OK - I know I am going to get beaten up about this but can you believe that I now have a guilt feeling about being in the position I am in? I know, how ridiculous after all the whinging I went on about wanting to be there for my family. I got my life back on Tuesday! In the US, a correspondent of mine got the opposite. I feel quite wretched about that until I look at my children's faces and gaze out at my world again. So why even so do I feel like this?
I think that it is because I have met with people who have more advanced problems than I do (mainly online) that I feel this way. Why? Well my diagnosis has made my potential outcome a lot better than theirs. I'm in all probability going to make it, some of the people I have met haven't and will not. I cannot understand why I should be singled out to survive and they didn't - I KNOW - It is a stupid way to think about it. I can't help feeling that - and it is a strange thing - that I shouldn't have survived really. I imagine it is the same with the survivors of a ship wreck or plane crash - how did I survive and how did I come through this and everyone either side of me didn't.
I just feel sad that some of the suffers, diagnosed when I was, haven't made it or probably wont make it. Stupid as it may seem - you now look at your own survival as cheating everyone else. You get a kindred bond with those fellow sufferers you meet online but - and I've said this before - generally those you meet online are more seriously affected and need to share their problems.
I do look on myself as very fortunate and I'll be doing everything possible to keep this well and this healthy. I owe it to myself, my family both here and wider and to my friends who have proved their worth many times over. I have friends who are outspoken (cringingly so) and some who don't express themselves well and some who we just nod and we know what we mean.
It isn't the "Stockholm Syndrome" but there must be a technical term for this - I cheated this but I'm sorry because not everyone else did!
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