Working Through It

 Someone I know (a bit) has posted on Facebook that they've had mental health problems and are diagnosed and receiving treatment etc.  I'm not sure if that would work for me but hey, I do this blog right?  

My problems are a little more temperamental they come and go and I pretty much understand why but I cannot always tackle them in a meaningful way and then they go away and then return and it's all very annoying. I think I need to get out more and I need to build my post retirement life.  There's other stuff too and I am not sure how I tackle that at the moment.  Perhaps a bit of counselling might be the answer whereas anti-depressants I am not so sure about.  I know my father had them and I've only had a very short course 20 years ago when I was going to see the specialist about my suspected Bladder Cancer.  I needed them to get through the door!

I always felt that the aftershocks of the diagnosis and the treatment were a type of PTSD as you are treated for the cancer in a matter of fact way but not for the impact it has on your mind.  Looking way back you can see that it did have an impact and it was quite big I'd say.  I wonder if this is also a recurrence of that?

Two minutes from my house is this area.  There are similar areas all within Ten minutes and I have been making myself walk out and just be quiet in them.  This is the footpath that leads from the little enclave of houses in our road down to the big field and then through the woods and leads to a farm.  The other is a field of small trees, Oak and the like which you can just walk into along a footpath and just stand in the middle of.  I am trying to do this more often and walk for further each time.  I need to appreciate where I live more.  It is right in the middle of this countryside.  I posted this on Instagram with Sting's Fields of gold playing.  

It's part of feeling better about myself and reconnecting.  This retirement malarkey has got me down for sure.  The house too and it is in my hands to dig my way out and enjoy it whilst I can.

Two Steps Back

 Do you ever feel that?  I was doing well and then out of nowhere, awake at silly O'Clock and whilst I managed to doze a bit my OH got up and was moving about and finally around 5:20 my knee gave me some jip and I got up and came downstairs angry with myself for not trying harder to get back to sleep.

I want to go away for a few days for our grandson's birthday and I've lined it up awaiting agreement this morning and now, I don't want to go.  Silly reasons, I cannot drive at the moment so I am not in control (I guess), the heat overnight but this is on the coast where it is cooler, claustrophobia in a car with no A/C - first world problems eh?  

Yesterday I found out one of my Lodge friends died, just 75 after having been ill for some time.  He had been ill, recovered and suddenly relapsed, bless him.  Additionally 3 of our widows (of members) also passed in the last week!  That hasn't lifted my mood much either.  I go from OK to over thinking in phases and perhaps two or three times a day.  Now, I'm fine, half an hour ago I was in dread and worried.  You know that you cannot worry about something that hasn't happened and when you apply that logic it goes away.

My mind hovers as well, it drops the "I don't want to be here" idea into everyday and I then have to dig my way out of that.  It's just the ego and pain body, I know that but it is so destructive I find.  It's not even real but it takes over and it only needs an unguarded moment and your sleep will not come and the worry and bad thoughts kick in and of course, that's what the pain body wants.  It makes me lethargic in mind and body.  

Try as I might, this hot weather makes it difficult to work outside (and in) much as I think that would help me.  My new glasses cannot come soon enough as I am struggling with my eyesight and I'm not allowed to drive using my old prescription.  It's lucky that I went and got checked out albeit the oncoming cataract doesn't fill me with joy.  I guess it will be what it will be and I'm told it's a routine procedure.  

So there we have it.  The ups and downs of my life as it is at the moment.  Lots of reasons and I just need to work through it all.  Therapy might be a way forward and yet I know that I already know where I am but perhaps getting away from self diagnosis and running a short course might do the trick.  There's a fight going on in my head too that kind of knows what to do but is too damn lazy to do it.  Good versus evil LOL.  

Up Early Again - Last Of The Hot Nights?

 I hope so, sleeping is generally OK again, going to sleep that is, but my knee started playing up at around 5:40 and I had to get up - blowing cold air on your body overnight doesn't agree with it obviously.

I feel slightly as if I have taken a backward step this morning but I can deal with that I think.  The pain body certainly likes to give some jip.  

It is certainly a matter of tackling the negative thoughts and working on the good things. Let's see how the day goes - it is much cooler outside and so that is a start.

A Hot Night - Acclimatised?

 I wonder if we acclimatise to these periods of heat - I don't recollect 1976 doing anything other than going to and from work earlier/later, no A/C on trains and the like.  the summer was hot as you like and I went on holiday with my mates - the first holiday away from my parents.  It was regular to see the tar bubbling on the road but I don't recall it as being unbearable.

Recently the humidity soared and that did make it difficult whereas overnight I set the evaporation cooler up and let it do its thing on its lowest settings but added the ice packs to the reservoir. Apart from my knee which was giving me jip at around 5 all was OK.  So I wonder if you just get used to it.  As always, our elders and betters interference means our houses are fit for winter but not for summer.  Is there anything these arsehole politicians do that is good?  They interfere with our lives and remind me of my old bosses who would come up with great ideas that we'd suggest actually weren't, implement them and wonder why production fell off a cliff almost overnight!  

Talking of politicians, this new bloke looks paper thin on practical policies and whilst they may have ideas on moving forward, if you haven't sorted out the foundations then you are going to have a fall.  A massive house of cards, nothing is really cohesive and the damage is being done as the smart money moves out of the country and once gone they may not return.  If you've got the money then you can move around to suit.  The politics of envy and the increasing tax burdens and the Laffer Curve are well known but not by Socialist and Liberals who think higher taxes will solve everything despite all the data and evidence showing that they don't! 

Some of the chancers we have coming into high office must make us a laughing stock on the world stage.  Uneducated, unaware of their own brief, dyed hair, confused about how many "genders" there are and whether a man is a woman and vice versa leads to concern that the patients have taken over running the asylum.  From what I have seen this past 2 weeks, this bloke hasn't a clue and looks weak on the world stage, he's doing as much damage as Rachel (from Accounts) Reeves did with all the conjecture and misinformation wiping millions off the economy from saying the wrong things and the wrong time. The markets are moving and rightly so.  All I can do is the normal of grabbing the popcorn and settling back to watch this latest disaster movie, one made without CGI or AI involvement :-)

These Changes In Mood Are Tiresome

 To say these moods are tiresome probably underestimates the last year and the last few months I'd say.  The problem is that you can look back and wonder what caused the problem in the first place and what happened to change it back?

Don't get me wrong though, I am still not through this but it is getting easier to deal with it and to control (for now).  I slept well last night despite it being another very hot humid night.  I woke near 6 and managed to get a further 1 hour 30 after the customary trip to the bathroom.

Some thought came into my head but I actually changed my thought to something nice and that banished the dodgy thoughts altogether.  Having my grandson for the past 4 days was a little "testing" but he's not really that much trouble and he turns 7 next week.  

Back to tiresome and the frustration is that this has evaporated away and all the pain and anguish it caused disappear along with it but they were there.  They aren't real either, the thoughts aren't real as they are all in your head and you cannot do anything about them anyway.  I cannot stop getting old for example nor can I fight that process or do anything about it - other than the usual mitigating things, keeping well and fit etc.  I wanted, or rather I went through the process of thinking about leaving it all, walking away, having done with it, not wanting to be left on this earth and that set of thoughts were there but treated as part of an analysis whiteboard mindmap if you will. I've been there before, first real love affair ending, cancer diagnosis, divorce and now.  None of these things are actually that bad or bad enough to even momentarily consider that course of action.

The current situation and the utter baggage it brings along need to be dealt with - the claustrophobia perhaps more so than other things.  I'm back to where I was deciding to leave my Ex some 15 years ago.  My mind is planning, plotting, analysing, testing, what-if scenario building and tearing down.  It's all to do with my future and suddenly losing the "purpose" of my life which was work and business and it has left a gaping hole.  That hole is very dark and I cannot see what is in it and so the certainty that an INTJ thrives on is of no use to me at the moment to work out what to do.  

What has happened is that the initial (Kubler Ross type) things are happening:

Shock / Denial: Initial disbelief, numbness, or refusal to believe the change is happening.

Anger / Frustration: Annoyed or resentful feelings as reality sets in, often blaming leadership or the situation.

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or find trade-offs to avoid the full impact or return to the past.

Depression / Low Mood: A low point of sadness, confusion, and lowered motivation or performance.

Acceptance / Integration: Coming to terms with the new reality, testing new behaviours, and moving forward constructively

So I'm at the last phase now and it's been ugly and nasty going through the previous phases.  The bad news being that you can slip back at anytime into the former phases.  I used to "Manage Change" as it was my job.  I find, like a lot of people, that I managed massive global projects and know about all this but cannot turn it around to manage myself.  

Physician heal thyself comes to mind.  

Actually Woken By The Alarm

 Sleep seems to be returning to 'normal' and the head full of thoughts is so much better as those thoughts are distant things.  It is annoying that they were there in the first place.

The heat has returned and so for a day or two it will be limiting what I want to do outside and so I'll just have to limit activity for a while.  Good thing with these insect bites which are nasty, itchy things.  Histamines and cream to the rescue for a little bit of respite I guess.

Things feel a lot better and I am calmer for now which is also good.  Long may that continue. 

Dawn's Early Light

 Well, that was good, I slept through until 5:45 no interruptions, no head stuff and as I needed to be up early anyway (I was around 20 minutes before my target waking time) it all worked out well.  That's great and it really is a step in the right direction knowing it can be done.

Now to build on that going forward.  Grandson will be here shortly and another day of having him here will begin.  The weekend was "disruptive" I guess you'd say but in a nice way.  I wish they'd tell me in advance though.

Oh well let's see how we get on.  A week ago I was at my mum's and getting ready to go to the local children's petting farm.  A great day out BTW with her grandchildren and great grandchildren (my daughter, son-in-law and her children).  

OK, on with my day......

Early Mornings

 I ended up sleeping downstairs in my chair (I bought it 20 years ago as a recovery aid) as my grandson announced he wanted to sleep upstairs not downstairs and so that's how we arranged it.  It was OK, I only woke twice and somewhere there's a Mosquito that announced itself on both occasions and just now when I woke up.  That was around 5:30 as someone rode their Horse past the house.

It's now around 6:30 about an hour on and whilst I am certain that I dozed after the horse event it is lighter and so time to get up and treat the couple of bites on my neck and elbow!   I like seeing my grandson but announcing at tea time that he is staying over is annoying and the to lose my bed in the process is annoying but I could see he didn't want to sleep downstairs and he asked nicely.  It isn't that but the lack of asking me first that is upsetting and I need to have words.  If I know, then I can deal with it.

Coming to terms with my change in eye sight is next on my agenda - the difference is marked and I was pretty disturbed to see I could barely see anything without the new prescription in one eye.  They've both changed markedly but some age related stuff including the Cataract on its way but so far no Macular Degeneration at this time.  I am taking Lutein & Zeaxanthin with BioPerine (Black Pepper) supplement for my eyes.  

I imagine that I will have to adjust to these glasses a lot as the prescription shows a large change and I know how bad my eyesight is now and the correction will take some getting used to!

Retirement - No Plan - No Purpose - And Me A Programme Manager!

 It's hard to take for me, that the one thing during all that hard work and anguish with the business was I didn't plan to be retired - I wasn't expecting it at all as I thought I'd still be working and could work out an Exit Plan and then retire.

Little did I know how quickly things would come to a head and I was so busy doing all that was needed that it passed me by how busy I was working on it and how suddenly everything changed.

Twenty years ago, things changed in a flash, I went from being a 'normal' person working away, finally in my dream job and along came Bladder Cancer to disrupt that.  The ripples of that disruption exist to today.  I should know I suppose, but who has plans that would have predicted that?  

So I am wobbling through this period of my life and making the best of a bad job really.  Rudderless and blown this way and that by the winds is not a place I like to be.  My hobbies, such as they were, are not really of any interest at the moment.  I have "things" that just lie around and need to go.  Lots of IT equipment that in reality isn't needed anymore and I need to just get rid of.  It's a little too hot to work on all of that although I have done a little bit and sold some bits.  The other stuff can wait until I commit to documenting and selling it.

Additionally with my eyesight now requiring correcting it's best to wait until my new spectacles arrive and I get used to them, the change is quite noticeable and the cataract that has caused it will need to be addressed at some point in time too.

At least I am sleeping a bit better, my mind is a lot emptier and I intend to work on my health and my head in particular.  I don't want to fear growing old but seeing my mother at age 89 struggling with her mobility is a concern.  Oh well, at least I am not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did so I'm out of the morbid state and I hope climbing out of that trough I was in.  I really do not want to go back and re-visit it, it was a nasty, dark and frightening place for sure.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

 It was twenty years ago today,
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style,
But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you the act you’ve known for all these years?
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Well not quite.  It was on a very hot day that I went with my then wife to the Hospital to have the operation that probably saved my life.  Diagnosed on the Friday I was on the list on Monday and I went to the hospital and waited almost all day until they got me in.  Nil By Mouth and I was a bit dehydrated by the time they finally saw me.

People tell you how hot it is at the moment but it was just as hot and they (my wife and family) brought in a fan from home to blow over me as I was recovering from the operation.  Trapped in bed wired up was not pleasant especially as they built the hospital without AC!  Anyway, 20 years already, it hardly seems believable.

In other news, I've been noticing something strange with my eyesight for perhaps 3 or 4 months I guess but becoming noticeable over the last 4 weeks.  I managed to get to my optician as they had a spare appointment and blow me down, my vision has changed massively in the 18 months since I was last there.  The biggest change in all the years and I'm barely at the legal limit for driving!!!  So I won't be doing that until I get my new glasses which, apparently, will be quite a change as I now have long and nearsightedness.  I'll be looking it up shortly to see what that all means other than it is a massive shift.  A cataract is forming too.  The joys of getting old.

I'll have to monitor all of that then!

Anyway the main thing is that Bladder Cancer, in my case caught early albeit borderline late is survivable and is treatable.  Glad to still be here :-) 

A Less Heavy, Clear Mind

 Despite the fact that my mum is visibly looking older and struggling with her legs, her knees in particular which upset me greatly, it should come as a bit of a surprise that my mind was a lot clearer yesterday and this morning.  I managed to sleep reasonably well but was disturbed at 6 by OH and so I got up and came downstairs.

The heaviness in my head is almost gone and it somehow feels clear again.  Sure the thoughts are there but I think I can deal with them.  It's been a struggle I have to say but as long as I identify the bad thoughts and deal with them as soon as they arise then that's something.

I have a mixture of "problems" and so I intend to work on them as best I can.  Health and fitness need to be part of the approach as I notice that I am not eating properly which means I'm out of condition too and part of me feels old and worn out so I need to look after myself and to take care of my physical and mental well-being.  

The heat has subsided and so that allows me to get out and do some work which also means that I can 'get things done' which again should help.

I'm left with two impressions after returning from my mum's and that's I need to just start to adjust to being old but not turning into someone old (doesn't make sense I know) and that I need to treasure each day and get out of this current rut and don't slip back.  Easier said than done.

So it is also a bad time of year of course.  It will be 20 years tomorrow that my first Bladder Cancer operation will have happened.  Interesting journey since.  

Mixed Emotions - Strange Times

 So I was at my mum's and on the first night her wheelchair arrived and it's got a joy stick control - it's a mid level model I guess.  Mum's never used a joystick before so was over compensating when steering!  She then hit the go faster button and went off the edge of the pavement and dropped to the road from the curb stone but I was there and sorted that out - she then over did the camber at the drop curb and speedded up rather than just letting go of the joystick.  So going to the farm the next day she only used the wheel chair as a support to wheel around in but I got her to drive from the car park at her place to her room. 

She has very low confidence and "can't do it" and "it's too sensitive" and so hopefully she will get the hang of it - surely it is more difficult than the mobility scooter which, once again she was frightened to use in case she damaged anything!  

I found her much worse than before and her standing and walking are really impaired albeit we did manage to get around at the Farm and at the Shops but it took some convincing.  The trouble is her legs want to give way (at the knees) not when she is standing upright but as she tries to put on shoes or get up to her walking frame.

So I was very upset when I saw this but my grand children, my daughter and son-in-law were up for a few days which was great as the got to see their great grandmother and she got to see one of her grandchildren and her great grandchildren too so spirits lifted on two days with that.

Me?  Mixed emotions as I thought I'd be in bits when I got home but actually I'm OK, worryingly so, steady, no head noise and feeling settled about it for now.  Long may that continue.  I think though I have a long way to go as I am seriously worried about my mother and have given her instructions to discuss this knee weakness with the Doctor and team - I think a brace would do the trick as she is (they think) too old for a replacement knee (s) which is probably what she needs! 

Let us see how things go I suppose. 

Slightly Better Night

 I managed to mostly clear my mind but then had to get up as my OH heard rustlings outside so armed with a torch I went and checked.  Probably just a roosting bird or something in the hedgerow.  I managed to get to sleep OK and woke twice but managed to go back to sleep or enter that sleep where you think you've been awake a long time but you were more than likely asleep.  Anyway, here we are. 

The "thoughts" are with me and I need to deal with them somehow albeit they aren't as bad as they were, it is still noticeable that I now find myself dipping into this depressed state a couple of times a day and I need to deal with that.  Doing something seems to help but this oppressive heat does make it difficult although I did put up the flower arches yesterday but the ground is like a rock - anyway hopefully they'll settle in and we can grow some climbers up and over them.

I think I am still affected by the closure of the business and I checked that the Notice has been published in the Gazette which it has.  It still affects me how I was treated and there's a sort of background fear that it might all kick off again although what that might be about I have no idea as I have returned all the IP to him anyway.  It plays on my mind.

The weight of the world does too but I can do little about that but my mind hasn't worked out that I have little power to change or influence these things and it is going to have to take its course and it will be what it will be.  All the doom and gloom peddled by the MSM is bad enough and they want you to pay for it too!

Off to my mum's for a few days so hopefully a few days away will ease my spirits - I do hope so.

I suppose that I am a bit better than I was a few weeks ago, it's taking its time to heal - hopefully with the weather calming down a bit I'll be able to do some tidying up and some outside projects, get a few walks in and gradually improve my head space. 

Sleep - The Struggle To Dismiss Those Thoughts

 On reflection, sleep, even in these sticky high temperatures, is OK.  I serviced the cooling (evaporation) fan and it does its work well.  I'm getting about 7 hours sleep with perhaps 2 wakes during the night.  Those two are generally fine and I can just go back to sleep most of the time.  It's the waking around 5:45 to 6 that is proving difficult at the Cortisol kicks in and so I just get up and come down stairs, perhaps write this blog or wander around or sit and I can normally close my eyes and just let my mind go blank - not sure why I cannot do that in bed.

It is a little better at the moment as I am controlling the dark thoughts and getting on with things.  It is still way too hot to do any meaningful work though. As I understand it, the temperature from today is dropping to manageable levels.  Let's hope so.  I like it warm but the past few weeks and the previous heat waves have been exhausting.

These thoughts are problematic and to do with (I think) arriving in the world of retirement without a plan to be here.  My poor old INTJ brain really hadn't contemplated I'd be retired for at least another year and so this is all a bit of a shock to me.  My hobbies, such as they were, included playing Golf but I stopped that over 30 years ago wen my children were born.  I was never much of a one for exercise but I used to do a lot of walking and I need to get back to that but not in this heat.  I was heavily involved in a charity and enjoyed that but it was work work not a hobby.  

I enjoy genealogy and F! motor racing yet even that is having the shine taken off.  So there's nothing there at the moment. I no longer have the business to occupy my time and the weather has stopped me organizing the garage space and tackling the garden area.  

So there's empty space in my head and in my days and it is filled with awful thoughts and whilst I can catch those and control them eventually, they do mess with my equilibrium.  Mood swings and dark periods, stress, anger, close to tears sometimes too.  It's all a dark place not helped by the news, the politicians seemingly driving us over a cliff ruled by ideology rather than what's good for the people that put them in power.  That's going to end badly but nothing I can do so my 'control' is affected by seeing what's coming and being powerless to do much about it.

There's some light as I am managing 7 hours sleep a bit less than I am used to but can take the odd nap to catch up if needed.  It's the overcoming of the thoughts and working on my inner calm, my breathing, and trying to stop the thoughts which I know are causing this.  When I work on this and impose "The Now" I can have a good calm time.  It needs to last longer and I need to catch myself getting stressed and going down the dark hole earlier so I can overcome it.

I am better than I was a few weeks back and better than a few days back so the change in weather and the opportunities that will bring will be good.

I am off for a few days to see my mum and the grandchildren and my daughter and her husband will be around for a few days which will be excellent.   I am sure my spirits will lift being with them

Adjustment - Retirement - Purpose

 I am certainly struggling at the moment, no doubt about it and a lot has to do with having no plan or idea where I go from here.  My daughter is on a world trip taking a year out of work and good on her.  Suddenly I am left without the job/project/business and boom!  Retirement and I just never planned for it, it has arrived a bit earlier than I expected and whilst I had an exit plan for the business, it didn't include retirement planning as such.

Life is very strange at the moment for sure as I come to terms with stuff I hadn't realised was there and what to do with myself.  I've a list of chores a mile long but the weather has been oppressive and not conducive to the list of house maintenance projects.  

With a head full of negative thoughts, death, getting old and all sorts of destructive thoughts going on I am struggling to hold it all together but not all the time.  Yesterday was a chaos day and in between we went out to lunch (interrupted by a late delivery I had to rush back for) and I felt OK when we got back from that - I' interacted with people and so that was good.  Anyway there you have it.  I am away at the weekend up to see my mum, daughter, son-in-law and the grand-kids which will be great as my mum gets to see her great grandchildren.  I hope that will lift my spirits.

Having said that seeing my mum approaching her 90th year takes a toll on me as she slows down and needs time to get anywhere.

Up Early Again - Thoughts Creep In

 It is annoying that I managed to get back to sleep but then I woke up and could only fitfully sleep.  Counting backwards did help but these silly thoughts kept arising and that is what they are, silly and I just need to work on that.

Out today so perhaps that might help?  

The Weight Of The World

 Is the world a more dangerous and frightening place?  Is it worse now than it was when I was younger?  Well, yes and no.  I have time to reflect on the barrage of information both true, false, made up, downright propaganda and so on.  I probably took little notice when I was younger but recall only really Saturday and Sunday picking up a newspaper and reading it cover to cover.

Weekends were busy with working on the house and garden and doing all the things that were needed.  Now, not so much as retirement brings the weekend every day!

It matters to me all the ills and woes in the world, the utter stupidity and hypocrisy and the varied nonsense you read and listen to.  Things that make me angry include the loss of our impartiality and fairness our sense of good manners and fair play.  They've gone and then there's the utter blind reliance on "science" excess deaths in the heatwave were caused by, climate change, of course they were!  When the climate actually changes you'll know about it and weather variability, which is what this is, isn't to do with carbon FFS they don't even know what "carbon" they are talking about and that is where it all goes horribly wrong as they knee jerk changes in the name of the great God Carbon and not adapt to it, if indeed the 400 parts per million of CO2 has any direct affect on it.  They tell you  "The Oceans are boiling" have you ever seen that happening?  Given around 90% of planet is water what science have you got for that.  It has a lot to do with the climate but really, boiling??

Anyway this post is about how all this stuff drags me down and the continuous negative news and views is eating away at me so I have to give it up and do other things that isolate me from this constant day on day onslaught of bad news.  

The trouble is, it makes me lethargic and just makes it difficult to do anything useful.  The heat doesn't help and is a good excuse not to exert myself.  It's a difficult head fight at the moment as I think I know what the problem is but it is more than that it is the move from having an interest and a business to not having that anymore.  No purpose, nothing to look forward to (or moan about) and a future that doesn't show a blank canvas to me rather than age and death and that's not right.  

Enjoying my retirement is actually not at all enjoyable at the moment.  I need to get a grip on it and reset things.  It cannot go on like this and in little patches it doesn't.  I enjoyed going to my granddaughter's party yesterday but it was short-lived.  

It is a case of working through this stage, not easy I have to say but I am determined to do it.  

Here We Are, It's Monday Again

 Monday again, no work to go too and it's hot as you like still but nowhere near the heat of last week.  A reasonable night's sleep with just the two interruptions although not sure what the 3:40 awakening was about but it did give me the high speed thoughts about anything and everything but I managed to stop them and awoke just 10 minutes before the alarm.

I hope to go to see my mother in a weeks time - planning today to see if that can happen.  My daughter and the grand-kids will be going up to see her so I can tag along with that and save them transporting her from her flat to the farm where they like to go.

I just hope it isn't as hot wherever I am staying!  

Bonkers Day - Typical For Me Though

 My delivery did not arrive on Friday so I arranged to have it delivered Tuesday as I was going out on Saturday.  It was my granddaughter's birthday party and so I got myself all organized and cleaned the windscreen on my car and set off.  Well that was until I noticed that the butcher said they were on their way so I called and left a message stating that we had already agreed to deliver Tuesday.  With me so far?

I decided to set off a little earlier than planned and so left the house at 9:10 or thereabouts.   The Butcher arrived at 9:16!!!  Had I stayed behind and not set off I'd have my food and you never know I might have noticed something significant too......  The party is today not yesterday so I had driven all the way to the party location and hour away and wondered why it was not that busy there.  Interesting couple of hours driving which I will need to repeat shortly. 

As for the Butcher a few tetchy emails later and we are back on track for a Tuesday delivery rather than me having to go and collect it.

It was slightly less warm overnight and I managed to sleep until 6:45 so not too bad.  Still got these thoughts in my head but I am managing them.  They sweep in and out of my day and night and as long as I can identify them, I can control them a bit but it isn't easy.  Better than last week and gradually improving - working on it.  

Early Rising - It's All In Your Head Mr. Tweedy

 Chicken Run, a brilliant film and poor old Mr. Tweedy, the farmer, nagged by his wife and harassed by the Chickens.  His wife tells him "It's all in your head!" yet we know that the Chickens really are up to something.

My current problems are all in my head so to speak and with this heatwave making doing anything uncomfortable it doesn't help that my head is Catastrophising things going on around me.  Everywhere does appear gloom and doom and once again I find myself reflecting on such things.  The state of the economy and what on Earth these losers are going to come up with next and just the state of the world at the moment but I cannot fix them and worrying about them probably isn't helping either.

I was up early again this morning not massively so but just before 6 but it was a hot night again and suddenly I was awake.  We'd had some locals disturb us as they sat out and were being overly loud in conversation - it is surprising how far noise travels at night in the country but I don't imagine they realised.

Things play in my head and that needs to stop.  It used to happen many years ago and I got rid of it, just one night and I cleared all my past which was haunting me and I stopped all the analysis and self doubt.  In a way, that's back now but nowhere near as severe as before.  It's just unsettling and it isn't particularly good for me, I know.  So I am going to work on that and try to detach myself from social media as well as unsubscribing to all these emails.

I am going to have to work on it and sort it out.  

No Wonder There's Problems

 I am trying to give up my phone and PC/Tablet and switch my attention away.  It is only when you realise the way that your attention is being sought all the time that you realise how, for example, ADHD and similar problems manifest themselves.

My phone goes 'bing' and I look at the little screen to see what it is? It commands my attention and requires my feedback and interaction.   My emails demand attention and action (or do they) and I find myself using phone and PC to get things done but there is little or no substance to those things.

So I've been working slowly, to unsubscribe from emails - I think that it will help.  I try to (and fail miserably) to look at Facebook only once a day - this needs more practice as does glancing at Instagram albeit that might be the only way I might know where one of my daughters is in the world and what she might be up to.  She's on a year out going around the world bless her.

It's been hot by any standards and I managed to sleep with one (possibly two) interruptions overnight and slept past 7.  I have an early morning delivery arriving so I needed to be up but 7 is great.  I cleaned the air cooler which has meant it operates better and it certainly did work better as all the filters and the evaporation screen were cleaned out.  It is going to be a hot day again today and it really precludes me from sitting here doing anything on the PC.  It is too hot to do anything in the garden and so there's been a lot of sitting around doing little - that has and hasn't helped my head space.

I am feeling a lot better but my head drifts in and out of strange places - without over doing it I didn't want to be here (no not the suicide question for you SAMS out there) but I wasn't certain where I wanted to be.  I am still having the death and getting old stuff and it's because my purpose disappeared and I wasn't ready for it.  I had a plan if the business was successful and one if it wasn't which it turned out to be and there problem was that I'd got the exit plan sorted out and there was suddenly a vacuum in my day to day life and purpose and unlike me, I hadn't given any thought to the missing part.  I say unlike me as I am usually well planned but of course, this is now about me, not someone else or anything else and I didn't think that this would be something I'd need to consider as it is emotional and people orientated and as an INTJ I swear I'm more Vulcan than human :-) 

Another restful day with deliveries of food incoming and time to try and reflect on the good side of retirement.

That Was Hot One!

It feels like the hottest day this week already.  I got up at 5:45 mainly as I'd managed to make my hand numb by lying on it awkwardly and something woke me from outside the house.  A car, lorry or sheep/ As I say that the Dustmen have just arrived so it might be the previous ones who do the food caddy :-)

So I'm just working out how to get cool and sort myself out for today - it is so warm here in my office that I will probably end up elsewhere in the house or in the shade outside seeking relief.  It's a sit it out day today for sure.

But at least, I am not sitting in the strange head space I was in last week and indeed for many weeks.  There's a little going on in there but not as bad, not as self-destructive I'd say.  Without wishing my life away it will be good when the weather breaks a bit and I can get on and do some work or make some plans that don't involve keeping cool, making and using ice and running fans most of the day!

Despite The Heat - I Managed A Good Night

 Progress of sorts and that's something I suppose.  I asked for Crossword and Puzzle books for my Birthday and an Adult Colouring Book and that's to allow me to unwind and concentrate on something else rather than my head space.  It has been ridiculously hot in the late 20s early 30s but without the humidity which feels more bearable.  My chiller has been working overtime and it does the job allowing us to sleep under our pitched roof bedroom.

In many ways things are very gradually getting better.  The business cessation and dissolution is under way and the letters should arrive latest today to the shareholders.  They have the right to object once the notice has been published but quite what they can object to is a moot point as all the Statutory duties required of the business have been followed.

There's one potential objection that can be made but he would have to prove his assertion and no paperwork exists to back it up in fact I have paperwork that refutes it.  

Anyway, given that this is now underway and should be over in a few months, I doubt that there can be anything to hold it up but I've been wrong before and when people act out of emotion rather than logic these things can arise and it is one of the worries I am dealing with but of course it hasn't happened and so I need to check my fearful egoistic brain on that, which, as most of you realise, is the biggest part of my current and past problems!  

Coming to terms with retirement is taking a while longer than I expected I have to say.  I hadn't planned that the business would crash dive quite the way it did, or so quickly but I did everything I could to sort it out.  Anyway, the bottom line of it is that I was expecting to be doing a couple of hours a day and then do "retirement stuff" I just hadn't worked out what that "stuff" comprised of!

It is not going to be an overnight thing either, I need to spend a little time working out what it might be.  I'm living through the shock (we'll call it) of staring at the last phase of my life and I don't like it at all.  It isn't what I expected and I haven't come to terms with it.  That's my assessment of where I am right now.  I am trying to figure out life's new meaning and I am failing miserably at that.  I will get there by my usual dogged manner.  For the moment it is eluding me and there's a lot of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) clouding my judgement, what little there is left of the old INTJ Manager me.  Logic seems to have walked out and taken a break for the moment, perhaps it will return when I ground myself as I go forward.

At least I am sleeping a little better and I am not having so many bad and vicious thoughts.  Slow and very gradual progress though.   

A Different Dawn

 Up around 20 minutes earlier than normal pleasantly surprised considering how hot it was overnight.  My cooler was on low all night which must have helped - it's hot already this morning and going to go over 30C today again.  It's not so humid so that's good (I guess)?

I felt much better and was able to get up, prep breakfast for us and so I am pleased with that.  It makes a big difference and I feel better in myself and it's nice not to have the head sh1t going on.  

I am not sure what it might be but perhaps because the shareholder letters went out yesterday and are on their way and so that's a weight off and I sat down and did some art based activities in the afternoon - it was far too hot to do much else and that calmed me down too.  I even watched a bit of football last night which I rarely do just to do something. 

Thankfully I don't have problems going to sleep and last night getting up and going back to sleep.  I often struggle to go back to sleep as my senses get heightened and then the thoughts flood in.  I can manage that with some breathing and backwards counting that seems to work.

So maybe the end of the business, now official, now informed to all shareholders is kicked off.  I suppose he can object although I am not sure whether he can do anything about it.  His assertions that his investment is a loan would have to be argued with Companies House (not me) and I've already put on record the business' position on this.  So that's all that can really put the fly in the ointment I guess.  Let's wait and see - this is the only thing that's left really and I suppose it all depends on how vindictive he feels.  Hopefully now I've returned everything to him he will go away?  It still plays on my mind how nasty he has been and I imagine that is part of my current head wobble.

Anyway, take each day as it comes and today is a much better day than the past weeks so that's a bonus.  Let's hope I can build on that. 

Early Again - Not Too Bad Despite

 Hearing of two acquaintance's prognoses.  One is a bit of a shocker as it's now "manage" the outcome, the other is in Hospital and it's not looking good.  

I am up early about 5:30 and I'm not sure what woke me up really?  I was awake earlier than that but drifted back to sleep once I'd calmed my mind down a bit so I'm up 2 hours earlier than planned but it is warm again, perhaps late teens and sleeping isn't that comfortable.

I have to say though that my head is clear writing this and that's great, I enjoyed a day of motor racing yesterday and I didn't stay up for the England Vs Mexico match that kicked off around 1 am. I see we won and maybe that woke me though I doubt it, I don't really do football as such.

I hope that I can continue to work my way through this awful patch and get myself back on an even keel.  The letters to shareholders should have gone out on Saturday but the postman didn't bring the label and it was only that I caught him that I'd have even found out about it.  Hopefully today that will be sorted and the whole of that episode, close to 10 years will come to an end unless, I suppose, the bloke who kicked off wants to somehow kick off again although I am not sure how he can?  Mind you people aren't logical when it comes to being vindictive.

There's this strange thing of getting rid of the baggage that I have and working on where I go next and what I do.  I do feel that there is a whole area I need to work on as this retirement living was never planned or thought about, it just happened and that's a shock and a barrier to work through.  My "purpose" has gone and I need to adjust to this situation - I am just not doing that as fast as I wanted to really.

Fluctuating Moods Swings

 Up just gone 6 with just 2 overnight wakes.  It's warm again and the chiller fan is on which helps.  Strange dreams but not overly so - not disturbing but I wonder who the lady was I met as she was interesting and darkly mysterious :-)

I digress though.  My birthday was OK and the British Grand Prix was live so there was plenty to do.  I want to work out what is going on but the swings between how I feel are confusing I suppose, in that I cannot make sense of what is happening anyway let alone when I am alright one minute and almost in tears the next.  

As I type now I am OK but aware that I am not quite right.  There's a lingering under the surface anxiety that tests my thoughts and limits my actions.  It really is annoying that I cannot break away from it.

Well, It's My Birthday

 I don't want to celebrate or do anything and I still have this heavy heart, anxiety about me and I don't seem to be able to shake it off at the moment but I must somehow do that and move on.

The business was finally wound up yesterday and the letters are going out today.  I suppose someone could object but it would be pretty pointless to do so.  The accounts are in order, the proper process has been followed and so perhaps that is something that I can now forget but it plays on my mind and so is one of the areas that should fade away with time.

I need to do something to work through all of this - I know a lot is in my head and I just cannot clear it at the moment.  I'll have to try and work out how I deal with it.  I'm thinking one of the ways is to walk away from social media and all the things I am subscribed to.  They do nothing for my well being. 

 

Again - Not Too Bad This Morning

 Life is still presenting some sort of head conflict and I'm working on it.  Woke twice overnight, it was a slightly warm one - I hadn't cooled the room properly before bedtime but I fell asleep fast and got up after 6:15 so that's better than a few weeks ago.

I've halted drinking (beer) and I feel a bit better for that too.  It hasn't been long but it is enough and so fizzy water seems to suffice.  I do miss beer though, a lifetime of it, and so I provide my circular arguments that I can handle it well knowing that just the one or two a day probably isn't "handling it"

When you know that the stuff in your head isn't real and that it is all manufactured to get your attention to make you sad, to upset you and you let it, you do feel let down that you cannot handle the current situation.  I'm sad and annoyed, tetchy (sometimes) and cannot express myself.  I'm tearful some of the time but not all of the time and I suppose I can go on about the 20 year anniversary of finding the Bladder Cancer but that is just part of it.  

I suppose losing my "purpose" is having an effect.  That which kept me getting up, coming into the office here and working is gone never to come back.  So what's the purpose?  I lapsed my hobbies over the years and that too is a problem I find in that I have little to do now.  Maybe that's also an issue to deal with or find things to do.

Some people say that they have no time now that they are retired and I find that I don't have that, I don't have projects to deal with or rather I do but I cannot always focus on doing them.  Things seem stacked up against me when they probably aren't.  In this hot weather (3rd heatwave incoming) I have to say that I don't feel like doing that much for sure.  Enthusiasm sits and rests at the list of things I need to do.  I am gradually going through selling off all the stuff that just sits around doing nothing.  Stuff that has sat in boxes since we moved with no purpose and not being used.

That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Not for the sentimental purpose but because I start something and don't really follow through with it.  I need to work on getting things done and achieving them but that too is proving difficult.  

So stuck in a bit of a no man's land still and it's the anniversary of my Father's death today.  July has always been awful in those terms.  Mum's birthday, my presenting with Bladder Cancer, Dad's death, my birthday all in the first 4 days and there were a couple of other things too that happened in these 4 days that I cannot recall what they were - I think some sort of problem or death etc!  

But, I shouldn't dwell on those I guess?  No, I should get on with living my pensioner retired life and just enjoy it without the dread of getting old.  It is without doubt a change in life that I had not envisaged nor had I even thought could be a problem, I had not planned for it and with the close of the business (that is finalising in the next few days) my current purpose disappeared.  The hours a day I'd spent over the past 9 years no longer exist and that activity got me up out of bed and "doing things" and it's gone in a flash.

I liked the analogy that your life is like a river and it is flowing strongly from its origins and as you work through your young and middle age and then it reaches a canyon and the narrows chop up the water making it froth and angry and then after going through that the river becomes wide and still and gentle.  I'm in the narrows and need to get through to the other side.

A Game of Two Halves

 It was our Lodge's annual BBQ and I thought the roads would be morgue quiet as England were playing in the World Cup but no, the roads were quite busy but we got there in good time.  Then the "fun" happened.  The room we were having our pre-meeting in was the smallest one which was like an oven.  I don't recall it ever being that hot before and suddenly Mr. Claustrophobia kicked in and I just couldn't stay in the room with everyone.  I needed to be there but I was really feeling bad and a little panicked so I made my apologies and didn't attend.  It was (only) half an hour but that would have been too much for me.

Things changed a bit afterwards and the England Match was on in the bar area and guests assembling in the garden.  England?  Yes they were a goal down to DR Congo.  The meeting ended and I got on doing my Treasurer's duties, collecting money, dishing out the drinks vouchers and so on.

It proved to be a nice evening and we left around 9 or so as the sun dipped down and it got quite chilly.  We drove home and I got a whole night's sleep!  Hurrah.  Woken by the alarm which was good so I feel better about things as it stands now.

It is the 20th Anniversary of me presenting with my Bladder Cancer symptoms (blood in the urine) on the day before England lost to Portugal I think?  

Let me see what today brings.  I have 6 months now until my next Lodge meeting and I hope that I will have turned it all around by then.  

Good Night - Up Early But Something Still Not Quite Right

 It was a good night, up just the once and slept through to gone 6 and so a solid 7 maybe 7 1/2 hours.  That's better than it was and I don't have the high levels of anxiety of last week but still something there gnawing away. 

It is (this morning) a feeling of being trapped a slight claustrophobic feeling but, of course I can do something about that, get up, stand outside, move around the rooms etc.  It isn't always that - I have started to worry about my daughters one of whom is on her round the world trip and was flying overnight to Canada.  She's a seasoned traveller but I just have this slight on edge feeling when I think about it.  I recall seeing her photos  and videos from New Zealand leaping from an aircraft and parachuting over the Southern Alps / Fjords.  Do it whilst you are young and good luck to her but there's the background worry about such things.

My worry at the moment is this preoccupation about getting old and now I have no business to work on, what to do with myself and how to spend my time.  It's a wobble I didn't think I'd have to deal with but now I see that I was woefully unprepared for the transition.  I am not sure whether to get involved in things or walk away from the commitments that I still have and it's all playing on my mind.

I am sure I will get there but it is unnerving at the moment and just something I need to work on. 

I Know This, I've Actually Done Something About It Before

 So why oh why am I here again?  

Give this a watch it's around 10 to 15 minutes or so.  

I just needed the KITA (Kick In The Arse) to remind me of this.  I know this, I've been round and around this and I purposefully don't sit in our living room watching TV particularly as I find that propaganda but I do doom scroll my phone, Facebook but not so much Instagram and all the others.

The stuff I have been wrestling with for a while and we all know how Left Brained I am.  The INTJ bit has now lost its purpose, its meaning, it's being the boss, being the technical guru, the planner, the arbiter of all things right and wrong.  I am liking the sound of it already the omnipotent, omnipresent Project Manager LOL!!

But, back to this talk.  I follow Dr Brooks on YouTube for goodness sake and I know I know this stuff - I just need to back out of the OCD or whatever I have been doing for the past God knows how long?

So the lesson is I need to remind myself of the right hand side of my brain more often - being an INTJ that is soooooo difficult I can't even begin to tell you how hard that is.  Even when I convince myself I need to do more on the other side of my brain and know the reason for it - I wrestle with the implementation as it isn't logical or process driven.  I've been here before and so the deja vu is strong with me on this and it is all very 'The Matrix'  Now where are my blue and red pills?  

Distraction In Accidents

 I live about half a mile from the main road on an non adopted country lane. It's about a vehicle width wide with passing places and around 15 houses mainly where we are.  It is a bridleway and footpath too.  Yesterday as I was half way to the road I spied a runner, a young lady as it happens and something wasn't right about the scene and I stopped my car about 20 paces from her as she ran and started veering towards me almost running sideways into the middle of the road!  She got the shock of her life when she saw my car and veered back to the side of the road.  Luckily I had stopped as if I had been driving I would probably have hit her or had a very near miss.

Of course she had ear buds in and was looking down at her mobile phone.  She did jump quite a bit when she finally saw the front of my car.  That isn't unusual but that's the nearest one I've had this year!  I nearly had a new bonnet mascot!  LOL.

I've Been Here Before

 Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began.  I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.  

The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.

This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case.  I need to talk to someone other than this blog.  The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?

Small steps are required.  I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep.  I've stopped having a beer in the evening too.  I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so.  Habit is a problem.  I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.

I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through.  I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter.  It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.

Humidity Broken - Heat Coming Down - Sleep - A Little Better

 I ended up staying downstairs to sleep while my grandson slept in my part of the bed!  It wasn't a great night's sleep as my routine (such as it is) was disturbed and as I said to everyone involved - a day's notice no problem to hear that he was coming for the day only to find he was staying does not help my current anxious state.  I had to go for a quick walk around to calm down and there you go, I've turned into my dad and my grandfather!

However, I am mostly OK I think with short bursts of anxiety and so I just need to keep that under some sort of control, it's not easy to do that but I am working on it.  I have to work at it rather than having it be a natural, not thought about sort of action.

Still warm in the office so a shorter blog today. 

Switched The PC Off For While

 It's been so hot and my office was like a sauna so I switched the PC off and have used my phone and tablet to keep in touch with the world. 

The nights have been sticky and very hot and my cooler has been working overtime. It just about does the job but it has been very hot indeed. 

As for my state of mind, well, it's on and off but generally manageable.  Of course grandson announcing he's staying this morning didn't really help me so I just got busy doing the washing up which has calmed me down.  The rain has just arrived hopefully bringing cooler weather.  

Of to see my daughters tomorrow. One of them is going off around the world and so it's my chance to wish her bon voyage for at least 4 months.  

Hot Night - But Managed Sleep

 Another warm night and it was very hot and very humid.  I had the cooler going full blast and just woke twice and for me, not too bad, up an hour earlier than "normal" and it's OH's birthday today on what may prove to be the hottest day of the years so far possibly mid 30s.  One of the hottest days I have had was 44 C which were in Spain and France and it was just unbelievably warm.  Some say it will feel like 40.  

Here in the UK our houses are built for cold weather which we are used to of course.  They are insulated to a high standard and retain heat making this sort of weather event particularly difficult for us.  Being a large island, humidity is also a problem and so it is quite different from say Spain or France where generally it is dry heat.  

I am having less "thoughts" at the moment which is good and if they do arise I can recognise them and deal with them.  Lots of reasons that I can see but I am not going to dwell on those today - today is going to be a red hot day and it just needs to be approached in a calm way as it is already hot at 07:00.  My weather station shows it as 28C with 58% RH outside.  Inside, 21.5C with 90% RH!  

Progress - Keeping Occupied

 Yesterday was a day of action as we emptied the garage and I rescued my exercise equipment loaded it in to the car for my daughter.  A Cross Trainer and a Power Plate  and a Chin Up bar which was a devil to dismantle.

We then assembled some cupboards but only found two shelves to fit them!  So I need to cut some to go in there.  We were contemplating leaving all the things out overnight but I caught sight of a big storm going off to the West of London and between us we thought not to take the chance so put almost everything back into the garage but we didn't have time to put it where we wanted so it's ended up looking like a tip but not quite as bad as before!

I was going to do something today but we have an Amber heat warning and they are saying 32 C with very high humidity.  So I'm not going to attempt that.  I'm glad we put the stuff away though as around 4 we were woken by a massive storm, lightning and thunder and biblical rain crashing onto the roof and windows.  I managed to sleep through the best of it, tired as I was from yesterday's physical exertions.  This morning though, contrary to the forecast, it's been raining.  Warm rain I'll grant you but rain nonetheless taking a lot of people by surprise.  Now the sun has come out and the temperature is rising and the RH is 57 outside and 88 inside.  Not much will get done as it's just too warm & humid.

I felt a lot better yesterday as I was actually doing something, I made another sale of some spare equipment I have and whilst the voices came for me in the mid evening I was able to bat those away.

I perhaps need to sort myself out some hobbies to occupy my spare time?

Weather Does Not Help

 Not one bit as you really cannot do much in or outside as it is very hot, quite humid and debilitating.  We were going to do some sorting out in the garage but that isn't looking on for the next two or three days if not the next week.  We will see after breakfast on that.

The bedroom cooler works to some extent keeping us cool enough to sleep and I wonder whether I should invest in an A/C unit but, of course, it may only be 10 days a year you need it! 

I don't mind it when we have generally hot weather but having temperatures into the 30s is unusual for us. 

It was a not too bad night but we both woke around 3:30 and getting back to sleep was not easy but I managed to last until just gone 6:15 so a result for me.  Not sure if OH was so lucky but it wasn't easy even with the cooler.  I think tomorrow and for a few days after it may be more difficult.  I had my thoughts come visit as I tried to go back to sleep and my knee started to hurt too so I will need to wear my knee strap tonight and see if that helps.

Fighting the little voice in my head is an on and off thing.  It comes and goes and needs me to realise what it is and then to deal with it.  Not always possible when you are semi conscious easier if I am in the right frame of mind to deal with it. 

Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.  

The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!

Great To Get Out - Diary Mishap And The Journey From Hell

 We went and walked some miniature Donkeys yesterday, the journey there was good and we had a lovely time walking the Donkeys and feeding Chickens, Llamas and wandering around an Orchard full of tame animals. Walking the Donkeys was the calm I needed but travelling home was a nightmare as the SatNav took us on some back routes and incorrectly launched me on the detour from hell!  We half recovered only to find it sent me off somewhere I didn't want to be and then took another crazy turn in and around trying to access a Motorway!  Crazy stuff.

I had realised that I wasn't about to meet an appointment I had so sent a message only to say that I'd got the date wrong and that it was next week!  

To cheer me up I made a sale on eBay which is great and I've just prepared that to go tomorrow!  Royal Fail (Mail) missed us the day before even though we were in the house.  They then asked where they could leave the parcel if we weren't in.  Crazily after I'd filled in the where to leave my parcel with full details of where our Parcel Box is located - you can't miss it if you turn around from the door it's right there!!.  No, they left it with a neighbour which meant I had to go and collect from her, she's a nice lady but I apologised and explained that they'd completely missed the parcel box I'd specifically placed by the front door with "PARCEL BOX" actually written on it!  Doh!

So I was feeling a bit better than I have been.  The parcel of loads of my old bits goes off later today and who knows, maybe it will be worth something, maybe not.  Sleep wan't too bad - I woke when the garden light came on and when the milkman arrived around 3 am and slept through until OH got up around 6:15.  I need to get my Paul McKenna stuff together as I am using some of his relaxing strategies to sleep and it is beginning to work quite well.  

Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.

De-Cluttering, Sleep & Sheep

I have decided to get rid of some of my stuff.  It's sat for a minimum of 7 years in boxes, maybe even up to 15 years thinking about it, I am not using them and so what's the point?  I don't know if that is adding or taking away from my "strange" state of mind.  It's clutter and despite a few items being family pieces the other stuff is just not worth leaving lying around gathering dust.

I was woken by the Sheep making a row as mother and baby searched for each other (I guess).  It is an hour, roughly, before I normally get up so that's not too bad and I managed to wake just once and drift back to sleep reasonably quickly so I am pleased with that.  The Sheep are late to the field this year, it's mid June and we normally get them in May or before.

The ongoing brain struggle I know myself is "all in my head" and I need to get back to working on that if I can.  It's tackling that series of thoughts and they are dreads and not rational so my poor old INTJ brain doesn't work well with emotional stuff.  Sometimes the logical approach just doesn't work especially when the thoughts and fears aren't logical.  

And... Back To Square One!

My OH woke at around 4:40 and I ended up going into silly head space territory and melt down and so got up and paced around downstairs!  This period of head problems is not great.  Tearful, short term distressed, worryingly pessimistic and helpless.  It doesn't help that I got a video call from a cousin last night who has just come out of Hospital and there I was facing someone who's been quite ill and looking a bit grey and drawn albeit in good spirits.  

I think that I am facing (or not really) growing old with no enthusiasm at all.  I want to escape but to what I don't really know.  After an hour things have subsided and I feel calm again but it isn't helping at all that I am like this.  Awake at 5 am is OK but I need something to do, something to achieve or, on the other hand, do I?

I plan to do some clearing out today and over the weekend but honestly that may not be enough.  I can clean out all the stuff I don't use and is just lying around but I need to work more on this lack of purpose I currently feel.  

Wrapping the business up must be playing on my mind.  I of course, in reality, shut it down earlier this year and its just a matter of going through the motions now but it must have an effect on things, in the back of my mind.  But it will be good to get rid of it once and for all and it will be good to detach from it too.  

I'm not in the very dark place I was around this time last year.  I should be clear of that but obviously I am not entirely.  

For now I need to struggle on and work through this.  Shades of my father who had a rough time of it and now I must "get a grip" they all say that don't they?  I recognise the problem and I do need to deal with it somehow.  Not sure how yet.I am loathe to do something in a hurry but I need to work on this as soon as I can - it really isn't great.

Improvements - Not Sure How But I Will Take It

 Up just 30 minutes earlier than normal, woke twice but straight back to seep so that's good.  I think the milkman disturbed us around 5.  Partner's car was patched up last night by her son's friend, a mechanic and so crisis averted for now.  It's good when someone who knows what they are doing can get involved.

Last payment to the Company accountant yesterday so that was good and means just a couple more steps to go to wash my hands of all of that too.  It will be a weight off of my mind to have it gone.  I can then send off the notification to the shareholders and that will be that.  I suppose he can complain but if he does, he will not get anywhere as he'd need to come up against people (or rather Institutions) other than me and they'll not entertain his nonsense.  It's up to him, all due process has been followed now.

I have a couple of things to complete and that's that.  I'm working on getting rid of the first lot of things that I have not used in the past 7 or 8 years and that's keeping me busy.  I just need to check whether they can be sent out and then I can pack a trial lot and see how it goes.  If I am not using these things, then someone else can I'd suggest.  If they wish to pay some money for them it save me advertising them and it saves all the other hassle of selling on eBay and Facebook Marketplace etc.

So a good night's sleep, very few "thoughts" whilst that happened and long may that continue to improve! 

Another "Interesting" Night

 Well, the annoying thing was that my partner had her car driven into by a hit and run leaving the back bumper array all smashed up.  A bit like both my Jaq and my Volvo which still bears the scuff marks.  Bigger cars, same tight parking spaces.  That they just collided, don't tell me they didn't know, and then just drove away is typical of today's society.  The car is out of action and so all the things she was due to do this week are now cancelled.

So, once we'd got that sorted out as far as we could I managed to get to sleep fine.  Getting to sleep is OK.  Getting up yes fine and back to sleep but at 5 am it was and as it was quite light I decided not to get up but to try and go back to sleep which I suppose I must have done but it is difficult to know.  I was trying to get thoughts out of my head and just circular breathe to do so.  I cannot have been doing that for 2 and a half hours so must have grabbed some in between sleep. so partly successful I'd say but I am still not doing my usual eight hours through which may be because it is light but I still think it is to do with being unsettled.

This whole retirement, getting old thing is a problem but I am working my way through it as best I can.  Hopefully I will get through it.

Six O'Clock And All's Well?

 Up early once again but slept through just getting up once.  So it's getting a little longer sleep wise but still I'm awake and ready for the day.

Not so much awakening anxiety today though so that's better but then I have started to "do things" like clutter cleaning and doing a bit at a time so that I gradually tackle what's before me.  I grabbed the Nettle and ordered a de-cluttering pack which will allow me to get rid of my stuff.  I feel I have to hold on to things but in reality it is just clutter and can go.  It does me no favours, cannot be used, can't even be looked at etc.  

There's a "What's the point?" to it all too.  I've ordered some tidy workshop boxes too that I can arrange all my workshop stuff into.  That will help me tidy the garage where things have gotten a little out of control.  There's stuff in the garage that I no longer use too and I can just sell those of I'd suggest.  There's a need to tackle things that no longer matter to me.  I've had my use out of them and in fact there's a charity that collects stuff from your doorstep too I've used a couple of times so I will probably do that.

Today - will tackle the car blown fuse and start to make progress on my family history papers that once again, are no longer needed in the format I have them and I can probably spend some time digitizing them and saving to my servers and online backed up.  

It's getting my head around progress and realising that I cannot do it all at once.