can't do the things I used to when I was much younger plays on your mind too.

I hate where I am at the moment.  I'll have to work on a break or something.  I'm up to see my mum next week so hopefully I'll come back from that a little more energized and positive - maybe that is also playing on my mind as she has slowed down considerably?  

Extreme Mood Swings - Awake Again

 It felt quite different at 4 a.m I got up and came back to bed and for 10 minutes was all quite OK and then without much of a warning the tidal wave of thoughts came and invaded my head.  I had to get up and come downstairs but this time I decided to sit down in one of the comfy chairs and just calm down a bit.  I'd walked up and down for perhaps 5 minutes undecided but sitting down was good and I did my tinnitus exercise and had three sleep sessions waking up with the alarm at 7:40 so at lease that was something.

The extreme mood swings do veer from massively sad to normal (for me) and back again. The problem is that stuff that I have no control over upsets me when I am like this.  I have to stop getting involved and dragged in with it all.  I cannot do anything about the current government or where they are leading us, the potential change in Prime Minister and so on.  

Not Right - Awake Early Again - Head Full Of Stuff

 Getting out of the position you are in whether real or imagined is difficult.  Swimming against the tide makes it all seem somehow worse The other thing I have noticed is that bad news is everywhere but I know that, if I don't know it is happening, then I have no need to process it as it just makes matters worse and I cannot do anything about it anyway.

I stepped away from Social Media sometime ago and it served me well BUT here I am, back again, consuming a stream of stuff that isn't good news and trying to process it.  I need to cut it out or cut back on it.

I must do something as I do feel it eating away at me and the ups and downs of everyday are getting to me now.  It's periods of everything is fine to moments that I could just burst out crying - huge sadness comes over me, or dark black moments.

I've been through this all before of course but it's really debilitating and I'm not sure how I get out of it at this moment in time.  Journal-ling helps a bit I suppose but I need to work out what to do to sort it all out.

This Is Not Good - INTJs Do Not Cope Well With It

 Yes, I am having a mini meltdown and for many reasons I suppose.  Analysing the reasons probably doesn't help either but dealing with them, that's another thing.  Are these "things" the cause or the symptom?  Will fixing one or all of them be the right approach.

It's bad as I can clearly "get out of it" but not for long.  A few bits of work yesterday distracted me but I soon slipped back into this state of mind.  Interestingly my tinnitus disappeared yesterday for a while but it's back this morning.  I woke overnight again but managed to go back to sleep in 20 minutes whereas often if I wake and it is light I come downstairs for an hour or two.

The pain body is really giving it some stick at the moment and I just need it to pass and to go back but here, right now, writing this, it wants to pile the pressure on.  I am working my way through this a bit at a time but it is really difficult this time.  The way my mind works isn't conducive to sorting this out, there's probably not a nice easy answer to it I do need to work my way through it somehow as it is debilitating.  

I don't want to do anything, just sit and stew so that needs to be worked on. Let's see what I can do today to do that.  

Here We Go Again - Black Dog Comes Back To Haunt Me

 I hate these visitations they are "all in your head" or so they say and that's true and I know it to be so and I can normally deal with it and it goes away and yet, you forget that.  Forget that you've been through all of this before, realise that it can be worked away from and yet right now, it feels hopeless and it's as if there is no way out of this malaise.

Don't feed the dog ought to be a note on my desk.  I've sunk down to that area where I don't want to go out or do anything but by not doing anythings, there's the empty space for the Dog to get in, settle down and stir up thoughts that I'd rather not have.  I can feel the mental and physical anxiety spreading, I'm not sleeping properly and drinking has become a habit that I need to tackle as well. 

Shortly, after a few meetings I can go see my mum and that will cheer us both up.  I need a break but I'm too lazy (not the correct word) to do anything about it.  It's been three years since the last holiday and I really didn't enjoy that if I think about it. Or maybe that's just me being in my dark space.

I've turned into my father who was prone to these dark moods.  I am swinging in and out of being really sad and morbid and just being accepting of it but not anywhere near my normal self.

I've got my note book to hand and so I need to get this darkness out of my current mindset, get rid of the dog and move on - it is so much easier to say than to do.  

Didn't Work This Morning Though Did It?

 Awake at 2 am and it was dark enough to go back to sleep but awake at 5:30 as OH got up and came back to bed and that was it, wide awake and my thoughts were once again of the disturbed sort.  I am having a right old tussle of thoughts at the moment.  Not all are good thoughts and so I am struggling to contain it at the moment.  

Add that together with the mortality thoughts, the change in lifestyle and now some concern over my eyesight and my hearing and the live in the moment attitude has suddenly gone from serial thoughts and actions to being bombarded with parallel thoughts and inaction. 

It will pass as these things often do - it's just that this bump in the road is a little more difficult to negotiate but I will get over it.  It's like dragging a load of heavy weights around after you though. 

Effective Breathing To Go Back To Sleep

 The struggle continues as once again I find I awoke at 05:30 but this time I was able to work on my breathing to get back to sleep thank goodness.  This is the 4 second in through the nose, 6 second (or a count of) breathing out through the mouth and actually concentrating on the breath itself - feeling it going in and out of the body and I was probably back asleep within 5 minutes.

Concentrating on breathing in and out takes away all the unhelpful thoughts and allows focus elsewhere.  I know this but forget to practice it.  I'm still tired but at least this helped.  I also need to shut down looking at my phone, tablet or PC for some time (hours) before bed.

It was a nice afternoon and evening out with some old and new friends.  The journey there was fraught with accidents, closed and roadwork roads adding another 30 minutes to my journey there and perhaps a further 15 minutes to my return journey.  

I have yet another problem with my electric gates this time the other leaf as that has started scraping and I am not sure why that is but then again, the weather bends and warps the wood and now it is drying out and the gates are working properly on their electric actuators this new dragging needs a bit of maintenance.  These are big gates to work on and so I'll be having a "bit of fun" using large spanners to manipulate the adjustable hinges.  Hopefully that is all it needs as if I have to invest in another Acrow to support the post I will be disappointed.  The other Leaf has such a device as the post is loose and leaning - or rather it was until I set up this adjustable prop to stop that gate leaf hitting the driveway.

In other news it is the local council elections and about half the seats in England are up for the public to voter.,  We had our vote (despite  the Government of the day postponing it) last year.  There are also the London Boroughs and the Scottish and Welsh parliament elections.  It will prove interesting to see what the results show because despite the fact that these are local you can be sure that national sentiments will come through based on the shocking performance of the current lot who seem to come out with some ill thought through policy that pisses everyone off even more.  It's as if they didn't do any sort or market research or impact assessment before stating their "great new policy".  If they'd engaged their brain before their mouth perhaps someone would think that it was worth doing.

For people who were voted in on Change, less control over our lives (yep they said that) they are doing what all socialists do and telling you what you can and cannot have even down to what sort of Tumble Dryer you are allowed to have!  They'll be telling us what underwear to put on and what colour shirts (bound to be red).  An absolute shower of spinless, rudderless incompetents and that's their good points.

Anyway - at least I have handled the getting back to sleep stuff and I hope that I can work on the other problems by working through them a bit at a time.   

Urgh - Yet Another Disturbed Night

 Five O'Clock this time, wide awake - startled out of whatever dream I was having which was complex and circular going nowhere but just all procedural and bureaucratic. That was it, wide awake and then came the thoughts and the dark places were lining up to prevent renewed sleep so I threw on a few clothes and came downstairs - it is quite light at 5 a.m. 

I was then greeted with a mouse in the kitchen trap this time - had one in the living room trap a few days back.  It is most unusual to have them here in what is almost summer - they tend to arrive just after harvest time and over winter.  A shame but anyway I cleared that up and then did some admin and wondered whether I've somehow screwed my cortisol levels or something.

I was sad and melancholic almost wanting to burst into tears for no real reason.  I'm fighting the demons again, not quite full Black Dog but too near for my liking.  I've grabbed a shower and apart from feeling a little tired I am sort of OK.  I've a meeting tonight to go to and perhaps that will break this mood for me.  It is very much this change from one state to the other that is challenging me - from work busy to retirement and I somehow didn't plan it or put off thinking about it and now it's here and dealing with it is taking some time.

I pretty much know what it is and I just need to adjust to it.  I'm sure that it just needs me to change my lifestyle to suit and to get rid of all this negative energy.  Knowing what it is (or what I think it is) is not the same as dealing with it.  Things need to change to stop the spiral of depression and this worthlessness I currently feel.  There's the mortality stuff to deal with too which isn't helping me much.

I am making small steps in tackling all of this but in truth, I need to start "eating my own dog food" as the saying goes and do something about it.  I cannot keep putting it off.

Clarity Possibly - Disturbing Thoughts Again

 I have had these disturbing thoughts on and off for years.  The survivor syndrome, the visits by the Black Dog and last year's meltdown all tell you and me something about how things have been these past 20 years.  This July it's been 20 years since it all presented.

The journey, if we can call it that, has been sporadic and in many ways not without some huge swings in mood.  I'd always been sensitive to anyone calling out my professionalism - I pride myself on how "good" I was at my job and my technical competence in certain early control systems and microprocessor work was called on and so it comes as a shock to get called out, like I did last year but then it made me anxious, stressed and sick even though I was fully aware that the accuser didn't have a clue and was being advised by wormtongues I am certain.

But, Bladder Cancer and the way it changed me has made me weaker in the head than I used to be and less self assured than I was and my brain used and still uses that against me - the pain-body being the culprit and myself knowing that is the case for not identifying t and fighting it off.

Recently, much to my consternation, I have been having the "better off dead" thoughts too.  It's not good but I can see why.  This change from business activity (or inactivity LOL) is really messing with my head and purpose is having to be redefined in many ways because what is the purpose?  Work, home, family used to be the focus but that's all changed now.  Things that I used to do feel unsettling now, even going out for an evening feels strange to me. 

I think that things are beginning to change and some clarity is coming along but I find myself distracting with small short projects (keeps me busy) and back to procrastination on other things I should be doing, my accounts for example, I need to just sit here and do them and have done with it.  You get into a rut even when in reality the day is open to you to do what you want and so I think I will try and call on my Programme / Project Director's background and organise my self in a way that actually achieves things in the good old Elephant Eating method (Q: How do you eat and Elephant knowing how big it is? A:  A bit at a time)  That's it really - the deadlines of my previous life no longer exist, they've been taken away and there's a gap in my life.  That gap needs to be filled with retirement things.

So I have done little jobs these past few days.  I'm tackling small jobs, in a small way and then working on the fact that there are 365 days here and the only calls on my time are 14 half days per year.  The whole of the summer has no demands on my time and so I can break the time up to suit myself.  An hour here and an hour there.  There's lots that can occupy my time but I can Elephant Eat that - Tidy the Log shed up, clear the weeds, mow the lawn (well strim it) work my way around the little odds and ends of jobs I've put off and there are hundreds of days and hours to do these things and it doesn't need to be a marathon when a few short sprints might sort it out.

I want everything done at once but reality says if I do a little bit everyday it will get done and there should be no need to fret about it either.  You tend to feel good when you've achieved something and a series of small daily achievements will, I am sure, get me out of this malaise.  I've done a few chores already - less than 30 minutes work on each and ticked off of the list.  

Bank Holiday Monday

 I recall the very first Bank Holiday Monday as we headed off to Broadstairs for the weekend and stayed at a nice B&B.  Our friends knew a restaurant that we went to that had the biggest Mixed Grill I had ever seen.  I remember I drove us down there.  It was a great time.  We used to play Badminton together and I shared a flat (well a house really) with MW and Sundays were crazy.  Both are future wives and us would head to the Sports Centre and play perhaps an hour's Badminton and then he and I in particular would undo all the good by having several beers in the clubhouse!

That was in 1978 - now I feel very old indeed.as that was 48 years ago.  We used my Sunbeam Rapier to get there (UK version of a Plymouth Barracuda).  A brilliant car and before mobile phones and the like we had a few hairy hours of trying to get to and from pick up points when incoming trains were delayed requiring me to dash between three stations.  It worked out OK after that though.

Halcyon days with my own car, living away from my parents and having enough money to pay my way too.  I was 19 years old then, peak of my powers in many ways and newly qualified Engineer.  A few years later, married and it would have been 45 years a few days ago had I not split up and walked away from it all.  

I Suppose It Is Normal

 Friday's anxiety was, as always, soon put to the back of my mind, once I got to the meeting, met with some old and new friends, settled in and relaxed the anxiety evaporated and I was able to put it all behind me and I was among friends and the stress fell away.

I am certain that this is a process you have to go through when you retire from the world of work and in my case this awful experience of being blamed for someone else's bad decision making.  I don't think I have gotten over that properly yet and it will soon be over as the business will shortly be dissolved.  Perhaps that can then be "put to bed" and I can move on?

It's fair to say that there are many things that I could be getting on with and slowly I am making a start.  I've gotten rid of all my business books and a load of spare gadgets that I frankly never used or haven't used in the 7 or 8 years I have been here.  The contents of the books are pretty much available online and I wont need them anymore so someone else can benefit from them now.

Likewise, gradually going through things that I will never use again and disposing of those will give me room to breathe too.  My film scanners, projectors and the like haven't been used properly for years either and I think that I can probably sell those off along with other bits of equipment used when I ran the film and scanning business.

So that is a plan to do a gradual disposal of things that currently just gather dust.  It's going to be harder for me to work on other areas of being retired.  I just need to work on them and realise that things will improve but not at the speed I want them to.  The disturbed sleep and the crazy sudden emptiness of no longer being "busy" all need to be tackled but I imagine it is the same for everyone.  It's the potential to waste what I have now that also plays on the back of my mind.  

It will change albeit not as fast as, or as complete as, I want it to.  Patience and slowing down are required. 

Due Out This Evening And I Am Anxious

 I shouldn't be but I am a little anxious, I can feel it building a little bit and it's been like this for a number of years.  I am going to a meeting, not far away perhaps 15 minutes drive.  I'll be with people I know and it will be all pleasant and interesting and hopefully not as warm as last year when we had one of the lads faint on us!  It should be fine, no stress.  I might have a little job to do but again, that's not a problem either.  So there isn't a reason for me to be stressed and there is room (for my claustrophobia) so there's no crush and so on so I don't know what I am anxious about, there's the little matter of driving there and back but again, it isn't too difficult really.  

I've got other meetings coming up too - May is the busiest in my calendar and I'll be paying ULEZ at £12.50 a throw which apparently makes it OK to drive into London albeit I'll hardly be in London!  Then I'll only have a meeting in June and July to go to and we get summer off.

This anxiousness is strange though because I'll enjoy the meeting and the dinner afterwards so it's not logical to feel like this at all really.  It is what it is, once I'm there I'll feel fine, settle down and enjoy it.   

Progress A Few Steps Backwards But Mainly Forwards

 It is all a bit strange - getting a new phone and navigating it's nuances was just annoying as they put all sorts of adverts and nag screens in but a google search and I was able to turn most of the annoying stuff off.  AI also helps when you ask for step by step instructions how to achieve something too.  I've put my effort into building custom birthday cards for people I know and I am delighted that I can ask AI to build bespoke cards for me.  It adds a personalized touch to the occasion and I hope it is appreciated too.

I've just received some of my supplements and I now have a regime where I have quite a few vitamins and minerals every day.  I hope it helps keep the Doctor from the door.  I started taking vitamins in 2000 although I had been taking some basic Vit C and D before then.  Now it is a cocktail of additional things including Iodine.  I feel quite lucky that I do not have any signs of arthritis which my friends appear to have or any other problems.  Sure, I've had Bladder Cancer of course and when younger problems with my ears and whilst I have hearing aids and hearing definition inserts I find I only use them occasionally.  The Tinnitus is manageable but can on days cause more annoyance than anything else.  I have the occasional problems with my knees from a cricket accident 30 years ago.  That's it, aches and pains but not requiring replacement joints or anything else and I hope that I will continue to be free of such things.  

I must lose some more weight over this coming summer and get out and about more as I feel I have been stuck indoors for years.  I'm not sure what stops me from getting out other than the habit of being in.  

There are a few things left for me to do before I am free of the business commitments in as much as I need to finalize the closing of it.  Then it needs to be archived and be put away for 7 years.  That leaves a couple of things that I must do in admin terms and then I can continue to make progress towards retirement.  There are still the occasional moments where I catch myself wondering what am I doing looking blankly at this screen or desk, they are becoming less as I work on moving forward and putting all the crap behind me - finally!

New Phone - A Bit Daunting

 I finally had enough of my old phone rebooting itself and so I got a new phone - bigger more powerful but of course there's all the setting up and re-logging on and security to overcome.  But it has a better camera and so I was able to chat to my grandson this morning.  How can he be 5 years old already?  He was on good form as was my soon to be 3 years old granddaughter. 

It's taken about a whole day now to get things as I want them and to shut down all the nag screens from the manufacturer's embedded Apps!  

Let's hope it lasts more than the 5 years my last phone lasted!    

Measuring Happiness

 In recent months I've been adapting to not having anything to do.  Well, that's not quite true.  In reality I've been trying to work out what life without work is like and what my next journey is going to look like.  The strangest thing to me is these dream / flashbacks that I've been having.

I got rid of a lot of the reliving of my past perhaps 14 or more years ago when it was becoming a problem for me.  When I was over analysing anything and everything and I, overnight, banished a lot of the pouring over my past and the what if and so on.  That works quite well, the odd time that I slip back but I know the signs and I stop the rot before it sets in.

The recent things are like a moment ago when I looked back or flashed back to my early days in College and how happy I was back then.  Enthusiastic, motivated to learn new things and I had a great lecturer it was so different from school being treated as an adult and everything was new and exciting.  Another flashback is at break time, at another college, having fun with new friends, going to the local park for lunch and getting along with everyone.  It was all new and you were suddenly out there, in the big world and doing for want of another word, 'stuff' you had your own money and your own freedom. So I get these flashbacks and I sort of get what they are implying for my today by looking back at those halcyon days of my youth.  

Some though are strange as there's no rhyme or reason for recalling these scenes somewhat like Harry Potter's Pensive scenes a past experience is replayed.  In my case these are apparently random nothing scenes.  I have one where we (my college colleagues) and I are in my battered old Mark1 Cortina and we are driving not far from Wandsworth past a parade of shops, a double decker bus is on the opposite side of the road and we drive across a pedestrian zebra crossing and continue our journey.  That's it, that is the scene perhaps someone is directing me where to go. We are again at lunch break from college so perhaps off to a pub somewhere?   In another I am parking the car at Putney but that's all of the snippet.  There's not a clue why I would recall these at all.  There's no incident surrounding them so that is what I find strange.

So back to the subject as I have segued a bit.  Happiness when I was younger seems to be a freedom things, earning and playing, no real worries, having a smoke and a drink, being with friends and having fun.  Work was hard but also fun, playing hard and working hard.  Had my own money at last and was in those great years when the music was brilliant and the weekends lasted from Thursday night until Sunday late evening.  Of late, I've not been having fun nor have I just gone our and enjoyed myself like I used to. You grow up, you get obligations and responsibilities, you get seriously ill, you recover your health but not your mental state, you have to work with arseholes and pillocks and then realise you've worked with those sorts of people all your life.  You despair whether the human race will ever learn its lessons, give it's head a wobble and grow the f*** up?

So, I need to get back to how I used to be where everything was exciting and new.