Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.  

The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!

Great To Get Out - Diary Mishap And The Journey From Hell

 We went and walked some miniature Donkeys yesterday, the journey there was good and we had a lovely time walking the Donkeys and feeding Chickens, Llamas and wandering around an Orchard full of tame animals. Walking the Donkeys was the calm I needed but travelling home was a nightmare as the SatNav took us on some back routes and incorrectly launched me on the detour from hell!  We half recovered only to find it sent me off somewhere I didn't want to be and then took another crazy turn in and around trying to access a Motorway!  Crazy stuff.

I had realised that I wasn't about to meet an appointment I had so sent a message only to say that I'd got the date wrong and that it was next week!  

To cheer me up I made a sale on eBay which is great and I've just prepared that to go tomorrow!  Royal Fail (Mail) missed us the day before even though we were in the house.  They then asked where they could leave the parcel if we weren't in.  Crazily after I'd filled in the where to leave my parcel with full details of where our Parcel Box is located - you can't miss it if you turn around from the door it's right there!!.  No, they left it with a neighbour which meant I had to go and collect from her, she's a nice lady but I apologised and explained that they'd completely missed the parcel box I'd specifically placed by the front door with "PARCEL BOX" actually written on it!  Doh!

So I was feeling a bit better than I have been.  The parcel of loads of my old bits goes off later today and who knows, maybe it will be worth something, maybe not.  Sleep wan't too bad - I woke when the garden light came on and when the milkman arrived around 3 am and slept through until OH got up around 6:15.  I need to get my Paul McKenna stuff together as I am using some of his relaxing strategies to sleep and it is beginning to work quite well.  

Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.

De-Cluttering, Sleep & Sheep

I have decided to get rid of some of my stuff.  It's sat for a minimum of 7 years in boxes, maybe even up to 15 years thinking about it, I am not using them and so what's the point?  I don't know if that is adding or taking away from my "strange" state of mind.  It's clutter and despite a few items being family pieces the other stuff is just not worth leaving lying around gathering dust.

I was woken by the Sheep making a row as mother and baby searched for each other (I guess).  It is an hour, roughly, before I normally get up so that's not too bad and I managed to wake just once and drift back to sleep reasonably quickly so I am pleased with that.  The Sheep are late to the field this year, it's mid June and we normally get them in May or before.

The ongoing brain struggle I know myself is "all in my head" and I need to get back to working on that if I can.  It's tackling that series of thoughts and they are dreads and not rational so my poor old INTJ brain doesn't work well with emotional stuff.  Sometimes the logical approach just doesn't work especially when the thoughts and fears aren't logical.  

And... Back To Square One!

My OH woke at around 4:40 and I ended up going into silly head space territory and melt down and so got up and paced around downstairs!  This period of head problems is not great.  Tearful, short term distressed, worryingly pessimistic and helpless.  It doesn't help that I got a video call from a cousin last night who has just come out of Hospital and there I was facing someone who's been quite ill and looking a bit grey and drawn albeit in good spirits.  

I think that I am facing (or not really) growing old with no enthusiasm at all.  I want to escape but to what I don't really know.  After an hour things have subsided and I feel calm again but it isn't helping at all that I am like this.  Awake at 5 am is OK but I need something to do, something to achieve or, on the other hand, do I?

I plan to do some clearing out today and over the weekend but honestly that may not be enough.  I can clean out all the stuff I don't use and is just lying around but I need to work more on this lack of purpose I currently feel.  

Wrapping the business up must be playing on my mind.  I of course, in reality, shut it down earlier this year and its just a matter of going through the motions now but it must have an effect on things, in the back of my mind.  But it will be good to get rid of it once and for all and it will be good to detach from it too.  

I'm not in the very dark place I was around this time last year.  I should be clear of that but obviously I am not entirely.  

For now I need to struggle on and work through this.  Shades of my father who had a rough time of it and now I must "get a grip" they all say that don't they?  I recognise the problem and I do need to deal with it somehow.  Not sure how yet.I am loathe to do something in a hurry but I need to work on this as soon as I can - it really isn't great.

Improvements - Not Sure How But I Will Take It

 Up just 30 minutes earlier than normal, woke twice but straight back to seep so that's good.  I think the milkman disturbed us around 5.  Partner's car was patched up last night by her son's friend, a mechanic and so crisis averted for now.  It's good when someone who knows what they are doing can get involved.

Last payment to the Company accountant yesterday so that was good and means just a couple more steps to go to wash my hands of all of that too.  It will be a weight off of my mind to have it gone.  I can then send off the notification to the shareholders and that will be that.  I suppose he can complain but if he does, he will not get anywhere as he'd need to come up against people (or rather Institutions) other than me and they'll not entertain his nonsense.  It's up to him, all due process has been followed now.

I have a couple of things to complete and that's that.  I'm working on getting rid of the first lot of things that I have not used in the past 7 or 8 years and that's keeping me busy.  I just need to check whether they can be sent out and then I can pack a trial lot and see how it goes.  If I am not using these things, then someone else can I'd suggest.  If they wish to pay some money for them it save me advertising them and it saves all the other hassle of selling on eBay and Facebook Marketplace etc.

So a good night's sleep, very few "thoughts" whilst that happened and long may that continue to improve! 

Another "Interesting" Night

 Well, the annoying thing was that my partner had her car driven into by a hit and run leaving the back bumper array all smashed up.  A bit like both my Jaq and my Volvo which still bears the scuff marks.  Bigger cars, same tight parking spaces.  That they just collided, don't tell me they didn't know, and then just drove away is typical of today's society.  The car is out of action and so all the things she was due to do this week are now cancelled.

So, once we'd got that sorted out as far as we could I managed to get to sleep fine.  Getting to sleep is OK.  Getting up yes fine and back to sleep but at 5 am it was and as it was quite light I decided not to get up but to try and go back to sleep which I suppose I must have done but it is difficult to know.  I was trying to get thoughts out of my head and just circular breathe to do so.  I cannot have been doing that for 2 and a half hours so must have grabbed some in between sleep. so partly successful I'd say but I am still not doing my usual eight hours through which may be because it is light but I still think it is to do with being unsettled.

This whole retirement, getting old thing is a problem but I am working my way through it as best I can.  Hopefully I will get through it.

Six O'Clock And All's Well?

 Up early once again but slept through just getting up once.  So it's getting a little longer sleep wise but still I'm awake and ready for the day.

Not so much awakening anxiety today though so that's better but then I have started to "do things" like clutter cleaning and doing a bit at a time so that I gradually tackle what's before me.  I grabbed the Nettle and ordered a de-cluttering pack which will allow me to get rid of my stuff.  I feel I have to hold on to things but in reality it is just clutter and can go.  It does me no favours, cannot be used, can't even be looked at etc.  

There's a "What's the point?" to it all too.  I've ordered some tidy workshop boxes too that I can arrange all my workshop stuff into.  That will help me tidy the garage where things have gotten a little out of control.  There's stuff in the garage that I no longer use too and I can just sell those of I'd suggest.  There's a need to tackle things that no longer matter to me.  I've had my use out of them and in fact there's a charity that collects stuff from your doorstep too I've used a couple of times so I will probably do that.

Today - will tackle the car blown fuse and start to make progress on my family history papers that once again, are no longer needed in the format I have them and I can probably spend some time digitizing them and saving to my servers and online backed up.  

It's getting my head around progress and realising that I cannot do it all at once. 

No - Back Up At 5:45

 Ugh, didn't get back to sleep and so got up and came downstairs.  Fighting the bad head stuff yet again.  I know what it is and I realise it isn't in my control and so to that end I have to let it go but of course that's difficult to do.

The way forward though is not easy to sort out either really.  I suppose I just need to get on with my plans for this year and work through them and sometimes it seems easy and at other overwhelming.

The business comes to an end very soon and that really will get that pressure off of me for even though it is dead it isn't gone yet.  A few weeks and that will be it. He can object I suppose but I'm not sure what he can object about in reality.  The business will release all "his" IP and that will be that.  Maybe it is that at the back of my mind but I just don't know.

I am pretty certain that retirement and getting old are having an effect on me too.  I just cannot adjust to it but I know this and so will work through it somehow.  It's the unease I feel at the moment.  

Slept Through - Improvements

 These glitches come and go.  My knee is still painful but only every now and then.  The last two nights I've taken to putting my knee on a pillow which has helped things and last night I managed to only wake three or four times and go back to sleep in a fashion so that the alarm woke me and I hadn't spent up to an hour or two downstairs.

So that's progress, sort of.  Hopefully that will continue.   I completed one set of accounts and in fact two come to think of it.  I need to work on getting them reviewed.  I now need to work on closing the business - that should happen in the next two weeks.  

Then we are sort of clear to get on with retirement. That's not going quite a smoothly as I'd hoped but I am working on it.    

Habit Forming - Up At Six Yet Again

 OH was late and so getting to bed was easy over one and half hours later than normal.  It did not stop me waking with knee pain yet again and getting up at just gone six!  I might try putting my knee / leg on a pillow to see if it helps.  This is an occasional problem caused by a sporting injury a long time ago - 30 years maybe - playing Cricket and my feet stuck on the pitch whilst my body continued going which was painful but I don't get this a lot so have lived with it all these years.  I have a few knee braces that I use which seem to help relieve the problem.

Last week it was around 30 C and hot and humid - we now have quite a cold wet day - I am actually wearing a hoodie over my T Shirt to keep warm - I kid you not!

Tackling my head problems is continuing and I have put the bad thoughts to the back of my mind for now.  I perhaps need to work my way through these.  It's difficult to explain other than the mortality stuff which I kind of get having done my Lasting Power of Attorneys which makes you think about all of this stuff and kicking around funeral plans doesn't help either!  My mother has paid for her funeral and it is an unattended cremation - no one there - we (my brother and I) can decide whether to have a do of some sort but we will not attend a funeral service etc.  Those are her wishes and I respect those.  I understand her decision, not sure my brother does...  Not his choice though is it?

Right as it is a wet and windy day I can sit down and tackle these accounts.  Let's hope I can complete them and get them resolved (for once) these are the ones that no real records existed and that I had to forensically rebuild.  I hate accounts - balance sheets in particular - I understand what they are there for but sometimes it doesn't "balance" and I spend hours trying to see what has happened!  

Not Me This Time - Up With The Lark!

 OH woke around 4 and I got back to sleep but around 6 OH woke again and I was wide awake this time so came downstairs and argued with the Facebook algorithm FFS.  Trying to sell my mother's mobility walker which having been up for a week or so is now deemed to go against community rules??  I don't know either.  So after turning down my review they then deliver me an advert under my (only you can see your post) of the identical thing and then more and more mobility aids.  This is the trouble when you cannot speak to anyone or appeal apart from an AI model.  I still have no idea why - it's not anything contentious surely?

So there you go, something to add to the general levels of madness going on at the moment.  At least some people are beginning to wake up.  Let's hope that they start to do something about it.

Anyway, quite pleased that I got out of the house even if just to do some shopping.  I need to venture a bit further afield and for longer.  At least I feel a lot better this week.

Well, I'm Getting There

 A better night sleep and I finally got up just after 6 because my knee was giving me jip once again.  It seems to have settled a bit but I might do some more Deep Heat shortly to see if that will assist.

Many of the thoughts are gone now and so I am pleased about that.  Sleep was 6 hours followed by an hour and then awake properly.  This is a lot better and I was able to blank my mind which is helpful I find.

So, here I am, sat at my desk the rain is intermittent and so I am working out what to do indoors.  I know what I should do but I am just working out whether I want to actually start it :-) There's a lot of heavy brain work involved and I need to be sharp for that as it is figures that require my attention.  Another coffee and I'll make a start.

It is still strange being retired.  This morning I got the last set of company accounts signed off and I am ready now to close the business down next week.  Hurrah!  That can then be consigned to history.  Hopefully, that will also rid me of nonsense that was going on and it can all be put to rest and shut down.   

Better I Suppose

 Still fighting my brain at night but not as much - I'd almost fallen asleep when my head decided to remind me of the awful video that had been published on the murder of young Henry Nowak and if you've seen it, it is pretty disturbing indeed.  I managed to switch off the horrific scene and got a few hours sleep and then a few more and around 5 my brain was wanting to start looking at all the projects to do in and around the house.  A short work out on breathing and I got another hour and half sleep.

I have some work to do in terms of accounts which are dependent on the weather - we finally had some rain last night with a bit of thunder and lightning and we might have more - no one can accurately say, like the storm in the late afternoon yesterday we had two hours notice.

I think that I can spend a bit of time sorting out finances too which will be good.  Mundane stuff but I need to build on these tasks and climb back to being normal (yes I know that's subjective) me!!

Better Night's Sleep

 OK that was a little better - it is much cooler and the rain woke me up a couple of times but I fell back to sleep well enough.  Only at around 5 did I hit the mind alive again which is me all over once I am awake my mind goes into some sort of parallel computing mode.  This time though I did my breathing exercises and was rewarded with another 2 hours sleep and and a strange dream escaping a volcano somewhere abroad and getting everyone together and out of the building!  

Today is finance day so I am sorting out bills, credit cards and so on.  Once that is done I will move on to getting some accounts moving.  I see that I have done some of the account but there are a few gaps so that is the next thing then cross referencing checks.

I feel OK ish today albeit a friend has passed away who has been ill for a long time.  My mind is sort of preoccupied with mortality at the moment after seeing my mum and then completing my LPAs and so on.  

At least I am not in the very low place I was in a few weeks ago or that I was in last year.  Adjusting to this aimless retirement is taking some getting used to. 

Early Rising - Habit Forming

 I had an excuse as Grandson is on an inset day (we used to call it a Baker Day) and so he arrives early.  I was awake and so 5:40 didn't seem too bad I'd normally be up at 6 anyway for him coming.

I have no idea what I have done to my knee but it needed Deep Heat on it this morning and I've now taken off the brace and it feels sort of OK.  It happens occasionally, a cricket accident from 30+ years ago!  both knees but it is infrequent.  The heat has died down a bit now and whilst I still ran the cooler overnight hopefully that can be turned down or off if the temperature drops a bit more.  It is much nicer now - warm but without the humid hit that we seem to get in the UK.  

I have some things to do which will occupy me for a few days now.  These are mainly accounts and they can be completed and be sent off for auditing.  I've got other things to do as well and so I am feeling OK and not so lost.  Tomorrow can be an accounts sort of day and I can clear up my own accounts and those of the Lodge in one hit.

I hope that I can end the habit of early rising though.  I find it difficult to sleep still and so I just need to get away from the habit and away from my mind wanting to nag me all the time.  Knowing that my mind is commenting all the time is part of the trick but the ultimate thing is to make it stop.  That is the most difficult part of it all.  Ignoring the babble and nonsense arising and dismissing it and not joining in with it's narcissistic pain body self talk.  Easier said that done but I am trying. 

Up Early Again

 Well that was strange as I woke early (twice) and got back to sleep albeit it didn't feel like I did the second time.  My OH was awake and so I sat up and the dark thoughts came and the tearful feeling and sadness too.  So I got up and I am here at 6 am,  I suppose that's not so bad.

The heat is subsiding now which is OK I suppose and means that sleep isn't as fitful as it has been.  I could certainly do without the nagging head stuff for sure.

A combination of many things and based around retirement and loss of purpose, seeing my mum ageing and all that combined.  I'd like to move on from it all but that is proving a little difficult.

It's really too hot to do much outside - I managed to shore up the gates and sort out the braces and uprights where they'd started to come apart.  It feels good to accomplish things but in this weather it really is difficult to do anything too exerting. Hopefully the weather will break and we can get rid of the high temperatures, humidity and Saharan sand! 

What's to be done?  I don't know really.  I am a lot better than I was last week and these thought bombs only come in short waves but they are powerful and upsetting.  When you consider that it is you own brain doing this to you - you'd have thought it was an easy fix but it isn't.  Trying to counter argue yourself is also a bit strange.   After a while you can just disappear the thoughts and I just need to work hard on doing that.  

Controlling My Thoughts

 It's been a bad week all in all.  I'm better than I was this time last week and the disturbed nights are lessening as the temperature cools down now.  It's been very warm and so sleeping is difficult to say the least.

Up again early this morning and whilst I still have the thoughts on and off, I recognise what they are and control them.  It is destructive though and takes work to understand what is happening and then do something about it.

I spoke to my financial guy and all is well really - I can't complain and if I did, no one would listen LOL. But we did speak about coming to terms with retirement and that is indeed difficult, at least for me.  When your purpose has been about doing things for other people most of your life taking time for yourself becomes difficult and so a new way of living needs to be examined and it doesn't happen overnight - I just hadn't planned it and of course, for someone who has always planned it came as a shock.  I didn't realise that I'd be retired (even though drawing a pension etc) until a month or two back when I took the decision to shut down the business.  In many ways, it wasn't a slow process to do.  No sales = no business = shut it down.  There's no bills to pay (ish) and you just wrap it up, job done.  In the next few weeks the paperwork will go in and that's kind of that.  I'll then just grab the files stick them in a box and write a do not destroy until (7 years later) and move on.

It was the sudden shift from doing what I've always done to doing nothing that was the jolt.  At least I know what it is and can move on from there.

I Guess It Is OK Not To Do Things

It's hot for sure and I will not be getting into my car to do the little bit of fuse replacement I need to - blown 12 Volt outlet in the console - It's an easy enough fix but, at 27 C not so much :-) Likewise, I really could do with doing some garden chores but once again, it is that hot as to not be comfortable either.  So I will not actually do anything involving physical work today.  I now have the gates (the infamous bloody gates) to do a small repair on as I notice two of the bracing timbers are coming away from their supports!  Great - so parts ordered and another thing on the list to do.

But it's OK not to do things now.  I'm retired and so it can wait as I have all the time now.  When I worked it may have meant leaving it until the next free weekend to fit around my other chores! Now I can see that it doesn't matter.

The adjustment is very difficult for me - I have always "been busy" with stuff and chores, projects, work etc.  Now, not so much.  It's whether or not to do anything in the spaces in between or to just let those happen and it bothers me and I need to adjust, acclimatise and get used to it I guess? It's not easy at all.

So my next work in progress is not to feel guilty that I am not doing anything, rather embrace that and work out from there what to do after that, when I've accepted it.

Every Year I Have This Conversation (With Myself)

 Whether to invest in A/C in the house.  For the few days it is like this we work through the 30 C days and 20C nights using my cooling tower and a misting fan plus a few old fashioned office fans.  It was at 5 am this morning that I sort of had the conversation again.  We live in the pitched roof area of our house and it has angled doors and windows making it difficult to site an A/C unit or vent it more over.  So where it's needed isn't the best place to put it.  I could put it downstairs but I'd need a more powerful unit as the house is quite large and would need to cool a large area before cooling upstairs.  

So for 4 or 5 days a year of discomfort is the ROI worth it?  I'll probably still be asking myself this very same question next year!!

Life is very strange for me at the moment.  Irrational thoughts, death and illness, getting old, losing control and independence and many many more.  I'm better than I was last week but it's got so much to do with seeing my mum and her situation relating it to my situation and so on.  I am having to work through it and make various changes to things.  I go between being quite happy and content to the complete opposite and being down and despondent.

Just going to have to fight my way through it I guess. 

Ups and Downs

 No 1 Grandchild is here today which has cheered me up and I got a half decent night's sleep given it was so hot but my cooling fan leaked and so I have a puddle in the bedroom carpter now mopped up!  

I think I know what happened so I just need to check that tonight and make sure it doesn't recur.

Was a bit annoyed that my grandson told me that the world is getting hotter because humans are causing it. Why are teachers telling them this climate porn? It's disgusting as they are blaming children for nothing and oppressing them surely this dogma should be stopped.  

If you know me you know what I think on this non scientific mumbo jumbo and even the climate change people don't spout this bollocks - but you'd need to read their literature and reports (not the executive summary written by non scientists!).  The summaries are then inflated to sell newspapers and gain clicks.  They, politicians and climate scientists cannot tell you any ROI - Return on Investment data because it doesn't exist.  The actions they have taken have made a lot of people very rich and the greater general public, US, poorer.  In the 20 or 30 years that they've promised lowering bills the opposite has happened.  Everything is more expensive because of some hoodoo voodoo nonsense.  Here in the UK we have gone faster and further than most and our reward is the highest energy prices in the world.  And, just to be sure, they slap more taxes on to the stuff with resultant businesses going bust, even higher prices and disastrous results incoming in the future as we import fuel from adjacent oil and gas fields in the North Sea from our neighbour, Norway, for example.  The very same fields, under our feet (well under the sea).  Someone needs to wake the f*** up and stop it but, you know, Socialism.  Mind you the Conservatives weren't much better enshrining this sh1t in law.

As for me, well, I am very much up and down at the moment.  I know I am not right but with the little guy around today that will cheer me up.  The weather is a little challenging and as usual makes you want to invest in AirCon for a few days :-)  Some of the things that I find myself worrying about in short snippets include:

• Getting darker in winter!
• Claustrophobia but not in any particular setting
• Dying, suicide (no I'm not there) getting old, losing my power (physical)
• Getting stuff done, having a plan or not, procrastination

I think it is all to do with retirement, loss of day-to-day work.  A feeling that my get up and go has indeed got up and left and a general lack of motivation.

You retire and the picture is painted of all the things you can get on and do and suddenly, they no longer interest me at all or rather, I just cannot be arsed at the moment.  It sounds terrible and I worry about the loss of the time and effort but there you go.  I'm aware of all of this but I just need to tackle it and work my way through t.  I'm not as bad as I was last week so hopefully I can work through this. 

Life's A Bit Of A Struggle At The Moment

 I am having a hard time of it at the moment.  The retirement conundrum is there and the general life, the universe and all that too.  Suddenly there's no purpose, no easy way out of a trap I suppose, or that's what it feels like.

The stuff that defined me has gone and I wasn't expecting this void and this confusion.  It's not the same as the dark days of last year but it is a constant challenge and it comes and goes and fights logic, what I know, what I care about and so on.  There's a fight between wanting to be busy and doing things (not easy in this mini heat wave) and just doing nothing.  

I am working my way through it but it isn't easy.  The heat does not help - I have the fans but they aren't doing much other than blowing the air around of course.  It would be nice to have air con but where to put it is an issue.

I need to work my way through this phase as it is making me very uneasy and going to see my mum last week was both nice - good to see her - but also upsetting as she is getting old and frail which is upsetting. 

Awake Early Yet Again

 I've got to get a grip on this but the heat last night didn't help - I got my cooler / fan working and managed to wake up around 2 and just about get back to sleep but at 6 woke again, turned off the fan (it's quite noisy) and come down here for an hour or so waiting for the alarm.

My mind is full of stuff that I don't seem to be able to shift.  Seeing my mum getting older and frailer and just the news in general, the prospect of financial turmoil on its way all seem to be pressing down on me and - I think I will have to do what I did some years ago and just move away from social media for a while or maybe only do the basic things on it.

I know and understand that I cannot change things overnight but I wish I could as it is very disruptive and disturbing.  I tend to wake and be almost tearful I'd say and then within a short space of time I feel better and then I'm OK and then I feel bad again and press on through that.

Absolutely everything is "a problem" and yet it isn't really of course.  So for now, I just need to chip away at this.  Having a very hot room also doesn't help much either.  In fact noting helps much but let me see what I can do about it.  I understand where I am with it, I understand the irrationality of some of it, but not all of it.  

I've had periods of my life like this before and I have got through those and so I need to do exactly that once again.

Mixed Feelings - Confusing Emotions

 My trip to see my mother was good and also sad / bad in someways too.  I am struggling with purpose and I am in a strange place.  The problems are those of ageing, of retirement, situation and on how I am dealing with them or in fact how I am not dealing with them.  Once again, I am up early and once again I wake with this melancholy, tearful, no purpose, no direction and a sort of hopelessness that is very unlike me.

My mum looks old and frail and she's lost some of her spark.  She stays in more often and she hadn't been out for weeks until I came and we went out for lunch.  Then we went through some of her paperwork for her funeral wishes and that sort of thing.  We chatted about my situation and hers and actually I came home yesterday with some uplift in my step only to find the house empty and then I did the stupid thing of ordering myself some beers for this upcoming weekend as it is going to be warm and nice!   This is not what I planned to do and I must have a plan to get myself out of this position and into somewhere that is good and uplifting for me.

It's going to have to be small and steady steps.  I realise that but the want to get things done quickly also needs to be considered - it isn't going to happen.  I think the way out at this time is to do the small projects and get them done, achieving these will be the one step at a time Elephant Eating that I need to do.  That along with working on my own lack of confidence and being able to control what I can actually control, I worry too much about the state of the country and the world as I see my world eroded and unlike me, having gone through all the things I have gone through and the suffering of some of that I actually need to check myself and go back to living now, not in the past and certainly not in the future.

Small steps is what is needed.  Little victories, working on moving ever forward.  It's not all going to happen at once and there's no rush or anything like that.  

Off To See Mum

 Awake early as my partner disturbed me.  I was suddenly wide awake but it was around 6 so I just got up and came downstairs.  I'm off to my mum's after breakfast.  A bit of a journey but I will enjoy a few days away.  Maybe it will help get my head together which is the main thing.

I do hate this period of my life as I cannot settle and my mind is buzzing with way too much in the way of thoughts good and bad, serious and mundane.  Let's hope I get to reset when I am away.

I can also get away from this PC and my office and just enjoy chatting to my mum and enjoying her company.  

Meaning, Purpose, Getting Old

 It sort of crept up on me in a way although I've been grappling with this for some while and it probably contributes towards my current state of mind too.

The thing that gave me meaning and purpose is no longer there.  The hours spent trying to get something to work and then sell are no longer there so the routine of getting up and coming into the office and generally working (or sometimes just screen staring) are no more.  That's quite a shock to find that it is no longer there.  Finding something else to do is not without its problem I find and then there's this getting old stuff to deal with.  

I suppose I can always find something to do but I'm not always in the right frame of mind for it and then there's the additional motivational things to get over.  Trying to motivate myself to go out and do some gardening or perhaps to do some maintenance on the house knowing that I'll get it in the ear if I go up a ladder or steps on my own and so on.  I do notice that I do not have the physical strength I used to and yet my brain tells me I can do such things, my body quickly dispels that!

Coming to terms with it all is now needed and trying to work out what replaces those things that had meaning, purpose and that defined me.  I need new goals but I'm not worked out what they should be yet. 

Gosh - Hearing Aids

 I've had them for some years and yesterday decided to try them out in a Lodge meeting which actually worked quite well.  The evening meal though proved difficult and I just need to adjust the levels to get it right.  The biggest problem is the ambient noise in a dining hall or environment where there are few soft furnishings.

The echo and sheer volume of noise is quite daunting.  So I took the hearing aids out, tried the noise deadening inserts which work OK but bring the volume down to a point where I cannot hear through reduced volume.

I will try again today and see if I can adjust them to get it right.

A few bad thoughts circulating this morning but a better night's sleep which was good.  Hopefully I'll get more of that as I begin to control things.

Bringing Things Back Under Control

 My Spider senses are going off all the time but I am keeping things somewhat under control for the moment.  Sleep was better and I tried to minimise social media time before going to bed, I didn't look  at my phone but did try reading a little on my Kindle before going to sleep.  I was woken by something at around 4:30 - possibly the milkman I guess.  I managed to get back to sleep and also when I woke a few hours later also managed that too so that's good as my head wasn't full of stuff.

The current political turmoil isn't helping and of course I really cannot do anything about what is going on other than whatever way we look at it, it's disastrous for the country.  We could not be at a more precarious point in our history and our financial stability as country than to have this bunch of chancers in charge.  Hardly any of them have had a real job most having come up through the political route and none seem to realise the situation before them.  It's awful but we can do nothing about it and some of the things they are proposing are massive self harm, foot shooting stupidity.  Oh well, I need to stop worrying about it anyway  I can do little to prevent it but you really can't make up what a bunch of sh1ts these politicians truly are.  Every time they say or do something they make it worse! 

At least I was able to wander up to the shops and get out of the house for a short while and I am looking forward to a meeting tonight (and one tomorrow) so that will put me in good spirits.  I need to stick some Diesel in the car which may not be so nice given the price of the stuff.  Mind you I've not needed to fill the tank since before Easter.

I am feeling a lot more in control at the moment and can see a way through that's steady and sure rather than trying to solve all my problems at once.

Better Still Awake At 5 Though

 The situation is manageable and I just need to manage it which I am half succeeding in.  Some years ago I found myself in a similar situation and worked through it.  It's a series of things (isn't it always) that each in themselves is manageable but when they merge together appear to provide doom and gloom and make my overactive brain start its incessant computing and over stimulates me.

Let's take a case in point. The current political and financial state of the country worries me greatly.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, nothing at all, I know that, you know that and yet I see these idiots driving the train at full speed around a blind curve and we all know how it will end.  But the case is I cannot tell them, I cannot prevent it and yet I worry about it.  Everywhere is doom and despondency and there's so much rumour and false information flying around.  The new media means that this (to call it information isn't right) propaganda and disinformation abounds and you can never know what is right without investigating it and so that's what I do, dig in to the "truth" of what I am being fed.

So my mind is buzzing with research and computational things.  Then my friend got very bad news yesterday from his Consultant, the worst news.  I am already having those thoughts on mortality etc.  I am doing Lasting Power of Attorney stuff and so that focuses the mind too.  So all of this stuff is coming together and challenging me.  

I know that it shouldn't do that but it is an accumulation of worries and stuff that I cannot affect at all - it's illogical of course but there you go.  

I am  planning to go dark on social media and the news and so on.  It isn't doing me any good so I'll work on how I do that going forward and hope that I am able to break this cycle.  I am pretty certain that I can do it but it needs to be sure, slow, steady progress.  As usual I want it all done NOW and that isn't going to happen and I know that.

At least I slept until 5 and then was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours so that's good.  

A Slightly Better Night - Still Bad Thoughts Though

 I was woken up at around 5 by my partner stirring but rather than get up and wander around I managed to get back to sleep within about 20 minutes and when I woke up with the alarm I took that as a small step back to normality.

I am still internally battling with my current situation and it's a series of huge mood swings in and out of being contented to being really distressed about many things.  Stuff that I know I cannot control at all.  The business is, to all intents and purposes, over it's just the dying throes of winding it all up that is required. I cannot control the current political crisis but it worries me watching the current idiots in charge screwing over the country.  I know that I cannot do everything at once, but I'd like that to happen and happen now.

I worry about my drinking and my self isolation and withdrawal from socials and at the front of my mind I worry about the loss of direction and purpose because at the end of the day - running the business gave me that purpose and that incentive to get up and come into my office.

Retirement should be different to the usual day-to-day purpose of my life.  I just haven't predicted the huge gap that is here now and the way that my thoughts left unfocused have turned me into this paranoid, shaking, sadness of present existence.  It's difficult as my INTJ self is trying to make it make sense and all the things that you thought it would be like are commercial marketing fantasies. 

Frozen in some sort of limbo I need to refocus on myself yet again.  I've taken a pounding these past 20 years and I wonder quite what I should do to get out of my malaise and stop feeling sorry for myself etc.  Waves of sadness are sweeping over me - one right now - it's the death one (mine) and those who I love flash before my eyes and yet I should be celebrating our lives not living with this bad thought.  Maybe it's appeared to remind me to not dwell on that? 

The older I get the less tough I am.  I used to be certain of myself, self assured (typical INTJ) and I knew what was needed and got on with it shrugging off the naysayers and so on.  Now I am finding myself quite emotional and I dislike that. Being the "man of the house" no longer exists and starting to lose physical power as I just can't do the things I used to when I was much younger plays on your mind too.

I hate where I am at the moment.  I'll have to work on a break or something.  I'm up to see my mum next week so hopefully I'll come back from that a little more energized and positive - maybe that is also playing on my mind as she has slowed down considerably?  

Extreme Mood Swings - Awake Again

 It felt quite different at 4 a.m I got up and came back to bed and for 10 minutes was all quite OK and then without much of a warning the tidal wave of thoughts came and invaded my head.  I had to get up and come downstairs but this time I decided to sit down in one of the comfy chairs and just calm down a bit.  I'd walked up and down for perhaps 5 minutes undecided but sitting down was good and I did my tinnitus exercise and had three sleep sessions waking up with the alarm at 7:40 so at lease that was something.

The extreme mood swings do veer from massively sad to normal (for me) and back again. The problem is that stuff that I have no control over upsets me when I am like this.  I have to stop getting involved and dragged in with it all.  I cannot do anything about the current government or where they are leading us, the potential change in Prime Minister and so on.  

Not Right - Awake Early Again - Head Full Of Stuff

 Getting out of the position you are in whether real or imagined is difficult.  Swimming against the tide makes it all seem somehow worse The other thing I have noticed is that bad news is everywhere but I know that, if I don't know it is happening, then I have no need to process it as it just makes matters worse and I cannot do anything about it anyway.

I stepped away from Social Media sometime ago and it served me well BUT here I am, back again, consuming a stream of stuff that isn't good news and trying to process it.  I need to cut it out or cut back on it.

I must do something as I do feel it eating away at me and the ups and downs of everyday are getting to me now.  It's periods of everything is fine to moments that I could just burst out crying - huge sadness comes over me, or dark black moments.

I've been through this all before of course but it's really debilitating and I'm not sure how I get out of it at this moment in time.  Journal-ling helps a bit I suppose but I need to work out what to do to sort it all out.

This Is Not Good - INTJs Do Not Cope Well With It

 Yes, I am having a mini meltdown and for many reasons I suppose.  Analysing the reasons probably doesn't help either but dealing with them, that's another thing.  Are these "things" the cause or the symptom?  Will fixing one or all of them be the right approach.

It's bad as I can clearly "get out of it" but not for long.  A few bits of work yesterday distracted me but I soon slipped back into this state of mind.  Interestingly my tinnitus disappeared yesterday for a while but it's back this morning.  I woke overnight again but managed to go back to sleep in 20 minutes whereas often if I wake and it is light I come downstairs for an hour or two.

The pain body is really giving it some stick at the moment and I just need it to pass and to go back but here, right now, writing this, it wants to pile the pressure on.  I am working my way through this a bit at a time but it is really difficult this time.  The way my mind works isn't conducive to sorting this out, there's probably not a nice easy answer to it I do need to work my way through it somehow as it is debilitating.  

I don't want to do anything, just sit and stew so that needs to be worked on. Let's see what I can do today to do that.  

Here We Go Again - Black Dog Comes Back To Haunt Me

 I hate these visitations they are "all in your head" or so they say and that's true and I know it to be so and I can normally deal with it and it goes away and yet, you forget that.  Forget that you've been through all of this before, realise that it can be worked away from and yet right now, it feels hopeless and it's as if there is no way out of this malaise.

Don't feed the dog ought to be a note on my desk.  I've sunk down to that area where I don't want to go out or do anything but by not doing anythings, there's the empty space for the Dog to get in, settle down and stir up thoughts that I'd rather not have.  I can feel the mental and physical anxiety spreading, I'm not sleeping properly and drinking has become a habit that I need to tackle as well. 

Shortly, after a few meetings I can go see my mum and that will cheer us both up.  I need a break but I'm too lazy (not the correct word) to do anything about it.  It's been three years since the last holiday and I really didn't enjoy that if I think about it. Or maybe that's just me being in my dark space.

I've turned into my father who was prone to these dark moods.  I am swinging in and out of being really sad and morbid and just being accepting of it but not anywhere near my normal self.

I've got my note book to hand and so I need to get this darkness out of my current mindset, get rid of the dog and move on - it is so much easier to say than to do.  

Didn't Work This Morning Though Did It?

 Awake at 2 am and it was dark enough to go back to sleep but awake at 5:30 as OH got up and came back to bed and that was it, wide awake and my thoughts were once again of the disturbed sort.  I am having a right old tussle of thoughts at the moment.  Not all are good thoughts and so I am struggling to contain it at the moment.  

Add that together with the mortality thoughts, the change in lifestyle and now some concern over my eyesight and my hearing and the live in the moment attitude has suddenly gone from serial thoughts and actions to being bombarded with parallel thoughts and inaction. 

It will pass as these things often do - it's just that this bump in the road is a little more difficult to negotiate but I will get over it.  It's like dragging a load of heavy weights around after you though. 

Effective Breathing To Go Back To Sleep

 The struggle continues as once again I find I awoke at 05:30 but this time I was able to work on my breathing to get back to sleep thank goodness.  This is the 4 second in through the nose, 6 second (or a count of) breathing out through the mouth and actually concentrating on the breath itself - feeling it going in and out of the body and I was probably back asleep within 5 minutes.

Concentrating on breathing in and out takes away all the unhelpful thoughts and allows focus elsewhere.  I know this but forget to practice it.  I'm still tired but at least this helped.  I also need to shut down looking at my phone, tablet or PC for some time (hours) before bed.

It was a nice afternoon and evening out with some old and new friends.  The journey there was fraught with accidents, closed and roadwork roads adding another 30 minutes to my journey there and perhaps a further 15 minutes to my return journey.  

I have yet another problem with my electric gates this time the other leaf as that has started scraping and I am not sure why that is but then again, the weather bends and warps the wood and now it is drying out and the gates are working properly on their electric actuators this new dragging needs a bit of maintenance.  These are big gates to work on and so I'll be having a "bit of fun" using large spanners to manipulate the adjustable hinges.  Hopefully that is all it needs as if I have to invest in another Acrow to support the post I will be disappointed.  The other Leaf has such a device as the post is loose and leaning - or rather it was until I set up this adjustable prop to stop that gate leaf hitting the driveway.

In other news it is the local council elections and about half the seats in England are up for the public to voter.,  We had our vote (despite  the Government of the day postponing it) last year.  There are also the London Boroughs and the Scottish and Welsh parliament elections.  It will prove interesting to see what the results show because despite the fact that these are local you can be sure that national sentiments will come through based on the shocking performance of the current lot who seem to come out with some ill thought through policy that pisses everyone off even more.  It's as if they didn't do any sort or market research or impact assessment before stating their "great new policy".  If they'd engaged their brain before their mouth perhaps someone would think that it was worth doing.

For people who were voted in on Change, less control over our lives (yep they said that) they are doing what all socialists do and telling you what you can and cannot have even down to what sort of Tumble Dryer you are allowed to have!  They'll be telling us what underwear to put on and what colour shirts (bound to be red).  An absolute shower of spinless, rudderless incompetents and that's their good points.

Anyway - at least I have handled the getting back to sleep stuff and I hope that I can work on the other problems by working through them a bit at a time.   

Urgh - Yet Another Disturbed Night

 Five O'Clock this time, wide awake - startled out of whatever dream I was having which was complex and circular going nowhere but just all procedural and bureaucratic. That was it, wide awake and then came the thoughts and the dark places were lining up to prevent renewed sleep so I threw on a few clothes and came downstairs - it is quite light at 5 a.m. 

I was then greeted with a mouse in the kitchen trap this time - had one in the living room trap a few days back.  It is most unusual to have them here in what is almost summer - they tend to arrive just after harvest time and over winter.  A shame but anyway I cleared that up and then did some admin and wondered whether I've somehow screwed my cortisol levels or something.

I was sad and melancholic almost wanting to burst into tears for no real reason.  I'm fighting the demons again, not quite full Black Dog but too near for my liking.  I've grabbed a shower and apart from feeling a little tired I am sort of OK.  I've a meeting tonight to go to and perhaps that will break this mood for me.  It is very much this change from one state to the other that is challenging me - from work busy to retirement and I somehow didn't plan it or put off thinking about it and now it's here and dealing with it is taking some time.

I pretty much know what it is and I just need to adjust to it.  I'm sure that it just needs me to change my lifestyle to suit and to get rid of all this negative energy.  Knowing what it is (or what I think it is) is not the same as dealing with it.  Things need to change to stop the spiral of depression and this worthlessness I currently feel.  There's the mortality stuff to deal with too which isn't helping me much.

I am making small steps in tackling all of this but in truth, I need to start "eating my own dog food" as the saying goes and do something about it.  I cannot keep putting it off.

Clarity Possibly - Disturbing Thoughts Again

 I have had these disturbing thoughts on and off for years.  The survivor syndrome, the visits by the Black Dog and last year's meltdown all tell you and me something about how things have been these past 20 years.  This July it's been 20 years since it all presented.

The journey, if we can call it that, has been sporadic and in many ways not without some huge swings in mood.  I'd always been sensitive to anyone calling out my professionalism - I pride myself on how "good" I was at my job and my technical competence in certain early control systems and microprocessor work was called on and so it comes as a shock to get called out, like I did last year but then it made me anxious, stressed and sick even though I was fully aware that the accuser didn't have a clue and was being advised by wormtongues I am certain.

But, Bladder Cancer and the way it changed me has made me weaker in the head than I used to be and less self assured than I was and my brain used and still uses that against me - the pain-body being the culprit and myself knowing that is the case for not identifying t and fighting it off.

Recently, much to my consternation, I have been having the "better off dead" thoughts too.  It's not good but I can see why.  This change from business activity (or inactivity LOL) is really messing with my head and purpose is having to be redefined in many ways because what is the purpose?  Work, home, family used to be the focus but that's all changed now.  Things that I used to do feel unsettling now, even going out for an evening feels strange to me. 

I think that things are beginning to change and some clarity is coming along but I find myself distracting with small short projects (keeps me busy) and back to procrastination on other things I should be doing, my accounts for example, I need to just sit here and do them and have done with it.  You get into a rut even when in reality the day is open to you to do what you want and so I think I will try and call on my Programme / Project Director's background and organise my self in a way that actually achieves things in the good old Elephant Eating method (Q: How do you eat and Elephant knowing how big it is? A:  A bit at a time)  That's it really - the deadlines of my previous life no longer exist, they've been taken away and there's a gap in my life.  That gap needs to be filled with retirement things.

So I have done little jobs these past few days.  I'm tackling small jobs, in a small way and then working on the fact that there are 365 days here and the only calls on my time are 14 half days per year.  The whole of the summer has no demands on my time and so I can break the time up to suit myself.  An hour here and an hour there.  There's lots that can occupy my time but I can Elephant Eat that - Tidy the Log shed up, clear the weeds, mow the lawn (well strim it) work my way around the little odds and ends of jobs I've put off and there are hundreds of days and hours to do these things and it doesn't need to be a marathon when a few short sprints might sort it out.

I want everything done at once but reality says if I do a little bit everyday it will get done and there should be no need to fret about it either.  You tend to feel good when you've achieved something and a series of small daily achievements will, I am sure, get me out of this malaise.  I've done a few chores already - less than 30 minutes work on each and ticked off of the list.  

Bank Holiday Monday

 I recall the very first Bank Holiday Monday as we headed off to Broadstairs for the weekend and stayed at a nice B&B.  Our friends knew a restaurant that we went to that had the biggest Mixed Grill I had ever seen.  I remember I drove us down there.  It was a great time.  We used to play Badminton together and I shared a flat (well a house really) with MW and Sundays were crazy.  Both are future wives and us would head to the Sports Centre and play perhaps an hour's Badminton and then he and I in particular would undo all the good by having several beers in the clubhouse!

That was in 1978 - now I feel very old indeed.as that was 48 years ago.  We used my Sunbeam Rapier to get there (UK version of a Plymouth Barracuda).  A brilliant car and before mobile phones and the like we had a few hairy hours of trying to get to and from pick up points when incoming trains were delayed requiring me to dash between three stations.  It worked out OK after that though.

Halcyon days with my own car, living away from my parents and having enough money to pay my way too.  I was 19 years old then, peak of my powers in many ways and newly qualified Engineer.  A few years later, married and it would have been 45 years a few days ago had I not split up and walked away from it all.  

I Suppose It Is Normal

 Friday's anxiety was, as always, soon put to the back of my mind, once I got to the meeting, met with some old and new friends, settled in and relaxed the anxiety evaporated and I was able to put it all behind me and I was among friends and the stress fell away.

I am certain that this is a process you have to go through when you retire from the world of work and in my case this awful experience of being blamed for someone else's bad decision making.  I don't think I have gotten over that properly yet and it will soon be over as the business will shortly be dissolved.  Perhaps that can then be "put to bed" and I can move on?

It's fair to say that there are many things that I could be getting on with and slowly I am making a start.  I've gotten rid of all my business books and a load of spare gadgets that I frankly never used or haven't used in the 7 or 8 years I have been here.  The contents of the books are pretty much available online and I wont need them anymore so someone else can benefit from them now.

Likewise, gradually going through things that I will never use again and disposing of those will give me room to breathe too.  My film scanners, projectors and the like haven't been used properly for years either and I think that I can probably sell those off along with other bits of equipment used when I ran the film and scanning business.

So that is a plan to do a gradual disposal of things that currently just gather dust.  It's going to be harder for me to work on other areas of being retired.  I just need to work on them and realise that things will improve but not at the speed I want them to.  The disturbed sleep and the crazy sudden emptiness of no longer being "busy" all need to be tackled but I imagine it is the same for everyone.  It's the potential to waste what I have now that also plays on the back of my mind.  

It will change albeit not as fast as, or as complete as, I want it to.  Patience and slowing down are required. 

Due Out This Evening And I Am Anxious

 I shouldn't be but I am a little anxious, I can feel it building a little bit and it's been like this for a number of years.  I am going to a meeting, not far away perhaps 15 minutes drive.  I'll be with people I know and it will be all pleasant and interesting and hopefully not as warm as last year when we had one of the lads faint on us!  It should be fine, no stress.  I might have a little job to do but again, that's not a problem either.  So there isn't a reason for me to be stressed and there is room (for my claustrophobia) so there's no crush and so on so I don't know what I am anxious about, there's the little matter of driving there and back but again, it isn't too difficult really.  

I've got other meetings coming up too - May is the busiest in my calendar and I'll be paying ULEZ at £12.50 a throw which apparently makes it OK to drive into London albeit I'll hardly be in London!  Then I'll only have a meeting in June and July to go to and we get summer off.

This anxiousness is strange though because I'll enjoy the meeting and the dinner afterwards so it's not logical to feel like this at all really.  It is what it is, once I'm there I'll feel fine, settle down and enjoy it.   

Progress A Few Steps Backwards But Mainly Forwards

 It is all a bit strange - getting a new phone and navigating it's nuances was just annoying as they put all sorts of adverts and nag screens in but a google search and I was able to turn most of the annoying stuff off.  AI also helps when you ask for step by step instructions how to achieve something too.  I've put my effort into building custom birthday cards for people I know and I am delighted that I can ask AI to build bespoke cards for me.  It adds a personalized touch to the occasion and I hope it is appreciated too.

I've just received some of my supplements and I now have a regime where I have quite a few vitamins and minerals every day.  I hope it helps keep the Doctor from the door.  I started taking vitamins in 2000 although I had been taking some basic Vit C and D before then.  Now it is a cocktail of additional things including Iodine.  I feel quite lucky that I do not have any signs of arthritis which my friends appear to have or any other problems.  Sure, I've had Bladder Cancer of course and when younger problems with my ears and whilst I have hearing aids and hearing definition inserts I find I only use them occasionally.  The Tinnitus is manageable but can on days cause more annoyance than anything else.  I have the occasional problems with my knees from a cricket accident 30 years ago.  That's it, aches and pains but not requiring replacement joints or anything else and I hope that I will continue to be free of such things.  

I must lose some more weight over this coming summer and get out and about more as I feel I have been stuck indoors for years.  I'm not sure what stops me from getting out other than the habit of being in.  

There are a few things left for me to do before I am free of the business commitments in as much as I need to finalize the closing of it.  Then it needs to be archived and be put away for 7 years.  That leaves a couple of things that I must do in admin terms and then I can continue to make progress towards retirement.  There are still the occasional moments where I catch myself wondering what am I doing looking blankly at this screen or desk, they are becoming less as I work on moving forward and putting all the crap behind me - finally!

New Phone - A Bit Daunting

 I finally had enough of my old phone rebooting itself and so I got a new phone - bigger more powerful but of course there's all the setting up and re-logging on and security to overcome.  But it has a better camera and so I was able to chat to my grandson this morning.  How can he be 5 years old already?  He was on good form as was my soon to be 3 years old granddaughter. 

It's taken about a whole day now to get things as I want them and to shut down all the nag screens from the manufacturer's embedded Apps!  

Let's hope it lasts more than the 5 years my last phone lasted!    

Measuring Happiness

 In recent months I've been adapting to not having anything to do.  Well, that's not quite true.  In reality I've been trying to work out what life without work is like and what my next journey is going to look like.  The strangest thing to me is these dream / flashbacks that I've been having.

I got rid of a lot of the reliving of my past perhaps 14 or more years ago when it was becoming a problem for me.  When I was over analysing anything and everything and I, overnight, banished a lot of the pouring over my past and the what if and so on.  That works quite well, the odd time that I slip back but I know the signs and I stop the rot before it sets in.

The recent things are like a moment ago when I looked back or flashed back to my early days in College and how happy I was back then.  Enthusiastic, motivated to learn new things and I had a great lecturer it was so different from school being treated as an adult and everything was new and exciting.  Another flashback is at break time, at another college, having fun with new friends, going to the local park for lunch and getting along with everyone.  It was all new and you were suddenly out there, in the big world and doing for want of another word, 'stuff' you had your own money and your own freedom. So I get these flashbacks and I sort of get what they are implying for my today by looking back at those halcyon days of my youth.  

Some though are strange as there's no rhyme or reason for recalling these scenes somewhat like Harry Potter's Pensive scenes a past experience is replayed.  In my case these are apparently random nothing scenes.  I have one where we (my college colleagues) and I are in my battered old Mark1 Cortina and we are driving not far from Wandsworth past a parade of shops, a double decker bus is on the opposite side of the road and we drive across a pedestrian zebra crossing and continue our journey.  That's it, that is the scene perhaps someone is directing me where to go. We are again at lunch break from college so perhaps off to a pub somewhere?   In another I am parking the car at Putney but that's all of the snippet.  There's not a clue why I would recall these at all.  There's no incident surrounding them so that is what I find strange.

So back to the subject as I have segued a bit.  Happiness when I was younger seems to be a freedom things, earning and playing, no real worries, having a smoke and a drink, being with friends and having fun.  Work was hard but also fun, playing hard and working hard.  Had my own money at last and was in those great years when the music was brilliant and the weekends lasted from Thursday night until Sunday late evening.  Of late, I've not been having fun nor have I just gone our and enjoyed myself like I used to. You grow up, you get obligations and responsibilities, you get seriously ill, you recover your health but not your mental state, you have to work with arseholes and pillocks and then realise you've worked with those sorts of people all your life.  You despair whether the human race will ever learn its lessons, give it's head a wobble and grow the f*** up?

So, I need to get back to how I used to be where everything was exciting and new. 

Fixed - One Thing Off Of The List

 So the gate post is "fixed" kind of.  It's an interesting thing as I'd done a temporary repair and over the winter I'd had the gate not opening fully so it was all a bit annoying.  That opening has fixed itself now the wood has stopped taking on water and expanding and causing the gate to not quite open as it should.  It is now fully fixed well that is until the next period of rain and cold.  The other problem that I had half fixed was a sagging gate post only a tiny bit and last year I bought a Trench Accrow and propped the gate and it worked fine but again, the weather has changed and this morning the gate was just dragging again.  So whilst I was there, out with the Multi-Tool and a few strategic cuts made and it is all working nicely now as the cuts made allow the whole length of the Accrow foot to be in contact with the post (rather than at just two points).

A job off of my list of to dos and so I am pleased with that, no more than 10 minutes to fix albeit its been waiting 6 months to do properly rather than the bodge I did last year.

I've another thing to get done on my list and then I can pretty much do as I want for a while.  All is under control as far as I can see.  Things need to get done but in their own time frame now rather than mine.  I like the idea of deadlines are for someone else now, it takes the pressure off of me for sure.  Getting used to this retirement malarkey is interesting... 

A New Purpose? Reinvention?

 When you have a goal or a purpose it all seems to come together somehow.  Work, Business, Marriage, House, Family it all fits together and it's sort of cohesive it fits where it touches and all is OK.  Getting divorced was a soul ripping moment after all the impact and fallout of the Bladder Cancer times and it must be around that time that my self esteem, my cocksure assertiveness fell away and this different me started to form.  It probably wasn't like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, no, more like a series of events that changed the way and who I am/was.

There is no longer any business to "keep me going" and actually I am glad, it's been a 9 year burden now I come to think of it and frankly I should have got rid of it at the first signs of being used (and abused).  However, I didn't and that call on my time and the effort I put in were both good and bad.  Good as I still went through doing what I should do against the odds and bad, in that the other person and his "friends" conspired to thwart what I was doing  and to what end?  Destroying their business using their shareholder muscle in the process?  Hopefully they will not complain when the letter arrives shortly to state the business is shut?

So business and that stress will be gone.  There's no more family to take care of no day-to-day things like that and suddenly (and it shouldn't be suddenly really) I'm thinking options, what to do with myself and things like that.  I realise that I haven't done things for years, flown my Drone for example.  Three years since Mauritius and I've not flown the Drone, used the GoPro or used my other cameras.  The film I was making of that holiday lies in metaphorical pieces on the cutting room floor of my server, incomplete.  The garden needs maintenance as does the house and we realised that the last holiday we had was indeed three years ago too.

My daughter is off around the world for the next year or two, travelling and good on her.  I'm wasting my hours in a new vacuum, wondering what to do with myself and flailing around trying to get my Mojo back and it's a very strange place to be for me.  I had planned quite a different future for myself but this is where I am at and this is what I have to deal with.

What to do?  I am sure I will arrive at a way forward but the invisible threads of expecting to be doing some business tasks and so on aren't breaking or if they are, they are taking a long time.  I still expect to be doing something work related tomorrow and feel bound to the computer to do spreadsheet or research related things.  They've gone, a hole is there in its place and I am not filling it with activity but somehow floating in the space left behind.  Having said that I did tackle some tasks last week and somewhat successfully so perhaps I will start to work out what I want to do and how I want to do it?  

You work all your life to retire and enjoy yourself and it doesn't seem to be working out that way at all.....  

Reminder On Social Media - A Sad Tale

 As you may recall, six years ago we were in lock down and treated like common criminals in our own country and as you probably know it was all for nil and we are paying for that now still.  That's what you get for voting in scoundrels and half wits as I said at the time it was wholly unnecessary and viruses are unable to read one way signs and can pass right through paper masks!  

I digress other than how it is now 6 years since my friend died, aged just 59, not of Covid though.  It was a huge shock as I had only been talking to him a day or two before and another friend had spoken to him a few hours before!  I intend to do some work on one of his talks (of which he gave many) as a sort of tribute to him.  I have his words and papers here I just need to work out quite how I make it worthy of a tribute to him.

How on earth it can have been 6 years I do not know.  Time has flown of course and I cannot tell you where it has gone really?  My grandson is 5 next week and granddaughter is 3 in a few months time.  It feels like only a short while ago that my daughter got married!  Yet that too is 7 or 8 years ago.  

So I remember my friend with great affection as he was just climbing towards great things when he was taken from us.  Too soon we lost a great talent.