Good Grief - What A Bad Day

 Not a dark black day just a total despairing sick in my throat day - close to tears all day long and a feeling of utter helplessness.  I see all the reasons but they were there yesterday and the day before and I didn't have these thoughts.

I cannot fix what I want to fix and I am waiting for a delivery but that's not it either, the problem will be there tomorrow.  All my usual tactics are not operating either.  It really is just ridiculous.  I do not feel like doing anything but want to do something and when I start I dislike it and stop as it can wait and I lose the enthusiasm for it.

It is annoying but very upsetting as today I cannot see the way out of it.  I am going to try and work through it if I can.  It is very difficult today, one of the strangest days as it isn't black or desperate like earlier in the year.  

No doubt I need to sort things out here but it isn't going to be easy and I just need a strategy to deal with it.  What a yukky day.  I've asked the OH to bring in a  bag of sweets on her way home as that might give me a sugar hit and cheer me up.  I hope so, I need out of this mindset ASAP.  

The Slip Ups Along The Way

 Pointless. meaningless and whatever else my mind came up with this morning! I was delighted that I slept through until around 6 this morning but trying to get back to sleep was difficult.  The cause was things like my current claustrophobia which isn't rational I know.  It wasn't actually suffering it but imaging a situation where I might and how to get out of that particular imagined scenario.

Then other stuff came flying in and despite me knowing that there was no substance in them my mind took over and that was it.  OH got up and I decided to get up and come downstairs!  That's annoying as I managed to get back to sleep previously this week.

Whilst I am better than I was, these little relapses just cause more anxiety even though I know there is little substance about them,

Back to the drawing board as they say.

Why The Bloody Big Hole?

 Suddenly (well the last 6 months maybe) there's nothing to get up for, nothing in terms of purpose and an empty space in my body / head where it used to be full.  It is very strange and I am dealing with it in perhaps the totally wrong way I guess?

I don't want to do anything.  Does that make sense?  Nothing truly interests me anymore.  I don't like my "stuff" I don't feel up to reading.  I listen to music but sporadically not all the time like I used to.  Not much excites me either.  I do things to keep occupied, today I fixed the silicone sealant in the wet room and di a bit of maintenance on the sink whilst I was there.  Some mould treatment for an area I spotted will happen tomorrow or another day when the treatment arrives.

I really cannot be arsed to do things.  I promised myself I'd go for some walks and I've only partly done that.  I stopped drinking, I don't know, end of August I guess.  sticking to that.  Do I miss it?  Yes I do but I've lost at least an inch if not a lot more off my waist so why go back to it.  I looked when I went shopping and I just didn't fancy it and neither do I fancy a glass of wine yet I have bottles of the stuff here.

I don't see any "purpose" in life now as it (my working life that is) was how I defined myself I suppose.  The tasks that I could do overwhelm me at the moment yet I can do a little each day to chip away at them I suppose.  I'm happy just to give it all away if I'm honest.  In fact I have a few boxes going soon of stuff I no longer use or want.

I suppose I'll get through this but it needs some effort and enthusiasm which I just do not have right now.  

I do feel like there is a huge hole in my body, hollowed out mentally and physically.  

Better - Small Steps - Slow Improvements

 Things cannot get done in double fast time and I was able to sleep well again last night which is great.  I haven't had a beer for well over a month now and I've lost weight, not where I want to, but the belly is always the last to show it.  I need to lose a lot more but already my trousers and clothes are loose, my watch slides up and down my wrist and so on.

Did giving up drinking affect me?  Maybe, I am not sure, it's not as if I crave for a beer although I do miss the habit I have to say.  There was a certain enjoyment but you cannot regularly drink beer and not put on weight.  Liquid Bread they call it and it pretty much is that.

Sleeping through or just not needing to get up is good.  I get the urge to get up but switch back off so I am pleased with that I have to say.  Steady progress.....

When The Mundane Makes Headlines

 Mundane for you but quite good for me.  A full night's sleep for me.  The first time in ages I have had a full night's seep. up just once and straight back to sleep and disturbed at 6 but managed to continue through to the alarm.

Not interesting to you perhaps but this is good news.  I spent a lot of time last night going through some Eckhart Tolle videos and that helped me settle out some of the head anxiety problems I've been having these past 2 years for it is about that sort of time that all the nastiness on the company took off and additionally the ugly meeting last year.  

That's all gone now, the business was officially wound up a few days ago and so nothing exists anymore.  Great news.

Once you empty your mind and stop worrying about what might happen you can start to get through it - the main thing is still to identify the voice in your head and to deal with it.  More in that later. 

Highs And Lows, My Topsy Turvy Times

 I surely am having a topsy turvy sort of time at the moment as I go from being OK to being in the lowest of places.  I catch myself and work on bringing myself back to equilibrium but for how long?  Sometimes days, sometimes hours and occasionally just a few moment.

It isn't easy at the moment as I never know which "ME" is going to turn up given any particular situation.  Currently I have a small project I am working on and whilst I am doing that I am OK.  When I come away from that I am find that I am straying back into the catastrophe that is my mind as it whirls about and tries to make sense of it all.  It is reminiscent of my past experiences and where that led.  I know this feeling and when I get it things change.  I am resisting that but perhaps need to accept that this is just my intuition telling me to tackle a build up of things.

Trying to steer clear of social media as best I can albeit with varying levels of success. 

The Teeter - On The Edge

 I had a good day yesterday and my Mattock had arrived and a new manhole cover and so I was able to change that cover and then tackle some of the lumps in our garden.

The Mattock is a 5 lb one and you quickly notice how heavy it is but it does make reasonably light work of the lumps and bumps in "the lawn" let's call it for now.  It may well return to being a lawn when I've finished. 

I probably did around 45 minutes work and called it a day as I could feel that I'd stared to get an ache.  Always listen to your body and finally I did just that this time.  Often I do too much and regret it.

Why on the edge?  Well it is strange, I am getting better sleep and my 1.5 Tog duvet has arrived which is just warm enough at this time of year for me.  I have a winter duvet but I am beginning to overheat and find myself getting very hot so this will be a good interim solution. I woke even with this a little warm and suddenly my mind filled up with hundreds of "things to do" it's overwhelming and of course not everything can be done at once or needs to.  Just my mind and it's annoying that it does this to me.

Overnight there was a lot of noise in the garden - it sounded very loud and was either Badgers, Foxes or perhaps Hedgehogs.  Screeching, snuffling and sort of barking, probably investigating the newly turned over earth?  

I've brought myself back under some semblance of control but it is a little fight between overload or just live as it is each day.  The claustrophobia comes and goes as does the overwhelming weight of all the things my mind thinks I have to do!   

Hopefully a little longer in the garden and I can feel a little better again?  In general, I am getting better but more work is needed for sure.

Apparently - I Am A Lot Better

 Other Half said so yesterday- I was a bit more like my old self and I have to say I'm slowly getting there I suppose.  I do need to keep working at it but I am sleeping a bit better and only slipping into overthinking every now and then.  I bring myself up short with that and can mainly (although not entirely) manage that now. 

It was an interesting day yesterday OH went to London and I sort of pottered around sorting things out waiting for two deliveries that didn't turn up, Again.  Evri and Hermes.  I wonder why people use them.  I have a series of emails from them all around the same time of day which suggest they ran into trouble delivering to me whereas Amazon, DPD etc have very rarely had such issues.  So it sort of slowed me down doing what I wanted to do but I was able to do some research and get other bits achieved.

Anyway a little more continued improvement is required and picking up any of these thought streams that lead to anxiety and send me off.  

A Constructive Day Left Me Feeling A Bit Better

 I spent a long day in the garden and in the adjacent plot of land that holds the Septic Tank.  I finally closed off the air brick areas of the house using rodent mesh after removing the "nest" that was in one.  I managed to get stung by some Nettles right at the end even after wearing gauntlet gloves - a part of a leaf somehow managed to get me!  

Apart from that it was a glorious Autumn day and very warm.  It took my mind off of the worries I have and so a good night's sleep albeit up around an hour earlier than normal.

The delivery company managed, yet again to say they were delivering but at 17:10 as they do every time, were "unable to make the delivery" - this particular company has done this on every occasion they have been used, the same message at the same time.  Hopefully they will deliver today.

Something more mundane is I need to replace the manhole cover on the Septic Tank which is rusting away on the edge.  Not too difficult I'd say and not too expensive.

In terms of head problems I'd say I am down at around 25% of the worst type and my mind still attempts to round on me and beat its own self up.  Quite why it is so destructive I have no idea.  There you go though and I need to "snap out of this" as soon as I can.  I cannot go on like this and it makes no sense. 

Where Did Uplifting, Fun, Enjoyment Go?

 In this country, a nation lost their sh1t in around 2016 I'd suggest.  Brexit.  You'd have thought that a majority vote would have settled it and actually it divided a nation.  People you thought you knew turned into ugly nightmarish, yelling, abusive and illogical.  Apparently if you voted for it you were a bigot, ill informed, stupid yada yada yada.

I worked in Europe and stayed at the MEP and NATO Hotels and can give you some details about where your money went and so on  That isn't the only example.  However, I'm wrong no matter what I say because, you know, I'm a racist or something!

Since then people have been ugly and intolerant and I lost a number of acquaintances or rather chose not to continue knowing them.  The whole country runs along who yells loudest and the good old discussion no longer happens.  The TV debates are rigged and favour a specific opinion type.  The standard answer to a difficult question is either one of these yelled or spat out:

1. Bigot!
2. Racist
3. Some sort of bile filled abuse
4. I'm telling my mummy about you!

You probably get the picture.

I currently need uplifting as I dip in and out of being either depressed or coping with depression.  I used to enjoy Facebook, it used to be fun and silly and you could catch up with your friends and what they were up to but today I went onto it and it was to say the least mildly depressing.  People's opinions about the state of the UK/USA/World and so on.  Stories as we gaze on watching the UK spiral down into the toilet and so on.

So I am breaking the habit on that and I think I should on TV (albeit I hardly watch it - Monday being an exception when I watch two programmes 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge') and then there is YouTube and that can be a bit too much given that I follow some channels, they too are now all doom and gloom so I should also carefully monitor that too.

I need a plan to get out of my current situation too and moving my attention to sources of doom, gloom and so on, really shouldn't be on that set of actions! 

Surprising How Much Attention You Give Your Devices

 Saturday night was pretty horrific for me trying to get to sleep and my head just filled up with things to be done, regrets things were not done and anger and resentment, confusion and a complete melt down.  Apart from that everything was fine LOL.

I had what can mildly be called a panic/anxiety attack I guess.  I got dressed and went down stairs and paced about a bit, tried to sit down and after a period of maybe fifteen minutes felt well enough to go back to bed where I managed to sleep through.  Sleep was fitful on Sunday but I was a lot better, my well leafed, dog eared "A New World" by Eckart Tolle saw to that and I read it for around 30 minutes before going to bed and was able to drop off and woke twice and got up 15 minutes before the alarm and so I am pleased about that.

I'm not pleased that I need to repair something but, once again, I'm told not to do it now, to do it later.  Part of the reason I am getting stressed is that nothing gets done, jobs get stopped part way through and so on.

I have tried to keep away from social media and glancing at my phone every couple of minutes. It is quite difficult not to do something as habit forming as checking it and you'd be surprised.  Try and work out how many times you do it.  I've cut back and I am trying to only do a few periods during the day.  I think it may be helping albeit Saturday's melt down was caused by other problems other than Social Media!

I kept away from this blog for 3 days.  That too is a conscious effort to disconnect from it for a while.

Give It A Rest

I think that is the best thing for now.  I can only imagine it is getting boring for you and things are moving in the right direction:

• Stopped drinking (I nearly wrote stopped smoking but that was 21+ years ago)
• Sleeping better
• Slowly day-by-day approach
• Returned to proper eating and little or no cheating - lost a stone in the last three weeks I'd say
• Pulling Away from too much screen time on the PC and Phone / Tablet

I am not my good old cheery self but these incremental small steps are helping.

Writing about small increments is sort of OK but for now, I think I should only report on exceptions rather than this low noise low interest stuff.  

See you when I'm older!

Rebuild Continues Albeit Slowly

 Well OH is a lot better thank goodness and a day of recovery and sleeping sorted things out.  I was pretty tired and so getting to sleep was OK but this morning was difficult but OH told me to come back to bed and try and sleep which I guess I did as I woke with the alarm.  

Putting myself back together again is proving difficult but it is a slow process and the mood swings are big for sure.  I wonder if it is a combination of many things but surely one of them are the clowns who think they are in charge of the country and the pathetic and childish way they attempt to govern.  It appears that they do not see the financial problems hurtling down the track and are spending money like a kid in a sweet or toy store!

They are socialists after all and missing that part of their mind that controls how to tackle problems and govern for all the people.  They really don't have a clue and like all politicians, lie or mumble past questions in their answers.

Worry shouldn't be on the cards and I should know better than that but there it is.  If you can see problems coming and are powerless to do anything about them other than to prepare for it then I guess that's some of the head poo that is contributing to my current frame of mind.

Little steps.  

Horrendous Day And Night Too

 I was in a very dark mood yesterday, very dark indeed.  I think it all started OK but just deteriorated into a bad series of just not knowing what to do with myself.  It was just awful, a series of angry episodes, then sad, then manic resulting in me walking up and down the garden path to get some air or try and overcome them.  

It wasn't helped by the OK announcing that her son and grandson were coming for dinner either as I'd got food out but there wasn't enough for 4 of us so I did it for 3 and sorted myself out later - as they also ate earlier than I normally do.

Then at 3 this morning I heard OH call out and got to her in time for her to pass out on me - it looks like food poisoning and after an hour or so of helping her through it all she managed to get back to bed and is sleeping.  It was very frightening as I was able to keep her from falling but you know how difficult it is to hold on to someone in a dead faint.  Anyway, I managed to get her tidied up and sorted out.  It isn't nice at all especially for her of course.  She had to do that for me some years ago.  I'm certain that I had a contaminated salad (twice) I think a mouse dropping first time and bird dropping the second time.  I was seriously not well, so much so that we needed an Ambulance and a Paramedic for me.  

It was close last night I have to say especially if she had passed out a few more times than just the once.  So I got little sleep for maybe and hour and a half but eventually manage some and I am awake around an hour before 'normal'.

Concentrating on her will mean that I won't have time to dwell on anything that is troubling me. 

Switching Off - So Difficult At The Moment

 I struggle with all sorts of things at the moment.  I woke around 4 and managed some fitful sleep for a few hours but then woke up and just needed to get up.  It was not too early but my head was full of stuff.  Problems, state of the world, catastrophising again.  

The problem with this is that everything looks like a problem. It leads to short anxiety attacks for example there was an advert of someone having a haircut and I got a feeling of trapped in claustrophobia and have to turn it off!  It is irrational and I know that but I just cannot get this stuff out of my head at the moment.  I can for short periods do it but right now, it seems like I cannot shake it off. 

I'll be OK in an hour or so I think but for how long?  It is giving me problems and of course, it compounds itself, the more you focus on trying to sort it out the more you pile on the problems.  Perhaps I need that full break from things for a while.  Isolate myself from social media, news, TV etc.  I know the answers to all of this - but there always an excuse not to do something about it and hope it goes away.  The unfortunate thing is it doesn't go away or not for long.  

I will tackle this but I have to get out of where I am.  Where I am? Old age has just hit me like a sledge hammer and I wasn't expecting it.  

Is This It? What's It All About

 Another strange morning.  I slept reasonably well but had the urge to get up about an hour earlier than normal it had been a humid night and I just needed to get up as I felt the arising in my mind of problems that aren't problems.

My mind is a mixture of things.  Mortality is playing on my mind a lot at the moment and for me, there's a gap in  my head about what to do next.  I am free of the business but that was the thing that I had been working on for a long time and it's gone abruptly and not in a good way.  Annoyingly, whilst I made an exit plan for that I did not make one for myself and ripping that "purpose" away inevitably leaves a gaping hole in my life and I realised that all the other things I did, I gave up for the business.  Fat reward I got for that!

So there's nothing at the moment to grasp on to and plans, such as they were, no longer exist.  It's a vacuum and in there the doubts arise and the life you thought you had isn't anything like the life you actually have now.  It's all very unnerving for me and I am really struggling with that.

I understand that you can work your way through this but at the moment, it doesn't feel like that at all.  It feels like a "no hope" scenario but deep down I know that is not the case and that I need to work through this.  It isn't as bad as a month or two back when it truly was dark times.  I should be pleased with progress and that I have cut out the beer and can see real progress in weight loss etc.

I need to do a bit more to get out and about a bit more but it is easier to sit here and wallow in mire of my dark periods.  I hope to get out of this in time and get back to living in the present, in the now but it is not easy to do so right now.  Perhaps I know the answer but I am not prepared to accept it?  Who knows? I certainly don't at the moment.  

Intermittent Wobbles - I Suppose It's Something Better?

 I feel better than I did some weeks back and I'm getting better sleep with less interruptions and if I do wake I can get back to sleep relatively quickly, at least better than it has been.  But I am having these strange moments now, anxiety attacks which of course are future or forward looking things as opposed to right here, right now stuff.  

The worst of it is my claustrophobia which kicks in just thinking about going out somewhere or the unknown.  If I do (something) will it be packed, too hot, make me breathless and so on.  I've had it for years and how on earth I travelled by train so often I don't know other than I used to go to work and leave work early to avoid the rush hour.  I'd wait for an hour or two before getting on a packed train.  I hated it.

So now, I am feeling hesitant about going out in case I get too hot or too claustrophobic.  It's an irrational fear I know but tell that to my head!  I think I need to get it sorted out again although I never really sorted it out before - I just rode through it. It seems to be that all I really want to do is stay home and not go out at all.  I know!  I need to do something about it and I will but I am not sure what.  

It seems that I have lots of "problems" at the moment and I suppose its all the stuff going on and retirement kicking in and biting, mortality thoughts and so on.  Suddenly I am old and it crept up on me and just presented me with a grey old bloke looking back at me from the mirror!  I remember when I was a teenager, just starting work and the old boy I was working with who'd fought through WW2 and was almost retirement age was up a pair of steps putting up a light fitting and coughing and wheezing looked at me and said "Don't ever get old!"  I can see what he meant.  He did however, set in my mind not to carry on working on site and I got into the office as soon as I was able.  

  

Normality? Well Appearing For One Night Only! LOL

 I managed to wake up around 4 am with my knee throbbing away and a brief walk to and from the bathroom seemed to fix it and then at 6:30 it woke me up and I decided to get up, stick a knee brace on and come downstairs.  Actually 06:30 isn't so bad in reality just an hour before my 'usual' so it's not lying awake for hours or bad thoughts but my knee has been bad for years but not in any meaningful way.  The last time it was bad was July a couple of months ago and it hasn't bothered me since.

No doubt another benefit of getting old although the damage was done around 1994/5 if I remember properly.  Cricket that I shouldn't have been involved in and got press-ganged into.  It didn't feel bad at the time but I ended up having around 6 weeks where I was driven to and from work in Canary Wharf, London.  Hobbled into the building, up to 11th floor and then worked there all day and then hobbled back out to my waiting car for the journey home.

It's OK at the moment, I've put some freezing stuff on and a brace over so let's hope that sorts it out.

Better Again - 'Normality' Returns But For How Long

 I say normality but what is normal?  It's probably like yesterday  after I had come downstairs and written here I went out to bring in some bins and noticed a lot of animal excrement on the roads.  So asking AI (as you do) it reckoned it was either Roe Deer or Rabbit droppings.  WRONG!  it was in fact, as caught on our door camera, sheep and quite a lot of them in the lane.  Not sure how that happened or what caused it but it had all happened and finished by the time I got down here so perhaps 15 minutes beforehand - so probably what woke me I guess. 

Anyhow, OH had checked the camera and I reviewed it this morning.

I did well and got up with the alarm - at one time I didn't think I would as OH disturbed me but yes, got back to sleep even though it was light and feel good for that.

Two weeks without beer is also making inroads and I've lost a fair bit of weight, I'd guess half a stone if not more and I need to keep that going as long as I can.  So progress is being made, the dark gloom is lifting and the sleep patterns are improving, my weight is dropping and I do feel a lot better than I have for some time.  

There's still a lot to do and a way to go but I am certain we will get there.  

Dawns Another Day Better Again

 Yes, that's pleasing, up a little later than I have been, not quite alarm time but for 30 minutes I am not worrying.  It's interesting that I woke only once when the OH came back to bed and I was able to go to sleep OK after that.

What is interesting (maybe only to me) is the difference in my state of mind in just a few weeks.  It is markedly different, A change in diet, approach and actually getting active and no beers too seem to have done the trick.  I've lost weight too, my mind is a bit sharper as well.  By that I mean that I have a clearer mind, I am not swelling on strange stuff although yesterday was a little strange as I found an envelope and in it were letters from old girlfriends which were interesting and very touching in many ways.  I wonder what to do with these as they are personal and some quite touching.  One is from my Ex and was lovely and did make me twinge a little with regret.

We were very open with each other back then and that fell away later. Yes, what to do with them?  Considering they've been hidden for around 50 years and no one knew they were there, perhaps nothing, I don't know, I will think about it.  It was of course how we talked to each other before texting became a thing.  They are rather sweet and of their time.  

Up Early Again - But NoT What You Think

 This time, I am in a better place and ready to get up and going.  I had a good day yesterday except I got notification of a speeding ticket :-(  It's the first in over 50 years of driving and so I guess that's something.  I know where it was and what was going on as it is in the photo and so it's a fair cop so to speak although one of those where I hope the bike that sped up as I was overtaking also gets a ticket too.  Anyway, let's wait and see.  It is annoying but considering I used to do 30,000 miles a year when I was driving I think I've managed to do OK up until now.

That's really not overly bothering me as much as I felt it would.  I spent yesterday tidying up my cousin's biography so it can be published to the various family members.  His version in print is fine but electronically it lost its photo images and captions, pagination and so on.  Anyway, I've managed to fix it after around 6 hours editing!  Hopefully he will be OK with the results.  It is an interesting read at close to 130 pages.  In fact it is similar to mine.  Except I think I need to edit mine a bit.  It's full of stuff that perhaps should make a separate essay such as my Covid diary which whilst it is interesting, is a distraction for my biography.

The rain of yesterday was nice to see after such a dry summer.  Today has dawned bright and so I'll take on some more garden tidying I think and see where that leads.  The driveway gates have swollen in the rain and look like they need some attention too!  I cannot win with them they warp and sag and almost have a mind of their own! 

So a lighter mood, much lighter in fact I feel better and just need to keep on doing what I am doing as little by little things are improving.  My weight is down, my body feels good too.  Log may that continue. 

Up Early - Better - The Swings And Roundabouts

 It's raining and after the long very hot at times summer it is a welcome relief to see some rain which is steadily coming down this morning.  It must have been heavier overnight as it woke me and I managed to sleep through with the one break but I'm still up early.  This time it was my OH who woke me and with an hour to go for the alarm I thought I'd get up anyway.

Yesterday I managed a good 3 or 4 hours in the garden tidying up around the garage. The wood store / log store is tidy and loaded with kindling now ready for winter.  I could do with some more logs bu I need to consider whether to buy some more or just get some from along the lane.

Next door started a load of work and a delivery lorry managed to scrape along our hedge - I don't think it has done too much damage and we were going to look at it anyway as it needs work on the gaps.  It's a panoramic cabin for a gymnasium - first we knew about it and it has planning approval.  One day it might be nice for someone just to drop a note to say that there are loads of workmen around.  Hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult a job and take too long but they were banging away until 7 pm yesterday so let's hope that they don't need to do that again!

The poor old delivery man was late too and I felt for him as he eventually got to us just after 9:30 last night, in the dark after some sort of problem at his base.  I hope he didn't have to deliver to any more houses after us.  

I'm in a better mood, once again, I think being occupied with the garden and clearing the side of the garage and starting to make an impact around the Oil (Kerosene) tank has really helped.  I am trying not to overdo it, it's easy to do that and so I'm wearing my back brace as there's lots of pulling and bending down to do.  

So a lightened mood and whilst I am up early I haven't had any "bad thoughts" to work with.  A better day and so far productive week.  An indoors day by the looks of it and so I can get on with some internal work.

Up Early - Not Great Again

 Another day working in the Garden yesterday and then some motor racing to end the day.  When I go to bed I can sleep straight away which is great and one waking interruption at 3 which is I suppose normal now.  However, 6 O'Clock arrived and I awoke and tried to get back to sleep but a sudden hot flush made me get up and come downstairs to see the light on in my office!  Little chap had been in playing on the PC and of course didn't turn the light off.

Looking on my camera it appears that the milkman probably woke me up as it alerts the phone - mine was turned to mute, OK's not so.  Anyway, it isn't too early I suppose.

I think I will give the garden another go to clear away the weeds and grass.  There were loads of brambles down the side of the garage that I cleared yesterday and there are some more that can go where they've gone crazy at the rear of the garage.

Whilst I am glad that I am doing things and that made me feel better, it isn't always the case and I do feel down but not nearly for so long or so deeply dark.  I think I can catch these things now and then try and overcome them.

The next battle is to try and overcome the going out problem.  I really do not want to go out and meet people or do anything at the moment.  Hopefully that will change - I need to work on that as generally I do feel better for having done so but not really feeling it at the moment.  Slowly slowly I suppose.

I cannot even tell you why I lost my mojo but a combination of factors are probably at play and I can only fix them a little at a time.  Age, mortality, loss of working (retirement), low self esteem, 20 year Cancer anniversary, my ageing mother, changing relationships brought on by these and so on are all combining to bring me down low.  I am not as bad as I was for sure and I am in a better place, I just need it to be even better. 

That Was A Lot Better Day And Night

 Got out finally and did some (much needed) gardening. it really has been too hot, up until now, to get out there and do much.  The lawn, I use the term lightly, was knee high and required some serious chopping down with the strimmers. The result was a good few hours chopping stuff down, back in for a shower and dinner.

 Watched F1 qualifying from Monza which brought back memories from 2012 when I went there and saw Lewis Hamilton win.  That was some weekend.

Then a whole night's sleep - almost waking up with the alarm which put a smile on my face too.

I think I will go out and do a morning's work in the garden and tidy up some more around the edges and do some tidying up of the firewood and the log store and hopefully that will get me started to work on the areas that need it a little at a time there is no need to go full on with this - my back is giving me those little twinging warnings and so my back brace is on ready for that. 

Much more upbeat today.  Hurrah! 

Purpose, Habit And Direction

 Perhaps some people just naturally merge into retirement and some have no issues at all as the phase from work to retirement painlessly move from one to the other?

Not me!  Of course not, it has to be a drama and a huge bump in the road.  

I had written and exit plan for the business determining what success or failure were and when to pull the trigger and make the decision to continue or walk away (you don't walk away BTW it is more controlled than that and is not over yet).  That was purely a business document and was used to unemotionally come to a decision in a logical fact and data controlled way.  It took no account of the consequences on me or anyone else for that matter.

It has taken a while, as you know, to become comfortable with the idea and the huge change that has happened and it still takes some adjustment too.  Gradually my sleep is getting better and the "problems" are subsiding in my mind.  They still exist a bit but control has returned and I can get back to sleep if I do wake with relative ease, certainly much better than the struggles I was having. 

When you take away huge influences or drivers of your life and what you get up for without having done the preparations beforehand it really is difficult, I could hardly believe it and now, some 6 months or so later I am only just coming out of the other side.  It has been a horrible experience and it's not fully done with me yet.  I've lost a huge amount of confidence and I need to slowly reestablish it.  Knocked the wind out of my sails you could say and the doldrums ensued.  Onward and upwards! 

Darker Mornings & Evenings

 Both naturally and in my case physically.  I slept reasonably well again, up at the same time as yesterday about an hour earlier than 'normal'.

My confidence really has taken a battering of late and I can probably trace that back to the business and all the nastiness of around 2 years ago now.  Two years, it hardly seem that but when I was younger I could ride all of this stuff but now I just don't have the wherewithal for it. 

I don't want to do much if anything at all, don't really want to be around other people and it's not a great feeling.  It's a nit unnerving too as I want to do something about it but cannot seem to.

It's been a week since I stopped drinking and there's bound to be something like withdrawal symptoms but in reality it was a bad habit that I got into and wasn't the pacifier or of any assistance at all.  I feel a lot better for not drinking and I have lost weight and feel better in myself but it wasn't a cure all and didn't help my state of mind either.  It was a pacifier and not a good one at that.

The carnivore diet is almost fully there now and I just need to eat enough to be satiated.  You shouldn't feel hungry and so I've not eaten enough to do that.  

The mornings and evenings are closing in and whilst I enjoy Autumn and Winter, this year I am not greatly looking forward to them as mush as usual.  It is surely my state of mind and I carry a dread feeling around with me.  I am working on it though.

Little Steps, Small Improvements

 It was quite humid this morning and so I got up about an hour earlier than 'normal' and I'm downstairs here at the PC.  Other than feeling a little hot I'm feeling better in myself and it's been 6 days since I had my last drink and I feel I have made good progress there, just 6 days but that's a start. 

I noticed that I am cheating a bit on my carnivore diet and it's just old habits and having a snack because it is there.  I can avoid that too I think and get on with eating properly and already I have noticed that I am losing weight and feeling better.

It's progress Jim but not as we know it!

My head is clearer than it has been but some of the strange stuff still lingers, the claustrophobia the trapped feelings and the facing up to getting old, no longer working and retired are all taking a while to address.  BUT, they are slowly being addressed. It's the loss of purpose that is disturbing, no direction etc.  

I imagine I will get there, it just hasn't dawned on me yet what that might look like and how mye life will be assembled going forward. At least I am more settled and calm about it at the moment. 

Better Sleep - Much Better

 If there was a good reason to quit drinking it's the very noticeable changes since I stopped last week.  My sleep has been much better and almost back to my normal wake up with the alarm and less frequent trips too, just the one last night.  I also feel a lot better too and I can feel a change in my body too, skin feels better, less head fog and so on.  I've gone back to the carnivore lifestyle and that too has already shown up in how well I am feeling at the moment and that is good.

Head-space - well that is a little better too I think and when I have woken up, I haven't had the black dog come and visit me so that is great.  I do need to just organise myself a bit better and that will come.   It is still easier not to do something than to actually get out of my chair and do it.

The biting insects seem to have been eliminated with this plug in and that has improved my general demeanour too.

So today is a good day and I feel better mentally and physically.  The answer can never be found at the bottom of a bottle / glass / can and I just need to remember that and steer away not making the same mistake I did last year and just get some beers in for Christmas!  I have a sparkling water maker which takes the place of the beer and drank early enough in the afternoon also prevents night time waking! 

A Parent's Worries

 My daughter is in the US and the last time I heard from her, she was in Yellowstone and heading south and so it was shocking to see the Grand Canyon flash flood and so I checked in with her to see if she was OK?  Well, kind of was the answer.  She wasn't at the Grand Canyon she was at Zion National Park and got warnings and got into her car as the rain / flood came and also luckily her tent survived.. She's a little shaken but other than that she is OK.

She is on a grand tour she has been away for some months in Canada and is now heading south from there.  Absolutely amazing and life changing affirming I guess.

So at least I heard from her before I went to sleep which was good.  I managed to wake up just the once and slept through until 30 minutes from the alarm, speaking of which, it has just gone off.  So just a once wake up night is very good.  Progress as I am going back to my diet well giving up alcohol and going back to my carnivore eating.  I can already feel the effects even after a few days.  I hope this supports my mental state which is not great but it is a lot better than a few weeks and months ago.

It is the start of Meteorological Autumn today and I hope that I can improve things gradually - of course, I dislike Autumn and Winter, never liked the dark mornings and nights but I quite like the crisp walks and colours.

No Bites! Hope It Settles Down Now

 Put on for 24 hours the plug-in insect killer appears to have worked.  A good vacuum up, change of bed linen and a deep clean too.  Let's hope that is the end of it but I also have some insect killer traps too arriving today as I want to do a belt and braces approach.

I had a bad head attack last night though getting worried about the insects and bugs FFS!  I then managed to get some sleep after a wander around the house.  Middle of the early hours a huge thunderstorm rolled through and the rain really came down.  Managed to get back to sleep though.

I am going to need to tackle this edge of madness (that's me just saying that) not knowing if I am going to fine or not.  I know what is happening and can sort of control it but I just need to work on it over the coming months.  I've made a start but not on the claustrophobia which has reared its ugly head again not on the trapped feeling either.  WIP.

Anyway, I hope that I'll be able to sort myself out - I don't really need it but it has been coming in for well over a year and hopefully I can tackle it and ride out the black days.  It isn't as bad as it was a few months ago for sure.  

Another Insect Bite! It's The Year For Them Apparently!

 The insect repellent / killer arrived but I managed to get bitten anyway and saw the culprit before the plug-in was installed!  Apparently a bad year for insect bites!  The outdoor camera didn't capture me falling over yesterday on the slippery path - the delivery driver had not shut the gate properly and as I retrieved the package and went to shut the gate my plastic clogs slipped in the wet (yes it rained at last) and I fell very heavily against the gate which I managed to hold on to but nearly broke my new spectacles and left me with aching ribs, a dent in my arm and wondering how I got away with the second fall this month? 

So my lesson was to sort out my footwear in the wet and be very careful on the path.  I probably need to give it a good clean down but of course we aren't allowed to use water like that in these drought conditions!

I am up early as the outdoor camera decided to go into crazy alert mode and started pinging alerts on the phone(s) so by the time the 6th or 7th alert had gone off I was fully awake.  Nothing much on the camera record though.  Some random 4 am recording but that was it.  As I got downstairs there was an empty toilet roll cardboard tube in the middle of the floor which was a bit strange and made me check out the mouse traps but nothing there so a mystery.

I am sort of OK head-wise at the moment albeit it, some of the dread arises which I can tackle for now,  I am managing a clearer head which is good. The leg cramp I got yesterday is still giving me little reminders and is still quite tender.  

It's Bank Holiday Sunday and the weather looks surprisingly good albeit late afternoon could see more rain.  With the humidity still a little high, getting things done indoors (and out) is a little difficult but I can at least do some bits today and start making a dent in the to-do list which grows longer by the day.

Hasn't Happened For A Long Time

 The up and downside.  I managed to actually go back to sleep and woke just before the alarm went but it was a huge cramp attack that did it and it was mighty painful - woke up the OH too which wasn't to plan either.  It still hurts some 45 minutes later.  I cannot recall having quite such a bad attack in recent years albeit I did have them many years ago.

On top of that we have been bitten again by some mosquitoes or bugs.  Apparently there are lots this year and shops are selling out of the itch cream - luckily I have some but poor OH has really been bitten bless her.  I have a plug in coming today which I hope will sort that out as it appears to be overnight we get attacked.  I killed one the other day and the amount of blood splattered over my hand was quite alarming.

I'm hopeful that I can start attacking the pile of paperwork on my desk not the weather appears to have broken.  I am going to be ruthless and just get rid of things that I no longer need or want.  The NAS had a HDD failure which I hope is being fixed with a new HDD and it is going through its rebuilding cycle.  

That's another thing to sort out too. All the company IT stuff - well it's actually mine but was used for the company.  I hope that I can just keep my concentration and stop the apathy of the last 4 or 5 months.  

Retirement has come as an out of the blue shock to me really.  I think I am on terms with it now and start to move on.  I have no plan (which being an INTJ is hard) and so I'll have to see where this takes me.  

Paved With Good Intentions

 Well I am back after a strange convoluted journey home through absolutely Biblical rain and partly flooded roads.  Up early albeit not too early I suppose and slept in my own bed which means that I am not aching as much - the guest room is good but the bed was very soft and so I ached - my hip was particularly painful and this morning my knee was a little twingey too.  A long drive perhaps?

Visiting my 89 year old mum was nice but she really isn't that mobile and we didn't go out but did participate in something called 'Rummikub' with some of her friends - an interesting game.  The independent living accommodation is an interesting concept but I have to say I don't particularly like it but there you go.  It just adds to my current state of mind and whilst I feel OK at the moment, it is just OK.  I at least managed to get good sleep last night and just up a couple of times.

The biting insects continue to plague us here so we will need to get the repellent out and use that.  Very annoying and my OH, bless her, has had a few days off and now back here and the little monsters have started to bite again.  It's been the perfect weather for them! 

As for me, I think I need to reset myself (again).  It is easy for me to fall back into my inward thinking, morose thought ways.  Whether I can do that or not remains to be seen.  It's just a case of keeping some discipline and sticking to 'the plan' which I haven't fully got at the moment.

The things that defined me no longer do.  Work and all that surrounded work disappeared and I hadn't planned for retirement mentally.  I'd done the long term stuff in terms of retirement funding but the loss of anything to do with day to day living passed me by which is unusual for me.  It starts now, I know what I know and what I don't know so it is a matter of dealing with that.

The other things that are haunting me are growing old, given I see my mother's struggles and can do very little about them.  Seeing her struggle is awful and she lives a long way from me so I end up with short visits like the last four days. I couldn't get her out of the flat this time either but the weather was partly to blame for that.

Anyway, I need to face up to all of this and cut out the anxiety and morbid thoughts I am having.  The brain can be so self-destructive I find.  Why? I have no idea.  

Dawn's Early Light

 Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal'  At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.

Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought.  It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps?  Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy.  My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.

So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent.  I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this.  I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum.  Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on. 

At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year.  Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation.  I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.

The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action.  I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it.  It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done.  Specific targets and specific bits of work.  SMART we used to say.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.  

My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project.  It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this.  Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do.  These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside.  It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.

I need too to work on myself and my mental situation.  There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):

• Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
• Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
• Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
• Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.   
• Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with.  Do I need or want one (or many).  I don't know at the moment.
• General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc. 
• Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.  
• Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try.  It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work. 

Anyway that's just a bit of it - and Elephant eating will be required as well as getting all the anxiety under control - I can, of course, do this but my head (or part of it) fights me and gets in the way.  

Slow Return To Clarity

My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing.  What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked? 

Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to.  They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required.  You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of? 

So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose?  I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff.  It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state.  As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand. 

I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her.  I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.

On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in.  With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.

I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.    

Rain - Almost forgotten What It Was

 It wasn't a lot of rain but it was enough to remember what it looked, sounded and smelt like.  Admittedly, it was not enough but for the short while it was really pouring, puddles formed and it was a welcome sight indeed.  Someone suggested it was eight weeks since rain last fell but I am sure there was an overnight series of showers a few days ago that woke us up. Mind you eight weeks feels about right as we have had an exceptional summer once again.

I like the doom mongering but really we weren't using standpipes and anywhere near the 1976 summer even though our media still thinks its global warming and climate change.  A few years ago we suffered the wettest summer ever and now the driest and so on.  If we get thirty years of red hot summers and very mild winters then you'd probably make a case for it, 30 years is how "climate" can be determined after all.

Talking of waking up I managed to wake just the once overnight and up about an hour before "normal" which I am quite pleased about given I had a couple of car naps during the day.

Annoyed that one of my servers is showing it needs a new HDD - they aren't cheap and I'll have to get one ordered so I can change it when I get back from visiting my mum.

I managed to keep the thoughts out of my head overnight and so far this morning.  The insect bites are receding and my aching shoulder / neck appears to be just a distant throb after treating with some deep heat overnight.

 Today holds, perhaps, a better "head" day and I can attempt to get something (anything) done.  Yesterday was planning the short trip away occupying my planning and risk management skills :-) Today?  I'm not sure yet, I will tackle that in a short while and see where we go with it.  

The Battle Rages In My Head

 Soon, I will be clear of the Business ties and the woes that went with that.  You go from one extreme to the other a happy going concern and then human self destructive tendencies take over.  The utter betrayal I felt then is still eating away at me but not so much as it did then and I realise now that I wasn't in control,  as I usually am, then and that I've let it go, done the right things but it leaves a sour taste as to yet another person using me.  It should have stopped way back when I had the opportunity to do so.

That it didn't is just the way it is.  I cannot change history but neither can I get rid of the "being used" aftertaste either.  At the moment I am running an internal battle and I know that I shouldn't be doing that but it is very difficult to stop it going on.  When I do manage that, all is well.

These demons are self made, not real and part of me that are not allowing me to move on.  Sure, they are less than they were a few weeks ago but they are still there and still giving me disturbed nights (and days if I'm honest about it).  By that I mean they need to be fought and most probably by the very same part of my head that is generating them, it's like a pair of squabbling kids in my head, one is doom and gloom and self loathing and ugly and disruptive, the other is calm and logical and peaceful.  One comes up with objections and nasty thoughts and the other tackles these only for another thought to emerge as each bad thought is defeated.

An ongoing cycle and one that I win occasionally.  I know that all of this isn't necessary and that I can do something about it but it takes a lot of effort to continuously fight this.  Now I do not have the very real distraction of work to concentrate my mind on, the space left has been invaded by this civil war in my head.  I can clear it for minutes, hours, days at a time but the bad thoughts come back to haunt me and with that the spiral recommences and manifests itself as it does both internally and externally.  

I am working on getting out of it but it is whether I can be disciplined to do it.  A good excuse has been the weather of late too hot to do anything physical or trying to work in the office.  As the summer slowly abates, the nights draw in, I need to actually do things and achieve them but more than that, I need to get rid of these thoughts and banish them where they belong.  They are almost without exception negative and cruel and they should have no place in my head at all.  Who knew that retirement would bring all of this to the surface once again.  Of course, I have beaten this in the past and I will do so again.  

Once you've beaten it, keeping it away from returning is the next thing as I don't want to feel like this again it is so destructive. 

 

My Mind Works In A Most Mysterious Way Sometimes

 I think I probably documented it somewhere here around 13 or 14 years ago I'd guess, I had my lovely X-Type Jaguar in for an MOT (roadworthy testing) and they'd told me that the offside rear wheel tyre needed changing as it had got the beginnings of perishing on the inner wall.

I took it to my trustworthy tyre man and he jacked the car up and took a look and said no, everything was alright.  A bit perplexed I went home and at 3 in the morning I woke up and said, that wasn't the offside that was the nearside he looked at.  It was amusing when I drove back in and said Id had a dream about him overnight, he gave me an old fashioned look but then I explained that he examined the nearside and not the offside and sure enough this time we found it and fixed it.

I realte this story because I recently sold some items on a site called NextDoor and the chap who came to buy them got the time wrong then when he arrived proceeded to show me his lag that he was having treatment for that made him a bit woosy and was one of the reasons he'd got the time wrong as he was on powerful antibiotics and painkillers. But here's the thing, he then said that his wing mirror had been hit in the lane - we live in a very narrow lane, and he showed me the wreckage held together with an elastic luggage tie.  I showed him where my car had been hit too and that I'd used eBay to source the parts.  He then said that his van side had been hit too.  He partially pleased poverty and we agreed to drop the price a little which I was expecting, it was priced for that.

I woke this morning and there it was again, it was his nearside mirror and bodywork that was affected so he'd have to have been driving on the wrong side of the road or hit something himself unless it was perhaps done whilst parked which he actually said he was driving and the other chap didn't stop!  So we can draw some conclusions from that - perhaps he'd been driving on the wrong side of our lane - possible I suppose, he actually hit something when avoiding a car or van coming down the lane as it was nearside he probably hit something in the hedgerow or one of the posts?  There's no way he could have driven normally and lost his nearside mirror otherwise. 

It takes me a while but suddenly these details click together and so my mind must have been trying to work out that there was something obviously wrong and the impact on the wrong side was obviously giving my head a problem.  Sorted now.... 

Never Easy The Ups and Downs Continue

 Sleep continues to be hit and miss.  I had been up early for our grandson's days with us and so that's OK.  He went out with his Granny and I stayed back at the hose, sat down and promptly had a few dozes.  Out of nowhere boom, asleep.  This morning I am up just before 6 with OH getting up and waking me and I was suddenly wide awake and could not switch off.  It had also been a little more humid and warm than I thought and so that didn't help.

What was nice was to come down and after hearing the rain during the night smell the freshness of the rain as I opened the door.  We haven't had any meaningful rain in weeks, perhaps months and so this is welcome.  It's not a lot but it really doe feel good.

Both of us are covered in insect bites that are pretty nasty requiring plenty of cream and histamine (or is it anti histamine) tablets to tackle the itching and the way the body has responded to the bites, angry raised heads and large red patches!

I'll get out  today to the local shops and do some house keeping returning goods. perhaps I will get a little shopping in as well whilst I am there.  It will be nice going out in a bearable temperature perhaps as much as 15C lower then this time last week.  

I must though work on my sleep.  I dislike sleeping pills.  I've had them when in Hospital but the drowsiness meant I've steered clear ever since.  I doubt that is the answer and I think the heat and being inactive don't help as I haven't been working either with my mind or my body.  Maybe something to investigate as I struggle with retirement and no longer working mentally on the business side of things?

Sleep, Mood And General Update

 I cannot say that I am a lot better than I was but certainly nowhere near as bad as I was a few weeks ago.  Have my new glasses made a difference?  Probably as I can now see and read again but getting used to the new prescription in terms of close work and reading is taking a bit of time.

I managed to sleep through to the alarm this morning albeit it was an early alarm for looking after grandson.  However, not to be scoffed at as I managed just to wake once and got back to sleep with 15 minutes I'd say.  So an improvement.  The heat of the past few weeks / months has gone and we are back to around 25C which is actually quite comfortable and it looks as if we will have a few wet days to come which will actually be an interesting phenomenon as we have had (as far as I know) just the one or two showers in the past 6 to 8 weeks.  The humidity will also come down I understand so that too will be welcome. 

I am still up and down though and need to work on that and my shaking hand which is worrying.  I noticed it last year but apparently it's nothing to worry about, just old age!

I can probably also get back indoors and tidy my desk up too which really needs some TLC.  The heat has made it only possible to be in here in the early morning really.  So I am feeling a bit better but now need to "pull myself together" as the phrase goes. 

Whew - Temperature Down, Humidity Up

 It is early around 6 in the morning and I managed to sleep through which is great.  It's misty outside and very humid indoors but hopefully much cooler when I ope up the house. 

I have a journey to do soon to drop OH and her friend off to a railway station and then go on to see my mum.  It was kind of dropped on me but let's see if the visitor's room is available?  If it isn't it could be costly!

 I'm feeling OK today, a little nostalgic as someone posted a photo and in it are my old flat mate and some other friends and my friend's wife.  She and I were platonic friends and I have a lovely photo of her and I atop the Eiffel Tower in our late youth or early twenties.  Funny how you drift away over the years.  We have reconnected on Facebook which is nice.

I suppose with all my head weirdness going on at the moment it reignites memories of those days and I am not certain if that is actually helpful or not?  Be that as it may it was lovely to see a photo of her in particular and perhaps the true feelings I had for her surfaced for a moment.  In my imagination I dreamt that we met and she looked at me closely in the eyes and asked "How long?" (had I held these feelings) and I responded "All of my life" - not known for my sentimentality it surprised me that I thought that and yet I can apply it to three of my close (girl) friends.  I am still in touch with them all.  We were good friends back then but they were in other relationships.  I'd known them all from school and hung around with them - I was also very quiet and shy back then.

Anyway, nostalgia indeed. It could have all turned out differently as they say.  

Well Hopefully The Last Of The Hot Nights

 Hot nights means a different thing these days.  It was hot and my cooler did well to keep blowing cold air last night.  Not A/C which, perhaps, we should invest in  

The Government used the alert system on lots of peoples phones yesterday scaring a lot of them.  I turned mine off when they first suggested it so I only heard it on the live Cricket commentary going off with the commentators and also the crowd.

Were they warning about invasion or some such?  No they were telling everyone it is hot and to not use disposable BBQs.  Socialism.  Agreed though that people have always been terminally stupid when it comes to such things.  The country is a tinderbox at the moment and so leaving a BBQ unattended or having a bonfire and not expecting the sparks to set something alight are in the gift of the stupid.

Up a little early but not too bad and I hope that we soon will return to a relatively normal weather pastern.

Here is something that was posted yesterday about the 1976 heatwave. I remember some of it but the mind seems to forget some of the details.  The invasion of Ladybirds I remember well as I was working in an air intake area for a large bank and so nice and cool as the air came into the building but of course, the ladybirds came in with it.  Ladybirds means something quite different these days LOL.  

1976 - Hot As You Like!!! 

 - 

Aches & Pains But Nowt Broken - Lucky

 Yes, lucky as I didn't have any control over the fall and so it's mainly light bruises, scrapes and slightly pulled muscles!  Add to that the hottest day of the year so far we recorded 37 C here and it was a strange old day.  I got bitten again by some Gnat/Mozzie or whatever but my poor OH has been bitten multiple times and had to get to the pharmacist to get something for it.  She won't let me spray a few of the rooms for her.

The cooler works nicely in this weather but I am considering A/C again, they are all sold out of course :-) The one I'd like is not available at the moment but perhaps it is an Autumn project rather than trying to do it now?

Another hot day on the cards today and I am up about an hour early this morning, woke just once and slept through which is pretty good even in this heat.

Feeling OK about things at present. It's too hot to actually do anything.  Changing the bed sheets was a relay with OH stripping the bed and me making it late in the evening.  As we live in the pitched roof the heat can really build up! 

Lots of deliveries delayed from yesterday and Wednesday too which will hopefully arrive today for a few projects.  Keeping busy is helping but the heat isn't helping of course!   

Falling Over - Lucky Not To Have Broken Something I guess

 So yesterday was the day we tackled the Wisteria that had grown rampant and invaded our roof, blocking light from the windows and I managed to get up the steps and pull it down then clip it as best as I could.  Getting some sort of insect bite for my troubles to add to the other recent ones!  Right on my side just above the waistline.

The steps were a little rickety but I wasn't taking any chances with them and did everything in as safe a manner as I could.  I got inside and cooked by breakfast/lunch on'y for my chair to collapse and throw me backwards as the left leg collapsed.  I didn't break anything apart from the chair and it did hurt - a scrape across my arm and this morning of course, aching legs and arms, left shoulder and collarbone feel bruised and my waist feels like I've done something to that as well.  At least I didn't break anything I guess.

An evening interrupted by the eclipse and many people in the field next to us watching it - it started around 6 pm so the sun was low in the sky anyway and we were lucky in as much as we have a Balcony so could see it longer.  Some idiot had his dog off the lead in a field full of sheep!  What is wrong with people?  Luckily he managed to call it back and with the risks of wildfires raised through the drought managed to have a smoke (or it looked like it it may have been a vape).  Sometimes you wonder how people like that managed to live into adulthood?  We've lost our connection to common sense.

Up a little early around 6 and my daughter travelling abroad received our electronic cards for her birthday. She is on a world wide trip and is currently working her way through Canada down to the USA.  

It is going to be very hot today up in the high 30s and so that is going to take some getting used to.  I've been hotter when I was in France many years ago and Spain too but this is exceptional for the UK I have to say and indeed the whole of Europe.  What it does do, if expose the media for their doom mongering, catastrophic headlines, but I suppose if they were to change their click bait, headline grabbing and, let's face it, money making narrative, they'd go out of business.  I doubt any of them would make money if they were to only report good news?

I need to get off to somewhere a little cooler than my office for sure.  I'm aching all over the place at the moment too which makes me go ouch whenever I climb or descend the stairs or sit or get up!  Poor old bloke!  But at least nothing is broken.   

Leg Cramp - That Got My Attention

 I don't know why as I haven't had leg cramp for a while at least not as ferocious as this morning's.  But I suppose it was a warm night and the cooler was blowing on me plus I took my Magnesium and Potassium late just before bed maybe?  Who knows?  It certainly got my attention and it's the sort of one that reminds you for some hours that you've had it.  As I say it has been a long time since that has happened.

Sleep was very good only waking once during the night and managing to get back to sleep reasonably quickly and of course woken about 30 minutes earlier than normal with the cramp in my lower calf muscle!

It is very warm and today has a potential to be in the 30 C region.  I think we are now used to it which of course if what you'd expect.  The newspapers and media in general of course think the world is suffering record this or that, on fire, boiling and so on.  A review through the archives will tell you it is no such thing but they have to sell papers and advertising and selling doom and gloom is their primary raison d'etre after all.  At least it isn't an Omega blocking so that's good.  It does curtail outdoor projects though and so I am stuck inside or do work, as this morning, before the heat builds.  Work required to stop the Wisteria taking over the roof of my house! 

I'm feeling a lot better but still have to combat these stupid voices in my head which as long as I catch them, can be controlled before they spread and do damage.  It's not falling for them that's the way forward. I am also limiting how much"news" I consume.  Much as I like some programmes I am avoiding them as all the news is downbeat and bad.  That just makes my mood bad too.  

 

A Little Better Sleep Gradually Getting There

 A good night's sleep and up just gone 6 so that is a bit better than it has been.  It's still not quite where it was and my head is still full of rubbish and problems that aren't but I am controlling those now.

The weather doesn't help as it is so hot that physical work really is difficult and sapping so confined to small chores leaves me a little frustrated but accepting this inevitable slow down in activity is a difficult thing to do.  Ageing, retirement, loss of purpose and the like are taking some getting used to for sure.  

I kind of hate it at the moment as you start to lose what you thought made you you if that makes sense?  You have to roll with these I guess?  Difficult as I'd thought I'd recovered from the major changes in my life and here I am again, more changes, things not in my control again too.

Of course, some things are in my control though, it is finding what they are and making the change to those that is necessary.

Life feels unbalanced and I flip flop between being OK with it and not.  My mind is not helping either and even now the pain body and ego are trying to make me miserable which I am fighting.  Knowing this is good I suppose?  They need to be suppressed as much as possible or identified and stopped before they do more damage over imagined problems.

A Short Break With Mixed Results

 So I organised a short break which went OK ish I suppose.  One of the main improvements was my sleep which, after a bit of a wobble to start with, has improved.  I really didn't want to go but we went anyway and after some confusion about what room we were in, we ended up in the room I'd booked (apparently) and there was something that I obviously didn't like about it and I guess it was because it wasn't as bright as the room that we had first gone in because they had lost the key!  It was a little dark and it somehow just slightly freaked me out - but it was OK in the end.

We went out for a meal at the local pub and walked along the coast and so when we arrived back at the Hotel I was a little strange about going to bed but setting a fan up (it's been very hot these past few months), I slept through with just one interruption.  That has continued up until this morning.  Slept through until the alarm went but I'm up early this morning as OH is going out and so 45 minutes earlier than normal and just a few minor interruptions.

It may not seem a lot but it is a result.  Let's hope it continues as it makes a big difference to my state of mind at the moment.  I still had a few anxiety attacks especially on the last day when I heard a few more residents in the Hotel and suddenly I had to get out of the room and go and stand outside for a while.

So I am feeling a lot better for going away for a few days.  Let me see how I progress this week.  Once again though, it is so hot as to make doing anything physical quite difficult.  

I Cannot Be Ars*d To Do What I Know I Should Do

 I suppose retirement allows you not to do something as well as allowing you to just ignore chores!  Sometimes though I just cannot bring myself around to doing what I should do..

It seems the height of laziness but honestly in the heat we've been having it really is too oppressive to work.  

Talking of heat it was really hot yesterday and I took myself on a 45 minutes (each way) walk to get my new glasses.  They are really good but took a lot of getting  used to as my prescription has changed a lot.  It did feel strange walking back with them on.  I really felt it when I got home and needed a long sit down.

Getting used to the glasses was strange, things looked quite different but this morning they lare working a treat.  The bad news is that overnight I have been bitten (again) and this time it is right on my knuckles causing one of my fingers to swell.  I've put some cream on and will take a histamine (or is it anti histamine) and see if that solves the swelling. Being on the knuckle every time you bend your finger it is painful.

That's all for now, we are off for a few days and hopefully it will improve my demeanour.

Not Quite Right - Am I Expecting Anyone To Notice

 Only my OH knows that I'm having these troubles and she was "surprised" this morning when I said I wasn't really feeling great about things as we woke up early from another hot night's sleep.  I think that we are getting accustomed to sleeping during this heatwave but we were up about an hour early. 

Of course I'm dealing with this alone but via this blog and I tell my OH some but not all, holding back in case I let out too much at once.  That's also a problem because there are many things going on but whether or not it is the root cause(s) remains to be seen.  The "thoughts" are so wide and varied as to defy any real logic and I tend to be careful about what I say and when.

My mother sort of gets my changing circumstances but I'm not overloading her with the issues I am trying to address.  Another friend passed away a few days ago and I'm drawn back to the contemplation of mortality too.  

Anyway, it's the grandson's birthday today so we will be having a bit of fun later and I am taking them away for a few days so you may not hear from me for a few days which will hopefully be good for your health too :-) 

Working Through It

 Someone I know (a bit) has posted on Facebook that they've had mental health problems and are diagnosed and receiving treatment etc.  I'm not sure if that would work for me but hey, I do this blog right?  

My problems are a little more temperamental they come and go and I pretty much understand why but I cannot always tackle them in a meaningful way and then they go away and then return and it's all very annoying. I think I need to get out more and I need to build my post retirement life.  There's other stuff too and I am not sure how I tackle that at the moment.  Perhaps a bit of counselling might be the answer whereas anti-depressants I am not so sure about.  I know my father had them and I've only had a very short course 20 years ago when I was going to see the specialist about my suspected Bladder Cancer.  I needed them to get through the door!

I always felt that the aftershocks of the diagnosis and the treatment were a type of PTSD as you are treated for the cancer in a matter of fact way but not for the impact it has on your mind.  Looking way back you can see that it did have an impact and it was quite big I'd say.  I wonder if this is also a recurrence of that?

A View Along The Lane Away From The House

View Towards The Oast Houses And Barns

With My Back Towards The House.  Looking Across the Lane Towards The Fields And Woods

You Never Know What You Will Find.  Here A Seat With A Hole In It And A Hoop Earing

The View Toward The House Across The Sheep Field

Two minutes from my house is this area.  There are similar areas all within Ten minutes and I have been making myself walk out and just be quiet in them.  This is the footpath that leads from the little enclave of houses in our road down to the big field and then through the woods and leads to a farm.  The other is a field of small trees, Oak and the like which you can just walk into along a footpath and just stand in the middle of.  I am trying to do this more often and walk for further each time.  I need to appreciate where I live more.  It is right in the middle of this countryside.  I posted this on Instagram with Sting's Fields of gold playing.  

It's part of feeling better about myself and reconnecting.  This retirement malarkey has got me down for sure.  The house too and it is in my hands to dig my way out and enjoy it whilst I can.