My Amazement At The Actions Of People In Groups

 I shouldn't be surprised at all really having worked in industries that appear to reward stupidity and hamper innovation.  The larger the organisation the easier it is to nurture and accommodate these people.  Everyone seemed to know that they were useless and a drain except their bosses.  The smaller the business the fewer of these you had as you couldn't hide your failings.

Our Prime Minister and indeed most of his party appear utterly incompetent, un-planned, dare I say stupid?  They have one job and the trouble is none of them actually appear to have ever had a job.  The level on incompetence is off the scale, the absurdity of their decision making knows no bounds.   It's as if everything they come up with is only designed to piss off the electorate and they stumble on making stuff up, having no real policies except pissing us off and charging extra taxes for the privilege.  The wanton destruction of the country is seen by everyone but themselves and you see the incredulity in their eyes when people dare to ask them just a normal question.

It's shocking that we have in less than two years sunk so low but you know, socialism, it never works and they quickly run out of other people's money, our money!  It's the problem when you are not governed by people who are are real life business people, economists, specialist but rather students of Socialism, Communism, Marxism and like the freshly emerged pupils see wonder, opportunity, Unicorns and sunny skies from what they've studied openly practice their ideologies letting loose chaos and bringing down great countries all the while telling you they are the good guys.  For it affects them not (at the moment) and they blindly follow their religious zealotry to the causes of net zero, energy from unicorn farts, magic money trees, the infinite wallets of their citizens and their wet dream fantasies that they are doing good for all!

I shouldn't be amazed at the polls either which are predicting more of the same in Scotland.  Surely they've had enough, they are spouting independence again but their tenure has seen everything get worse, transport, health, education and so on are collapsing and yet people want more of the same or harder?  Why would you do that.  I see Labour will get a bloody nose in the local elections less than a month away but why would you vote for a party that taxes you higher then the rest of the country, can't decide on biological scientific facts but rails against them, has a high drug death rate more than all of Europe?  I don't get that at all but the madness of crowds teaches probably has something to do with it.  It also makes me laugh that independence if achieved would mean they would rejoin the EU which would take your independence away surely?  

The world is a strange place n'est pas?  

That Was Good - A Nice Day Out

 Well that was nice, a trip into the deeper countryside and to an ancient village Hotel and it was a glorious sunny day.  It was actually good to feel the sun on your body albeit through the windscreen of the car and whilst it wasn't warm enough to sit outside it was at least not too loud indoors and we had a great catch up.  It's a shame that we didn't do so earlier as we worked out the last time we met must have been 7 or possibly 8 years previously.  Certainly well before Covid nonsense times.  

He's quite a bit younger than I am and we worked together on a couple of projects way back over 25 years ago!  How amazing.  It never feels that long ago.  Anyway the main thing was that it was good to get out, have a nice meal and we got away reasonably early - so it just meant the journey home was relaxed and I came away with a pot of his and his wife's homemade Raspberry jam.  If you wanted to live in an ideal location then where they live is just great with a small holding and village pub you could reach in a minute if you dawdled.

So I must remind myself to get out more and to start to enjoy my life too.  Yes, let's try and do more of that.

Page Turning Commences Today

Off to meet an old work colleague that I haven't seen for far too log - years.  We are meeting half way at a lovely location, an old village with Pub, Hotel and Church.  I have rather shut down these past 10 or more years being social and keeping up contact with old friends and so today is a little outside of my comfort zone albeit not that far outside.  

It reminds me that I need to alter the rather insular lifestyle I have lived and break out a bit at a time from this being stuck indoors.  It is going to take some getting used to but I need to do it.

It's a small but not insignificant step towards changing my direction and one I want to build on.  I do feel that I have limited myself in the past and that I need to make some changes but gradually so as not to spook myself.

Looking forward to a change in momentum and starting to get back some control over my life.    

Flip Flop Start Stop

 Awake at 6 this morning and I have no idea what my mind was up to but I was wide awake and not wanting, for whatever reason, to go back to sleep.  I wanted to (not really) get up so I threw some clothes on and came downstairs for an hour and a half until the alarm went off.

No idea why I was all hyperactive on waking perhaps whatever dream I was in needed a clean break, I know not.  I can sleep well or fitfully and there's no rhyme or reason behind this I can detect at the moment.  Of course it is Monday and so what in the old days would have been the beginning of a new working week?  Maybe it was that, again I am not sure why.

It's the coming together of all of these changes I suppose.  Not certain what to do with myself, not disciplined to buckle down to some work and not really planned or over the procrastination phase, not planned, not incentivised and still expecting that the company stuff will come back and bite me. 

It's happened a couple of times this past week already - maybe it will settle down when the business is dead and buried? 

In Other News - Mr. Wobbly Returns

 There's been an up and down relationship between my head and me for years.  I blow hot and cold quite a bit of the time and strange as it may seem it appears to be getting worse rather than better counter-intuitively so.

Perhaps for some unknown reason I am dipping in and out of glass half full / half empty almost every day at the moment.  I can go to bed tonight and sleep right through or wake up and start to contemplate mortality and play through some sort of scenario in my head about something that may or indeed may not have happened!  The death question is popping up more than I'd like it to but I've just completed my Lasting Power or Attorneys (LPA) and I am documenting all the stuff I have my assets, accounts, investments, liabilities and so on and seeing all that on paper (well electronically really) and having to come to terms with various potential outcomes or routes towards that is making me a bit in and out too. 

So I range during the day from happy to contemplative.  Not sad really although I can get like that when thinking of what might have been or my children and the sad ways of the world as they are at the moment.   I imagine that I am not only coming to terms with this change of course but also the feeling of driving full speed into  a cul-de-sac.  That's not to say that this is the only way to go or that is indeed what might happen but my INTJ brain is computing all the outcomes and scenarios and maybe I should just let it happen.  Easier said than done for sure.

I don't suppose yesterday's little reminder improved my wish for equilibrium either :-) Looking back on my history then there could have been many avenues I could have gone down and wondering now where they might have led is another distraction that will not do anything but waste precious time and energy but what if I had taken those opportunities / paths?  Would life have been different?  Would it all have led back to the same health challenges, work and career moves and so on? In my mind they would have ended differently of course.  Good for dreaming and sometimes beating yourself up with the "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take."

Last year's contemplation of wanting to die was one of "those" things - I really felt so wretched that I thought about it very hard and quickly dismissed it and I'd only ever felt that way a few times in my entire life.  No need for calling SAMs  as it happens - it was more a contemplation event rather than anything else.  

I expect that there will be more wobbles on the way for a while - it's tackling what I am going to do with myself going forward and breaking these ties at the same time that were (or are) holding me back.  

Strange Emotions About That Photo

 You know that I found the photo yesterday a little bit of a shock just jolting me back through the years and I wrote about it here Glimpsing My Angel a few years ago.  I suppose this sums up (badly) how I felt at the time and I guess yesterday was a replay.  I, of course, felt quite nostalgic and recalled all the wonderful times we shared but this time it wasn't as vivid nor was it with that dream wish that it would all come right, that we would be together again.  She has her life and I have mine and daring to dream that it would all come together and the Planets and Stars would align to make it so probably sits with the fairies of winning the Lottery and so on.

The nice thing is that I can recall the lovely times we spent together and the time during that summer, recall our songs, the times we spent talking for hours on end, sharing our favourite music and getting to know each other.  The twinge of the breakup is indeed there but it no longer hurts or haunts me.  The thing was that it actually happened, that it was perfect and that I was granted a brief time with her.

It is what it is and can be no different (I sound like Morpheus from the Matrix!) of course it would be nice if it were different but it isn't, this is it, this is what happened, what life had in store and nothing either of us could have done would have prevented the outcome at all.  

So today I am content at last and will not beat myself up about something that happened 13 years ago.  So much has happened in all that time too so it no longer matters. 

Incoming Left Field - That Threw Me

 I try hard not to think about my angel or how she is or what's she's doing now and in many ways contact no longer actually exists - the odd message perhaps but years ago and then suddenly today there's her photo on Social Media - I had quite forgotten that there was an automatic follow built in to something that I hardly use and there she is, looking straight at me, smiling that knowing soft smile.  She's beautiful.  

It's over, 13 years since and yet she still has the ability to stop me in my tracks and remind me how wonderful all that short summer of 2013 was.  If you know the song Dakota then give it a listen, maybe I ought to publish my crazy love song hits from 2013? 

 I still have my list and I listen occasionally as it brings back those wonderful memories and the excitement and wonder of a special time in my life. I'll leave this here........

Fitting Things Into Place - Strange Satisfaction, Strange Space

 I've been trying to arrange to see my mum who loves a fair way from me and I need to spend a few days away to make the drive bearable, spend sufficient time with her and as bad as this statement seems to get value for money from the trip.  I normally stay in a local AirBnB or Hotel but occasionally her sheltered home resident's room become available.  Given the price of fuel and the cost of staying locally it's all fallen nicely into place that the room is available and so I can stay in the same block as her whilst I am there.  It's just £25 per night to stay so saves me a lot in that way.

It will be almost a year since I was last up there and I hope I can get her out on her electric scooter mobility thing as she worries unduly about such things.  At least if she is with me for a number of days we can at least try and gain some confidence in using the machine and maybe she will use it a bit more to travel locally.

I used the word strange space and by that I mean that when I just got the confirmation through it meant that it was now set into my diary and I have a settled date(s) and know what I am going to be doing, it's opened up more time for me this month (when I'd originally thought I'd be going) and so I can now set to and work on the areas I need to in closing down the business, working on some accounts that I just must do and tidying up my office, filing or destroying paperwork and so on.  It has delivered me a space inside to accommodate what I need to get done so I am pleased with that I have to say.

It is strange that nailing those dates let's other things drop into place and eases my mind to set to and sort things out that I was procrastinating on.

Are We Ruled By Imbeciles?

 I have to say that this latest bunch of "politicians" seem to have had their brains enhanced by the use of microwave cooking technology.  Can there be a worse show of stupidity than some of the crazy stuff we are seeing and the complete lack of joined up thinking on display.

We all know that they are lying all the time and that they cannot provide a structured argument for anything they do.  Cowardly, jelly fish boned spineless tits the lot of them.  They come out with complete excrement when asked even the basic questions.  The look they give when you see a basic economics question or are requested to explain how something they propose actually works in real life shows the rabbit in a headlight shock but no realization what they were asked or how it affects the economy, the country and so on.  

It's beyond a joke now they all appear to be mentally retarded, the lobotomy procedures gone too far.  We all see them for the utter waste of Oxygen they are and yet, I am surprised that after all of this incompetence, when asked, close to 20% would still vote for them.  What mental illness has overtaken a fifth of the population that they would allow these chancers any more time in office to ruin our economy and humiliate our country further on the world stage.  

Watching the news, that that doesn't want to make me vomit, is excruciating as we are viewed as idiots whilst our leaders seem think that they are major players on the world stage in their own eyes whilst every other nation looks on at the village idiots we've put in power.  It's totally cringe-worthy to hear the word salad that erupts from our PM and his Cabinet of misfits when asked their position on anything.  What a time to be alive.  The fascinating thing to watch is whether these idiots can sit the right way up on a toilet, tie their own shoelaces and recall what the question they are about to answer was having just been asked.  

I have a morbid interest in watching them royally screw up.  Not long now until the council polls to see if the rest of the country has worked it out yet or whether they will join the 20% and vote in the Turkeys for Christmas party again?

  

It's Been A Long Time

 At least 20 years I guess.  I woke early this morning and as my mind is bound to do, it decided today was the day to pen my book of regrets.  Whirlwind mind went off on a pretty bad set of self accusatory attacks and the pain body did its best as did I to dismiss such things but it was light, the birds were fighting each other on the Balcony outside the bedroom windows and French doors and so I got up an hour and a half early and decided to come downstairs, get the milk in and get the charity box out for collection and sit here for a hour distracting myself with the news which I hope will be good for world peace going forward but who knows?

I am angry with myself once again for not really tackling these thoughts and doing something about them.  Last year was a low for sure and that episode should have taught me what to do and the internal fight never truly goes away.  My head is in the wrong place and the changes which to be fair have already happened with the business still haven't freed my mind.  I guess my partner saying she had avoided bumping into the guy who made my life hell last year must have subconsciously played a part in that - he's still kicking around in my head but of course, he can no longer do anything other than be a prize knob going forward and I'm not the person I was 20 years ago or I would have been quite aggressive in return.

I think that Cancer is a great leveller and change enabler even if you don't want it to be.  Getting past the treatment which was challenging and the assault on your mind which needs battling as much as the disease itself, there comes about a frailty of mind which has surprised me.  I was always super confident (my INTJ brain saw to that) and aggressive (in business) cock sure some might say and I didn't get upset about things in the in-depth way I do now.  I shouldn't be annoyed at the actions of others.  I should not react or care what they do and I shouldn't blame myself for other people's failings or actions yet my mind which knows much of this will not cooperate with me.  The Pain Body and the Ego are strong and I have to be on my guard.  I am right now but 30 minutes ago I was upset with the way things are for no apparent reason.  I cannot change the facts, they are what they are, I can only run with it and let it be what it is and today, I find that difficult.  Later, I will have shrugged this off and be getting along with stuff without a worry.

It is a worry that I have these dark thoughts again, these cannot provide any useful input to my life and are destructive and a little worrying too.  Last year's episode was horrible and very scary.  It was like the bit in The Matrix film where Neo takes the Red Pill.  when he disappears into that black tunnel and it sort of goes inside himself.  So Imagine that I was sat there and feeling absolutely awful and a little nauseous when the room just dimmed and I went cold as ice and the blackness poured in on me.  It was like that - but worse!  I am so glad that I shook myself out of it and grabbed my Eckhart Tolle Book, 'A New Earth' and started reading the chapters I had bookmarked.  

I thought I might be dying for I have never felt anything like it and of course it was all in me.  Whilst there was ugly stuff happening out there it was a reflection on how I was dealing with it not the thing itself and this is the truth of it.  I have to analyse things and understand them and that is how my mind works, how it makes sense of the world and why I don't particularly like people LOL! Logic and rational behaviour and science and data are my tools to make sense of it all.  I should but cannot detach myself from these things and every now and then I cannot and it leads me to be weird for a short time (normally although it can be longer).

I was never like this before cancer but since I have been a little or a lot screwy.  It halts me being just me, it stops spontaneity as I have to plan things and research them and  the problem with that is that it is disappointing when things pre-conceived or pre-planned do not turn out as you had hoped or envisaged.  The answer if probably to try and be less controlling or planned but that too is difficult and leads to its own issues.

I need to get over this as it is leading me into dark places and is happening daily now.  I hope that I will be able to work my way through this as it is having a bad affect on me and halts me getting on with things.  Today another box of old stuff goes to charity.  Stuff I've had kicking about for years that in reality I'd never do anything with.  Hopefully it will do some good elsewhere and of course I won't miss it.  Some of it is way over 20 years old and sat in a box in case....  I need to get a grip on this and other things in my life.  The closing of the business, releasing the baggage of 20 or more years will start to pay dividends as long as my mind does not prevent or hinder me.  I hate the battles in my head and wish they'd go away and leave me to it.  

When You Cannot Put Your Finger On What Is Happening

 It's all well and good knowing that you are in a transition between being heavily involved in work work and acclimatizing to not working but other 'stuff' is oozing out of the mind and you recognize that you have been allowing strange habits to form over the years, that you are not bringing your whole self into things, that you are half halfheartedly approaching things around the house and garden and that you've just dropped the baton sometime ago on many things.

I am happy that another box of old stuff will go to charity tomorrow and I think that I will just do that from now on.  Grab an opportunity and fill a box, book the man in his van to come over and it can be picked up and reused or recycled.

Behind all of this is the really worrying part and that is I am drifting away and becoming more insular again and perhaps that should warn me about where I am - and I kind of know stuff isn't going well, I feel OK but there's a nagging doubt inside of me too.  I am pretty sure that I need to work out these niggles and worries and start to work out my own life, the universe and all that once again.  Something is messing around with my sub conscious but I am blowed if I know exactly what it is this time.  Oh well, time will no doubt reveal what it is and I can deal with it then.  

Just Letting 'Stuff' Happen

 Life's a bit aimless at the moment as I try and adjust to this no working lack of activity and try and come to terms with it all.  The next activities will involve shutting stuff down and I imagine that will happen this month and then around 2 months afterwards as long as no one objects - that's it.  Not much they can object to in real terms and fighting over the few pounds in the bank will cost more in postage stamps than its worth but you never know, such is the irrational behaviour I've had to suffer in the last 2 years or so anything is possible.

But that's it really, no more working the engine of business and now I need to focus on what comes next and that is curiously, not a lot.  No projects no long term plans just to catch up with the last 9 years of my life and so things, like I did earlier and pack up a load of un-used bits and ship them off for charity.  That was quite good to do actually.  It was a small box of things like routers from previous broadband providers (where they didn't want them back) power leads and other PC elements plus some old CDs and DVDs (software) which they can recycle which is great.

I've found some items I can sell of eBay or Vinted and I can arrange to do that later this week.  It will enable me to clear the decks, create space and try not to fill it up again!  There's a problem with getting rid of stuff but I think I can get over that now.  "This will be useful!" is possibly true of many things but I think if I haven't used something since we moved here in 2017 then it is unlikely that I will use it.  So it can go and find a new owner. 

Also, Elephant eating!!  A little at a time is the preferred way of tackling this - not all at once.  I need to learn to do that.  

It's Just A Phase I'm Going Through

 I'm always going through a 'funny phase' if I am honest.  My mind moves too fast for me I'm always doing 60 in a 40 mph zone and coming to terms with not using it to solve complex problems is proving interesting times as what to do with the over capacity.  I am doing a large family history project at the moment using AI to allow me to drill and search through thousands of 17th Century documents (Bank Accounts and other Legal and historical documents) so I can turn to that and indeed I have a one year subscription on my family tree software and DNA searches so I can do stuff with that little and often.

But the busy me the work I did for the business has stopped. I knew it probably would as I set my self an exit strategy which was that if I hadn't sold any product then it wasn't going to be viable.  It's like throwing good money after bad as the saying goes and there are a set of parameters you need to document and measure against.  It is perhaps the only way to make you see with great clarity if you are going to achieve what you set out to do.  Once you've done this you then have no regrets and you minimize failure (a word that shouldn't have the sort of impact it does).  You know when to stop, when to give up or continue based on actual data and the real world.

Many people try and continue on and then failure really does come as a shock and the impact on you is worse.  With measurable goals to check against, dates and what success or failure look like you can decide based on real world information.  You also get to understand why you have done something.

So having said all that, the end of the business actually takes away a large piece of your day-to-day life and you miss it.  I miss the intellectual challenge of learning new things.  The App market isn't like selling widgets down the hardware store nor like the large scale businesses I was involved in.  Indeed the problems were compounded with lockdowns and other roadblocks and in a way I'm glad it didn't become a success as at least I don't have to give anything to this destructive government so they can waste it.  I am however, missing the challenges and the work along with most other aspects of the business.  I am very unlikely to get involved in any further work along these lines and so I've arrived at that fork in the road everyone talks about.

Athletes at retirement have to train down I remember meeting Sir Steve Redgrave and Matthew Pinsent at a big event.  I cannot even begin to tell you how physically big these guys are they are enormous but one of them, during their talk was explaining how they need to spend years (yes years) training down because if they just stopped it would have massive health problems for them and so they gradually come down from this peak performance to protect their bodies and their heart health.  Whilst I have done less full-time work, I have been running the businesses for a number of years - I shut one after Covid and the other one now.  So it's all ended and you forget that you actually always seem to be on the job, your mind is working and processing things, working out strategies and doing what if analysis.  Then there's documenting it all, working on plans, risk management and mitigation, financial control. legal and other things and with the click of your fingers - that's all stopped.

So life is interesting as it now changes and I do feel it.  The pressure is off, the tasks are all stopped.  Just a few letters to write and a few forms to fill in and that's it.  At least summer is on its way (hard to believe with the current cold weather) and so that should permit me to get outside and do a lot of the things I want to.  The change is going to do me good as the song goes.  It's just strange being in this situation.  I know that I am feeling better already and I just hope that I can convert that into enjoying my life rather than riding into battles every few weeks and stressing over legal and financial stuff.  Here's hoping!

Twenty Years Ago Already

My friend and I met up for our occasional Breakfast get together and the local market was on which meant we could have a quick glance around and I bought a Simnel Cake (Simnel cake is a fruitcake associated with Lent and Easter and widely eaten in the United Kingdom, Ireland and countries with patterns of migration from them. It is distinguished by layers of almond paste or marzipan, typically one in the middle and one on top, and a set of eleven balls made of the same paste.)

I haven't had one of these for more than 15 years I guess.  The 11 marzipan balls are arranged in a circle on top, representing the loyal apostles of Jesus. These balls symbolize the disciples minus Judas Iscariot, who betrayed Jesus. 

So we both bought one from the market and then had breakfast when my friend said that it was 20 years ago that he was made redundant and of course it was 20 years ago that I started my wonderful job of a life time and of course, both of us, in the July were undergoing Cancer treatment. 

It is a distant memory and we don't really talk much about it but as July comes into view we both get the odd flashback or just feel strange around that time of year.  I tried to summarize this blog at one time and worked on it but actually I made myself very uneasy and had to stop.  There's only so many reenactments of treatments that you can endure and the human brain is great at forgetting things that should be forgotten.  

But twenty years hardly seems possible.  

All Fools' Day

 The Prime Minister (checks notes) will address the nation but if like me, you think he's a complete idiot, you don't watch it and find out later what he's said.  Whatever drugs he and his cohorts are on, I'd like some because they have no idea what is happening.  

My/our heating oil has more than doubled in just a few weeks, I bought a bar of chocolate for my partner and it was £4.15 - which considering it was only £2 or so the last time I bought some - and it wasn't that long ago brought home to roost the cost of living crisis (as they call it).  100% increases in things is just one of the problems we have.  Today all things go up, Broadband, Council Tax and so on.They say we are reducing your energy bills.  But of course all they are doing is offsetting the tax to main stream taxation.  Petrol and Diesel have increased a fair amount too but that's OK because the tax and Tax on tax (VAT) will rake in huge sums for the Exchequer.  

It wasn't so long ago that we had a similar problem with shortages and high prices but that was the usual foot shooting, getting panic buying going which was a nuisance and no one learns anything - again and again and again.  So the Muppets will come up with some sort of stupid plan and it will benefit those already on benefits and those that work will no doubt be penalized even more. That's socialism for you - eventually they run out of other people's money!  Here we are yet again and no one did anything to future proof things.  We have our own Oil and Gas but we prefer to import it.  Our energy is the most expensive in the world and industries are relocating or shutting down.  They proclaim and order things about Electric Cars not fully understanding that you need the infrastructure to support them and more importantly cheap, plentiful electricity.

Some point to China saying they have the largest electric vehicle take up in the world.  They probably do but why?  Once again, they invested in a huge electricity grid improvement, they have cheap, plentiful and reliable electricity.  The laugh in the UK is the proclamation that we will be the top AI Data-centre in the world.  No chance at all..  Not unless you stick a modular reactor next to each one.  They require massive amounts of electricity and water in some cases.  The country needs to double its generating capacity.  Not going to happen.  But, renewables they say.  Well it is April Fools' Day after all and they do not realise that you still need gas generation backup for all so called renewables.  On the days when it isn't windy or it isn't sunny then you soon run out of Unicorn farts. 

Utter blind philistine pig ignorance - career politicians with no world experience and who do not see that they are the very people killing the industries we rely on, making us poorer and weaker.  Pathetic slime balls the lot of them.

I should be worried about the train crash incoming but it is probably more masochistically enjoyable to see it all collapse in on itself in slow motion whilst they blink not understanding what has happened. 

Lightened Mood

 I caught myself, whistling and generally being cheerful this morning and then realised that my mood must have lifted if I am being up beat like that.  I haven't been like that for quite a long time and it proved to me that I was getting back to my old self.  I had a period of this after I left my Ex when I'd got over the upheaval of that I became light hearted and realised then that my modd was changing and I cannot tell you when things got bad here but bad they have been with me not wanting to go out and not wanting to do anything, I'd say that was probably brought about at Covid time - can you believe that's 6 years ago now that they locked us away like criminals? I hope the people haven't forgotten - I certainly haven't forgotten or forgiven what they did to us all.

But today my mood is lighter, I feel better and empty not filled up with heaviness and weighed down by it.  It is strange and quite nice at the same time.  It's great and whilst I still have a way to go, it does clear the way now to properly spend my time sorting out so many things that I have left undone or just not got around to doing. 

I Suppose That's It - It's All Over

 That middle bit of your life, from leaving school to retiring, that phase is well and truly over now.  The hard work and greasy pole are behind me and there's a bit or regret to deal with.  There was little glamour to be had when I was an Apprentice learning my trade but I was a specialist and so I went on to do some amazing things and surfed the big waves riding on the inexorable rise of the microprocessor and programmable logic controllers up through PCs and software development and then on to global change programmes.  Right at the cutting edge of IT.  It's been a ride and in a way, in my own way, there was the glitz and glamour of all the travel and the high powered work I did.

This final whimper of a project where once again the self fulfilling prophecy brought about by big Egos and a complete disregard for process, ROI and risk management indicates that things don't appear to have changed mush.  All my life I've been the Code Red guy, parachuted in to work out what went wrong and then attempt to fix it.  

I've worked with all sorts from the unbelievably brilliant to the complete numpty promoted to high office was ahead of their ability who preside over massive failures and then act as if they knew the remedy all along.  Quite how they get to the high positions and remain there is again way beyond my pay grade.  I know that soon they will "ran out of skill and road" as the Police say.  How often that happens.  

I really enjoyed those hard problems, dealing with people from all round the world and I enjoyed what I term to be the glamour of specialized speaking events, high level business consultancy and getting things done, novel thinking and the travel (although that's not always great) in business class or above the 4 start hotels and visiting almost exclusively in Europe some great places.  A good salary, nice car, expenses and training.

But now that's gone of course. That period of my life is behind me and only now am I letting go of it.  My business interests will soon be next to nothing and that will be a good thing but whoa, this adjustment to life without those challenges and pressures is in itself, it's own endeavour. 

I said in an earlier post that I feel a weight has lifted from me and indeed that is so.  The unease remains a little but I am dealing with that as the stress levels dissolve.  Soon, even though I expect the last push back, it will be over and the strain and the pressure I feel both physically and mentally will continue to fade into a past memory.

I have lots of things to do to keep me busy but they are not glamorous or fun but I will tackle each with a new perspective and trust that I will enjoy them once I get started.  

Here We Are, It's Spring

 I can not be alone in welcoming the light?  The longer days, the warmth of the Sun, the blooming of the Hedgerows and budding of the trees and our spring forward as the time changes from GMT to BST (British Summer Time).

I find Autumn and Winter quite depressing and it is fair to say that it hasn't been helped by this project and business journey and the levels of abuse I have been subjected to.  I find it, soon to be behind me, to have been the very worst kind of human behaviour, disgusting and narcissistic, unjustified, selfish and downright nasty.  I, like most people have a certain pride in what I do and in my professionalism.  Having that questioned, threatened with legal action by someone who's business knowledge could be writ on the back of a small postage stamp!

My INTJ brain does not process stupidity, selfishness, ignorance and ad hominem attacks because what's the point of these when you are running a business that is thoroughly documented and has only been affected by the constant unnecessary changes to the development (despite having those consequences explained).  A delay of around 8 years through these actions and then the ceremonial "Throwing the Toys out of the Pram" event followed by the ugliest attacks on me.  Why?  Apparently because after all these years, he "thought" I'd made fun of him?  Honestly, that was what it appeared to have boiled down to.

So all of that has drained me and I am almost free of that so I feel that it is a fresh start at the moment.  There's not much more he can do - although I wouldn't put it past him to try something stupid - he's already done that of course.  But I need to remind myself that I have all the paperwork and he still hasn't worked out the difference between me and the business.

Anyway, I no longer have that gloom hanging over me and I am getting used to working on my own things now.  I have had no contact since I sent off the Accounts and as they are matter of fact  - there shouldn't be any issues.  I imagine there might be some noise when the close down of the business is announced but by then it will have been closed for sometime and be matter of fact.

So as this fades away - I need to get on with my life and Spring is the perfect time to do that n'est pas? 

Parkinson's Law

 "Work expands to fill the time available for its completion". Coined by Cyril Northcote Parkinson in 1955, this principle explains why tasks often take longer than necessary: if you allocate two weeks for a two-hour task, the task will likely consume the full two weeks.

My time as a Programme / Project Manager was filled with explaining this and things like the Mythical Man-Month.  The Mythical Man-Month was a series of Essays on Software Engineering and project management by Fred Brooks first published in 1975, with subsequent editions in 1982 and 1995. Its central theme is that adding manpower to a software project that is behind schedule delays it even longer.

And at the moment - I am falling into the trap that I used to lecture on and practised when I was doing Code Red recoveries of failed projects.  It's funny because I know that I am doing it and like many others, I am happily letting work slide knowing full well that I will pay for it in stress and looming milestones!

Time slips one day at a time and it is so easy to let it slide and ride and then all of a sudden, you've got to do something about it.  

I am conscious that I've had 9 years of abuse in reality from people who have no idea what it takes to get things done and who appear to have forgotten everything I taught them about business, finance, risk and marketing, sales and modern internet based business.  Now that is ending I've made myself unwind and try and forget about it.  The result is that other things that I should be doing are in the backseat with the other, "I can do that later" stuff.  

I need the break and I need the space to get over the trauma (and I think that is the right word) especially in the last year and a half that I've been subjected to.  It doesn't go away either, it should but in face it fades and like the tides comes lapping back in to remind you even though there's not much left to say or do about it now.  Taking time off is therapeutic and necessary so maybe I will have to live with the short term stress of hitting deadlines on my own tasks as I slowly recover from all the other nonsense?  

I just need to remind myself to "eat my own dog food!" as the phrase goes and practice what I preach. 

Trust Me, A Trip To The Dentist And Hairdresser

Chipped my tooth or lost a filling on Tuesday, rang up and they could see me this morning which was a result.  Mind you the car park was pretty full which surprised me, it is not normally and you can always get a space.  The car park bays were freshly pained and I managed to squeeze my SUV into a small space, pay and go on my ways.

 I now find out that the new Sainsburys was opening so the great and the good, our MP and Council leaders were there and I can see why there were son many Sainsburys Hessian bags in the High street!

The Dentist and I came to an arrangement about the tooth.  Ideally she wanted a 45 minute reconstruction and that proved quite expensive and as I said to her, I have heating oil and council tax bills hitting at the same time so we compromised on a bit of patchwork and I need to go discuss what to do going forward.

I then went and got my hair cut and the nice lad that did it was about to ring up and asked me, if I didn't mind, how old I was and so I got an OAP cut for £13 rather than £20.  As I said to him giving him the change from £15 as a tip "Well, there are advantages to getting old".  

I have to not eat on the side with the filling for 24 hours and so I've bought some crumpets and hot X buns for today only!

The sun is out, it is cold though but other than that - all is well.

Settle Down Now, Settle Down

 If you recall, and probably only if you are from the UK, was the catch phrase of the late Ken Goodwin - the nervous comedian.  Where he used to urge the audience to... Settle down.  

I use it on myself all the time now as I slowly come to grips with losing the load off my shoulders and my head and work out what on earth I am going to do with myself now that the business has ceased?  I get quite, upset isn't the right word, maybe disturbed by the utter cr@p I have been through to all intents and purposes, doing the right thing. Old fashioned I know but I was brought up to do do these things.  Even if the other bloke was giving me a hard time, I was still the Director of the business and I had an obligation to the business and the other shareholders not just to him.  No one seemed to appreciate that at all.  The work I did, complying with the business's obligations was what I was expected to do.

I like that they felt there was no obligation to pay me off - I guess not one of them know about employment law and all this nonsense was going on just because I was doing my job!

So I don't know why I feel anxious about that when I should know better.  By that I mean, if it ever was presented before a tribunal it would be thrown out at the first stage.  but I guess constant attacks and mud throwing take their toll.  Back in my youth I imagine I would have landed the stupid arse a punch and had done with it.  You can't do that now and you really couldn't do it back then but life was a lot different 50 years ago for sure.

The worst of all behaviours and the throes of a stupid old man who threw his toys out of the pram and then set about painting himself into a corner that eventually he could not get out of.  The last throw of the dice was just that and in his rush to discredit me he failed to consider what moves I had already undertaken to protect the business.  Of course he called me a load of names about it but the fact of the matter was he was blinded by rage and had no idea what he was going to do had he succeeded in getting rid of me.  The business would have been destroyed overnight and he would have overseen the company being insolvent by the end of the day.  But that didn't happen, he sulked off which is great.

I should take no pleasure in telling him that we completed his project, put it to market and no one bought it at all.  Despite targeted advertising there was zero interest.  That surprised me a bit I have to say but there you have it.  So close it down having tried everything in my power to get it to market, defend his constant attacks, beat off his takeover of the company which for his own benefit would have landed him in such deep water personally and I suppose I would have been able to take him and his shareholder conspirators to tribunal for just about every set of reasons available, wrongful dismissal, non payment of money due to me, no notice period and on and on we go....

But here we are, in my own heart of hearts I know I have done all the right things, I have all of the company meeting notes, plans and so on, showing the moves that have been made and the work that has been done, what has been achieved and of course got it to market and so on. Whilst I know I have done everything and more that could have been asked of me this evil vindictive old man has made my life hell and I am still affected by it for no reason.  It's the sort of coercive control type thing but he has ended up with nothing and it must have cost him a fortune to pay for solicitor's letters and the like.  

I'm trying to think how I an explain him to you.  When I first met him he was an eccentric Englishman with an interesting proposition but no ideas how to get it across the line or even start.  He reminds me of Gollum or perhaps Bilbo in the Lord of the Rings where suddenly, they turn from being pleasant into demons.  That's how I think of him.  Twenty or thirty years ago I could hold my own against bullies and yet now, not so much - it really has got to me and dealing with an unpleasant, ignorant, intransigent thug stresses me more than I can say and this level of stupidity appears to know no bounds.

It is of course his problem but I think that my own issue is that I take exception to be called unprofessional,  accused of doing things illegally and just reading his pages of lies.  He's a sick minded guy and has caused me enough grief which I don't need.  I hope that I am climbing out of the rut I have built for myself and in all seriousness I hope he rots in hell! 

Learned Behaviour - Pavlov's Dogs - Me?

 This getting used to being on the way to unburdened and dare I say free (as much as you can be in our current socialist utopia) is actually difficult.  Whilst it hasn't been continuous, the way that this bloke with a grudge has fired off at me for accepting his resignation and withdrawal from the project has left a back of my mind concern every time I do something I expect the hurl of abuse like before but now I think it is going to have to be, if anything, the last word letter.  It was last time and so I expect it now but there is, in reality nothing he can do.  What he may feel he can do is now seriously limited and it would be like arguing with rock.

If he does complain to the authorities then he will have to 1). Have something to complain about and 2). Have something concrete to show them.  Neither of which he has of course.  He has no documentation to speak of and that he has is my response to his accusations which destroy his assertions and of course, I still have the very original letter where he distances himself entirely from the project.  And who is going to arbitrate this considering I offered arbitration and he refused?  The other thing is that unless he has sound paperwork to go to the authorities with - he will be treated to a polite direction towards the door. 

If the company has had its Accounts duly prepared by Chartered Accountants and accepted by Companies House and HMRC then there's not much ground to his hearsay and invisible evidence.

I convince myself that if he did any of this, he'd find his way blocked and whilst it may be reviewed initially it will be found to run out of steam at the first hurdle.

So I am pretty confident about all of this logically and yet he is not logical and that's my worry.  Having seen his previous meandering, accusatory and circular ramblings what could he do next?  The answer I know is that it is not a lot.  There is nothing he can do and that should be that.  The business is no more and I just need to follow the process and have done with it.  

I can feel and taste freedom.  Yesterday on a whim we went out to lunch and I do feel much better but I suppose these fears and dreads I have are that he cuts up rough but once again to do and achieve what?  There is nothing more he can do.  There's no money left, the business is dead and that's that.  RIP the business.  

So I realise this is some sort of problem I have, I expect this bloke to be an arse, to send me his solicitor's letters and that's annoying but what can he do now, why would he even want to?  Why am I dreading the post, why is it disturbing me so much?  It's a tiny company, not some multi million dollar corporation.  Shutting it down SHOULD be an end to it all.  It is what it is, there is no logical reason to counter it or try and do anything about it.  Yet still my mind is whirling with all those possibilities and it's not fair or reasonable, it belittles all the work I have done to actually get the idea to market.  That it failed the final test and nobody actually bought it, tells the ultimate truth.  Customers voted with their wallets and not one sale happened.  That's absolute proof that whilst they downloaded it - they did not want to part with cash to purchase it.  

That absolute is the bottom line and still I worry that he will complain but you know that's me.  It will be over soon and there will be no need to worry about it at all.  He can do what he wants I guess.

I have to get over this which is taking a little time.  18 months of the abuse from this guy has taken its toll on me but let's get past this and have done with it and I need no longer worry about him and his cronies ever again.  I get short bursts of freedom and I am going to expand on these in the coming months as I regain my freedom and start living a retired life.  That's the plan but I am sure I will keep circling back here but hopefully with less frequency and less stress in my head.  He isn't worth it. 

It's All Gone Quiet - What's Wrong?

 The lull before the storm, perhaps?  Run out of breath, maybe? I hope that it is they've run out of ideas and as they don't know what is coming next, they're waiting to see.

Accounts for last year are now sent and these, being about 9 months on from the accounting date are probably meaningless to my detractors.  I enjoyed posting them off and producing the shortest covering letter to go with them.  

The next accounts they will see are the ones that show the demise of the business and close down which has in effect already happened.  I have to work out whether to say anything about them in a detrimental way - I could get a point across if I really wanted to.  But the real talking point will be to show that the business made no money at all, not a cent :-)  I have all the defending paperwork on what we did to market and sell the product and an astute reader would probably work it out from those.  At the back of my mind I'd like to explain what happened and show the figures to prove that I spent time and money to achieve a phenomenal number of views, visits and downloads and yet despite that, not one person looked to buy it.

I think that is perhaps worth me keeping to one side and bringing out should anyone try and dish the dirt on me.  They probably can say something but they haven't got anything to go at me for considering the way they treated me last year.  Siding with your friend to mount a hostile takeover and not reading the company specifics and ignoring the facts right in your face and then losing your motion should have alerted them to something you would have thought.  After shooting down each of the assertions with logical and business argument you'd have thought one of them would have at least asked why they were doing this? The reality was that I had a logical and data backed answer for each of the points which were adhominem and not business, contractual or legal arguments but hurtey feeley nonsense.

Shortly they will receive a letter stating that the business has breathed it last dying breath and has already ceased trading.  They have 2 months to argue that case with Companies House.  I have already told them and the individual on many occassions that if they have a case, then they should have the relevant paperwork or agreements or something else to back up their assertions and that they should provide copies of such.  Of course they don't have these things, not at all and so, if they should go to Companies House, the strike off may be delayed but as they do not have any evidence for their assertions, there might be a slight delay whilst they ask for the necessary paperwork, as it doesn't exist and there is no money in the bank from zero sales it won't go far.

I am dreading what these people may do but there actions are limited or doomed to failure.  I look forward to seeing it all disappear and that they never darken my door again.

Here We Are, Sunday, A Day Of Rest - Supposedly

 Yesterday it started to feel a little more real as I was able to spend a little time out on the balcony just sitting, with a cold beer (I know I shouldn't) and enjoying the sun, a very little breeze and listen to the birds and other sounds around me.

It's good for you and as long as the phone isn't buzzing and bonging then everything is OK.  The birds were getting excited and there's nest building going on.  The Pheasants are making their (almost) Turkey like cries and I have no idea what the Jackdaws were up to, a huge flock were noisily making their way between the fields at the back here.

Living in the country is what we aspired to and I got to appreciate it more yesterday. Which brings us to today, Sunday and it's not quite so sunny and it sure is cold but everyday the morning and evening times are getting lighter, it seems to happen so quick that I was moaning about how dark it was in the mornings and how quickly it all closed in in the afternoon and here we are, in a week we will be turning the clocks forward!

I've been working on a new project to do with my family history which involves going through thousands of banking ledgers from around the time of the Great Fire of London.  They are an amazing record of the trade happening around the time of the Restoration.  My merchant ancestors appear fleetingly in these records as do their neighbours and wider family.  It is interesting but it is heavy work going through the many thousands of accounts and trying to work out who is who and how the wheels of the Merchant classes worked.  Gold and Silver bullion, metals, produce and the inter connections are all intertwined in a surprising dance together with the trivial there are glimpses of the rebuilding of London, the various Guilds, the Lord mayor, Aldermen and then there are Naval records and so on.  It's quite an undertaking but also quite enjoyable too.

I do feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I don't have this tension and stress induced tightness around my chest anymore.  If I need to take a break, I can grab a coffee and just wander out into the garden or up to the balcony and let the world drift on around me.  The difficulty is that I have always been running at 90 miles an hour and this sudden deceleration and a need to be "Doing things" is challenging as we probably aren't meant to live that way.  

Making room to do other things is perhaps my next mission.  I have my Drones, cameras, family history to name but a few things to occupy my time and mind.  The struggle is changing 50 (or more) years of doing stuff or other people.  I need to be doing things for myself including taking it easy and leaving a gap for nature, peace and quiet, some real R&R. 

The Journey, The Drift, Missing Links

Browsing through Facebook and LinkedIn I can see people from my past and I suppose I could drop them a message and see how they are but I don't and neither do they drop me a line.  I have very few close friends and that's probably to do with whether these people are 'true' friends or acquaintances, work colleagues or some other connection.  I've been disappointed it would be fair to say and people are net users of my time and my generosity of character and of my money too.  Sure I'd help out someone in time of need but the problem is that they are very forgetful, perhaps they have some sort of dementia and any obligation once they've gotten back onto their feet again soon evaporates and disappears.

So it was this morning that I remembered someone who I was close to - we hung around together and we used to spend time with each other, I'd help out and we'd often meet in London, Glasgow and so on and then he moved away and whilst I stayed in contact for a while, it faded into the distance.  Last Christmas I send a card and this time didn't receive one back.  That seems to be the way it goes and having said that I will be seeing an old colleague next month which will be great, he lives way down towards the coast and lives in a lovely village where he is now integrated into the community and I have to say his location is idyllic and he has all those sorts of things you'd want a lovely old house, a lot of land, the village pub and church are withing a minutes walk.  It will be nice to meet up again, we worked together in Wiltshire, Bedfordshire and quite a bit in London too.  

But as I look back I see this drift in and out, this coming and going of these relationships and it is strange how that happens.  One day you are hardly out of each other's pockets and then, for whatever reason, you never see them again.  I recall starting a new job some distance away and being right in the thick of it trying to establish myself and sort out the various offices I was in charge of and my life was erased, I only met one or two of those old colleagues from my previous life (for I had changed career from Electrical Engineering to full on IT and Software development, global change and so on).  It took me around Europe and the UK.

There are a couple of people that I'd like to have kept in touch with but it was too late to track them down.  For two or three years I'd worked with this great lady and we'd travelled around together and regularly travelled home together and so that was a bit of a regret I suppose.

Anyway, it was just this life journey and these short or long interactions and unbeknown to you, one day you are great friends or work colleagues and then you never see or hear from them again, the drift sets in and you each continue on your own journey.  

Apprehension & Stress Levels Slowly Fading Away

 It really did upset me, these past 18 months or so with all the stress caused by someone who made a rash and hasty decision and then started to go to war with me because things didn't turn out the way he wanted them to.

I am and I am not glad that I took his idea through to its conclusion and I could well have at the time he walked away shut it all down.  That would probably have been a good thing I suppose but no, I was left as the Director in charge of a business that's mission was to get this thing over the line and for good or bad see if the public warmed to it.  Well we know that they didn't and for whatever reason, no one bought it.  Plenty downloaded and tried it but no one bought it.  The only course of action was to close it down and that's where we are now.

I felt quite stressful about doing that but actually, that's what has to happen - there's no money, the thing isn't selling and the only course of action is to shut it down.  Which I have now commenced.

Still I feel that this bloke would be demanding something - I have no idea what that might be but he can now go and fight with Companies House when that comes to it or to The Chartered Accountants organization and see how far he gets with that. Not far I'd hazard a guess and if anyone wants to see the Company records then they'll actually see the nonsense that has happened but of course, there is nothing on the business side.  There's no money left and creditors are well, me!

Anyway, as the days tick by I am feeling less anxious and a lot calmer than I have been.  Just winding things up and archiving it all is therapeutic and soon it will all be a done deal.  Let's hope so!  

Anyway, things are gradually improving and with it my mood, this and with Spring and lighter days and evenings lifts my mood a day at a time.  I actually notice the lightness of my mood and that encourages me for better times ahead. 

Levels Of Incompetence Off The Scale

 For someone who worked in a risk managed way for my whole career I observe with jaw dropping incredulity the pathetic thrashing about of our governing classes.  There's no plan, not even now, to protect the citizens of this country from the ongoing impacts of the crisis in the Middle East and prices have rocketed and yet we are told just 25% of the world's oil and gas products come from this area!  So that means that 75% comes from elsewhere I suppose?  

In an effort to cool the planet by 0.0001 Degrees C our successive Governments have blown up power stations, stopped exploration, stopped fracking, poured concrete down wells and we have the highest energy prices in the world, yes in the world and all so we can worship at the alter of Net Zero and change the climate by making ourselves poorer and bankrupting the country!  

Under our feet are huge gas deposits and out in the North Sea are fields of Oil and Gas and we make it almost impossible to drill or explore for new stuff,  huge taxes on producers have put many thousands out of work and affected industry so that we don't really have anything left.

We rely on others for our fuel and also interconnects to keep the lights on and no one sees the bleeding obvious where one Minister talks about getting 40+ AI Server centres and the other increases the scarcity and price of the fuel needed to run them.  Forty Five of these would require a doubling of capacity of what we have now!   There are no plans just talk, no idea of the level of investment required and no relaxing of taxes on those who want to build them.  How can they be so thick?  Why are they so stupid?  They just cannot connect one thing with the other.  They tackle one thing and make the rest worse, then they tackle that and it still gets worse and they have absolutely no idea why.

The level of ignorance and incompetence really is off the scale. We can see it logically and clearly but somehow they don't see it at all, they have no idea, no planning, no direction.  The trouble is, like every socialist government before them, they run out of other people's money, they destroy whole industries and the country is left in ruins to be picked up by people who need to do difficult things to fix it.

I can't see there's much left and it's coming up to two years of this utter shambles and people can hardly afford to live.  The hierarchy of needs is skewed and the gulf between the haves and have nots grows, patience wears thin and trust even thinner.  

The cost to heat my house has more than doubled and food and other bills have also exploded after 2020.  Meanwhile the government pisses on us tell us it's raining.  

Interesting Prospect Upcoming

 The rise in Oil Heating Oil (Kerosene) is going to be problematic.  Why, I hear you ask? well unlike other fuel / energy Gas and Electric - you pay in advance and generally you future buy 3 to 6 months worth and it isn't a monthly in arrears transaction.  In my case it has gone from around 55p +VAT at 5% per litre and you have to order a minimum of 500 litres.  In a couple of weeks since the Iran conflict it has risen to £1.34 +5% per litre!

Considering I get just over £1,000 per month for my pension to fill 500 litres would take around 70% of that in one hit.  Sure it will last me 3 months maybe but consider that just last month it would have been 28% of my pension and you can see what an impact this will have.

Ah ha I hear you say but the Government are going to put £53 Million into a pot so we can be helped out.  Yes but I'd probably have to be on some form of benefit to get any assistance so it's probably not going to happen.  Bring back Covid lock down when it was 18p a litre and we could fill our socks LOL  No, not really but look at the jump in price.

Anyway, I suppose it is lucky it is coming into Spring and Summer when we use less.  I do feel sorry for those who's budgets are shot to pieces by this conflict though.  If only we had our own resources in the UK?  Wait, what? You poured concrete into the well heads, blew up the power stations and raised taxes to the point where it was economical to supply our won fuel and you stopped any further exploration deeming it better to buy the stuff extracted from the very same fields via Norway.

Foot shooting in extremis by successive politicians / governments who clamber for our votes.  Complete tossers the lot of them.  Luckily though, they aren't affected by their own decisions! 

Off We Jolly Well Go

 So the company accounts are completed and approved, signed off and delivered.  Sending them off to the Shareholders - I wonder what they'll make of them?  Of course these are from last year - they do not know that the business has effectively closed and that will become evident in a few weeks time when I will once again and I hope, for the final time, write to tell them.  

I felt a little nervous printing it all off to be sent but then again, it is what it is and they can go argue with the Accountant if they want.  I suppose they could argue with me but that will go nowhere and maybe they can try some other nonsense but let's see what happens.  I think one of them will kick off but it's no use kicking off with me as to all intents and purposes the company is no more, isn't trading and will soon not have a bank account or anything.  Good luck with that sonny Jim.  I have taken just about enough sh1t from him anyway and it's a shame that we can't settle this in the old fashioned way you know, like a duel of something LOL.  Frankly back in the day for being that annoying to me I think I would have set to and verbally abused him and then I recall that actually I did verbally abuse him!  He completely deserved that of course.

Anyway we are on the slope away now and that I hope will end this bitter nastiness.  People are strange when they fulfil their self fulfilling prophecies.  They self destruct and then blame everyone except themselves!  Well good riddance to bad rubbish!  

An Awkward Conversation With Mum

 My brother is an interesting character he's far more "emotional" than I am and added to that he reacts differently.  It was Mother's Day yesterday and I spoke to my mum on this video link I set up with here - years ago and so we see each other like that most of the time.  She was a little bit down and as she said, she's getting close to 89 now and I think she is doing great for her age but she is having ore mobility issues and so the flat has been upgraded with aids to help her get about.  The main problem is her joints are extremely painful and so every now and again she gets down and I think I would too as it takes ages to get dressed and to go anywhere.

So after I'd spoken to her my brother called me and was pretty upset that she was behaving differently and was so down - I can only guess that a few of her phrases were shocking to him but he should know her.  She's just in pain a lot.  He didn't take my Dad's death too well either and that's just the way he is.  Anyway I spoke to her again today and she was feeling a lot better and it was just a low blip as anyone might have as your mobility goes away from you and you become more conscious of it.  

It's not difficult for me just to ask my mum how its going and how is she and all that.  I'm going to arrange to go up and see her a bit more often as the cr@p of the business disappears away from my day to day.

I'm just waiting for the Accountant now so I can sort out the death throes of the business.  Once done I am free of all the rubbish and can walk away from it.  It's been a week and I am happily not involved in its administration apart from the paperwork to close it down.  Hurrah!  

A Little Outing Yesterday

 We meet 6 times a year and it was nice to go out for lunch and just enjoy the company of some friendly people.  Fascinating to be with people who are around 20 years older than us and listen to their trials and tribulations and realise that, I suppose, I'll be there soon!  They are around my mother's age I'd guess, late 80s.  

It was nice to get out and have a meal and a few zero alcohol Guinness which is possible one of the best low alcohol beers.  I though this would be nice to do it a bit more regularly and I've already set up a meeting with an old colleague of mine in April that I am looking forward to immensely.

 Here, in stupid land, we watch the government of the day continue to lie and weasel their way around things and all the time, we watch the utter levels of denial expressed by these people and the complete lack of disaster or risk planning available.  The Chancellor was faced with GDP growth figures of 0.1% for January and with all the turmoil in the Middle East  said something along the lines of "Our economic strategy is beginning to bear fruit" or some such other bollocks.  Our heating oil has more than doubled in 2 weeks.  That's doubled to way over £1.25 or more per litre, plus VAT at 5% and I paid close to 50p just a month or so ago!  Petrol and Diesel too have risen and so there's going to be an impact to the economy, even I can tell you that LOL.  We closed down most of our capabilities to be self sufficient in energy and as usual, the need to be seen to be cutting carbon (FFS) outweighs the safety and security of the very people who you are meant to keep safe and secure. 

I suppose they don't see it coming and just keep bring in ideas that piss off the electorate, make it difficult for us to live or earn a living, our bills have doubled and if I fill up my heating tank today that will be half, YES half of my pension this month just for 500 litres of fuel.  Actually it will be 2/3 rds of my pension just for heating in my house! 

In other news, the gale force winds and the rain were horrendous yesertday and the phone went off at about 00:30 this morning.  When I answered they were giving us advance notice that a power cut was imminent.  It did come eventually some 30 minutes later.  Luckily I have UPS sets for the computers and servers but the PC draws so much it switched off before I could, wake up, find a torch and struggle downstairs.  The Servers though were fine so at least I didn't have the surge problems we had a year and a bit ago!

Coming to terms with being a pensioner and being retired is funny - come on it's only day 4 LOL.  I have at least done something useful today with some finance spreadsheets and there's some Grand Prix action on TV later.  No doubt I'll be gawking at our useless PM and wondering whether he is lying every odd or every even word?  

Dismantling The Business

There isn't much to do in reality because it isn't a mega business, it has me in it, some shareholders, granted, but their input is minuscule, sub atomic in reality.  So there isn't much to close down.  A Bank Account, The websites, the emails, finalise the accounts, file those, do the Tax returns and switch off the lights on the way out.

There's a twinge of failure but I've documented everything I've done and dotted the "i"s and crossed the "t"s as the saying goes.  The contractual elements are few and sorted.  If you haven't got anyone buying your stuff, you haven't got a business and that's the bottom line, you cannot magic up stuff, you cannot argue with the situation because it is exactly what it is.  It's more profound than that even when the figures are reviewed.  In 5 months we didn't sell a thing despite over 180K views, circa 700+ Taps and 160+ downloads and no one wanted to buy it so it's a product not meeting the price-to-value expectation. 

You just know there's going to be someone who will try and argue about those figures - there always is.  But of course, they can argue but facts is facts.  

Anyway, all under way and it's quicker to tear it down than the 9 years its taken to build it.

How Utterly Bizarre

 Gosh, what a strange feeling.  I spoke to the Accountant this morning and worked out my timetable and suddenly, there's next to nothing left to do but wait.  My day after that has been empty - albeit I made some bread and wrote a few things down.  I suppose I'll get over this emptiness and not knowing quite what to do with myself.

It's a bit strange thinking what to do next because this has come as a bit of a shock.  There's some waiting to be done for sure and then a short burst of activity and that should be that, the business will close and everything can be archived and that's it.  It's not the first time I've shut a business down but it will be the last time I expect and this one is a little more complex but not overly so and I suddenly feel at a loss.  It's quite peculiar really.  I guess that happens in real life when you retire and stop working.

No doubt I will get used to it but for the moment it is a little disturbing to say the least.  I have things to do but I'm just not used to having the time and space to actually do them.  I hadn't really planned for this sudden loss of business activity.  

Who Did You Work With?

I came across a few names that reminded me of work colleagues of the past and it reminded me of how much I'd erased from my mind.  By that I mean when I was reminded I knew the names but not always where from.

I spent sometime, perhaps 14 or 15 years ago now destroying the past as I was finding it a real burden and my thoughts were all caught up with what I had and had not done.  One night I had had enough and somehow erased everything.  I imagine it is somewhere in this blog, I'd been reading either 'The Power of Now' or 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle and I'd got to a point that I no longer wanted all that baggage and bang that was it.  

If I get reminded of something I can remember parts of it but it no longer invades my mind like it used to.  An entry in a diary or the odd thought (I am writing an autobiography which triggers some things) and as I write this I recall someone I worked with in 1980! I need a name or picture to do this whereas I used to be able to tell you who I worked with but now it is only anecdotal based on specific memories good or bad.  The downside is that I look at people in old photos and struggle to recall who they were, why I took them and I should have labelled them really LOL. 

I think it is a good thing that my head is clear from all those years ago, you wouldn't have liked the utter turmoil and the constant regrets and what ifs that I went through before getting rid of it all.  It was bad and I occasionally get the flash backs and what ifs but recognize them for what they are and stop the thoughts short if I can.  Not always easy when something triggers it but at least it is very occasional now not all the time like it was.   

I Didn't Expect To Feel This Empty

 Now this is strange. I feel empty and of course, the thing that has occupied me is at an end.  I no longer need to be doing the daily advertising stuff I've done for about 3 or 4 months now nor all the other build up stuff, sales and marketing, competition analysis and so on.

Most of the things that need to be done are in process or I've done them.  A chat with the Accountant tomorrow and resolve what needs to happen to shut it all down, follow the process and hit the deadlines and there we are.  

But it is the looking around and not doing anything that is totally strange - after 9 years on this and other projects and there it is - space, emptiness and not being sure what to do with my mind and my hands :-)

I suppose I will get used to it.  It gives me time to do the things I wanted to do but procrastinated about LOL.  

Also strange that this bloke's crazy reactions to situations is a potential threat but I need to remember that he's the one with the problem, not me and I have the paperwork to throw back if he gets shirty again.  If that's all I have to worry about then it's no problems I suppose. 

New Day, New Dawn

 Maybe.  The deed is done and I've withdrawn to App from sale and closed down the website and so on. Contacted the Accountant which will take it to the next step and then we can shut it down and I can hopefully live happily ever after.

You just know that the other guy is going to be snidely about it but that's his problem.  It won't be mine - I've gone above and beyond to deliver his idea dodging his accusations and other libels too.

Anyway, that can all disappear and with it this last weird thing in my body and mind that tells me I owe people something.  It has been with me these past years that I somehow have them all on first call and "owe" them some sort of allegiance even though they never appear to owe me any?  As a Director, of course, I owe all the shareholders a duty of care and shortly that will be gone, thank God!

Then I owe allegiance only to myself.

As Nina Simone sang:

"Birds flying high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel 

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, yeah
It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life for me, ooh

And I'm feeling good!"

Yeah - roll on freedom from all this sh1t!      

Stroke Of A Pen

Well, an email actually and we are no longer trading and in the midst of shutting down the business.  A few clicks on the website portals and 9 year's work has been archived and that, as they say, is that.

My Accountant needs to call me back but other than that, the key elements have been disappeared - websites, shop fronts and so on.  That's the way it is and I'm hopeful that it shouldn't now be too difficult to move things on a bit and get to the end of this journey.

I feel that I have now done my bit and taken it to a logical conclusion.  There's no where to go with this anymore here but I am handing back all of the IP to it's rightful owner although through gritted teeth as he gave me (and might still do) a hard time after walking away from the project!  Oh well, it takes all sorts of course.

So there we have it, I did feel a slight wobble about it but then again.  It cannot continue making no money and that's a fact.  I have had to do what I have, end of.  He may not see it like that but he never understood some of the business side so maybe he won't understand this.  Unicorn farts and magic money trees do not occur in business.

The Day Before Tomorrow

 The inevitable decision approaches and it will be 5 months tomorrow and that neatness allows me to stop trading with 5 months data before me.  It probably isn't that important in all reality but it works in terms of my mind and how that operates.  It maybe OCD or ADHD or something but it's logical and neat in my mind.

I'll have the data to make this important decision and the whole thing looks scientific.  I'll produce a report and analytics (Get AI to help you with this bit) and it will prove positive that the market is not there.  There's been so much work that has gone into this that it should have a fitting postmortem / autopsy and a headstone.  It is there in case the other party should ever ask for it.  Hopefully he won't but it is there nonetheless.

Would it have ever reached the market had it been on time?  We will never know.  When I tell people not to fix things if they aren't broken it is for a very good reason.  When I said get it to market, if it sells then you can add new bits to it because customers are funding it but OH NO! they didn't listen and 8 years late is what you get and then only half a job too.  I actually have the original App on an old device and it is a tiny bit different to what we have now.  All that extra money and time got us.... nowhere but you can't reason with some people and you cannot change the past.  Here we are, another business that failed to get off the ground and that's the way of it.

My own business was killed by COVID and the bailing out of other businesses but not mine as it didn't qualify.  Having just invested 6 month advertising and marketing I was greeted with lock-down, no money and no customers as they were locked down too. It's just the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it.  It was going OK but not great but it was so heavily impacted that it never recovered as all of my seed money was spent with no business from that investment!  Hey ho.

So tomorrow morning and I imagine for a few days I will be taking the necessary steps to shut it down.  Basically you cease trading and that means exactly that. I need to back the business out of its arrangements and inform various people and secure the money we do have in the Bank and a series of actions.  It shouldn't take long as there isn't much there.

I feel OK about it, I've guessed this would be the outcome and I've invested some of my own money to prove it. In so far as it matters, the testing of the marketing system was necessary as I have now exhausted all avenues to make a go of it short of knocking on doors.  People are happy to download the App but not to pay for it.  A shame but the market decides not me.

And It Came To Pass

 There is a certain amount of worry that making a decision comes with and as I get older I get less courageous in my decisions and actions - not that I was particularly courageous when I was younger I guess.   

I have to make a decision about the business.  I know exactly what that decision is and yet there's a niggle at the back of my mind about it but there shouldn't be at all.  It is in fact the logical, rational and proper decision to make, to close the business.  It's not the pride of that either, there's no pride in losing money or trying to defy the forces of financial inevitability.  I just know that someone is going to kick off about it.  I suppose he can do that but in reality neither he nor I can stop the certainty that if the business carries on it will go insolvent and no one wants that.

So my fiduciary duty of care is to shut it down and to do that now (well on Monday).  It's done then and that's a fact.  I suppose people can argue about it but the facts from the data show that it will never make money and so that in itself could be tabled but why the hell should it be?  There's been no input from these people only the hurling of brickbats - I don't think they can really do anything as it stands.

At least this period of the journey will come to and end and then I can just tidy up the outstanding items and move on.