Up early this morning, same as the past few days, gone 6 about an hour earlier than 'normal' At least I am not sitting here at 4 or 5 in the morning anymore.
Another insect bite on my shoulder this time to go with the ones the last two weeks have brought. It seems particularly bad this year, the heat perhaps? Who knows but it is annoying to say the least as they (not all) have large red areas around them and are pretty itchy. My UV killer won't touch them as they are more drawn to the smelt rather than UV light. Hopefully tomorrow for a few days a bit of respite from them and with the lower temperatures their numbers might diminish.
So I am feeling OK and the thoughts are subsiding or at least nowhere near as strong or persistent. I can catch them and stop them at the moment and that makes a big difference in how to deal with all of this. I am looking forward (mostly) to going away for a few days and seeing my mum. Not looking forward to dealing with rush hour M25 and the Dartford Tunnel on a Monday morning but let's see how we get on.
At least the weather is behaving itself and is, I suppose, what we consider normal for this time of year. Early to mid 20s C will be fine especially for my mum who lives in sheltered accommodation. I'm staying in the guest suite which is OK as it is out of direct sunlight and seems to be in a cool area of the building.
The interesting thing about the next few days is whether I will carry my ideas into plans and then into action. I've reached that part of the journey where I've gone past feeling sorry for myself, I've seen off the anger and I can now do something about it. It isn't going to happen all at once but I can tackle the stuff I can tackle (if that makes sense) and make a dent in what needs to be done. Specific targets and specific bits of work. SMART we used to say. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound, all part of how you get things done.
My head wants it all done now but that isn't achievable and so small projects are the order of the day and they can be fit the SMART formula and when complete will lead on to the next project. It sounds a bit silly but just cleaning up my desk and going through my paperwork can be part of this. Getting stuff done, no matter how trivial, needs to be tackled and there are hundreds of things to do. These include indoor and outdoor activities and so on a good day I can tackle something to do with the house or garden and on not so good days something inside. It only needs to be something I can tackle in bite sized bits.
I need too to work on myself and my mental situation. There's no point in making myself down again and let's give an idea of the problems (although they probably aren't):
- Winter - dark nights drawing in - I like crisp cold days but I dislike it being so dark all the time.
- Chaos - the house is not how I like to live and it needs to be sorted - my claustrophobia kicks in occasionally - I need order and that isn't likely to happen
- Order - Like the previous point I have always, until recently, lived in a regular, clean and tidy environment.
- Freeing my time up - that is happening but I am torn between wanting to run away and lose all my current commitments and working out whether to take on more.
- Purpose - I now don't have one / any which is giving me the issues I am dealing with. Do I need or want one (or many). I don't know at the moment.
- General Head Stuff - Stopping the minute by minute head talking narrative, the over analysis and the "worry" which tries to predict the future but cannot etc.
- Continued disengagement with Social Media, MSM and so on - it only gives you negative stuff to deal with.
- Health - I must do something about this too - I am not being kind to my body and I know that I can lose a lot of weight and make myself healthier again if I try. It's the "only one" attitude that reverses all my good work.
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