Dawn's Early Light

 Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal'  At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.

Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought.  It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps?  Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy.  My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.

So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent.  I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this.  I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum.  Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on. 

At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year.  Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation.  I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.

The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action.  I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it.  It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done.  Specific targets and specific bits of work.  SMART we used to say.  Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.  

My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project.  It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this.  Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do.  These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside.  It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.

I need too to work on myself and my mental situation.  There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):

• Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
• Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
• Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
• Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.   
• Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with.  Do I need or want one (or many).  I don't know at the moment.
• General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc. 
• Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.  
• Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try.  It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work. 

Anyway that's just a bit of it - and Elephant eating will be required as well as getting all the anxiety under control - I can, of course, do this but my head (or part of it) fights me and gets in the way.  

Slow Return To Clarity

My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing.  What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked? 

Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to.  They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required.  You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of? 

So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose?  I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff.  It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state.  As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand. 

I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her.  I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.

On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in.  With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.

I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.    

Rain - Almost forgotten What It Was

 It wasn't a lot of rain but it was enough to remember what it looked, sounded and smelt like.  Admittedly, it was not enough but for the short while it was really pouring, puddles formed and it was a welcome sight indeed.  Someone suggested it was eight weeks since rain last fell but I am sure there was an overnight series of showers a few days ago that woke us up. Mind you eight weeks feels about right as we have had an exceptional summer once again.

I like the doom mongering but really we weren't using standpipes and anywhere near the 1976 summer even though our media still thinks its global warming and climate change.  A few years ago we suffered the wettest summer ever and now the driest and so on.  If we get thirty years of red hot summers and very mild winters then you'd probably make a case for it, 30 years is how "climate" can be determined after all.

Talking of waking up I managed to wake just the once overnight and up about an hour before "normal" which I am quite pleased about given I had a couple of car naps during the day.

Annoyed that one of my servers is showing it needs a new HDD - they aren't cheap and I'll have to get one ordered so I can change it when I get back from visiting my mum.

I managed to keep the thoughts out of my head overnight and so far this morning.  The insect bites are receding and my aching shoulder / neck appears to be just a distant throb after treating with some deep heat overnight.

 Today holds, perhaps, a better "head" day and I can attempt to get something (anything) done.  Yesterday was planning the short trip away occupying my planning and risk management skills :-) Today?  I'm not sure yet, I will tackle that in a short while and see where we go with it.  

The Battle Rages In My Head

 Soon, I will be clear of the Business ties and the woes that went with that.  You go from one extreme to the other a happy going concern and then human self destructive tendencies take over.  The utter betrayal I felt then is still eating away at me but not so much as it did then and I realise now that I wasn't in control,  as I usually am, then and that I've let it go, done the right things but it leaves a sour taste as to yet another person using me.  It should have stopped way back when I had the opportunity to do so.

That it didn't is just the way it is.  I cannot change history but neither can I get rid of the "being used" aftertaste either.  At the moment I am running an internal battle and I know that I shouldn't be doing that but it is very difficult to stop it going on.  When I do manage that, all is well.

These demons are self made, not real and part of me that are not allowing me to move on.  Sure, they are less than they were a few weeks ago but they are still there and still giving me disturbed nights (and days if I'm honest about it).  By that I mean they need to be fought and most probably by the very same part of my head that is generating them, it's like a pair of squabbling kids in my head, one is doom and gloom and self loathing and ugly and disruptive, the other is calm and logical and peaceful.  One comes up with objections and nasty thoughts and the other tackles these only for another thought to emerge as each bad thought is defeated.

An ongoing cycle and one that I win occasionally.  I know that all of this isn't necessary and that I can do something about it but it takes a lot of effort to continuously fight this.  Now I do not have the very real distraction of work to concentrate my mind on, the space left has been invaded by this civil war in my head.  I can clear it for minutes, hours, days at a time but the bad thoughts come back to haunt me and with that the spiral recommences and manifests itself as it does both internally and externally.  

I am working on getting out of it but it is whether I can be disciplined to do it.  A good excuse has been the weather of late too hot to do anything physical or trying to work in the office.  As the summer slowly abates, the nights draw in, I need to actually do things and achieve them but more than that, I need to get rid of these thoughts and banish them where they belong.  They are almost without exception negative and cruel and they should have no place in my head at all.  Who knew that retirement would bring all of this to the surface once again.  Of course, I have beaten this in the past and I will do so again.  

Once you've beaten it, keeping it away from returning is the next thing as I don't want to feel like this again it is so destructive. 

 

My Mind Works In A Most Mysterious Way Sometimes

 I think I probably documented it somewhere here around 13 or 14 years ago I'd guess, I had my lovely X-Type Jaguar in for an MOT (roadworthy testing) and they'd told me that the offside rear wheel tyre needed changing as it had got the beginnings of perishing on the inner wall.

I took it to my trustworthy tyre man and he jacked the car up and took a look and said no, everything was alright.  A bit perplexed I went home and at 3 in the morning I woke up and said, that wasn't the offside that was the nearside he looked at.  It was amusing when I drove back in and said Id had a dream about him overnight, he gave me an old fashioned look but then I explained that he examined the nearside and not the offside and sure enough this time we found it and fixed it.

I realte this story because I recently sold some items on a site called NextDoor and the chap who came to buy them got the time wrong then when he arrived proceeded to show me his lag that he was having treatment for that made him a bit woosy and was one of the reasons he'd got the time wrong as he was on powerful antibiotics and painkillers. But here's the thing, he then said that his wing mirror had been hit in the lane - we live in a very narrow lane, and he showed me the wreckage held together with an elastic luggage tie.  I showed him where my car had been hit too and that I'd used eBay to source the parts.  He then said that his van side had been hit too.  He partially pleased poverty and we agreed to drop the price a little which I was expecting, it was priced for that.

I woke this morning and there it was again, it was his nearside mirror and bodywork that was affected so he'd have to have been driving on the wrong side of the road or hit something himself unless it was perhaps done whilst parked which he actually said he was driving and the other chap didn't stop!  So we can draw some conclusions from that - perhaps he'd been driving on the wrong side of our lane - possible I suppose, he actually hit something when avoiding a car or van coming down the lane as it was nearside he probably hit something in the hedgerow or one of the posts?  There's no way he could have driven normally and lost his nearside mirror otherwise. 

It takes me a while but suddenly these details click together and so my mind must have been trying to work out that there was something obviously wrong and the impact on the wrong side was obviously giving my head a problem.  Sorted now.... 

Never Easy The Ups and Downs Continue

 Sleep continues to be hit and miss.  I had been up early for our grandson's days with us and so that's OK.  He went out with his Granny and I stayed back at the hose, sat down and promptly had a few dozes.  Out of nowhere boom, asleep.  This morning I am up just before 6 with OH getting up and waking me and I was suddenly wide awake and could not switch off.  It had also been a little more humid and warm than I thought and so that didn't help.

What was nice was to come down and after hearing the rain during the night smell the freshness of the rain as I opened the door.  We haven't had any meaningful rain in weeks, perhaps months and so this is welcome.  It's not a lot but it really doe feel good.

Both of us are covered in insect bites that are pretty nasty requiring plenty of cream and histamine (or is it anti histamine) tablets to tackle the itching and the way the body has responded to the bites, angry raised heads and large red patches!

I'll get out  today to the local shops and do some house keeping returning goods. perhaps I will get a little shopping in as well whilst I am there.  It will be nice going out in a bearable temperature perhaps as much as 15C lower then this time last week.  

I must though work on my sleep.  I dislike sleeping pills.  I've had them when in Hospital but the drowsiness meant I've steered clear ever since.  I doubt that is the answer and I think the heat and being inactive don't help as I haven't been working either with my mind or my body.  Maybe something to investigate as I struggle with retirement and no longer working mentally on the business side of things?

Sleep, Mood And General Update

 I cannot say that I am a lot better than I was but certainly nowhere near as bad as I was a few weeks ago.  Have my new glasses made a difference?  Probably as I can now see and read again but getting used to the new prescription in terms of close work and reading is taking a bit of time.

I managed to sleep through to the alarm this morning albeit it was an early alarm for looking after grandson.  However, not to be scoffed at as I managed just to wake once and got back to sleep with 15 minutes I'd say.  So an improvement.  The heat of the past few weeks / months has gone and we are back to around 25C which is actually quite comfortable and it looks as if we will have a few wet days to come which will actually be an interesting phenomenon as we have had (as far as I know) just the one or two showers in the past 6 to 8 weeks.  The humidity will also come down I understand so that too will be welcome. 

I am still up and down though and need to work on that and my shaking hand which is worrying.  I noticed it last year but apparently it's nothing to worry about, just old age!

I can probably also get back indoors and tidy my desk up too which really needs some TLC.  The heat has made it only possible to be in here in the early morning really.  So I am feeling a bit better but now need to "pull myself together" as the phrase goes. 

Whew - Temperature Down, Humidity Up

 It is early around 6 in the morning and I managed to sleep through which is great.  It's misty outside and very humid indoors but hopefully much cooler when I ope up the house. 

I have a journey to do soon to drop OH and her friend off to a railway station and then go on to see my mum.  It was kind of dropped on me but let's see if the visitor's room is available?  If it isn't it could be costly!

 I'm feeling OK today, a little nostalgic as someone posted a photo and in it are my old flat mate and some other friends and my friend's wife.  She and I were platonic friends and I have a lovely photo of her and I atop the Eiffel Tower in our late youth or early twenties.  Funny how you drift away over the years.  We have reconnected on Facebook which is nice.

I suppose with all my head weirdness going on at the moment it reignites memories of those days and I am not certain if that is actually helpful or not?  Be that as it may it was lovely to see a photo of her in particular and perhaps the true feelings I had for her surfaced for a moment.  In my imagination I dreamt that we met and she looked at me closely in the eyes and asked "How long?" (had I held these feelings) and I responded "All of my life" - not known for my sentimentality it surprised me that I thought that and yet I can apply it to three of my close (girl) friends.  I am still in touch with them all.  We were good friends back then but they were in other relationships.  I'd known them all from school and hung around with them - I was also very quiet and shy back then.

Anyway, nostalgia indeed. It could have all turned out differently as they say.  

Well Hopefully The Last Of The Hot Nights

 Hot nights means a different thing these days.  It was hot and my cooler did well to keep blowing cold air last night.  Not A/C which, perhaps, we should invest in  

The Government used the alert system on lots of peoples phones yesterday scaring a lot of them.  I turned mine off when they first suggested it so I only heard it on the live Cricket commentary going off with the commentators and also the crowd.

Were they warning about invasion or some such?  No they were telling everyone it is hot and to not use disposable BBQs.  Socialism.  Agreed though that people have always been terminally stupid when it comes to such things.  The country is a tinderbox at the moment and so leaving a BBQ unattended or having a bonfire and not expecting the sparks to set something alight are in the gift of the stupid.

Up a little early but not too bad and I hope that we soon will return to a relatively normal weather pastern.

Here is something that was posted yesterday about the 1976 heatwave. I remember some of it but the mind seems to forget some of the details.  The invasion of Ladybirds I remember well as I was working in an air intake area for a large bank and so nice and cool as the air came into the building but of course, the ladybirds came in with it.  Ladybirds means something quite different these days LOL.  

1976 - Hot As You Like!!! 

 - 

Aches & Pains But Nowt Broken - Lucky

 Yes, lucky as I didn't have any control over the fall and so it's mainly light bruises, scrapes and slightly pulled muscles!  Add to that the hottest day of the year so far we recorded 37 C here and it was a strange old day.  I got bitten again by some Gnat/Mozzie or whatever but my poor OH has been bitten multiple times and had to get to the pharmacist to get something for it.  She won't let me spray a few of the rooms for her.

The cooler works nicely in this weather but I am considering A/C again, they are all sold out of course :-) The one I'd like is not available at the moment but perhaps it is an Autumn project rather than trying to do it now?

Another hot day on the cards today and I am up about an hour early this morning, woke just once and slept through which is pretty good even in this heat.

Feeling OK about things at present. It's too hot to actually do anything.  Changing the bed sheets was a relay with OH stripping the bed and me making it late in the evening.  As we live in the pitched roof the heat can really build up! 

Lots of deliveries delayed from yesterday and Wednesday too which will hopefully arrive today for a few projects.  Keeping busy is helping but the heat isn't helping of course!   

Falling Over - Lucky Not To Have Broken Something I guess

 So yesterday was the day we tackled the Wisteria that had grown rampant and invaded our roof, blocking light from the windows and I managed to get up the steps and pull it down then clip it as best as I could.  Getting some sort of insect bite for my troubles to add to the other recent ones!  Right on my side just above the waistline.

The steps were a little rickety but I wasn't taking any chances with them and did everything in as safe a manner as I could.  I got inside and cooked by breakfast/lunch on'y for my chair to collapse and throw me backwards as the left leg collapsed.  I didn't break anything apart from the chair and it did hurt - a scrape across my arm and this morning of course, aching legs and arms, left shoulder and collarbone feel bruised and my waist feels like I've done something to that as well.  At least I didn't break anything I guess.

An evening interrupted by the eclipse and many people in the field next to us watching it - it started around 6 pm so the sun was low in the sky anyway and we were lucky in as much as we have a Balcony so could see it longer.  Some idiot had his dog off the lead in a field full of sheep!  What is wrong with people?  Luckily he managed to call it back and with the risks of wildfires raised through the drought managed to have a smoke (or it looked like it it may have been a vape).  Sometimes you wonder how people like that managed to live into adulthood?  We've lost our connection to common sense.

Up a little early around 6 and my daughter travelling abroad received our electronic cards for her birthday. She is on a world wide trip and is currently working her way through Canada down to the USA.  

It is going to be very hot today up in the high 30s and so that is going to take some getting used to.  I've been hotter when I was in France many years ago and Spain too but this is exceptional for the UK I have to say and indeed the whole of Europe.  What it does do, if expose the media for their doom mongering, catastrophic headlines, but I suppose if they were to change their click bait, headline grabbing and, let's face it, money making narrative, they'd go out of business.  I doubt any of them would make money if they were to only report good news?

I need to get off to somewhere a little cooler than my office for sure.  I'm aching all over the place at the moment too which makes me go ouch whenever I climb or descend the stairs or sit or get up!  Poor old bloke!  But at least nothing is broken.   

Leg Cramp - That Got My Attention

 I don't know why as I haven't had leg cramp for a while at least not as ferocious as this morning's.  But I suppose it was a warm night and the cooler was blowing on me plus I took my Magnesium and Potassium late just before bed maybe?  Who knows?  It certainly got my attention and it's the sort of one that reminds you for some hours that you've had it.  As I say it has been a long time since that has happened.

Sleep was very good only waking once during the night and managing to get back to sleep reasonably quickly and of course woken about 30 minutes earlier than normal with the cramp in my lower calf muscle!

It is very warm and today has a potential to be in the 30 C region.  I think we are now used to it which of course if what you'd expect.  The newspapers and media in general of course think the world is suffering record this or that, on fire, boiling and so on.  A review through the archives will tell you it is no such thing but they have to sell papers and advertising and selling doom and gloom is their primary raison d'etre after all.  At least it isn't an Omega blocking so that's good.  It does curtail outdoor projects though and so I am stuck inside or do work, as this morning, before the heat builds.  Work required to stop the Wisteria taking over the roof of my house! 

I'm feeling a lot better but still have to combat these stupid voices in my head which as long as I catch them, can be controlled before they spread and do damage.  It's not falling for them that's the way forward. I am also limiting how much"news" I consume.  Much as I like some programmes I am avoiding them as all the news is downbeat and bad.  That just makes my mood bad too.  

 

A Little Better Sleep Gradually Getting There

 A good night's sleep and up just gone 6 so that is a bit better than it has been.  It's still not quite where it was and my head is still full of rubbish and problems that aren't but I am controlling those now.

The weather doesn't help as it is so hot that physical work really is difficult and sapping so confined to small chores leaves me a little frustrated but accepting this inevitable slow down in activity is a difficult thing to do.  Ageing, retirement, loss of purpose and the like are taking some getting used to for sure.  

I kind of hate it at the moment as you start to lose what you thought made you you if that makes sense?  You have to roll with these I guess?  Difficult as I'd thought I'd recovered from the major changes in my life and here I am again, more changes, things not in my control again too.

Of course, some things are in my control though, it is finding what they are and making the change to those that is necessary.

Life feels unbalanced and I flip flop between being OK with it and not.  My mind is not helping either and even now the pain body and ego are trying to make me miserable which I am fighting.  Knowing this is good I suppose?  They need to be suppressed as much as possible or identified and stopped before they do more damage over imagined problems.

A Short Break With Mixed Results

 So I organised a short break which went OK ish I suppose.  One of the main improvements was my sleep which, after a bit of a wobble to start with, has improved.  I really didn't want to go but we went anyway and after some confusion about what room we were in, we ended up in the room I'd booked (apparently) and there was something that I obviously didn't like about it and I guess it was because it wasn't as bright as the room that we had first gone in because they had lost the key!  It was a little dark and it somehow just slightly freaked me out - but it was OK in the end.

We went out for a meal at the local pub and walked along the coast and so when we arrived back at the Hotel I was a little strange about going to bed but setting a fan up (it's been very hot these past few months), I slept through with just one interruption.  That has continued up until this morning.  Slept through until the alarm went but I'm up early this morning as OH is going out and so 45 minutes earlier than normal and just a few minor interruptions.

It may not seem a lot but it is a result.  Let's hope it continues as it makes a big difference to my state of mind at the moment.  I still had a few anxiety attacks especially on the last day when I heard a few more residents in the Hotel and suddenly I had to get out of the room and go and stand outside for a while.

So I am feeling a lot better for going away for a few days.  Let me see how I progress this week.  Once again though, it is so hot as to make doing anything physical quite difficult.  

I Cannot Be Ars*d To Do What I Know I Should Do

 I suppose retirement allows you not to do something as well as allowing you to just ignore chores!  Sometimes though I just cannot bring myself around to doing what I should do..

It seems the height of laziness but honestly in the heat we've been having it really is too oppressive to work.  

Talking of heat it was really hot yesterday and I took myself on a 45 minutes (each way) walk to get my new glasses.  They are really good but took a lot of getting  used to as my prescription has changed a lot.  It did feel strange walking back with them on.  I really felt it when I got home and needed a long sit down.

Getting used to the glasses was strange, things looked quite different but this morning they lare working a treat.  The bad news is that overnight I have been bitten (again) and this time it is right on my knuckles causing one of my fingers to swell.  I've put some cream on and will take a histamine (or is it anti histamine) and see if that solves the swelling. Being on the knuckle every time you bend your finger it is painful.

That's all for now, we are off for a few days and hopefully it will improve my demeanour.

Not Quite Right - Am I Expecting Anyone To Notice

 Only my OH knows that I'm having these troubles and she was "surprised" this morning when I said I wasn't really feeling great about things as we woke up early from another hot night's sleep.  I think that we are getting accustomed to sleeping during this heatwave but we were up about an hour early. 

Of course I'm dealing with this alone but via this blog and I tell my OH some but not all, holding back in case I let out too much at once.  That's also a problem because there are many things going on but whether or not it is the root cause(s) remains to be seen.  The "thoughts" are so wide and varied as to defy any real logic and I tend to be careful about what I say and when.

My mother sort of gets my changing circumstances but I'm not overloading her with the issues I am trying to address.  Another friend passed away a few days ago and I'm drawn back to the contemplation of mortality too.  

Anyway, it's the grandson's birthday today so we will be having a bit of fun later and I am taking them away for a few days so you may not hear from me for a few days which will hopefully be good for your health too :-) 

Working Through It

 Someone I know (a bit) has posted on Facebook that they've had mental health problems and are diagnosed and receiving treatment etc.  I'm not sure if that would work for me but hey, I do this blog right?  

My problems are a little more temperamental they come and go and I pretty much understand why but I cannot always tackle them in a meaningful way and then they go away and then return and it's all very annoying. I think I need to get out more and I need to build my post retirement life.  There's other stuff too and I am not sure how I tackle that at the moment.  Perhaps a bit of counselling might be the answer whereas anti-depressants I am not so sure about.  I know my father had them and I've only had a very short course 20 years ago when I was going to see the specialist about my suspected Bladder Cancer.  I needed them to get through the door!

I always felt that the aftershocks of the diagnosis and the treatment were a type of PTSD as you are treated for the cancer in a matter of fact way but not for the impact it has on your mind.  Looking way back you can see that it did have an impact and it was quite big I'd say.  I wonder if this is also a recurrence of that?

A View Along The Lane Away From The House

View Towards The Oast Houses And Barns

With My Back Towards The House.  Looking Across the Lane Towards The Fields And Woods

You Never Know What You Will Find.  Here A Seat With A Hole In It And A Hoop Earing

The View Toward The House Across The Sheep Field

Two minutes from my house is this area.  There are similar areas all within Ten minutes and I have been making myself walk out and just be quiet in them.  This is the footpath that leads from the little enclave of houses in our road down to the big field and then through the woods and leads to a farm.  The other is a field of small trees, Oak and the like which you can just walk into along a footpath and just stand in the middle of.  I am trying to do this more often and walk for further each time.  I need to appreciate where I live more.  It is right in the middle of this countryside.  I posted this on Instagram with Sting's Fields of gold playing.  

It's part of feeling better about myself and reconnecting.  This retirement malarkey has got me down for sure.  The house too and it is in my hands to dig my way out and enjoy it whilst I can.

Two Steps Back

 Do you ever feel that?  I was doing well and then out of nowhere, awake at silly O'Clock and whilst I managed to doze a bit my OH got up and was moving about and finally around 5:20 my knee gave me some jip and I got up and came downstairs angry with myself for not trying harder to get back to sleep.

I want to go away for a few days for our grandson's birthday and I've lined it up awaiting agreement this morning and now, I don't want to go.  Silly reasons, I cannot drive at the moment so I am not in control (I guess), the heat overnight but this is on the coast where it is cooler, claustrophobia in a car with no A/C - first world problems eh?  

Yesterday I found out one of my Lodge friends died, just 75 after having been ill for some time.  He had been ill, recovered and suddenly relapsed, bless him.  Additionally 3 of our widows (of members) also passed in the last week!  That hasn't lifted my mood much either.  I go from OK to over thinking in phases and perhaps two or three times a day.  Now, I'm fine, half an hour ago I was in dread and worried.  You know that you cannot worry about something that hasn't happened and when you apply that logic it goes away.

My mind hovers as well, it drops the "I don't want to be here" idea into everyday and I then have to dig my way out of that.  It's just the ego and pain body, I know that but it is so destructive I find.  It's not even real but it takes over and it only needs an unguarded moment and your sleep will not come and the worry and bad thoughts kick in and of course, that's what the pain body wants.  It makes me lethargic in mind and body.  

Try as I might, this hot weather makes it difficult to work outside (and in) much as I think that would help me.  My new glasses cannot come soon enough as I am struggling with my eyesight and I'm not allowed to drive using my old prescription.  It's lucky that I went and got checked out albeit the oncoming cataract doesn't fill me with joy.  I guess it will be what it will be and I'm told it's a routine procedure.  

So there we have it.  The ups and downs of my life as it is at the moment.  Lots of reasons and I just need to work through it all.  Therapy might be a way forward and yet I know that I already know where I am but perhaps getting away from self diagnosis and running a short course might do the trick.  There's a fight going on in my head too that kind of knows what to do but is too damn lazy to do it.  Good versus evil LOL.  

Up Early Again - Last Of The Hot Nights?

 I hope so, sleeping is generally OK again, going to sleep that is, but my knee started playing up at around 5:40 and I had to get up - blowing cold air on your body overnight doesn't agree with it obviously.

I feel slightly as if I have taken a backward step this morning but I can deal with that I think.  The pain body certainly likes to give some jip.  

It is certainly a matter of tackling the negative thoughts and working on the good things. Let's see how the day goes - it is much cooler outside and so that is a start.

A Hot Night - Acclimatised?

 I wonder if we acclimatise to these periods of heat - I don't recollect 1976 doing anything other than going to and from work earlier/later, no A/C on trains and the like.  the summer was hot as you like and I went on holiday with my mates - the first holiday away from my parents.  It was regular to see the tar bubbling on the road but I don't recall it as being unbearable.

Recently the humidity soared and that did make it difficult whereas overnight I set the evaporation cooler up and let it do its thing on its lowest settings but added the ice packs to the reservoir. Apart from my knee which was giving me jip at around 5 all was OK.  So I wonder if you just get used to it.  As always, our elders and betters interference means our houses are fit for winter but not for summer.  Is there anything these arsehole politicians do that is good?  They interfere with our lives and remind me of my old bosses who would come up with great ideas that we'd suggest actually weren't, implement them and wonder why production fell off a cliff almost overnight!  

Talking of politicians, this new bloke looks paper thin on practical policies and whilst they may have ideas on moving forward, if you haven't sorted out the foundations then you are going to have a fall.  A massive house of cards, nothing is really cohesive and the damage is being done as the smart money moves out of the country and once gone they may not return.  If you've got the money then you can move around to suit.  The politics of envy and the increasing tax burdens and the Laffer Curve are well known but not by Socialist and Liberals who think higher taxes will solve everything despite all the data and evidence showing that they don't! 

Some of the chancers we have coming into high office must make us a laughing stock on the world stage.  Uneducated, unaware of their own brief, dyed hair, confused about how many "genders" there are and whether a man is a woman and vice versa leads to concern that the patients have taken over running the asylum.  From what I have seen this past 2 weeks, this bloke hasn't a clue and looks weak on the world stage, he's doing as much damage as Rachel (from Accounts) Reeves did with all the conjecture and misinformation wiping millions off the economy from saying the wrong things and the wrong time. The markets are moving and rightly so.  All I can do is the normal of grabbing the popcorn and settling back to watch this latest disaster movie, one made without CGI or AI involvement :-)

These Changes In Mood Are Tiresome

 To say these moods are tiresome probably underestimates the last year and the last few months I'd say.  The problem is that you can look back and wonder what caused the problem in the first place and what happened to change it back?

Don't get me wrong though, I am still not through this but it is getting easier to deal with it and to control (for now).  I slept well last night despite it being another very hot humid night.  I woke near 6 and managed to get a further 1 hour 30 after the customary trip to the bathroom.

Some thought came into my head but I actually changed my thought to something nice and that banished the dodgy thoughts altogether.  Having my grandson for the past 4 days was a little "testing" but he's not really that much trouble and he turns 7 next week.  

Back to tiresome and the frustration is that this has evaporated away and all the pain and anguish it caused disappear along with it but they were there.  They aren't real either, the thoughts aren't real as they are all in your head and you cannot do anything about them anyway.  I cannot stop getting old for example nor can I fight that process or do anything about it - other than the usual mitigating things, keeping well and fit etc.  I wanted, or rather I went through the process of thinking about leaving it all, walking away, having done with it, not wanting to be left on this earth and that set of thoughts were there but treated as part of an analysis whiteboard mindmap if you will. I've been there before, first real love affair ending, cancer diagnosis, divorce and now.  None of these things are actually that bad or bad enough to even momentarily consider that course of action.

The current situation and the utter baggage it brings along need to be dealt with - the claustrophobia perhaps more so than other things.  I'm back to where I was deciding to leave my Ex some 15 years ago.  My mind is planning, plotting, analysing, testing, what-if scenario building and tearing down.  It's all to do with my future and suddenly losing the "purpose" of my life which was work and business and it has left a gaping hole.  That hole is very dark and I cannot see what is in it and so the certainty that an INTJ thrives on is of no use to me at the moment to work out what to do.  

What has happened is that the initial (Kubler Ross type) things are happening:

Shock / Denial: Initial disbelief, numbness, or refusal to believe the change is happening.

Anger / Frustration: Annoyed or resentful feelings as reality sets in, often blaming leadership or the situation.

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or find trade-offs to avoid the full impact or return to the past.

Depression / Low Mood: A low point of sadness, confusion, and lowered motivation or performance.

Acceptance / Integration: Coming to terms with the new reality, testing new behaviours, and moving forward constructively

So I'm at the last phase now and it's been ugly and nasty going through the previous phases.  The bad news being that you can slip back at anytime into the former phases.  I used to "Manage Change" as it was my job.  I find, like a lot of people, that I managed massive global projects and know about all this but cannot turn it around to manage myself.  

Physician heal thyself comes to mind.  

Actually Woken By The Alarm

 Sleep seems to be returning to 'normal' and the head full of thoughts is so much better as those thoughts are distant things.  It is annoying that they were there in the first place.

The heat has returned and so for a day or two it will be limiting what I want to do outside and so I'll just have to limit activity for a while.  Good thing with these insect bites which are nasty, itchy things.  Histamines and cream to the rescue for a little bit of respite I guess.

Things feel a lot better and I am calmer for now which is also good.  Long may that continue. 

Dawn's Early Light

 Well, that was good, I slept through until 5:45 no interruptions, no head stuff and as I needed to be up early anyway (I was around 20 minutes before my target waking time) it all worked out well.  That's great and it really is a step in the right direction knowing it can be done.

Now to build on that going forward.  Grandson will be here shortly and another day of having him here will begin.  The weekend was "disruptive" I guess you'd say but in a nice way.  I wish they'd tell me in advance though.

Oh well let's see how we get on.  A week ago I was at my mum's and getting ready to go to the local children's petting farm.  A great day out BTW with her grandchildren and great grandchildren (my daughter, son-in-law and her children).  

OK, on with my day......

Early Mornings

 I ended up sleeping downstairs in my chair (I bought it 20 years ago as a recovery aid) as my grandson announced he wanted to sleep upstairs not downstairs and so that's how we arranged it.  It was OK, I only woke twice and somewhere there's a Mosquito that announced itself on both occasions and just now when I woke up.  That was around 5:30 as someone rode their Horse past the house.

It's now around 6:30 about an hour on and whilst I am certain that I dozed after the horse event it is lighter and so time to get up and treat the couple of bites on my neck and elbow!   I like seeing my grandson but announcing at tea time that he is staying over is annoying and the to lose my bed in the process is annoying but I could see he didn't want to sleep downstairs and he asked nicely.  It isn't that but the lack of asking me first that is upsetting and I need to have words.  If I know, then I can deal with it.

Coming to terms with my change in eye sight is next on my agenda - the difference is marked and I was pretty disturbed to see I could barely see anything without the new prescription in one eye.  They've both changed markedly but some age related stuff including the Cataract on its way but so far no Macular Degeneration at this time.  I am taking Lutein & Zeaxanthin with BioPerine (Black Pepper) supplement for my eyes.  

I imagine that I will have to adjust to these glasses a lot as the prescription shows a large change and I know how bad my eyesight is now and the correction will take some getting used to!

Retirement - No Plan - No Purpose - And Me A Programme Manager!

 It's hard to take for me, that the one thing during all that hard work and anguish with the business was I didn't plan to be retired - I wasn't expecting it at all as I thought I'd still be working and could work out an Exit Plan and then retire.

Little did I know how quickly things would come to a head and I was so busy doing all that was needed that it passed me by how busy I was working on it and how suddenly everything changed.

Twenty years ago, things changed in a flash, I went from being a 'normal' person working away, finally in my dream job and along came Bladder Cancer to disrupt that.  The ripples of that disruption exist to today.  I should know I suppose, but who has plans that would have predicted that?  

So I am wobbling through this period of my life and making the best of a bad job really.  Rudderless and blown this way and that by the winds is not a place I like to be.  My hobbies, such as they were, are not really of any interest at the moment.  I have "things" that just lie around and need to go.  Lots of IT equipment that in reality isn't needed anymore and I need to just get rid of.  It's a little too hot to work on all of that although I have done a little bit and sold some bits.  The other stuff can wait until I commit to documenting and selling it.

Additionally with my eyesight now requiring correcting it's best to wait until my new spectacles arrive and I get used to them, the change is quite noticeable and the cataract that has caused it will need to be addressed at some point in time too.

At least I am sleeping a bit better, my mind is a lot emptier and I intend to work on my health and my head in particular.  I don't want to fear growing old but seeing my mother at age 89 struggling with her mobility is a concern.  Oh well, at least I am not feeling anywhere near as bad as I did so I'm out of the morbid state and I hope climbing out of that trough I was in.  I really do not want to go back and re-visit it, it was a nasty, dark and frightening place for sure.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today

 It was twenty years ago today,
Sergeant Pepper taught the band to play.
They’ve been going in and out of style,
But they’re guaranteed to raise a smile.
So may I introduce to you the act you’ve known for all these years?
Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.

Well not quite.  It was on a very hot day that I went with my then wife to the Hospital to have the operation that probably saved my life.  Diagnosed on the Friday I was on the list on Monday and I went to the hospital and waited almost all day until they got me in.  Nil By Mouth and I was a bit dehydrated by the time they finally saw me.

People tell you how hot it is at the moment but it was just as hot and they (my wife and family) brought in a fan from home to blow over me as I was recovering from the operation.  Trapped in bed wired up was not pleasant especially as they built the hospital without AC!  Anyway, 20 years already, it hardly seems believable.

In other news, I've been noticing something strange with my eyesight for perhaps 3 or 4 months I guess but becoming noticeable over the last 4 weeks.  I managed to get to my optician as they had a spare appointment and blow me down, my vision has changed massively in the 18 months since I was last there.  The biggest change in all the years and I'm barely at the legal limit for driving!!!  So I won't be doing that until I get my new glasses which, apparently, will be quite a change as I now have long and nearsightedness.  I'll be looking it up shortly to see what that all means other than it is a massive shift.  A cataract is forming too.  The joys of getting old.

I'll have to monitor all of that then!

Anyway the main thing is that Bladder Cancer, in my case caught early albeit borderline late is survivable and is treatable.  Glad to still be here :-) 

A Less Heavy, Clear Mind

 Despite the fact that my mum is visibly looking older and struggling with her legs, her knees in particular which upset me greatly, it should come as a bit of a surprise that my mind was a lot clearer yesterday and this morning.  I managed to sleep reasonably well but was disturbed at 6 by OH and so I got up and came downstairs.

The heaviness in my head is almost gone and it somehow feels clear again.  Sure the thoughts are there but I think I can deal with them.  It's been a struggle I have to say but as long as I identify the bad thoughts and deal with them as soon as they arise then that's something.

I have a mixture of "problems" and so I intend to work on them as best I can.  Health and fitness need to be part of the approach as I notice that I am not eating properly which means I'm out of condition too and part of me feels old and worn out so I need to look after myself and to take care of my physical and mental well-being.  

The heat has subsided and so that allows me to get out and do some work which also means that I can 'get things done' which again should help.

I'm left with two impressions after returning from my mum's and that's I need to just start to adjust to being old but not turning into someone old (doesn't make sense I know) and that I need to treasure each day and get out of this current rut and don't slip back.  Easier said than done.

So it is also a bad time of year of course.  It will be 20 years tomorrow that my first Bladder Cancer operation will have happened.  Interesting journey since.  

Mixed Emotions - Strange Times

 So I was at my mum's and on the first night her wheelchair arrived and it's got a joy stick control - it's a mid level model I guess.  Mum's never used a joystick before so was over compensating when steering!  She then hit the go faster button and went off the edge of the pavement and dropped to the road from the curb stone but I was there and sorted that out - she then over did the camber at the drop curb and speedded up rather than just letting go of the joystick.  So going to the farm the next day she only used the wheel chair as a support to wheel around in but I got her to drive from the car park at her place to her room. 

She has very low confidence and "can't do it" and "it's too sensitive" and so hopefully she will get the hang of it - surely it is more difficult than the mobility scooter which, once again she was frightened to use in case she damaged anything!  

I found her much worse than before and her standing and walking are really impaired albeit we did manage to get around at the Farm and at the Shops but it took some convincing.  The trouble is her legs want to give way (at the knees) not when she is standing upright but as she tries to put on shoes or get up to her walking frame.

So I was very upset when I saw this but my grand children, my daughter and son-in-law were up for a few days which was great as the got to see their great grandmother and she got to see one of her grandchildren and her great grandchildren too so spirits lifted on two days with that.

Me?  Mixed emotions as I thought I'd be in bits when I got home but actually I'm OK, worryingly so, steady, no head noise and feeling settled about it for now.  Long may that continue.  I think though I have a long way to go as I am seriously worried about my mother and have given her instructions to discuss this knee weakness with the Doctor and team - I think a brace would do the trick as she is (they think) too old for a replacement knee (s) which is probably what she needs! 

Let us see how things go I suppose. 

Slightly Better Night

 I managed to mostly clear my mind but then had to get up as my OH heard rustlings outside so armed with a torch I went and checked.  Probably just a roosting bird or something in the hedgerow.  I managed to get to sleep OK and woke twice but managed to go back to sleep or enter that sleep where you think you've been awake a long time but you were more than likely asleep.  Anyway, here we are. 

The "thoughts" are with me and I need to deal with them somehow albeit they aren't as bad as they were, it is still noticeable that I now find myself dipping into this depressed state a couple of times a day and I need to deal with that.  Doing something seems to help but this oppressive heat does make it difficult although I did put up the flower arches yesterday but the ground is like a rock - anyway hopefully they'll settle in and we can grow some climbers up and over them.

I think I am still affected by the closure of the business and I checked that the Notice has been published in the Gazette which it has.  It still affects me how I was treated and there's a sort of background fear that it might all kick off again although what that might be about I have no idea as I have returned all the IP to him anyway.  It plays on my mind.

The weight of the world does too but I can do little about that but my mind hasn't worked out that I have little power to change or influence these things and it is going to have to take its course and it will be what it will be.  All the doom and gloom peddled by the MSM is bad enough and they want you to pay for it too!

Off to my mum's for a few days so hopefully a few days away will ease my spirits - I do hope so.

I suppose that I am a bit better than I was a few weeks ago, it's taking its time to heal - hopefully with the weather calming down a bit I'll be able to do some tidying up and some outside projects, get a few walks in and gradually improve my head space. 

Sleep - The Struggle To Dismiss Those Thoughts

 On reflection, sleep, even in these sticky high temperatures, is OK.  I serviced the cooling (evaporation) fan and it does its work well.  I'm getting about 7 hours sleep with perhaps 2 wakes during the night.  Those two are generally fine and I can just go back to sleep most of the time.  It's the waking around 5:45 to 6 that is proving difficult at the Cortisol kicks in and so I just get up and come down stairs, perhaps write this blog or wander around or sit and I can normally close my eyes and just let my mind go blank - not sure why I cannot do that in bed.

It is a little better at the moment as I am controlling the dark thoughts and getting on with things.  It is still way too hot to do any meaningful work though. As I understand it, the temperature from today is dropping to manageable levels.  Let's hope so.  I like it warm but the past few weeks and the previous heat waves have been exhausting.

These thoughts are problematic and to do with (I think) arriving in the world of retirement without a plan to be here.  My poor old INTJ brain really hadn't contemplated I'd be retired for at least another year and so this is all a bit of a shock to me.  My hobbies, such as they were, included playing Golf but I stopped that over 30 years ago wen my children were born.  I was never much of a one for exercise but I used to do a lot of walking and I need to get back to that but not in this heat.  I was heavily involved in a charity and enjoyed that but it was work work not a hobby.  

I enjoy genealogy and F! motor racing yet even that is having the shine taken off.  So there's nothing there at the moment. I no longer have the business to occupy my time and the weather has stopped me organizing the garage space and tackling the garden area.  

So there's empty space in my head and in my days and it is filled with awful thoughts and whilst I can catch those and control them eventually, they do mess with my equilibrium.  Mood swings and dark periods, stress, anger, close to tears sometimes too.  It's all a dark place not helped by the news, the politicians seemingly driving us over a cliff ruled by ideology rather than what's good for the people that put them in power.  That's going to end badly but nothing I can do so my 'control' is affected by seeing what's coming and being powerless to do much about it.

There's some light as I am managing 7 hours sleep a bit less than I am used to but can take the odd nap to catch up if needed.  It's the overcoming of the thoughts and working on my inner calm, my breathing, and trying to stop the thoughts which I know are causing this.  When I work on this and impose "The Now" I can have a good calm time.  It needs to last longer and I need to catch myself getting stressed and going down the dark hole earlier so I can overcome it.

I am better than I was a few weeks back and better than a few days back so the change in weather and the opportunities that will bring will be good.

I am off for a few days to see my mum and the grandchildren and my daughter and her husband will be around for a few days which will be excellent.   I am sure my spirits will lift being with them

Adjustment - Retirement - Purpose

 I am certainly struggling at the moment, no doubt about it and a lot has to do with having no plan or idea where I go from here.  My daughter is on a world trip taking a year out of work and good on her.  Suddenly I am left without the job/project/business and boom!  Retirement and I just never planned for it, it has arrived a bit earlier than I expected and whilst I had an exit plan for the business, it didn't include retirement planning as such.

Life is very strange at the moment for sure as I come to terms with stuff I hadn't realised was there and what to do with myself.  I've a list of chores a mile long but the weather has been oppressive and not conducive to the list of house maintenance projects.  

With a head full of negative thoughts, death, getting old and all sorts of destructive thoughts going on I am struggling to hold it all together but not all the time.  Yesterday was a chaos day and in between we went out to lunch (interrupted by a late delivery I had to rush back for) and I felt OK when we got back from that - I' interacted with people and so that was good.  Anyway there you have it.  I am away at the weekend up to see my mum, daughter, son-in-law and the grand-kids which will be great as my mum gets to see her great grandchildren.  I hope that will lift my spirits.

Having said that seeing my mum approaching her 90th year takes a toll on me as she slows down and needs time to get anywhere.

Up Early Again - Thoughts Creep In

 It is annoying that I managed to get back to sleep but then I woke up and could only fitfully sleep.  Counting backwards did help but these silly thoughts kept arising and that is what they are, silly and I just need to work on that.

Out today so perhaps that might help?  

The Weight Of The World

 Is the world a more dangerous and frightening place?  Is it worse now than it was when I was younger?  Well, yes and no.  I have time to reflect on the barrage of information both true, false, made up, downright propaganda and so on.  I probably took little notice when I was younger but recall only really Saturday and Sunday picking up a newspaper and reading it cover to cover.

Weekends were busy with working on the house and garden and doing all the things that were needed.  Now, not so much as retirement brings the weekend every day!

It matters to me all the ills and woes in the world, the utter stupidity and hypocrisy and the varied nonsense you read and listen to.  Things that make me angry include the loss of our impartiality and fairness our sense of good manners and fair play.  They've gone and then there's the utter blind reliance on "science" excess deaths in the heatwave were caused by, climate change, of course they were!  When the climate actually changes you'll know about it and weather variability, which is what this is, isn't to do with carbon FFS they don't even know what "carbon" they are talking about and that is where it all goes horribly wrong as they knee jerk changes in the name of the great God Carbon and not adapt to it, if indeed the 400 parts per million of CO2 has any direct affect on it.  They tell you  "The Oceans are boiling" have you ever seen that happening?  Given around 90% of planet is water what science have you got for that.  It has a lot to do with the climate but really, boiling??

Anyway this post is about how all this stuff drags me down and the continuous negative news and views is eating away at me so I have to give it up and do other things that isolate me from this constant day on day onslaught of bad news.  

The trouble is, it makes me lethargic and just makes it difficult to do anything useful.  The heat doesn't help and is a good excuse not to exert myself.  It's a difficult head fight at the moment as I think I know what the problem is but it is more than that it is the move from having an interest and a business to not having that anymore.  No purpose, nothing to look forward to (or moan about) and a future that doesn't show a blank canvas to me rather than age and death and that's not right.  

Enjoying my retirement is actually not at all enjoyable at the moment.  I need to get a grip on it and reset things.  It cannot go on like this and in little patches it doesn't.  I enjoyed going to my granddaughter's party yesterday but it was short-lived.  

It is a case of working through this stage, not easy I have to say but I am determined to do it.  

Here We Are, It's Monday Again

 Monday again, no work to go too and it's hot as you like still but nowhere near the heat of last week.  A reasonable night's sleep with just the two interruptions although not sure what the 3:40 awakening was about but it did give me the high speed thoughts about anything and everything but I managed to stop them and awoke just 10 minutes before the alarm.

I hope to go to see my mother in a weeks time - planning today to see if that can happen.  My daughter and the grand-kids will be going up to see her so I can tag along with that and save them transporting her from her flat to the farm where they like to go.

I just hope it isn't as hot wherever I am staying!  

Bonkers Day - Typical For Me Though

 My delivery did not arrive on Friday so I arranged to have it delivered Tuesday as I was going out on Saturday.  It was my granddaughter's birthday party and so I got myself all organized and cleaned the windscreen on my car and set off.  Well that was until I noticed that the butcher said they were on their way so I called and left a message stating that we had already agreed to deliver Tuesday.  With me so far?

I decided to set off a little earlier than planned and so left the house at 9:10 or thereabouts.   The Butcher arrived at 9:16!!!  Had I stayed behind and not set off I'd have my food and you never know I might have noticed something significant too......  The party is today not yesterday so I had driven all the way to the party location and hour away and wondered why it was not that busy there.  Interesting couple of hours driving which I will need to repeat shortly. 

As for the Butcher a few tetchy emails later and we are back on track for a Tuesday delivery rather than me having to go and collect it.

It was slightly less warm overnight and I managed to sleep until 6:45 so not too bad.  Still got these thoughts in my head but I am managing them.  They sweep in and out of my day and night and as long as I can identify them, I can control them a bit but it isn't easy.  Better than last week and gradually improving - working on it.  

Early Rising - It's All In Your Head Mr. Tweedy

 Chicken Run, a brilliant film and poor old Mr. Tweedy, the farmer, nagged by his wife and harassed by the Chickens.  His wife tells him "It's all in your head!" yet we know that the Chickens really are up to something.

My current problems are all in my head so to speak and with this heatwave making doing anything uncomfortable it doesn't help that my head is Catastrophising things going on around me.  Everywhere does appear gloom and doom and once again I find myself reflecting on such things.  The state of the economy and what on Earth these losers are going to come up with next and just the state of the world at the moment but I cannot fix them and worrying about them probably isn't helping either.

I was up early again this morning not massively so but just before 6 but it was a hot night again and suddenly I was awake.  We'd had some locals disturb us as they sat out and were being overly loud in conversation - it is surprising how far noise travels at night in the country but I don't imagine they realised.

Things play in my head and that needs to stop.  It used to happen many years ago and I got rid of it, just one night and I cleared all my past which was haunting me and I stopped all the analysis and self doubt.  In a way, that's back now but nowhere near as severe as before.  It's just unsettling and it isn't particularly good for me, I know.  So I am going to work on that and try to detach myself from social media as well as unsubscribing to all these emails.

I am going to have to work on it and sort it out.  

No Wonder There's Problems

 I am trying to give up my phone and PC/Tablet and switch my attention away.  It is only when you realise the way that your attention is being sought all the time that you realise how, for example, ADHD and similar problems manifest themselves.

My phone goes 'bing' and I look at the little screen to see what it is? It commands my attention and requires my feedback and interaction.   My emails demand attention and action (or do they) and I find myself using phone and PC to get things done but there is little or no substance to those things.

So I've been working slowly, to unsubscribe from emails - I think that it will help.  I try to (and fail miserably) to look at Facebook only once a day - this needs more practice as does glancing at Instagram albeit that might be the only way I might know where one of my daughters is in the world and what she might be up to.  She's on a year out going around the world bless her.

It's been hot by any standards and I managed to sleep with one (possibly two) interruptions overnight and slept past 7.  I have an early morning delivery arriving so I needed to be up but 7 is great.  I cleaned the air cooler which has meant it operates better and it certainly did work better as all the filters and the evaporation screen were cleaned out.  It is going to be a hot day again today and it really precludes me from sitting here doing anything on the PC.  It is too hot to do anything in the garden and so there's been a lot of sitting around doing little - that has and hasn't helped my head space.

I am feeling a lot better but my head drifts in and out of strange places - without over doing it I didn't want to be here (no not the suicide question for you SAMS out there) but I wasn't certain where I wanted to be.  I am still having the death and getting old stuff and it's because my purpose disappeared and I wasn't ready for it.  I had a plan if the business was successful and one if it wasn't which it turned out to be and there problem was that I'd got the exit plan sorted out and there was suddenly a vacuum in my day to day life and purpose and unlike me, I hadn't given any thought to the missing part.  I say unlike me as I am usually well planned but of course, this is now about me, not someone else or anything else and I didn't think that this would be something I'd need to consider as it is emotional and people orientated and as an INTJ I swear I'm more Vulcan than human :-) 

Another restful day with deliveries of food incoming and time to try and reflect on the good side of retirement.

That Was Hot One!

It feels like the hottest day this week already.  I got up at 5:45 mainly as I'd managed to make my hand numb by lying on it awkwardly and something woke me from outside the house.  A car, lorry or sheep/ As I say that the Dustmen have just arrived so it might be the previous ones who do the food caddy :-)

So I'm just working out how to get cool and sort myself out for today - it is so warm here in my office that I will probably end up elsewhere in the house or in the shade outside seeking relief.  It's a sit it out day today for sure.

But at least, I am not sitting in the strange head space I was in last week and indeed for many weeks.  There's a little going on in there but not as bad, not as self-destructive I'd say.  Without wishing my life away it will be good when the weather breaks a bit and I can get on and do some work or make some plans that don't involve keeping cool, making and using ice and running fans most of the day!

Despite The Heat - I Managed A Good Night

 Progress of sorts and that's something I suppose.  I asked for Crossword and Puzzle books for my Birthday and an Adult Colouring Book and that's to allow me to unwind and concentrate on something else rather than my head space.  It has been ridiculously hot in the late 20s early 30s but without the humidity which feels more bearable.  My chiller has been working overtime and it does the job allowing us to sleep under our pitched roof bedroom.

In many ways things are very gradually getting better.  The business cessation and dissolution is under way and the letters should arrive latest today to the shareholders.  They have the right to object once the notice has been published but quite what they can object to is a moot point as all the Statutory duties required of the business have been followed.

There's one potential objection that can be made but he would have to prove his assertion and no paperwork exists to back it up in fact I have paperwork that refutes it.  

Anyway, given that this is now underway and should be over in a few months, I doubt that there can be anything to hold it up but I've been wrong before and when people act out of emotion rather than logic these things can arise and it is one of the worries I am dealing with but of course it hasn't happened and so I need to check my fearful egoistic brain on that, which, as most of you realise, is the biggest part of my current and past problems!  

Coming to terms with retirement is taking a while longer than I expected I have to say.  I hadn't planned that the business would crash dive quite the way it did, or so quickly but I did everything I could to sort it out.  Anyway, the bottom line of it is that I was expecting to be doing a couple of hours a day and then do "retirement stuff" I just hadn't worked out what that "stuff" comprised of!

It is not going to be an overnight thing either, I need to spend a little time working out what it might be.  I'm living through the shock (we'll call it) of staring at the last phase of my life and I don't like it at all.  It isn't what I expected and I haven't come to terms with it.  That's my assessment of where I am right now.  I am trying to figure out life's new meaning and I am failing miserably at that.  I will get there by my usual dogged manner.  For the moment it is eluding me and there's a lot of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) clouding my judgement, what little there is left of the old INTJ Manager me.  Logic seems to have walked out and taken a break for the moment, perhaps it will return when I ground myself as I go forward.

At least I am sleeping a little better and I am not having so many bad and vicious thoughts.  Slow and very gradual progress though.   

A Different Dawn

 Up around 20 minutes earlier than normal pleasantly surprised considering how hot it was overnight.  My cooler was on low all night which must have helped - it's hot already this morning and going to go over 30C today again.  It's not so humid so that's good (I guess)?

I felt much better and was able to get up, prep breakfast for us and so I am pleased with that.  It makes a big difference and I feel better in myself and it's nice not to have the head sh1t going on.  

I am not sure what it might be but perhaps because the shareholder letters went out yesterday and are on their way and so that's a weight off and I sat down and did some art based activities in the afternoon - it was far too hot to do much else and that calmed me down too.  I even watched a bit of football last night which I rarely do just to do something. 

Thankfully I don't have problems going to sleep and last night getting up and going back to sleep.  I often struggle to go back to sleep as my senses get heightened and then the thoughts flood in.  I can manage that with some breathing and backwards counting that seems to work.

So maybe the end of the business, now official, now informed to all shareholders is kicked off.  I suppose he can object although I am not sure whether he can do anything about it.  His assertions that his investment is a loan would have to be argued with Companies House (not me) and I've already put on record the business' position on this.  So that's all that can really put the fly in the ointment I guess.  Let's wait and see - this is the only thing that's left really and I suppose it all depends on how vindictive he feels.  Hopefully now I've returned everything to him he will go away?  It still plays on my mind how nasty he has been and I imagine that is part of my current head wobble.

Anyway, take each day as it comes and today is a much better day than the past weeks so that's a bonus.  Let's hope I can build on that. 

Early Again - Not Too Bad Despite

 Hearing of two acquaintance's prognoses.  One is a bit of a shocker as it's now "manage" the outcome, the other is in Hospital and it's not looking good.  

I am up early about 5:30 and I'm not sure what woke me up really?  I was awake earlier than that but drifted back to sleep once I'd calmed my mind down a bit so I'm up 2 hours earlier than planned but it is warm again, perhaps late teens and sleeping isn't that comfortable.

I have to say though that my head is clear writing this and that's great, I enjoyed a day of motor racing yesterday and I didn't stay up for the England Vs Mexico match that kicked off around 1 am. I see we won and maybe that woke me though I doubt it, I don't really do football as such.

I hope that I can continue to work my way through this awful patch and get myself back on an even keel.  The letters to shareholders should have gone out on Saturday but the postman didn't bring the label and it was only that I caught him that I'd have even found out about it.  Hopefully today that will be sorted and the whole of that episode, close to 10 years will come to an end unless, I suppose, the bloke who kicked off wants to somehow kick off again although I am not sure how he can?  Mind you people aren't logical when it comes to being vindictive.

There's this strange thing of getting rid of the baggage that I have and working on where I go next and what I do.  I do feel that there is a whole area I need to work on as this retirement living was never planned or thought about, it just happened and that's a shock and a barrier to work through.  My "purpose" has gone and I need to adjust to this situation - I am just not doing that as fast as I wanted to really.

Fluctuating Moods Swings

 Up just gone 6 with just 2 overnight wakes.  It's warm again and the chiller fan is on which helps.  Strange dreams but not overly so - not disturbing but I wonder who the lady was I met as she was interesting and darkly mysterious :-)

I digress though.  My birthday was OK and the British Grand Prix was live so there was plenty to do.  I want to work out what is going on but the swings between how I feel are confusing I suppose, in that I cannot make sense of what is happening anyway let alone when I am alright one minute and almost in tears the next.  

As I type now I am OK but aware that I am not quite right.  There's a lingering under the surface anxiety that tests my thoughts and limits my actions.  It really is annoying that I cannot break away from it.

Well, It's My Birthday

 I don't want to celebrate or do anything and I still have this heavy heart, anxiety about me and I don't seem to be able to shake it off at the moment but I must somehow do that and move on.

The business was finally wound up yesterday and the letters are going out today.  I suppose someone could object but it would be pretty pointless to do so.  The accounts are in order, the proper process has been followed and so perhaps that is something that I can now forget but it plays on my mind and so is one of the areas that should fade away with time.

I need to do something to work through all of this - I know a lot is in my head and I just cannot clear it at the moment.  I'll have to try and work out how I deal with it.  I'm thinking one of the ways is to walk away from social media and all the things I am subscribed to.  They do nothing for my well being. 

 

Again - Not Too Bad This Morning

 Life is still presenting some sort of head conflict and I'm working on it.  Woke twice overnight, it was a slightly warm one - I hadn't cooled the room properly before bedtime but I fell asleep fast and got up after 6:15 so that's better than a few weeks ago.

I've halted drinking (beer) and I feel a bit better for that too.  It hasn't been long but it is enough and so fizzy water seems to suffice.  I do miss beer though, a lifetime of it, and so I provide my circular arguments that I can handle it well knowing that just the one or two a day probably isn't "handling it"

When you know that the stuff in your head isn't real and that it is all manufactured to get your attention to make you sad, to upset you and you let it, you do feel let down that you cannot handle the current situation.  I'm sad and annoyed, tetchy (sometimes) and cannot express myself.  I'm tearful some of the time but not all of the time and I suppose I can go on about the 20 year anniversary of finding the Bladder Cancer but that is just part of it.  

I suppose losing my "purpose" is having an effect.  That which kept me getting up, coming into the office here and working is gone never to come back.  So what's the purpose?  I lapsed my hobbies over the years and that too is a problem I find in that I have little to do now.  Maybe that's also an issue to deal with or find things to do.

Some people say that they have no time now that they are retired and I find that I don't have that, I don't have projects to deal with or rather I do but I cannot always focus on doing them.  Things seem stacked up against me when they probably aren't.  In this hot weather (3rd heatwave incoming) I have to say that I don't feel like doing that much for sure.  Enthusiasm sits and rests at the list of things I need to do.  I am gradually going through selling off all the stuff that just sits around doing nothing.  Stuff that has sat in boxes since we moved with no purpose and not being used.

That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Not for the sentimental purpose but because I start something and don't really follow through with it.  I need to work on getting things done and achieving them but that too is proving difficult.  

So stuck in a bit of a no man's land still and it's the anniversary of my Father's death today.  July has always been awful in those terms.  Mum's birthday, my presenting with Bladder Cancer, Dad's death, my birthday all in the first 4 days and there were a couple of other things too that happened in these 4 days that I cannot recall what they were - I think some sort of problem or death etc!  

But, I shouldn't dwell on those I guess?  No, I should get on with living my pensioner retired life and just enjoy it without the dread of getting old.  It is without doubt a change in life that I had not envisaged nor had I even thought could be a problem, I had not planned for it and with the close of the business (that is finalising in the next few days) my current purpose disappeared.  The hours a day I'd spent over the past 9 years no longer exist and that activity got me up out of bed and "doing things" and it's gone in a flash.

I liked the analogy that your life is like a river and it is flowing strongly from its origins and as you work through your young and middle age and then it reaches a canyon and the narrows chop up the water making it froth and angry and then after going through that the river becomes wide and still and gentle.  I'm in the narrows and need to get through to the other side.