Having got the last bit off of my chest - perhaps I ought to get back to the reality of the situation and that is I am beginning to use the "D" word and recognising that I am actually quite depressed at the moment. The euphoria of being out of imminent danger has worn off. The huge life style change hasn't really happened.
Nothing is quite as I want it to be. It is all somewhat of a let down at the moment. Don't give me any of the old, your lucky, you survived and all that as it isn't that. It is a whole combination of things and events all happening at once. It is the realisation that things move on. That I probably won't change the world. That so many things that may have appeared important actually no longer are. It is the realisation that perhaps I've taken a turning off of the road that my friends and family are travelling along and I'm now lost somewhere.
Whatever it is - I know I'm here and I know when to ask for help, the trouble is it is very personal. It is also a spiral thing in that you get worse when you try to pull yourself out of it. I'm not in a bad one, don't get me wrong, I'm just having difficulty keeping everything together, in some sort of perspective and in some sort of order based on how "really" important or urgent each of these things to be done or sorted out actually are. It is also to do with the next hospitalisation and how inconvenient that is.
I also believe that you'll only understand this if you have gone through something similar - it won;t make sense if you've had your tonsils out or some such thing,
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