Slow But Steady Progress

 You know, it isn't that bad I tell myself.  I know people who are in a very bad place indeed and so in reality I am doing OK.  I'm Climbing out of the ugly nasty place I was in but it is still an effort I have to say.  The mind is a bastard sometimes when it gets into self destruct mode.  I dislike it in as much as I should know better and it's happened before but the relentless doom mongering is quite annoying to me.  I suppose it is catching it up to it's old tricks before they can get a hold on you.

I've had quite enough of it these past few years.  The worst scar of all is the claustrophobia, it is irrational of course but nonetheless it feels very real and it then brings on either an anxiety or panic attack.   I can of course take action if necessary on that. I can walk out of the room and excuse myself.  

So I rebuild slowly at my own pace.  The coming weeks will be the test.  

Retirement - Crept Up On Me - I Feel Ambushed

So much of what I am going through is down to suddenly retiring and unlike me, not having a plan to see what was coming and how it would affect me.  That added to the Legal (not Legal) shenanigans and the disgusting treatment from the business "partner" all added up to tip me over the edge.  Granted it's not that bad but some of the journeys through the depression have been horrific.

So here we are, retirement, what's that all about?  It was interesting to note that the ex business partner has started up a business on his own now.  That should prove a very interesting exercise for him now as he starts to deal with US and UK laws and attempts to get to market something that I know will not work.  If it was live for 6 months, got just 200 downloads in a 2 billion user market place and not one of those converted to a sale then as you can imagine, his work will be cut out for him.  I suppose I should wish him luck but I think I should wish him Karma instead.  He will very soon realise what level of administration will be required together with the legal gymnastics.

Funnily enough, it doesn't worry me and I'm not going to make a fuss about his new venture, he's been throwing money at it for many years and he will throw even greater sums of money at this and I imagine end up bitterly disappointed too.  He never was interested in the marketing and research I did nor the social media and IT side.  But as I said, not my problem it's all his now and it will be an education especially as he will now need to pay for the services that I did for free over the years. 

So I'm free now and free to do pretty much what I want but I have no plans at all and that is somehow, in and of itself, also stopping me making plans!  What does it all mean and how does one go from a full on working life to one of retirement and "leisure"?  I have no idea at all.  I just know I feel old, see the grim reaper on his way for me, am afraid and have lost my self confidence as well as any reason for existing as my purpose (yes I know it really isn't my purpose) disappeared with the closure of the business.

It is strange times as I come to terms with it but I had not expected to be shelled out like I am now and for it to have had such a drastic effect on my mental heath and well being as it has.  At least I am now able to realise this and start to reassemble my life as such.  There are things to do and be done - it just needs me to do them and not to worry that on a certain day when it is chucking it down with rain like today, it won't get done and I can do something else.  It's also OK not to be OK.

Today's task is to rationalise my clothes and throw out all the old ones, sell the unused ones and see what I have got (or not).   

The (Very) Slow Road To Recovery

You, of course, do not wake up and find yourself cured and back to 'normal' not at all.  Like you don't lose weight in a few weeks, it took a long time to get to where you are and it will take a long time to recover back to acceptable (not normal) weight.  Such that you are not asshamed of your body as such.

The small steps matter though and this morning even though we had lashing wind and rain overnight I slept through waking just twice and only once of those to get up as the other was a with a very heavy rainfall pounding on the roof.

This is a small step for me and one that I can point to as an achievement of sorts.  It's so much better than a week or two ago.  I hope that continues.

Apart from a beer a week ago and a non alcoholic beer I am now around 50+ days alcohol free. That in itself is also a great achievement.  I fancied a beer last week and so had one and I wasn't actually that bothered by it.  That is another small step forward and much as I might miss it, it is now occasional rather than a daily occurrence.  

I feel better in my head and is my physical body.  My clothes now start to hang loosely about me and my trousers can suddenly want to fall down.  

So these small steps can be viewed as steps of progress for me encouraging further efforts and achievements.

The Good And The Bad Afternoon Out

 I noticed a few things when I went out and getting ready and driving to the venue were fine.  Meeting my friend and having a chat and explaining how I was feeling was good too and because it is a large venue, it was OK to go into it.  However, just before starting it was actually quite strange as I suddenly came over quite strange and didn't want to be there.  My breathing quickened and I felt the rising, let's call it anxiety attack for another word but it perhaps lasted no more than a few minutes as I deep breathed through it.

The meal was OK and driving home was better this time than it was last time too.

Overall it was a success and I got a good amount of sleep too. But, I was up about 45 minutes earlier than normal having slept through with one disturbed part where I was making some strange noises in my sleep but as soon as I adjusted I was able to fall straight back to sleep.

So a bit of a win in the first place but I did feel a little disturbed and uneasy.  So a little more work is needed.

Going Out Day Arrives - Will I Venture Out?

 The day has arrived and I am going to take myself off to the meeting and see my friend and hope that I have a good time and leave some of this "worry" behind.

My Cousin's wife called from NZ last night to say he had passed away on Monday.  That was a shock and my other cousin had ended up with Dementia and another has been sectioned after trying to end it all!  That was not a great telephone call across the world at all.  It was very sad indeed. Doubly sad as my daughter is due over to meet them in the New Year on her travels.

I guess that it put an idea in my head that all of my troubles are as naught really and that perhaps I can come around to accepting where I am.  It should be a salutary lesson in my head struggles.  Today I am getting rid of a load of "stuff".  A charity van is on its way to me and I have just packed a load of things up that have sat doing nothing for years and they can be reused and raise funds for charities.  They are doing me no good so they can go.

Now to sort out my clothes for the next one - I have a load of tropical clothes and I am not likely to use those or indeed fit them going forward! 

I am looking forward to going to the meeting and hopefully regaining my confidence in such situations!  Let's hope it starts well!

Not Sure What Is Wrong Overall Even Though I'm Getting There

 Don't look back they often tell you except once in a while it is probably worth a short review.  I did try and work on documenting my Bladder Cancer Journey, bringing close to 20 years into a book and it actually made me feel quite ill.  It dragged up old memories best forgotten, pain relived is not good and I wonder if I am partly carrying around that - I abandoned it when I got to the nastiness of the business issues the tribunal and so on.  Who needed that?

At the moment I am worried / anxious about going to events and meetings.  It sounds strange but it no longer interests me, fills me with dread and I just don't fancy it at all.  I have had this before of course and in July I got to one of the meetings and it was so hot that I could not go into the room.  I can of course choose not to do that.  It's irrational but claustrophobia is back and I dislike that more than I can say.

It plays on my mind but, of course, I can choose not to go.  This Wednesday I am going as a guest to a meeting to try and resolve that.  I know the guy I am going to be with and it is a large Lodge room and a large dining room so I should be OK with it.  It does take me right back to my early days with Bladder Cancer treatment when I would just get all anxious and want to leave the room.  A friend would help me breathe through it.

I need a plan for this and I'm not sure what to do about it at the moment. 

Pass Through Melt Down - That's Better

 Irrational fears I suppose - although it felt real but I finally had a full on melt down and OH was very supportive and the chat we had was needed and it resolved some (not all) of the problems.  I don't know for how long but we both have "stuff to do" and we can sort it out together we've agreed.

So that resulted in a better feeling and a good but not entirely uninterrupted sleep - a mouse throwing itself in a trap didn't help at 5 in the morning I guess! 

So I'm feeling a bit better and the heaviness has gone and I feel a little empty inside so that much of the angst has melted away.  Let's hope we can build away from there.  

Thought - They Came Back To Haunt Me

 Yet again, my thoughts overtook me.  I probably wasn't ready to go to bed and was a bit flustered and awake and so I lay awake for at least an hour, possibly more.  The thoughts then came and overwhelmed it's pretty fair to say but I managed to get about 5 hours sleep when I woke up I disturbed OH and so felt really bad about that and then couldn't really settle back down again and so here I am sitting at the PC and ruing life.

I know that it is unfounded in many ways but there is some background in what is going on in my head.  Normally I can get past this but last night was not to be.  I need to gird my loins and sort this out.

And So It Proved

 I'd worked out what I was struggling with.  I know what it is, I can identify it and yet, boom!  It knocked me for six yet again.  These waves of melancholy - I should be able to identify them and control them but sometimes they just overtake me and make me feel sh1t and then after an hour or so - I feel better.

OH suggests it is because I am intermittent fasting so I perhaps need to look at that and see if that is so.  I perhaps need to go back to eating in the morning more often.  I tend to eat breakfast only on Monday and Tuesday and the rest of the week do not eat until after noon or even as late as 2.  I'll have to see whether that might be a factor! 

Back on an even keel again now and let's hope that lasts a while. 

Retirement Adjusting Is Difficult For An INTJ I'd Say

 A lifetime of planning, managing and doing suddenly comes to an end and almost overnight life has completely changed.  There's no routine other than getting up and going to bed I suppose.  It's as if I've woken up in another dimension and the structure and order and deadlines and milestones no longer exist.  As an INTJ I've been thrown way off course.  

Things that were structured and planned are now abstract I guess?  Transitioning to having little formal structures in place is hard.  Understanding it is harder too.  It shouldn't be but if you weren't planning it, this is all a surprise!  I hadn't planned for retirement because up until March I was still working and made the decision to terminate it all - I had specific business goals to this - an exit strategy for the business but nothing for myself.

Two years of emotional turmoil too have had to be dealt with - the aggression from the business "partner" and legal challenges plus the disappointment from that.  The self fulfilling prophecy of someone who destroys their own business as they did also stacks up the negative energies.

Today feels quite different somehow.  A little light has switched on to suddenly build away from.  There are no milestones, schedules, metrics, spreadsheets (I do like a spreadsheet) reports, deadlines, it's all gone and I miss them.  I miss them a lot.  Perhaps I am grieving for them?  It's the Kubler-Ross ( The classic five stages of grief—introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying—are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). 

I've been through the last two for sure not sure I was denying it but there was anger, anger at the way I was treated.  Not so much bargaining but depression and acceptance which I think is just coming now.  I still feel that "something" is about to happen but in reality what can that be?  Everything is ended and there's no point but, of course, people can be arseholes and it's trying not to worry about it (INTJ planning and risk managing blah blah) which doesn't do any good anyway as we know.

Well let's see how I get on from here?  It feels a better day today and so let's move forward and see if things change for the best?

When You Kind Of Know What The Matter Is BUT

 There is little you can do to resolve it.  Not without risking it all or really upsetting someone else or both or other.  In reality, it is a combination of things that are giving me problems.  

I say problems when of course that is probably not the case at all.  Neither are they "opportunities" either!  

It probably isn't a complex problem(s) but it affects or is caused by or both someone else.  Therein lies the catch of how are they going to react to it all?  Knowing them, probably not well at all.  No one wants to have their "faults" exposed and certainly not as the cause of my anxiety and happiness.

It's a complex problem and it doesn't help that it has built up and I have allowed it to, over many years. 

Quite how I go about this is worrying me, it's a bit like a minefield or one of those fables where the animals (all mortal enemies of each other) have to cross the river in a boat and you have to work out how they manage to do it without attacking each other :-) 

Wish me luck!

The Demon Drink - Perhaps

 I can see now why my father and other "older" people I knew only had a half or maybe a pint in total.  I had three beers last night and when I found I took longer to go to sleep and woke up twice I presumed it was because of that.  No hangover, no headache but certainly after 45 days of not drinking, it was a shock to the system for sure.

I had other stuff on my mind like going to see my daughters and granddaughter this morning.  The youngest has been away on a three month exploration of Canada and the USA as a solo traveller.  She has had a great time and just missed the big flash flooding at the Grand Canyon but was in the middle of the flash floods at Zion national park!

I feel sort of weird about seeing them all I havent seen one for about a year and the other for three months. 

I was pretty much OK yesterday but for sure the alcohol screwed with my brain a bit so I know the answer to that. 

Weight loss has been steady, a good inch off my waist and my neck, wrists and legs are losing the weight but the belly always takes longer to resolve.  It took a long time to gain weight and a long time to lose it too.  Too many want to lose weight in a week or two.  Anyway, hopefully it will continue and I will get further benefits from it. 

Well I Wan't Expecting That Retirement

 To say that was unprepared for retirement is a colossal understatement!  I have been knocked sideways by it for certain and in many ways, added to the horrid way I was treated by my supposed business partner it has all added up to feeling pretty down in the dumps and very very miserable.

It all sounds great does it not?  No more work, do what you like, your time is your own and so on.  Yet in reality if you aren't prepared for that level of change in your life, then it hits like a hammer blow.

I'll explore this more shortly but today I drove OH over to get her car and as usual roadworks workmen put diversion signs up in the totally wrong place and so we spent a while circumnavigating to get to our destination. But, that gave me a little time to do a longer drive home and just take it easy, no rush to get back, stopped off at the shops and bought myself a few beers.  It's been 40+ days since I last had one and after that drive I felt I deserved a beer as a reward.  Let me see if I enjoy it or not.

What has happened is I feel a lot better having got out of the house for a while and so I am sort of happier than I have been for a while.  Not so uptight I suppose and I just realised that I never planned for retirement other than the monetary side of course.  They tell you to sort that out which I have done.  Sorted out the Will, LPAs and so on.  I can spend a little time now I think just getting used to this retirement malarkey as of course, all sorts of deadlines and so on no longer exist and the reminder is "It's all in your head Mr. Tweedy!" needs to ring in my ears.  It's all in my head but these thoughts and problems loom large and it's not as if they are real is it?

Surely I have better things to worry about.  I need to spend a bit of time rebuilding my life and perhaps feeling better about myself.  

Partly Successful - Is There Such A Thing?

 I slept well waking gone 6 which is pretty good in my books and I thought I'd be able to drop back to sleep but no, of course not.  I was working on my breathing and whilst I was relaxed, thoughts kept arising and I'd dismiss those, go back to breathing and again some trivial thought would arise and so after about an hour of this I got up and here I am.  It will only be a few minutes until the alarm anyway.  The crazy thing is I feel tired and I'm yawning to go with it!

It's a bit of a nuisance for sure but it's a lot better than just a few months ago where I was plagued by the bad thoughts.  In some ways, I still am but I can work through these albeit not always.

OH was taken unwell again yesterday and that too is a worry.When trying to get an appointment at the Doctors she was told to use the App (or rather her son was).  I feel that our GPs have lost the plot as she has sight problems!!!  Who are these heath care professionals? 

I lost all respect for them during COVID and afterwards.  They really aren't fit for purpose any more.

Another Good Night's Sleep - Gradually Feeling Better

I managed to go back to sleep and could have slept past the alarm clock too.  That's better and a small part of the problems I've been facing is back under control.

Not everything is, there's still keeping control of the Ego/Pain Body to manage and I am doing OK on that but still need to work on it.  If I can identify what is happening I can control it.  The mind/brain starts to catastrophise the situation and you need to catch that quickly.  Bring it back to right now.  I have visions about not being able to cope in a situation and yet that situation is a month off, it hasn't happened, it's unlikely to happen and worrying about something that hasn't happened and is unlikely to happen isn't a good use or my time.

That's the current fight to get over, that and now living with the loss of my working life.  What I knew for all these years has gone.  Perhaps I am grieving for its loss?  Life has a purpose if only I can now transition to retirement and enjoy it.  It is yet another learning process that has to be lived and journeyed through.  I thought I had it covered but obviously not.

Sleep Returns To Almost Normal - A Little Hope

 That was a good night's sleep, at last.  One disturbance when OH got up and so I chose to as well and managed to fall straight back to sleep, a disturbance around 6 but back to sleep and when the alarm went off I had a cheeky 10 minutes more.

I did get up with a bit of a start as if expecting some sort of action or prepared for something but that went quickly.  Imagine if you will a deadline or expectation of some sort of action required and it felt as if I needed to meet a target or undertake some sort of action, right then.  It did go as quickly as it arrived.

It's about a year ago that I launched the App and had the run in with the business partner and two years since the whole thing kicked off and the de-stabilising affect this had had on me has been massive.  I think I have always been too giving of myself in business and to be betrayed was a massive destruction of my being.

Anyway, this morning has dawned with me feeling a lot better and not with the nagging of the little voice in my head.  That will no doubt arrive sometime today but I feel I can sort that out today and not let it all get on top of me.  I've lost weight, I feel OK inside but want to lose more and it has been around 45 days without a drink and I have no desire to have a beer or a glass of wine at all.  I am down a notch on my belt size and that makes for interesting times as my trousers are at that slipping down stage.

A little hope on the horizon, some of the main issues are still present but I hope to tackle those gradually, it isn't going to happen all at once I know. 

Nag, Nag, That Voice!

 I'm in a strange place this morning.  I did quite well with sleeping and managed a full 7+ hours and then tried to go back to sleep but the nagging little voice came along and whilst I can deal with it some of the time, not all of the time.  So there was a little fight between the Ego/Pain Body and me. 

The problem is that it is a constant nagging feeding doubt and sadness and anxiety into my life that does have an affect on me.  Irrational as it is, the constant dealing with the voice in my head, can be wearisome and get me down.  When I realise what it is, I can deal with it.

The optician said I had eye floaters and now they've turned up, that too is making me feel down.  I can deal with them somewhat how I deal with my Tinnitus and that's another ongoing thing.  It can be in the background but not always.  If I pay little or no attention to it, then I can happily just get on.

However, I am concerned about this current phase of not wanting to do anything.  That's very concerning I have to say.  There's a dread of going anywhere especially if it involves being in a room like a Lodge room.  I need to snap out of that if at all possible.  I know nothing will happen to me but it is the irrational fear that is now part of it.  By association it pulls me up worrying about something that hasn't happened and is unlikely to.

The struggle continues but it isn't overwhelming me like it has done.  I can control it but I just need to be more alert and catch the signs early then I can deal with it.

How Strange - Another Diametric Shift

 Sleep - I awoke once when OH disturbed me.  Straight back to sleep.  Woke up about 30 minutes before the alarm, went back to sleep. Alarm went off I sat up, took one look, felt sleepy and had another 20 minutes!  That's the best I have slept for months and months.

I got up and feel a lot better than I have done recently and in a good mood overall and much happier and chirpier than I have so I'm feeling good this morning.  Let's see if I can maintain that.

It makes so much difference to be in a lighter, happier frame of mind I have to say.  Long may that continue.

It's A Slow Process

 It's quite painful too I think.  Getting back on your feet and it isn't nice and easy either.  Set backs along the way and better moments and without reason, deep lows.

Overall though, it is getting slightly better.  What is worrying is the part where I don't want to participate in anything, do anything, join in with anything and so on.  I'd rather not go to the meetings which are coming up and I'm not overly fussed about that either.  I've cancelled both Dentist appointments as I just don't feel I'd be in a state to go into the room and have someone stick stuff in my mouth and yet it hasn't been an issue in the past.

Going to a meeting with the worry that room will be too small and I won't enjoy it.  I can possibly work my way around that but need to have it planned out so that I can get out if I need to.  This happened years ago and I just need to breathe through it.  But it adds to the worry and that does concern me.

What Now?

 I say that as I have made good progress in sleeping.  I haven't had a beer in 41 days (I'm using an App to track it) and so somethings are better.  Not so much my confidence and claustrophobia but you know, on track and so last night I noticed some patterns (Floaters) in my left eye which is the one that the Optometrist told me had the Cataract and that I had floaters.  Well now I can see them which is disturbing and additionally I thought they'd go but no, they are here this morning.

FFS, I understand these things are age related but it is just another thing to add to my list. I'll keep a monitoring check on it in case it gets worse.

On top of that it looks as if someone I know or knew has passed away and I didn't know.  

Oh the joys of getting old! 

Back To The Drawing Board - Kind Of

 I've gone back to my past today and produced a mind-map of those things that are bothering me.  I've taken out )or will do) some money from my pension and done a review of what I have to do up until December and what my financial situation is.

I can see all the problems I "think" I have laid out as headings and I now need to add to them with sub-topics and see if I can work out what to do about it all.  It makes sense to me this way as it's what I used to do and take my customers through when reviewing etc.

I am not sure if it will help or at least perhaps compartmentalize the problems I perceive I have.  To say things are getting to me is an understatement but, of course none of these have actually properly realised themselves as of yet and so it's like a risk management plan I suppose.

What is strange is the loss of interest in things.  TV and social media but also reading.  I used to be an avid reader but now not so much.  The loss of interest is a little disturbing but I have kept away from the TV for 18 months or more only watching a few favourites, University Challenge, Only Connect, Formula ! and BTTC racing, rugby and the odd programme of interest to me - Reacher, Clarkson's Farm and perhaps a few other that I have forgotten.  The other stuff and the "personalities" and "celebrities" things bore the life out of me - who are half of these people?

The loss of interest doesn't stop there either as I really have to make myself do things and I wonder if that's just this huge crashing down to earth that retirement delivers you when you aren't expecting it and hadn't planned for it (unlike me I know).

Here we are though.  Got to make the best of a bad job I suppose?  

Roller Coaster Doesn't Even Cover This

 It's still going on and actually a few episodes of Clarkson's Farm were enough to liven my mood and I wandered off to bed and had, for me, a good night's sleep.  I was all over the place yesterday and did some work in the garden mainly to cut off branches and hopefully halt the invasion of mice into our eaves space.  There weren't any this morning but a total of 4 in three days! 

I'm feeling anger and despair, sadness and other swings in mood as stuff creeps up on me.  I know roughly what these things are but I lack the plan to discuss these at the moment fearing that it will make things worse! If it were just me and it was in my sole control then it would be something I could sort out but it isn't and I can't!

For now, I am working on how I can best manage the situation but deep down I know what must be done and I am not brave enough to do it or confront (although too harsh a word) it outright.  I can fix it but maybe they don't want to.

Day By Day, Hour By Hour, Minute By Minute

 It's different.  The thoughts arrived in my head as I woke but I quickly was able to breath through them this time, other times, I am not so lucky and I let my Ego/Pain Body loose to upset me.  It is only me that's hurting me!

Yesterday's near meltdown may have been lack of sleep but it was the closest I've been to just lying in a ball and letting it all out and 30 minutes later, I was fine.

It is how it is at the moment. One minute I can be fine and the next, well... Diametrically different and I need to control it.  What I dislike is this voice in my head that nags about when I get older and how will it be?

This morning I woke and for that very short space of time, I was calm and then for only a very short time, the pain body wanted another day of building the dread and there's plenty going on in the world that you can feed on, especially here in the UK.  I guess by the end of this month we will find out as the Budget will be out and let's face it, it isn't looking good at the moment.

Oh well, I can't affect it so will have to wait and see.  Interesting and possibly hard times ahead as the socialists run out of other people's money.  The exodus of HNW people is a sign of the times.  Those of us who cannot just pack up and leave will be left to pick up the pieces.  Troubled times are almost inevitable and none of these muppets appears to know what to do about it and yet, the vast majority do know exactly what.  Blaming us and not tackling the root cause will be their undoing and yet people still sheep like want to vote for them?  I don't get it but then I've always been an outlier. 

It Didn't Get Much Better

 Got to bed early-ish and had a bit of a cuddle with OH when she says, "Can you hear that?" - yes I could, scratching from somewhere in the room.  So got the Red Torch and started to check around the room.  It was difficult to hear where it was coming from but I thought the Eaves space but couldn't see anything in there and the mouse traps hadn't set off and as the noise had stopped.  I settled back down to sleep but 10 minutes later there it was again and so downstairs I went, got my big white bright torch and checked again.  I then placed a series of mouse traps around the room and in the Eaves.

30 minutes later snap!!  Yep got it, a mouse.  There was another but it didn't take the bait and appears to have disappeared now but the traps are out, it's that time of year.  Now I know that you probably don't like traps but these humane traps are anything but and I've found dead mice in them and, of course, you are not allowed to displace animals etc.  The traps are probably the best as it's over and hopefully no distress.

So I cleared that up this morning but we must have lost 2 or 3 hours sleep.  Hopefully we can make up for that tonight unless some more come in which is always possible I suppose.  We tend to get a batch at a time. 

Unfortunately my mood just got worse overnight and I wasn't great this morning.  I've done some work this morning and feel a bit better but not any way am I out of the woods.  I need to face some truths and I'm not ready for that just yet.  

Mind you I cancelled my two dentists appointments this morning for this week as I just felt that I couldn't face them.  Unlike me but I thought I'd get claustrophobia.   

 

Good Grief - What A Bad Day

 Not a dark black day just a total despairing sick in my throat day - close to tears all day long and a feeling of utter helplessness.  I see all the reasons but they were there yesterday and the day before and I didn't have these thoughts.

I cannot fix what I want to fix and I am waiting for a delivery but that's not it either, the problem will be there tomorrow.  All my usual tactics are not operating either.  It really is just ridiculous.  I do not feel like doing anything but want to do something and when I start I dislike it and stop as it can wait and I lose the enthusiasm for it.

It is annoying but very upsetting as today I cannot see the way out of it.  I am going to try and work through it if I can.  It is very difficult today, one of the strangest days as it isn't black or desperate like earlier in the year.  

No doubt I need to sort things out here but it isn't going to be easy and I just need a strategy to deal with it.  What a yukky day.  I've asked the OH to bring in a  bag of sweets on her way home as that might give me a sugar hit and cheer me up.  I hope so, I need out of this mindset ASAP.  

The Slip Ups Along The Way

 Pointless. meaningless and whatever else my mind came up with this morning! I was delighted that I slept through until around 6 this morning but trying to get back to sleep was difficult.  The cause was things like my current claustrophobia which isn't rational I know.  It wasn't actually suffering it but imaging a situation where I might and how to get out of that particular imagined scenario.

Then other stuff came flying in and despite me knowing that there was no substance in them my mind took over and that was it.  OH got up and I decided to get up and come downstairs!  That's annoying as I managed to get back to sleep previously this week.

Whilst I am better than I was, these little relapses just cause more anxiety even though I know there is little substance about them,

Back to the drawing board as they say.

Why The Bloody Big Hole?

 Suddenly (well the last 6 months maybe) there's nothing to get up for, nothing in terms of purpose and an empty space in my body / head where it used to be full.  It is very strange and I am dealing with it in perhaps the totally wrong way I guess?

I don't want to do anything.  Does that make sense?  Nothing truly interests me anymore.  I don't like my "stuff" I don't feel up to reading.  I listen to music but sporadically not all the time like I used to.  Not much excites me either.  I do things to keep occupied, today I fixed the silicone sealant in the wet room and di a bit of maintenance on the sink whilst I was there.  Some mould treatment for an area I spotted will happen tomorrow or another day when the treatment arrives.

I really cannot be arsed to do things.  I promised myself I'd go for some walks and I've only partly done that.  I stopped drinking, I don't know, end of August I guess.  sticking to that.  Do I miss it?  Yes I do but I've lost at least an inch if not a lot more off my waist so why go back to it.  I looked when I went shopping and I just didn't fancy it and neither do I fancy a glass of wine yet I have bottles of the stuff here.

I don't see any "purpose" in life now as it (my working life that is) was how I defined myself I suppose.  The tasks that I could do overwhelm me at the moment yet I can do a little each day to chip away at them I suppose.  I'm happy just to give it all away if I'm honest.  In fact I have a few boxes going soon of stuff I no longer use or want.

I suppose I'll get through this but it needs some effort and enthusiasm which I just do not have right now.  

I do feel like there is a huge hole in my body, hollowed out mentally and physically.  

Better - Small Steps - Slow Improvements

 Things cannot get done in double fast time and I was able to sleep well again last night which is great.  I haven't had a beer for well over a month now and I've lost weight, not where I want to, but the belly is always the last to show it.  I need to lose a lot more but already my trousers and clothes are loose, my watch slides up and down my wrist and so on.

Did giving up drinking affect me?  Maybe, I am not sure, it's not as if I crave for a beer although I do miss the habit I have to say.  There was a certain enjoyment but you cannot regularly drink beer and not put on weight.  Liquid Bread they call it and it pretty much is that.

Sleeping through or just not needing to get up is good.  I get the urge to get up but switch back off so I am pleased with that I have to say.  Steady progress.....

When The Mundane Makes Headlines

 Mundane for you but quite good for me.  A full night's sleep for me.  The first time in ages I have had a full night's seep. up just once and straight back to sleep and disturbed at 6 but managed to continue through to the alarm.

Not interesting to you perhaps but this is good news.  I spent a lot of time last night going through some Eckhart Tolle videos and that helped me settle out some of the head anxiety problems I've been having these past 2 years for it is about that sort of time that all the nastiness on the company took off and additionally the ugly meeting last year.  

That's all gone now, the business was officially wound up a few days ago and so nothing exists anymore.  Great news.

Once you empty your mind and stop worrying about what might happen you can start to get through it - the main thing is still to identify the voice in your head and to deal with it.  More in that later. 

Highs And Lows, My Topsy Turvy Times

 I surely am having a topsy turvy sort of time at the moment as I go from being OK to being in the lowest of places.  I catch myself and work on bringing myself back to equilibrium but for how long?  Sometimes days, sometimes hours and occasionally just a few moment.

It isn't easy at the moment as I never know which "ME" is going to turn up given any particular situation.  Currently I have a small project I am working on and whilst I am doing that I am OK.  When I come away from that I am find that I am straying back into the catastrophe that is my mind as it whirls about and tries to make sense of it all.  It is reminiscent of my past experiences and where that led.  I know this feeling and when I get it things change.  I am resisting that but perhaps need to accept that this is just my intuition telling me to tackle a build up of things.

Trying to steer clear of social media as best I can albeit with varying levels of success. 

The Teeter - On The Edge

 I had a good day yesterday and my Mattock had arrived and a new manhole cover and so I was able to change that cover and then tackle some of the lumps in our garden.

The Mattock is a 5 lb one and you quickly notice how heavy it is but it does make reasonably light work of the lumps and bumps in "the lawn" let's call it for now.  It may well return to being a lawn when I've finished. 

I probably did around 45 minutes work and called it a day as I could feel that I'd stared to get an ache.  Always listen to your body and finally I did just that this time.  Often I do too much and regret it.

Why on the edge?  Well it is strange, I am getting better sleep and my 1.5 Tog duvet has arrived which is just warm enough at this time of year for me.  I have a winter duvet but I am beginning to overheat and find myself getting very hot so this will be a good interim solution. I woke even with this a little warm and suddenly my mind filled up with hundreds of "things to do" it's overwhelming and of course not everything can be done at once or needs to.  Just my mind and it's annoying that it does this to me.

Overnight there was a lot of noise in the garden - it sounded very loud and was either Badgers, Foxes or perhaps Hedgehogs.  Screeching, snuffling and sort of barking, probably investigating the newly turned over earth?  

I've brought myself back under some semblance of control but it is a little fight between overload or just live as it is each day.  The claustrophobia comes and goes as does the overwhelming weight of all the things my mind thinks I have to do!   

Hopefully a little longer in the garden and I can feel a little better again?  In general, I am getting better but more work is needed for sure.

Apparently - I Am A Lot Better

 Other Half said so yesterday- I was a bit more like my old self and I have to say I'm slowly getting there I suppose.  I do need to keep working at it but I am sleeping a bit better and only slipping into overthinking every now and then.  I bring myself up short with that and can mainly (although not entirely) manage that now. 

It was an interesting day yesterday OH went to London and I sort of pottered around sorting things out waiting for two deliveries that didn't turn up, Again.  Evri and Hermes.  I wonder why people use them.  I have a series of emails from them all around the same time of day which suggest they ran into trouble delivering to me whereas Amazon, DPD etc have very rarely had such issues.  So it sort of slowed me down doing what I wanted to do but I was able to do some research and get other bits achieved.

Anyway a little more continued improvement is required and picking up any of these thought streams that lead to anxiety and send me off.  

A Constructive Day Left Me Feeling A Bit Better

 I spent a long day in the garden and in the adjacent plot of land that holds the Septic Tank.  I finally closed off the air brick areas of the house using rodent mesh after removing the "nest" that was in one.  I managed to get stung by some Nettles right at the end even after wearing gauntlet gloves - a part of a leaf somehow managed to get me!  

Apart from that it was a glorious Autumn day and very warm.  It took my mind off of the worries I have and so a good night's sleep albeit up around an hour earlier than normal.

The delivery company managed, yet again to say they were delivering but at 17:10 as they do every time, were "unable to make the delivery" - this particular company has done this on every occasion they have been used, the same message at the same time.  Hopefully they will deliver today.

Something more mundane is I need to replace the manhole cover on the Septic Tank which is rusting away on the edge.  Not too difficult I'd say and not too expensive.

In terms of head problems I'd say I am down at around 25% of the worst type and my mind still attempts to round on me and beat its own self up.  Quite why it is so destructive I have no idea.  There you go though and I need to "snap out of this" as soon as I can.  I cannot go on like this and it makes no sense. 

Where Did Uplifting, Fun, Enjoyment Go?

 In this country, a nation lost their sh1t in around 2016 I'd suggest.  Brexit.  You'd have thought that a majority vote would have settled it and actually it divided a nation.  People you thought you knew turned into ugly nightmarish, yelling, abusive and illogical.  Apparently if you voted for it you were a bigot, ill informed, stupid yada yada yada.

I worked in Europe and stayed at the MEP and NATO Hotels and can give you some details about where your money went and so on  That isn't the only example.  However, I'm wrong no matter what I say because, you know, I'm a racist or something!

Since then people have been ugly and intolerant and I lost a number of acquaintances or rather chose not to continue knowing them.  The whole country runs along who yells loudest and the good old discussion no longer happens.  The TV debates are rigged and favour a specific opinion type.  The standard answer to a difficult question is either one of these yelled or spat out:

1. Bigot!
2. Racist
3. Some sort of bile filled abuse
4. I'm telling my mummy about you!

You probably get the picture.

I currently need uplifting as I dip in and out of being either depressed or coping with depression.  I used to enjoy Facebook, it used to be fun and silly and you could catch up with your friends and what they were up to but today I went onto it and it was to say the least mildly depressing.  People's opinions about the state of the UK/USA/World and so on.  Stories as we gaze on watching the UK spiral down into the toilet and so on.

So I am breaking the habit on that and I think I should on TV (albeit I hardly watch it - Monday being an exception when I watch two programmes 'Only Connect' and 'University Challenge') and then there is YouTube and that can be a bit too much given that I follow some channels, they too are now all doom and gloom so I should also carefully monitor that too.

I need a plan to get out of my current situation too and moving my attention to sources of doom, gloom and so on, really shouldn't be on that set of actions! 

Surprising How Much Attention You Give Your Devices

 Saturday night was pretty horrific for me trying to get to sleep and my head just filled up with things to be done, regrets things were not done and anger and resentment, confusion and a complete melt down.  Apart from that everything was fine LOL.

I had what can mildly be called a panic/anxiety attack I guess.  I got dressed and went down stairs and paced about a bit, tried to sit down and after a period of maybe fifteen minutes felt well enough to go back to bed where I managed to sleep through.  Sleep was fitful on Sunday but I was a lot better, my well leafed, dog eared "A New World" by Eckart Tolle saw to that and I read it for around 30 minutes before going to bed and was able to drop off and woke twice and got up 15 minutes before the alarm and so I am pleased about that.

I'm not pleased that I need to repair something but, once again, I'm told not to do it now, to do it later.  Part of the reason I am getting stressed is that nothing gets done, jobs get stopped part way through and so on.

I have tried to keep away from social media and glancing at my phone every couple of minutes. It is quite difficult not to do something as habit forming as checking it and you'd be surprised.  Try and work out how many times you do it.  I've cut back and I am trying to only do a few periods during the day.  I think it may be helping albeit Saturday's melt down was caused by other problems other than Social Media!

I kept away from this blog for 3 days.  That too is a conscious effort to disconnect from it for a while.

Give It A Rest

I think that is the best thing for now.  I can only imagine it is getting boring for you and things are moving in the right direction:

• Stopped drinking (I nearly wrote stopped smoking but that was 21+ years ago)
• Sleeping better
• Slowly day-by-day approach
• Returned to proper eating and little or no cheating - lost a stone in the last three weeks I'd say
• Pulling Away from too much screen time on the PC and Phone / Tablet

I am not my good old cheery self but these incremental small steps are helping.

Writing about small increments is sort of OK but for now, I think I should only report on exceptions rather than this low noise low interest stuff.  

See you when I'm older!

Rebuild Continues Albeit Slowly

 Well OH is a lot better thank goodness and a day of recovery and sleeping sorted things out.  I was pretty tired and so getting to sleep was OK but this morning was difficult but OH told me to come back to bed and try and sleep which I guess I did as I woke with the alarm.  

Putting myself back together again is proving difficult but it is a slow process and the mood swings are big for sure.  I wonder if it is a combination of many things but surely one of them are the clowns who think they are in charge of the country and the pathetic and childish way they attempt to govern.  It appears that they do not see the financial problems hurtling down the track and are spending money like a kid in a sweet or toy store!

They are socialists after all and missing that part of their mind that controls how to tackle problems and govern for all the people.  They really don't have a clue and like all politicians, lie or mumble past questions in their answers.

Worry shouldn't be on the cards and I should know better than that but there it is.  If you can see problems coming and are powerless to do anything about them other than to prepare for it then I guess that's some of the head poo that is contributing to my current frame of mind.

Little steps.  

Horrendous Day And Night Too

 I was in a very dark mood yesterday, very dark indeed.  I think it all started OK but just deteriorated into a bad series of just not knowing what to do with myself.  It was just awful, a series of angry episodes, then sad, then manic resulting in me walking up and down the garden path to get some air or try and overcome them.  

It wasn't helped by the OK announcing that her son and grandson were coming for dinner either as I'd got food out but there wasn't enough for 4 of us so I did it for 3 and sorted myself out later - as they also ate earlier than I normally do.

Then at 3 this morning I heard OH call out and got to her in time for her to pass out on me - it looks like food poisoning and after an hour or so of helping her through it all she managed to get back to bed and is sleeping.  It was very frightening as I was able to keep her from falling but you know how difficult it is to hold on to someone in a dead faint.  Anyway, I managed to get her tidied up and sorted out.  It isn't nice at all especially for her of course.  She had to do that for me some years ago.  I'm certain that I had a contaminated salad (twice) I think a mouse dropping first time and bird dropping the second time.  I was seriously not well, so much so that we needed an Ambulance and a Paramedic for me.  

It was close last night I have to say especially if she had passed out a few more times than just the once.  So I got little sleep for maybe and hour and a half but eventually manage some and I am awake around an hour before 'normal'.

Concentrating on her will mean that I won't have time to dwell on anything that is troubling me. 

Switching Off - So Difficult At The Moment

 I struggle with all sorts of things at the moment.  I woke around 4 and managed some fitful sleep for a few hours but then woke up and just needed to get up.  It was not too early but my head was full of stuff.  Problems, state of the world, catastrophising again.  

The problem with this is that everything looks like a problem. It leads to short anxiety attacks for example there was an advert of someone having a haircut and I got a feeling of trapped in claustrophobia and have to turn it off!  It is irrational and I know that but I just cannot get this stuff out of my head at the moment.  I can for short periods do it but right now, it seems like I cannot shake it off. 

I'll be OK in an hour or so I think but for how long?  It is giving me problems and of course, it compounds itself, the more you focus on trying to sort it out the more you pile on the problems.  Perhaps I need that full break from things for a while.  Isolate myself from social media, news, TV etc.  I know the answers to all of this - but there always an excuse not to do something about it and hope it goes away.  The unfortunate thing is it doesn't go away or not for long.  

I will tackle this but I have to get out of where I am.  Where I am? Old age has just hit me like a sledge hammer and I wasn't expecting it.  

Is This It? What's It All About

 Another strange morning.  I slept reasonably well but had the urge to get up about an hour earlier than normal it had been a humid night and I just needed to get up as I felt the arising in my mind of problems that aren't problems.

My mind is a mixture of things.  Mortality is playing on my mind a lot at the moment and for me, there's a gap in  my head about what to do next.  I am free of the business but that was the thing that I had been working on for a long time and it's gone abruptly and not in a good way.  Annoyingly, whilst I made an exit plan for that I did not make one for myself and ripping that "purpose" away inevitably leaves a gaping hole in my life and I realised that all the other things I did, I gave up for the business.  Fat reward I got for that!

So there's nothing at the moment to grasp on to and plans, such as they were, no longer exist.  It's a vacuum and in there the doubts arise and the life you thought you had isn't anything like the life you actually have now.  It's all very unnerving for me and I am really struggling with that.

I understand that you can work your way through this but at the moment, it doesn't feel like that at all.  It feels like a "no hope" scenario but deep down I know that is not the case and that I need to work through this.  It isn't as bad as a month or two back when it truly was dark times.  I should be pleased with progress and that I have cut out the beer and can see real progress in weight loss etc.

I need to do a bit more to get out and about a bit more but it is easier to sit here and wallow in mire of my dark periods.  I hope to get out of this in time and get back to living in the present, in the now but it is not easy to do so right now.  Perhaps I know the answer but I am not prepared to accept it?  Who knows? I certainly don't at the moment.  

Intermittent Wobbles - I Suppose It's Something Better?

 I feel better than I did some weeks back and I'm getting better sleep with less interruptions and if I do wake I can get back to sleep relatively quickly, at least better than it has been.  But I am having these strange moments now, anxiety attacks which of course are future or forward looking things as opposed to right here, right now stuff.  

The worst of it is my claustrophobia which kicks in just thinking about going out somewhere or the unknown.  If I do (something) will it be packed, too hot, make me breathless and so on.  I've had it for years and how on earth I travelled by train so often I don't know other than I used to go to work and leave work early to avoid the rush hour.  I'd wait for an hour or two before getting on a packed train.  I hated it.

So now, I am feeling hesitant about going out in case I get too hot or too claustrophobic.  It's an irrational fear I know but tell that to my head!  I think I need to get it sorted out again although I never really sorted it out before - I just rode through it. It seems to be that all I really want to do is stay home and not go out at all.  I know!  I need to do something about it and I will but I am not sure what.  

It seems that I have lots of "problems" at the moment and I suppose its all the stuff going on and retirement kicking in and biting, mortality thoughts and so on.  Suddenly I am old and it crept up on me and just presented me with a grey old bloke looking back at me from the mirror!  I remember when I was a teenager, just starting work and the old boy I was working with who'd fought through WW2 and was almost retirement age was up a pair of steps putting up a light fitting and coughing and wheezing looked at me and said "Don't ever get old!"  I can see what he meant.  He did however, set in my mind not to carry on working on site and I got into the office as soon as I was able.  

  

Normality? Well Appearing For One Night Only! LOL

 I managed to wake up around 4 am with my knee throbbing away and a brief walk to and from the bathroom seemed to fix it and then at 6:30 it woke me up and I decided to get up, stick a knee brace on and come downstairs.  Actually 06:30 isn't so bad in reality just an hour before my 'usual' so it's not lying awake for hours or bad thoughts but my knee has been bad for years but not in any meaningful way.  The last time it was bad was July a couple of months ago and it hasn't bothered me since.

No doubt another benefit of getting old although the damage was done around 1994/5 if I remember properly.  Cricket that I shouldn't have been involved in and got press-ganged into.  It didn't feel bad at the time but I ended up having around 6 weeks where I was driven to and from work in Canary Wharf, London.  Hobbled into the building, up to 11th floor and then worked there all day and then hobbled back out to my waiting car for the journey home.

It's OK at the moment, I've put some freezing stuff on and a brace over so let's hope that sorts it out.

Better Again - 'Normality' Returns But For How Long

 I say normality but what is normal?  It's probably like yesterday  after I had come downstairs and written here I went out to bring in some bins and noticed a lot of animal excrement on the roads.  So asking AI (as you do) it reckoned it was either Roe Deer or Rabbit droppings.  WRONG!  it was in fact, as caught on our door camera, sheep and quite a lot of them in the lane.  Not sure how that happened or what caused it but it had all happened and finished by the time I got down here so perhaps 15 minutes beforehand - so probably what woke me I guess. 

Anyhow, OH had checked the camera and I reviewed it this morning.

I did well and got up with the alarm - at one time I didn't think I would as OH disturbed me but yes, got back to sleep even though it was light and feel good for that.

Two weeks without beer is also making inroads and I've lost a fair bit of weight, I'd guess half a stone if not more and I need to keep that going as long as I can.  So progress is being made, the dark gloom is lifting and the sleep patterns are improving, my weight is dropping and I do feel a lot better than I have for some time.  

There's still a lot to do and a way to go but I am certain we will get there.  

Dawns Another Day Better Again

 Yes, that's pleasing, up a little later than I have been, not quite alarm time but for 30 minutes I am not worrying.  It's interesting that I woke only once when the OH came back to bed and I was able to go to sleep OK after that.

What is interesting (maybe only to me) is the difference in my state of mind in just a few weeks.  It is markedly different, A change in diet, approach and actually getting active and no beers too seem to have done the trick.  I've lost weight too, my mind is a bit sharper as well.  By that I mean that I have a clearer mind, I am not swelling on strange stuff although yesterday was a little strange as I found an envelope and in it were letters from old girlfriends which were interesting and very touching in many ways.  I wonder what to do with these as they are personal and some quite touching.  One is from my Ex and was lovely and did make me twinge a little with regret.

We were very open with each other back then and that fell away later. Yes, what to do with them?  Considering they've been hidden for around 50 years and no one knew they were there, perhaps nothing, I don't know, I will think about it.  It was of course how we talked to each other before texting became a thing.  They are rather sweet and of their time.  

Up Early Again - But NoT What You Think

 This time, I am in a better place and ready to get up and going.  I had a good day yesterday except I got notification of a speeding ticket :-(  It's the first in over 50 years of driving and so I guess that's something.  I know where it was and what was going on as it is in the photo and so it's a fair cop so to speak although one of those where I hope the bike that sped up as I was overtaking also gets a ticket too.  Anyway, let's wait and see.  It is annoying but considering I used to do 30,000 miles a year when I was driving I think I've managed to do OK up until now.

That's really not overly bothering me as much as I felt it would.  I spent yesterday tidying up my cousin's biography so it can be published to the various family members.  His version in print is fine but electronically it lost its photo images and captions, pagination and so on.  Anyway, I've managed to fix it after around 6 hours editing!  Hopefully he will be OK with the results.  It is an interesting read at close to 130 pages.  In fact it is similar to mine.  Except I think I need to edit mine a bit.  It's full of stuff that perhaps should make a separate essay such as my Covid diary which whilst it is interesting, is a distraction for my biography.

The rain of yesterday was nice to see after such a dry summer.  Today has dawned bright and so I'll take on some more garden tidying I think and see where that leads.  The driveway gates have swollen in the rain and look like they need some attention too!  I cannot win with them they warp and sag and almost have a mind of their own! 

So a lighter mood, much lighter in fact I feel better and just need to keep on doing what I am doing as little by little things are improving.  My weight is down, my body feels good too.  Log may that continue. 

Up Early - Better - The Swings And Roundabouts

 It's raining and after the long very hot at times summer it is a welcome relief to see some rain which is steadily coming down this morning.  It must have been heavier overnight as it woke me and I managed to sleep through with the one break but I'm still up early.  This time it was my OH who woke me and with an hour to go for the alarm I thought I'd get up anyway.

Yesterday I managed a good 3 or 4 hours in the garden tidying up around the garage. The wood store / log store is tidy and loaded with kindling now ready for winter.  I could do with some more logs bu I need to consider whether to buy some more or just get some from along the lane.

Next door started a load of work and a delivery lorry managed to scrape along our hedge - I don't think it has done too much damage and we were going to look at it anyway as it needs work on the gaps.  It's a panoramic cabin for a gymnasium - first we knew about it and it has planning approval.  One day it might be nice for someone just to drop a note to say that there are loads of workmen around.  Hopefully it shouldn't be too difficult a job and take too long but they were banging away until 7 pm yesterday so let's hope that they don't need to do that again!

The poor old delivery man was late too and I felt for him as he eventually got to us just after 9:30 last night, in the dark after some sort of problem at his base.  I hope he didn't have to deliver to any more houses after us.  

I'm in a better mood, once again, I think being occupied with the garden and clearing the side of the garage and starting to make an impact around the Oil (Kerosene) tank has really helped.  I am trying not to overdo it, it's easy to do that and so I'm wearing my back brace as there's lots of pulling and bending down to do.  

So a lightened mood and whilst I am up early I haven't had any "bad thoughts" to work with.  A better day and so far productive week.  An indoors day by the looks of it and so I can get on with some internal work.

Up Early - Not Great Again

 Another day working in the Garden yesterday and then some motor racing to end the day.  When I go to bed I can sleep straight away which is great and one waking interruption at 3 which is I suppose normal now.  However, 6 O'Clock arrived and I awoke and tried to get back to sleep but a sudden hot flush made me get up and come downstairs to see the light on in my office!  Little chap had been in playing on the PC and of course didn't turn the light off.

Looking on my camera it appears that the milkman probably woke me up as it alerts the phone - mine was turned to mute, OK's not so.  Anyway, it isn't too early I suppose.

I think I will give the garden another go to clear away the weeds and grass.  There were loads of brambles down the side of the garage that I cleared yesterday and there are some more that can go where they've gone crazy at the rear of the garage.

Whilst I am glad that I am doing things and that made me feel better, it isn't always the case and I do feel down but not nearly for so long or so deeply dark.  I think I can catch these things now and then try and overcome them.

The next battle is to try and overcome the going out problem.  I really do not want to go out and meet people or do anything at the moment.  Hopefully that will change - I need to work on that as generally I do feel better for having done so but not really feeling it at the moment.  Slowly slowly I suppose.

I cannot even tell you why I lost my mojo but a combination of factors are probably at play and I can only fix them a little at a time.  Age, mortality, loss of working (retirement), low self esteem, 20 year Cancer anniversary, my ageing mother, changing relationships brought on by these and so on are all combining to bring me down low.  I am not as bad as I was for sure and I am in a better place, I just need it to be even better. 

That Was A Lot Better Day And Night

 Got out finally and did some (much needed) gardening. it really has been too hot, up until now, to get out there and do much.  The lawn, I use the term lightly, was knee high and required some serious chopping down with the strimmers. The result was a good few hours chopping stuff down, back in for a shower and dinner.

 Watched F1 qualifying from Monza which brought back memories from 2012 when I went there and saw Lewis Hamilton win.  That was some weekend.

Then a whole night's sleep - almost waking up with the alarm which put a smile on my face too.

I think I will go out and do a morning's work in the garden and tidy up some more around the edges and do some tidying up of the firewood and the log store and hopefully that will get me started to work on the areas that need it a little at a time there is no need to go full on with this - my back is giving me those little twinging warnings and so my back brace is on ready for that. 

Much more upbeat today.  Hurrah! 

Purpose, Habit And Direction

 Perhaps some people just naturally merge into retirement and some have no issues at all as the phase from work to retirement painlessly move from one to the other?

Not me!  Of course not, it has to be a drama and a huge bump in the road.  

I had written and exit plan for the business determining what success or failure were and when to pull the trigger and make the decision to continue or walk away (you don't walk away BTW it is more controlled than that and is not over yet).  That was purely a business document and was used to unemotionally come to a decision in a logical fact and data controlled way.  It took no account of the consequences on me or anyone else for that matter.

It has taken a while, as you know, to become comfortable with the idea and the huge change that has happened and it still takes some adjustment too.  Gradually my sleep is getting better and the "problems" are subsiding in my mind.  They still exist a bit but control has returned and I can get back to sleep if I do wake with relative ease, certainly much better than the struggles I was having. 

When you take away huge influences or drivers of your life and what you get up for without having done the preparations beforehand it really is difficult, I could hardly believe it and now, some 6 months or so later I am only just coming out of the other side.  It has been a horrible experience and it's not fully done with me yet.  I've lost a huge amount of confidence and I need to slowly reestablish it.  Knocked the wind out of my sails you could say and the doldrums ensued.  Onward and upwards! 

Darker Mornings & Evenings

 Both naturally and in my case physically.  I slept reasonably well again, up at the same time as yesterday about an hour earlier than 'normal'.

My confidence really has taken a battering of late and I can probably trace that back to the business and all the nastiness of around 2 years ago now.  Two years, it hardly seem that but when I was younger I could ride all of this stuff but now I just don't have the wherewithal for it. 

I don't want to do much if anything at all, don't really want to be around other people and it's not a great feeling.  It's a nit unnerving too as I want to do something about it but cannot seem to.

It's been a week since I stopped drinking and there's bound to be something like withdrawal symptoms but in reality it was a bad habit that I got into and wasn't the pacifier or of any assistance at all.  I feel a lot better for not drinking and I have lost weight and feel better in myself but it wasn't a cure all and didn't help my state of mind either.  It was a pacifier and not a good one at that.

The carnivore diet is almost fully there now and I just need to eat enough to be satiated.  You shouldn't feel hungry and so I've not eaten enough to do that.  

The mornings and evenings are closing in and whilst I enjoy Autumn and Winter, this year I am not greatly looking forward to them as mush as usual.  It is surely my state of mind and I carry a dread feeling around with me.  I am working on it though.

Little Steps, Small Improvements

 It was quite humid this morning and so I got up about an hour earlier than 'normal' and I'm downstairs here at the PC.  Other than feeling a little hot I'm feeling better in myself and it's been 6 days since I had my last drink and I feel I have made good progress there, just 6 days but that's a start. 

I noticed that I am cheating a bit on my carnivore diet and it's just old habits and having a snack because it is there.  I can avoid that too I think and get on with eating properly and already I have noticed that I am losing weight and feeling better.

It's progress Jim but not as we know it!

My head is clearer than it has been but some of the strange stuff still lingers, the claustrophobia the trapped feelings and the facing up to getting old, no longer working and retired are all taking a while to address.  BUT, they are slowly being addressed. It's the loss of purpose that is disturbing, no direction etc.  

I imagine I will get there, it just hasn't dawned on me yet what that might look like and how mye life will be assembled going forward. At least I am more settled and calm about it at the moment. 

Better Sleep - Much Better

 If there was a good reason to quit drinking it's the very noticeable changes since I stopped last week.  My sleep has been much better and almost back to my normal wake up with the alarm and less frequent trips too, just the one last night.  I also feel a lot better too and I can feel a change in my body too, skin feels better, less head fog and so on.  I've gone back to the carnivore lifestyle and that too has already shown up in how well I am feeling at the moment and that is good.

Head-space - well that is a little better too I think and when I have woken up, I haven't had the black dog come and visit me so that is great.  I do need to just organise myself a bit better and that will come.   It is still easier not to do something than to actually get out of my chair and do it.

The biting insects seem to have been eliminated with this plug in and that has improved my general demeanour too.

So today is a good day and I feel better mentally and physically.  The answer can never be found at the bottom of a bottle / glass / can and I just need to remember that and steer away not making the same mistake I did last year and just get some beers in for Christmas!  I have a sparkling water maker which takes the place of the beer and drank early enough in the afternoon also prevents night time waking! 

A Parent's Worries

 My daughter is in the US and the last time I heard from her, she was in Yellowstone and heading south and so it was shocking to see the Grand Canyon flash flood and so I checked in with her to see if she was OK?  Well, kind of was the answer.  She wasn't at the Grand Canyon she was at Zion National Park and got warnings and got into her car as the rain / flood came and also luckily her tent survived.. She's a little shaken but other than that she is OK.

She is on a grand tour she has been away for some months in Canada and is now heading south from there.  Absolutely amazing and life changing affirming I guess.

So at least I heard from her before I went to sleep which was good.  I managed to wake up just the once and slept through until 30 minutes from the alarm, speaking of which, it has just gone off.  So just a once wake up night is very good.  Progress as I am going back to my diet well giving up alcohol and going back to my carnivore eating.  I can already feel the effects even after a few days.  I hope this supports my mental state which is not great but it is a lot better than a few weeks and months ago.

It is the start of Meteorological Autumn today and I hope that I can improve things gradually - of course, I dislike Autumn and Winter, never liked the dark mornings and nights but I quite like the crisp walks and colours.

No Bites! Hope It Settles Down Now

 Put on for 24 hours the plug-in insect killer appears to have worked.  A good vacuum up, change of bed linen and a deep clean too.  Let's hope that is the end of it but I also have some insect killer traps too arriving today as I want to do a belt and braces approach.

I had a bad head attack last night though getting worried about the insects and bugs FFS!  I then managed to get some sleep after a wander around the house.  Middle of the early hours a huge thunderstorm rolled through and the rain really came down.  Managed to get back to sleep though.

I am going to need to tackle this edge of madness (that's me just saying that) not knowing if I am going to fine or not.  I know what is happening and can sort of control it but I just need to work on it over the coming months.  I've made a start but not on the claustrophobia which has reared its ugly head again not on the trapped feeling either.  WIP.

Anyway, I hope that I'll be able to sort myself out - I don't really need it but it has been coming in for well over a year and hopefully I can tackle it and ride out the black days.  It isn't as bad as it was a few months ago for sure.  

Another Insect Bite! It's The Year For Them Apparently!

 The insect repellent / killer arrived but I managed to get bitten anyway and saw the culprit before the plug-in was installed!  Apparently a bad year for insect bites!  The outdoor camera didn't capture me falling over yesterday on the slippery path - the delivery driver had not shut the gate properly and as I retrieved the package and went to shut the gate my plastic clogs slipped in the wet (yes it rained at last) and I fell very heavily against the gate which I managed to hold on to but nearly broke my new spectacles and left me with aching ribs, a dent in my arm and wondering how I got away with the second fall this month? 

So my lesson was to sort out my footwear in the wet and be very careful on the path.  I probably need to give it a good clean down but of course we aren't allowed to use water like that in these drought conditions!

I am up early as the outdoor camera decided to go into crazy alert mode and started pinging alerts on the phone(s) so by the time the 6th or 7th alert had gone off I was fully awake.  Nothing much on the camera record though.  Some random 4 am recording but that was it.  As I got downstairs there was an empty toilet roll cardboard tube in the middle of the floor which was a bit strange and made me check out the mouse traps but nothing there so a mystery.

I am sort of OK head-wise at the moment albeit it, some of the dread arises which I can tackle for now,  I am managing a clearer head which is good. The leg cramp I got yesterday is still giving me little reminders and is still quite tender.  

It's Bank Holiday Sunday and the weather looks surprisingly good albeit late afternoon could see more rain.  With the humidity still a little high, getting things done indoors (and out) is a little difficult but I can at least do some bits today and start making a dent in the to-do list which grows longer by the day.

Hasn't Happened For A Long Time

 The up and downside.  I managed to actually go back to sleep and woke just before the alarm went but it was a huge cramp attack that did it and it was mighty painful - woke up the OH too which wasn't to plan either.  It still hurts some 45 minutes later.  I cannot recall having quite such a bad attack in recent years albeit I did have them many years ago.

On top of that we have been bitten again by some mosquitoes or bugs.  Apparently there are lots this year and shops are selling out of the itch cream - luckily I have some but poor OH has really been bitten bless her.  I have a plug in coming today which I hope will sort that out as it appears to be overnight we get attacked.  I killed one the other day and the amount of blood splattered over my hand was quite alarming.

I'm hopeful that I can start attacking the pile of paperwork on my desk not the weather appears to have broken.  I am going to be ruthless and just get rid of things that I no longer need or want.  The NAS had a HDD failure which I hope is being fixed with a new HDD and it is going through its rebuilding cycle.  

That's another thing to sort out too. All the company IT stuff - well it's actually mine but was used for the company.  I hope that I can just keep my concentration and stop the apathy of the last 4 or 5 months.  

Retirement has come as an out of the blue shock to me really.  I think I am on terms with it now and start to move on.  I have no plan (which being an INTJ is hard) and so I'll have to see where this takes me.  

Paved With Good Intentions

 Well I am back after a strange convoluted journey home through absolutely Biblical rain and partly flooded roads.  Up early albeit not too early I suppose and slept in my own bed which means that I am not aching as much - the guest room is good but the bed was very soft and so I ached - my hip was particularly painful and this morning my knee was a little twingey too.  A long drive perhaps?

Visiting my 89 year old mum was nice but she really isn't that mobile and we didn't go out but did participate in something called 'Rummikub' with some of her friends - an interesting game.  The independent living accommodation is an interesting concept but I have to say I don't particularly like it but there you go.  It just adds to my current state of mind and whilst I feel OK at the moment, it is just OK.  I at least managed to get good sleep last night and just up a couple of times.

The biting insects continue to plague us here so we will need to get the repellent out and use that.  Very annoying and my OH, bless her, has had a few days off and now back here and the little monsters have started to bite again.  It's been the perfect weather for them! 

As for me, I think I need to reset myself (again).  It is easy for me to fall back into my inward thinking, morose thought ways.  Whether I can do that or not remains to be seen.  It's just a case of keeping some discipline and sticking to 'the plan' which I haven't fully got at the moment.

The things that defined me no longer do.  Work and all that surrounded work disappeared and I hadn't planned for retirement mentally.  I'd done the long term stuff in terms of retirement funding but the loss of anything to do with day to day living passed me by which is unusual for me.  It starts now, I know what I know and what I don't know so it is a matter of dealing with that.

The other things that are haunting me are growing old, given I see my mother's struggles and can do very little about them.  Seeing her struggle is awful and she lives a long way from me so I end up with short visits like the last four days. I couldn't get her out of the flat this time either but the weather was partly to blame for that.

Anyway, I need to face up to all of this and cut out the anxiety and morbid thoughts I am having.  The brain can be so self-destructive I find.  Why? I have no idea.  

Dawn's Early Light

 Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal'  At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.

Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought.  It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps?  Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy.  My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.

So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent.  I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this.  I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum.  Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on. 

At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year.  Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation.  I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.

The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action.  I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it.  It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done.  Specific targets and specific bits of work.  SMART we used to say.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.  

My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project.  It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this.  Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do.  These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside.  It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.

I need too to work on myself and my mental situation.  There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):

• Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
• Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
• Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
• Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.   
• Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with.  Do I need or want one (or many).  I don't know at the moment.
• General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc. 
• Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.  
• Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try.  It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work. 

Anyway that's just a bit of it - and Elephant eating will be required as well as getting all the anxiety under control - I can, of course, do this but my head (or part of it) fights me and gets in the way.  

Slow Return To Clarity

My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing.  What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked? 

Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to.  They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required.  You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of? 

So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose?  I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff.  It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state.  As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand. 

I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her.  I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.

On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in.  With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.

I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.