Do you ever feel that? I was doing well and then out of nowhere, awake at silly O'Clock and whilst I managed to doze a bit my OH got up and was moving about and finally around 5:20 my knee gave me some jip and I got up and came downstairs angry with myself for not trying harder to get back to sleep.
I want to go away for a few days for our grandson's birthday and I've lined it up awaiting agreement this morning and now, I don't want to go. Silly reasons, I cannot drive at the moment so I am not in control (I guess), the heat overnight but this is on the coast where it is cooler, claustrophobia in a car with no A/C - first world problems eh?
Yesterday I found out one of my Lodge friends died, just 75 after having been ill for some time. He had been ill, recovered and suddenly relapsed, bless him. Additionally 3 of our widows (of members) also passed in the last week! That hasn't lifted my mood much either. I go from OK to over thinking in phases and perhaps two or three times a day. Now, I'm fine, half an hour ago I was in dread and worried. You know that you cannot worry about something that hasn't happened and when you apply that logic it goes away.
My mind hovers as well, it drops the "I don't want to be here" idea into everyday and I then have to dig my way out of that. It's just the ego and pain body, I know that but it is so destructive I find. It's not even real but it takes over and it only needs an unguarded moment and your sleep will not come and the worry and bad thoughts kick in and of course, that's what the pain body wants. It makes me lethargic in mind and body.
Try as I might, this hot weather makes it difficult to work outside (and in) much as I think that would help me. My new glasses cannot come soon enough as I am struggling with my eyesight and I'm not allowed to drive using my old prescription. It's lucky that I went and got checked out albeit the oncoming cataract doesn't fill me with joy. I guess it will be what it will be and I'm told it's a routine procedure.
So there we have it. The ups and downs of my life as it is at the moment. Lots of reasons and I just need to work through it all. Therapy might be a way forward and yet I know that I already know where I am but perhaps getting away from self diagnosis and running a short course might do the trick. There's a fight going on in my head too that kind of knows what to do but is too damn lazy to do it. Good versus evil LOL.
