Aches in Places I didn't know I had

Got the call this morning that my plasterer can come and do the bathroom on Wednesday - which meant I had to start work today dismantling the old bathroom.  Many things were sent to try me.  The crap installation by previous chap, the stop cock that wouldn't turn off even with a 2Lb persuader and a proper stop cock gizmo twisty thingy (that's the technical term of course).  Then the bath must have been installed by a midget as I couldn't get to the back taps on it at all!  Eventually had to disassemble from the front back and then found the reason we've had all these leaks for years - the gasket under the taps wasn't there and had been pugged up with some sort of paste.  The pipes were green where the water has been escaping and the wood was rotten.  

I managed to do all of it myself and luckily Mrs. F. is off tomorrow and can help me down with what remains of the bath after I smashed it trying to get it out :-)  The tiles have been put on with something a thousand times stronger than super glue and I had the awful job of having to free the air locks with some garden hose and a lot of wind power, blowing up the taps to get rid of the air lock caused where I've had to cap off the services.  Can you believe that they hadn't even done that simple little step!  Mrs. F. also stepped in getting an isolating valve on the way home which allowed me to solve the final problem I hit and get the water on to downstairs.  We are now washing in the utility room sink which is a bit of a laugh I suppose.  Hairdresser tomorrow so can wash hair in sink and then get on ready for the plasterer on Wednesday.  He will take 2 days which means I can work on the floor on Friday and Saturday and Mrs. F can help me locate the bath on Sunday and we can work away from there.  I have to say that I ache in all sorts of places.  My arms were in spasm earlier as I tried to get some of these tiles off the wall.  Luckily most came off fine above 3 foot off the floor as they were cemented onto gloss paint.  The ones below are directly onto the render and so have variable depths of cement right back to the brick work in some places.

It was a hot and sticky day too so I probably lost a good few pounds in the process - a good thing as I've been gaining a little too much these past few weeks.  Preparation for the Italian Grand Prix is under way and the flights are booked.   I'm excited just thinking about it and it will be nice to go back to Milan and look around again.  We actually fly to Bologna which I've passed through on the train.  I am told it is very nice.  Any how - must get some sleep and hope I don't seize up in the morning!

Direction and Confidence

If you know me you'll know that I'm a pretty confident sort of person normally and I'm known to be  self-assured and know where I'm going and what I want to achieve and where I want to get to.  Well that is until about May of this year and in the 2 or 3 months I've been working out what to do with myself I'm not getting any closer to the reality.

Of course, dad dying was a big impact on my time and my thoughts and perhaps more so now as I reflect on that and also knowing that my dad was a healthy guy and I'm 6 years out on Cancer.  Stuff that happened around that time doesn't cut the mustard and going back to see my old company was like going back to an old favourite seaside town and finding it a big disappointment as it just never is like you remember and dream it was.   It was the time and the moment and you can't recapture that.  I look back to the exciting years building a business in London around the time when the communication and computerisation was really taking off and realise that it was a moment in time, exciting, crazy and in all probability was what resulted in my diagnosis.

I'm working my way through a business idea and doing some research into it.  I was about to do this before I went to the Charity 4 years ago but decided that I needed that particular bolt hole at that time.

For me, having cancer has completely thrown everything up in the air and made me question all sorts of things, it has messed (nearly used an Anglo Saxon word there) with my head in many ways.  I find myself actually wanting to just chuck it all in and go somewhere - I've no idea what to do or where to go, it's just a random feeling.  Some days I belong and others I don't, some days I'm up and some days I'm down, no rhyme nor reason for that either.  Some days I'm fed up with things and the next day I'm fine with them.

There was a certain direction I was following before I got cancer.  I had a reasonably successful business and had finally settled down into the "dream job" - something I had needed and where I could make a huge difference.   Bang - gone.  

Since then I've been in and out of jobs and schemes and businesses and the crazy thing is that I'm still no nearer answering the question now than I was then - what the hell am I going to do with myself?  

I'm not convinced that this research is going to lead me anywhere either at the moment as I can't find the market trends and can't see through all the noise that's out there.  If I get it right then it is a way to go but will I be happy?  Will the life that transpires make me any happier?

I can't seem to work out what I want to do, what direction to go in and that's all to do with different drivers.  By that I mean it isn't money and it isn't what I have now necessarily.  It isn't even to do with the industries I used to work in it;s all to do with health, happiness and enjoyment and whilst I'm not saying I don't have those, I don't appear to have any sort of balance with any of them.

It was all very different 7 years ago :-)  

Up and Down, up and down

It's one of those things I suppose.  I flit between euphoria and depression and it has a lot to do with me being unable to rationalise everything at the moment.  Reflecting on my life, I actually have a pretty good situation.  I can sit here wallowing in my own self indulgent thoughts in the knowledge that I don't actually need to "go to work" tomorrow.  I need to go to work sometime and I need to work out what I want to do with myself.  

I've spent a hot day doing research into the family history business and I can see an opportunity there but goodness me there are so many "amateurs" out there charging less than the national wage and giving their services away.  I can imagine that it is "pin money" for the elderly but frankly so many of them are chancing their arm with this.  I'd like to shake the industry up but once again realise that to innovate in this area you will just p*ss off a load of people.  It appears that if you work really hard at this you can just about be "making a living."

What's the answer?  I haven't got a clue - I flit between one and the other.  Maybe I need to be on the 5:15?

Hot as you like

Humid and little breeze, amazingly warm up in the 30s and that's nice but makes doing any work difficult.  I suppose I ought to be grateful that the plasterer didn't work this week or this weekend I'd be installing the bathroom and tiles etc!  In a small room in this heat it wouldn't have been great.

As it is, I am working whilst listening to Test Match Special (TMS) which is on the radio in the Cricket Test between England and South Africa.  It is an an intriguing moment in the match.  Only we could invent a game that takes 5 days!

So, a nice weekend if a bit sticky.  I watched one of my all time favourite films last night, now on DVD, "Same Time Next Year" in which an extra marital relationship develops on the same weekend every year over a long period of time.  It is pretty tame I suppose in today's terms but I loved it when I saw it years ago and the second watching was just great - they don't tend to make simple, nice, believable films like this any more.

As I progress towards researching and documenting my business ideas, I'm also looking forward to going to Italy for the Grand Prix and later this week a meeting with the lads for our Curry Club organised by Flocky Bicep it should be interesting as it is only going to cost £10 plus beer.  Hope that it is not as warm as today and I can wander down to the local pub prior to going for the meal.

I'm feeling a lot better today than earlier in the week.  It's strange these mood swings - I've certainly had them a lot and when I remember what my dad was like, I suppose it shouldn't surprise me.  Was also a little jealous as some friends of ours just text messaged that they'd left Southampton on a Mediterranean Cruise.  Very nice and they get to Greece and Italy (Venice) so it sounds great.  

As I write this we've just had a shower out of nowhere, huge drops of rain and it lasted all of 1 minute and now we are back to sunshine - strange... 

And there you go - a lot better now

Mostly I get these "depressions" and they don't last a long time but they are destructive and not pleasant. Today I'm a lot better than I was yesterday and no doubt I'll build on this and get back to my normal self in a week or so.

I've started doing some more research now into running another business and that's going to help me focus on some serious work for a while.  I've also been invited to go to Italy in a few weeks time and I really fancy going and although it clashes with a few long standing appointments, I think that I will take the opportunity to go for 4 or 5 days.  I love Italy I have to say and the chance to go to Bologna and Milan and take in the Italian Grand Prix at the same time is too good to pass up I think.

Not quite so morose as yesterday

It's a strange thing, I'm not quite as down as I was yesterday but I'm still not in a great place right now.  I feel that I'd like to get on an do something but my present activity gauge is one of procrastination and disinterest in things.  I know I should get on and do some accounts but I'd rather watch paint dry.  I feel that I should start to look at some business planning or at least some research and yet that doesn't interest me either.

At least today is a bit brighter in terms of my mood and I just need to build on this now and see where I can get to with it.   

A little better this morning

Finding yourself with nothing to do and in addition waiting for something to happen which is completely out of your control isn't a good place to be I've decided.  As luck would have it, as I started this post, Flocky Bicep reminded me that Coffee at Costa was on the cards and I walked up to the local shop - missing the rain - and had a nice couple of coffees.  Not sure I was the best of company - I'm not really great to be around at the moment - I'm sort of not my usual cheerful, funny self at all and I've gone into my Introvert side which I am prone to do at times like this.

I suppose it's that realisation that I'm not now suited to being back in Corporate life any more, I'm too difficult to handle and too much the Maverick to find suitable employment in an ordered and structured environment.  Although I create order and structure as part of my job, I cannot live in a place where I'm doing "business as normal" the same thing day in and day out, I have to be building, troubleshooting or just doing something constructive.  

Coming to terms with this is what's making me the brooding inward looking me at the moment.  Not a great place to be for me or anyone else around me.  I do lift myself out of it but for only very short periods of time before getting back to this mourning for a life that I can't have any more.  Oh well, it's only temporary and I'll get over it eventually :-)

Night out, an unexpected quiz night and some respite

Nice to meet your old school chums and one had driven for about 75 miles to get to us.  Funny bit was he came into the pub and missed us, went to the other pub in the village and then to my house.  I got a call from Mrs. F. saying he was there, where were we?  We were sat, at the bar right next door to the entrance!!!  Three fat geezers with grey hair :-)  He found us on the way back, he had walked through the whole pub and missed the lot of us......

It was a surprise as we normally are just a few at the pub on the 2nd Tuesday but tonight was the local Church Quiz night and so it was rammed and with money going to the local Hospice we joined in and had, as we always due, a great fun evening.  We cam joint 4th on 69 points a full 10 behind the winners but of course, we were all winners.  It seems a very "British" thing to do, having a quiz (trivia) night at the pub.  We enjoyed the laughs and the banter and just having fun with the people there.  It's one of the things we are good at here.  We can make our own entertainment and just have a bundle of laughs doing it.  It's for fun and you can raise some money for charity at the same time, it's what puts the GREAT in to Great Britain.

I was pretty down when I went out but I'm a lot better now that my friends have cheered me up and that's just great.  I'm entering a bad phase, cystoscope coming up, dad dying, me not being "up for" working normally and having to meet idiots all the time.  I find that the stuffing is knocked out of me for no good reason.  As usual when I get into this mood it is me that is the problem and of course it is "my fault" that I've "let everyone down".  This is far from the truth of course and it's a fault of my personality that I can't easily change or do much about.  I'll happily play at "being the victim" whether it is my fault or not.  I lack the real self belief when it comes down to it - I always give the other person the "benefit of the doubt" and I always beat myself up.  It has to be my fault that something didn't happen, my research, my lack of planning and so on.  Of course, it isn't but that's a happy (maybe) place to be?  Beat myself up for some one else's inadequacies?  That's possible too.

At the moment, my dreams are back in beautiful colour and wonderful dialogue too.  Last night I was in Rome and met a young lady who "only needed to count to 5 and know 20 words" to live and work there.  The bizarre arrangements of the Hotel and Conference Centre (for I was there as a delegate) were so strange but then we met up and walked along the river and across the bridges of the Tiber, through to some place more like Brussels and to a Restaurant where, indeed, she needed just a few words to order food and drink.  This was such a strange dream because it was so very real and I woke to still be able to see her blue eyes, freckled blotchy (almost) skin and pretty face.  

I'm just in a strange place at the moment and I have no idea what the dream meant but there were hints of past business life there and perhaps some sort of subliminal message?  I want things to be comfortable, low stress, low maintenance and to be special and meaningful, fulfilling perhaps.  I wanted so much to accomplish great things in my life and to make a difference and maybe that still may happen.  I felt that I'd done as much as I could to make this happen and yet I'm nowhere near that goal and have to perhaps look to accomplishments closer to home.  

Those would be my daughters I think.  I'm in absolute awe of them both.  Here's today's awe moment and I'll blend in one more as I go.  My dad saved up separately to provide his 4 grandchildren with some money when he died.  It isn't a great deal but I'd term it significant for a 22 and (just turned yesterday) 19 year old.  Neither of them were "happy" to get the money at all.  I had to explain that I'd sat down with the Nan and checked the accounts and that she would be OK and that she had enough money for food, fuel and so on :-)  To me, that meant SO much and yet it is perhaps not such a big deal.  The same happened when my mum said that she wanted them to have a "little keepsake" to remember Granddad by.  They didn't want anything as they didn't want Nan to spend any money on them at all.  I could have cried when they said that.  We are only talking about something small, a few tens of pounds.  As Dad never really would have had anything that the girls would have wanted they were just being themselves.

So there you go a bit of a "Ramble on" tonight - too much happening in my life and I'm just not in a great place.  Roll on some more nice dreams though even if I don't understand what they are about.  I hope to start working on my attitude again tomorrow, I need to get out of this self doubt and low self esteem phase - I'm so much better than that.

Pah!

I used to have a small poster on my desk at work and it ran along the lines of "Each and Every Day I am Forced to Add Someone to this List of People Who P1ss Me OFF!!!"  And there was a list that I could continue to add to and it went over one sheet.

Today, a chat with my business partner and we sort of agreed that we have to deal with a hell of a lot of idiots and "small" people.  This is upsetting as it appears that 95% of the people I have to deal with are just parochial, small and narrow minded f*** wits.  I thought Friday was a case in point where I'd developed a method for ensuring customer satisfaction and they still were having problems so I asked whether they were using my system.  They were.  So I was surprised that they were still having problems until another question weeded out the fact that they were only using half of it (that suited them) and that they were leaving out the customer satisfaction stuff.  No - they didn't get the irony of that at all.  They had read without understanding and cherry picked the bits that suited them ignoring the customer facing stuff.  No doubt it was too difficult or didn't seem valuable and yet it was the constant in their current difficulties.  Which was also Ironic as they told me they were having these problems and yet after 30 or 40 minutes they didn't have those problems at all.

Is it any wonder that I feel down when I spent a long time doing something to tackle a problem they had 6 or 7 years ago only for them to go back to the same mess they were in back then?  Sometimes you can't believe the people at the top who run these organisations.

So I'm feeling a bit annoyed that so many people want to resolve their problems and you come up with a way of doing it and they don't want to do it!  Many times this comes at the expense of the people who work there who lose their jobs over this management inaction or unwillingness to tackle the problems they have.  On a similar note it was interesting to see one of the businesses we know quite well on TV last night demonstrating how good their stuff was for the Olympics.  A colleague won them the business and his reward was to get shafted by the business who just saw the £s & $s in their eyes.  They finished on time (a miracle) but, and here's the rub, they haven't got any business to speak of from here on.  They put it all into delivering this and as they got rid of the sales guy, they have no pipeline.  HELLO!!!!  We all know where that's heading.

So I feel a bit angry and a bit down about this at the moment, I've all these strategic skills and planning etc are my forte but hell, why do I have to keep meeting and working with such people. They don't garner respect, they only listen to the bit they want to listen to, they are completely up themselves and have no real vision or interest.  Arggghhh, sometimes you just despair!

It doesn't help my well-being or my self-esteem much and I'm just having to get to terms with this frustration at having to talk to these idiots all the time.  Yes - of course it could be me :-)  I thought it was amusing once again on Friday when the chap implied that as I hadn't done their sort of work for 6 years that the work I'd done running the business and also in the charity weren't relevant?  I suggested to him that perhaps managing a company also meant that he couldn't do it either and that he would have forgotten how to do accounts as that's where he had come from beforehand?  It's exactly because I have this level of experience that I can be parachuted into companies and sort them out.  Oh what the heck.

I just need to get over the disappointment - Lord knows I had enough of it with the team for the last venture who didn't come along and commit?  I should know by now, everyone for themselves.    

The Dog - that frightened whoever or

whatever was outside - I tell you it frightened me and I was resting quite nicely in my office when the dog, here on a 3 day visit - an ex guard dog, Clyde the Rottweiler is actually a bit of a cutey pie and a little bit shy but whatever drifted past the front door got a bit of a shock :-)

L and her friends are out "clubbing" in London tonight - not sure what time they'll get home but I imagine the dog might make a sound on that one too.

I'm not feeling great again today I was all wound up ready to do the bathroom but that's on hold and I'm trying to get myself motivated to do some accounts and to sort out my plans for a new business or to go work somewhere but once again I just find myself battling with these demons and whether I really want to go back into full time employment, run my business or start a new one or to perhaps do something a bit different.  I'll have another think tomorrow and see if I get anywhere.

False start - totally messed up week

The best laid plans and all that.  It was good that the Plasterer called and halted me ripping out the bathroom but as you might imagine the house is ready to go, I have two rooms full up with tiles, bathroom hardware, wood, screws, drills, diamond saws and so on.  I'm sitting here after having a listen to my Isles of Wonder CD, wonderful memories.  But then I'm really stuffed and I had my days all planned out.

Now as a Project Manager I should have had a contingency plan(s) worked out and indeed I did have if it was a one or two day delay but now it could be longer and everything is up in the air.  It's a pain but can't be helped I suppose.  I'm working out what I can get tucked into and know that I may start something only to drop that when the bathroom comes back into being again.

With any idea of working with my old company dashed on Friday, I find myself wondering what I might do from here on in.  It is difficult to analyse it all at the moment and I was at one time convinced that I'd be able to get back into the special area that I'd developed with my old company, especially having "written the book" for them.  It was amusing, looking back, that they couldn't get customer "buy in" but then they quite gleefully showed me that they were only using the first three steps in the 6 step process I had championed.  Needless to say, the last 3 steps are all about the customer experience, "buy in" and follow on work, the areas they struggle with :-)  You can't make it up sometimes!

I've got my cystoscope to come in a few weeks time and the results of my CT Scan and so that will be a milestone of some significance I hope.  I'm back to questioning it all again and that's because I've lost my focus today - just when I was ready to go and get stuck into renovating my bathroom.  Now that's not going to start for sometime, I'm sort of drifting along again.  I've found something I can do, not exciting but nevertheless it should occupy me for a day or so.  I've only one more set of accounts to complete and I've done most of the Donkey work but now need to sort out the balance sheet which isn't looking great.  I can't quite see why it doesn't balance but just need to knuckle down to it and spend some time double checking it.  I can then get the auditors in.  I also need to get my other auditors in for the other accounts.  With the dining room table groaning under all my tools and equipment it will be interesting to find a flat spot to sit down and review them :-)

Early morning call

Bad news is that Mr. Plasterer now isn't coming - he has some problems and his mother isn't at all well and a call overnight from the Hospital got him to call me early to make sure I didn't strip out the bathroom.  Have to say whilst I'm disappointed about that at least it wasn't a call once I had stripped everything out!  I'm getting minor grief about that already and it hasn't happened yet!

I was hoping to do that this week as a bit of a distraction.  

Yay - Olympics

Mr. Bean in the opening ceremony, Eric Idle in the closing - who'd have thought it....

Well, what can I say?  A few dissenters wanted a lot more music at the end but then again we had plenty in the beginning - a good games and full houses and lots of support for all the athletes.  

Got the call that Mr. Plasterer is coming in on Wednesday morning to do the bathroom so delivered the bad news to the family.  After showers tomorrow morning it's no more home comforts until at least Saturday if not Sunday depending on how well I can remember waht I used to do 30 years ago :-)

Feeling OK about this - I need an "outlet" for myself for a short while.

Am I unemployable?

Sounds strange but I realised that yesterday was one of those days where someone who had a title and ran a business (good for him) did not match up to the respect that I gave them on first meeting them.  By that I mean that I have a healthy respect for authority and I always start by demonstrating that.  Some people mistake that side of me as weakness and yesterday, listening to this chap rattling on I realised that this wasn't the meeting of two like minded individuals.  In fact this was that typical "British" and sometimes "French" 1970s industrial revolution type Us and Them attitude.

I find that way of dealing with people totally out of my orbit.  I do find myself doing it but only after I've got to the end of my patience with someone.  You have to go out of your way to do that.

So this guy was never wrong and had no problems and the issues we talked about weren't happening.  Which is a bit strange as I know they are and that was why I was there so once I started to stretch my legs a bit and demonstrate my bona fides it was quite amusing.  All that happened was it became an entrenched discussion, no matter what I tried to do, there was no space to do anything so I just went on the attack and replayed the issues that had got the company into trouble in the first place (the growth issues that they are having now) and of course I also reversed out as who would want to work with people who don't understand the value you bring to the table.

This threw up a worrying trend in the way that I deal with this sort of stuff.  I don't actually care.  I didn't care whether I got this gig or not.  If I had, I would have done well for them, as it is, they don't feel they need to do anything and that's OK too.  In fact I left them saying it was nice to meet them and that I was glad that they were able to manage on their own (not exactly those words).  Whilst I might get upset at the way people deal with me, it underlines a bigger problem - one that I've always had - and that is people need someone like me to get things done but they really don't like the way I get things done.  Not that I'm difficult to work with but I do get my own way and I do get jobs done and obstacles are removed and if that's people, well so be it.   Everyone wants a "Strong" manager until that is they actually get one - suddenly they find that the medicine is too bitter.  I am almost sure that I'm "unemployable" these days mainly because the interviewer soon finds themselves out of their depth or digging themselves into a hole.  If they did 5 minutes preparation it would help.  I suppose though no one likes to meet someone (like me) who is brandishing a copy of their latest accounts and share holder details and starts to ask difficult questions.

Oh well, back to the drawing board (do they still use them?) and onwards and upwards.

Bitterly Disappointed but not Unexpected

I could see that one of the guys needed me to come back and sort out the problems.  The other guy didn't know me, hadn't done his homework and played a series of - well - how shall I say this?  Stupid cards.  Some crass questions were asked, they hadn't read what I'd told them to and they told me all the reasons that they were doing well and at the same time all of the reasons that they'd never be a great business.  

Suddenly it dawned on me that this lovely company I knew and loved hadn't really made the massive industry jump they'd predicted because they'd dumbed down when they needed to step up and understood the value of what they had.  This made for an interesting "difference of opinion" about the value proposition and why they'd asked me in, in the first place!

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, I was very down about it for a while until I realised that this IS the way it is going to be from now on.  I'm hoping not to sound too vain but I think I've been around enough major businesses and programs to know a thing or two.  I thought it was funny that this "young guy" started questioning my credentials and within a few moments I'd blown him away with the global work I'd done and the major businesses I'd worked for.

I did though, after a few minutes, go for the jugular and it was obvious he had no job available, that he wanted "something for nothing" and hadn't bothered to check me out.  He was a bit disturbed when I suggested that the way they had allocated the shareholding would make it a bit difficult for major businesses to deal with them especially as there was £2 of called up....

So I came home, grabbed a six pack of beers and spent the afternoon and evening feeling very down.  I really wanted to go and make a difference to these guys, I have good karma with them (or did have).  I'd always warned them that they were a tiny technology business tucked down the end of a country lane in the wilds of Yorkshire.  Today, they proved that they still are stuck in that rut they were in 6 years ago.  Of course I wish them well but they showed no signs of wanting to go and tackle the big boys.  What a waste.

As for me - well - that's taken out another avenue for me but I'll bounce back over the weekend.  I'm disappointed but not surprised by this.  I really have come a very long way in 6 years..

Excited maybe

I'm looking forward to meeting up tomorrow with these guys from my old company which has now transformed a fair bit since I was last there.  It's an interesting time going back to where I was quite happy albeit where I also had some insight into what was coming down the line.  It's one of those jobs where they get you in for your experience and background and for your strong management skills and then don't actually listen to you properly or consciously ignore your advice.

That said, I departed on good terms and did a fair amount of work but it appears that the work I did do wasn't implemented or perhaps because not one of the original team remain, it has gotten lost in the system and is gathering dust on some hard drive somewhere.  This is an opportunity to resurrect that work and to get involved again with them.

I'm certain that it will be a good discussion anyway as I know exactly what problems these guys will be having which was why I was brought into the business in the first place and then, having got there, I got bladder cancer.  Unbelievably that was 6 years ago!  By the time I was back to working again I was a bit of a mess and had lost my confidence and had lost control of my place on the greasy pole that was the "politics" of the job.  It appears though that the new management and owners have put in some sensible people and that they now have a stable organisation that needs some decent people back into build it.  I sense an opportunity to get back to what I really enjoyed and what I did really well and I always did describe it as my dream job as I was able to bring all my experience to bear.  Sounds familiar to an earlier post about what to do next?  It sure does.

Strange how the disappointment from one situation led to me asking a question which led back to a position that I was in 6 years ago.  Life can be pretty surreal sometimes.. 

Fine line between happiness and being down

I pulled a blog earlier on this week as it was very glum and downbeat and was full of doubt and was one of those written in the depths of feeling very down and at that point where you don't see a way out and you feel that everything is stacked against you.

Today I'm totally on the other end of the scale, I'm going to be talking to some people whom I can make a huge difference to their business and I'll be able to re-do (by the sounds of it) the stuff I originally started to do for them.  That will be a challenge but a good one.

Of course this too could go wrong but let's see what happens.  I have the opportunity to have a good discussion with them tomorrow and see where we go from there.  

This is typical of the swings of mood I get (or have had since Bladder Cancer) and it's just one of the things I have to deal with constantly.  At least this time, I know the people, understand the problems they have and know how to deal with it.  

Good a meeting on Friday

It's going to be a bit bizarre if you think about it.  In May 2006 I got the job I'd always wanted in a company that I'd always wanted to work for and then a month or two later - BANG - along came Mr. Bladder Cancer to knock the wind out of my sails and ultimately it, together with some people who I did warn had over-estimated the business pipeline, served to make me redundant.  It was an obvious thing to do and I held no grudge about it as it did mean that others kept their jobs - you may have to look at blogs from January 2007 onwards to see this.  

Well, it looks as if things have turned around fully and I find myself back in discussions with them once again and having the same conversations I had in April 2006 about how the products and the services could be improved.  This will be interesting as I did a hell of a lot of work on this at the time and it appears that the problems we discussed then are now coming home to roost as the business picks up.  Unfortunately of those who used to be there that I know of, many are abroad, retired and one superb chap died of Brain tumour - so sad, he was a remarkable person.  Others have set up other businesses and so I'm probably one of the only people left around who has the background to do this.  

It's funny how stuff like this comes around as I was pretty upset, if I'm being frank here, about the awful way my application was dealt with for the other job, especially given who they were and their supposed professionalism.  This came about from a flippant email I sent which just asked whether they were interested in discussing me getting involved again - they did say they were but not much had happened so I thought I'd ask the question.  

Nice to see I've got an interview / meeting on Friday and managed to get middle of the day to miss the Olympic rush.  At least I'll see if there is anything concrete in this.  It would be good if there was as I enjoyed the challenge last time and it was mainly my illness that stopped things happening and me not being able to identify some of the silly stuff that was going on whilst I was away from the office.

I delivered my urine sample to the Hospital and had a look in to the blood samples area but it was hot and full of people so I decided I can do that another day and had a few coffees with Flocky Bicep which was, as always, quite pleasant.  It makes my mum laugh as she thinks I am going out for "Girlie Coffees".  I suppose that is quite a strange thing to do to many older people.

DInk - the game changes once again

I thought this morning, what the hell, I'll just fire off a speculative email about a job that someone suggested to me a month or two back that I thought had gone.  It's part time, it pays reasonably well and it is something I enjoy doing.  I got an email straight back and a meeting on Friday.  The trouble was that I was expecting the plasterer on Thursday and Friday but he luckily cannot attend until next week which means that I can have the chat on Friday after all.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained so to speak.  I know that there will be bits of the job I won't like but, if it is anything like I used to have, there was enough flexibility to arrange suitable meeting dates, ability to work from home and many other things.  In fact, it was my dream job, the one I had when I got Bladder Cancer.  Except that this time, I can probably do part time, freelance work which will suit them and me.

So that pleased me and frightened me all at the same time.  I imagine Friday will be a bit hectic up in town but I've suggested late morning which will keep me away from the crush.

I'm meeting up with Flocky tomorrow for a coffee and will go via the Hospital to drop in a urine sample and if the Phlebotomy department is open and there are no queues I shall have my bloods done at the same time.  Mind you, only if there is time - at least I'm not on a fasting one which is a pain in the backside as you have to wait ages for a test first thing in the morning.   Last time I did one I got in trouble for overdoing the fasting - so I complained about the amount of time you have to spend waiting around.  It's easier to starve and go in lunchtime but it doesn't appear to do much good for your results which needed re-doing.

Anyhow, things look a little interesting with this possibility on the horizon.  Looks like the bathroom may not be under way this week which is sort of OK excepting that L returns from holidays and so next week will be "interesting" as she is also bringing back a dog to stay for a while.  When I say dog, it is a Rottweiler which fits large mammal in my book.  I don't like dogs, or cats for that matter and so I'm keeping well out of the way.

Square One

It's a strange thing but I'm right back to the beginning again.  I wasn't successful in the job I went for but you tend to know when it wasn't a "real" job as the reply was disrespectful and they obviously hadn't read through the CV etc. properly as they hadn't referenced it (like you would).

That's now brought me back to where I was before and that's hating the idea of working for anyone other than myself ever again.  I just find that the people you have to deal with are sh1t and no one really deals with people in a nice way any more.  

The trouble is that I'm dithering about what to do.  There's lots of fanciful ideas and the chance to go do something that's more "lifestyle" than working like a "slave".  I need to consider the options or should I say reconsider them as I did start off doing this and got distracted by the possibility of a job elsewhere.  That has soured my outlook or in reality just brought it back to me how much I abhor working for people who don't really care about you.