Cancer And It's Impact On My Life

I thought about this the other day and realised that I knew that if I survived that I'd end up here, where I am now.  By that I mean split up from my wife and looking at life a little differently.  

There was an article I think I put it up here in January about divorce and what lay beneath the problems and how this journalist suddenly realised that she was undermining her husband and it struck me that in many ways this happened with me.

Low key could best be described my Cancer diagnosis, operations and treatments.  Don't get me wrong my wife helped me through all of this and took me there and back and lived with my dark depression and my black sense of humour.  But it isn't her well not her of later years.  I was commenting with a friend of mine who felt that I was henpecked.  Far from the truth but I got more entrenched with each loss of my position in the house.

Things gradually migrated from me to her.  Mowing the lawn and just about every chore even my job of cooking Sunday Lunch gradually got taken away from me.  I just retreated into a silent world of computers and reading or listening to music.  As I grew further away so I gave up more and more until I finally came to the decision I needed to come to.  

Although I felt no one took Cancer seriously I was in for a surprise last year when everyone was upset as they thought it had come back.  I saw that it impacted on my children far more than anyone let on.  Maybe they feel I've just kicked them in teeth but for my own sanity leaving was probably the only real option.  I like the idea of getting myself back to the person I was before Cancer and to the fun loving, carefree person I was.  I like the fact that I'm building my business and I'm enjoying my freedom most of the time.  Thirty Two years is a long time to live with someone so the wrench is taking a bit of getting used to.   It's over 7 weeks now and I really am getting into the swing of it now.  

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will be "selling" the business at a Business Breakfast meeting and really I should be in bed by now.  I've actually been chatting online to a friend and I'm quite excited by the chat we've had.  She has just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that I lent her.  It is refreshing to hear her recent changes in life and attitude.  We often meet up four of us but that's not going to be possible now as she takes on a new career challenge.  Somehow I'm trying to put together a meeting that she can meet up with us again - difficult.

Life has taken on a new meaning to me but I'm still not out of the looking over my shoulder or wondering whether I should be doing this or that :-) It is strange not having Mrs. F. around but I'm getting used to it.... :-) As You Do....

A Different Sort Of Day

I got a bit of a shock as I found that my daughter A had been to Lisbon and whilst I knew that someone was going what I hadn't expected to hear was that Mrs. F. and A went.   Now I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised about that but it did give me a partial wobble for no especial reason.  In many ways I'm pleased as I know she met up with a friend a while ago and now she has gone for a long weekend to Lisbon - a place we had promised we would go to! 

I'm pleased for her and of course it does mean that perhaps she is coming to terms with things and at least getting out and about - perhaps it means that we can start having some serious conversations about the future now?  

It's been 7 weeks yesterday and I'm enjoying it still with the odd tinge of regret of course.  I find that just every now and then I think about my big house and home life but I just replay the reasons why I'm not there and I feel OK again.  I certainly haven't enjoyed some of the "old age" flashbacks or flash forwards I suppose and this is to do with my dad and his last days more than anything else.   There's a bit of me that is wondering where it's all headed - which is funny because half the fun is not knowing where it is headed :-)

I've been able to leave my old house and village and not miss them.  That's a strange thing I thought I'd be homesick but I'm not, I like it here.  I do have roots around here but would I be prepared to go out further or somewhere altogether different?  I'll have to wait and see.

I'm up at the crack of Sparrows tomorrow to attend a business meeting that starts at 6:30 !! Luckily I'm much nearer to the location than the last time I went in November.  I've actually done an Elevator Pitch for the meeting itself so it will be interesting to see how it goes down.  

Thats Better - More Concentration And Less Thinking

It's been a good day so far.  I've really cracked on with some work although I find I can't do three things at once :-) I need to concentrate on my business plans but I'm also doing some of the learning work too and actually the two aren't compatible at all :-)  So tomorrow I will have a paperwork day and today can be my practical day.

I learnt some interesting things about scanning today.  I could have spent almost $90 on a gadget for my scanner but paid only £8 for some magnets which, assembled properly actually do the same job :-) Yay!  The power of the Internet is generally someone has done it before and are willing to share how they did it with you.  

I have some very strange shaped negatives which are giving me some grief to scan but once again I'm sure the Internet will come to my aid :-)

I found myself looking at scans of my two girls and Mrs. F. and myself from years back and I had to fight back a few tears when I saw my eldest A in her Angel costume for the Nativity Play.  I DO miss the girls now and haven't seen them for a while although to be fair I have actually seen them but they haven't come here or met me yet.  They haven't seen the house either.  Oh well, I hope that they'll come around - it feels like they don't want to see me but that's me being paranoid I reckon.

I am feeling like I am almost there now and can launch pretty soon.  I have enough scans under my belt but not enough video conversions (using my computers) as of yet.  A few more weeks and I reckon I will be able to launch things properly.  Fingers crossed.

Not So Bad A Day

I cracked on with the little job I was doing which is now complete.  So far, so good.  It's  interesting as I priced the work up and it took just under a week in duration (not effort) and would have paid a fair rate too.  So I'm pleased about that.  I need to hone my skills but of course, that's what it is all about and tomorrow I can get tucked into some more hard graft and try and improve the throughput workload.  I still need to be able to quote for the work and win it of course.  

I'm going out on Thursday to represent the chap that has given me use of his postal address for my business.  I need to do some work for that as well.  However, I don't think that will be a problem either.  

I now need to see if I can get a good run at the documentation I need to produce.  It isn't easy doing the house and work at the same time.  Tomorrow I will give it a good go though and see if I can discipline myself to work right through rather than have so many interruptions.

Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.

Shout Out For Steve

For Steve K who has his Flexible Cystoscopy tomorrow 17th March.  So far this year everyone has had positive news and so now here's hoping that continues.  

Prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers all welcome.  

No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

ALL CLEAR ALL CLEAR

All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.

Problem Solved

It was driving me nuts as I knew my scanner was faster than it was being with me.  I found out why - a good night's sleep  was all that was needed and a fresh look at the problem.  A few experiments earlier today and voila - problem solved.  I had asked the scanner to do a little too much processing prior to displaying the results and this morning - I got back to the levels I was expecting and thank goodness for that - the business looked completely unviable using the previous settings :-) I could have been drawing my old age pension I reckon :-)

I am feeling sort of OK about tomorrow's poke and peek.  I find these things a little daunting of course, who wouldn't?  But it is at a Private Clinic so parking should be OK.  I'm going to leave early and just spend time in the car park - I have music and I can work with my Lenovo Yoga touchpad and listen to music as well.  This time tomorrow it will all be over for another x months - I have yet to see what schedule they've put me on.

I just hope that they are a little more gentle than last time as I was "pissing razor blades" for a good few hours.  I certainly hope it is my Consultant who will see me.  She is gentler than the last two who have done me.

I've also now got my new editing software for videos and Blu Ray - it looks pretty good so far.  I am hoping that I can realise the authoring of these DVDs with perhaps a little advert to commence and then a menu and that they will take less time to assemble and burn - it certainly looks like it so far.

Flashbacks

I get these every now and again.  This one was rather different as I was walking to the Post Office - an interesting walk involving crossing the rail tracks!  It was sunny, mildly warm and there was the faint smell of blossom in the air and it reminded me of my first house and how exciting it had been, that amazing feeling of the beginning of a new journey and a new adventure and being full of hope and looking forward to my life.  Of course this was with Mrs. F. at the time and I came across some photos of us in those early days.  How things changed and how sad I felt that we should have ended up like this.

I was sad because I can imagine how she feels but then again, I doubt she imagines how I feel.  I was happy enough today otherwise.  Of course apprehensive about Friday but that's only to be expected really.  I know that I feel well and that things appear to have been going well.

I find myself in a good frame of mind but I find that I miss my friend H very much - we are in touch but haven't met for 8 months or more now and she means so much to me.  Maybe we will get a chance later this year?  I'd like to hope so.  No - it's not what you think :-)

The business is keeping me busy but I find, like most things these days, there's always something that doesn't quite work - my software needs upgrading as the stuff I have doesn't quite do what I want it to.  No problems just means I need to do some more practice that's all.

Doing the work and running the business is going to be interesting I think.  I haven't tried (yet) but will do, running concurrence tests for video and scanning and perhaps editing and burning all at the same time to see how it goes.

Things are a little frustrating as the software never is intuitive - either that or I'm thick :-)  It's a matter of trial and error and documenting the best way to do things.  It will all come out in the wash as they say.  Speaking of which I did my ironing today and I'm getting quite domesticated.  

Ramping Up Ready For Friday

I bought my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol today along with some bottled water and have got my stress balls out ready, charged up my MP3 player and got my bag ready.  I always did like to get things sorted early.  I'm not as cranky as I thought might be but I definitely feel a little apprehensive and yet in many ways I am confident that I shouldn't have a recurrence.  I just hope they don't thump into my bladder wall again and make it look like a false positive that would be annoying. 

I've done my washing and shopping today and we've got rid of loads and loads of cardboard and rubbish.  I'm just waiting now for Flocky to give me the go ahead to put my stuff in the Attic and I can almost be clear at last.

I've been doing some more experiments today setting up Camcorder to DVD burner and to PC and changing aspect ratios and burning discs.  It's all part of a learning curve.  I wish that I had documented this a few years back when I did it last time.

A BBC Report on Bladder Cancer

It is often the case that I talk to people about bladder cancer and they are unaware of it and don't realise that, in men, it is the 4th most prevalent cancer overall it is 7th in men and women.   
The article "Why is no one talking about bladder cancer?" starts to address this.  What is surprising is that survival rates aren't going the way of other cancers.  It is very treatable with the right surgery and drugs.  It shouldn't be a mystery but it still is.

Scanning FInally Gets Underway

It's fun to start to learn how to scan in a variety of items including photos, negatives and slides.  It sure takes time to get into the groove but then I've only been doing it this afternoon.  Finally my office is becoming a production centre.  There's just too little space compared to my old home office.  Mind you, this will do I just have to be very clean and very tidy that's all.

It is strange how Friday is looming large in my mind but I shouldn't be worried as I have no symptoms or at least I don't think I do.  Let's hope that it will all be clear once again and that I can get on with my life and have that behind me.  It's no use worrying but the flashbacks aren't great at all.  I don't know how you ever stop those.

I do like being in the present most of the time - I can see that it is a bit difficult to always be there as it would be good not to worry about things.  I am not worried at the moment about anything other than changing my lifestyle a little bit more and losing some of the weight I gained over Christmas.  I am losing it but I just need to make sure that I don't have too much beer.  I seem to have been out drinking for weeks although it probably isn't.  

Anyway - let's see how I get on on Friday and take it from there.

Sugar - Once Again

HERE  is an article in the Daily Mail - not my favourite newspaper but nevertheless this is worth reading.  The subtitle is "For four decades we've been led to believe that fat is the ultimate food enemy, but we've been fed a lie: the real danger is sweet, addictive – and found in almost everything we eat"

It is one of the biggest things I could ever recommend.  Stay away from the stuff it's pretty nasty as are most of the Carbs we shove into our bodies.  

Here are the key opening sentences:

"So what do you know about eating and getting fat? If you’re the average British person then it’s probably something along these lines: eating too much fat will make me obese, clog up my arteries and lead to a heart attack, so I should follow a low-fat diet and eat lots of fruit and vegetables.

Wrong. While you were busy fretting over your saturated fats and dietary cholesterols, there was a far more potent food nasty lurking in your kitchen: sugar. The amount of sugar we eat is now being blamed not just for the obesity epidemic but for heart disease, type 2 diabetes and soaring cancer rates. It’s not just the excess calories we’re consuming; the problem lies in the way we metabolise sugar.

‘We have been sold an absolute lie about food and health,’ says Zoë Harcombe, nutritionist and author of The Obesity Epidemic. ‘It has been put about since the 1970s that fat was the bad guy, yet the only fats we know to be harmful are trans fats, and these are almost exclusively man-made. If the fat occurs naturally then it’s fine – no exceptions. Sugar, on the other hand, when added to food, is almost uniformly bad.’"

Flashbacks

Not an unusual thing to happen given how nasty it all was.  I tend to do very well these days and don't worry about living after cancer as much as I used to.  Events, like this check up bring it all back in little flashbacks, they are like mini panic attacks and I was in the shower and suddenly I was back after my first operation lying in a bed all connected up with tubes and bits.  It sure makes me shudder.

I do hope that they find nothing once again and it just allows me to move on and move further.  The longer you have no recurrences.  Of course the last couple of these I've had, I've ended up going in for an operation and both times they've found nothing.  That's probably also why I'm feeling a bit wobbly about it.

Cystoscopy 7th March

Well the letter was posted a good few days ago but only arrived yesterday at the old house and Mrs. F. quickly called me over to come and get the letter - it is at a clinic I've not been to before and off site in a Private Hospital so hopefully I can get parked up and get the procedure done.  It looks to be my consultant who is doing it so I'm hopeful that all will be OK.

Of course I'm all kranky at the moment as it does that to me.  I know it will be OK and I just need to work on getting up early enough to get over to this place.  I'd rather be there too early as it is an 08:30 appointment so it's half way over to Croydon during the rush hour - Perfect :-) (sarc).

So anyway I don't have long to ponder it and I need to remind myself to get myself together for it.  Seeing a friend of mine last night who had his esophagus removed reminded me of how ill I had been and in so many ways, it is probably only now that I truly start to realise the horror of it all because at the time whilst it frightens you the enormity isn't always entirely obvious.

My keyboard arrived and mouse and the software is loaded and I am ready to go.  I need to do some more tidying up though before then.  Wish me luck, I can hardly believe the amount of stuff I have to do.