Preparing for normality

I have to say that the last 7 years have been incredibly up and down and I've managed to hit the highs and lows emotionally and it doesn't help when there is an inherent lack of stability in your life and in addition, it isn't the only thing that's destabilizing things.  Cancer is one huge iceberg to hit and the blow it delivers to your self-confidence is amazing.  

I sat down and watched the HBO series 'Pacific' which was a present (of my request) for Christmas - it is equally as harrowing as Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan (all made by the same people).  The last episode features one of the "heroes" returned from the war who just wasn't ready to return to civilian life.  These men had been through an unimaginable hell only glimpsed at in the film and you can only begin to start to appreciate the Post Traumatic Stress they were going through.  In one breath I cannot compare myself to them but in another perhaps I can for the stress of having Cancer does wear you down emotionally and physically.  It isn't until after the event, when you rest, when your breathing comes back to normal, when the irrational fears subside and when you can apply some cold logic to your situation and spend quiet time that the enormity of it all hits you.

The Tsunami of depression or perhaps it may be a complete lack of energy and a leaning to be introverted and silent and uncommunicative.  It can be the opposite making up for things by exploding into extrovert behaviour for the benefit of your friends and family over compensating for how crap you actually feel by doing the opposite.  All of these and many, many more are part of the journey and not everyone will be the same.  Not everyone will "think" about it or even 
consider it.  Not everyone will look to fight and change their lives and some will succumb and lay over and die.

For something like 5 years now I've been clear of Cancer and apart from these two false positives life's been sort of OK with working at the Charity and then on our Venture (now sadly closed through lack of imaginative funding).  Now I've got to work out where to go and what to do and like the soldier, I've spent some time just not wanting to do anything at all.  I can't seem to get my head around returning to civilian life and drudgery and wage slave status as it all seems somewhat pointless having come through a life changing event I wanted to do something worthwhile.  In many ways I could still be at the Charity and settled in a 9-5 but that isn't me.  

Once this weekend is out of the way and I have something I must sort out in early June then I need to prepare to be normal again - it's a big step though and the last thing I am any more is normal.