Early Rising - Habit Forming

 I had an excuse as Grandson is on an inset day (we used to call it a Baker Day) and so he arrives early.  I was awake and so 5:40 didn't seem too bad I'd normally be up at 6 anyway for him coming.

I have no idea what I have done to my knee but it needed Deep Heat on it this morning and I've now taken off the brace and it feels sort of OK.  It happens occasionally, a cricket accident from 30+ years ago!  both knees but it is infrequent.  The heat has died down a bit now and whilst I still ran the cooler overnight hopefully that can be turned down or off if the temperature drops a bit more.  It is much nicer now - warm but without the humid hit that we seem to get in the UK.  

I have some things to do which will occupy me for a few days now.  These are mainly accounts and they can be completed and be sent off for auditing.  I've got other things to do as well and so I am feeling OK and not so lost.  Tomorrow can be an accounts sort of day and I can clear up my own accounts and those of the Lodge in one hit.

I hope that I can end the habit of early rising though.  I find it difficult to sleep still and so I just need to get away from the habit and away from my mind wanting to nag me all the time.  Knowing that my mind is commenting all the time is part of the trick but the ultimate thing is to make it stop.  That is the most difficult part of it all.  Ignoring the babble and nonsense arising and dismissing it and not joining in with it's narcissistic pain body self talk.  Easier said that done but I am trying. 

Up Early Again

 Well that was strange as I woke early (twice) and got back to sleep albeit it didn't feel like I did the second time.  My OH was awake and so I sat up and the dark thoughts came and the tearful feeling and sadness too.  So I got up and I am here at 6 am,  I suppose that's not so bad.

The heat is subsiding now which is OK I suppose and means that sleep isn't as fitful as it has been.  I could certainly do without the nagging head stuff for sure.

A combination of many things and based around retirement and loss of purpose, seeing my mum ageing and all that combined.  I'd like to move on from it all but that is proving a little difficult.

It's really too hot to do much outside - I managed to shore up the gates and sort out the braces and uprights where they'd started to come apart.  It feels good to accomplish things but in this weather it really is difficult to do anything too exerting. Hopefully the weather will break and we can get rid of the high temperatures, humidity and Saharan sand! 

What's to be done?  I don't know really.  I am a lot better than I was last week and these thought bombs only come in short waves but they are powerful and upsetting.  When you consider that it is you own brain doing this to you - you'd have thought it was an easy fix but it isn't.  Trying to counter argue yourself is also a bit strange.   After a while you can just disappear the thoughts and I just need to work hard on doing that.  

Controlling My Thoughts

 It's been a bad week all in all.  I'm better than I was this time last week and the disturbed nights are lessening as the temperature cools down now.  It's been very warm and so sleeping is difficult to say the least.

Up again early this morning and whilst I still have the thoughts on and off, I recognise what they are and control them.  It is destructive though and takes work to understand what is happening and then do something about it.

I spoke to my financial guy and all is well really - I can't complain and if I did, no one would listen LOL. But we did speak about coming to terms with retirement and that is indeed difficult, at least for me.  When your purpose has been about doing things for other people most of your life taking time for yourself becomes difficult and so a new way of living needs to be examined and it doesn't happen overnight - I just hadn't planned it and of course, for someone who has always planned it came as a shock.  I didn't realise that I'd be retired (even though drawing a pension etc) until a month or two back when I took the decision to shut down the business.  In many ways, it wasn't a slow process to do.  No sales = no business = shut it down.  There's no bills to pay (ish) and you just wrap it up, job done.  In the next few weeks the paperwork will go in and that's kind of that.  I'll then just grab the files stick them in a box and write a do not destroy until (7 years later) and move on.

It was the sudden shift from doing what I've always done to doing nothing that was the jolt.  At least I know what it is and can move on from there.

I Guess It Is OK Not To Do Things

It's hot for sure and I will not be getting into my car to do the little bit of fuse replacement I need to - blown 12 Volt outlet in the console - It's an easy enough fix but, at 27 C not so much :-) Likewise, I really could do with doing some garden chores but once again, it is that hot as to not be comfortable either.  So I will not actually do anything involving physical work today.  I now have the gates (the infamous bloody gates) to do a small repair on as I notice two of the bracing timbers are coming away from their supports!  Great - so parts ordered and another thing on the list to do.

But it's OK not to do things now.  I'm retired and so it can wait as I have all the time now.  When I worked it may have meant leaving it until the next free weekend to fit around my other chores! Now I can see that it doesn't matter.

The adjustment is very difficult for me - I have always "been busy" with stuff and chores, projects, work etc.  Now, not so much.  It's whether or not to do anything in the spaces in between or to just let those happen and it bothers me and I need to adjust, acclimatise and get used to it I guess? It's not easy at all.

So my next work in progress is not to feel guilty that I am not doing anything, rather embrace that and work out from there what to do after that, when I've accepted it.

Every Year I Have This Conversation (With Myself)

 Whether to invest in A/C in the house.  For the few days it is like this we work through the 30 C days and 20C nights using my cooling tower and a misting fan plus a few old fashioned office fans.  It was at 5 am this morning that I sort of had the conversation again.  We live in the pitched roof area of our house and it has angled doors and windows making it difficult to site an A/C unit or vent it more over.  So where it's needed isn't the best place to put it.  I could put it downstairs but I'd need a more powerful unit as the house is quite large and would need to cool a large area before cooling upstairs.  

So for 4 or 5 days a year of discomfort is the ROI worth it?  I'll probably still be asking myself this very same question next year!!

Life is very strange for me at the moment.  Irrational thoughts, death and illness, getting old, losing control and independence and many many more.  I'm better than I was last week but it's got so much to do with seeing my mum and her situation relating it to my situation and so on.  I am having to work through it and make various changes to things.  I go between being quite happy and content to the complete opposite and being down and despondent.

Just going to have to fight my way through it I guess. 

Ups and Downs

 No 1 Grandchild is here today which has cheered me up and I got a half decent night's sleep given it was so hot but my cooling fan leaked and so I have a puddle in the bedroom carpter now mopped up!  

I think I know what happened so I just need to check that tonight and make sure it doesn't recur.

Was a bit annoyed that my grandson told me that the world is getting hotter because humans are causing it. Why are teachers telling them this climate porn? It's disgusting as they are blaming children for nothing and oppressing them surely this dogma should be stopped.  

If you know me you know what I think on this non scientific mumbo jumbo and even the climate change people don't spout this bollocks - but you'd need to read their literature and reports (not the executive summary written by non scientists!).  The summaries are then inflated to sell newspapers and gain clicks.  They, politicians and climate scientists cannot tell you any ROI - Return on Investment data because it doesn't exist.  The actions they have taken have made a lot of people very rich and the greater general public, US, poorer.  In the 20 or 30 years that they've promised lowering bills the opposite has happened.  Everything is more expensive because of some hoodoo voodoo nonsense.  Here in the UK we have gone faster and further than most and our reward is the highest energy prices in the world.  And, just to be sure, they slap more taxes on to the stuff with resultant businesses going bust, even higher prices and disastrous results incoming in the future as we import fuel from adjacent oil and gas fields in the North Sea from our neighbour, Norway, for example.  The very same fields, under our feet (well under the sea).  Someone needs to wake the f*** up and stop it but, you know, Socialism.  Mind you the Conservatives weren't much better enshrining this sh1t in law.

As for me, well, I am very much up and down at the moment.  I know I am not right but with the little guy around today that will cheer me up.  The weather is a little challenging and as usual makes you want to invest in AirCon for a few days :-)  Some of the things that I find myself worrying about in short snippets include:

• Getting darker in winter!
• Claustrophobia but not in any particular setting
• Dying, suicide (no I'm not there) getting old, losing my power (physical)
• Getting stuff done, having a plan or not, procrastination

I think it is all to do with retirement, loss of day-to-day work.  A feeling that my get up and go has indeed got up and left and a general lack of motivation.

You retire and the picture is painted of all the things you can get on and do and suddenly, they no longer interest me at all or rather, I just cannot be arsed at the moment.  It sounds terrible and I worry about the loss of the time and effort but there you go.  I'm aware of all of this but I just need to tackle it and work my way through t.  I'm not as bad as I was last week so hopefully I can work through this. 

Life's A Bit Of A Struggle At The Moment

 I am having a hard time of it at the moment.  The retirement conundrum is there and the general life, the universe and all that too.  Suddenly there's no purpose, no easy way out of a trap I suppose, or that's what it feels like.

The stuff that defined me has gone and I wasn't expecting this void and this confusion.  It's not the same as the dark days of last year but it is a constant challenge and it comes and goes and fights logic, what I know, what I care about and so on.  There's a fight between wanting to be busy and doing things (not easy in this mini heat wave) and just doing nothing.  

I am working my way through it but it isn't easy.  The heat does not help - I have the fans but they aren't doing much other than blowing the air around of course.  It would be nice to have air con but where to put it is an issue.

I need to work my way through this phase as it is making me very uneasy and going to see my mum last week was both nice - good to see her - but also upsetting as she is getting old and frail which is upsetting. 

Awake Early Yet Again

 I've got to get a grip on this but the heat last night didn't help - I got my cooler / fan working and managed to wake up around 2 and just about get back to sleep but at 6 woke again, turned off the fan (it's quite noisy) and come down here for an hour or so waiting for the alarm.

My mind is full of stuff that I don't seem to be able to shift.  Seeing my mum getting older and frailer and just the news in general, the prospect of financial turmoil on its way all seem to be pressing down on me and - I think I will have to do what I did some years ago and just move away from social media for a while or maybe only do the basic things on it.

I know and understand that I cannot change things overnight but I wish I could as it is very disruptive and disturbing.  I tend to wake and be almost tearful I'd say and then within a short space of time I feel better and then I'm OK and then I feel bad again and press on through that.

Absolutely everything is "a problem" and yet it isn't really of course.  So for now, I just need to chip away at this.  Having a very hot room also doesn't help much either.  In fact noting helps much but let me see what I can do about it.  I understand where I am with it, I understand the irrationality of some of it, but not all of it.  

I've had periods of my life like this before and I have got through those and so I need to do exactly that once again.

Mixed Feelings - Confusing Emotions

 My trip to see my mother was good and also sad / bad in someways too.  I am struggling with purpose and I am in a strange place.  The problems are those of ageing, of retirement, situation and on how I am dealing with them or in fact how I am not dealing with them.  Once again, I am up early and once again I wake with this melancholy, tearful, no purpose, no direction and a sort of hopelessness that is very unlike me.

My mum looks old and frail and she's lost some of her spark.  She stays in more often and she hadn't been out for weeks until I came and we went out for lunch.  Then we went through some of her paperwork for her funeral wishes and that sort of thing.  We chatted about my situation and hers and actually I came home yesterday with some uplift in my step only to find the house empty and then I did the stupid thing of ordering myself some beers for this upcoming weekend as it is going to be warm and nice!   This is not what I planned to do and I must have a plan to get myself out of this position and into somewhere that is good and uplifting for me.

It's going to have to be small and steady steps.  I realise that but the want to get things done quickly also needs to be considered - it isn't going to happen.  I think the way out at this time is to do the small projects and get them done, achieving these will be the one step at a time Elephant Eating that I need to do.  That along with working on my own lack of confidence and being able to control what I can actually control, I worry too much about the state of the country and the world as I see my world eroded and unlike me, having gone through all the things I have gone through and the suffering of some of that I actually need to check myself and go back to living now, not in the past and certainly not in the future.

Small steps is what is needed.  Little victories, working on moving ever forward.  It's not all going to happen at once and there's no rush or anything like that.  

Off To See Mum

 Awake early as my partner disturbed me.  I was suddenly wide awake but it was around 6 so I just got up and came downstairs.  I'm off to my mum's after breakfast.  A bit of a journey but I will enjoy a few days away.  Maybe it will help get my head together which is the main thing.

I do hate this period of my life as I cannot settle and my mind is buzzing with way too much in the way of thoughts good and bad, serious and mundane.  Let's hope I get to reset when I am away.

I can also get away from this PC and my office and just enjoy chatting to my mum and enjoying her company.  

Meaning, Purpose, Getting Old

 It sort of crept up on me in a way although I've been grappling with this for some while and it probably contributes towards my current state of mind too.

The thing that gave me meaning and purpose is no longer there.  The hours spent trying to get something to work and then sell are no longer there so the routine of getting up and coming into the office and generally working (or sometimes just screen staring) are no more.  That's quite a shock to find that it is no longer there.  Finding something else to do is not without its problem I find and then there's this getting old stuff to deal with.  

I suppose I can always find something to do but I'm not always in the right frame of mind for it and then there's the additional motivational things to get over.  Trying to motivate myself to go out and do some gardening or perhaps to do some maintenance on the house knowing that I'll get it in the ear if I go up a ladder or steps on my own and so on.  I do notice that I do not have the physical strength I used to and yet my brain tells me I can do such things, my body quickly dispels that!

Coming to terms with it all is now needed and trying to work out what replaces those things that had meaning, purpose and that defined me.  I need new goals but I'm not worked out what they should be yet. 

Gosh - Hearing Aids

 I've had them for some years and yesterday decided to try them out in a Lodge meeting which actually worked quite well.  The evening meal though proved difficult and I just need to adjust the levels to get it right.  The biggest problem is the ambient noise in a dining hall or environment where there are few soft furnishings.

The echo and sheer volume of noise is quite daunting.  So I took the hearing aids out, tried the noise deadening inserts which work OK but bring the volume down to a point where I cannot hear through reduced volume.

I will try again today and see if I can adjust them to get it right.

A few bad thoughts circulating this morning but a better night's sleep which was good.  Hopefully I'll get more of that as I begin to control things.

Bringing Things Back Under Control

 My Spider senses are going off all the time but I am keeping things somewhat under control for the moment.  Sleep was better and I tried to minimise social media time before going to bed, I didn't look  at my phone but did try reading a little on my Kindle before going to sleep.  I was woken by something at around 4:30 - possibly the milkman I guess.  I managed to get back to sleep and also when I woke a few hours later also managed that too so that's good as my head wasn't full of stuff.

The current political turmoil isn't helping and of course I really cannot do anything about what is going on other than whatever way we look at it, it's disastrous for the country.  We could not be at a more precarious point in our history and our financial stability as country than to have this bunch of chancers in charge.  Hardly any of them have had a real job most having come up through the political route and none seem to realise the situation before them.  It's awful but we can do nothing about it and some of the things they are proposing are massive self harm, foot shooting stupidity.  Oh well, I need to stop worrying about it anyway  I can do little to prevent it but you really can't make up what a bunch of sh1ts these politicians truly are.  Every time they say or do something they make it worse! 

At least I was able to wander up to the shops and get out of the house for a short while and I am looking forward to a meeting tonight (and one tomorrow) so that will put me in good spirits.  I need to stick some Diesel in the car which may not be so nice given the price of the stuff.  Mind you I've not needed to fill the tank since before Easter.

I am feeling a lot more in control at the moment and can see a way through that's steady and sure rather than trying to solve all my problems at once.

Better Still Awake At 5 Though

 The situation is manageable and I just need to manage it which I am half succeeding in.  Some years ago I found myself in a similar situation and worked through it.  It's a series of things (isn't it always) that each in themselves is manageable but when they merge together appear to provide doom and gloom and make my overactive brain start its incessant computing and over stimulates me.

Let's take a case in point. The current political and financial state of the country worries me greatly.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, nothing at all, I know that, you know that and yet I see these idiots driving the train at full speed around a blind curve and we all know how it will end.  But the case is I cannot tell them, I cannot prevent it and yet I worry about it.  Everywhere is doom and despondency and there's so much rumour and false information flying around.  The new media means that this (to call it information isn't right) propaganda and disinformation abounds and you can never know what is right without investigating it and so that's what I do, dig in to the "truth" of what I am being fed.

So my mind is buzzing with research and computational things.  Then my friend got very bad news yesterday from his Consultant, the worst news.  I am already having those thoughts on mortality etc.  I am doing Lasting Power of Attorney stuff and so that focuses the mind too.  So all of this stuff is coming together and challenging me.  

I know that it shouldn't do that but it is an accumulation of worries and stuff that I cannot affect at all - it's illogical of course but there you go.  

I am  planning to go dark on social media and the news and so on.  It isn't doing me any good so I'll work on how I do that going forward and hope that I am able to break this cycle.  I am pretty certain that I can do it but it needs to be sure, slow, steady progress.  As usual I want it all done NOW and that isn't going to happen and I know that.

At least I slept until 5 and then was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours so that's good.  

A Slightly Better Night - Still Bad Thoughts Though

 I was woken up at around 5 by my partner stirring but rather than get up and wander around I managed to get back to sleep within about 20 minutes and when I woke up with the alarm I took that as a small step back to normality.

I am still internally battling with my current situation and it's a series of huge mood swings in and out of being contented to being really distressed about many things.  Stuff that I know I cannot control at all.  The business is, to all intents and purposes, over it's just the dying throes of winding it all up that is required. I cannot control the current political crisis but it worries me watching the current idiots in charge screwing over the country.  I know that I cannot do everything at once, but I'd like that to happen and happen now.

I worry about my drinking and my self isolation and withdrawal from socials and at the front of my mind I worry about the loss of direction and purpose because at the end of the day - running the business gave me that purpose and that incentive to get up and come into my office.

Retirement should be different to the usual day-to-day purpose of my life.  I just haven't predicted the huge gap that is here now and the way that my thoughts left unfocused have turned me into this paranoid, shaking, sadness of present existence.  It's difficult as my INTJ self is trying to make it make sense and all the things that you thought it would be like are commercial marketing fantasies. 

Frozen in some sort of limbo I need to refocus on myself yet again.  I've taken a pounding these past 20 years and I wonder quite what I should do to get out of my malaise and stop feeling sorry for myself etc.  Waves of sadness are sweeping over me - one right now - it's the death one (mine) and those who I love flash before my eyes and yet I should be celebrating our lives not living with this bad thought.  Maybe it's appeared to remind me to not dwell on that? 

The older I get the less tough I am.  I used to be certain of myself, self assured (typical INTJ) and I knew what was needed and got on with it shrugging off the naysayers and so on.  Now I am finding myself quite emotional and I dislike that. Being the "man of the house" no longer exists and starting to lose physical power as I just can't do the things I used to when I was much younger plays on your mind too.

I hate where I am at the moment.  I'll have to work on a break or something.  I'm up to see my mum next week so hopefully I'll come back from that a little more energized and positive - maybe that is also playing on my mind as she has slowed down considerably?  

Extreme Mood Swings - Awake Again

 It felt quite different at 4 a.m I got up and came back to bed and for 10 minutes was all quite OK and then without much of a warning the tidal wave of thoughts came and invaded my head.  I had to get up and come downstairs but this time I decided to sit down in one of the comfy chairs and just calm down a bit.  I'd walked up and down for perhaps 5 minutes undecided but sitting down was good and I did my tinnitus exercise and had three sleep sessions waking up with the alarm at 7:40 so at lease that was something.

The extreme mood swings do veer from massively sad to normal (for me) and back again. The problem is that stuff that I have no control over upsets me when I am like this.  I have to stop getting involved and dragged in with it all.  I cannot do anything about the current government or where they are leading us, the potential change in Prime Minister and so on.  

Not Right - Awake Early Again - Head Full Of Stuff

 Getting out of the position you are in whether real or imagined is difficult.  Swimming against the tide makes it all seem somehow worse The other thing I have noticed is that bad news is everywhere but I know that, if I don't know it is happening, then I have no need to process it as it just makes matters worse and I cannot do anything about it anyway.

I stepped away from Social Media sometime ago and it served me well BUT here I am, back again, consuming a stream of stuff that isn't good news and trying to process it.  I need to cut it out or cut back on it.

I must do something as I do feel it eating away at me and the ups and downs of everyday are getting to me now.  It's periods of everything is fine to moments that I could just burst out crying - huge sadness comes over me, or dark black moments.

I've been through this all before of course but it's really debilitating and I'm not sure how I get out of it at this moment in time.  Journal-ling helps a bit I suppose but I need to work out what to do to sort it all out.

This Is Not Good - INTJs Do Not Cope Well With It

 Yes, I am having a mini meltdown and for many reasons I suppose.  Analysing the reasons probably doesn't help either but dealing with them, that's another thing.  Are these "things" the cause or the symptom?  Will fixing one or all of them be the right approach.

It's bad as I can clearly "get out of it" but not for long.  A few bits of work yesterday distracted me but I soon slipped back into this state of mind.  Interestingly my tinnitus disappeared yesterday for a while but it's back this morning.  I woke overnight again but managed to go back to sleep in 20 minutes whereas often if I wake and it is light I come downstairs for an hour or two.

The pain body is really giving it some stick at the moment and I just need it to pass and to go back but here, right now, writing this, it wants to pile the pressure on.  I am working my way through this a bit at a time but it is really difficult this time.  The way my mind works isn't conducive to sorting this out, there's probably not a nice easy answer to it I do need to work my way through it somehow as it is debilitating.  

I don't want to do anything, just sit and stew so that needs to be worked on. Let's see what I can do today to do that.  

Here We Go Again - Black Dog Comes Back To Haunt Me

 I hate these visitations they are "all in your head" or so they say and that's true and I know it to be so and I can normally deal with it and it goes away and yet, you forget that.  Forget that you've been through all of this before, realise that it can be worked away from and yet right now, it feels hopeless and it's as if there is no way out of this malaise.

Don't feed the dog ought to be a note on my desk.  I've sunk down to that area where I don't want to go out or do anything but by not doing anythings, there's the empty space for the Dog to get in, settle down and stir up thoughts that I'd rather not have.  I can feel the mental and physical anxiety spreading, I'm not sleeping properly and drinking has become a habit that I need to tackle as well. 

Shortly, after a few meetings I can go see my mum and that will cheer us both up.  I need a break but I'm too lazy (not the correct word) to do anything about it.  It's been three years since the last holiday and I really didn't enjoy that if I think about it. Or maybe that's just me being in my dark space.

I've turned into my father who was prone to these dark moods.  I am swinging in and out of being really sad and morbid and just being accepting of it but not anywhere near my normal self.

I've got my note book to hand and so I need to get this darkness out of my current mindset, get rid of the dog and move on - it is so much easier to say than to do.  

Didn't Work This Morning Though Did It?

 Awake at 2 am and it was dark enough to go back to sleep but awake at 5:30 as OH got up and came back to bed and that was it, wide awake and my thoughts were once again of the disturbed sort.  I am having a right old tussle of thoughts at the moment.  Not all are good thoughts and so I am struggling to contain it at the moment.  

Add that together with the mortality thoughts, the change in lifestyle and now some concern over my eyesight and my hearing and the live in the moment attitude has suddenly gone from serial thoughts and actions to being bombarded with parallel thoughts and inaction. 

It will pass as these things often do - it's just that this bump in the road is a little more difficult to negotiate but I will get over it.  It's like dragging a load of heavy weights around after you though. 

Effective Breathing To Go Back To Sleep

 The struggle continues as once again I find I awoke at 05:30 but this time I was able to work on my breathing to get back to sleep thank goodness.  This is the 4 second in through the nose, 6 second (or a count of) breathing out through the mouth and actually concentrating on the breath itself - feeling it going in and out of the body and I was probably back asleep within 5 minutes.

Concentrating on breathing in and out takes away all the unhelpful thoughts and allows focus elsewhere.  I know this but forget to practice it.  I'm still tired but at least this helped.  I also need to shut down looking at my phone, tablet or PC for some time (hours) before bed.

It was a nice afternoon and evening out with some old and new friends.  The journey there was fraught with accidents, closed and roadwork roads adding another 30 minutes to my journey there and perhaps a further 15 minutes to my return journey.  

I have yet another problem with my electric gates this time the other leaf as that has started scraping and I am not sure why that is but then again, the weather bends and warps the wood and now it is drying out and the gates are working properly on their electric actuators this new dragging needs a bit of maintenance.  These are big gates to work on and so I'll be having a "bit of fun" using large spanners to manipulate the adjustable hinges.  Hopefully that is all it needs as if I have to invest in another Acrow to support the post I will be disappointed.  The other Leaf has such a device as the post is loose and leaning - or rather it was until I set up this adjustable prop to stop that gate leaf hitting the driveway.

In other news it is the local council elections and about half the seats in England are up for the public to voter.,  We had our vote (despite  the Government of the day postponing it) last year.  There are also the London Boroughs and the Scottish and Welsh parliament elections.  It will prove interesting to see what the results show because despite the fact that these are local you can be sure that national sentiments will come through based on the shocking performance of the current lot who seem to come out with some ill thought through policy that pisses everyone off even more.  It's as if they didn't do any sort or market research or impact assessment before stating their "great new policy".  If they'd engaged their brain before their mouth perhaps someone would think that it was worth doing.

For people who were voted in on Change, less control over our lives (yep they said that) they are doing what all socialists do and telling you what you can and cannot have even down to what sort of Tumble Dryer you are allowed to have!  They'll be telling us what underwear to put on and what colour shirts (bound to be red).  An absolute shower of spinless, rudderless incompetents and that's their good points.

Anyway - at least I have handled the getting back to sleep stuff and I hope that I can work on the other problems by working through them a bit at a time.   

Urgh - Yet Another Disturbed Night

 Five O'Clock this time, wide awake - startled out of whatever dream I was having which was complex and circular going nowhere but just all procedural and bureaucratic. That was it, wide awake and then came the thoughts and the dark places were lining up to prevent renewed sleep so I threw on a few clothes and came downstairs - it is quite light at 5 a.m. 

I was then greeted with a mouse in the kitchen trap this time - had one in the living room trap a few days back.  It is most unusual to have them here in what is almost summer - they tend to arrive just after harvest time and over winter.  A shame but anyway I cleared that up and then did some admin and wondered whether I've somehow screwed my cortisol levels or something.

I was sad and melancholic almost wanting to burst into tears for no real reason.  I'm fighting the demons again, not quite full Black Dog but too near for my liking.  I've grabbed a shower and apart from feeling a little tired I am sort of OK.  I've a meeting tonight to go to and perhaps that will break this mood for me.  It is very much this change from one state to the other that is challenging me - from work busy to retirement and I somehow didn't plan it or put off thinking about it and now it's here and dealing with it is taking some time.

I pretty much know what it is and I just need to adjust to it.  I'm sure that it just needs me to change my lifestyle to suit and to get rid of all this negative energy.  Knowing what it is (or what I think it is) is not the same as dealing with it.  Things need to change to stop the spiral of depression and this worthlessness I currently feel.  There's the mortality stuff to deal with too which isn't helping me much.

I am making small steps in tackling all of this but in truth, I need to start "eating my own dog food" as the saying goes and do something about it.  I cannot keep putting it off.

Clarity Possibly - Disturbing Thoughts Again

 I have had these disturbing thoughts on and off for years.  The survivor syndrome, the visits by the Black Dog and last year's meltdown all tell you and me something about how things have been these past 20 years.  This July it's been 20 years since it all presented.

The journey, if we can call it that, has been sporadic and in many ways not without some huge swings in mood.  I'd always been sensitive to anyone calling out my professionalism - I pride myself on how "good" I was at my job and my technical competence in certain early control systems and microprocessor work was called on and so it comes as a shock to get called out, like I did last year but then it made me anxious, stressed and sick even though I was fully aware that the accuser didn't have a clue and was being advised by wormtongues I am certain.

But, Bladder Cancer and the way it changed me has made me weaker in the head than I used to be and less self assured than I was and my brain used and still uses that against me - the pain-body being the culprit and myself knowing that is the case for not identifying t and fighting it off.

Recently, much to my consternation, I have been having the "better off dead" thoughts too.  It's not good but I can see why.  This change from business activity (or inactivity LOL) is really messing with my head and purpose is having to be redefined in many ways because what is the purpose?  Work, home, family used to be the focus but that's all changed now.  Things that I used to do feel unsettling now, even going out for an evening feels strange to me. 

I think that things are beginning to change and some clarity is coming along but I find myself distracting with small short projects (keeps me busy) and back to procrastination on other things I should be doing, my accounts for example, I need to just sit here and do them and have done with it.  You get into a rut even when in reality the day is open to you to do what you want and so I think I will try and call on my Programme / Project Director's background and organise my self in a way that actually achieves things in the good old Elephant Eating method (Q: How do you eat and Elephant knowing how big it is? A:  A bit at a time)  That's it really - the deadlines of my previous life no longer exist, they've been taken away and there's a gap in my life.  That gap needs to be filled with retirement things.

So I have done little jobs these past few days.  I'm tackling small jobs, in a small way and then working on the fact that there are 365 days here and the only calls on my time are 14 half days per year.  The whole of the summer has no demands on my time and so I can break the time up to suit myself.  An hour here and an hour there.  There's lots that can occupy my time but I can Elephant Eat that - Tidy the Log shed up, clear the weeds, mow the lawn (well strim it) work my way around the little odds and ends of jobs I've put off and there are hundreds of days and hours to do these things and it doesn't need to be a marathon when a few short sprints might sort it out.

I want everything done at once but reality says if I do a little bit everyday it will get done and there should be no need to fret about it either.  You tend to feel good when you've achieved something and a series of small daily achievements will, I am sure, get me out of this malaise.  I've done a few chores already - less than 30 minutes work on each and ticked off of the list.  

Bank Holiday Monday

 I recall the very first Bank Holiday Monday as we headed off to Broadstairs for the weekend and stayed at a nice B&B.  Our friends knew a restaurant that we went to that had the biggest Mixed Grill I had ever seen.  I remember I drove us down there.  It was a great time.  We used to play Badminton together and I shared a flat (well a house really) with MW and Sundays were crazy.  Both are future wives and us would head to the Sports Centre and play perhaps an hour's Badminton and then he and I in particular would undo all the good by having several beers in the clubhouse!

That was in 1978 - now I feel very old indeed.as that was 48 years ago.  We used my Sunbeam Rapier to get there (UK version of a Plymouth Barracuda).  A brilliant car and before mobile phones and the like we had a few hairy hours of trying to get to and from pick up points when incoming trains were delayed requiring me to dash between three stations.  It worked out OK after that though.

Halcyon days with my own car, living away from my parents and having enough money to pay my way too.  I was 19 years old then, peak of my powers in many ways and newly qualified Engineer.  A few years later, married and it would have been 45 years a few days ago had I not split up and walked away from it all.  

I Suppose It Is Normal

 Friday's anxiety was, as always, soon put to the back of my mind, once I got to the meeting, met with some old and new friends, settled in and relaxed the anxiety evaporated and I was able to put it all behind me and I was among friends and the stress fell away.

I am certain that this is a process you have to go through when you retire from the world of work and in my case this awful experience of being blamed for someone else's bad decision making.  I don't think I have gotten over that properly yet and it will soon be over as the business will shortly be dissolved.  Perhaps that can then be "put to bed" and I can move on?

It's fair to say that there are many things that I could be getting on with and slowly I am making a start.  I've gotten rid of all my business books and a load of spare gadgets that I frankly never used or haven't used in the 7 or 8 years I have been here.  The contents of the books are pretty much available online and I wont need them anymore so someone else can benefit from them now.

Likewise, gradually going through things that I will never use again and disposing of those will give me room to breathe too.  My film scanners, projectors and the like haven't been used properly for years either and I think that I can probably sell those off along with other bits of equipment used when I ran the film and scanning business.

So that is a plan to do a gradual disposal of things that currently just gather dust.  It's going to be harder for me to work on other areas of being retired.  I just need to work on them and realise that things will improve but not at the speed I want them to.  The disturbed sleep and the crazy sudden emptiness of no longer being "busy" all need to be tackled but I imagine it is the same for everyone.  It's the potential to waste what I have now that also plays on the back of my mind.  

It will change albeit not as fast as, or as complete as, I want it to.  Patience and slowing down are required. 

Due Out This Evening And I Am Anxious

 I shouldn't be but I am a little anxious, I can feel it building a little bit and it's been like this for a number of years.  I am going to a meeting, not far away perhaps 15 minutes drive.  I'll be with people I know and it will be all pleasant and interesting and hopefully not as warm as last year when we had one of the lads faint on us!  It should be fine, no stress.  I might have a little job to do but again, that's not a problem either.  So there isn't a reason for me to be stressed and there is room (for my claustrophobia) so there's no crush and so on so I don't know what I am anxious about, there's the little matter of driving there and back but again, it isn't too difficult really.  

I've got other meetings coming up too - May is the busiest in my calendar and I'll be paying ULEZ at £12.50 a throw which apparently makes it OK to drive into London albeit I'll hardly be in London!  Then I'll only have a meeting in June and July to go to and we get summer off.

This anxiousness is strange though because I'll enjoy the meeting and the dinner afterwards so it's not logical to feel like this at all really.  It is what it is, once I'm there I'll feel fine, settle down and enjoy it.   

Progress A Few Steps Backwards But Mainly Forwards

 It is all a bit strange - getting a new phone and navigating it's nuances was just annoying as they put all sorts of adverts and nag screens in but a google search and I was able to turn most of the annoying stuff off.  AI also helps when you ask for step by step instructions how to achieve something too.  I've put my effort into building custom birthday cards for people I know and I am delighted that I can ask AI to build bespoke cards for me.  It adds a personalized touch to the occasion and I hope it is appreciated too.

I've just received some of my supplements and I now have a regime where I have quite a few vitamins and minerals every day.  I hope it helps keep the Doctor from the door.  I started taking vitamins in 2000 although I had been taking some basic Vit C and D before then.  Now it is a cocktail of additional things including Iodine.  I feel quite lucky that I do not have any signs of arthritis which my friends appear to have or any other problems.  Sure, I've had Bladder Cancer of course and when younger problems with my ears and whilst I have hearing aids and hearing definition inserts I find I only use them occasionally.  The Tinnitus is manageable but can on days cause more annoyance than anything else.  I have the occasional problems with my knees from a cricket accident 30 years ago.  That's it, aches and pains but not requiring replacement joints or anything else and I hope that I will continue to be free of such things.  

I must lose some more weight over this coming summer and get out and about more as I feel I have been stuck indoors for years.  I'm not sure what stops me from getting out other than the habit of being in.  

There are a few things left for me to do before I am free of the business commitments in as much as I need to finalize the closing of it.  Then it needs to be archived and be put away for 7 years.  That leaves a couple of things that I must do in admin terms and then I can continue to make progress towards retirement.  There are still the occasional moments where I catch myself wondering what am I doing looking blankly at this screen or desk, they are becoming less as I work on moving forward and putting all the crap behind me - finally!

New Phone - A Bit Daunting

 I finally had enough of my old phone rebooting itself and so I got a new phone - bigger more powerful but of course there's all the setting up and re-logging on and security to overcome.  But it has a better camera and so I was able to chat to my grandson this morning.  How can he be 5 years old already?  He was on good form as was my soon to be 3 years old granddaughter. 

It's taken about a whole day now to get things as I want them and to shut down all the nag screens from the manufacturer's embedded Apps!  

Let's hope it lasts more than the 5 years my last phone lasted!    

Measuring Happiness

 In recent months I've been adapting to not having anything to do.  Well, that's not quite true.  In reality I've been trying to work out what life without work is like and what my next journey is going to look like.  The strangest thing to me is these dream / flashbacks that I've been having.

I got rid of a lot of the reliving of my past perhaps 14 or more years ago when it was becoming a problem for me.  When I was over analysing anything and everything and I, overnight, banished a lot of the pouring over my past and the what if and so on.  That works quite well, the odd time that I slip back but I know the signs and I stop the rot before it sets in.

The recent things are like a moment ago when I looked back or flashed back to my early days in College and how happy I was back then.  Enthusiastic, motivated to learn new things and I had a great lecturer it was so different from school being treated as an adult and everything was new and exciting.  Another flashback is at break time, at another college, having fun with new friends, going to the local park for lunch and getting along with everyone.  It was all new and you were suddenly out there, in the big world and doing for want of another word, 'stuff' you had your own money and your own freedom. So I get these flashbacks and I sort of get what they are implying for my today by looking back at those halcyon days of my youth.  

Some though are strange as there's no rhyme or reason for recalling these scenes somewhat like Harry Potter's Pensive scenes a past experience is replayed.  In my case these are apparently random nothing scenes.  I have one where we (my college colleagues) and I are in my battered old Mark1 Cortina and we are driving not far from Wandsworth past a parade of shops, a double decker bus is on the opposite side of the road and we drive across a pedestrian zebra crossing and continue our journey.  That's it, that is the scene perhaps someone is directing me where to go. We are again at lunch break from college so perhaps off to a pub somewhere?   In another I am parking the car at Putney but that's all of the snippet.  There's not a clue why I would recall these at all.  There's no incident surrounding them so that is what I find strange.

So back to the subject as I have segued a bit.  Happiness when I was younger seems to be a freedom things, earning and playing, no real worries, having a smoke and a drink, being with friends and having fun.  Work was hard but also fun, playing hard and working hard.  Had my own money at last and was in those great years when the music was brilliant and the weekends lasted from Thursday night until Sunday late evening.  Of late, I've not been having fun nor have I just gone our and enjoyed myself like I used to. You grow up, you get obligations and responsibilities, you get seriously ill, you recover your health but not your mental state, you have to work with arseholes and pillocks and then realise you've worked with those sorts of people all your life.  You despair whether the human race will ever learn its lessons, give it's head a wobble and grow the f*** up?

So, I need to get back to how I used to be where everything was exciting and new. 

Fixed - One Thing Off Of The List

 So the gate post is "fixed" kind of.  It's an interesting thing as I'd done a temporary repair and over the winter I'd had the gate not opening fully so it was all a bit annoying.  That opening has fixed itself now the wood has stopped taking on water and expanding and causing the gate to not quite open as it should.  It is now fully fixed well that is until the next period of rain and cold.  The other problem that I had half fixed was a sagging gate post only a tiny bit and last year I bought a Trench Accrow and propped the gate and it worked fine but again, the weather has changed and this morning the gate was just dragging again.  So whilst I was there, out with the Multi-Tool and a few strategic cuts made and it is all working nicely now as the cuts made allow the whole length of the Accrow foot to be in contact with the post (rather than at just two points).

A job off of my list of to dos and so I am pleased with that, no more than 10 minutes to fix albeit its been waiting 6 months to do properly rather than the bodge I did last year.

I've another thing to get done on my list and then I can pretty much do as I want for a while.  All is under control as far as I can see.  Things need to get done but in their own time frame now rather than mine.  I like the idea of deadlines are for someone else now, it takes the pressure off of me for sure.  Getting used to this retirement malarkey is interesting... 

A New Purpose? Reinvention?

 When you have a goal or a purpose it all seems to come together somehow.  Work, Business, Marriage, House, Family it all fits together and it's sort of cohesive it fits where it touches and all is OK.  Getting divorced was a soul ripping moment after all the impact and fallout of the Bladder Cancer times and it must be around that time that my self esteem, my cocksure assertiveness fell away and this different me started to form.  It probably wasn't like a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, no, more like a series of events that changed the way and who I am/was.

There is no longer any business to "keep me going" and actually I am glad, it's been a 9 year burden now I come to think of it and frankly I should have got rid of it at the first signs of being used (and abused).  However, I didn't and that call on my time and the effort I put in were both good and bad.  Good as I still went through doing what I should do against the odds and bad, in that the other person and his "friends" conspired to thwart what I was doing  and to what end?  Destroying their business using their shareholder muscle in the process?  Hopefully they will not complain when the letter arrives shortly to state the business is shut?

So business and that stress will be gone.  There's no more family to take care of no day-to-day things like that and suddenly (and it shouldn't be suddenly really) I'm thinking options, what to do with myself and things like that.  I realise that I haven't done things for years, flown my Drone for example.  Three years since Mauritius and I've not flown the Drone, used the GoPro or used my other cameras.  The film I was making of that holiday lies in metaphorical pieces on the cutting room floor of my server, incomplete.  The garden needs maintenance as does the house and we realised that the last holiday we had was indeed three years ago too.

My daughter is off around the world for the next year or two, travelling and good on her.  I'm wasting my hours in a new vacuum, wondering what to do with myself and flailing around trying to get my Mojo back and it's a very strange place to be for me.  I had planned quite a different future for myself but this is where I am at and this is what I have to deal with.

What to do?  I am sure I will arrive at a way forward but the invisible threads of expecting to be doing some business tasks and so on aren't breaking or if they are, they are taking a long time.  I still expect to be doing something work related tomorrow and feel bound to the computer to do spreadsheet or research related things.  They've gone, a hole is there in its place and I am not filling it with activity but somehow floating in the space left behind.  Having said that I did tackle some tasks last week and somewhat successfully so perhaps I will start to work out what I want to do and how I want to do it?  

You work all your life to retire and enjoy yourself and it doesn't seem to be working out that way at all.....  

Reminder On Social Media - A Sad Tale

 As you may recall, six years ago we were in lock down and treated like common criminals in our own country and as you probably know it was all for nil and we are paying for that now still.  That's what you get for voting in scoundrels and half wits as I said at the time it was wholly unnecessary and viruses are unable to read one way signs and can pass right through paper masks!  

I digress other than how it is now 6 years since my friend died, aged just 59, not of Covid though.  It was a huge shock as I had only been talking to him a day or two before and another friend had spoken to him a few hours before!  I intend to do some work on one of his talks (of which he gave many) as a sort of tribute to him.  I have his words and papers here I just need to work out quite how I make it worthy of a tribute to him.

How on earth it can have been 6 years I do not know.  Time has flown of course and I cannot tell you where it has gone really?  My grandson is 5 next week and granddaughter is 3 in a few months time.  It feels like only a short while ago that my daughter got married!  Yet that too is 7 or 8 years ago.  

So I remember my friend with great affection as he was just climbing towards great things when he was taken from us.  Too soon we lost a great talent. 

Mostly Successful Week

 Well it took a little longer than I thought but the first set of accounts are complete but require my auditors to review them - I'm about £100 out over £24000 so a computing error on my spreadsheet somewhere and as I've been looking at it for hours and hours it is probably worth someone else having a look rather than me as I've gone number blind for now.

Mind you it's not all plain sailing as the Royal-mail App has given me nothing but problems when trying to check out - it wants to check on various payments and then the basket disappears when you go do what it asks!  Twice and then it tries to charge you double!  I was too irritable to give it a third go and went to the website whereupon it failed with some server error which it kindly filled my screen with the code as if I could read it let alone do something about it.

I'm happy that I've got some things done, the sun is shining, I have just had some beer delivered so I can go and sit on the balcony and have a cold beer and celebrate a good week.  The Royal Mail can wait until tomorrow I guess.  

Saint George And All That

 It's 12 years ago now that I went on my last Saint George's Day Club up in London and I never figured it would be my last one.  But it was and we are at that point where my life changed.  Twelve years ago I was getting friendly with my partner, we had Easter Sunday lunch together, we had been at a gig on Good Friday and arranged to meet as she was coming to the little village where I was then living to see her friend and I suggested we could have Sunday lunch.  Interestingly she was fashionably late, I had to wait a few hours whilst she had her tyre changed by the AA and so we had a very late lunch indeed followed by a walk where I managed to pull my shoulder muscle at the outdoor gym - impressive I know!

She wasn't able to make our arranged walk on Bank Holiday Monday, she was in A&E where they diagnosed a detached retina and she told me she was due to go in to have it fixed on the 24th April.  I left it at that other than to say that I'd be available to help her out if she needed it!

St George's Day was excellent my friends and I regularly went up to the Grosvenor House Hotel and had, let's call it all day drinks, in celebration.  Living near the railway station we arrived home suitably late, in fact the next morning.  

The next day in the late afternoon I got a text saying that could I pick her up from the Hospital to which I said I would but no call or text came until in the late afternoon I got a nurse call me from the Hospital asking where I was and so I said I'd come straight away.  The nurse told me had I been told I had to stay with her or needed someone to stay with her after surgery?  I thought no more but warned my house mate and quickly packed and overnight bag just in case.  Surely someone had been arranged with her to stay over?  Going via the Petrol station for flowers and a card I got to the hospital in around 20 minutes or so and went and found her lying on her side with an eye patch on...

On the drive back to hers I asked had she got any food in?  No, so I stopped and did a shop and got her home, gave her some supper and then asked who she had to stay over?  No one and the rest, as they say, is history!  I had to get her back to the Hospital for 9 and then I had an appointment which I had to drive back to almost where she lived, had my appointment and then drive back to the Hospital, pick her up, we went for a meal at what is now our local and then I drove her to her friends, near where I lived, drove her back and so I ended up as the Chauffeur, cook etc. for over 6 weeks until she thankfully recovered her eye sight.

So my St. George's Day celebrations were well and truly over.  So 12 years tomorrow since I picked her up from the Hospital and come the May Bank holiday when I invited her to come and stay with me at the house for the May Bank holiday weekend!  It's been a long three days!!!

Short Bursts Seems To Help Here

 Achievements so far are that the meat delivery has arrived, I've divided into bags and frozen that I don't need until later.  The Charity collection man has been and I got rid of some old stuff that has just cluttered up my desk and workshop.  That's now all my business books gone and some old telephones, headsets and a electric drill all of which can be re-used.  I ordered the kerosene which is down around 30p per litre from its high but still over 50p a litre up from its low just a few months ago!  I then strimmed the area around the tank so the delivery can be made.  I've made bread and now I am going to start the double check process on my accounts talking of which I have filed dormant accounts for my other company too!  On top of that I've double checked my director verification, instructed my accountant to now close down the other business interests and that can be shut down.

Seems like a good day so far with lots of small achievements.  Feeling better about those little steps.  My to do list is getting longer but at least I can see what needs to be done, I just need to prioritise it now and again, in 'Elephant Eating' style do a little bit at a time.

Slow Progress BUT Progress Nonetheless

 Swimming in treacle as someone once said and it feels a little like that I suppose.  I am working on some accounts that I need to submit and have procrastinated long enough really and so here I am trying to do them - it takes a lot of concentration which nowadays I find difficult as I am easily distracted and lead myself astray.  Such is the battle where, years ago I could sit down and do these in a 4 or 5 hour hit, it has taken 5 hours to get part way through and interruptions to the flow mean you have to pick up where you left off which is where the errors will be so I have to back track on what I have done to make sure I don't miss anything.

But I am getting there, slowly of course but surely and I am actually tackling the work where before I'd realise that I'd looked at the screen for hours and not done anything.  So I will get there and hopefully using sheer determination to go through the barriers that my mind blockades my way with.

The road back to normality needs to be taken a few steps at a time.  Here is the start of that progress. 

Disturbed Nights - Over Thinking - Other Stuff

 Awake for over an hour last night then got up early so as not to disturb my partner and raging tinnitus to deal with too but on the upside it is sunny and bright this morning.  The birds started early around 5 just after I'd got back to sleep and here I am yawning away.

I know how to go to sleep too but not this morning and on checking, it wasn't one of the mouse traps that had gone off so goodness knows what made the bang at around 3 am.

My mind / brain, whatever, always has been the biggest problem I've had to live with it as it can just run away out of control and catastrophise situations even applying its own logic to that.  It is destructive and makes "mountains out of molehills"  as they say.  It can leave me exhausted too which makes it hard work to get out of the hole I've dug myself.

It was a tsunami of thoughts that overloaded my brain in the early hours of the morning and it doesn't respond to logical thought and counter argument for there is no logic to the order they arrive at and you cannot second guess the next wave of "bad news" and accusational headline thrown into the mix.  So overwhelming is it that it swamps your senses and can  bring me close to breakdown wanting to just curl up in a ball and meltdown.  So it was this morning.  After an hour I finally fell asleep and things were fine again until on waking early I had to get up and come downstairs to just do something, anything to take my mind off of the head full of nonsense I had programmed in earlier.

I have these episodes every now and again.  It will be around for just a day or maybe two at the most and then settle down.  

People Float In and Out Of Your Life

 A chance discovery of a photo that had a very young me staring out of a gloomy badly lit room with a number of others lined up like a football team photo made me try and work out when it was taken and also who were two or three people in that photo.  I half recognized one of them, could name almost all of them but two others?  I've no idea who they were.

Many had passed away and some were hardly recognizable until you worked out that we all had dark hair, no beards or with beards and so on.  The change in some of them was remarkable and in others you could tell who they were straight away, they hadn't really changed that much.  

Of those left a handful are still friends and the rest are either dead, moved away, fallen away or like the two just unknown to me now.  It was interesting to see that the picture frozen in celluloid taken maybe 30 years ago holds various memories but some of those strange thoughts are that some of them just disappeared never to be seen again.  One day they were there and the next gone and you never saw them or heard from them again.  You never know when that point might be.

I recall that some of these guys moved away, some disappeared, some died and some are still with us.  I often go to places and wonder if that will be the last time I go there.  True of say, Mauritius and some of the places I used to work so make the most of it I suppose.  I recently saw some photos of London in the 1970s and not only have these places changed, some out of all recognition, but certain places I probably will never visit again.  

I am not sure if there is a real point to this but it makes you think about mortality I suppose and the transient nature of our existence.  

My Amazement At The Actions Of People In Groups

 I shouldn't be surprised at all really having worked in industries that appear to reward stupidity and hamper innovation.  The larger the organisation the easier it is to nurture and accommodate these people.  Everyone seemed to know that they were useless and a drain except their bosses.  The smaller the business the fewer of these you had as you couldn't hide your failings.

Our Prime Minister and indeed most of his party appear utterly incompetent, un-planned, dare I say stupid?  They have one job and the trouble is none of them actually appear to have ever had a job.  The level on incompetence is off the scale, the absurdity of their decision making knows no bounds.   It's as if everything they come up with is only designed to piss off the electorate and they stumble on making stuff up, having no real policies except pissing us off and charging extra taxes for the privilege.  The wanton destruction of the country is seen by everyone but themselves and you see the incredulity in their eyes when people dare to ask them just a normal question.

It's shocking that we have in less than two years sunk so low but you know, socialism, it never works and they quickly run out of other people's money, our money!  It's the problem when you are not governed by people who are are real life business people, economists, specialist but rather students of Socialism, Communism, Marxism and like the freshly emerged pupils see wonder, opportunity, Unicorns and sunny skies from what they've studied openly practice their ideologies letting loose chaos and bringing down great countries all the while telling you they are the good guys.  For it affects them not (at the moment) and they blindly follow their religious zealotry to the causes of net zero, energy from unicorn farts, magic money trees, the infinite wallets of their citizens and their wet dream fantasies that they are doing good for all!

I shouldn't be amazed at the polls either which are predicting more of the same in Scotland.  Surely they've had enough, they are spouting independence again but their tenure has seen everything get worse, transport, health, education and so on are collapsing and yet people want more of the same or harder?  Why would you do that.  I see Labour will get a bloody nose in the local elections less than a month away but why would you vote for a party that taxes you higher then the rest of the country, can't decide on biological scientific facts but rails against them, has a high drug death rate more than all of Europe?  I don't get that at all but the madness of crowds teaches probably has something to do with it.  It also makes me laugh that independence if achieved would mean they would rejoin the EU which would take your independence away surely?  

The world is a strange place n'est pas?  

That Was Good - A Nice Day Out

 Well that was nice, a trip into the deeper countryside and to an ancient village Hotel and it was a glorious sunny day.  It was actually good to feel the sun on your body albeit through the windscreen of the car and whilst it wasn't warm enough to sit outside it was at least not too loud indoors and we had a great catch up.  It's a shame that we didn't do so earlier as we worked out the last time we met must have been 7 or possibly 8 years previously.  Certainly well before Covid nonsense times.  

He's quite a bit younger than I am and we worked together on a couple of projects way back over 25 years ago!  How amazing.  It never feels that long ago.  Anyway the main thing was that it was good to get out, have a nice meal and we got away reasonably early - so it just meant the journey home was relaxed and I came away with a pot of his and his wife's homemade Raspberry jam.  If you wanted to live in an ideal location then where they live is just great with a small holding and village pub you could reach in a minute if you dawdled.

So I must remind myself to get out more and to start to enjoy my life too.  Yes, let's try and do more of that.

Page Turning Commences Today

Off to meet an old work colleague that I haven't seen for far too log - years.  We are meeting half way at a lovely location, an old village with Pub, Hotel and Church.  I have rather shut down these past 10 or more years being social and keeping up contact with old friends and so today is a little outside of my comfort zone albeit not that far outside.  

It reminds me that I need to alter the rather insular lifestyle I have lived and break out a bit at a time from this being stuck indoors.  It is going to take some getting used to but I need to do it.

It's a small but not insignificant step towards changing my direction and one I want to build on.  I do feel that I have limited myself in the past and that I need to make some changes but gradually so as not to spook myself.

Looking forward to a change in momentum and starting to get back some control over my life.    

Flip Flop Start Stop

 Awake at 6 this morning and I have no idea what my mind was up to but I was wide awake and not wanting, for whatever reason, to go back to sleep.  I wanted to (not really) get up so I threw some clothes on and came downstairs for an hour and a half until the alarm went off.

No idea why I was all hyperactive on waking perhaps whatever dream I was in needed a clean break, I know not.  I can sleep well or fitfully and there's no rhyme or reason behind this I can detect at the moment.  Of course it is Monday and so what in the old days would have been the beginning of a new working week?  Maybe it was that, again I am not sure why.

It's the coming together of all of these changes I suppose.  Not certain what to do with myself, not disciplined to buckle down to some work and not really planned or over the procrastination phase, not planned, not incentivised and still expecting that the company stuff will come back and bite me. 

It's happened a couple of times this past week already - maybe it will settle down when the business is dead and buried? 

In Other News - Mr. Wobbly Returns

 There's been an up and down relationship between my head and me for years.  I blow hot and cold quite a bit of the time and strange as it may seem it appears to be getting worse rather than better counter-intuitively so.

Perhaps for some unknown reason I am dipping in and out of glass half full / half empty almost every day at the moment.  I can go to bed tonight and sleep right through or wake up and start to contemplate mortality and play through some sort of scenario in my head about something that may or indeed may not have happened!  The death question is popping up more than I'd like it to but I've just completed my Lasting Power or Attorneys (LPA) and I am documenting all the stuff I have my assets, accounts, investments, liabilities and so on and seeing all that on paper (well electronically really) and having to come to terms with various potential outcomes or routes towards that is making me a bit in and out too. 

So I range during the day from happy to contemplative.  Not sad really although I can get like that when thinking of what might have been or my children and the sad ways of the world as they are at the moment.   I imagine that I am not only coming to terms with this change of course but also the feeling of driving full speed into  a cul-de-sac.  That's not to say that this is the only way to go or that is indeed what might happen but my INTJ brain is computing all the outcomes and scenarios and maybe I should just let it happen.  Easier said than done for sure.

I don't suppose yesterday's little reminder improved my wish for equilibrium either :-) Looking back on my history then there could have been many avenues I could have gone down and wondering now where they might have led is another distraction that will not do anything but waste precious time and energy but what if I had taken those opportunities / paths?  Would life have been different?  Would it all have led back to the same health challenges, work and career moves and so on? In my mind they would have ended differently of course.  Good for dreaming and sometimes beating yourself up with the "you miss 100% of the opportunities you don't take."

Last year's contemplation of wanting to die was one of "those" things - I really felt so wretched that I thought about it very hard and quickly dismissed it and I'd only ever felt that way a few times in my entire life.  No need for calling SAMs  as it happens - it was more a contemplation event rather than anything else.  

I expect that there will be more wobbles on the way for a while - it's tackling what I am going to do with myself going forward and breaking these ties at the same time that were (or are) holding me back.  

Strange Emotions About That Photo

 You know that I found the photo yesterday a little bit of a shock just jolting me back through the years and I wrote about it here Glimpsing My Angel a few years ago.  I suppose this sums up (badly) how I felt at the time and I guess yesterday was a replay.  I, of course, felt quite nostalgic and recalled all the wonderful times we shared but this time it wasn't as vivid nor was it with that dream wish that it would all come right, that we would be together again.  She has her life and I have mine and daring to dream that it would all come together and the Planets and Stars would align to make it so probably sits with the fairies of winning the Lottery and so on.

The nice thing is that I can recall the lovely times we spent together and the time during that summer, recall our songs, the times we spent talking for hours on end, sharing our favourite music and getting to know each other.  The twinge of the breakup is indeed there but it no longer hurts or haunts me.  The thing was that it actually happened, that it was perfect and that I was granted a brief time with her.

It is what it is and can be no different (I sound like Morpheus from the Matrix!) of course it would be nice if it were different but it isn't, this is it, this is what happened, what life had in store and nothing either of us could have done would have prevented the outcome at all.  

So today I am content at last and will not beat myself up about something that happened 13 years ago.  So much has happened in all that time too so it no longer matters. 

Incoming Left Field - That Threw Me

 I try hard not to think about my angel or how she is or what's she's doing now and in many ways contact no longer actually exists - the odd message perhaps but years ago and then suddenly today there's her photo on Social Media - I had quite forgotten that there was an automatic follow built in to something that I hardly use and there she is, looking straight at me, smiling that knowing soft smile.  She's beautiful.  

It's over, 13 years since and yet she still has the ability to stop me in my tracks and remind me how wonderful all that short summer of 2013 was.  If you know the song Dakota then give it a listen, maybe I ought to publish my crazy love song hits from 2013? 

 I still have my list and I listen occasionally as it brings back those wonderful memories and the excitement and wonder of a special time in my life. I'll leave this here........

Fitting Things Into Place - Strange Satisfaction, Strange Space

 I've been trying to arrange to see my mum who loves a fair way from me and I need to spend a few days away to make the drive bearable, spend sufficient time with her and as bad as this statement seems to get value for money from the trip.  I normally stay in a local AirBnB or Hotel but occasionally her sheltered home resident's room become available.  Given the price of fuel and the cost of staying locally it's all fallen nicely into place that the room is available and so I can stay in the same block as her whilst I am there.  It's just £25 per night to stay so saves me a lot in that way.

It will be almost a year since I was last up there and I hope I can get her out on her electric scooter mobility thing as she worries unduly about such things.  At least if she is with me for a number of days we can at least try and gain some confidence in using the machine and maybe she will use it a bit more to travel locally.

I used the word strange space and by that I mean that when I just got the confirmation through it meant that it was now set into my diary and I have a settled date(s) and know what I am going to be doing, it's opened up more time for me this month (when I'd originally thought I'd be going) and so I can now set to and work on the areas I need to in closing down the business, working on some accounts that I just must do and tidying up my office, filing or destroying paperwork and so on.  It has delivered me a space inside to accommodate what I need to get done so I am pleased with that I have to say.

It is strange that nailing those dates let's other things drop into place and eases my mind to set to and sort things out that I was procrastinating on.

Are We Ruled By Imbeciles?

 I have to say that this latest bunch of "politicians" seem to have had their brains enhanced by the use of microwave cooking technology.  Can there be a worse show of stupidity than some of the crazy stuff we are seeing and the complete lack of joined up thinking on display.

We all know that they are lying all the time and that they cannot provide a structured argument for anything they do.  Cowardly, jelly fish boned spineless tits the lot of them.  They come out with complete excrement when asked even the basic questions.  The look they give when you see a basic economics question or are requested to explain how something they propose actually works in real life shows the rabbit in a headlight shock but no realization what they were asked or how it affects the economy, the country and so on.  

It's beyond a joke now they all appear to be mentally retarded, the lobotomy procedures gone too far.  We all see them for the utter waste of Oxygen they are and yet, I am surprised that after all of this incompetence, when asked, close to 20% would still vote for them.  What mental illness has overtaken a fifth of the population that they would allow these chancers any more time in office to ruin our economy and humiliate our country further on the world stage.  

Watching the news, that that doesn't want to make me vomit, is excruciating as we are viewed as idiots whilst our leaders seem think that they are major players on the world stage in their own eyes whilst every other nation looks on at the village idiots we've put in power.  It's totally cringe-worthy to hear the word salad that erupts from our PM and his Cabinet of misfits when asked their position on anything.  What a time to be alive.  The fascinating thing to watch is whether these idiots can sit the right way up on a toilet, tie their own shoelaces and recall what the question they are about to answer was having just been asked.  

I have a morbid interest in watching them royally screw up.  Not long now until the council polls to see if the rest of the country has worked it out yet or whether they will join the 20% and vote in the Turkeys for Christmas party again?

  

It's Been A Long Time

 At least 20 years I guess.  I woke early this morning and as my mind is bound to do, it decided today was the day to pen my book of regrets.  Whirlwind mind went off on a pretty bad set of self accusatory attacks and the pain body did its best as did I to dismiss such things but it was light, the birds were fighting each other on the Balcony outside the bedroom windows and French doors and so I got up an hour and a half early and decided to come downstairs, get the milk in and get the charity box out for collection and sit here for a hour distracting myself with the news which I hope will be good for world peace going forward but who knows?

I am angry with myself once again for not really tackling these thoughts and doing something about them.  Last year was a low for sure and that episode should have taught me what to do and the internal fight never truly goes away.  My head is in the wrong place and the changes which to be fair have already happened with the business still haven't freed my mind.  I guess my partner saying she had avoided bumping into the guy who made my life hell last year must have subconsciously played a part in that - he's still kicking around in my head but of course, he can no longer do anything other than be a prize knob going forward and I'm not the person I was 20 years ago or I would have been quite aggressive in return.

I think that Cancer is a great leveller and change enabler even if you don't want it to be.  Getting past the treatment which was challenging and the assault on your mind which needs battling as much as the disease itself, there comes about a frailty of mind which has surprised me.  I was always super confident (my INTJ brain saw to that) and aggressive (in business) cock sure some might say and I didn't get upset about things in the in-depth way I do now.  I shouldn't be annoyed at the actions of others.  I should not react or care what they do and I shouldn't blame myself for other people's failings or actions yet my mind which knows much of this will not cooperate with me.  The Pain Body and the Ego are strong and I have to be on my guard.  I am right now but 30 minutes ago I was upset with the way things are for no apparent reason.  I cannot change the facts, they are what they are, I can only run with it and let it be what it is and today, I find that difficult.  Later, I will have shrugged this off and be getting along with stuff without a worry.

It is a worry that I have these dark thoughts again, these cannot provide any useful input to my life and are destructive and a little worrying too.  Last year's episode was horrible and very scary.  It was like the bit in The Matrix film where Neo takes the Red Pill.  when he disappears into that black tunnel and it sort of goes inside himself.  So Imagine that I was sat there and feeling absolutely awful and a little nauseous when the room just dimmed and I went cold as ice and the blackness poured in on me.  It was like that - but worse!  I am so glad that I shook myself out of it and grabbed my Eckhart Tolle Book, 'A New Earth' and started reading the chapters I had bookmarked.  

I thought I might be dying for I have never felt anything like it and of course it was all in me.  Whilst there was ugly stuff happening out there it was a reflection on how I was dealing with it not the thing itself and this is the truth of it.  I have to analyse things and understand them and that is how my mind works, how it makes sense of the world and why I don't particularly like people LOL! Logic and rational behaviour and science and data are my tools to make sense of it all.  I should but cannot detach myself from these things and every now and then I cannot and it leads me to be weird for a short time (normally although it can be longer).

I was never like this before cancer but since I have been a little or a lot screwy.  It halts me being just me, it stops spontaneity as I have to plan things and research them and  the problem with that is that it is disappointing when things pre-conceived or pre-planned do not turn out as you had hoped or envisaged.  The answer if probably to try and be less controlling or planned but that too is difficult and leads to its own issues.

I need to get over this as it is leading me into dark places and is happening daily now.  I hope that I will be able to work my way through this as it is having a bad affect on me and halts me getting on with things.  Today another box of old stuff goes to charity.  Stuff I've had kicking about for years that in reality I'd never do anything with.  Hopefully it will do some good elsewhere and of course I won't miss it.  Some of it is way over 20 years old and sat in a box in case....  I need to get a grip on this and other things in my life.  The closing of the business, releasing the baggage of 20 or more years will start to pay dividends as long as my mind does not prevent or hinder me.  I hate the battles in my head and wish they'd go away and leave me to it.  

When You Cannot Put Your Finger On What Is Happening

 It's all well and good knowing that you are in a transition between being heavily involved in work work and acclimatizing to not working but other 'stuff' is oozing out of the mind and you recognize that you have been allowing strange habits to form over the years, that you are not bringing your whole self into things, that you are half halfheartedly approaching things around the house and garden and that you've just dropped the baton sometime ago on many things.

I am happy that another box of old stuff will go to charity tomorrow and I think that I will just do that from now on.  Grab an opportunity and fill a box, book the man in his van to come over and it can be picked up and reused or recycled.

Behind all of this is the really worrying part and that is I am drifting away and becoming more insular again and perhaps that should warn me about where I am - and I kind of know stuff isn't going well, I feel OK but there's a nagging doubt inside of me too.  I am pretty sure that I need to work out these niggles and worries and start to work out my own life, the universe and all that once again.  Something is messing around with my sub conscious but I am blowed if I know exactly what it is this time.  Oh well, time will no doubt reveal what it is and I can deal with it then.