I find it both useful and destructive this underlying anger that I have these days. I can't tell you what that is about as if you know me you probably realise that most of the time I'm pretty much a level headed sort of guy, old enough to have politics a little too far right for the comfort of my kids (hey that's what Dads are there for right?) and I'm a pretty funny guy, I have the most warped, off the wall, lateral, sarcastic, off beat sense of humour. I'm prone to being quite opinionated about things, I know that, it is my job to take things and drive them through as a champion so I'll argue my corner but if you have a good point to put, that's OK too. If you let me I'll take over the meeting.
I'm just as likely to be quiet and keep myself to myself and that is also the other side of me, so you wouldn't really expect this black anger as I rarely let loose on my friends and even with idiots from companies who think they can do the customer service nonsense on me, I'm normally firm but fair.
It's the seething anger that lies within me that is a little disturbing. I've only truly vented and exploded with my full Mr. Nasty 3 or 4 times in my whole life. I remember one of my friends saying to me afterwards he had never ever seen someone so angry before. I wasn't violent with it, it was just nasty, and I remember thinking afterwards, don't ever get me really nasty as I have no idea what I would be like if I lost control. Channelling the anger is one thing but the adrenalin fuelled ferocity of it was something to behold. I hardly remember what it was about but probably someone had been baiting me and I let loose and didn't repeat the same swear word twice and probably didn't draw breath for 3 minutes whilst delivering the benefit of my experience. As someone once remarked after hearing me drilling someone that they hoped I didn't kiss my children with those lips - probably because all of the bile that had been forced through them at my target.
Even these explosive moments are not a patch on the dark and brooding anger that wells up occasionally within me. I can't even tell you what it is all about, it's like the dark dog is trapped in there trying to get out and stick me back into depressive moods but not succeeding and then there is some sort of "Injustice" anger - no doubt doing the "why me" victim bit and there is something else in there about how no one "gets it" and how tangled up you are in your own survival and that no one else gave a stuff, other than cosmetically. There's the recrimination voices giving it the "if you hadn't done ........(stick in anything you like here) then you wouldn't be in this predicament" and all the voices and nags that you get are just all in there arguing together and occasionally there is this real wish to just let someone have the benefit of this broadside of anger for, at the end of it, no real reason. Someone might be acting a pratt and I'd just like to tell them they are but who am I to say it.
Funny old thing the mind - it gives me more grief than being ill ever did. It plays tricks and pokes me, it's owner like some school room bully. I find it fascinating and annoying all at the same time. It does affect me as it makes me question my actions and I give myself such a hard time over something I may have said or did, over things I have no control over even.
Tonight, I can't tell you why it is, I am just seething. It doesn't have too much to do with the hassle of the weekend and the trials and tribulations of getting this new laptop/pc working. No it wasn't that. It isn't the fact that this month is full on, it isn't even the fact that the business is about 1 month behind my plans, no it has nothing to do with any of those. So what is it? I wish I knew myself because then I could do something about it. By writing this down I have come down a huge series of notches and I think that what it boils down to is having someone to talk to about it. My "condition" has hardly if ever been discussed in the house apart from when it has been absolutely necessary, I very much doubt the "cancer" word has been spoken more than a dozen times in 4 years 4 months! Beyond the realms of feeling tired, hungry, sleepy and wide awake, I doubt it is discussed at any depth. That could be it I suppose? This blog is good for getting stuff off of your chest and out of your head. Whether its right or wrong it doesn't matter, the result at this end is always that it makes me feel better to have written and shared it than left it bottled inside.
In the course of writing this particular missive I have gone from seething anger to quiet and calm - that's the power of blogging when no one is listening.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Halloween
I don't get it - at any other time of year it would be extortion with menaces but apparently it is quite acceptable practice to get dressed up in a disguise (remember bank robbers do this so as not to be caught) and go around the town suggesting that if you don't give a treat you'll get a trick. When I wasn't particularly well a few years back that was eggs thrown at the house, without - I hasten to add - anyone actually turning up at the door.
We know who they were and justice appears to have been done somehow or the other.
So this pagan festival that we exported has been redelivered and repackaged for the 21st Century and we now have people roaming the streets dressed hideously begging at doors! It is a strange world indeed or maybe I'm a spoil sport. I can't quite see the attraction in sending your kids out begging dressed as zombies and witches? No wonder so many people are screwed up these days.
The weekend has been given over to sorting out this PC and many other technical problems that you have to deal with day to day if you have to work with computers and PCs. If ever a device could be called the spawn of the devil it must be the Personal Computer for there is nothing personal about it at all.
Back to work tomorrow and a month coming up that is full on. It starts tomorrow with my kid brother's birthday for which I must call him. It then ramps up considerably over the next few weeks as I have meetings and my trip to Scotland to look forward to. I become Chairman of the London Lunchtimers (if voted in on Thursday) www.lunchtimers.org and that will be rather fun. I'm not sure if I will be up there for the evening as well, I'll say maybe at the moment.
I am out Wednesday too and I now have to swot up on some words for a meeting in two weeks time. In between all of this I need to be working on the website, business plans and other stuff. It all adds to the pressure on me to get things delivered in the next week or two and by the end of this month I need to be in a strong position to go and start talking to potential financiers - interestingly the business cards will arrive this week and the letterheads are ready to go so just the web site and we can really get motoring.
There is a further meeting about the wiki I developed for the central charities and it looks as if I will have some work to do this month that will give the business some revenues in December. Talking of which - I need to invoice for the work I did last month too. Suddenly there are loads of things to do and it feels like not enough time to do them. That feels like that because of the inevitable set back changing technology has had this weekend - it feels like I've lost 3 days just fiddling around trying to get the technology to work for me.
We know who they were and justice appears to have been done somehow or the other.
So this pagan festival that we exported has been redelivered and repackaged for the 21st Century and we now have people roaming the streets dressed hideously begging at doors! It is a strange world indeed or maybe I'm a spoil sport. I can't quite see the attraction in sending your kids out begging dressed as zombies and witches? No wonder so many people are screwed up these days.
The weekend has been given over to sorting out this PC and many other technical problems that you have to deal with day to day if you have to work with computers and PCs. If ever a device could be called the spawn of the devil it must be the Personal Computer for there is nothing personal about it at all.
Back to work tomorrow and a month coming up that is full on. It starts tomorrow with my kid brother's birthday for which I must call him. It then ramps up considerably over the next few weeks as I have meetings and my trip to Scotland to look forward to. I become Chairman of the London Lunchtimers (if voted in on Thursday) www.lunchtimers.org and that will be rather fun. I'm not sure if I will be up there for the evening as well, I'll say maybe at the moment.
I am out Wednesday too and I now have to swot up on some words for a meeting in two weeks time. In between all of this I need to be working on the website, business plans and other stuff. It all adds to the pressure on me to get things delivered in the next week or two and by the end of this month I need to be in a strong position to go and start talking to potential financiers - interestingly the business cards will arrive this week and the letterheads are ready to go so just the web site and we can really get motoring.
There is a further meeting about the wiki I developed for the central charities and it looks as if I will have some work to do this month that will give the business some revenues in December. Talking of which - I need to invoice for the work I did last month too. Suddenly there are loads of things to do and it feels like not enough time to do them. That feels like that because of the inevitable set back changing technology has had this weekend - it feels like I've lost 3 days just fiddling around trying to get the technology to work for me.
Clear up and some rest
I realise that this past week has been hectic and full on for me. I managed to get to bed at around 2 am this morning after wrestling with the vagaries of re-building my PC which required multiple reboots and all sorts of attention grabbing actions, that only I could do to help it decide what to load, where to load it and whether or not I wanted a load of garbage-ware added to bloat out my system even more.
I am actually looking forward to being able to use it tomorrow in anger on work. It does work like a dream and is a fast as you like. It still has many of the silly issues that I hate about software and computers.
In other news my parents have sold their place, bought their new place 10 minutes walk from my brothers house (which is a relief to me) and are hoping to make the move just before Christmas as there aren't many people in the chain. They have to downsize considerably to do that of course which is causing some anguish. These days I'm pretty certain that there are lots of things I could do without and with modern technology I could get all my record and CD collection electronic, all my books digitised and wander around with a laptop and my Kindle and MP3 player - let's face it, the only space they take up would be tiny compared to what they take up now. I'm sort of going off possessions and things to own. Somehow they don't hold the importance they did for me these days. Some sentimental stuff for sure, a box of family bits but ornaments and the like - I'm not sure.
Mrs. F. and A are gradually getting better, they appear to have lost a fair amount of weight. Mrs F has lost 4 lbs which given that she is vertically challenged anyway is a lot of weight for her to lose. A has lost almost double that which she is secretly pleased about but it is still an alarming amount to lose in a week but they just haven't been eating properly and are only just getting back to normal food now. Hopefully they'll get stronger this week.
I am actually looking forward to being able to use it tomorrow in anger on work. It does work like a dream and is a fast as you like. It still has many of the silly issues that I hate about software and computers.
In other news my parents have sold their place, bought their new place 10 minutes walk from my brothers house (which is a relief to me) and are hoping to make the move just before Christmas as there aren't many people in the chain. They have to downsize considerably to do that of course which is causing some anguish. These days I'm pretty certain that there are lots of things I could do without and with modern technology I could get all my record and CD collection electronic, all my books digitised and wander around with a laptop and my Kindle and MP3 player - let's face it, the only space they take up would be tiny compared to what they take up now. I'm sort of going off possessions and things to own. Somehow they don't hold the importance they did for me these days. Some sentimental stuff for sure, a box of family bits but ornaments and the like - I'm not sure.
Mrs. F. and A are gradually getting better, they appear to have lost a fair amount of weight. Mrs F has lost 4 lbs which given that she is vertically challenged anyway is a lot of weight for her to lose. A has lost almost double that which she is secretly pleased about but it is still an alarming amount to lose in a week but they just haven't been eating properly and are only just getting back to normal food now. Hopefully they'll get stronger this week.
Oh Dear 26th October Missed
Yes, how dare I miss such an important date as last Tuesday? For important it was. I guess with Mrs. F and A being sick as you like and neither are that good even now 6 days on I missed the date altogether.
It is 4 years since I started the blog, four years in which I've probably gone through ever conceivable emotion, every possible scrape I can get into and fortunately I've managed to still be here. If I make it to next July - then I am going to plan a 5 year celebration along with my business colleague.
Today has been difficult as I have been awaiting the synchronisation of my old and new PCs. That took 24 - yes - 24 hours. I have just had a row with Microsoft as the old software from the PC that died cannot be used on this PC even though the old PC is completely trashed and after I paid a fair amount of money for it. Apparently as it is part of a Vista PC not a Window 7 one they wont allow it to be put onto this new machine. That's the problem with modern day highway robbery for you. You can't get a Vista machine (who'd want one anyway), if I did have then it would have been OK. The irony being that I've had to upgrade to windows 7 this time and pay out even more money to not be able to run my software on it. The answer is easy enough, there is plenty of other software out there and it will be my mission to avoid ever using Microsoft again in this way. If they'd have listened to what I was telling them instead of reading off a script then maybe they'd have understood the grievance I have about it. As it is, nigh on telling me to take a flying leap and then saying have a nice day at the end says volumes about their complete neglect of their customers. Toss pots!
Having said all of that - the new PC is rather splendid and I'm now enjoying it but still getting used to the odd way it does things.
Happy 4th Belated Birthday dear Blog.
It is 4 years since I started the blog, four years in which I've probably gone through ever conceivable emotion, every possible scrape I can get into and fortunately I've managed to still be here. If I make it to next July - then I am going to plan a 5 year celebration along with my business colleague.
Today has been difficult as I have been awaiting the synchronisation of my old and new PCs. That took 24 - yes - 24 hours. I have just had a row with Microsoft as the old software from the PC that died cannot be used on this PC even though the old PC is completely trashed and after I paid a fair amount of money for it. Apparently as it is part of a Vista PC not a Window 7 one they wont allow it to be put onto this new machine. That's the problem with modern day highway robbery for you. You can't get a Vista machine (who'd want one anyway), if I did have then it would have been OK. The irony being that I've had to upgrade to windows 7 this time and pay out even more money to not be able to run my software on it. The answer is easy enough, there is plenty of other software out there and it will be my mission to avoid ever using Microsoft again in this way. If they'd have listened to what I was telling them instead of reading off a script then maybe they'd have understood the grievance I have about it. As it is, nigh on telling me to take a flying leap and then saying have a nice day at the end says volumes about their complete neglect of their customers. Toss pots!
Having said all of that - the new PC is rather splendid and I'm now enjoying it but still getting used to the odd way it does things.
Happy 4th Belated Birthday dear Blog.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Confused
I got that wrong, I thought I had been reading Julie when I had been reading Jeanette. That's what happens when you are concentrating on 10 things at once, like why it took 24 hours to synchronise my new and old laptops! Now happily done.
Well almost - there are as always lots of issues around drivers, software that wont load and all that guff. I like the way it refuses to load one of my expensive Microsoft software packages - it now wants me to do some other nonsense. I haven't finished yet - it is pants having to spend two days just loading and transferring stuff. There has to be a better way? But there is, if I get enough finance to make it so :-)
Well almost - there are as always lots of issues around drivers, software that wont load and all that guff. I like the way it refuses to load one of my expensive Microsoft software packages - it now wants me to do some other nonsense. I haven't finished yet - it is pants having to spend two days just loading and transferring stuff. There has to be a better way? But there is, if I get enough finance to make it so :-)
Friday, October 29, 2010
A big Raspberry to you Mr. Cancer
Why you shouldn't talk to your cancer.
Have a read about attitude to cancer (about 2/3rds way down)
HERE
Well said, the world's a poorer place without this lady.
Have a read about attitude to cancer (about 2/3rds way down)
HERE
Well said, the world's a poorer place without this lady.
I wasn't expecting this news
Another warrior has gone. I've followed this blog for years and this morning was totally shocked to hear the news that Julie had died. She had been given a year to live but didn't make it past a few months. She was just undergoing trial treatment and there isn't much news about what took place as the last thing I saw was the trip to get the treatment a few days ago.
It felt like someone had punched me in the chest. What a shock for her children - one of whom is in Japan studying and only really went as he knew he could get back by the time it was expected his mum would die.
If you ever get a chance to read through this blog, it has some great moments in it, some sad ones, of course and the episode with Citibank is pretty disgusting really, at least now they'll get their hands on the house - blood suckers! I hope the VP chokes on his bonus.
RIP Julie - I'm quite upset about this this morning - you become quite "attached" even though you never actually meet your cyber friends I am reminded of a quote I like to use at times like this:
It felt like someone had punched me in the chest. What a shock for her children - one of whom is in Japan studying and only really went as he knew he could get back by the time it was expected his mum would die.
If you ever get a chance to read through this blog, it has some great moments in it, some sad ones, of course and the episode with Citibank is pretty disgusting really, at least now they'll get their hands on the house - blood suckers! I hope the VP chokes on his bonus.
RIP Julie - I'm quite upset about this this morning - you become quite "attached" even though you never actually meet your cyber friends I am reminded of a quote I like to use at times like this:
"Don’t cry because its over, smile because it happened."
Slowly the household returns to normal
A isn't well still and has to go and have a blood test today to sort her out, she has been completely knocked sideways and remains lethargic and in bed or wandering around in PJs and jumpers. Mrs. F. is just exhausted and unable to go to work this morning. In fact she did 1 hour working in the house yesterday and that was that.
I'm working away and have finalised the logo and most of the artwork, letterheads, compliment slips and the web site icon. The Web site is being built now and so finally things are moving forward but perhaps 1 month later than I would have liked. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Today is new laptop - well desktop replacement - day. My Sony Vaio arrives later and will no doubt require setting up and messing around with for most of the weekend to get it to fit the home network etc. Having worked out the printing issues and the network issues I just need to start all over again. This thing is a bit of a beast as it has a whopping 18.4" wide screen on it! and a Tb of storage. It is an amazing piece of kit and I'm looking forward to that but also have a tinge of sadness as my trusty old laptop (well desktop replacement also) will be relegated to back up machine. For 7 years it has travelled around the country with me. It has been dropped, bumped and thumped and at one time it travelled all around London with me and my projector giving presentations. Amazing :-) It's just had the one new hard drive in all that time. Lately though it has been a real pain as it will not run modern software - shame. It may get a new lease of life if it is still around when our new service gets to market.
I'm working away and have finalised the logo and most of the artwork, letterheads, compliment slips and the web site icon. The Web site is being built now and so finally things are moving forward but perhaps 1 month later than I would have liked. Rome wasn't built in a day.
Today is new laptop - well desktop replacement - day. My Sony Vaio arrives later and will no doubt require setting up and messing around with for most of the weekend to get it to fit the home network etc. Having worked out the printing issues and the network issues I just need to start all over again. This thing is a bit of a beast as it has a whopping 18.4" wide screen on it! and a Tb of storage. It is an amazing piece of kit and I'm looking forward to that but also have a tinge of sadness as my trusty old laptop (well desktop replacement also) will be relegated to back up machine. For 7 years it has travelled around the country with me. It has been dropped, bumped and thumped and at one time it travelled all around London with me and my projector giving presentations. Amazing :-) It's just had the one new hard drive in all that time. Lately though it has been a real pain as it will not run modern software - shame. It may get a new lease of life if it is still around when our new service gets to market.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Taking Stock where are we
Well, A and Mrs. F. are getting better but they are still very weak. I spoke to my Nephew who met up with A and Mrs. F. on Saturday at the V&A in London, they all had different things to eat but it appears that the restaurant they went to may be the connection as he was also ill on Sunday night.
I've lost a fair amount of sleep, worry or attention perhaps? Anyway, today was a half decent day and we moved the business on a bit further meeting the web master. There are some frustrations of course as we still await some deliverables and these are now becoming critical.
Yesterday I went to the dentist and this was a less than pleasant experience only because of 4 years of tartar build up needed to be sand blasted off. That did hurt and made my gums bleed but now, of course, it is fine and feels great. The last fillings are over and now it is one root canal and one extraction and that should be me set up.
I have purchased a new laptop at last, this one is 7 years, almost 8 years old now. It has done well and now is beginning to show its age. I remember going for top of the range and it has paid off and happy with my Acer I went and looked at another, did my research and saw a stunning one that was expensive but worth it - I found another that was a better price but with a couple of bits of less specification. So I found that I wanted to get the one that was slightly less specification but had some superior features. After putting it in my basket and being made to register, I was then informed that it would be extra for delivery, OK I suppose but at that price (over £900) I would have thought it would have been included. Then they wanted a load more money for me to use my Credit Card. I await their phone call tomorrow with some interest :-) as I got fed up at that point and cancelled the order.
By luck I looked at a site I was looking at earlier had some end of line Laptops and I secured the last Sony Vaio with a whopping 18.4" screen - excellent and looking forward to getting that on Friday.
All these problems I have been having with my PC are apparently all down to its age and so this should sort things out on that front.
My parents have now sold their house and put an offer in on another not far from my brother so that will be good if they get it. It is much smaller and less work for them and so that also is a great relief as the other place was becoming a little too much to look after. Being near enough to my brother is also quite nice - perhaps 5 minutes drive if that.
I still feel a little pressurised to get things done and I need to work out all my commitments and make sure that there is time to cover everything off. I think that I just need to sit back and take a little stock of the situation and not be too worried by it. I'd like to think that this is just me doing some checking on my self :-)
I've lost a fair amount of sleep, worry or attention perhaps? Anyway, today was a half decent day and we moved the business on a bit further meeting the web master. There are some frustrations of course as we still await some deliverables and these are now becoming critical.
Yesterday I went to the dentist and this was a less than pleasant experience only because of 4 years of tartar build up needed to be sand blasted off. That did hurt and made my gums bleed but now, of course, it is fine and feels great. The last fillings are over and now it is one root canal and one extraction and that should be me set up.
I have purchased a new laptop at last, this one is 7 years, almost 8 years old now. It has done well and now is beginning to show its age. I remember going for top of the range and it has paid off and happy with my Acer I went and looked at another, did my research and saw a stunning one that was expensive but worth it - I found another that was a better price but with a couple of bits of less specification. So I found that I wanted to get the one that was slightly less specification but had some superior features. After putting it in my basket and being made to register, I was then informed that it would be extra for delivery, OK I suppose but at that price (over £900) I would have thought it would have been included. Then they wanted a load more money for me to use my Credit Card. I await their phone call tomorrow with some interest :-) as I got fed up at that point and cancelled the order.
By luck I looked at a site I was looking at earlier had some end of line Laptops and I secured the last Sony Vaio with a whopping 18.4" screen - excellent and looking forward to getting that on Friday.
All these problems I have been having with my PC are apparently all down to its age and so this should sort things out on that front.
My parents have now sold their house and put an offer in on another not far from my brother so that will be good if they get it. It is much smaller and less work for them and so that also is a great relief as the other place was becoming a little too much to look after. Being near enough to my brother is also quite nice - perhaps 5 minutes drive if that.
I still feel a little pressurised to get things done and I need to work out all my commitments and make sure that there is time to cover everything off. I think that I just need to sit back and take a little stock of the situation and not be too worried by it. I'd like to think that this is just me doing some checking on my self :-)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A little quieter now
I've collected L from the station - she had been up in London seeing a show. Mrs F has stabilised - at one time I was almost certain it was ambulance time I have to say. A is showing signs of recovery as young people do. She has to go into University tomorrow but I will see how she is in the morning. I'm just taking stock, having now repaired the network adapter (but not sorted the overall network problems). At least we can all get on-line now but seeing th network and sharing files and printers may take a few more tries :-(
I am now under some serious pressure to get things sorted out. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that I've lost the best part of 10 hours work today. Tomorrow looks to be equally as bad and with a trip to see my dentist - the afternoon looks to be pretty much a lost cause if my mouth is as numb as it was two weeks ago :-)
In fact, I did say to my business partner that we are both putting a little too much pressure on ourselves and perhaps just need to take a break for a breath and some reflection and then go on from there. We forget how much we have produced and how far we have come. We got a stack of work out last week and are really in a good position to tackle the more interesting parts of the project now. With a bit of luck we may even get to a position to talk to financial backers before Christmas which would be good. However, we may need to temper our enthusiasm a little bit as the market does get a little quiet in December.
Well - I'd better finish off down here, drink my cup of tea and get off to bed or rather to my chair as I don't want to disturb Mrs. F now that she is resting at last...
What a day, what a day....
I am now under some serious pressure to get things sorted out. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that I've lost the best part of 10 hours work today. Tomorrow looks to be equally as bad and with a trip to see my dentist - the afternoon looks to be pretty much a lost cause if my mouth is as numb as it was two weeks ago :-)
In fact, I did say to my business partner that we are both putting a little too much pressure on ourselves and perhaps just need to take a break for a breath and some reflection and then go on from there. We forget how much we have produced and how far we have come. We got a stack of work out last week and are really in a good position to tackle the more interesting parts of the project now. With a bit of luck we may even get to a position to talk to financial backers before Christmas which would be good. However, we may need to temper our enthusiasm a little bit as the market does get a little quiet in December.
Well - I'd better finish off down here, drink my cup of tea and get off to bed or rather to my chair as I don't want to disturb Mrs. F now that she is resting at last...
What a day, what a day....
Monday, October 25, 2010
I don't like Mrs. F. being ill
She is pretty ill as is A today with some food poisoning, they both had some strange concoction of chili sausage and were both ill, A first overnight and Mrs. F from the early hours. she isn't good at all. A is slowly recovering but looks pretty awful, Mrs. F. is vomiting nothing at the moment. I've got some stuff from the Pharmacist and some of the rehydration stuff too but that eased for an hour or so before that reappeared. She doesn't want the Doctor and there isn't a lot you can do about food poisoning other than let it takes it course. L is out in London and due back late so I need to pick her up from the station gone 11 tonight I guess.
I don't cope with illness at all well these days, I used to be OK but I have a series of bad nightmares about being ill and it doesn't help that I can't do much other than bring water and clear up the mess. I doubt I'll sleep much tonight either as she is pretty restless, maybe I'll just sit up in my rocking chair in the bedroom and keep a bit of a vigil. When A came up and asked if mum was going to be all right I nearly lost it. I've at least satisfied myself that I have enough knowledge to keep her sorted out and have phone numbers handy in case she isn't OK.
What a horrible day, the poor girl has been terribly ill. I couldn't go out tonight and just had to leave everyone to it. I don't like letting them down but needs must. In addition I was going to blog about the talk on Saturday - I will have to do that when things calm down. In addition to all this - somehow all the PCs have gone wrong - which indicates to me that the Microsoft updates that arrived over the weekend have conspired to kill off my network printing services and I can no longer share files or anything else across the network I built. L's laptop doesn't want to connect at all - and whilst I have managed to get the others to connect they wont print or share files which means more hours of messing about courtesy of some technical wizard trying to make things easy for me!
I have the dentist tomorrow - I shall look like a Zombie by the time I see him in the afternoon. I also find that my trusty laptop will probably have to be replaced too now after 6 or 7 years of sterling service albeit with a new hard drive. More expense to explain away to Mrs. F. when when feels better. At least L passed her theory test for driving today which is great news. We could hardly share it when she got home as it looks, smells and sounds like a Hospital upstairs :-)
I had some great plans to get some work done today and they have been completely scuppered as have the need for me to get ready for an important meeting on Wednesday when I have the web designer coming around so we can resolve all the technicalities around that.
I could end up being quite stressed out by the end of this week if it continues apace like it is!
I don't cope with illness at all well these days, I used to be OK but I have a series of bad nightmares about being ill and it doesn't help that I can't do much other than bring water and clear up the mess. I doubt I'll sleep much tonight either as she is pretty restless, maybe I'll just sit up in my rocking chair in the bedroom and keep a bit of a vigil. When A came up and asked if mum was going to be all right I nearly lost it. I've at least satisfied myself that I have enough knowledge to keep her sorted out and have phone numbers handy in case she isn't OK.
What a horrible day, the poor girl has been terribly ill. I couldn't go out tonight and just had to leave everyone to it. I don't like letting them down but needs must. In addition I was going to blog about the talk on Saturday - I will have to do that when things calm down. In addition to all this - somehow all the PCs have gone wrong - which indicates to me that the Microsoft updates that arrived over the weekend have conspired to kill off my network printing services and I can no longer share files or anything else across the network I built. L's laptop doesn't want to connect at all - and whilst I have managed to get the others to connect they wont print or share files which means more hours of messing about courtesy of some technical wizard trying to make things easy for me!
I have the dentist tomorrow - I shall look like a Zombie by the time I see him in the afternoon. I also find that my trusty laptop will probably have to be replaced too now after 6 or 7 years of sterling service albeit with a new hard drive. More expense to explain away to Mrs. F. when when feels better. At least L passed her theory test for driving today which is great news. We could hardly share it when she got home as it looks, smells and sounds like a Hospital upstairs :-)
I had some great plans to get some work done today and they have been completely scuppered as have the need for me to get ready for an important meeting on Wednesday when I have the web designer coming around so we can resolve all the technicalities around that.
I could end up being quite stressed out by the end of this week if it continues apace like it is!
What a weekend and today
Just hasn't started in great fashion.
I'll do some more later in the week but it looks like an attack of the Norovirus here - or something similar. Mrs. F and A are being sick all over the place and luckily L who's theory driving test it is today seems to be all right. I am not feeling great but I now have to get her to and from the test centre - which effectively kills my morning off.
The Weekend was full on as I had a Lodge meeting Saturday morning followed by lunch and then an Ladies' Night with 5 course dinner to navigate. Especially as no one had worked out they needed an MC and Chaplain - which I ended up doing myself.
The house sounds pretty awful this morning as you can imagine. I've been up a fair bit of the night tending to the wounded and they don't appear to be an awful lot better. L and I so far appear OK. I certainly don't want anything like it.
I'll pull a post together about the talk we had on Saturday from an eminent research professor who is one of the world's leading experts on Prostate Cancer. Amazing things he mentioned and discussed with us. Suddenly, my regard or Ketchup has gone up and it appears that this is one of those "special" food stuffs - amazing yet true.
Stay tuned.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Feeling quite rough today
I had a very bad night - I slept OK but my head is just so muddled at the moment. I don't understand things happening around me and I can run multi million pound projects, run teams and do all these great things but ask me to tell you about relationships and I can't tell you anything. I don't get it because my brain is wired a different way to most other people I can't tell if someone is flirting or making a pass, I can't work out all these coded messages that are used and the trouble is I know I can't and then beat myself up about it.
Last night I met with all the folks from work and suddenly I realised that other factors were at play too, like we only meet every few months and that in itself means lots of attention and discussing the gossip and direct contact which to me is all well and good but I realised when I got home that all this attention and body language left me completely confused. Then I realised how isolated an existence I live at the moment, I am sat here at my desk working away, reading, writing, thinking etc and I'm not having the sort of day to day interaction and the ability to talk and interact.
I'm feeling rough because I'm ploughing a lonely furrow here - it is mainly cerebral work and cannot be done in groups except workshops etc. I think I shall also change my music selection - listening to Tracy Chapman can be a bit depressing sometimes - mind you I could always stick on some Leonard Cohen :-)
I don't remember being like this as many times before I got Bladder Cancer. Maybe it is that, maybe this is just one of those depression moments I have written about before, at the moment I can't tell - I can see what triggered it and I can see that the result is me feeling really down and rough. I have a feeling it is also that yesterday I did about 18 hours out of the house and the successes of the past few weeks and the "high" from them and the realisation that there is still more to do before we get near to our target may also be draining me too.
It is going to be a nice weekend with a meeting tomorrow followed by a Ladies' Night in the evening which will be nice. Korean Grand Prix on Sunday and I think an easy day for me, I need to recharge my batteries - talking of which my battery tester has arrived now so I can check out a drawer full of batteries (no one knows if they work or not!!!) only in my house could it happen that good and bad batteries all got mixed up. We have now started a recycling area for dead batteries.
I hope this little dark cloud over me gets out of the way and that this sneezing and runny nose aren't something from the train journey to and from London yesterday. Maybe that's it too.
All in all a not good day....
Last night I met with all the folks from work and suddenly I realised that other factors were at play too, like we only meet every few months and that in itself means lots of attention and discussing the gossip and direct contact which to me is all well and good but I realised when I got home that all this attention and body language left me completely confused. Then I realised how isolated an existence I live at the moment, I am sat here at my desk working away, reading, writing, thinking etc and I'm not having the sort of day to day interaction and the ability to talk and interact.
I'm feeling rough because I'm ploughing a lonely furrow here - it is mainly cerebral work and cannot be done in groups except workshops etc. I think I shall also change my music selection - listening to Tracy Chapman can be a bit depressing sometimes - mind you I could always stick on some Leonard Cohen :-)
I don't remember being like this as many times before I got Bladder Cancer. Maybe it is that, maybe this is just one of those depression moments I have written about before, at the moment I can't tell - I can see what triggered it and I can see that the result is me feeling really down and rough. I have a feeling it is also that yesterday I did about 18 hours out of the house and the successes of the past few weeks and the "high" from them and the realisation that there is still more to do before we get near to our target may also be draining me too.
It is going to be a nice weekend with a meeting tomorrow followed by a Ladies' Night in the evening which will be nice. Korean Grand Prix on Sunday and I think an easy day for me, I need to recharge my batteries - talking of which my battery tester has arrived now so I can check out a drawer full of batteries (no one knows if they work or not!!!) only in my house could it happen that good and bad batteries all got mixed up. We have now started a recycling area for dead batteries.
I hope this little dark cloud over me gets out of the way and that this sneezing and runny nose aren't something from the train journey to and from London yesterday. Maybe that's it too.
All in all a not good day....
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
When silence isn't golden
Well I reckon I have totally hacked off my friend as I haven't heard from him since Monday when I dropped the bombshell about his new employer. I suppose it may be better me delivering the punch than someone else a few weeks down the line when it's all gone even further?
We made some more progress on the business today getting towards the holy grail of having our business logo, tag line and web site sorted - it is getting close and the goose bump moment came today when the tag line and logo were agreed and the artwork arrived - along with the invoice :-)
I was hoping to get this sorted by the end of October - that looks a tadd ambitious to me at the moment. Perhaps by mid November. The trouble is we are hurtling towards December and Christmas - we are about 1 month off target - not bad I suppose. We agreed that we carry on and not give up 3 feet from the Gold.
Off to town in the morning for a day of Festival Forum workshops and presentations. I am glad I am not organising this one having done much on the last 2...
We made some more progress on the business today getting towards the holy grail of having our business logo, tag line and web site sorted - it is getting close and the goose bump moment came today when the tag line and logo were agreed and the artwork arrived - along with the invoice :-)
I was hoping to get this sorted by the end of October - that looks a tadd ambitious to me at the moment. Perhaps by mid November. The trouble is we are hurtling towards December and Christmas - we are about 1 month off target - not bad I suppose. We agreed that we carry on and not give up 3 feet from the Gold.
Off to town in the morning for a day of Festival Forum workshops and presentations. I am glad I am not organising this one having done much on the last 2...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
End of a long day
I've had a long day and it's time to go to bed. I'm wondering quite what the rest of the week will bring - it's only Tuesday and I feel I've done a full week already.
I have an interesting day on Thursday, going back up to London to see the troops and run through the new web site I've developed for them. I've managed to stop them asking for me to change it (because they can) by then. I can't believe they are titivating about with it when it has been through close to 16 versions getting to here. The powers that be have a bee in their bonnet about changing one of the titles of the plan. The trouble is that by doing so they totally confuse it with other areas of the plan hence it was originally discussed and changed by committee 14 versions ago!!! Don't ask me, I just do what they want to do but it seems stupid to me. My problem is that change for changes sake isn't a good thing. By changing one section they totally change the whole tone of the piece. That's what they never get - it is the whole thing that is important and reading something in isolation will inevitably lead to a problem later.
Oh well - you can't tell them!
I have an interesting day on Thursday, going back up to London to see the troops and run through the new web site I've developed for them. I've managed to stop them asking for me to change it (because they can) by then. I can't believe they are titivating about with it when it has been through close to 16 versions getting to here. The powers that be have a bee in their bonnet about changing one of the titles of the plan. The trouble is that by doing so they totally confuse it with other areas of the plan hence it was originally discussed and changed by committee 14 versions ago!!! Don't ask me, I just do what they want to do but it seems stupid to me. My problem is that change for changes sake isn't a good thing. By changing one section they totally change the whole tone of the piece. That's what they never get - it is the whole thing that is important and reading something in isolation will inevitably lead to a problem later.
Oh well - you can't tell them!
A Troubled Time
I looked up my friend's new business and started to get quite concerned about the turn of events. You know when you look at a web site and go ooohhhh what doesn't add up here? Well I did a bit of digging and found that I couldn't establish any of the bona fides for the testimonials. None of them were from established businesses and I only found one of the businesses operating out of a one room office in a serviced building. Then I did a search at Companies House and found that this business, whilst stating 15 years in business, was only incorporated in March of this year. There are no previous businesses.
I then looked at the site and they made more of recruiting salespeople than getting customers - a bit strange to have a site that does that I would have thought. They are below the 8,000,000 in the Alexa rankings for their trade. What do I say to him? I mean he's quit jobs with real money to chase this one which is commission only and my gut feel is - it isn't what it purports to be at all. It is something setup to be a sales vehicle. When putting their name into Google and similar all you get are job adverts for people to work all over the country for commission only, they advertise huge payouts. Surely a bit of due diligence would have rung some alarm bells on it.
Unfortunately, like many, the promise of a quick win and a quick get rich approach is too tempting. All too often these things turn out to be bad for him and it isn't the first time. The trouble is, I've told him so many times before that I am the harbinger of doom. I've made him aware of the recent incorporation of the business. He, having made hundreds and hundreds of calls and not even got an appointment yet may be able to draw his own conclusions.
I go back to my comments earlier this month about feeling bad that I can't help or feel so helpless and not able to make a difference. I can't do everything, I've felt that I should try and help everyone and spread the joy of my survival. I can't do it can I? I feel really bad I just bring this guy bad news.
It appears to me that in the headlong rush some make to get out of the rut they are in they find that they just dig themselves further into the rut they are in.
I then looked at the site and they made more of recruiting salespeople than getting customers - a bit strange to have a site that does that I would have thought. They are below the 8,000,000 in the Alexa rankings for their trade. What do I say to him? I mean he's quit jobs with real money to chase this one which is commission only and my gut feel is - it isn't what it purports to be at all. It is something setup to be a sales vehicle. When putting their name into Google and similar all you get are job adverts for people to work all over the country for commission only, they advertise huge payouts. Surely a bit of due diligence would have rung some alarm bells on it.
Unfortunately, like many, the promise of a quick win and a quick get rich approach is too tempting. All too often these things turn out to be bad for him and it isn't the first time. The trouble is, I've told him so many times before that I am the harbinger of doom. I've made him aware of the recent incorporation of the business. He, having made hundreds and hundreds of calls and not even got an appointment yet may be able to draw his own conclusions.
I go back to my comments earlier this month about feeling bad that I can't help or feel so helpless and not able to make a difference. I can't do everything, I've felt that I should try and help everyone and spread the joy of my survival. I can't do it can I? I feel really bad I just bring this guy bad news.
It appears to me that in the headlong rush some make to get out of the rut they are in they find that they just dig themselves further into the rut they are in.
Powerless to help
My friend who drains me of energy turned up tonight and was once again in gloomy mood. He has finally worked out that he can't afford a number of things and this weekend's Ladies' Festival is one of them, his wife said enough is enough and so it is. I hadn't realised that he had given up the couple of jobs he was doing when the last one came along so he could concentrate on that which wasn't a good idea as it went pear shaped. This new job isn't doing a lot for him either and the steady income he did has is no longer available.
You can't make this stuff up and he is a troubled, tortured soul but what can I do? I can listen, I can advise (not that he has ever taken any of my advice in all the years I've known him). I could give him some money, pay for him to come along at the weekend but he wouldn't like that, he and I both know that - he is too proud - yet I've made him admit he would do it for me if he could!!!
I know I whinge on about how this guy saps my strength but I can only feel sorry for him in his present predicament, however brought about, these days it is so difficult to get out of the rut you are in and even thinking straight will not work as he isn't thinking straight. I feel utterly powerless to do anything. Whatever I do will be misconstrued and I am in my own battle to make ends meet - not as deep as he is of course - but I need to be mindful about it.
I remember the conversation around me paying off my mortgage and him saying that he had more debts than when he bought his house. I won't go into the details but it is a serious case of heart ruling head. I sometimes used to look at him taking his family away to the Maldives or Florida or some far off sunny locale and wonder how they could afford it. The difference is that we did foundation work and didn't spend what we didn't have.
I wonder if I would have preferred to have that sort of lifestyle then and be paying for it now (he is 5 - 6 years older than me) but have to work right up to and beyond retirement. I'm a little more circumspect and have been pretty much checked by the financially astute Mrs. F. over the years. We will push out the boat when necessary but everything has been centred on making a family home, making sure we had what was needed and we even made sure that things would be OK before embarking on having a family. Interestingly, the last of our long-term investments come out next year and the year after. We put things in place 25 or more years ago so that we knew that we would have something available at this point in time. The difference is striking but should I be feeling this bad because I put this stuff in place?
It is so difficult to maintain objectivity when it is a friend. As a friend he is pushing it to the very edge of the envelope but perhaps, now that the realisation is hitting home he will at last take a long hard look at his situation and will remember all the sage advice I've given him over the years.
Then again - maybe not. Life's like that sometimes.
You can't make this stuff up and he is a troubled, tortured soul but what can I do? I can listen, I can advise (not that he has ever taken any of my advice in all the years I've known him). I could give him some money, pay for him to come along at the weekend but he wouldn't like that, he and I both know that - he is too proud - yet I've made him admit he would do it for me if he could!!!
I know I whinge on about how this guy saps my strength but I can only feel sorry for him in his present predicament, however brought about, these days it is so difficult to get out of the rut you are in and even thinking straight will not work as he isn't thinking straight. I feel utterly powerless to do anything. Whatever I do will be misconstrued and I am in my own battle to make ends meet - not as deep as he is of course - but I need to be mindful about it.
I remember the conversation around me paying off my mortgage and him saying that he had more debts than when he bought his house. I won't go into the details but it is a serious case of heart ruling head. I sometimes used to look at him taking his family away to the Maldives or Florida or some far off sunny locale and wonder how they could afford it. The difference is that we did foundation work and didn't spend what we didn't have.
I wonder if I would have preferred to have that sort of lifestyle then and be paying for it now (he is 5 - 6 years older than me) but have to work right up to and beyond retirement. I'm a little more circumspect and have been pretty much checked by the financially astute Mrs. F. over the years. We will push out the boat when necessary but everything has been centred on making a family home, making sure we had what was needed and we even made sure that things would be OK before embarking on having a family. Interestingly, the last of our long-term investments come out next year and the year after. We put things in place 25 or more years ago so that we knew that we would have something available at this point in time. The difference is striking but should I be feeling this bad because I put this stuff in place?
It is so difficult to maintain objectivity when it is a friend. As a friend he is pushing it to the very edge of the envelope but perhaps, now that the realisation is hitting home he will at last take a long hard look at his situation and will remember all the sage advice I've given him over the years.
Then again - maybe not. Life's like that sometimes.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Unplanned makes for good times
I got a call on Sunday and was invited to go to the pub. Well I don't need a second invite :-) I went up and spent about 4 hours there total as my friend and I had 2 hours together then a friend's son happened to be back from Uni so I called A and she came over to see him as they are the oldest of friends = they were born within hours of each other and that's how we all came to be friends. Nice!
I got back in time for a nice evening meal and then had a booze induced snooze :-) That's a nice Sunday but it stopped me working and so it should - glad I didn't do anything. However this morning I had to dash up to the Costa Coffee shop up the road to see a few guys about getting things straight for next week's meeting. I've then done the document I should have done on Sunday afternoon which increases the subs for our Lodge - I'm not going to be popular but it is something that should have been done some time ago really and no one get up the balls to do it at the time, now it HAS to be done and of course the pain is significant just when most people can't afford all these increases. It is a matter of biting the bullet and just doing it.
I've been invited on a bit of a bender weekend to Scotland in November. I'm keen in a way to go up there but these boys can drink! I need to find myself a cheap tie too as when they came down here earlier this year they relieved me of mine which at £15 was a bit of a blow! I won;t be wearing my nice silk one that is for sure :-) So I need to decide if I want to go. It will be a nice opportunity to see Scottish working and have a weekend's break. I'll see if Mrs. F. concurs and wants to get rid of me :-)
I still feel very well indeed and I am starting to notice it in subtle ways, just feeling fitter and my mind is almost back to working at its creative best, I am not getting anywhere near as tired as I used to get and a fair amount of my stamina is back. Once those sorts of things start to come back so your self esteem and confidence begin to build and everything starts to come back.
I'm feeling up to doing some work at the Lodge of Instruction tonight as I think after all this time, I might finally be able to remember all the words which I haven't been able to for at least 4 years. It says something that I probably haven't taken a big role since being ill. I've managed to unclog my brain on the accounts too so it is all beginning to come back to me now.
I'm not sure how all this stuff works exactly but at the moment, I can probably say that I am the best I have been since July 2006 or perhaps even before that. Long may that continue. I now need to build on my well-being and sensibly use all these extra strength, brain power etc to do something worthwhile.
We have started using the phrase to "engender positive social change" as part of what we are attempting to do in our new venture. Social philanthropy doesn't "cut it" with all investors but we hope we might get this message across that we can do real good with our view of the future. Here's hoping that we aren't barking mad :-)
I got back in time for a nice evening meal and then had a booze induced snooze :-) That's a nice Sunday but it stopped me working and so it should - glad I didn't do anything. However this morning I had to dash up to the Costa Coffee shop up the road to see a few guys about getting things straight for next week's meeting. I've then done the document I should have done on Sunday afternoon which increases the subs for our Lodge - I'm not going to be popular but it is something that should have been done some time ago really and no one get up the balls to do it at the time, now it HAS to be done and of course the pain is significant just when most people can't afford all these increases. It is a matter of biting the bullet and just doing it.
I've been invited on a bit of a bender weekend to Scotland in November. I'm keen in a way to go up there but these boys can drink! I need to find myself a cheap tie too as when they came down here earlier this year they relieved me of mine which at £15 was a bit of a blow! I won;t be wearing my nice silk one that is for sure :-) So I need to decide if I want to go. It will be a nice opportunity to see Scottish working and have a weekend's break. I'll see if Mrs. F. concurs and wants to get rid of me :-)
I still feel very well indeed and I am starting to notice it in subtle ways, just feeling fitter and my mind is almost back to working at its creative best, I am not getting anywhere near as tired as I used to get and a fair amount of my stamina is back. Once those sorts of things start to come back so your self esteem and confidence begin to build and everything starts to come back.
I'm feeling up to doing some work at the Lodge of Instruction tonight as I think after all this time, I might finally be able to remember all the words which I haven't been able to for at least 4 years. It says something that I probably haven't taken a big role since being ill. I've managed to unclog my brain on the accounts too so it is all beginning to come back to me now.
I'm not sure how all this stuff works exactly but at the moment, I can probably say that I am the best I have been since July 2006 or perhaps even before that. Long may that continue. I now need to build on my well-being and sensibly use all these extra strength, brain power etc to do something worthwhile.
We have started using the phrase to "engender positive social change" as part of what we are attempting to do in our new venture. Social philanthropy doesn't "cut it" with all investors but we hope we might get this message across that we can do real good with our view of the future. Here's hoping that we aren't barking mad :-)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday - part work part play today
It was good to get my smart phone working this morning at breakfast. It does loads of things that are probably very interesting but for me the ability to make phone calls and receive emails is plenty together with it being online - especially when here as I can connect it to my wifi network which is just dandy. It does some smarts like working out photos of people on facebook and sticking their birthday and photo next to the phone number so that's convenient. Let's see how it gets on - it has a big battery which is what I need to make sure I'm not always charging it. I've almost worn it out today as I have been setting it up and doing all sorts of tests and merging data etc.
I've also managed to sort out one lot of accounts and I'm happy that I can probably put that lot to bed early next year after the financial year ends 31st December. I have a little more difficult job on Sunday as I have some accounts in not great state that I've just taken over and I have to make a call on increasing fees - a tough call the way the economy is but I can't see an easy fix for it at the moment.
I'm not sure that I feel any better about my lot than I did last night. I find the present times quite strange as I am working flat out and yet have hardly anything tangible to show for it at the moment. That's mainly not surprising as the business is pretty young. We need to do so much more work in this run up to Christmas. It isn't that really though, it is whether there are other fallouts coming through me doing it? It seems to be a cause for concern - not to me.
The more I think about meeting with the Lawyer on Wednesday the better I feel. I've met only one person who dismissed our ideas and it was because he was lazy and also that he had no social graces. This guy was - as you would expect - extremely clever in what he asked and how he asked it. His "line of questioning" was very good as it drew out what we were doing and re-enforced the homework that we had done, where we were and that there wasn't an area we couldn't answer with relative ease or that we had prepared for. There were a couple of interesting moments especially around the level of investment we had put in and would put in to match the investors. The surprise here is that we have thought that through and the answer is that there is no way we can match them in any way especially because the sort of investment we are going for is to build a large business, our paltry sums would be swallowed and be worthless. Our risks are in working on this now with no income. The business probably wont make any real money for 18 months even after we have finance and so the risk is that we could end up on basic money for 18 months and still get nowhere. Anyway, even on that point we had done some work. We are getting towards being more confident and soon we will have enough pieces in place to do a soft launch.
Until then, I'll have to continue to work at home all hours and just get on with it.
I've also managed to sort out one lot of accounts and I'm happy that I can probably put that lot to bed early next year after the financial year ends 31st December. I have a little more difficult job on Sunday as I have some accounts in not great state that I've just taken over and I have to make a call on increasing fees - a tough call the way the economy is but I can't see an easy fix for it at the moment.
I'm not sure that I feel any better about my lot than I did last night. I find the present times quite strange as I am working flat out and yet have hardly anything tangible to show for it at the moment. That's mainly not surprising as the business is pretty young. We need to do so much more work in this run up to Christmas. It isn't that really though, it is whether there are other fallouts coming through me doing it? It seems to be a cause for concern - not to me.
The more I think about meeting with the Lawyer on Wednesday the better I feel. I've met only one person who dismissed our ideas and it was because he was lazy and also that he had no social graces. This guy was - as you would expect - extremely clever in what he asked and how he asked it. His "line of questioning" was very good as it drew out what we were doing and re-enforced the homework that we had done, where we were and that there wasn't an area we couldn't answer with relative ease or that we had prepared for. There were a couple of interesting moments especially around the level of investment we had put in and would put in to match the investors. The surprise here is that we have thought that through and the answer is that there is no way we can match them in any way especially because the sort of investment we are going for is to build a large business, our paltry sums would be swallowed and be worthless. Our risks are in working on this now with no income. The business probably wont make any real money for 18 months even after we have finance and so the risk is that we could end up on basic money for 18 months and still get nowhere. Anyway, even on that point we had done some work. We are getting towards being more confident and soon we will have enough pieces in place to do a soft launch.
Until then, I'll have to continue to work at home all hours and just get on with it.
Friday, October 15, 2010
So Why Did I Survive?
Now here is an interesting problem that I get - not sure if everyone else does though so don't take this as a common occurrence it may be just a few of us...
You can look at this particular question a number of ways and you can rationalise it different ways too.
When I've done all the basic rationalisation I came to the conclusion that I did it for myself. Yes I did it for me. Why me? Well because frankly the way other people treat me now, there is no way I would have done it for them. By that I mean that I had a sort of idealogical, rose tinted view of survival and what it would be like. You see, it would be like starting all over again, with a clean sheet of paper. Things that weren't great beforehand would be better, I'd make the word a better place (OK I might still do that! :-)), I'd be treated with a bit of respect, that relationships would somehow magically mend and become closer as they had drifted apart.
I felt that adversity would indeed build a lasting bond and produce this much better life because I had survived and because I saw life as precious and it meant something. What I went through (and am still going through) must have mattered, it was character building stuff, it changed me a lot, it made me more sensitive, more caring, more tolerant (yes it did!!!) and it gave me a whole new outlook on life.
And yet, as I've said before, only I changed, it's still the same old, same old. OK - I've heard from a very drunken source just how frightened everyone was for me but no one has ever said that to me sober. No one has ever admitted, just a little, that they were worried about what was going to happen to me and its as if it never happened. That's what has surprised me the most. No one gives a flying **** about me really apart from me - sure my parents but that's different and my mum I know has taken it the hardest but we have always gotten along just great and I know that it wounded her more than just about anyone else.
I survived (accepting all the medical stuff of course and good fortune and early diagnosis etc) because I wanted to, more than anything I'd realised that it was important to fight this and those who don't inevitably lower their chances (that's what I believe anyway). It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't heroic, it wasn't some huge battle it was as it was, tough going, stoic stuff. I did it because I truly felt things would be different afterwards. Tonight I feel robbed of that - nothing has changed, things are still the same, attitudes linger and I get treated the way I always did and get taken for granted. That's life and what you deal with - I'm sure everyone deals with that sort of stuff day in and day out and that's fine, why should I be any different?
Well - I should be different because that's what I thought would happen and it hasn't (well it hasn't yet). I'm not particularly bitter about it, it just is what it is really, nothing has changed which in my opinion means that perhaps the only person who gets to learn from the whole experience was me. It seems a waste that no one else took away the messages and positives of the journey really. Just me then :-) As normal.
You can look at this particular question a number of ways and you can rationalise it different ways too.
When I've done all the basic rationalisation I came to the conclusion that I did it for myself. Yes I did it for me. Why me? Well because frankly the way other people treat me now, there is no way I would have done it for them. By that I mean that I had a sort of idealogical, rose tinted view of survival and what it would be like. You see, it would be like starting all over again, with a clean sheet of paper. Things that weren't great beforehand would be better, I'd make the word a better place (OK I might still do that! :-)), I'd be treated with a bit of respect, that relationships would somehow magically mend and become closer as they had drifted apart.
I felt that adversity would indeed build a lasting bond and produce this much better life because I had survived and because I saw life as precious and it meant something. What I went through (and am still going through) must have mattered, it was character building stuff, it changed me a lot, it made me more sensitive, more caring, more tolerant (yes it did!!!) and it gave me a whole new outlook on life.
And yet, as I've said before, only I changed, it's still the same old, same old. OK - I've heard from a very drunken source just how frightened everyone was for me but no one has ever said that to me sober. No one has ever admitted, just a little, that they were worried about what was going to happen to me and its as if it never happened. That's what has surprised me the most. No one gives a flying **** about me really apart from me - sure my parents but that's different and my mum I know has taken it the hardest but we have always gotten along just great and I know that it wounded her more than just about anyone else.
I survived (accepting all the medical stuff of course and good fortune and early diagnosis etc) because I wanted to, more than anything I'd realised that it was important to fight this and those who don't inevitably lower their chances (that's what I believe anyway). It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't heroic, it wasn't some huge battle it was as it was, tough going, stoic stuff. I did it because I truly felt things would be different afterwards. Tonight I feel robbed of that - nothing has changed, things are still the same, attitudes linger and I get treated the way I always did and get taken for granted. That's life and what you deal with - I'm sure everyone deals with that sort of stuff day in and day out and that's fine, why should I be any different?
Well - I should be different because that's what I thought would happen and it hasn't (well it hasn't yet). I'm not particularly bitter about it, it just is what it is really, nothing has changed which in my opinion means that perhaps the only person who gets to learn from the whole experience was me. It seems a waste that no one else took away the messages and positives of the journey really. Just me then :-) As normal.
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