My mind wants to wrestle with the big questions "Why are we here?" that sort of thing, along with mortality and illness, that sort of thing. What's my purpose, has been on my mind since I lost working and why I got up each day and sat here and worked?
Closing the business down is now under way and I don't see any reasons that it can be stopped or objected to. They've had enough time to object although what to, I'm not certain, I've done everything above board and in line with what is required. You never know though, do you, what these people are capable of?
So as that fades and is almost gone - another month and it should be, I have been struggling with what's my purpose? I've been in a spiral of depression and feeling a bit sorry for myself and re-working my ideas about who I am, what I want to be and all that good stuff. It's not easy and it's not coming together in a plan like state. As a Programme Director / Project Manager type, this is most disconcerting and makes me even more uneasy about myself and what am I "doing here" it really is giving me the feeling that where I once was built on sold foundations, I am now paddling in quicksand.
I am off to see my mother again early next week part of a road trip to drop of my OH and her friend (and pick them up again) which gives me three days with her. I hope that I can come away from that a bit lifted although I do worry about her, her mobility etc.
On my return, I need to get out of this spiralling laziness, albeit the heat and humidity have slowed things right down, to build up slowly and dig myself out of the hole I am in. With a bit of concerted effort I am sure I will be able to do that - it just takes the effort of doing so.
I still haven't got a purpose or any real meaning at the moment but am guessing that as I start to do things and get them done, it will come.
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