Twenty years ago, or thereabouts when all this began. I do get cranky at about this time of year and of course, the flashbacks happen even if you don't want them to.
The current state of mind is somewhat different and not quite so much deep and dark more shallow and persistent to such an extent that it's with me a lot and is there all the time whereas in the past I'd get a bout of dark mood, black thoughts for a while and then it would go and I'd move on.
This is troubling in as much as I'm not seeing a "way out" as such, feel trapped and yet I know that probably isn't the case. I need to talk to someone other than this blog. The issue is that in talking will I make it worse, will I get an answer that I don't want? Yes I know that sounds strange but maybe I already know the answer and cannot face it?
Small steps are required. I am sleeping better - still up an hour or more earlier than I should or used to be but still almost 8 hours sleep. I've stopped having a beer in the evening too. I need to reinforce how much better I feel in the morning for doing so. Habit is a problem. I like the taste of a beer but I dislike the idea of making a habit of it and so let me see how that goes.
I also feel that I have nothing "to do" that I stripped myself of my hobbies and enjoyment and so that to me also needs to be brought back under control and worked through. I both want and don't want to downsize and wrestle back from all my clutter. It's just going to have to be a slow gradual process and I want it all to be over and perfect.
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