Boy am I feeling better in myself today. I had a full blown swipe at one of the team for being an arse (or ass) and that made me feel better. A bit of the old me came out there as I finally decided that political correctness and pussy footing around was no longer the way to carry on. As Winston Churchill used to stick on his memos "action this day!"
Too right - I've worked out what was wrong (not what I thought it was) and now that I know what it is I can move on. In fact today felt very different in many ways. I am determined to get things moving now and I find that my reticence before wasn't needed. The problem is that being nice to people and trying to accommodate them all the time and "doing the right thing" all have their place but I look at it like this:
We're climbing a mountain, it's massive, every time you get a bit nearer it looks bigger and steeper and more dangerous. A big group of us started out and all said they'd come with us but for differing reasons they're not leading and they're not carrying our packs, cooking the food, putting up the tents or doing anything vaguely constructive any more. We knew this a long time ago but we let it go and we stumbled along with a heavier and heavier load and our crew kept our spirits up by telling us what a great job we were doing and telling us how we could improve our performance and even reviewing our diaries and memoirs so that we could accurately reflect how useful they had been to us.
The nearer we got and the more daunting everything looked the easier it looked to our followers - those rose tinted goggles and romantic visions of climbing the Matterhorn hove into view for them - planting their flag dressed in Harris Tweed and a stupid hat with a feather hanging off it. Perhaps only we knew what lay ahead because we had planned for this moment. Planned to go to the summit as a team. We got to base camp a few weeks ago and all that's left is us, some of our kit and a mobile phone so that our followers can call us and give us advice from a safe and controlled distance. Their advice is as useful as sun cream on a rainy day and in an effort to assist us they have resorted to stating the bleeding obvious and playing back our plans as their new ideas. Our crowning moment is for the team to now explain to us the basics of Arctic survival, quoting from Scott's diary and reminding us to slaughter our Huskies if we run out of food. It is perhaps one of those moments in time when the rhetoric and advice freely found from websites, wikipedia and survival books are replayed endlessly to us as if we haven't even thought about them and hadn't worked out that it would be cold and we would need to pack a tent! Thanks guys - all value added or is that added value - I never can remember - perhaps you'd be kind enough to go find that our for me then roll it up and stick where the sun don't shine - go figure :-)
Now we realise, this mountain is for us to climb, for us to conquer (or not - that's always an option) and the bit that everyone else has forgotten is that if we do conquer this and reach the summit, it will be our flag and our names in the history book.
This next step requires us to equip ourselves properly and take on the challenge. We are fully prepared and have packed all the right gear - we are a little fatigued having had to carry it all ourselves but that just means we are fitter and more resilient.
My attitude - bring it on, I haven't come all this way to not try and do this but I've been disappointed that not everyone wants to come with me despite their assertions and protestations that they would. It is frightening and daunting and it doesn't look a nice place to be but that's the challenge we set ourselves and so we just need to keep faith with our convictions, tread boldly and test ourselves out once again. If there's just the two of us doing it and we get there then it will be the two of us who take the kudos and the glory - will others want to reflect in that too - you bet they will.
I hate to say it but I now see how divisions and arguments can easily erupt when suddenly it dawns on the major partners that they are in fact doing all the work and others aren't pulling their weight. No matter, at least I know, I've made my feelings understood and I can take it to the next level now I'm aware of it.
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