Are you really a fraud because you survived?

It is a strange thing. I spoke to someone else who mentioned that he felt that his cancer was fraud as he recovered and is healthy again. I think I felt a bit "strange" about it at first - having cancer - I mean you cannot take that sort of information in easily. The first reaction is normally two sided - one - a relief at least you know what it is or what you guessed it was, you knew you were pretty ill but hadn't grasped it all and of course then you get home and you go through the "I'm going to die" bit. Now frankly that isn't nice. A little later on you begin to get used to the fact that (in my case) you have a pretty good chance of surviving this.

When I speak to most people they say I have been through a hell of a lot and I suppose, looking back at some of the stuff I've written, I probably have but you don't really have a choice in this. well you do I suppose but I chose to have the treatments. So given that the treatment isn't comfortable or by any means over yet, people wonder why I think sometimes that I'm a bit of a fraud.

I think I guessed why that is today. It is because I survived it, because you expect to get cancer and die and in reality that isn't the case (I at least know that now). However, when you see people going through far worse, or getting a terminal prognosis you kind of feel guilty. Yet, knowing people who are getting the all clear and being discharged - I am so happy for them. It is all a bit strange but then that is the disease all over. The common misconception about cancer is that it kills you - if it doesn't you feel there is something wrong with you! How stupid is that :-)

I find the logic of some of the things I think utterly bizarre - cancer makes you far more inward looking and thinking perhaps I think too much and don't let things just happen to me.

So - enough of the deep and meaningful stuff for the moment - a bank holiday weekend beckons. Tomorrow I am off to help the annual Spring Fair - I do the Car Park duty which is OK.