That Heart Stopping Moment

When you go for a pee and think you see something fire out in the stream.  Only a Bladder Cancer patient can actually tell you how utterly frightening it is to see it.  Warning - gory bit coming up.

The initial presentation is often (but not always) blood in the urine and often bits and clots firing out.  It is gross, it is highly unpleasant and unnatural and I it fills you with horror and foreboding.  A sharp intake of breath and just an almost unexplainable fear bordering on terror.  I wish no one would ever have to experience it - it is just nasty and very very frightening.

So last night, after having got my note to go and get a flexible cystoscope 2 weeks today, I go to the bathroom and saw something fly out and into the toilet bowl.  Now, it could be nothing and is more than likely to be a piece of cotton or something that just happened to be there - I certainly didn't feel anything - and generally (although not always) you can feel if it has come from within you.  I have to say I didn't experience anything like that and so whilst it took my breath away when I saw it, I did a quick think and realised that it wasn't what my instinct told me it was.  

Again, only someone who has had this will know but it brings it all back in a flash, the blood in the urine, the sting of treatment, the fear that having Cancer produces, the black cloud hanging over you and the general negative stuff you had pushed to the far reaches at the back of your mind.

I'm OK about it but of course having spooked myself a bit, sleep was a bit difficult but once I was out I was out and this morning - nothing untoward has happened.  In many ways, I'm going to be checked out in a few weeks and that's fine - if there is anything there - it will be picked up and whether I like it or not - they'll sort it out.  For now, I'm pretty certain that it was just a bit of cotton or fluff or something like that but if it isn't I'll be in good hands and will get sorted out.  Bladder Cancer is (normally) slow growing and so if it is back it will be early stages and they can sort it out.

Of course the thing is not to worry about it and as one Swallow does not a Summer make, I can start to worry if it recurs.  

Anyway - I still feel very well and not at all fatigued (I hadn't realised that had gone away - probably my diet) I also have to say that my general outlook is pretty much OK and now weight is coming under control and as we head out of winter and get some more daylight - and let's hope spring weather - I'm generally optimistic and looking forward to moving on one way or the other after I come back from holiday.