Saturday, November 30, 2013

A Hot Date :-)

Probably not but the phrase was coined sometime ago.  Flocky and I meet up with a couple of the girls from the centre and go out once or twice a year for a few drinks and some food.  

I am so looking forward to getting out again.  It's a good evening, great company and that's the important thing.  

Mrs. F. has gone out and the house is all mine this morning.  I've done some eBay stuff and I'm about to go post those and then just work out what I can do for the rest of the day leading up to this evening.  I will probably walk to the restaurant it is about 45 minutes walk but it is quite enjoyable - last time I did it - it was in the summer so I imagine in the cold and dark it may not be quite so enjoyable as I found it before.

I must remember not to drink anything like the amount or type (Sake) that I did last time I went out.... :-) 

Friday, November 29, 2013

La Vie En Rose

Another film to wipe you out when you are slightly running on the edge :-)  It's a difficult film to watch in many ways - I can't say there's anything uplifting about Edith Piaf's life - well not that I could see anyway.   It is certainly a painful film to watch but you can see why it won a few Oscars and a handful of BAFTAs too.  It certainly left me a little weepy because in the end it was a tale of so many maybes and tragedies in her life.  

Oh well, I am back up in my office and I don't think I will do much more tonight - I was going to get stuck into some figure work but later nights, spreadsheets, maths and trying to sleep are not good bedfellows with me anyway.

Perhaps I'll listen to some sounds - slightly quietly - charge up my MP3 player for tomorrow and turn in early (for me).

The house isn't a great place to be in and Mrs. F. and I have hardly said a word all night.  It's sad and it's a shame.  Tomorrow I am out in the evening with some friends for a few drinks and a meal and I am so looking forward to getting out and just enjoying a bit of laughter.  I certainly could do with that.  I've been lucky to have been out a number of times this week and so things haven't been too bad I suppose.

Well looking forward to the weekend and see if that cheers me up - sure it will.

Christmas and Birthdays - Decisions To Be Made

This is a real wrestle.  What to do about Mrs. F's birthday coming up and Christmas.  I've been advised not to buy anything but certainly to do cards if nothing else.  It feel dreadful to not buy her a present for either her birthday or for Christmas but I can see all sides of this and it feels wrong whatever I do about it.  If I buy her something she may not like it because it comes from / reminds her of me.  If I don't it stops something I've done for 38 or more years :-(  How difficult it is to know what to do.  

I actually feel a little queasy thinking about it.  How difficult all this is for us and on one hand if I buy her something it sends out wrong signals and if I don't it does too. 

Oh well - next year it probably won't be so bad I hope.  

I spend more of my days being happy and content these days.  I get these little niggling doubts of course I do, bound to I'm sure.  I just  have to go and replay my reasons why and then I am OK with my decision.  It's such a big thing of course and there are doubts on all sorts of things.  Of course, I like the idea that I can turn a new page and just move on.  I worry that Mrs. F. still struggles with the pain of it all and then I think to myself that I cannot do anything about this as much as I really want to help her and make things right and make her feel better - it isn't me who can do that.  I'd like her to understand it all and I'd like her to learn and meet someone and for her to be happy.  In fact that's something I really want for her - to be happy again especialy after I made her so sad.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Don't Make The Same Mistakes I Made :-)

Suddenly I know all about it!  Don't spend all of your time out doing Masonic stuff and spending time away from your wife I heard myself say tonight!  

Mmmm - hindsight such a great thing I suppose but I find that the one thing I'd change is being more attentive and spending far more time "working at it" than I ever did.  Now here is the thing  though - do you think anyone listened?  No I don't think they did and I don't suppose I did years ago either.

I think that I would spend a lot of time in future building the relationship rather than running away from it.

Here is a wonderful little bit of music - just invest 10 minutes and watch the rather sad video that goes with it.  I love it... :-)

That Was Fun

I substituted for a friend at his business networking breakfast and as these things go it was good enough fun.  It's interesting watching people and I managed to chat to some interesting people and just watch behaviour.  I did manage to isolate myself for a few moments to have some coffee and they wouldn't have that - which was rather nice of them.

It always amazes me that you get people come to these events that are only after business and don't make the effort.  I made the effort twice with two people that had business propositions that watching paint dry was a far more interesting venture but I stuck with it.  Who knows, I could help.  I did a little about my new business and so managed to briefly tell people what I was planning to do.  It was early - phew!  But it was nice to get out, take the car, drive opposite the hoards driving to London :-) just enjoy it and not worry about it although I did feel a tiny bit nervous before I got up to speak but then again - it's what I do well and so it all worked out fine.

It's a very interesting setup and I can see why my mate uses it - lots of leads and referrals.  For me, at the moment, it's too early to start that but if there is a local chapter then perhaps it is worth looking at.  For £12 a week roughly I imagine it can pay you back pretty quickly.

So I'm back home now just gone 9:30 and relaxed and ready for the rest of my day - I'm off to London this afternoon for a Lodge meeting - a Centenary and I know quite a few of the people there so it will be good.  Again, it will just be a nice day out and I've forced myself to do it.  I should do it more often too.  Once I get past the obstacles I put in my own way and go I really enjoy it - I hope that the obstacles will get less and less in the future in fact I'm sure they will.

Today is a good day - let there be many more please... :-) 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Different Day - Different Perspective

I don't know what it was about speaking to my Nephew last night but another layer of "worry" shall we call it peeled away.  I'd also had a long chat with my business partner and once again it really is good t chat things through and to find out that it "isn't just me" who feels a certain way etc.

I found on waking this morning that another weight had gone from me and I'm really pleased about that because it dragged me back a few weeks ago - I wrote about it not so long ago too.  It was about something in the past that I really wanted to recreate in my future and suddenly it was very important to me to do this.  It is pretty much an impossibility but there were chinks that this crazy plot could see the light of day.  Thank goodness this morning that's gone, it wasn't helping and it's gone and it's dead and that's fine by me now.  It should hurt but I did all the hurt sometime ago and it's in the past and all that's happened now is that with some regret up until yesterday I knew I had to let the thought(s) and that person go.  No regrets this morning, a new reality is here and I'm at one with myself about it, comfortable and resigned. 

It all sounds obscure and so it should be but I discussed this last night and realised overnight that it was just my mind trying to get back in control and my ego and also my pain body all trying to edge their way back in.  No sir, not again and that's the thing - if you retake control you can get past this.  

Not much else happening today, I need to now work out what to do about a business address as the chap I spoke to isn't interested.  That's OK I know what I think I need to do.  Just got to go and investigate it.

Nephew Is OK With It All

My Nephew whom I've known since he was born is very special to me.  He was born just a few months after Mrs. F and I were married and his father left I suppose when he was only a year or two old and they moved back near us and so we have grown up with him since then.  We took him to University, we looked after him after school and so many things we shared as if he was our own son.  He and I have been very close for all these years and so it was with some trepidation that I found myself apologising to him that Mrs. F. and I were splitting up.

Yes - it was a shock. No, he knew something was up - he knows me well enough to get the tone of my emails :-)

 It was a good evening although we couldn't find much to eat as the local football club had taken over the curry house!  So we ended up with a few bags of nuts and extra beers and I supplemented that with a fried egg sandwich on my return home!

He's almost a third child to us I suppose and so it was only appropriate that he knew but not his mum or his uncle!  Mrs. F. please sort this out!  

Anyway it was a good evening all around and apart from having to give out some bad news I found it very cathartic to speak to him - having two daughters doesn't always make a heart to heart conversation easy.  

It was nice of him ( but not unexpected) that he stepped up to the plate - bless him.... 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Nice Surprise

My old business partner dropped by unexpected and we went out for some coffee.  We discussed Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' book which I've actually bought for Mrs. F. as I feel it may well help her a lot coming to terms with things.  It certainly has made a profound affect on me and I feel so much better, so much more 'in control' and no longer sucuumb to the huge swings of depression I used to get - or at least so far that is.  I rarely get angry now or if I do it is fleeting and I bring myself straight back under control.  I am having quite a few episodes, as you would expect, about leaving my wife, starting a new venture, sadness and excitement and all sorts of emotions but and the BIG but is that I can recognise and bring these under control too.

We both had traumatic events happen in our lives and this year has been bad for both of us with tragedies and sadness, false hopes, unlucky in finding employment and all sorts of things but it was nice that neither of us are in a 'bad place' which is good.  The book helps without a doubt to move me forwards and him too.

Mrs. F. has just gone out and my nephew is about to arrive and we are going out for some drinks and for a curry or something like that.  I hope that the news won't be too much of a shock to him in fact I am sure I've told him in the past about it so maybe not.

So a day of taking it easy which I was pleased about and it's nice that I've just taken some time off to have a think about things.  I need a little space for a while to concentrate on the business and to get my thoughts together on that.  Interestingly enough knowing that things may just be taking a little longer until getting out of here will be good as I can take it that little bit easier and take my foot off the gas.

Slowing Down Now

I could make a further push on decluttering but feel a rest is as good as a change :-)  Or something like that! :-)

I've just slowed it a pace because I am spending lots of time on decluttering and not much time on myself at the moment.  It's OK because I pulled in sufficient funds to contribute to the household and I've got some of the new business stuff sorted but I think I need to now concentrate on the business rather than on decluttering and also just take a breath as I threw myself at this rather and whilst I've made some cash and made a hole in the pile of stuff I had - it's getting a bit OCD and it really should be fun.

Flocky tells me that things are slightly held up on getting contracts exchanged as they want to do another small survey.  It's all very well but that won't happen until the end of next week and that would be another week nearer Christmas and with the best will in the world trying to arrange to find, agree contracts, pay for and move in before Christmas is going to be difficult so perhaps just afterwards might be possible.

I therefore need to prepare myself for Christmas possibly being at home.  That's probably OK but I imagine it will be "atmospheric" but not in a great way.  :-)  At least I can work on how I'm going to approach that and what it means.  I can also use the hiatus to perhaps prepare to write back to family and friends letting them know what is going on.  

I feel that I should now also be starting to work on the new me.  By that I mean that things have already changed and I have quite a bit but once I'm out of here I will be able to lead and live my life differently and I can get back to my music, books and social life.   I have a nice circle of friends and I'm looking forward to getting to know them a bit more next year outside of the confines of my present situation.  It's like getting out of jail I guess.  I've got to adjust to the outside world and then slowly get back to "normality" whatever that may be.

Late Night AGAIN

I've got to stop this late late night stuff - I've been working all day and then went out for a meeting came back and started working again.  Crazy but there you go I keep doing this and making my head spin until the early hours.  I suppose I'm trying not to be around and not to clash with Mrs. F. too much but actually it's really blowing away my sleep patterns.

I'm going to stop now - finish this post and head off to bed and try and switch off - I should be able to do that using my meditation exercises.

Have a meeting with my Nephew tomorrow - need to lay the bad news on him and swear him to partial secrecy too.  Gee Christmas is going to be difficult and Flocky seems to think that we may not get into the new place until after Christmas the way things are going with his exchange of contract.  It will be difficult to see someone wanting to get a rental sorted so as to move in around the 22nd December!!!  Doh.  Oh well - in that case I'd better prepare the ground for an early move in 2014....  Oh the fun of it all :-)  Of course it will be what it will be no matter what.  It could be interesting one way or the other....

Monday, November 25, 2013

Busy Day - How I Like Them

I didn't earn a huge amount today but did a lot of packaging and posting labels - the Post Office was rammed full of people and interestingly enough there's another chap there who is selling records.  I actually pre bought the labels so that I only had to get a few done - it looked amazing with a huge bag full.  Was good being busy as the day has flown by.  

My next door neighbours have moved by the looks of it - the removal van was there earlier and the cars are gone.  Ho hum, a new era has begun.  The village is a lot quieter I imagine :-)

As for me well I really want this false dawn to be over and to get the hell out and on with my life.  I lay awake last night until gone three and that's not the first time this week.  I have been doing a lot of "business" thinking into the evening so I have a head full of facts and figures but Mrs. F. and I did have some more discussions yesterday and I think that slowly she is accepting that I will be moving out and that there isn't much to stop that happening.  I kind of worry about her but was told that it isn't helping for me to be like this.  I do feel rather helpless in this.  I so want her to accept it, to move on, to feel it's the right decision for her as well as for me.  

Here's another take on things for you to consider.  I was almost immobilised living here, I didn't actually need to do anything at all I could have ended up being a couch potato but I did not do that.  I could have just sat there being depressed and it was the gradual sinking down into this pit, this rut that finally made me make a decision.  I wouldn't wanted to have continued being like that and for Mrs. F. to be running around after a lazy, depressed old soak.  In many ways, that person died when I made my mind up to leave her.  I've tried really hard to be as independent as possible since then and try and do my bit in and around the house, finally fixing all the things that have been outstanding for years.

It should never have been that way in the first place but it ended up like that.  I kick myself because she did "nurse" me through being ill and was there for me but of late I've taken to taking myself into hospital for checks and for operations which also says something I think?  

Wanting to move on is also tempered by the fact that Christmas is a month today!!!  I've done nothing about it really.  It also Mrs. F's birthday soon and I've done nothing about that - some say don't buy anything - I feel sad about that.  Perhaps a card maybe at least?  I suppose a gift wouldn't mean anything at all to either of us.  I shall check with her and see what she wants to do I feel terrible about that.  It's not as if I've fallen out irretrievably with her or any other such thing.

Such are the quandaries of the ground I step on at the moment I suppose.   I feel a little bit vulnerable because my real desire to make this as painless as possible for Mrs. F. may be sending the wrong signals and I'd be doing all the right things for totally the wrong reasons.   

This time next year I guess things will be very different indeed and maybe we will be able to meet up and be friends because she really is a friend.

A Week To Go Out More

I don't know why I'm on this "guilt trip" at the moment - or well I probably do.  I've decided that I ought to go out a bit more and get used to it.  It is too easy to sit here and mope around and I got an invite out and thought hell why not let's just go and do it.  So I'm now out Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and Saturday night too so pretty good by my reckoning.  

I plan on enjoying myself and in many ways just enjoy getting out and about - I am actually doing some form of work at the moment and on top of decluttering and selling off most of my stuff I am also writing the new business web site and a load of other things to do with that too like research and pricing matrix and so on.  It will be hard work for sure but I'm pretty determined that once I get moved and settled that I want to launch the business and really make a go of it.  It should be really exciting and I'll have new business cards and be able to launch the business to friends and family as well as to shake down my processes and procedures.  Yes - I sound excited when I talk or write about it I can hear myself and the enthusiasm.

I am tending to stay in and not go out as I haven't got a job - funny isn't it yet I made enough cash from selling my stuff that I quite earnt more than Mrs. F. these past two months!  It is coming to an end but I have another few boxes of stuff to go sell and see how I get on with those then the charity shops can have a dig but I will offer some to people I know first so they can have first dibs.

It will be interesting trying to run a separate household on our same bank account - somehow I feel we may change that around at some point in time.  My savings earn more than Mrs. Fs so it actually I need to use the savings she holds for the interim and then we can work out what to do later.  As I said to her it is a little complicated but I'm sure we can sort it all out it's just a matter of running a balance sheet between us and we do quite well now and she knows exactly how much I spend as I tell her and we balance it all at the end of the month.  Mind you the savings will take a hit as I will probably have to pay 6 months (possibly 7) rent all out in one go and then there are moving costs and on top of that the cost of setting up the business.  I hope that in 3 months I will be bringing in sufficient to stop the money going out and then make it money coming in and start to rebuild the balance.  Mrs. F. owns half the business and as I said to her it's only fair and once we get to the divorce then she can take half of that as well - she doesn't like the idea nor that she is raiding my savings and pension but as I said to her, it is only fair that this happens.  She is worried about the size of house she can move to and whether she can take the dining room table and I keep saying to her does it matter?  This damn thing is wonderful, an antique can seat 14 people or 4 when collapsed - if it doesn't fit the new place or my new place then we can sell it.  Like my piano - if it comes to it I will find an owner for it.  

These are insignificant things to be worrying about I think.  I mean they are things we all worry about I suppose but in the overall scheme of things - what on earth will either of us do with a massive antique 14 seater dining room table?  It's lovely, it's functional but ....  Surely other things are worth worrying about?  I don't know, maybe it is me and I'm just not that interested in 'things' anymore.  I want my comforts, to be happy and that will do me.  I kind of fancy a small comfy home and I don't need a huge amount of space either and there's stuff lying around that's - well - a little bit old and of no 'value' and it's like keeping stuff from years ago - what's the purpose?  I have books that are 20 or 30 years old that aren't current but were my College books - they have no use at all in the modern world - they aren't going to get read or used by anyone most of all me.  They too will soon see a new use as a fuel source or they can head off to a recycling bin.  

So - where am I going with all of this?  Heaven knows!  Goodnight....

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Weekends Are Hard

Coffee with Flocky - bless him - sort of sixth sense and knows that weekends are difficult.  They are difficult because Mrs. F. and I are in the house together it certainly is difficult as we tend to fall over each other trying to be helpful and trying to be nice.  Mrs. F. looks sad and there's a 'miserable' atmosphere in the house.  I try my best to lighten the atmosphere but it isn't helping and making light and being in a good sense of humour obviously doesn't cut it if you are feeling as upset and depressed as Mrs. F. is.

I can see what he meant and bless him, Flocky's had a lot of this much longer than I have.  I wont miss this at all, not one bit, but to me it isn't unusual as it has often been heavily oppressive in this house.  I am looking forward to moving out so that I can actually do something with myself at the weekends and in the evenings.  Reading a book, listening to some music, going out, like this morning for a coffee or a lunchtime beer.  Going for a walk etc etc.  In some ways I feel obliged to show that 'I'm suffering too' at the moment but when I'm out of sight and out of mind I feel it will be OK to allow myself to rebuild my life away from any disapproving gaze.

I hope that getting away from here will also allow Mrs. F. to get some time to get over the shock and to start to rebuild too.  I think the way she was speaking the other day perhaps the reality of selling the house - as she doesn't want to stay here - is beginning to sink in.  As I said though, we don't need to rush into a decision we can get on and decide later.

An afternoon of sport, last F1 of the season and Rugby Union and League on and later Snooker so I can happily stay engrossed in TV for the rest of the day and keep out of the way. :-) 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

No - Actually I Don't Have The Problem

I find it quite interesting that I'm expected to be all cut up about what's happening to me.  I'm sad, of course I am because it is the end of an era but this is the 'new me' I'm finally feeling very good at last.  I've felt bad about myself for years and it's been (not all of course) down to the way I've been treated here.  For years and years it's been chipping away at me and that's one of the things I just wont miss - no way.

The problem has always been that gradually over a period of time it's been an erosion of confidence and a loss of doing anything together anymore.   It doesn't happen overnight it's happened over 15 years or more I think.  Many things we used to do together don't happen or even exist anymore.  Gradually we lost meeting up with our friends and going out and it's almost like joining a monastic order - in more ways than one! :-)

So to me, it's like being let out of prison, it's casting off all the negativity that's existed in my life.  It's not as if all this not going out and not doing things meant we spent more time together either, the opposite is the true level.  

So that's the bottom line, I'm going out on Parole now and I get set free sometime in the next few years.  I get to be free and many people don't quite get it.  I suppose if they have a good marriage for them you could imagine it would be a shock to them if it happened to them.

I have some minor worries - but they aren't going to upset me or give me any problems and I have to look forward to these challenges.  Fending for myself, making sure I manage the house for example, making sure my business makes enough cash to clothe and feed me.  I feel that I should take a good few months to think things through before taking any next steps.  

I do feel sorry about the situation but not for myself, for Mrs. F. who really is suffering and I don't like to see that.  If I was allowed to wish for something it would be that she quickly gets over this and can move on with her life.  I'd like her to learn something from this.  She knows what is wrong and whilst it hurt like hell to tell her she just needs to move on and perhaps can rebuild and find someone - that would be nice - I'd like her to be happy and not to dwell and be as upset as she is now.

And Yet - What Is It That You've "Lost"?

It's an interesting word is 'lost'.  What exactly do you lose when you've lost something?  I've lost a number of years of my life, I've lost my self esteem, I've lost a watch, I've lost money on this or that venture.  Strange how we've lost things and yet in reality it's what makes us what we are - everything leading up to now that is.  It's all part of the journey.

I don't recollect who it was but someone was saying that it's how you get to where you are going rather than where you are going that was important?  I look back at the moment - even though I know I should not - and I see opportunities missed but of course others taken.  I see things I've lost including the opportunity to have sorted my predicament out a long time ago.  I see other things lost, great friendships lost and then again others made and so does it all balance out in the end?

I love the saying "It will all be alright in the end.  If it's not alright, it's not the end"  how good is that? :-)

It's Saturday morning, Mrs. F. has gone out somewhere and I'm in here on my own.  I'm doing some work on eBay and I've got plenty to do this afternoon with the company web site which I am writing now.  However my mind keeps turning to what was lost and in many many ways it is negative to think like this because what possible good can it do it is in the past and remains so.

I've "lost" one of the greatest opportunities of my life I think but it wasn't my decision that it was lost so I can do nothing about it and still cannot no matter what my head may think.  I've lost my 32 year marriage and the opportunity to grow old with the person that I grew up with and all the great times we had together.  At the moment I guess both of us are only looking at the negative things and I still go back and wonder if we've actually lost anything or whether we've gained something?  Physical loss just means that - it's gone but everything you own is only transient anyway.  

There's regret and this feeling of missed opportunities and the road not taken but what on earth can you do about it unless you use those experiences to build on.  Perhaps the art is not to continue to make the same mistakes again?  I find that these things surface a lot at the moment and then I just have to bat them back into touch and ignore them.  It's all happened and regrets and concerns over something you can't actually change is just so counterproductive and destructive that you don't need to think like that.

I'm pretty glad that I managed to get prepared for all this - 6 months ago I'd probably have been a wreck about it :-)

It's Going To Be A Hard Christmas

I really think rather than waiting for so long before we took any decisive action I'd done something earlier as it is almost Christmas and the atmosphere is difficult.  Mrs. F. doesn't want any Christmas presents or birthday presents from me or anyone else for that matter.  I kind of thought that I'd buy her something for both Birthday and Christmas.  Just a little something as I said it would feel wrong of me not to.  I've known her for 40 years and she's probably, once she's got over this, my best friend or I'd like to hope that she will remain so. 

Maybe I'm being delusional and not facing up to the reality of it all I don't know.  I'd like to think that I'd still be civilised and still be nice and kind to her - she's the mother of my children after all said and done.  I'm in that neither here nor there place again.  In some ways I see that I need to get the hell out of here and to go lead my own life for my own sanity and also to allow me the freedom to now go and develop my business.  It's a difficult thing to explain but I do feel - and rightly so - not welcome here and it is no longer my home.  I don't feel upset as such about that - well not as upset as I felt I might be.  I feel more upset about other things that "could have been" and are lost to me.  I put a lot into holding everything together and there were hard knocks for doing so and in some way they play occasionally on my mind.   But "what ifs" are not real and I need to realise that.

It's like trying to replay meeting up with your College girlfriend or the woman you met at a convention or that you worked with and wondered "what if" - it's all a fantasy and whilst in your mind something "may have" happened - it didn't or if it did it didn't last and so what on earth is my mind doing wondering about these old flames and these what ifs and other nonsense from my past?  I tackle these like I tackle most things these days and work them through with logic and destroy these thoughts because they are my ego and my pain body trying to get attention and to wrestle back control that they no longer have over me.

It all sounds very far fetched but these thoughts play on your mind and give you false hope and dreams that can never possibly come true.  They need to be consigned back to where they belong.  After a lifetime though trying to live in the present, the now is so very hard but it is achievable.  

It's a bit like the "guilt" trip I go through each day when I have to remind myself why I'm leaving.  It would be so very easy to say - the devil you know, let's try it again, let's go through the motions and try one last time to make it work.  I wrote it all down, produced mind maps and charts and force charts and all sorts of things to make sense of it all and I just need to look at them to realise why I'm leaving; how many times I've tried before and to remind myself of the reasons that I just can't stay.  I find that it is a good thing to continue to question my actions (in some ways).  But I've done that for years, could I be wrong?  I could if it was a Hollywood Movie I suppose.  But it isn't.

Today is a bit of a landmark day as I've got all the company logos completed and all the artwork as well as the tag lines, strap lines and service lines done.  I've outlined the web site design and I'm about to embark on some of the detailed planning.  Not a lot of eBaying got done so I need to do some of that tomorrow and Sunday I suppose and clear down the last items.

Here's the Logo to the new business:

Linking Past, Present & Future
Photo Scanning | Video Transfers | Family History

I'm pretty excited about this - all I need to do now is move, set up shop and away I go.  It will give me something to concentrate on and to pull me out of my present and into my now.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Friday Blues

Seems to have been a bad week for news this week - it all seems a bit gloomy and the weather has been typically british with dampy, misty cold and miserable days.  I like autumn with the colour of the leaves and I don't mind it cold and frosty but the damp and drizzly murky grey days really can get oppressive.  But hey ho, I'm fit and well and breathing so that's a start this morning!

Despite knowing I can do little about my future, there's a little niggle going on about my future and actually I'm pretty excited about it.  What have I got to worry about I ask myself?  I'm one of the "lucky" ones - well I made my own luck in reality - who doesn't need to work today to put food in my mouth or heat my house.  I wonder if I had not worked my arse off for the past 35 years whether I'd be in this position?  It's funny isn't it, to all external appearances I'm a successful person, had great jobs, earned good money, ran my own business, have a lovely house, live in a nice village in the country and have my 2.4 children etc etc.  And yet here I am without a job (at the moment), separating from my wife and leaving my house and going to live a single life.  Success at what cost?  Of course it depends on how your measurement system works.

You see for me, now, it is very different to how it was before and I'd rather have a life now than a career.  I'd rather have that small house and perhaps someone who'd share it with me who was a complete kindred spirit.  That is an ideal situation of course.  I'd like to live by the coast and hey why not at some point in time?  Whatever I want to do is there for the taking and once free from major commitments then perhaps that's something I can consider?  Someone asked me whether I needed to work at all and whilst I've not looked into that I reckon it is possible that I could retire but I'd really like to give the new venture a go and see how that works in the future. 

It's all a bit of false dawn for me at the moment.  I know something is about to happen but haven't got the starting pistol fired yet.  Flocky is waiting for a date to be agreed on his place and then we will have a target date to find a place, arrange removals and all sorts of stuff.  Then and only then can we move.  It's no good me making any plans or anything else come to think of it.  I am pretty excited about getting out of here.  It's not nasty but it is oppressive and heavy and poor old Mrs. F. is close to tears most of the time and I feel pretty awful that I cannot help her or give her a cuddle as that's just mixed and wrong messages and will just make her hurt more.  

I know I'll be very sad when I move out and rightly so, I looked back last night and realised that I'd given just about my all to try and not be where I am now.  There's only so much rejection you can take and that's the thing - I have no idea if Mrs. F. thinks that's how you treat people, what can I say though?  Perhaps I'll sort out something for her for Christmas or her birthday in a few weeks that might help her realise.  It's difficult but we've had the conversation and she wasn't happy about it but I think she did understand why we are where we are.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Oh Dear More Bad News

My daughter's friend who has Testicular Cancer - had the operation they've now found cancer in his blood (I guess Leukemia) and so the poor lad now has to start Chemo for 6 weeks over Christmas. He and his parents must be wondering what the hell is going on.  Poor lad and of course my daughter and her friends are pretty upset too.

It is all pretty nasty I have to say.  I recall the horror at getting Bladder Cancer but imagine it at such a young age?

All around the world people make big things out of little things and get angry and upset with each other and yet here's something a little more important than all the wrongs in the world.  Roll on the day when they can stop this pernicious disease once and for all.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Not Great Updates On Some Friends / Colleagues

It is unfortunate when you find out that someone you know has Cancer and you didn't know until you heard he was having treatment etc.  Well one of these came to my attention just a few days ago so I spoke to one of our mutual friends and he told me it ain't looking good.  Another Asbestos related Lung Cancer and there isn't a great deal you can do with that stuff I'm afraid.  So it isn't looking good for him.

My friend who had his Esophagus removed has had complications and the day after successful surgery he had his Lung collapse and a serious infection set in which meant he had to go back to the Operating Theatre again and is in a  High Dependency Unit as I write and he has been there some time and is "Very Poorly" which is so sad.  

So there's some sobering stuff to get on with and that is one of those things then I heard that someone else wasn't coming along - there Father-In-Law had been peeing blood for sometime and not done anything about it!!!!!  So it may well be Bladder Cancer but who knows?  So good grief, let's hope they sort him out...

Me?  I'm in rude health really, still have this slight throat problem but it is intermittent and I'm almost certain that it is "stress" related - I tend to have my throat constrict and dry up especially when I'm talking to Mrs. F. as she gets upset and I get upset for her.  Some may think that it is strange that I feel bad for her but I really do and even now I feel upset thinking about how down she feels.  It is a sad old time alright and of course I can't do anything for her suffering so I feel helpless and no matter what has happened I'm a human being and somewhere responsible for part of the situation.

I feel fit and healthy but nothing that even more weight loss will help me sort out.  I think that I've gone into a slight stall again and I hover around 15 stone a few pounds either way.  It is always difficult to get an accurate measurement anyway so I'm not worried about the odd pounds on and off.  I really want to start to get down to the 14 Stone and below mark.  I noticed that my thighs and arms are now more muscle than fat and the side handles around my stomach and indeed my stomach are gone.  I have trousers that fit around the waist now so much so that I have to wear braces to keep them up as they fall off me :-)  Which is great and further incentive to get myself losing even more weight into the New Year.  

I'm still on the Low Carbohydrate High Fat lifestyle and so far in 10 months that's 3 1/2 stone off and I feel healthier and fitter.  I allow myself beer and the odd and I do mean odd thing like a Croissant or Biscuit etc on occasions.  It is just a matter of not eating all the stuff that will ram the weight back onto you.  Here's the link to the simplest site for information.  The video at 1 hour of investment is particularly interesting.    The other 4 videos just go to prove he is a good Doctor but not a natural interviewer :-) 

I've set my lifestyle to be LCHF now and I quite enjoy the food I eat but it is slightly counter intuitive sometimes.  You feel guilty that you can get tucked into a big fried breakfast of eggs, Bacon and Mushrooms every day but hey I'm still here and so far so good.  It will be interesting to see what my Blood Pressure is like and maybe I'll set myself up to do a series of readings for Blood Glucose and Blood Pressure again so that I can compare what they used to be with how they are now.

It's positively Polar today

Boy is it cold today.  My feet, my nose and my fingers feel cold and I've just gone and put the heating on.  And I've just sliced my finger open on the radiator in my office! Typical as I was checking where the bleed valve is (the irony) and there's a sharp bit of metal sticking there!  Ouch.

I shall have to give up in a minute and go downstairs and cook myself some tea to warm up.

We had a squall earlier on and really heavy hail which set my car alarm off and made everything white for a while!  I expect we will see some more yukky weather too for the rest of the week.  Oh well I am concentrating on my eBay clearance and so far I'm getting along OK but my feet are like blocks of ice after being here all day.

My graphic artist has just sent me through the image library for the web site so I also need to get my bum in gear and do something with that as soon as I can - I feel a plan coming on so I can work out what I've got to do and by when.  It's all go......

What Irks You?

Interesting we had a brief conversation about the way some people get upset about things.  This happened to be about whether someone should have been promoted or not and who, because he wasn't and was perhaps overlooked, started building almost a dossier of grievances and then through illogical actions upset the very people who were able to assist him to get the promotion.

Now, it isn't really fair to say but I will, it is almost a paranoia and a total disenchantment and everyone else who gets a promotion is younger, not been in as long as me, somebody's favourite and so on.  It's not just him there is anger and resentment in others too.  It seems no one is happy with their lot and everyone has got a moan about something.

Since the summer I've found it doesn't mean anything to me.  I was going to say that at one time I was hankering and hoping for promotion myself and today - nah.  What's the point?   What is it after all?  It's a stroke for your ego.  It's a meaningless symbol that says you are "higher" than someone else.  It's actually quite a strange thing when you think about it.  

This is Masonry and sometimes it's one of those things you have to remind people about.  Sure it's serious and it's got great values at its heart and that's why it has lasted so long.  It has some very interesting avenues of research etc etc.  It's a great thing but the problem some people also have is that it is a Club.  It is our hobby, it is something that you should enjoy and all the bitching in the background isn't quite what it is all about.  I understand it but it just seems to me to be wrong.  Missing the point in many ways.  In the overall scheme of things what importance do you place on your position in a hierarchy?  

But don't you see this everywhere and in every walk of life.  Someone upset because of something someone else has done?  I used to get upset about it but the only person upset about it was me!  Hold on, I didn't do anything, it's totally up to him what he does, why am I annoyed or upset about it?  Now of course it could be that it directly or indirectly affects me but do you know what?  These days I just let them get on with it and don't worry about it.  What's the point of me getting angry and upset at all?  Do I think the guy is doing something to me on purpose or just being an arse or making the wrong decision?  Well it no longer matters to me.  The only person who got upset or affected used to be me.  So I no longer worry about it.  I said before what will be will be.  Let that person carry on doing whatever it is and move on.  

I find these days that I hear people who are very angry or upset about things and last night there was some upset about something and it was a totally illogical ego driven process of making oneself angry with a situation that was totally out of your control to do anything about anyway?  Why did it make you angry in the first place and the sheer intensity of the anger must be boiling the persons blood and cranking up his blood pressure and making him feel bad.  He was doing all of this to himself and for what?  Something he had heard that he disagreed with.  Maybe he felt he knew better?  

So honestly what's the point of getting angry and upset and annoyed at stuff beyond your ability to control it?  Where's the logic, where's the sense?  All that damage you do to yourself and all the upset you cause yourself - it's plain silly when you think about it.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Interesting Thoughts

I popped up this gem onto FaceBook yesterday:

"We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell.

To which one of my friends responded with "So true, but how to do that will take another lifetime to learn."

That was interesting so I suggested a visit to Eckhart Tolle's 'A New Earth' book which I think gives you all the tools to do this.  I can see why some people will never quite understand what he says as it is so very difficult to achieve and it is so very difficult to practice it too although I do try my best.

I am having a lot of trouble with the past at the moment.  Not I hasten to add to do directly with my marital problems.  It's difficult to describe without digging a bloody great hole for myself.  It has to do with emotions and love and friendship and how an opportunity was lost a long time ago and cannot be regained or restored.  There, that's suitably vague enough I hope :-)  It has to do with an impossible position and the reality that you can't get that time back much as you may want to and you cannot recreate it either.  The mind is a peculiar beast as it knows this and logic tells me this too.  It's impractical, impossible and yet there are these fantasies floating around and I have to blow them away because they aren't helping.  Of course it's all about the uncertainty coming my way.  

It's exciting to be restarting my life and a little daunting too.  I've got to work out to fend for myself and get back to doing more of the housework and whilst I don't mind that one bit there's a slight fear about getting it right.  Stoooopid isn't it?  There's obviously some nagging worries there and not surprisingly but what my mind is doing is coming up with scenarios that cannot possibly be that not in my wildest dreams can come true.  It's as if there's a Fear Factor" bit saying "you'll never be happy again" it takes me back to when I was very happy indeed and almost taunts me with never finding that again and yet I know that not to be true.  Perhaps there's warnings about "getting hurt" in there too - whatever it is it is pretty hard to shake out and I spent last night and the last few days shaking it out of my system and removing this dream of the future that my mind is drawing as it isn't at all constructive.  It could be a defensive mechanism I suppose but it can do no good dragging up the past and trying to create a scenario that just cannot happen.  

What hurts is that it is dragging up my past and it is in my past, I know it can't hurt me, I know it happened and sad as I am that it didn't turn out differently - it didn't and that's it.  Again though I am back in some measure of control and appear to have gotten past this episode and I just need to move on once again.  That's very much the way it is at the moment.  I understand that the uncertainty is destabilising and so it appears to be dealing with multiple things is indeed leading to these silly internal disturbances.  No wonder those Jedi Masters had such a difficult time.

I wonder what it is with people

Someone trashed my old boss online yesterday and I respectfully pointed them to a documentary about the man who was a true 20th century hero - just a lot of people don't know it.   The response, after this was that the person wasn't in the least bit interested even though what he said was patently untrue and a defamation of character.  I let it go as the idiot wore his ignorance in public with pride for all to see.  What a shame that people behave like this online but they are all big and brave online.  I like to meet these people in real life and face them down as they are very little people indeed.  The amazing thing was this guy was using the very tool invented by my boss to allow him to say what he wanted.  I suppose we give people the freedom to say stuff just as we reserve the right not to have to listen to them :-)

The amazing thing is that another bunch of trolls jumped in so I left them to it.  It really isn't worth the hassle of trying to argue with people who are rude and just out there to throw a punch and hide behind their internet disguise.  A sad reflection on life that someone thought that taking the piss out of my (now dead) boss was funny and intended as a joke.  What a w*****r.  Mind you someone else has to live with and put up with him.

So there you go that sort of peeved me but then again - why get involved with these sorts of people they only get you rattled and they need to be ignored so that they poison themselves with their caustic minds.  

I need all my awareness and will power at the moment to just concentrate on the now and work out what I need to do today not tomorrow and the past is really beginning to get to work again and I need my mind clear of that sort of stuff.  Sometimes it is very difficult to let go of the past.  I am guessing that there is a grieving process going on here that longs for that old idealised life and how you thought your life was when in fact it wasn't like that at all.  I lay in bed last night and had a number of flashbacks and thoughts about whether I was doing the right thing.  As Flocky had said yesterday could I go overlook the things that finally got me to want to leave.  After all I have a nice house, comfort, a cushy life in many respects, I can run my business from home if I want to and etc, etc, etc.  Yes I could but actually, when I lay there thinking about all the compromises and what it could be like (for me) it all became clear once again that I don't want to be treated like that again and all of my empathy for Mrs. F. fell away and I realised that no it wasn't something that would be repairable or that could be recovered for it had happened many times before and it would just drift back into the world that I want to leave.

So this morning, I've managed to pull back up out of a sort of semi dark place I've been in for the past few days and get back to my even keel position.  In some ways I'm even more convinced now that I'm doing the right thing.   

Monday, November 18, 2013

Don't Let The Buggers Wear You Down

I won't but it is getting hard work at the moment as the atmosphere is oppressive and it's hard to get a word out of people sometimes.  It's like being sent to Coventry but I'm not absolutely certain it is meant the way I take it.

I'm going to really get cracking for the next 4 days and see how far I can get with all this "stuff" i still have remaining - I'd like to shift it all as soon as possible and then forget it as there are other things I need to sort out.  I think I've sorted out the IT requirements of the household now which is good and I can now take all of the equipment I already have with me - it will looks like an small office set up which is great - exactly what I need and it means I may get away without having to buy a new PC just some RAM memory to get me going although I doubt it will last for long it will do to start with.  I'll also have my existing scanner and laser printers to come along too and so that's great as it saves a bit of cash and also means that I can at least have something useful to get cracking with.

I need to sort out my Christmas pretty swiftish - I haven't done anything yet and need to get cards, Newsletters and things sorted out.  I need to work out how to tell people what is going on in the wider family.  We will just have to take the Christmas Cards and who they are addressed to on the chin for this year.  I'm sure it will be difficult as to who things are addressed to and who buys what etc.

Both Mrs. F. and I have said we don't want anything this Christmas - I'm not in the mood for presents but I guess I ought to make some sort of compromise here - I don't want to - although I already have in some ways - screwed up Christmas for most people.  There you go though.  

Anyway - need to get my arse in gear tomorrow and get a spurt on to cover all the things that could be going on in the next 4 or 5 weeks!  Eeeeeeekkkkk :-)

Feeling Sick - In The Pit

It has been a funny old day today.  I feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach because it's just having to deal with mixed emotions.  Flocky came up with some good questions this morning - testers to see if it's really what I want - to separate from Mrs. F.  The thing is that actually, it is and the questions helped and I reckon that the weekend wasn't great for a number of things - it was destabilising and of course it is bound to be.  It's getting near Christmas and I'm the bogey man screwing it up this year for everyone.  Mrs. F. looks sadder and more upset than I've seen her for a while and there's an air of depression hanging over the place.  It's a shame but there you go that's just the way it is.

I'm in two minds what to do about things and I'm thinking now that I need to do a burst of work to get the eBay thing as finished as I can and then call it a day - I really need to get on with arranging Christmas and lord alone knows what else.  I have to Sort out the business too now I've chosen the logo (or almost chosen it).

Sometime I have to laugh at the predicament I am in.  I suppose I've accepted that it's going to happen and I'm trying like mad to be "the good guy" and to make it hurt as little as possible and yet I'm probably making things worse by being the good caring guys.  I suppose if I was an nasty piece of work or was aggressive or something it might be easier?  Mind you I can't be like that - it isn't in my nature.

There are so many hard decisions to make and take, so much that I take for granted and so many things that need to be sorted out but I can't do them yet until I know what is going to happen - I don't even know if I am going to be in this house come Christmas - such is the uncertainty at the moment :-) it makes it difficult planning anything.  I'm sure that this knot in my stomach is a little of everything.  It's the loss of one way of life and the certain realisation that things are going to change forever and it also seems to me to be a burning of bridges as well in that there will be some people I just wont see again (or not much) after I've moved.  That's a little sad I guess but there was always going  to be collateral damage done.

I'm again desperately worried that people tomorrow (for I am out at a big gig) may mention what is happening to my father-in-law who is due to be there.  He still hasn't been told what is going on.  It's a real muddle and not of my making.  Again - it's a cause for concern and one that I need to make sure those around me don't say anything about.

No doubt things will feel better in the morning but for now I'll just have to run with this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach.  

That's Better

Clear head this morning, a few meditation exercises and get back to the truth of the matter and my head is in a far better place today.  I imagine that there will be more days like Saturday and Sunday but not too many I hope.  

I also did some serious soul searching and just reminded myself why I'm leaving despite the twangs of guilt I'm bound to feel and no one likes to see someone they've known all of their lives miserable and suffering like Mrs. F. is at the moment it isn't a foregone conclusion that if I try and help her out it is going to do either of us any good.  Yes - it is a miserable time but it will get better and much as I'd like to help Mrs. F. get over this I imagine that I'm not actually the right person deeply moved though I am to want to help - I can't and I shouldn't even try.

It feels spiteful and against all my instincts but in some ways this has been brought on herself and whilst I AM going to take half the blame the other half isn't mine - it isn't all my fault and I don't need to be beating myself up about it the way I do every now.  It's the right decision.

I am back on an even keel this morning than goodness :-) 

Cleared Most Of It Now

I have to keep working hard at keeping in the now and not reverting back to the past and all the things I can (and do) so easily beat myself up about. I also have to stop the worries about the future.  It's been a real struggle today to do that a real struggle.  

I've managed it but it's almost 12:30 in the morning now and it's taken most of the day.  I am glad that I avoided the opened bottle of wine in the Kitchen or reaching for anything else for that matter.  Rarely have I found the answer at the bottom of a glass just more questions and more sorrow.  

I really did have to put in an effort to get myself back to an even keel - a bit of music and some petrolhead Formula One seemed to help along the way.  I think today was just one of those days.  It is difficult with Mrs. F. moping around the house and getting "the quiet treatment".  I don't know if it is designed like that but to me it sometimes appears like that.  I will be glad to be out of here so I no longer get that.  If the niceties can't be observed then I really do find that difficult to deal with - that's another trait/fault with INTJs and their particular interest in personal space and courtesies.  

Mind you I'm pretty much used to that sort of silent treatment and off-handedness anyway as that is one of the problems I've had for many years.  If you choose to ignore me or slap down any ideas or opinions I have then sooner or later I'm going to get a little ticked off about it.  I suppose it may have seemed unfair that I pointed out that this sort of behaviour was part of the reason we were in this predicament anyway.  The Irony was possibly lost in the total lack of response :-)

Oh well - I have a lot to keep me occupied in the next few days and I shall just get tucked into that.  I am not thinking about moving or anything until it comes to it - it will be what it will be.  I can see that it will be quite traumatic for Mrs. F. though and at the moment we exist in a state of orbiting around each other even more so than we used to and we are rarely in the same room together.  I can see that - I don't like it - I hope that it will get more civilised and who knows, in time I might actually have a nice friendly relationship when it all settles down.  I'd like to think that she would be my best friend but time will tell on that I guess.  I suppose that it may be difficult to do that given the way she feels at the moment.  

Sunday, November 17, 2013

What a Horrible Dreadful Day

I knew there would be days like this.  Poor Mrs. F. can only talk to me for a few minutes at a time before getting all choked up and me with my stupid thoughts was also very upset.  I hate seeing her so desperately upset but today we talked about me moving out, selling the house, stuff I can take with me and Christmas and then there were all these stupid commercials on TV with their happy bloody families all smiling and I just felt worse and worse.

To say it's been a bit of a tearful day is an understatement I really haven't felt this upset for a long time.  It's a mixed emotions time for me as suddenly there were regrets for things not done in the past and things I'd done wrong, opportunities not taken a love unfulfilled and many other things all bashing around in my head.  I was able to stop them but back they came one after the other and I wasn't truly able to empty my mind of them even though I know these things to be in the past and unalterable. 

I can't help thinking about how upset Mrs. F. is - she just sounds so helpless and lost and I feel so bad about that - it's silly really.  She still cannot bring herself to the realisation and I understand that.  I understand it very well indeed and I recollect myself how awful it felt when I realised the awful truth and how depressed it made me and how I still get that now myself.  

To expect to be able to shut out the past or indeed not to speculate about the future is difficult indeed.  Yet that's what I've got to do now because I don't want too many more days like today.  It really isn't nice.  It was necessary to have the discussions and the trouble was - when discussing Christmas Presents and arrangements and the future I was trying to explain that it was going to be particularly tough this year.  I don't know if my mum will buy Mrs. F. a present and all that sort of stuff.  I'd almost rather forget the whole thing anyway but it is going to be bloody difficult especially as Mrs. F. and most of her family don't know - it's a crazy situation made difficult because it isn't out in the open properly.  It means I have to be careful what I say and to whom I say it.  

I kind of hope that I have news this week about finding a place to go as I really could do with being out of here and then able to get myself straight.  It's a sort of strange place I inhabit at the moment a sort of no-man's land and of course Mrs. F. has the same too.   I want her to have some time to settle into being separated and so that we both get used to it and also so that she doesn't make any rash decisions.  It's pretty important that we think through stuff like the house and pensions and the girls and so on so that we don't do anything rash or ill advised. 

From my point of view I just need to be out of here and go set up and run the business and get on with my life.   I don't need the "atmosphere" there is here now, it's even worse than I imagined it would be - it's oppressive and caustic and we just have a struggle talking to each other without getting upset.  I suppose it wont last for ever.  

Anyway, I knew there would be days like this and I  hadn't realised how much it would haul me back to love's lost and that's the thing that hurts like hell.  There's that nagging fear that you will never find it again - love, companionship and all that.  It sounds silly but I need repair time and to take it easy and not to worry about it.  I find the whole thing exciting in the main but on a dreary grey miserable misty day like today it just felt awful.

At least there's some heavy rock music followed by the USA Grand Prix coming up so that will keep me happy for this evening.  Tomorrow I can return to my eBaying which appears to have gone quite well so far today - enough to pay for a few beers at least :-)  I think I will do a bit of a final push on it this week and then just get rid of the rest of it to the Charity Shop.

What Goes On In Your Head

I sometimes dislike my brain a lot.  A case in point being last night after I'd had a few drinks and a few too many if the truth be told I went online - despite a big not on my computer telling me to go to bed and sent a few messages.  They were pathetic and stupid and I had to apologise this morning for sending them.  They weren't abusive or anything like that at all.  They were heartfelt and I've often written stuff in this blog that are an outpouring.  The voice that rarely gets heard, the inner thoughts the real inner workings of my mind.

I know better than this - I know that these thoughts aren't there to help me at all they are little destructive forces and in this case it looked innocent and stupid but it was actually a subtle way of hurting the other party.  It doesn't read like that at all but it was me imposing my thoughts on someone else and they didn't need to know this and it put them in a situation where they thought they had injured me although I didn't say they had.  Anyway - it is cleared up but how these little demons exist and how destructive they are.  It's so annoying - I think in future I will trun the computer off entirely and just leave a note on it saying turned off for a reason :-)

So I had a very very slow day today - the Sake that Flocky and I had sure laid me out and I got up but decided to go back to bed and lay down for a good few hours :-)  I don't think I can handle the booze these days like I used to.  I even thought that I might start to change my drinking habits in the future if I do stupid things like I did last night.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts so the saying goes and I think that is pretty much true.  What I said was a bit of a plea from the heart about how I wanted things to turn out and how they didn't and in fact they cannot be anything other than the way they are.  I knew that, I know the score, I know it cannot be and whilst that's sad and upsetting it's the way it is and the way it has been for ages and ages.  You cannot change the way things are it's part of the problem  I've always had with my head and it doesn't work things out properly it imagines that things can be different when they clearly cannot be.  

I am working on stopping all of this nonsense and in many ways I do manage to do that these days as I can identify these thoughts and stop them in their tracks.  I'm about to build a new life and yet these doubts assail me, these past experiences which I wished had turned out better haunt me and I do get rid of them - I can remove these - like I will after I've written this post - it will take me just moments to clear my mind of them and they won't come back for a while.  When they do I will kill them off again as they have no useful part to play in my day to day life.  They are part of the "painbody" part of the Ego and they aren't real thoughts at all.  They dig up the past and they produce an illusion of the future which I know can never be.  

The complexities of what is going on and why it is going on are I think pretty much boiled down in the realisation of what is about to happen in my life.  The change away from living here and the change to my lifestyle and to my personal life and this "living alone" thing is or may be playing on my mind.  I've not even moved out yet and there's the little voice about meeting someone else and all that old guff - it's not relevant it's a fear that should not be there.  That's the problem I find - none of these things should be troubling me.  

This all sounds bad but it is under control because I just dismiss these thoughts. OK I didn't manage to suppress one of them and so wrote a load of old rubbish to a very dear friend and they did, like all good friends do, smile and know that I'm not really like that, that it was the beer/Sake talking and that was that, I'm forgiven but I do feel a stupid old fool about it :-)  I shall just have to control my head a lot more and also not drink Sake in large quantities.  

Friday, November 15, 2013

Lovely Day - Sun Shining - Quiet Coffee - All's Good With The World Today

Yep - all is good today.  The sun is shining and whilst it isn't warm it was nice enough to sit outside the cafe and have a nice cup of coffee whilst looking at my logo choices in the sunlight and getting a good feel for them outside of the office environment.

Later on I'm meeting Flocky, my old business partner and another old friend we are going for a few beers and a Chinese meal - it is a nice restaurant frequented by Gary Rhodes so that says something.  Looking forward to that and to have a cathartic chat  with my friends.  

Communication here is difficult to say the least.  We do talk just in short sentences.  Poor Mrs. F. still looks absolutely distraught and is so upset that sometimes she just can only say a few words and has to go out.  Oh dear, how sorry I feel for her.  She's still my best friend just that the  glue no longer works and for some time we will just have to live like this until she gets over it.  At the moment me being in the house cannot be a great thing for her at all.  

So far as I can see it no one is taking sides or anything like that - it's not that sort of break up but I can see that it is difficult for Carole's friends to be anything other than supportive and so I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it and hope that they will be alright about it when I next see them which won't be until Christmas Eve.  In fact I've just wrapped the Secret Santa present for one of them - we each have to buy for one person based on a sort of raffle.  At least that is better than in past years when it was beginning to get totally out of hand.  

My mind strayed again last night as you may have seen in my previous posts.  I was off and away reflecting on the past but after I wrote that I was thinking about the future and of course, I just had to rein myself back from that because I don't want to paint a picture for myself that's impossible to attain.  It is difficult not to look forward to what I perceive to be happier times coming down the track and yet you know, I'm happy right now.  In fact I'm probably happier than I've been for years and years.  I'm fitter, healthier and my mind is in a great place despite what has happened.

A lot of people think I should be in a bad way, stressed out or upset but it takes them aback when they see I'm quite OK about this.  They don't "get it" - it's like being released from prison or being given a second chance.  Suddenly all the pressure goes off you just like a huge (and I mean huge) weight is lifted off your body and it's like having a clean bit of paper or the slate wiped clean.  You can see that you can now go and do what you want, when you want, how you want and so on.  In many ways this is a great opportunity to put into practice all you've learnt in your previous 56 years I tell myself.  I've hopefully got another 20 to 25 years in me and I've already had two of those sorts of periods so lets see what I can make of the next third of my life.  Whatever lies ahead it was better than the life I was leading up until about June this year.

I can understand fully why people would fall apart when leaving their husband or wife but when I listed out why (I didn't really want to tell Mrs. F.) she agreed with it all and knew what I was talking about and that's the problem for her - she can't change - I did all the changing until I was unable to do anymore without injury to my mind and my body.  You can't exist in a 'loveless' marriage - I think I'd call it that now.  You only need to see what it is like for someone to care a little about you and suddenly you wonder "what on earth has gone on here?" If you read this blog a lot you'll recollect that I spoke often about collateral damage and "the rut you are in" that being the most difficult rut to get out of.  Well I'm almost out of that rut and away in the distance there is just open countryside and no ruts and no rails, no roads, no signposts just a rising sun, a blue sky with a few fluffy clouds and a bright future.  

That's Alarming

One of my daughter's friends gone into Hospital tonight with Testicular Cancer - he is 23 years old!  Twenty Three for goodness sake.  At least he has been whipped straight in and they can sort it out for him immediately.  

I remember at her age coming to terms with my friend's death - he just dropped dead whilst playing Squash.  He had a congenital heart defect and that was that.  His wife and two children were left in a mess as he didn't have a Will and so on.  The two girls, now long grown up look just like him and things worked out fine for her too, I still see them all occasionally.  It's a tough one coming to terms with your mortality at such a young age.  Not that he is going to die just that it comes as a shock and this ought to be a big wake up call to them I suppose.

I can't believe the amount of cr@p on TV these days.  I watched a tiny bit of the news and the BBC drives me to distraction with their efforts to, what does Flocky call it? Catastrophizing.  It is just bonkers everything has to be the 'something of the century' 'something gate' and as we are 13 years into it (or 12 if you like) it is shoddy reporting and left wing nonsense.  So I grab the headlines and try and hit the weather forecast and then I trawled through the 100 or so channels and it was full of squawking people talking about something or other and crazy shows about guns, police chases, reality shows and just utter bollocks (sorry but that's what it is).

So the TV went off after 20 minutes and I came back up to my office and got into the zone on the business and I'm cracking on with the logo and also the service offerings which I am quite happy about now.  A few more tweaks and I can then go and write the "copy" for the web site and the catalogue.  

I drifted back into remembering the lovely summer we had as it absolutely freezing here tonight and bitter weather is on the way.  Recalling the warmth, the smells and sounds of the countryside and the peace I was in (and the turmoil at some times).  During all that embargoed time I was struggling to keep it all under my hat and there was more than I dare put into print going on too.  Such was the summer I had but it was just so nice to recollect that warm and peaceful time.  Then there was the turmoil of leading up to wanting the separation, that was just awful and so upsetting for both of us.  Yuk.  

Those warm summer days were marvellous and my whole life was changing it was as if I had gone into a chrysalis state and then burst out of that.  I had been working on it for ages and the it all fell into place and it all made (some kind of) sense.  I can't even begin to tell you what a huge relief it was to get out of my old life.  What it is though isn't one thing it is a series of things that made the difference.  There's my Spiritual Guide who appeared and left, there's the realisation that no matter what I was doing I needed to completely change.  There was the need to stop being me (the planner and schemer) and stop analysing and overanalysing everything.  There was the need to get rid of the past and to stop dreaming about an unachievable future and if all that wasn't enough there was the need to finally tackle the problems in my marriage which had just built up and up over the years and I hadn't tackled them.  These "problems" just built a weight on my body that you can hardly imagine - once I tackled them and to this day I feel light and the burden has gone almost entirely.  

The wreckage is also mostly behind me too.  The "damage" is done if that's the right way to look at this?  I don't see it that way I see it as a re-birth, a new clean piece of paper, a chance to live the last 3rd of my life according to my rules and to enjoy the life that waits in store for me no matter how long that may be.  It is exciting and challenging and is unplanned and unmapped so far.  It may appear selfish to chuck in a marriage of 32 years and go and do what I want to do.  I suppose it could be looked at that way?  I tend to think that 25 years was just about enough and I should have gone then.  So far, no one I've spoken to is the least bit surprised and some wondered why it took this long!  My mother was pretty much open about it and didn't think there was much left and had known it for years.  My friends last night was also a similar story.  They know me - they probably got the message one way or the other through my body language I guess.

Anyhow - time for bed - got a nice day coming up tomorrow - some beers followed by a Chinese meal.  Will be in good company with Flocky Bicep and a couple of others.  Looking forward to getting out and about.  The atmosphere in the house is one of quiet tension.  I still feel sorry for Mrs. F. but she has levelled off in a permanent black gloom - it will be nice to move out and not to have that problem as a constant.  I try my best but of course I'm the happy one.