Review Incoming

 I've done this before and I suppose life cannot really be planned and neither can it be predicted.  I am in the place where I am through a set of circumstances way out of my control (or are they?).  A project 9 years late, a supplier who has only half delivered a six month project in 8 years! An ex disgruntled business partner who feels that it is appropriate after walking away and leaving me with all the problems to start throwing bombs and brickbats at me despite the fact that it was his actions in the first place that caused this.

All of that can go away in an instant if I shut the business down.  It's a simple enough process to achieve and after a meeting this week I will form an opinion on whether or not to go down that route.  The reasons are that I've had enough of it.  The excuses, the blame game and the accusations from people who have never been involved in the business and I don't actually need this.  

Many years ago I was being (we will call it bullied) harassed by a whole team taking their lead from a senior manager and despite me calling it out to his and my boss it continued unabated for around a year.  I worked through it all and the customer was very supportive and saw what was going on too.  I delivered the part of the project that I was tasked with and whilst it was delayed through others actions the customer was delighted and I received a glowing testimonial.  Two things happened.  I felt the fuse was about to blow (my fuse) so I walked out, spoke to my boss, took two weeks off sick leave and then the second thing happened which was that the customer went ballistic at the business and rightly so.  I'd been warning them about this for a year that all the while everyone was busy making my life hell the customer was watching and making notes.

They had forgotten that they worked for the customer, by making my life hell, the customer could see that the other work was not being done and so as I left, no one had worked out that the delay meant they only had a few months left to deliver the overall project (mine being the enabling design to be used).  They had spent all their budget doing nothing and now the design was approved, they had 3 months left to do 18 months work.  

I was in a self imposed rehab, they were all to lose their contracts and be booted out leaving behind the good guys who would implement the job.  There was a little satisfaction watching it all crumble to dust around them and when I reminded them I had predicted this over a year previously and regularly at management meetings, it probably didn't help that they'd shot the messenger and not dealt with the message.

And here I am again, a little charred around the edges, certainly burnt out and not actually living my best or enjoying my current life.  The Black Dog was really bad this time and I am old enough to know that I shouldn't have got to that spot at all but sometimes when you fly solo you don't have the benefit of team members.

I have two outcomes to the review very binary yes or no to continue and I have plans to think through about it all.  In one way it is the sin of pride that makes me want to make a go of this.  I also have the other view which is "Is this what I want to do with the rest of my life?"  It will be interesting no doubt.

Nothing To Fear Except Fear Itself

 The phrase "nothing to fear but fear itself" is a quote from Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1933 first inaugural address, given during the Great Depression. He used it to encourage Americans, stating that nameless, unreasoning terror paralyses action and that the nation should instead focus on converting retreat into advance by addressing the country's challenges. 

Somehow I am still fearing another solicitor's letter or something like it coming through the post to continue this year long erosion of my mental health.  For I am feeling it in terms of the doldrums of my life, the inactivity and procrastination it heaps on me.  It really is as debilitating as the cr@p that's been thrown at me and I find it hard to actually get up and do things.  I do actually do things but it takes forever to motivate and then actually achieve something.

It's been a year to forget and now I am just looking at it all and wondering "Why the hell did I bother?"  If all I got out of it was feeling ill, stressed, shaky and unwell, what was all that about and is it going to continue to cloud my life like it has?

I see that the things I did to combat all of this over the past 12 months both consciously and unconsciously have indeed provided a solid foundation should there be any further actions although I have no idea what they might be.  I did and said all the right things and set out facts and logical arguments.  The last actions too were well documented and decisive.  I still don't feel right or good about it but I MUST remind myself that none of this is of my making and I have attempted to negotiate but been met with a blank.  If you do not attempt to work out whatever problem you have even though you have been offered the opportunity it bodes ill if you try legal action as if you haven't even attempted to resolve your differences, then you aren't going to get far.

Still I feel bad about it and it is because I could not get any engagement to resolve the issue that he alleges he has.  When I heard that it was because he felt I was treating him as if he was stupid the penny dropped.  The difficulty dealing with non technical and non commercially aware people is that they don't understand the subtlety of some of the points and do not understand the words used.  For example confusing revenue with ownership.  Once stuck in their head they will not take you explaining it and it becomes your fault that they misunderstood completely what you were saying.  

After that, things had to change and that too then compounds the problems and down the rabbit hole we went.  If your only tool is a hammer you treat every problem as a nail and it gets worse and worse and eventually there is no easy way back from your dilemma.  The nail is bent and badly bashed and cannot be withdrawn without ruining the materials around it.  Instead of stopping and reviewing and working our way out of a problem, you double down and just make matters far more disagreeable and harder to resolve with each angrier effort.

So I do fear the postman coming along with yet another threatening letter or worse and really I shouldn't  I hope it is all over but that may not be so.  I need the Fat Lady to sing and then it will be! 

Good - Another Thing Ticked Off The List

 That's the car sorted out which is good.  A little work to do in the New Year which looks to fit in nicely with a trip to the dentists which works out nicely.

At least I wasn't walking around for hours yesterday like the last time.  I was able to drop the car off, get my hair cut and have a big breakfast and then I got the call that the car was almost ready and so that was good, a slow walk, a coffee at the mobile snack bar and collection done.

Next week I have a meet with the developer and we will have a few celebratory beers and a chat about where we go next and then that will set my agenda for what to do next.

I've been weighing up the pros and cons of trying to make this work to just shutting it down and so in those terms, the chat will assist me in deciding what's the right thing to do.  

The App and Business have ruled my spare time and spilt over into most of my time and for who's benefit?  I need to consider what my decisions points are and what's important to me:

• What do I want
• What is success or failure (and does it matter)? What do they look like?
• Health and Wellness
• Home
• Personal
• Hobbies
• Life
• Relationships

Sorting out what is important to me in life.  I sort of inherited this business and ended up be default running it for the best intentions and have only had grief and misery in doing so.  The easiest thing to do is to shut it down entirely, that would get rid of the baggage I am carrying and it would draw a line under it all.  It's pretty easy to do, I just need to decide whether it is right or not.  Let's see what the meeting next week will tell me and add that into the mix and then I can review it and decide what to do to move on. 

In my heart I think I know what I need to do and I need a compelling reason not to do it.  If I start with the answers as what is important to me, then I can consider what to do after that.  

In reality it's an exit strategy from the business as who needs the hassle and trouble of it all when you don't get rewarded or recognized for actually getting it to market? 

Surprising How Little Things Increase Your Wellbeing

 I enjoyed the meeting yesterday and whilst it droned on a bit - some people have no idea of timeliness and dither and waste time, we ate late and I got home quite late too.  BUT, it was nice to meet up with some of my friends and have a nice meeting, meal and few laughs too.

Another meeting on Saturday and that will be three meetings in one week - almost a record!  Today the car passed it's MOT and whilst I need some work undertaken on the brakes next year, all is well.  I parked up, booked it in and then wandered over to the barbers and had a haircut followed by a blow out cooked breakfast and wandered slowly back past the river and explored some footpaths I have never been down before to the trailer nearby where I had a coffee and a small bar of chocolate.  The car drove past me on its test drive and I wandered over by the time it came back to the garage and I am now home.

So things are relatively on an even keel at the moment which is good.  I need to pick up the finances and banking for the meeting which I can sort out this afternoon and then I can get ready for Saturday and do it all again!

I am feeling a bit better than I have done for a while and I just need to try and maintain that balance.  I have to say that the last six months have been pretty bad on my mind and my body but I now have a few months to work out what to do about it.  

Off To Another Meeting

 I feel nervous and shaky but I am going to go to the meeting and see some other good friends whom I haven't seen since July, I am sure I will feel better when I see them and have a chat.  No judgement there and just supportive nice people.

A few minutes left before I go and I am just making the most of a quiet time.   

When You Are Not Thinking Clearly

 It has been a hell of a six months for sure.  It is interesting that it has been around five months since I last went to a Lodge meeting and I was actually quite cheered that I went and I had a good time.  It was nice to be back among friends and brothers.  The roadworks were a challenge but I used the back lanes to get there and back but I see they are also closing one of those roads which leaves no real easy way to get there and back in a few weeks time.  Who on earth decides these things needs to actually live in the area as the terrible state of the roads these days and the sheer number of closures is atrocious.

Other than that it was actually grounding for me.  A friend with whom if you didn't know us, would think we were constantly insulting each other was there.  Now it's a very English (possibly UK) thing and the banter was fun but then I checked how he was and it wasn't good. I knew he had some sort of heart problem as 6 months ago he was missing some teeth after a fall, now happily fixed.  He told me that he actually has a number of problems including Prostate Cancer picked up at a recent test.  added to heart, spine and lung problems his father -in-law passed away at the weekend!  So he an I  briefly spoke about my experiences which he remembers and I wished him well.  

Another friend who nearly hacked off his hand with a chain saw when I was ill was also there and we sort of reminisced about that as he and I spoke often about our mutual problems.

It was nice to fit into my suit and have to adjust my regalia too!  I estimate two inches, possibly three off my waist and chest which was great.  I can easily button up my jacket which was tugging 6 months ago.  My trousers were loose (I use braces which holds them up properly) and yes, that also felt good.  

I woke at around 5 this morning and the full moon was lighting up the whole area and I thought about "things" as I watched the clouds across the face of the moon and decided that perhaps I'd now review things somewhat differently and by that I mean a plan to make a decision about life, the universe and everything.  The business has become personal and will it make a difference to my life and do anything to being joy or happiness day-to-day?  At the moment, probably not.  There's the achievement of getting it to market (half of it rather than all).  There's overcoming all the brickbats thrown at me but do I really want this to be my future and to define the way I live going forward?  I dislike (as most do) being a quitter but that may be the way forward that present trends determine anyway given the useless speech by the chancellor yesterday.

It takes my time, it stops me from being retired and it also steals my energy for little or no purpose.  It's a way forward and may be what I needed to do.  

So a plan is what is needed.  An exit plan - which I never got around to writing because of the nonsense that ensued just before the desertion of the inventor bloke.  

So that's what I am going to do now, take stock, look at the risks vs rewards and determine whether it is worth doing.  There, I feel fine thinking about it and it could be a win / win for me so I can walk away and get on with my life. 

All you need is a grounding event like this and some home truths and news about some of your colleagues, one passed away last week another has had a fall and is in Hospital and you soon start to filter out the negativity in your own life and make plans to change the things that hurt and upset you. 

The Utter Weariness Of It All

I know that I am utterly exhausted by all this goings on and I have a decision to make about life, the universe and all that.  Do I bother?  That's the bottom line of it all for me is, is it worth it to carry on and if not, what's to lose?

There's something to be said for having an exit strategy and whilst I did have one for the business some years ago, I don't have one now.  You really do need on as you need to know when to continue or when to give up (and why).  Right this second, right now?  I'd give up and close it all down and go and live happily ever after.  The manner in which I have been treated and the damage it has done to me this year, suggest that it isn't worth the health impact it has had.  Mental and Physically I am exhausted.  I know this, I have had it before and it is just stressful and unneeded too.

The big black dog attack a week and a half ago was just the PTSD type reaction to it all.  It's over but is it?  That's the brain not allowing me to think it is over as I am certain it probably isn't albeit, quite what can happen now I have no idea.  I would suggest that if it is serious I will just walk away and shut it all down and have done with it.  I don't need to worry about it after that of course and it will be a case of dig what you like out of the rubble.

I am not right though and I can feel it clawing away at me.  I even caught myself thinking the unthinkable (better off dead) last week - only for a moment and I am not that way inclined I do have things to live for, my family mainly, and it was interesting that I very rarely think like that and when I do, I know that I am in a bad place.  But I know I am in a bad place.  I am not sure how to get out of it at the moment but there will be a way.  

I have to decide whether things are good for my health or not and if they aren't then they go and that's it.  Already I have started little actions to lift me, create a sense of achievement.   Three Masonic meetings coming up which will probably improve my spirits and the car in for service too which will also tick another thing off of the list.

I need to be having a serious word with myself about the business though and I am just holding back to take stock.  I was working flat out a few weeks ago but I have no appetite for it at the moment not if the very people I built it for are now intent on my downfall.  A hollow victory for me in many ways and I just don't have my heart and mind in it now.  

Oh well, the task is to try and stay positive in between the dark depression bits.  Ride the waves and try to get over the peaks and troughs and hope for calmer waters ahead I guess.  I will get there but when and how are the problems I think.   

Now To Tackle More Demons

 It's fair to say that this whole episode has worn me down and it isn't just that, there are other factors at play including frustration with myself that I didn't get things done when I should have that other stuff has taken a back seat and so on.  It is all very annoying as it adds weight to my mind when I want a blank or at least clear head.

I need a break and I need it soon.  I am sure I can fit it in but I have 4 days worth of activities in the next 5 days to get through first and then, perhaps, I can take stock.  It is always a crazy time of year and I need to make a decision on all sorts of things some trivial in nature and some more serious.

I am seriously considering some sort of retreat or perhaps counselling, I would welcome the rest and I know what is wrong I am just not facing up to it which is why I might need it.  Facing your demons is a way of thinking about it I suppose?  

What If That Was All It Was About!

 The Okey Cokey?  No, although that might be a disappointment.  No what if someone got it into their head that I thought they were a fool?  Which I didn't but in their mind that's what I implied and they've gone away and brewed on that.  Then after some months they launched an all out attack both personally and business wise on me and then this last thing a year on.

This whole period of nastiness is because this person thought I'd said something.  I tried early on to talk to him but he'd just put the phone down on me and then I offered again after his first viscous attack and again, no refused and then this latest attack where I once again referred to these attacks based on what - yes, hurty words!

Narcissistic Injury is what it is and the way out isn't an option for him, it has to be the destruction of the person that he believes is the cause of it all. 

I have to say that I haven't felt this down for years and years and I am just building myself back from it.  It really has affected me quite badly and I am just taking time to rebuild.  I've halted working on the business for a short while whilst I regather my thoughts.  

I have no doubt that somewhere along the line this guy is going to throw up some more barriers but this time, he had better have something pretty substantial.  There's not too much he can do other than make himself a nuisance.  I would have thought if he goes for solicitor opinion they'd explain why he can't do much more.

That's Better - Calm (ish) Ness Returns

 Yes, altogether a better calmer temperament today.  The shakes are diminishing thank goodness and whilst I am not 100% chipper, I am feeling a lot calmer in myself and there is far less stress.  In many ways the experience has forced me to rethink what I am doing.  I am meant to be retired and yet ended up by default running this business.  So I am taking stock of that situation now and deciding what to do about it.

I am also going to have to go back Elephant Eating.  Doing a little bit at a time.  I cannot fix it all right now so slowly slowly catchy monkey it shall have to be.  What is difficult is what to do first and so it will be the nearest thing to hand I suppose.  Once again, I need to actually do it not procrastinate and it's easy to do that in November.  Christmas is coming, New Year and so on, "I'll do that next month" and so on.

Oh well, typing this isn't going to get me started on this pile of stuff I can see by my desk. Onward!

A Second Opinion Always Helps

 Well it was great to meet up for breakfast.  Nice to hear both of our stories although not much good news rally is there?  I think we both felt a shift in the atmosphere with the goings on politically and economically and it was interesting to see my friend's reaction to my descent into the darkness experience.

It's not just the one thing I think we both agreed, it's a number of things added together that contribute to me feeling low.  Sure, the business is one thing but there's other contributory factors too.  Stuff isn't going "particularly well" I think they say in modern parlance.

It is always good to get a balanced review of your situation and apparently I should have rung earlier and I knew that but you don't do that much or at least I don't.  

I am mentally exhausted though and need a rest.  Not much of that incoming in the next two weeks but after that, perhaps I can just take a break and then see where we go from there.  I'd feel a lot better if I could raise my game and achieve some stuff but whilst I did yesterday, it was only for a day and I need to devise some way of a daily advancement to get things to improve.  Not easy for someone like me to do really.  

I know the answers but implementing them and holding the discipline to do them, well, that's a different matter altogether.  

Bottom line is that it isn't just the business cr@p that's dragging me down it's other stuff too.  I'm just not dealing with it very well that's all.  The biggest rut you have to get out of is the rut you're in.  

Breakfast With My Friend

 We go back a long way - probably 30 years or so and whilst we didn't quite hit it off first time, we gradually grew to respect each other and he's a great guy.  He is also a fellow survivor and we had cancer (different ones) but closely associated at the same time so we spent time sorting out our recoveries etc.

Today will be good as it will cheer me up no end and I can "discuss" what's just happened to me.  I sure hope I don't drain his energy - it can happen when you are discussing traumatic events.

What I cannot understand is quite how badly it has shaken me up.  I suppose I haven't seen this level of aggressive behaviour in a long time and I think I now understand what it actually is.  It certainly wasn't business and it certainly now appears to be personal albeit couched and hidden as some sort of regime change.

It appears to be something like 'Narcissistic Injury' or, 'Ego-Defensive Reactivity.'  His people are defending him, not applying business logic to the logical arguments and financial information I provided.  So that in itself implies that he has fed them a particular story that centres on his being wronged rather than the very loose reasons cited to have me removed as the director.  Interesting indeed.  The trouble is I offered early on to mediate and it was bluntly turned down and no one took that on board either.

When you deal with non business people you expect this I suppose but here we are.  The problem is I don't feel like it is a victory as it was pretty obvious what he was doing (not why he was doing it until just after the meeting when it became clear).  It became clear because as one of his friends left he used a phrase that then reminded me that this was the very phrase used when the chap quit the business!  

It's all about a word, it's all about him and feeling foolish.  He's then gone away and built a whole story about how he's been "cheated", "fooled", "wronged" and so on and his pain body and ego have added to this and he's got angrier and angrier seeking revenge and getting even (or more).  Of course his friends have rallied around and bought in to the narrative and it was telling that no one contacted me, discussed the statement or indeed appeared to have fully understood the position I was in and that he had put the company in.

Oh well, breakfast awaits and I hope that I will be feeling a lot better after that and a chat.

I Put Her Down Hours ago

 This relates to a passage in A New World where two monks are walking through driving torrential rain and come upon a village where a young lady needed to cross the road.  The older Monk picked her up so she did not get muddy and carried her across the road.   They went on their way and after around 5 hours the younger Monk said that they were not allowed to do that.

The older Monk smiled and said, I put her down hours ago.

So what I hear you say but it is that sort of thing we humans are extremely bad at.  We hold onto stuff and the outrage grows from a small incident into something far worse.

Yesterday my mind moved over to this when I realised that there is every possibility that this guy making my life and the businesses life hell could all be about how he thought I might of made a fool of him even though he never said anything at the time about it.  I certainly never said it although I am tempted to say it now.  

He's let this brew on his mind and it has grown and grown and instead of the adult conversation where he could have said something to me and I could have apologised it's full on retribution and tribal warfare.  For a word.....  

No wonder I am feeling it as well as it is an unbelievable reaction and his actions are beginning to look like he's going to invade Poland!   Could it be that all that effort and all that money has gone to a revenge vendetta because of a hurty word imagined in a conversation?  The more I think about it the more that crystallizes and hones into sharp focus.  "He's not a fool"  well you could have kidded me as who would spend the time and energy trying to destroy their own business and for why? 

Oh well, I have no idea what he will attempt to do next having exhausted his repertoire.  Hopefully he will go away and never darken my door again - they never do, do they?  I've seen it time after time as the red mist comes down and people do some pretty stupid things out of temper.   

Surely Not

 A phrase that someone used at the end of the meeting last week was something along the lines of he's not a fool.  Those words were used over a year ago by this chap giving me all the grief and I thought no, surely not, he can't be holding on to a simple misunderstanding from all that time ago.

Simple it is and I suppose he may have got the drift that me having told him and written it out 4 or 5 times that I was repeating very slowly once again he felt I was making him appear a fool - who knows who to?  He was the only one in the room!

Surely it cannot be that but the more I considered it, the more this makes some sort of sense now.  Having got the wrong end of the stick he then threw all his toys out of the pram and he's been a pain in the arse ever since.  Wow, has that really played on his mind all this time?  Now of course, having pursued this to (I hope) its conclusion, it has become a self fulfilling prophecy and the result is what he had imagined a year ago.

If this is what it is and I'm now fairly certain that it is, there isn't a way back for either of us as what he feared had happened (and hadn't) now has if that makes any sense at all?

So That's The Paperwork Done - Relaunch

 So that's is now done, the meeting minutes and covering letters in the post and whilst I feel this is all behind me now, I still dread what this bloke and do next?  I don't think there is much but you never know if he will quit and call it a day.  Judging by his attitude to date, you'd have to say he will come up with something equally aggressive and just annoying and upsetting although what it could be remains to be seen I suppose.

As an INTJ it doesn't make a lot of sense to me how people can get all charged up about things and how, on earth, things have escalated because, you know, feelings!  It beggars belief that this actually may all be down to how he thinks I may have treated him "like a fool" Apparently that sounds like what it is - coming from someone else.  If that's what I have gone through all of this cr@p for then it makes it even worse.  How can you deal with people like that?  

Anyway, the bottom line is that the action has been defeated and the business should be secure.  I am sure he can continue to make things difficult if he wants but frankly it's time to let it go. Me?  I'm going to talk with a few people and then make a decision.  I'd rather walk away than play anymore games.

A Little Better Today

 The problem when you are being attacked is that you take it personally and whilst back in the day I never used to, these days I do.

I feel sorry for this chap which perhaps I shouldn't but he doesn't appear to know how to handle a dispute he kicked off and which went from I never want to see or deal with you again, to the most outrageous attack letter to something of an afterthought letter which I ignored to this latest nastiness of regime change.

Looking at the first letter which was pretty awful it has diminished somewhat and the reasons to get rid of me were feeble but he then rallied his friends and attempted to get rid of me.  What I need to do is not to feel bad about him because he was willing to chuck me under a bus because of "feelings" not logic, not anything like that.  The stuff he wrote wouldn't stand up in a real shareholder's meeting as it would have been laughed out but he convinced his friends to join in.  The statement I wrote explained why they shouldn't but he hadn't told them that if he had of won it would almost certainly have caused the business to cease trading. 

There was no thought as to how to transition the business or how to disseminate 9 years work and pass over the business.  I think he thought well I'm the Director now and miraculously it would be made so.  Perhaps he has taken his lead from the Labour party?  They pronounce stuff and have no idea that they have to act on it.  No one seemed to pick up on it but then they've just got lumps of paper shares and they've never known anything about the business unless he told them.

The whole thing is stupid and pointless and even though I offered him a way back, he refused it and so here we are digging in deeper as if it is WW1!  I cannot make him talk or mediate and hopefully he's now received a sting and put down having lost this latest round.  Who knows.  He can I suppose launch some sort of huge legal action but he wouldn't get a 51% nod as I see it and it would cost a fortune to achieve precisely the square root of FA.  

It takes a while to settle down from nasty stuff like this and I'm sure he'll have something to say about it further along the line.  This time, if it comes, it needs to be brushed off properly.  If only we had a good number of sales I'd be able to do that but we've only been live 2 weeks and I've been dealing with him which doesn't give room for sales.

A short break and a chat with a few friends and get some balance back.  All of this over some misunderstanding and control of a company with big debts, no sales and having to combat noise and bluster! 

That Was Horrible - What An Up And Down Weekend

 That was dark, very dark, everything went dark on Saturday it was frightening but grabbing the book (A New Earth) dug me out of the hole and also got me back out of the very very black place I was in.  I've never really felt anything quite like it, meeting with a Death Eater from Harry Potter perhaps might give you the idea of what it was like.

The room, my mind, my body all went dark, black inside and drawing into myself.  I never want that again.  Much of the trembling has stopped and I can actually use my PC mouse and write again, so bad was it.  Yes, never again.  I am meeting up with my good friend this week and he and I both had our Cancers at the same time and resonate at the same frequency.

A reset is what is required and that is probably what I will now do.  Just reset myself and give myself some time and space.  

I remember years ago suffering from constant business attacks from so called colleagues and getting to a point that it wasn't worth it.  I knew I wasn't well and was burning out so I went into work one morning a few days after I had completed my tasks.  Wrote an email to my team, then one to my boss - whom I had warned repeatedly that his team were hounding me. Then left the office, walked to HQ and then spoke to my boss, said I was going away for 2 weeks and that I would be filing an official complaint because he had ignored my warnings over the months (pointing him to the various emails) and then I got a train home going past all the commuters coming into London.  I was home by 10 and then disconnected everything, put in the automatic messages and disappeared for 2 weeks. 

So maybe something like that leading up to Christmas - I'll work on it.  The difficulty is fighting the Ego and Pain Body as they truly did have a hold these past few weeks and I feel like I've been in a boxing match, the trouble is, I've been in a boxing match with myself which means I am pretty beaten up with it all.

At least the shaking has subsided and what we used to call a mental breakdown was averted and it's just a bit of annoyance and stress resident in my body that will need to be worked off in the next few days. 

OMG That Was SO Bad... Black Dog

Only a few times in my life have I been to such a very dark place.  When I kind of knew I had Cancer and when I was diagnosed with it.  When I told my Ex that it was all over.

Yesterday was as low as I think I have ever been.  It was horrible as if the lights were going out in the room and I collapsed in on my mind for a short while.  Perhaps an hour I was in very very dark territory.  I'm not fully out of it but I came to a conclusion that this could not go on and so found and then read my well dog eared copy of Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' - there is a section about the Pain Body and I really needed to read that and just stop the slide into one of the worst depressions I can thin of.  

Of course, nothing has happened, it's all in my head about what may or may not happen.  I suppose worrying about what might happen is counter productive but the ego and the pain body are pretty evil things and your own head gangs up on yourself.  It isn't logical and the INTJ kicks in and over analyses stuff that it doesn't need to.  All the permutations all of it nags to be heard and analysed and what if scenarios built and taken down.  I sometime hate my analytical brain and I need to just spend some time rebuilding - my confidence if gone, through the floor.  I dread getting the next letter from this bloke and yet, what is he going to do?  He's tried everything so far and I've not caved in but oh God, it's tiresome and I don't want or need it.

I'm seeing a very old and trusted friend this week and hopefully that might give me the reset I need.  Doing this all on your own isn't great either and I still have very shaky hands and huge doubts about my abilities and experience tells me that I should just treat it as business (which of course it is).  

Anyway, there we go.  A day of Eckhart Tolle and similar will I hope settle me down again.  At least I am not in the very dark place of yesterday.  

It Doesn't Make Sense Why I Feel Bad

 I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I feel somewhat bad about the meeting because, he's been trying to destroy me all the way along.  Not for any business reasons you understand but because he thinks I took him for a fool.  There's no other explanation other than he is just one of those people who have an evil heart I think and is hell bent on revenge but the problem is that it will come at a cost.  

It showed itself yesterday it was how I feel a meeting with your ex might be when you've been "done wrong!" but it showed a really nasty side to him which I have now seen manifest over the past 6 months.  

I then need to realise that all of this is to do with him and his actions would also have brought down the other shareholders and the business as there was no way he can pick up a business and un-stitch it from all of the IT and contractual elements if he had one.  Of course his friends are not versed in business either and perhaps follow him because they are sure he is right.  The inevitability is they all go down with the sinking ship.

Oh well, so be it but I feel bad and I think it is stress and worry more than anything else you know.  What is he going to do next?  Well there is little I think he can do next but you never know, he's tried just about all of the moves.  That's my next thing to go and check what possible moves remain?  

I now need to detach myself from this and work away from it.  It has gone on long enough and I am now thinking why not, why not give it all up and watch it crash and burn?  That's not a good starting point but it does one thing, it gets me out of the situation and it means I can get on with my life.  Choices.... 

Yuk. What Did I Expect?

 The trouble when you deal with non business people who think it is personal is you get an awful row and it got heated and messy ending up with him walking out and the vote didn't go ahead.  On reflection, that's fine albeit I never want to see this bloke again.  Nasty piece of work when he gets going.

Oh well, let's see what, if anything, he can now do?  So stressful too, I don't need it.