Don't get me wrong, I am so much better than I was and I have moments, minutes even hours without any problems now. It's the odd small things that act as a reminder and halt my progress. Writing about or talking about them is difficult as it rakes up the past and causes me to think about things.
These things are not really things at all they are figments of my imagination. Scenarios that haven't and are unlikely to pan out. It can only be this catastrophic Ego / Pain body that needs attention. All the ugly stuff has passed now, there is no imminent threats to me anymore, no lawsuits no evil old man or his crony shareholders coming after me baying for my blood not actually knowing what they were complaining about, no work in the morning, no real deadlines, no pressing need to do anything. There's 3 or 4 nailed on commitments in the diary up until Christmas and that's it.
I used to work every day on this project and for around 4 minimum to 6 or even 8 hours a day for 7 days and that's all disappeared. Now? Well, there's noting to do, nothing to occupy my mind and bearing in mind I was doing some pretty complex optimization and then sales and marketing too the hole that it has left in my "daily routine" is massive.
I have to get out of all of this strange claustrophobia stuff. I had it early on in my Bladder Cancer treatment and I've always had it mainly travelling on the Underground and overground trains, crowded places etc When I was younger I could get through it. Now, not so much it is a struggle.
Now, here is all this time and space to do with as I want and I don't actually know what to do with it. I've never had time and space like this before. When I was ill I was still working. Crazy as it may seem, having the time to do things and not having deadlines presents someone like me with a scientific, analytic INTJ mind with peculiar problems. I am no longer the human computer that I was the AI of my day so to speak. I'd be solving problems, inventing solutions to deal with stuff that people could't figure out. I'd be the go to guy and now I'm not. Work colleagues are all gone and despite the "we'll keep in touch" very few do and I'm just as bad, I don't either.
This rapid change in circumstances takes so much getting used to but I will get there. I have to remind myself that I cannot and will not be able to get there by next week, it just isn't happening. There is no deadline to getting things done now. I can see the things that I want to do and can get on and do them but in my own time. in my own way. For someone who has never operated in that way before it really is strange.
Reminding myself about these things is also difficult - logic says I can get by all of this. My mind has decided to throw out all those years experience and turn into a wimp! And I let it do that. Enough for today, I need to go and find something not to do for the afternoon!
No comments:
Post a Comment