Going Out Day Arrives - Will I Venture Out?

 The day has arrived and I am going to take myself off to the meeting and see my friend and hope that I have a good time and leave some of this "worry" behind.

My Cousin's wife called from NZ last night to say he had passed away on Monday.  That was a shock and my other cousin had ended up with Dementia and another has been sectioned after trying to end it all!  That was not a great telephone call across the world at all.  It was very sad indeed. Doubly sad as my daughter is due over to meet them in the New Year on her travels.

I guess that it put an idea in my head that all of my troubles are as naught really and that perhaps I can come around to accepting where I am.  It should be a salutary lesson in my head struggles.  Today I am getting rid of a load of "stuff".  A charity van is on its way to me and I have just packed a load of things up that have sat doing nothing for years and they can be reused and raise funds for charities.  They are doing me no good so they can go.

Now to sort out my clothes for the next one - I have a load of tropical clothes and I am not likely to use those or indeed fit them going forward! 

I am looking forward to going to the meeting and hopefully regaining my confidence in such situations!  Let's hope it starts well!

Not Sure What Is Wrong Overall Even Though I'm Getting There

 Don't look back they often tell you except once in a while it is probably worth a short review.  I did try and work on documenting my Bladder Cancer Journey, bringing close to 20 years into a book and it actually made me feel quite ill.  It dragged up old memories best forgotten, pain relived is not good and I wonder if I am partly carrying around that - I abandoned it when I got to the nastiness of the business issues the tribunal and so on.  Who needed that?

At the moment I am worried / anxious about going to events and meetings.  It sounds strange but it no longer interests me, fills me with dread and I just don't fancy it at all.  I have had this before of course and in July I got to one of the meetings and it was so hot that I could not go into the room.  I can of course choose not to do that.  It's irrational but claustrophobia is back and I dislike that more than I can say.

It plays on my mind but, of course, I can choose not to go.  This Wednesday I am going as a guest to a meeting to try and resolve that.  I know the guy I am going to be with and it is a large Lodge room and a large dining room so I should be OK with it.  It does take me right back to my early days with Bladder Cancer treatment when I would just get all anxious and want to leave the room.  A friend would help me breathe through it.

I need a plan for this and I'm not sure what to do about it at the moment. 

Pass Through Melt Down - That's Better

 Irrational fears I suppose - although it felt real but I finally had a full on melt down and OH was very supportive and the chat we had was needed and it resolved some (not all) of the problems.  I don't know for how long but we both have "stuff to do" and we can sort it out together we've agreed.

So that resulted in a better feeling and a good but not entirely uninterrupted sleep - a mouse throwing itself in a trap didn't help at 5 in the morning I guess! 

So I'm feeling a bit better and the heaviness has gone and I feel a little empty inside so that much of the angst has melted away.  Let's hope we can build away from there.  

Thought - They Came Back To Haunt Me

 Yet again, my thoughts overtook me.  I probably wasn't ready to go to bed and was a bit flustered and awake and so I lay awake for at least an hour, possibly more.  The thoughts then came and overwhelmed it's pretty fair to say but I managed to get about 5 hours sleep when I woke up I disturbed OH and so felt really bad about that and then couldn't really settle back down again and so here I am sitting at the PC and ruing life.

I know that it is unfounded in many ways but there is some background in what is going on in my head.  Normally I can get past this but last night was not to be.  I need to gird my loins and sort this out.

And So It Proved

 I'd worked out what I was struggling with.  I know what it is, I can identify it and yet, boom!  It knocked me for six yet again.  These waves of melancholy - I should be able to identify them and control them but sometimes they just overtake me and make me feel sh1t and then after an hour or so - I feel better.

OH suggests it is because I am intermittent fasting so I perhaps need to look at that and see if that is so.  I perhaps need to go back to eating in the morning more often.  I tend to eat breakfast only on Monday and Tuesday and the rest of the week do not eat until after noon or even as late as 2.  I'll have to see whether that might be a factor! 

Back on an even keel again now and let's hope that lasts a while. 

Retirement Adjusting Is Difficult For An INTJ I'd Say

 A lifetime of planning, managing and doing suddenly comes to an end and almost overnight life has completely changed.  There's no routine other than getting up and going to bed I suppose.  It's as if I've woken up in another dimension and the structure and order and deadlines and milestones no longer exist.  As an INTJ I've been thrown way off course.  

Things that were structured and planned are now abstract I guess?  Transitioning to having little formal structures in place is hard.  Understanding it is harder too.  It shouldn't be but if you weren't planning it, this is all a surprise!  I hadn't planned for retirement because up until March I was still working and made the decision to terminate it all - I had specific business goals to this - an exit strategy for the business but nothing for myself.

Two years of emotional turmoil too have had to be dealt with - the aggression from the business "partner" and legal challenges plus the disappointment from that.  The self fulfilling prophecy of someone who destroys their own business as they did also stacks up the negative energies.

Today feels quite different somehow.  A little light has switched on to suddenly build away from.  There are no milestones, schedules, metrics, spreadsheets (I do like a spreadsheet) reports, deadlines, it's all gone and I miss them.  I miss them a lot.  Perhaps I am grieving for them?  It's the Kubler-Ross ( The classic five stages of grief—introduced by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying—are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). 

I've been through the last two for sure not sure I was denying it but there was anger, anger at the way I was treated.  Not so much bargaining but depression and acceptance which I think is just coming now.  I still feel that "something" is about to happen but in reality what can that be?  Everything is ended and there's no point but, of course, people can be arseholes and it's trying not to worry about it (INTJ planning and risk managing blah blah) which doesn't do any good anyway as we know.

Well let's see how I get on from here?  It feels a better day today and so let's move forward and see if things change for the best?

When You Kind Of Know What The Matter Is BUT

 There is little you can do to resolve it.  Not without risking it all or really upsetting someone else or both or other.  In reality, it is a combination of things that are giving me problems.  

I say problems when of course that is probably not the case at all.  Neither are they "opportunities" either!  

It probably isn't a complex problem(s) but it affects or is caused by or both someone else.  Therein lies the catch of how are they going to react to it all?  Knowing them, probably not well at all.  No one wants to have their "faults" exposed and certainly not as the cause of my anxiety and happiness.

It's a complex problem and it doesn't help that it has built up and I have allowed it to, over many years. 

Quite how I go about this is worrying me, it's a bit like a minefield or one of those fables where the animals (all mortal enemies of each other) have to cross the river in a boat and you have to work out how they manage to do it without attacking each other :-) 

Wish me luck!

The Demon Drink - Perhaps

 I can see now why my father and other "older" people I knew only had a half or maybe a pint in total.  I had three beers last night and when I found I took longer to go to sleep and woke up twice I presumed it was because of that.  No hangover, no headache but certainly after 45 days of not drinking, it was a shock to the system for sure.

I had other stuff on my mind like going to see my daughters and granddaughter this morning.  The youngest has been away on a three month exploration of Canada and the USA as a solo traveller.  She has had a great time and just missed the big flash flooding at the Grand Canyon but was in the middle of the flash floods at Zion national park!

I feel sort of weird about seeing them all I havent seen one for about a year and the other for three months. 

I was pretty much OK yesterday but for sure the alcohol screwed with my brain a bit so I know the answer to that. 

Weight loss has been steady, a good inch off my waist and my neck, wrists and legs are losing the weight but the belly always takes longer to resolve.  It took a long time to gain weight and a long time to lose it too.  Too many want to lose weight in a week or two.  Anyway, hopefully it will continue and I will get further benefits from it. 

Well I Wan't Expecting That Retirement

 To say that was unprepared for retirement is a colossal understatement!  I have been knocked sideways by it for certain and in many ways, added to the horrid way I was treated by my supposed business partner it has all added up to feeling pretty down in the dumps and very very miserable.

It all sounds great does it not?  No more work, do what you like, your time is your own and so on.  Yet in reality if you aren't prepared for that level of change in your life, then it hits like a hammer blow.

I'll explore this more shortly but today I drove OH over to get her car and as usual roadworks workmen put diversion signs up in the totally wrong place and so we spent a while circumnavigating to get to our destination. But, that gave me a little time to do a longer drive home and just take it easy, no rush to get back, stopped off at the shops and bought myself a few beers.  It's been 40+ days since I last had one and after that drive I felt I deserved a beer as a reward.  Let me see if I enjoy it or not.

What has happened is I feel a lot better having got out of the house for a while and so I am sort of happier than I have been for a while.  Not so uptight I suppose and I just realised that I never planned for retirement other than the monetary side of course.  They tell you to sort that out which I have done.  Sorted out the Will, LPAs and so on.  I can spend a little time now I think just getting used to this retirement malarkey as of course, all sorts of deadlines and so on no longer exist and the reminder is "It's all in your head Mr. Tweedy!" needs to ring in my ears.  It's all in my head but these thoughts and problems loom large and it's not as if they are real is it?

Surely I have better things to worry about.  I need to spend a bit of time rebuilding my life and perhaps feeling better about myself.  

Partly Successful - Is There Such A Thing?

 I slept well waking gone 6 which is pretty good in my books and I thought I'd be able to drop back to sleep but no, of course not.  I was working on my breathing and whilst I was relaxed, thoughts kept arising and I'd dismiss those, go back to breathing and again some trivial thought would arise and so after about an hour of this I got up and here I am.  It will only be a few minutes until the alarm anyway.  The crazy thing is I feel tired and I'm yawning to go with it!

It's a bit of a nuisance for sure but it's a lot better than just a few months ago where I was plagued by the bad thoughts.  In some ways, I still am but I can work through these albeit not always.

OH was taken unwell again yesterday and that too is a worry.When trying to get an appointment at the Doctors she was told to use the App (or rather her son was).  I feel that our GPs have lost the plot as she has sight problems!!!  Who are these heath care professionals? 

I lost all respect for them during COVID and afterwards.  They really aren't fit for purpose any more.

Another Good Night's Sleep - Gradually Feeling Better

I managed to go back to sleep and could have slept past the alarm clock too.  That's better and a small part of the problems I've been facing is back under control.

Not everything is, there's still keeping control of the Ego/Pain Body to manage and I am doing OK on that but still need to work on it.  If I can identify what is happening I can control it.  The mind/brain starts to catastrophise the situation and you need to catch that quickly.  Bring it back to right now.  I have visions about not being able to cope in a situation and yet that situation is a month off, it hasn't happened, it's unlikely to happen and worrying about something that hasn't happened and is unlikely to happen isn't a good use or my time.

That's the current fight to get over, that and now living with the loss of my working life.  What I knew for all these years has gone.  Perhaps I am grieving for its loss?  Life has a purpose if only I can now transition to retirement and enjoy it.  It is yet another learning process that has to be lived and journeyed through.  I thought I had it covered but obviously not.

Sleep Returns To Almost Normal - A Little Hope

 That was a good night's sleep, at last.  One disturbance when OH got up and so I chose to as well and managed to fall straight back to sleep, a disturbance around 6 but back to sleep and when the alarm went off I had a cheeky 10 minutes more.

I did get up with a bit of a start as if expecting some sort of action or prepared for something but that went quickly.  Imagine if you will a deadline or expectation of some sort of action required and it felt as if I needed to meet a target or undertake some sort of action, right then.  It did go as quickly as it arrived.

It's about a year ago that I launched the App and had the run in with the business partner and two years since the whole thing kicked off and the de-stabilising affect this had had on me has been massive.  I think I have always been too giving of myself in business and to be betrayed was a massive destruction of my being.

Anyway, this morning has dawned with me feeling a lot better and not with the nagging of the little voice in my head.  That will no doubt arrive sometime today but I feel I can sort that out today and not let it all get on top of me.  I've lost weight, I feel OK inside but want to lose more and it has been around 45 days without a drink and I have no desire to have a beer or a glass of wine at all.  I am down a notch on my belt size and that makes for interesting times as my trousers are at that slipping down stage.

A little hope on the horizon, some of the main issues are still present but I hope to tackle those gradually, it isn't going to happen all at once I know. 

Nag, Nag, That Voice!

 I'm in a strange place this morning.  I did quite well with sleeping and managed a full 7+ hours and then tried to go back to sleep but the nagging little voice came along and whilst I can deal with it some of the time, not all of the time.  So there was a little fight between the Ego/Pain Body and me. 

The problem is that it is a constant nagging feeding doubt and sadness and anxiety into my life that does have an affect on me.  Irrational as it is, the constant dealing with the voice in my head, can be wearisome and get me down.  When I realise what it is, I can deal with it.

The optician said I had eye floaters and now they've turned up, that too is making me feel down.  I can deal with them somewhat how I deal with my Tinnitus and that's another ongoing thing.  It can be in the background but not always.  If I pay little or no attention to it, then I can happily just get on.

However, I am concerned about this current phase of not wanting to do anything.  That's very concerning I have to say.  There's a dread of going anywhere especially if it involves being in a room like a Lodge room.  I need to snap out of that if at all possible.  I know nothing will happen to me but it is the irrational fear that is now part of it.  By association it pulls me up worrying about something that hasn't happened and is unlikely to.

The struggle continues but it isn't overwhelming me like it has done.  I can control it but I just need to be more alert and catch the signs early then I can deal with it.

How Strange - Another Diametric Shift

 Sleep - I awoke once when OH disturbed me.  Straight back to sleep.  Woke up about 30 minutes before the alarm, went back to sleep. Alarm went off I sat up, took one look, felt sleepy and had another 20 minutes!  That's the best I have slept for months and months.

I got up and feel a lot better than I have done recently and in a good mood overall and much happier and chirpier than I have so I'm feeling good this morning.  Let's see if I can maintain that.

It makes so much difference to be in a lighter, happier frame of mind I have to say.  Long may that continue.

It's A Slow Process

 It's quite painful too I think.  Getting back on your feet and it isn't nice and easy either.  Set backs along the way and better moments and without reason, deep lows.

Overall though, it is getting slightly better.  What is worrying is the part where I don't want to participate in anything, do anything, join in with anything and so on.  I'd rather not go to the meetings which are coming up and I'm not overly fussed about that either.  I've cancelled both Dentist appointments as I just don't feel I'd be in a state to go into the room and have someone stick stuff in my mouth and yet it hasn't been an issue in the past.

Going to a meeting with the worry that room will be too small and I won't enjoy it.  I can possibly work my way around that but need to have it planned out so that I can get out if I need to.  This happened years ago and I just need to breathe through it.  But it adds to the worry and that does concern me.

What Now?

 I say that as I have made good progress in sleeping.  I haven't had a beer in 41 days (I'm using an App to track it) and so somethings are better.  Not so much my confidence and claustrophobia but you know, on track and so last night I noticed some patterns (Floaters) in my left eye which is the one that the Optometrist told me had the Cataract and that I had floaters.  Well now I can see them which is disturbing and additionally I thought they'd go but no, they are here this morning.

FFS, I understand these things are age related but it is just another thing to add to my list. I'll keep a monitoring check on it in case it gets worse.

On top of that it looks as if someone I know or knew has passed away and I didn't know.  

Oh the joys of getting old! 

Back To The Drawing Board - Kind Of

 I've gone back to my past today and produced a mind-map of those things that are bothering me.  I've taken out )or will do) some money from my pension and done a review of what I have to do up until December and what my financial situation is.

I can see all the problems I "think" I have laid out as headings and I now need to add to them with sub-topics and see if I can work out what to do about it all.  It makes sense to me this way as it's what I used to do and take my customers through when reviewing etc.

I am not sure if it will help or at least perhaps compartmentalize the problems I perceive I have.  To say things are getting to me is an understatement but, of course none of these have actually properly realised themselves as of yet and so it's like a risk management plan I suppose.

What is strange is the loss of interest in things.  TV and social media but also reading.  I used to be an avid reader but now not so much.  The loss of interest is a little disturbing but I have kept away from the TV for 18 months or more only watching a few favourites, University Challenge, Only Connect, Formula ! and BTTC racing, rugby and the odd programme of interest to me - Reacher, Clarkson's Farm and perhaps a few other that I have forgotten.  The other stuff and the "personalities" and "celebrities" things bore the life out of me - who are half of these people?

The loss of interest doesn't stop there either as I really have to make myself do things and I wonder if that's just this huge crashing down to earth that retirement delivers you when you aren't expecting it and hadn't planned for it (unlike me I know).

Here we are though.  Got to make the best of a bad job I suppose?  

Roller Coaster Doesn't Even Cover This

 It's still going on and actually a few episodes of Clarkson's Farm were enough to liven my mood and I wandered off to bed and had, for me, a good night's sleep.  I was all over the place yesterday and did some work in the garden mainly to cut off branches and hopefully halt the invasion of mice into our eaves space.  There weren't any this morning but a total of 4 in three days! 

I'm feeling anger and despair, sadness and other swings in mood as stuff creeps up on me.  I know roughly what these things are but I lack the plan to discuss these at the moment fearing that it will make things worse! If it were just me and it was in my sole control then it would be something I could sort out but it isn't and I can't!

For now, I am working on how I can best manage the situation but deep down I know what must be done and I am not brave enough to do it or confront (although too harsh a word) it outright.  I can fix it but maybe they don't want to.

Day By Day, Hour By Hour, Minute By Minute

 It's different.  The thoughts arrived in my head as I woke but I quickly was able to breath through them this time, other times, I am not so lucky and I let my Ego/Pain Body loose to upset me.  It is only me that's hurting me!

Yesterday's near meltdown may have been lack of sleep but it was the closest I've been to just lying in a ball and letting it all out and 30 minutes later, I was fine.

It is how it is at the moment. One minute I can be fine and the next, well... Diametrically different and I need to control it.  What I dislike is this voice in my head that nags about when I get older and how will it be?

This morning I woke and for that very short space of time, I was calm and then for only a very short time, the pain body wanted another day of building the dread and there's plenty going on in the world that you can feed on, especially here in the UK.  I guess by the end of this month we will find out as the Budget will be out and let's face it, it isn't looking good at the moment.

Oh well, I can't affect it so will have to wait and see.  Interesting and possibly hard times ahead as the socialists run out of other people's money.  The exodus of HNW people is a sign of the times.  Those of us who cannot just pack up and leave will be left to pick up the pieces.  Troubled times are almost inevitable and none of these muppets appears to know what to do about it and yet, the vast majority do know exactly what.  Blaming us and not tackling the root cause will be their undoing and yet people still sheep like want to vote for them?  I don't get it but then I've always been an outlier. 

It Didn't Get Much Better

 Got to bed early-ish and had a bit of a cuddle with OH when she says, "Can you hear that?" - yes I could, scratching from somewhere in the room.  So got the Red Torch and started to check around the room.  It was difficult to hear where it was coming from but I thought the Eaves space but couldn't see anything in there and the mouse traps hadn't set off and as the noise had stopped.  I settled back down to sleep but 10 minutes later there it was again and so downstairs I went, got my big white bright torch and checked again.  I then placed a series of mouse traps around the room and in the Eaves.

30 minutes later snap!!  Yep got it, a mouse.  There was another but it didn't take the bait and appears to have disappeared now but the traps are out, it's that time of year.  Now I know that you probably don't like traps but these humane traps are anything but and I've found dead mice in them and, of course, you are not allowed to displace animals etc.  The traps are probably the best as it's over and hopefully no distress.

So I cleared that up this morning but we must have lost 2 or 3 hours sleep.  Hopefully we can make up for that tonight unless some more come in which is always possible I suppose.  We tend to get a batch at a time. 

Unfortunately my mood just got worse overnight and I wasn't great this morning.  I've done some work this morning and feel a bit better but not any way am I out of the woods.  I need to face some truths and I'm not ready for that just yet.  

Mind you I cancelled my two dentists appointments this morning for this week as I just felt that I couldn't face them.  Unlike me but I thought I'd get claustrophobia.   

 

Good Grief - What A Bad Day

 Not a dark black day just a total despairing sick in my throat day - close to tears all day long and a feeling of utter helplessness.  I see all the reasons but they were there yesterday and the day before and I didn't have these thoughts.

I cannot fix what I want to fix and I am waiting for a delivery but that's not it either, the problem will be there tomorrow.  All my usual tactics are not operating either.  It really is just ridiculous.  I do not feel like doing anything but want to do something and when I start I dislike it and stop as it can wait and I lose the enthusiasm for it.

It is annoying but very upsetting as today I cannot see the way out of it.  I am going to try and work through it if I can.  It is very difficult today, one of the strangest days as it isn't black or desperate like earlier in the year.  

No doubt I need to sort things out here but it isn't going to be easy and I just need a strategy to deal with it.  What a yukky day.  I've asked the OH to bring in a  bag of sweets on her way home as that might give me a sugar hit and cheer me up.  I hope so, I need out of this mindset ASAP.  

The Slip Ups Along The Way

 Pointless. meaningless and whatever else my mind came up with this morning! I was delighted that I slept through until around 6 this morning but trying to get back to sleep was difficult.  The cause was things like my current claustrophobia which isn't rational I know.  It wasn't actually suffering it but imaging a situation where I might and how to get out of that particular imagined scenario.

Then other stuff came flying in and despite me knowing that there was no substance in them my mind took over and that was it.  OH got up and I decided to get up and come downstairs!  That's annoying as I managed to get back to sleep previously this week.

Whilst I am better than I was, these little relapses just cause more anxiety even though I know there is little substance about them,

Back to the drawing board as they say.

Why The Bloody Big Hole?

 Suddenly (well the last 6 months maybe) there's nothing to get up for, nothing in terms of purpose and an empty space in my body / head where it used to be full.  It is very strange and I am dealing with it in perhaps the totally wrong way I guess?

I don't want to do anything.  Does that make sense?  Nothing truly interests me anymore.  I don't like my "stuff" I don't feel up to reading.  I listen to music but sporadically not all the time like I used to.  Not much excites me either.  I do things to keep occupied, today I fixed the silicone sealant in the wet room and di a bit of maintenance on the sink whilst I was there.  Some mould treatment for an area I spotted will happen tomorrow or another day when the treatment arrives.

I really cannot be arsed to do things.  I promised myself I'd go for some walks and I've only partly done that.  I stopped drinking, I don't know, end of August I guess.  sticking to that.  Do I miss it?  Yes I do but I've lost at least an inch if not a lot more off my waist so why go back to it.  I looked when I went shopping and I just didn't fancy it and neither do I fancy a glass of wine yet I have bottles of the stuff here.

I don't see any "purpose" in life now as it (my working life that is) was how I defined myself I suppose.  The tasks that I could do overwhelm me at the moment yet I can do a little each day to chip away at them I suppose.  I'm happy just to give it all away if I'm honest.  In fact I have a few boxes going soon of stuff I no longer use or want.

I suppose I'll get through this but it needs some effort and enthusiasm which I just do not have right now.  

I do feel like there is a huge hole in my body, hollowed out mentally and physically.  

Better - Small Steps - Slow Improvements

 Things cannot get done in double fast time and I was able to sleep well again last night which is great.  I haven't had a beer for well over a month now and I've lost weight, not where I want to, but the belly is always the last to show it.  I need to lose a lot more but already my trousers and clothes are loose, my watch slides up and down my wrist and so on.

Did giving up drinking affect me?  Maybe, I am not sure, it's not as if I crave for a beer although I do miss the habit I have to say.  There was a certain enjoyment but you cannot regularly drink beer and not put on weight.  Liquid Bread they call it and it pretty much is that.

Sleeping through or just not needing to get up is good.  I get the urge to get up but switch back off so I am pleased with that I have to say.  Steady progress.....