I wish I knew exactly what it is. It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement. I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that. Can it be just that? Is it the 20 year anniversary? I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year. Is it a combination of things? Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it. I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.
I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while. I'd very much like to not have them in the first place. It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift. Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this. I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution. The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.
Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.
I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!
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