The Dilemma

Is taking so long to resolve itself.  It's all connected I think to me getting Cancer because whilst I was careering along with my career it all seemed so fluid and connected and integral and part of a plan that I had when I was younger.  I'd worked my way up and got to a point of confidence to go my own way and had for a number of years managed to make a decent living (thank you very much) out of what I did.  Then two things happened.  One was a change in the way that businesses were being treated and viewed by the Tax man and the other was, as I now recognise, the beginning of me being ill.

The Tax man was easy enough to deal with, I had to change the way that the company worked and whilst it was awkward it meant that my work load slowed and the stress went down but also I started to slow down and I started to get short tempered and not particularly likeable and then reined that in and took an employed job.  Not long after that the cancer presented itself and lo and behold my life was turned upside down - as the common parlance goes.  

Since then, it has been a journey that has shown me the best and worst in people.  It has taken me from people who thought they were running a multi million dollar business but only had £16 in the bank!  It took me to a charity where there were seriously worse off people than me and that gave me an opportunity to heal from the first disastrous venture and then of course came two years (or more) of Doddle.  That's been a real eye opener, it's proved many things to me but it has left me with more questions than answers.   Of the answers - I know that I've got the right stuff to build an effective business and pull all the components together.  the work that was conducted is to a very high standard and as many people have commented, they are very surprised that we didn't get funding but then again, many of these people haven't ever gone through a funding round.

There's miles of IP we developed but whether I'd be prepared to go through all of that again without getting paid for it is questionable.  Indeed, that's the interesting thing about it.  I've got all that experience that could be delivered but of course the majority of people who need that level of expertise are not in a position to pay for it!

So what's on the table?  Well I can pretty much do anything I want to do as long as it brings in some cash.  Somehow, now, it has to suit me.  By that I mean it needs to revolve around what I want to do.  I'm still in a different place to those around me and Monza, for example, just proved that you should get out there and enjoy yourself - I'd procrastinated long enough and just went for it.  I'm sort of held back, not free, I have "obligations" and that's also difficult in determining what to do.  Surely there comes a time, somewhere along the line, where you are no longer needed and instead of being the dutiful provider bit you just get the hell out and do your own thing.  The line between domesticity and freedom are being tested and barriers are being pushed as this is part of the exercise of what to do next.  In an ideal, blank paper situation, I'd be looking for something that I can do for the next 10 years or so heading towards retirement.  I'm working on the theory that having had cancer once, I'm pretty much likely to be more susceptible in the future (even though that may not be so) but it is likely that I'm not going to make it into my 80s and so I need to get plenty of things in within the next 10 to 20 years.

So, I'm limiting myself in my expectations to domesticity and not to freedom and perhaps I need to inject that freedom argument into my mind map sheet which is growing day by day analysing the various ideas and putting them into context.  Everything should be in and I've not been doing that "blue sky thinking" or "out of the box" thinking we used to do in workshops?

It's another "argument" to be tabled and that's the whole point of setting stuff out even the illogical and the downright absurd - there should be no idea is a bad idea philosophy applied to all ideas.  Once all these are in, then you can start to argue the pros and cons.  Because I haven't wanted to explore the secondary aspect, I haven't been giving myself a chance to review it and so have been feeling a little lost at sea with the process.  I should know better than this but of course, no one wants to consider things which may be unsavoury or may not be nice things to do.  Now I realise I should explore all these avenues as I can close them down or follow them as needed.