Bonkers Day - Typical For Me Though

 My delivery did not arrive on Friday so I arranged to have it delivered Tuesday as I was going out on Saturday.  It was my granddaughter's birthday party and so I got myself all organized and cleaned the windscreen on my car and set off.  Well that was until I noticed that the butcher said they were on their way so I called and left a message stating that we had already agreed to deliver Tuesday.  With me so far?

I decided to set off a little earlier than planned and so left the house at 9:10 or thereabouts.   The Butcher arrived at 9:16!!!  Had I stayed behind and not set off I'd have my food and you never know I might have noticed something significant too......  The party is today not yesterday so I had driven all the way to the party location and hour away and wondered why it was not that busy there.  Interesting couple of hours driving which I will need to repeat shortly. 

As for the Butcher a few tetchy emails later and we are back on track for a Tuesday delivery rather than me having to go and collect it.

It was slightly less warm overnight and I managed to sleep until 6:45 so not too bad.  Still got these thoughts in my head but I am managing them.  They sweep in and out of my day and night and as long as I can identify them, I can control them a bit but it isn't easy.  Better than last week and gradually improving - working on it.  

Early Rising - It's All In Your Head Mr. Tweedy

 Chicken Run, a brilliant film and poor old Mr. Tweedy, the farmer, nagged by his wife and harassed by the Chickens.  His wife tells him "It's all in your head!" yet we know that the Chickens really are up to something.

My current problems are all in my head so to speak and with this heatwave making doing anything uncomfortable it doesn't help that my head is Catastrophising things going on around me.  Everywhere does appear gloom and doom and once again I find myself reflecting on such things.  The state of the economy and what on Earth these losers are going to come up with next and just the state of the world at the moment but I cannot fix them and worrying about them probably isn't helping either.

I was up early again this morning not massively so but just before 6 but it was a hot night again and suddenly I was awake.  We'd had some locals disturb us as they sat out and were being overly loud in conversation - it is surprising how far noise travels at night in the country but I don't imagine they realised.

Things play in my head and that needs to stop.  It used to happen many years ago and I got rid of it, just one night and I cleared all my past which was haunting me and I stopped all the analysis and self doubt.  In a way, that's back now but nowhere near as severe as before.  It's just unsettling and it isn't particularly good for me, I know.  So I am going to work on that and try to detach myself from social media as well as unsubscribing to all these emails.

I am going to have to work on it and sort it out.  

No Wonder There's Problems

 I am trying to give up my phone and PC/Tablet and switch my attention away.  It is only when you realise the way that your attention is being sought all the time that you realise how, for example, ADHD and similar problems manifest themselves.

My phone goes 'bing' and I look at the little screen to see what it is? It commands my attention and requires my feedback and interaction.   My emails demand attention and action (or do they) and I find myself using phone and PC to get things done but there is little or no substance to those things.

So I've been working slowly, to unsubscribe from emails - I think that it will help.  I try to (and fail miserably) to look at Facebook only once a day - this needs more practice as does glancing at Instagram albeit that might be the only way I might know where one of my daughters is in the world and what she might be up to.  She's on a year out going around the world bless her.

It's been hot by any standards and I managed to sleep with one (possibly two) interruptions overnight and slept past 7.  I have an early morning delivery arriving so I needed to be up but 7 is great.  I cleaned the air cooler which has meant it operates better and it certainly did work better as all the filters and the evaporation screen were cleaned out.  It is going to be a hot day again today and it really precludes me from sitting here doing anything on the PC.  It is too hot to do anything in the garden and so there's been a lot of sitting around doing little - that has and hasn't helped my head space.

I am feeling a lot better but my head drifts in and out of strange places - without over doing it I didn't want to be here (no not the suicide question for you SAMS out there) but I wasn't certain where I wanted to be.  I am still having the death and getting old stuff and it's because my purpose disappeared and I wasn't ready for it.  I had a plan if the business was successful and one if it wasn't which it turned out to be and there problem was that I'd got the exit plan sorted out and there was suddenly a vacuum in my day to day life and purpose and unlike me, I hadn't given any thought to the missing part.  I say unlike me as I am usually well planned but of course, this is now about me, not someone else or anything else and I didn't think that this would be something I'd need to consider as it is emotional and people orientated and as an INTJ I swear I'm more Vulcan than human :-) 

Another restful day with deliveries of food incoming and time to try and reflect on the good side of retirement.

That Was Hot One!

It feels like the hottest day this week already.  I got up at 5:45 mainly as I'd managed to make my hand numb by lying on it awkwardly and something woke me from outside the house.  A car, lorry or sheep/ As I say that the Dustmen have just arrived so it might be the previous ones who do the food caddy :-)

So I'm just working out how to get cool and sort myself out for today - it is so warm here in my office that I will probably end up elsewhere in the house or in the shade outside seeking relief.  It's a sit it out day today for sure.

But at least, I am not sitting in the strange head space I was in last week and indeed for many weeks.  There's a little going on in there but not as bad, not as self-destructive I'd say.  Without wishing my life away it will be good when the weather breaks a bit and I can get on and do some work or make some plans that don't involve keeping cool, making and using ice and running fans most of the day!

Despite The Heat - I Managed A Good Night

 Progress of sorts and that's something I suppose.  I asked for Crossword and Puzzle books for my Birthday and an Adult Colouring Book and that's to allow me to unwind and concentrate on something else rather than my head space.  It has been ridiculously hot in the late 20s early 30s but without the humidity which feels more bearable.  My chiller has been working overtime and it does the job allowing us to sleep under our pitched roof bedroom.

In many ways things are very gradually getting better.  The business cessation and dissolution is under way and the letters should arrive latest today to the shareholders.  They have the right to object once the notice has been published but quite what they can object to is a moot point as all the Statutory duties required of the business have been followed.

There's one potential objection that can be made but he would have to prove his assertion and no paperwork exists to back it up in fact I have paperwork that refutes it.  

Anyway, given that this is now underway and should be over in a few months, I doubt that there can be anything to hold it up but I've been wrong before and when people act out of emotion rather than logic these things can arise and it is one of the worries I am dealing with but of course it hasn't happened and so I need to check my fearful egoistic brain on that, which, as most of you realise, is the biggest part of my current and past problems!  

Coming to terms with retirement is taking a while longer than I expected I have to say.  I hadn't planned that the business would crash dive quite the way it did, or so quickly but I did everything I could to sort it out.  Anyway, the bottom line of it is that I was expecting to be doing a couple of hours a day and then do "retirement stuff" I just hadn't worked out what that "stuff" comprised of!

It is not going to be an overnight thing either, I need to spend a little time working out what it might be.  I'm living through the shock (we'll call it) of staring at the last phase of my life and I don't like it at all.  It isn't what I expected and I haven't come to terms with it.  That's my assessment of where I am right now.  I am trying to figure out life's new meaning and I am failing miserably at that.  I will get there by my usual dogged manner.  For the moment it is eluding me and there's a lot of FUD (Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt) clouding my judgement, what little there is left of the old INTJ Manager me.  Logic seems to have walked out and taken a break for the moment, perhaps it will return when I ground myself as I go forward.

At least I am sleeping a little better and I am not having so many bad and vicious thoughts.  Slow and very gradual progress though.   

A Different Dawn

 Up around 20 minutes earlier than normal pleasantly surprised considering how hot it was overnight.  My cooler was on low all night which must have helped - it's hot already this morning and going to go over 30C today again.  It's not so humid so that's good (I guess)?

I felt much better and was able to get up, prep breakfast for us and so I am pleased with that.  It makes a big difference and I feel better in myself and it's nice not to have the head sh1t going on.  

I am not sure what it might be but perhaps because the shareholder letters went out yesterday and are on their way and so that's a weight off and I sat down and did some art based activities in the afternoon - it was far too hot to do much else and that calmed me down too.  I even watched a bit of football last night which I rarely do just to do something. 

Thankfully I don't have problems going to sleep and last night getting up and going back to sleep.  I often struggle to go back to sleep as my senses get heightened and then the thoughts flood in.  I can manage that with some breathing and backwards counting that seems to work.

So maybe the end of the business, now official, now informed to all shareholders is kicked off.  I suppose he can object although I am not sure whether he can do anything about it.  His assertions that his investment is a loan would have to be argued with Companies House (not me) and I've already put on record the business' position on this.  So that's all that can really put the fly in the ointment I guess.  Let's wait and see - this is the only thing that's left really and I suppose it all depends on how vindictive he feels.  Hopefully now I've returned everything to him he will go away?  It still plays on my mind how nasty he has been and I imagine that is part of my current head wobble.

Anyway, take each day as it comes and today is a much better day than the past weeks so that's a bonus.  Let's hope I can build on that. 

Early Again - Not Too Bad Despite

 Hearing of two acquaintance's prognoses.  One is a bit of a shocker as it's now "manage" the outcome, the other is in Hospital and it's not looking good.  

I am up early about 5:30 and I'm not sure what woke me up really?  I was awake earlier than that but drifted back to sleep once I'd calmed my mind down a bit so I'm up 2 hours earlier than planned but it is warm again, perhaps late teens and sleeping isn't that comfortable.

I have to say though that my head is clear writing this and that's great, I enjoyed a day of motor racing yesterday and I didn't stay up for the England Vs Mexico match that kicked off around 1 am. I see we won and maybe that woke me though I doubt it, I don't really do football as such.

I hope that I can continue to work my way through this awful patch and get myself back on an even keel.  The letters to shareholders should have gone out on Saturday but the postman didn't bring the label and it was only that I caught him that I'd have even found out about it.  Hopefully today that will be sorted and the whole of that episode, close to 10 years will come to an end unless, I suppose, the bloke who kicked off wants to somehow kick off again although I am not sure how he can?  Mind you people aren't logical when it comes to being vindictive.

There's this strange thing of getting rid of the baggage that I have and working on where I go next and what I do.  I do feel that there is a whole area I need to work on as this retirement living was never planned or thought about, it just happened and that's a shock and a barrier to work through.  My "purpose" has gone and I need to adjust to this situation - I am just not doing that as fast as I wanted to really.

Fluctuating Moods Swings

 Up just gone 6 with just 2 overnight wakes.  It's warm again and the chiller fan is on which helps.  Strange dreams but not overly so - not disturbing but I wonder who the lady was I met as she was interesting and darkly mysterious :-)

I digress though.  My birthday was OK and the British Grand Prix was live so there was plenty to do.  I want to work out what is going on but the swings between how I feel are confusing I suppose, in that I cannot make sense of what is happening anyway let alone when I am alright one minute and almost in tears the next.  

As I type now I am OK but aware that I am not quite right.  There's a lingering under the surface anxiety that tests my thoughts and limits my actions.  It really is annoying that I cannot break away from it.

Well, It's My Birthday

 I don't want to celebrate or do anything and I still have this heavy heart, anxiety about me and I don't seem to be able to shake it off at the moment but I must somehow do that and move on.

The business was finally wound up yesterday and the letters are going out today.  I suppose someone could object but it would be pretty pointless to do so.  The accounts are in order, the proper process has been followed and so perhaps that is something that I can now forget but it plays on my mind and so is one of the areas that should fade away with time.

I need to do something to work through all of this - I know a lot is in my head and I just cannot clear it at the moment.  I'll have to try and work out how I deal with it.  I'm thinking one of the ways is to walk away from social media and all the things I am subscribed to.  They do nothing for my well being. 

 

Again - Not Too Bad This Morning

 Life is still presenting some sort of head conflict and I'm working on it.  Woke twice overnight, it was a slightly warm one - I hadn't cooled the room properly before bedtime but I fell asleep fast and got up after 6:15 so that's better than a few weeks ago.

I've halted drinking (beer) and I feel a bit better for that too.  It hasn't been long but it is enough and so fizzy water seems to suffice.  I do miss beer though, a lifetime of it, and so I provide my circular arguments that I can handle it well knowing that just the one or two a day probably isn't "handling it"

When you know that the stuff in your head isn't real and that it is all manufactured to get your attention to make you sad, to upset you and you let it, you do feel let down that you cannot handle the current situation.  I'm sad and annoyed, tetchy (sometimes) and cannot express myself.  I'm tearful some of the time but not all of the time and I suppose I can go on about the 20 year anniversary of finding the Bladder Cancer but that is just part of it.  

I suppose losing my "purpose" is having an effect.  That which kept me getting up, coming into the office here and working is gone never to come back.  So what's the purpose?  I lapsed my hobbies over the years and that too is a problem I find in that I have little to do now.  Maybe that's also an issue to deal with or find things to do.

Some people say that they have no time now that they are retired and I find that I don't have that, I don't have projects to deal with or rather I do but I cannot always focus on doing them.  Things seem stacked up against me when they probably aren't.  In this hot weather (3rd heatwave incoming) I have to say that I don't feel like doing that much for sure.  Enthusiasm sits and rests at the list of things I need to do.  I am gradually going through selling off all the stuff that just sits around doing nothing.  Stuff that has sat in boxes since we moved with no purpose and not being used.

That makes me happy and sad at the same time.  Not for the sentimental purpose but because I start something and don't really follow through with it.  I need to work on getting things done and achieving them but that too is proving difficult.  

So stuck in a bit of a no man's land still and it's the anniversary of my Father's death today.  July has always been awful in those terms.  Mum's birthday, my presenting with Bladder Cancer, Dad's death, my birthday all in the first 4 days and there were a couple of other things too that happened in these 4 days that I cannot recall what they were - I think some sort of problem or death etc!  

But, I shouldn't dwell on those I guess?  No, I should get on with living my pensioner retired life and just enjoy it without the dread of getting old.  It is without doubt a change in life that I had not envisaged nor had I even thought could be a problem, I had not planned for it and with the close of the business (that is finalising in the next few days) my current purpose disappeared.  The hours a day I'd spent over the past 9 years no longer exist and that activity got me up out of bed and "doing things" and it's gone in a flash.

I liked the analogy that your life is like a river and it is flowing strongly from its origins and as you work through your young and middle age and then it reaches a canyon and the narrows chop up the water making it froth and angry and then after going through that the river becomes wide and still and gentle.  I'm in the narrows and need to get through to the other side.

A Game of Two Halves

 It was our Lodge's annual BBQ and I thought the roads would be morgue quiet as England were playing in the World Cup but no, the roads were quite busy but we got there in good time.  Then the "fun" happened.  The room we were having our pre-meeting in was the smallest one which was like an oven.  I don't recall it ever being that hot before and suddenly Mr. Claustrophobia kicked in and I just couldn't stay in the room with everyone.  I needed to be there but I was really feeling bad and a little panicked so I made my apologies and didn't attend.  It was (only) half an hour but that would have been too much for me.

Things changed a bit afterwards and the England Match was on in the bar area and guests assembling in the garden.  England?  Yes they were a goal down to DR Congo.  The meeting ended and I got on doing my Treasurer's duties, collecting money, dishing out the drinks vouchers and so on.

It proved to be a nice evening and we left around 9 or so as the sun dipped down and it got quite chilly.  We drove home and I got a whole night's sleep!  Hurrah.  Woken by the alarm which was good so I feel better about things as it stands now.

It is the 20th Anniversary of me presenting with my Bladder Cancer symptoms (blood in the urine) on the day before England lost to Portugal I think?  

Let me see what today brings.  I have 6 months now until my next Lodge meeting and I hope that I will have turned it all around by then.  

Good Night - Up Early But Something Still Not Quite Right

 It was a good night, up just the once and slept through to gone 6 and so a solid 7 maybe 7 1/2 hours.  That's better than it was and I don't have the high levels of anxiety of last week but still something there gnawing away. 

It is (this morning) a feeling of being trapped a slight claustrophobic feeling but, of course I can do something about that, get up, stand outside, move around the rooms etc.  It isn't always that - I have started to worry about my daughters one of whom is on her round the world trip and was flying overnight to Canada.  She's a seasoned traveller but I just have this slight on edge feeling when I think about it.  I recall seeing her photos  and videos from New Zealand leaping from an aircraft and parachuting over the Southern Alps / Fjords.  Do it whilst you are young and good luck to her but there's the background worry about such things.

My worry at the moment is this preoccupation about getting old and now I have no business to work on, what to do with myself and how to spend my time.  It's a wobble I didn't think I'd have to deal with but now I see that I was woefully unprepared for the transition.  I am not sure whether to get involved in things or walk away from the commitments that I still have and it's all playing on my mind.

I am sure I will get there but it is unnerving at the moment and just something I need to work on. 

I Know This, I've Actually Done Something About It Before

 So why oh why am I here again?  

Give this a watch it's around 10 to 15 minutes or so.  

I just needed the KITA (Kick In The Arse) to remind me of this.  I know this, I've been round and around this and I purposefully don't sit in our living room watching TV particularly as I find that propaganda but I do doom scroll my phone, Facebook but not so much Instagram and all the others.

The stuff I have been wrestling with for a while and we all know how Left Brained I am.  The INTJ bit has now lost its purpose, its meaning, it's being the boss, being the technical guru, the planner, the arbiter of all things right and wrong.  I am liking the sound of it already the omnipotent, omnipresent Project Manager LOL!!

But, back to this talk.  I follow Dr Brooks on YouTube for goodness sake and I know I know this stuff - I just need to back out of the OCD or whatever I have been doing for the past God knows how long?

So the lesson is I need to remind myself of the right hand side of my brain more often - being an INTJ that is soooooo difficult I can't even begin to tell you how hard that is.  Even when I convince myself I need to do more on the other side of my brain and know the reason for it - I wrestle with the implementation as it isn't logical or process driven.  I've been here before and so the deja vu is strong with me on this and it is all very 'The Matrix'  Now where are my blue and red pills?  

Distraction In Accidents

 I live about half a mile from the main road on an non adopted country lane. It's about a vehicle width wide with passing places and around 15 houses mainly where we are.  It is a bridleway and footpath too.  Yesterday as I was half way to the road I spied a runner, a young lady as it happens and something wasn't right about the scene and I stopped my car about 20 paces from her as she ran and started veering towards me almost running sideways into the middle of the road!  She got the shock of her life when she saw my car and veered back to the side of the road.  Luckily I had stopped as if I had been driving I would probably have hit her or had a very near miss.

Of course she had ear buds in and was looking down at her mobile phone.  She did jump quite a bit when she finally saw the front of my car.  That isn't unusual but that's the nearest one I've had this year!  I nearly had a new bonnet mascot!  LOL.

I've Been Here Before

 Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began.  I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.  

The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.

This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case.  I need to talk to someone other than this blog.  The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?

Small steps are required.  I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep.  I've stopped having a beer in the evening too.  I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so.  Habit is a problem.  I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.

I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through.  I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter.  It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.

Humidity Broken - Heat Coming Down - Sleep - A Little Better

 I ended up staying downstairs to sleep while my grandson slept in my part of the bed!  It wasn't a great night's sleep as my routine (such as it is) was disturbed and as I said to everyone involved - a day's notice no problem to hear that he was coming for the day only to find he was staying does not help my current anxious state.  I had to go for a quick walk around to calm down and there you go, I've turned into my dad and my grandfather!

However, I am mostly OK I think with short bursts of anxiety and so I just need to keep that under some sort of control, it's not easy to do that but I am working on it.  I have to work at it rather than having it be a natural, not thought about sort of action.

Still warm in the office so a shorter blog today. 

Switched The PC Off For While

 It's been so hot and my office was like a sauna so I switched the PC off and have used my phone and tablet to keep in touch with the world. 

The nights have been sticky and very hot and my cooler has been working overtime. It just about does the job but it has been very hot indeed. 

As for my state of mind, well, it's on and off but generally manageable.  Of course grandson announcing he's staying this morning didn't really help me so I just got busy doing the washing up which has calmed me down.  The rain has just arrived hopefully bringing cooler weather.  

Of to see my daughters tomorrow. One of them is going off around the world and so it's my chance to wish her bon voyage for at least 4 months.  

Hot Night - But Managed Sleep

 Another warm night and it was very hot and very humid.  I had the cooler going full blast and just woke twice and for me, not too bad, up an hour earlier than "normal" and it's OH's birthday today on what may prove to be the hottest day of the years so far possibly mid 30s.  One of the hottest days I have had was 44 C which were in Spain and France and it was just unbelievably warm.  Some say it will feel like 40.  

Here in the UK our houses are built for cold weather which we are used to of course.  They are insulated to a high standard and retain heat making this sort of weather event particularly difficult for us.  Being a large island, humidity is also a problem and so it is quite different from say Spain or France where generally it is dry heat.  

I am having less "thoughts" at the moment which is good and if they do arise I can recognise them and deal with them.  Lots of reasons that I can see but I am not going to dwell on those today - today is going to be a red hot day and it just needs to be approached in a calm way as it is already hot at 07:00.  My weather station shows it as 28C with 58% RH outside.  Inside, 21.5C with 90% RH!  

Progress - Keeping Occupied

 Yesterday was a day of action as we emptied the garage and I rescued my exercise equipment loaded it in to the car for my daughter.  A Cross Trainer and a Power Plate  and a Chin Up bar which was a devil to dismantle.

We then assembled some cupboards but only found two shelves to fit them!  So I need to cut some to go in there.  We were contemplating leaving all the things out overnight but I caught sight of a big storm going off to the West of London and between us we thought not to take the chance so put almost everything back into the garage but we didn't have time to put it where we wanted so it's ended up looking like a tip but not quite as bad as before!

I was going to do something today but we have an Amber heat warning and they are saying 32 C with very high humidity.  So I'm not going to attempt that.  I'm glad we put the stuff away though as around 4 we were woken by a massive storm, lightning and thunder and biblical rain crashing onto the roof and windows.  I managed to sleep through the best of it, tired as I was from yesterday's physical exertions.  This morning though, contrary to the forecast, it's been raining.  Warm rain I'll grant you but rain nonetheless taking a lot of people by surprise.  Now the sun has come out and the temperature is rising and the RH is 57 outside and 88 inside.  Not much will get done as it's just too warm & humid.

I felt a lot better yesterday as I was actually doing something, I made another sale of some spare equipment I have and whilst the voices came for me in the mid evening I was able to bat those away.

I perhaps need to sort myself out some hobbies to occupy my spare time?

Weather Does Not Help

 Not one bit as you really cannot do much in or outside as it is very hot, quite humid and debilitating.  We were going to do some sorting out in the garage but that isn't looking on for the next two or three days if not the next week.  We will see after breakfast on that.

The bedroom cooler works to some extent keeping us cool enough to sleep and I wonder whether I should invest in an A/C unit but, of course, it may only be 10 days a year you need it! 

I don't mind it when we have generally hot weather but having temperatures into the 30s is unusual for us. 

It was a not too bad night but we both woke around 3:30 and getting back to sleep was not easy but I managed to last until just gone 6:15 so a result for me.  Not sure if OH was so lucky but it wasn't easy even with the cooler.  I think tomorrow and for a few days after it may be more difficult.  I had my thoughts come visit as I tried to go back to sleep and my knee started to hurt too so I will need to wear my knee strap tonight and see if that helps.

Fighting the little voice in my head is an on and off thing.  It comes and goes and needs me to realise what it is and then to deal with it.  Not always possible when you are semi conscious easier if I am in the right frame of mind to deal with it. 

Up Early But Not Too Bad - Another Hot Muggy NIght

 Pleased to say that receiving a message (and some Father's day chocolate brownies) fro daughter NO. 2 cheered me up.  She is off around the world shortly and I realised that I was upset to not hear from (or see her) before she goes and so I hope to see her next weekend and part of my spirits were raised.  Grandson popped in with his dad too and somehow my overall mood lifted and by the early evening I was fine mainly.  

I was able to go to bed and actually sleep even though it is really hot but I'd used the fan to blow out the hot air and then to chill the room and sleep came fast and generally long only woken once and straight back to sleep and then at 6 by the Jackdaws screaming at each other andn dancing on the roof!  So that's pretty good I think. 

I feel OK this morning.  Let's hope that continues throughout the day.  It's Father's Day today.  I am not expecting either daughter to turn up, one lives in Wales and is getting ready for her round the world trip and the other has her children and they'll be celebrating their Father's Day as they should. 

I hope this slightly lighter mood continues to improve and fingers crossed it continues.  

The Roller Coaster Of My Head

 Close to tears earlier.  Daughter sent me some goodies for Father's day and then I realised that I hadn't seen her for months and months and she's just off around the world and I may not see her before she goes and I miss her terribly.  She's not the most communicative and my messages often go unread for weeks :-) bless her.  

Then  that kicks off all the other stuff and you know, sometimes I can just get on and clear my mind and other times, not so much.  It's bloody horrible at the moment and it's not as if I haven't been through this before but it is just so annoying that I cannot break out of this using basic logic and common sense.  "Pull yourself together!" and the like echo in my mind.  If I could, I would, it's that easy and maybe I need to just follow my gut and take a break for a short while?

Of course there's stuff to be done and I need to sort that out too but after that, in a week or two perhaps I can just get out. 

I have taken to walking each morning and that I feel is going to do me good.  A little further each day until I get some sort of routine set.  It does good I know. 

I do hope that I can break this terrible cycle it is debilitating and doesn't serve any purpose but then - I've hit that what do I do now period.  OK back to trying to work on what to do next.  Too hot for manual work so perhaps something quiet and cool?  

The Dark Night Of The Soul - Disturbing

 Well that wasn't nice yet again and I continue to fight these demons.  It feels like life has no purpose at the moment and it's tough.  A hot night but I managed to sleep with the aid of the air cooler and so that's good.  

The Dark Night of the Soul is something that strangely enough I was researching for a paper that I wanted to wrote and possibly present.  It's a stage where the ego is destroyed and can be seen in many ancient records but the actual "ceremony" isn't written down as such.  It's a death and re-birth thing and in some cases involved actually being lowered into a coffin or sarcophagus.  Yes, well, I am on and off with this at the moment, in and out of being fine and then plunging into dark places.

It doesn't help that it is very hot here at the moment and so trying to do anything active is pretty pointless.  I did about 10 minutes walking and then 30 minutes gardening and that was plenty. 

I was once again up early but managed some sleep downstairs in my armchair. I am trying to get rid of things that are just lying about cluttering the house up and that have no more use.  They hold some sort of connection to my past and I wonder if I am being overly nostalgic about getting rid of them?  It would't be like me to be like that but you know, as I see these things from my youth it just might be.  But, the stuff is just sitting there, doing nothing, gathering dust when someone, somewhere can make use of them and in addition I can get a bit of cash for them too.  

 I am just going to have to work my way through this and work on gradual improvement.  Last year was horrendous and I wrote about the day that the darkness just flooded over me, the room went dark and like that bit in the Matrix where Neo went into himself and into the mirror it actually felt like I could feel the darkness come over the room and then enter me and work its way down from head into my body - it was f*****g scary as anything and I just got up and picked up my 'A New Earth' book by Eckhart Tolle reached for the chapter on 'The Pain Body' and dug my way back out from there.  It sort of feels like that at the moment, waves of despondency and doom and then periods (like now) of relative peace and some sort of understanding.

It is quite destabilising though as I am never sure which "me" I am going to get and sometimes it comes unannounced.  I had settled in to sleep last night, I had probably slept for 5 minutes when I woke up with a start and if it hadn't of been for the OH, would have had to get up and wander around until I could return but OH suggested that I do my breathing and relaxation and that worked.  

 

Another Hot Night, Another Early Morning, Another Bad Brain Morning Too

 Damn, it is a struggle at the moment.  Managed without the fan on overnight but I'd tried the blow the hot air out of the house trick and it worked quite well I have to say.  Pointing the cooling fan at the bedroom (outside) door which was open and running it a few feet from the door allowed the hot air to be exhausted out of that door and cooler air to enter the house.  So that's good to know.  But around 5:30 I was woken up by some sort of disturbance and just needed to get up as my head went from calm to hyperactive in seconds!

I am not coping well with "stuff" at the moment.  Getting old, thoughts about dying, aches and pains, lack of enthusiasm and so on.  I've become more reclusive and restive but at the same time not wanting to do anything when there's loads I could be doing.  It's all a bit of a struggle at the moment and in between times I'm fine.  I just cannot get the balance right and it's sometimes too easy not to do something as to be bothered to do it.  It's overwhelming and it isn't in equal measure.

I was going to do a day in the garden but it might end up as only a few hours given the temperatures expected (30 C).  It should though get some small goals achieved and that will please me.  I've already achieved little things so I need to continue to do that.

I need to speak to my OH or someone I know and so that's the next thing to do.  She is aware that there is something wrong but we haven't really spoken fully about it but I need to do so.  My Kalms arrive today so I'll take a short course of those and see how I get on with those.  They just help in stressful situations and dull my anxiety.

Battling your own head is not easy, so self destructive but I am  aware of what is going on, I just need to work out how I fight it and how I cope with the various rouses that it comes up with!  When I sit down and work on it, I can become calm and stress free even if for a short time so it is doable, it just needs to be worked on.  I've had this before of course and 15 and 20 years ago were the prime times (although last year was bad, very bad with the guy wanting to take me to Court and all that).

With the 20 year anniversary of my Cancer presenting I perhaps have some craziness going on in the background.  I don't know.  I continue to work away at this and strategies to not care or somehow blot out the outside world.

Up Early But It Was A Humid Hot Night

 With more of the same to come and like every English resident we "think about" getting Air Conditioning at times like these, look at the cost and forget it until the next hot day or night.  I do have a cooler but didn't really need it when we went to bed it wasn't so bad then but the trouble living, to all intents and purposes, in the roof of our house is that it is particularly hot and with modern insulation and a black slate roof it really does heat up.  

So I woke at 5 and decided to come downstairs where it is cooler.  My head battles continue but are not quite so bad as I understand them and can tackle them using a little logic. Whether I can remove the source of them remains to be seen.  For the moment it is disturbing my sleep a bit but today the warmth was the additional factor as yesterday I managed right through to alarm time.

I find that just when I feel I have things under control something else will drag me back.  Of course it is my own mind doing this, of course it is and it's clever at sowing doubt and getting sympathy and it isn't going away easily.  It causes anxiety about things that I cannot control anyway and so that is this little battle that is going on.  For most of my working life I was "in control" as that was my job my function to manage huge programmes and projects.  Complexity, risk management and so on, huge logistical multi stranded tasks.  That's all gone now and whilst I can manage the house, social life etc., external events not at all.  Watching these jokers in power bring about destruction to our country and attempt to control our lives does affect me but worrying about it will do naught and it's out of my control maybe that is it - I cannot do anything about it.  

Anyway, the journey goes on and I flip flop between states of mind. There's is a part of me that wants to run away, cut myself off from everything and go hide.  Again though that's my head processing it all and if I may say, contrary to all my years of experience, not really coming up with the right answers or perhaps the answer that I want LOL!

Great To Get Out - Diary Mishap And The Journey From Hell

 We went and walked some miniature Donkeys yesterday, the journey there was good and we had a lovely time walking the Donkeys and feeding Chickens, Llamas and wandering around an Orchard full of tame animals. Walking the Donkeys was the calm I needed but travelling home was a nightmare as the SatNav took us on some back routes and incorrectly launched me on the detour from hell!  We half recovered only to find it sent me off somewhere I didn't want to be and then took another crazy turn in and around trying to access a Motorway!  Crazy stuff.

I had realised that I wasn't about to meet an appointment I had so sent a message only to say that I'd got the date wrong and that it was next week!  

To cheer me up I made a sale on eBay which is great and I've just prepared that to go tomorrow!  Royal Fail (Mail) missed us the day before even though we were in the house.  They then asked where they could leave the parcel if we weren't in.  Crazily after I'd filled in the where to leave my parcel with full details of where our Parcel Box is located - you can't miss it if you turn around from the door it's right there!!.  No, they left it with a neighbour which meant I had to go and collect from her, she's a nice lady but I apologised and explained that they'd completely missed the parcel box I'd specifically placed by the front door with "PARCEL BOX" actually written on it!  Doh!

So I was feeling a bit better than I have been.  The parcel of loads of my old bits goes off later today and who knows, maybe it will be worth something, maybe not.  Sleep wan't too bad - I woke when the garden light came on and when the milkman arrived around 3 am and slept through until OH got up around 6:15.  I need to get my Paul McKenna stuff together as I am using some of his relaxing strategies to sleep and it is beginning to work quite well.  

Depression? Burn Out? What Is It?

I wish I knew exactly what it is.  It is a mixture of things without doubt and the only thing that has changed as such is retirement.  I've always had "stuff to do" and now I don't have that.  Can it be just that?  Is it the 20 year anniversary?  I'm always a bit cranky around this time of year.  Is it a combination of things?  Whatever it is, it is on and off so like now, I've been up for a short while, sleep was OK but at 6:15 I was wide awake and came downstairs and as usual, first thing I feel down and almost tearful, my mind racing and my pain body piling on the woe and despondency and I can identify it and block it.  I'd rather it wasn't there but if I know what it is I can tackle it.

I can empty my mind although not always successfully by a little self hypnosis and so empty the thoughts for a while.  I'd very much like to not have them in the first place.  It really is a mixed bag of getting old, death or dying, nowhere to run away to, a feeling of uselessness and being adrift.  Combating these isn't the usual INTJ way or project managing my way out of a situation mainly because I haven't identified the root causes of all of this.  I'd suggest that it's intuitively known to me but I just cannot face finding out what it is and what I need to do with about it as I may not like the solution.  The circular nature of it all doesn't help either.

Anyway, today we are going to a local farm to spend a little time walking some miniature Donkeys and I am really looking forward to that - some time in nature away from everything will be a welcome distraction.  

I do need to sort myself out and in some ways I am working on that and that it isn't logical as such so Identifying these triggers will continue and then working out what to do about them will be next!   

OK, Some Improvement There

Woke with alarm this morning - I'd been up twice and sort of dozed for around an hour I think, I felt conscious but must have been asleep as time shot by.  OK so that was better and I am tackling the pesky voice in my head but I know it to be false, the Pain Body and yet even knowing this I am finding it hard to shake off and not for the first time of course.

I'm in a little inside war in my head fighting off the bad stuff.  I've at least got rid of the old stuff or will do on Wednesday and that can all go off to a new home.  It's erasing my history and things like my Mother's dolls and my cameras are all packed and about to go but in reality, they've lain in dusty shelves and cupboards doing nothing and whilst packing them away brought back some memories I've had my use out of them and they are no good to me really.  What would I do with them and what earthly use are they sitting doing nothing.

You can look at what they cost back in the day but I've had use out of them and so let's see what happens - if I get a decent amount of money for them I can put that towards something I suppose.  If you aren't making use of material things then perhaps someone else may get pleasure from them?  I don't know, I certainly wasn't deriving any pleasure from them.  As for some of them being family heirlooms, I suppose that could be true but I cannot see the vintage silver stuff being used as anything other than dust magnets for my children.  My pocket watches have sat unused for 15 years!  If these do well, I have other items that I can sell and move on which will again unclutter my office and the house.

My mood is fluctuating between general acceptance of where I am and full on Black Dog.  This can happen many times a day and I am tackling it but I am having a lot of trouble with death or the thought of it at the moment.  I think because I have completed my LPAs and so on, plus seeing some of my friends and family going through medical issues doesn't help me.  It takes me back 20 years and that is also pressing almost unconsciously as it will be 20 years in a few weeks time that my Bladder Cancer Journey actually began.  Twenty years, imagine that?  

I've been through the mill a few times since then of course and who knows a few more times to come too.  I'm struggling quite a bit at the moment and of course, this too will pass at some point in time.  I'm not sure quite how it will turn out though and this nowhere man sort of period needs o come to an end somehow.

De-Cluttering, Sleep & Sheep

I have decided to get rid of some of my stuff.  It's sat for a minimum of 7 years in boxes, maybe even up to 15 years thinking about it, I am not using them and so what's the point?  I don't know if that is adding or taking away from my "strange" state of mind.  It's clutter and despite a few items being family pieces the other stuff is just not worth leaving lying around gathering dust.

I was woken by the Sheep making a row as mother and baby searched for each other (I guess).  It is an hour, roughly, before I normally get up so that's not too bad and I managed to wake just once and drift back to sleep reasonably quickly so I am pleased with that.  The Sheep are late to the field this year, it's mid June and we normally get them in May or before.

The ongoing brain struggle I know myself is "all in my head" and I need to get back to working on that if I can.  It's tackling that series of thoughts and they are dreads and not rational so my poor old INTJ brain doesn't work well with emotional stuff.  Sometimes the logical approach just doesn't work especially when the thoughts and fears aren't logical.  

And... Back To Square One!

My OH woke at around 4:40 and I ended up going into silly head space territory and melt down and so got up and paced around downstairs!  This period of head problems is not great.  Tearful, short term distressed, worryingly pessimistic and helpless.  It doesn't help that I got a video call from a cousin last night who has just come out of Hospital and there I was facing someone who's been quite ill and looking a bit grey and drawn albeit in good spirits.  

I think that I am facing (or not really) growing old with no enthusiasm at all.  I want to escape but to what I don't really know.  After an hour things have subsided and I feel calm again but it isn't helping at all that I am like this.  Awake at 5 am is OK but I need something to do, something to achieve or, on the other hand, do I?

I plan to do some clearing out today and over the weekend but honestly that may not be enough.  I can clean out all the stuff I don't use and is just lying around but I need to work more on this lack of purpose I currently feel.  

Wrapping the business up must be playing on my mind.  I of course, in reality, shut it down earlier this year and its just a matter of going through the motions now but it must have an effect on things, in the back of my mind.  But it will be good to get rid of it once and for all and it will be good to detach from it too.  

I'm not in the very dark place I was around this time last year.  I should be clear of that but obviously I am not entirely.  

For now I need to struggle on and work through this.  Shades of my father who had a rough time of it and now I must "get a grip" they all say that don't they?  I recognise the problem and I do need to deal with it somehow.  Not sure how yet.I am loathe to do something in a hurry but I need to work on this as soon as I can - it really isn't great.

Improvements - Not Sure How But I Will Take It

 Up just 30 minutes earlier than normal, woke twice but straight back to seep so that's good.  I think the milkman disturbed us around 5.  Partner's car was patched up last night by her son's friend, a mechanic and so crisis averted for now.  It's good when someone who knows what they are doing can get involved.

Last payment to the Company accountant yesterday so that was good and means just a couple more steps to go to wash my hands of all of that too.  It will be a weight off of my mind to have it gone.  I can then send off the notification to the shareholders and that will be that.  I suppose he can complain but if he does, he will not get anywhere as he'd need to come up against people (or rather Institutions) other than me and they'll not entertain his nonsense.  It's up to him, all due process has been followed now.

I have a couple of things to complete and that's that.  I'm working on getting rid of the first lot of things that I have not used in the past 7 or 8 years and that's keeping me busy.  I just need to check whether they can be sent out and then I can pack a trial lot and see how it goes.  If I am not using these things, then someone else can I'd suggest.  If they wish to pay some money for them it save me advertising them and it saves all the other hassle of selling on eBay and Facebook Marketplace etc.

So a good night's sleep, very few "thoughts" whilst that happened and long may that continue to improve! 

Another "Interesting" Night

 Well, the annoying thing was that my partner had her car driven into by a hit and run leaving the back bumper array all smashed up.  A bit like both my Jaq and my Volvo which still bears the scuff marks.  Bigger cars, same tight parking spaces.  That they just collided, don't tell me they didn't know, and then just drove away is typical of today's society.  The car is out of action and so all the things she was due to do this week are now cancelled.

So, once we'd got that sorted out as far as we could I managed to get to sleep fine.  Getting to sleep is OK.  Getting up yes fine and back to sleep but at 5 am it was and as it was quite light I decided not to get up but to try and go back to sleep which I suppose I must have done but it is difficult to know.  I was trying to get thoughts out of my head and just circular breathe to do so.  I cannot have been doing that for 2 and a half hours so must have grabbed some in between sleep. so partly successful I'd say but I am still not doing my usual eight hours through which may be because it is light but I still think it is to do with being unsettled.

This whole retirement, getting old thing is a problem but I am working my way through it as best I can.  Hopefully I will get through it.

Six O'Clock And All's Well?

 Up early once again but slept through just getting up once.  So it's getting a little longer sleep wise but still I'm awake and ready for the day.

Not so much awakening anxiety today though so that's better but then I have started to "do things" like clutter cleaning and doing a bit at a time so that I gradually tackle what's before me.  I grabbed the Nettle and ordered a de-cluttering pack which will allow me to get rid of my stuff.  I feel I have to hold on to things but in reality it is just clutter and can go.  It does me no favours, cannot be used, can't even be looked at etc.  

There's a "What's the point?" to it all too.  I've ordered some tidy workshop boxes too that I can arrange all my workshop stuff into.  That will help me tidy the garage where things have gotten a little out of control.  There's stuff in the garage that I no longer use too and I can just sell those of I'd suggest.  There's a need to tackle things that no longer matter to me.  I've had my use out of them and in fact there's a charity that collects stuff from your doorstep too I've used a couple of times so I will probably do that.

Today - will tackle the car blown fuse and start to make progress on my family history papers that once again, are no longer needed in the format I have them and I can probably spend some time digitizing them and saving to my servers and online backed up.  

It's getting my head around progress and realising that I cannot do it all at once. 

No - Back Up At 5:45

 Ugh, didn't get back to sleep and so got up and came downstairs.  Fighting the bad head stuff yet again.  I know what it is and I realise it isn't in my control and so to that end I have to let it go but of course that's difficult to do.

The way forward though is not easy to sort out either really.  I suppose I just need to get on with my plans for this year and work through them and sometimes it seems easy and at other overwhelming.

The business comes to an end very soon and that really will get that pressure off of me for even though it is dead it isn't gone yet.  A few weeks and that will be it. He can object I suppose but I'm not sure what he can object about in reality.  The business will release all "his" IP and that will be that.  Maybe it is that at the back of my mind but I just don't know.

I am pretty certain that retirement and getting old are having an effect on me too.  I just cannot adjust to it but I know this and so will work through it somehow.  It's the unease I feel at the moment.  

Slept Through - Improvements

 These glitches come and go.  My knee is still painful but only every now and then.  The last two nights I've taken to putting my knee on a pillow which has helped things and last night I managed to only wake three or four times and go back to sleep in a fashion so that the alarm woke me and I hadn't spent up to an hour or two downstairs.

So that's progress, sort of.  Hopefully that will continue.   I completed one set of accounts and in fact two come to think of it.  I need to work on getting them reviewed.  I now need to work on closing the business - that should happen in the next two weeks.  

Then we are sort of clear to get on with retirement. That's not going quite a smoothly as I'd hoped but I am working on it.    

Habit Forming - Up At Six Yet Again

 OH was late and so getting to bed was easy over one and half hours later than normal.  It did not stop me waking with knee pain yet again and getting up at just gone six!  I might try putting my knee / leg on a pillow to see if it helps.  This is an occasional problem caused by a sporting injury a long time ago - 30 years maybe - playing Cricket and my feet stuck on the pitch whilst my body continued going which was painful but I don't get this a lot so have lived with it all these years.  I have a few knee braces that I use which seem to help relieve the problem.

Last week it was around 30 C and hot and humid - we now have quite a cold wet day - I am actually wearing a hoodie over my T Shirt to keep warm - I kid you not!

Tackling my head problems is continuing and I have put the bad thoughts to the back of my mind for now.  I perhaps need to work my way through these.  It's difficult to explain other than the mortality stuff which I kind of get having done my Lasting Power of Attorneys which makes you think about all of this stuff and kicking around funeral plans doesn't help either!  My mother has paid for her funeral and it is an unattended cremation - no one there - we (my brother and I) can decide whether to have a do of some sort but we will not attend a funeral service etc.  Those are her wishes and I respect those.  I understand her decision, not sure my brother does...  Not his choice though is it?

Right as it is a wet and windy day I can sit down and tackle these accounts.  Let's hope I can complete them and get them resolved (for once) these are the ones that no real records existed and that I had to forensically rebuild.  I hate accounts - balance sheets in particular - I understand what they are there for but sometimes it doesn't "balance" and I spend hours trying to see what has happened!  

Not Me This Time - Up With The Lark!

 OH woke around 4 and I got back to sleep but around 6 OH woke again and I was wide awake this time so came downstairs and argued with the Facebook algorithm FFS.  Trying to sell my mother's mobility walker which having been up for a week or so is now deemed to go against community rules??  I don't know either.  So after turning down my review they then deliver me an advert under my (only you can see your post) of the identical thing and then more and more mobility aids.  This is the trouble when you cannot speak to anyone or appeal apart from an AI model.  I still have no idea why - it's not anything contentious surely?

So there you go, something to add to the general levels of madness going on at the moment.  At least some people are beginning to wake up.  Let's hope that they start to do something about it.

Anyway, quite pleased that I got out of the house even if just to do some shopping.  I need to venture a bit further afield and for longer.  At least I feel a lot better this week.

Well, I'm Getting There

 A better night sleep and I finally got up just after 6 because my knee was giving me jip once again.  It seems to have settled a bit but I might do some more Deep Heat shortly to see if that will assist.

Many of the thoughts are gone now and so I am pleased about that.  Sleep was 6 hours followed by an hour and then awake properly.  This is a lot better and I was able to blank my mind which is helpful I find.

So, here I am, sat at my desk the rain is intermittent and so I am working out what to do indoors.  I know what I should do but I am just working out whether I want to actually start it :-) There's a lot of heavy brain work involved and I need to be sharp for that as it is figures that require my attention.  Another coffee and I'll make a start.

It is still strange being retired.  This morning I got the last set of company accounts signed off and I am ready now to close the business down next week.  Hurrah!  That can then be consigned to history.  Hopefully, that will also rid me of nonsense that was going on and it can all be put to rest and shut down.   

Better I Suppose

 Still fighting my brain at night but not as much - I'd almost fallen asleep when my head decided to remind me of the awful video that had been published on the murder of young Henry Nowak and if you've seen it, it is pretty disturbing indeed.  I managed to switch off the horrific scene and got a few hours sleep and then a few more and around 5 my brain was wanting to start looking at all the projects to do in and around the house.  A short work out on breathing and I got another hour and half sleep.

I have some work to do in terms of accounts which are dependent on the weather - we finally had some rain last night with a bit of thunder and lightning and we might have more - no one can accurately say, like the storm in the late afternoon yesterday we had two hours notice.

I think that I can spend a bit of time sorting out finances too which will be good.  Mundane stuff but I need to build on these tasks and climb back to being normal (yes I know that's subjective) me!!

Better Night's Sleep

 OK that was a little better - it is much cooler and the rain woke me up a couple of times but I fell back to sleep well enough.  Only at around 5 did I hit the mind alive again which is me all over once I am awake my mind goes into some sort of parallel computing mode.  This time though I did my breathing exercises and was rewarded with another 2 hours sleep and and a strange dream escaping a volcano somewhere abroad and getting everyone together and out of the building!  

Today is finance day so I am sorting out bills, credit cards and so on.  Once that is done I will move on to getting some accounts moving.  I see that I have done some of the account but there are a few gaps so that is the next thing then cross referencing checks.

I feel OK ish today albeit a friend has passed away who has been ill for a long time.  My mind is sort of preoccupied with mortality at the moment after seeing my mum and then completing my LPAs and so on.  

At least I am not in the very low place I was in a few weeks ago or that I was in last year.  Adjusting to this aimless retirement is taking some getting used to. 

Early Rising - Habit Forming

 I had an excuse as Grandson is on an inset day (we used to call it a Baker Day) and so he arrives early.  I was awake and so 5:40 didn't seem too bad I'd normally be up at 6 anyway for him coming.

I have no idea what I have done to my knee but it needed Deep Heat on it this morning and I've now taken off the brace and it feels sort of OK.  It happens occasionally, a cricket accident from 30+ years ago!  both knees but it is infrequent.  The heat has died down a bit now and whilst I still ran the cooler overnight hopefully that can be turned down or off if the temperature drops a bit more.  It is much nicer now - warm but without the humid hit that we seem to get in the UK.  

I have some things to do which will occupy me for a few days now.  These are mainly accounts and they can be completed and be sent off for auditing.  I've got other things to do as well and so I am feeling OK and not so lost.  Tomorrow can be an accounts sort of day and I can clear up my own accounts and those of the Lodge in one hit.

I hope that I can end the habit of early rising though.  I find it difficult to sleep still and so I just need to get away from the habit and away from my mind wanting to nag me all the time.  Knowing that my mind is commenting all the time is part of the trick but the ultimate thing is to make it stop.  That is the most difficult part of it all.  Ignoring the babble and nonsense arising and dismissing it and not joining in with it's narcissistic pain body self talk.  Easier said that done but I am trying. 

Up Early Again

 Well that was strange as I woke early (twice) and got back to sleep albeit it didn't feel like I did the second time.  My OH was awake and so I sat up and the dark thoughts came and the tearful feeling and sadness too.  So I got up and I am here at 6 am,  I suppose that's not so bad.

The heat is subsiding now which is OK I suppose and means that sleep isn't as fitful as it has been.  I could certainly do without the nagging head stuff for sure.

A combination of many things and based around retirement and loss of purpose, seeing my mum ageing and all that combined.  I'd like to move on from it all but that is proving a little difficult.

It's really too hot to do much outside - I managed to shore up the gates and sort out the braces and uprights where they'd started to come apart.  It feels good to accomplish things but in this weather it really is difficult to do anything too exerting. Hopefully the weather will break and we can get rid of the high temperatures, humidity and Saharan sand! 

What's to be done?  I don't know really.  I am a lot better than I was last week and these thought bombs only come in short waves but they are powerful and upsetting.  When you consider that it is you own brain doing this to you - you'd have thought it was an easy fix but it isn't.  Trying to counter argue yourself is also a bit strange.   After a while you can just disappear the thoughts and I just need to work hard on doing that.  

Controlling My Thoughts

 It's been a bad week all in all.  I'm better than I was this time last week and the disturbed nights are lessening as the temperature cools down now.  It's been very warm and so sleeping is difficult to say the least.

Up again early this morning and whilst I still have the thoughts on and off, I recognise what they are and control them.  It is destructive though and takes work to understand what is happening and then do something about it.

I spoke to my financial guy and all is well really - I can't complain and if I did, no one would listen LOL. But we did speak about coming to terms with retirement and that is indeed difficult, at least for me.  When your purpose has been about doing things for other people most of your life taking time for yourself becomes difficult and so a new way of living needs to be examined and it doesn't happen overnight - I just hadn't planned it and of course, for someone who has always planned it came as a shock.  I didn't realise that I'd be retired (even though drawing a pension etc) until a month or two back when I took the decision to shut down the business.  In many ways, it wasn't a slow process to do.  No sales = no business = shut it down.  There's no bills to pay (ish) and you just wrap it up, job done.  In the next few weeks the paperwork will go in and that's kind of that.  I'll then just grab the files stick them in a box and write a do not destroy until (7 years later) and move on.

It was the sudden shift from doing what I've always done to doing nothing that was the jolt.  At least I know what it is and can move on from there.

I Guess It Is OK Not To Do Things

It's hot for sure and I will not be getting into my car to do the little bit of fuse replacement I need to - blown 12 Volt outlet in the console - It's an easy enough fix but, at 27 C not so much :-) Likewise, I really could do with doing some garden chores but once again, it is that hot as to not be comfortable either.  So I will not actually do anything involving physical work today.  I now have the gates (the infamous bloody gates) to do a small repair on as I notice two of the bracing timbers are coming away from their supports!  Great - so parts ordered and another thing on the list to do.

But it's OK not to do things now.  I'm retired and so it can wait as I have all the time now.  When I worked it may have meant leaving it until the next free weekend to fit around my other chores! Now I can see that it doesn't matter.

The adjustment is very difficult for me - I have always "been busy" with stuff and chores, projects, work etc.  Now, not so much.  It's whether or not to do anything in the spaces in between or to just let those happen and it bothers me and I need to adjust, acclimatise and get used to it I guess? It's not easy at all.

So my next work in progress is not to feel guilty that I am not doing anything, rather embrace that and work out from there what to do after that, when I've accepted it.

Every Year I Have This Conversation (With Myself)

 Whether to invest in A/C in the house.  For the few days it is like this we work through the 30 C days and 20C nights using my cooling tower and a misting fan plus a few old fashioned office fans.  It was at 5 am this morning that I sort of had the conversation again.  We live in the pitched roof area of our house and it has angled doors and windows making it difficult to site an A/C unit or vent it more over.  So where it's needed isn't the best place to put it.  I could put it downstairs but I'd need a more powerful unit as the house is quite large and would need to cool a large area before cooling upstairs.  

So for 4 or 5 days a year of discomfort is the ROI worth it?  I'll probably still be asking myself this very same question next year!!

Life is very strange for me at the moment.  Irrational thoughts, death and illness, getting old, losing control and independence and many many more.  I'm better than I was last week but it's got so much to do with seeing my mum and her situation relating it to my situation and so on.  I am having to work through it and make various changes to things.  I go between being quite happy and content to the complete opposite and being down and despondent.

Just going to have to fight my way through it I guess. 

Ups and Downs

 No 1 Grandchild is here today which has cheered me up and I got a half decent night's sleep given it was so hot but my cooling fan leaked and so I have a puddle in the bedroom carpter now mopped up!  

I think I know what happened so I just need to check that tonight and make sure it doesn't recur.

Was a bit annoyed that my grandson told me that the world is getting hotter because humans are causing it. Why are teachers telling them this climate porn? It's disgusting as they are blaming children for nothing and oppressing them surely this dogma should be stopped.  

If you know me you know what I think on this non scientific mumbo jumbo and even the climate change people don't spout this bollocks - but you'd need to read their literature and reports (not the executive summary written by non scientists!).  The summaries are then inflated to sell newspapers and gain clicks.  They, politicians and climate scientists cannot tell you any ROI - Return on Investment data because it doesn't exist.  The actions they have taken have made a lot of people very rich and the greater general public, US, poorer.  In the 20 or 30 years that they've promised lowering bills the opposite has happened.  Everything is more expensive because of some hoodoo voodoo nonsense.  Here in the UK we have gone faster and further than most and our reward is the highest energy prices in the world.  And, just to be sure, they slap more taxes on to the stuff with resultant businesses going bust, even higher prices and disastrous results incoming in the future as we import fuel from adjacent oil and gas fields in the North Sea from our neighbour, Norway, for example.  The very same fields, under our feet (well under the sea).  Someone needs to wake the f*** up and stop it but, you know, Socialism.  Mind you the Conservatives weren't much better enshrining this sh1t in law.

As for me, well, I am very much up and down at the moment.  I know I am not right but with the little guy around today that will cheer me up.  The weather is a little challenging and as usual makes you want to invest in AirCon for a few days :-)  Some of the things that I find myself worrying about in short snippets include:

• Getting darker in winter!
• Claustrophobia but not in any particular setting
• Dying, suicide (no I'm not there) getting old, losing my power (physical)
• Getting stuff done, having a plan or not, procrastination

I think it is all to do with retirement, loss of day-to-day work.  A feeling that my get up and go has indeed got up and left and a general lack of motivation.

You retire and the picture is painted of all the things you can get on and do and suddenly, they no longer interest me at all or rather, I just cannot be arsed at the moment.  It sounds terrible and I worry about the loss of the time and effort but there you go.  I'm aware of all of this but I just need to tackle it and work my way through t.  I'm not as bad as I was last week so hopefully I can work through this. 

Life's A Bit Of A Struggle At The Moment

 I am having a hard time of it at the moment.  The retirement conundrum is there and the general life, the universe and all that too.  Suddenly there's no purpose, no easy way out of a trap I suppose, or that's what it feels like.

The stuff that defined me has gone and I wasn't expecting this void and this confusion.  It's not the same as the dark days of last year but it is a constant challenge and it comes and goes and fights logic, what I know, what I care about and so on.  There's a fight between wanting to be busy and doing things (not easy in this mini heat wave) and just doing nothing.  

I am working my way through it but it isn't easy.  The heat does not help - I have the fans but they aren't doing much other than blowing the air around of course.  It would be nice to have air con but where to put it is an issue.

I need to work my way through this phase as it is making me very uneasy and going to see my mum last week was both nice - good to see her - but also upsetting as she is getting old and frail which is upsetting. 

Awake Early Yet Again

 I've got to get a grip on this but the heat last night didn't help - I got my cooler / fan working and managed to wake up around 2 and just about get back to sleep but at 6 woke again, turned off the fan (it's quite noisy) and come down here for an hour or so waiting for the alarm.

My mind is full of stuff that I don't seem to be able to shift.  Seeing my mum getting older and frailer and just the news in general, the prospect of financial turmoil on its way all seem to be pressing down on me and - I think I will have to do what I did some years ago and just move away from social media for a while or maybe only do the basic things on it.

I know and understand that I cannot change things overnight but I wish I could as it is very disruptive and disturbing.  I tend to wake and be almost tearful I'd say and then within a short space of time I feel better and then I'm OK and then I feel bad again and press on through that.

Absolutely everything is "a problem" and yet it isn't really of course.  So for now, I just need to chip away at this.  Having a very hot room also doesn't help much either.  In fact noting helps much but let me see what I can do about it.  I understand where I am with it, I understand the irrationality of some of it, but not all of it.  

I've had periods of my life like this before and I have got through those and so I need to do exactly that once again.

Mixed Feelings - Confusing Emotions

 My trip to see my mother was good and also sad / bad in someways too.  I am struggling with purpose and I am in a strange place.  The problems are those of ageing, of retirement, situation and on how I am dealing with them or in fact how I am not dealing with them.  Once again, I am up early and once again I wake with this melancholy, tearful, no purpose, no direction and a sort of hopelessness that is very unlike me.

My mum looks old and frail and she's lost some of her spark.  She stays in more often and she hadn't been out for weeks until I came and we went out for lunch.  Then we went through some of her paperwork for her funeral wishes and that sort of thing.  We chatted about my situation and hers and actually I came home yesterday with some uplift in my step only to find the house empty and then I did the stupid thing of ordering myself some beers for this upcoming weekend as it is going to be warm and nice!   This is not what I planned to do and I must have a plan to get myself out of this position and into somewhere that is good and uplifting for me.

It's going to have to be small and steady steps.  I realise that but the want to get things done quickly also needs to be considered - it isn't going to happen.  I think the way out at this time is to do the small projects and get them done, achieving these will be the one step at a time Elephant Eating that I need to do.  That along with working on my own lack of confidence and being able to control what I can actually control, I worry too much about the state of the country and the world as I see my world eroded and unlike me, having gone through all the things I have gone through and the suffering of some of that I actually need to check myself and go back to living now, not in the past and certainly not in the future.

Small steps is what is needed.  Little victories, working on moving ever forward.  It's not all going to happen at once and there's no rush or anything like that.  

Off To See Mum

 Awake early as my partner disturbed me.  I was suddenly wide awake but it was around 6 so I just got up and came downstairs.  I'm off to my mum's after breakfast.  A bit of a journey but I will enjoy a few days away.  Maybe it will help get my head together which is the main thing.

I do hate this period of my life as I cannot settle and my mind is buzzing with way too much in the way of thoughts good and bad, serious and mundane.  Let's hope I get to reset when I am away.

I can also get away from this PC and my office and just enjoy chatting to my mum and enjoying her company.  

Meaning, Purpose, Getting Old

 It sort of crept up on me in a way although I've been grappling with this for some while and it probably contributes towards my current state of mind too.

The thing that gave me meaning and purpose is no longer there.  The hours spent trying to get something to work and then sell are no longer there so the routine of getting up and coming into the office and generally working (or sometimes just screen staring) are no more.  That's quite a shock to find that it is no longer there.  Finding something else to do is not without its problem I find and then there's this getting old stuff to deal with.  

I suppose I can always find something to do but I'm not always in the right frame of mind for it and then there's the additional motivational things to get over.  Trying to motivate myself to go out and do some gardening or perhaps to do some maintenance on the house knowing that I'll get it in the ear if I go up a ladder or steps on my own and so on.  I do notice that I do not have the physical strength I used to and yet my brain tells me I can do such things, my body quickly dispels that!

Coming to terms with it all is now needed and trying to work out what replaces those things that had meaning, purpose and that defined me.  I need new goals but I'm not worked out what they should be yet. 

Gosh - Hearing Aids

 I've had them for some years and yesterday decided to try them out in a Lodge meeting which actually worked quite well.  The evening meal though proved difficult and I just need to adjust the levels to get it right.  The biggest problem is the ambient noise in a dining hall or environment where there are few soft furnishings.

The echo and sheer volume of noise is quite daunting.  So I took the hearing aids out, tried the noise deadening inserts which work OK but bring the volume down to a point where I cannot hear through reduced volume.

I will try again today and see if I can adjust them to get it right.

A few bad thoughts circulating this morning but a better night's sleep which was good.  Hopefully I'll get more of that as I begin to control things.

Bringing Things Back Under Control

 My Spider senses are going off all the time but I am keeping things somewhat under control for the moment.  Sleep was better and I tried to minimise social media time before going to bed, I didn't look  at my phone but did try reading a little on my Kindle before going to sleep.  I was woken by something at around 4:30 - possibly the milkman I guess.  I managed to get back to sleep and also when I woke a few hours later also managed that too so that's good as my head wasn't full of stuff.

The current political turmoil isn't helping and of course I really cannot do anything about what is going on other than whatever way we look at it, it's disastrous for the country.  We could not be at a more precarious point in our history and our financial stability as country than to have this bunch of chancers in charge.  Hardly any of them have had a real job most having come up through the political route and none seem to realise the situation before them.  It's awful but we can do nothing about it and some of the things they are proposing are massive self harm, foot shooting stupidity.  Oh well, I need to stop worrying about it anyway  I can do little to prevent it but you really can't make up what a bunch of sh1ts these politicians truly are.  Every time they say or do something they make it worse! 

At least I was able to wander up to the shops and get out of the house for a short while and I am looking forward to a meeting tonight (and one tomorrow) so that will put me in good spirits.  I need to stick some Diesel in the car which may not be so nice given the price of the stuff.  Mind you I've not needed to fill the tank since before Easter.

I am feeling a lot more in control at the moment and can see a way through that's steady and sure rather than trying to solve all my problems at once.

Better Still Awake At 5 Though

 The situation is manageable and I just need to manage it which I am half succeeding in.  Some years ago I found myself in a similar situation and worked through it.  It's a series of things (isn't it always) that each in themselves is manageable but when they merge together appear to provide doom and gloom and make my overactive brain start its incessant computing and over stimulates me.

Let's take a case in point. The current political and financial state of the country worries me greatly.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about that, nothing at all, I know that, you know that and yet I see these idiots driving the train at full speed around a blind curve and we all know how it will end.  But the case is I cannot tell them, I cannot prevent it and yet I worry about it.  Everywhere is doom and despondency and there's so much rumour and false information flying around.  The new media means that this (to call it information isn't right) propaganda and disinformation abounds and you can never know what is right without investigating it and so that's what I do, dig in to the "truth" of what I am being fed.

So my mind is buzzing with research and computational things.  Then my friend got very bad news yesterday from his Consultant, the worst news.  I am already having those thoughts on mortality etc.  I am doing Lasting Power of Attorney stuff and so that focuses the mind too.  So all of this stuff is coming together and challenging me.  

I know that it shouldn't do that but it is an accumulation of worries and stuff that I cannot affect at all - it's illogical of course but there you go.  

I am  planning to go dark on social media and the news and so on.  It isn't doing me any good so I'll work on how I do that going forward and hope that I am able to break this cycle.  I am pretty certain that I can do it but it needs to be sure, slow, steady progress.  As usual I want it all done NOW and that isn't going to happen and I know that.

At least I slept until 5 and then was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours so that's good.  

A Slightly Better Night - Still Bad Thoughts Though

 I was woken up at around 5 by my partner stirring but rather than get up and wander around I managed to get back to sleep within about 20 minutes and when I woke up with the alarm I took that as a small step back to normality.

I am still internally battling with my current situation and it's a series of huge mood swings in and out of being contented to being really distressed about many things.  Stuff that I know I cannot control at all.  The business is, to all intents and purposes, over it's just the dying throes of winding it all up that is required. I cannot control the current political crisis but it worries me watching the current idiots in charge screwing over the country.  I know that I cannot do everything at once, but I'd like that to happen and happen now.

I worry about my drinking and my self isolation and withdrawal from socials and at the front of my mind I worry about the loss of direction and purpose because at the end of the day - running the business gave me that purpose and that incentive to get up and come into my office.

Retirement should be different to the usual day-to-day purpose of my life.  I just haven't predicted the huge gap that is here now and the way that my thoughts left unfocused have turned me into this paranoid, shaking, sadness of present existence.  It's difficult as my INTJ self is trying to make it make sense and all the things that you thought it would be like are commercial marketing fantasies. 

Frozen in some sort of limbo I need to refocus on myself yet again.  I've taken a pounding these past 20 years and I wonder quite what I should do to get out of my malaise and stop feeling sorry for myself etc.  Waves of sadness are sweeping over me - one right now - it's the death one (mine) and those who I love flash before my eyes and yet I should be celebrating our lives not living with this bad thought.  Maybe it's appeared to remind me to not dwell on that? 

The older I get the less tough I am.  I used to be certain of myself, self assured (typical INTJ) and I knew what was needed and got on with it shrugging off the naysayers and so on.  Now I am finding myself quite emotional and I dislike that. Being the "man of the house" no longer exists and starting to lose physical power as I just can't do the things I used to when I was much younger plays on your mind too.

I hate where I am at the moment.  I'll have to work on a break or something.  I'm up to see my mum next week so hopefully I'll come back from that a little more energized and positive - maybe that is also playing on my mind as she has slowed down considerably?