Melancholy

I have to say that I've been feeling a bit low again, quite sad really and somehow melancholic.  I've had this before and it's a combination of things really.  Raising money for the business is not going well, the UK market is flat and depressed and we are in an equity gap caught between those who can give us a little (which isn't a lot of use) and those whom we don't quite qualify for.  The scale and ambition is also disturbing some and also the difficulty that many people have grasping our concepts because they just don't understand the market we are tackling - so there's a nagging in the back of my mind that we may not make it and doubt is bound to kick in no matter how well we think we have done, how well prepared we are etc.  It doesn't help that someone just gives a cursory glance at your work when you've done 2 years worth and they take 10 minutes and dismiss it.    It show an element of disrespect but of course these people get hundreds of plans every day/week and so you can understand that.


Then there's my apparent backward step in terms of my blood pressure - I'm a little concerned about that as I should be getting to a position where my blood pressure should be much lower and my health much better.  In reality I do feel a lot better and I've lost a fair bit of weight and I'm eating really healthily.  My 15Kg bag of carrots will be no more by tomorrow so it only lasted 9 days!  


Talking with my mum and I spoke to dad briefly on Sunday is also proving a little stressful as he gets weaker and less able to tolerate certain foods.  He's still his normal self, a little more reflective I suppose but still playing to the crowd and the problem is he is getting weaker and weaker, a shower and a shave almost tires him out for the morning.  Life revolves around the TV, eating, drinking, sleeping and fighting the odd bout of pain and just keeping going.  Mum's taking it OK but I have no doubt that it will catch up with her.  My brother is a lot better at the moment as he is taking some hypnotherapy which is helping him to calm down.  He isn't taking it at all well but he is much closer to my parents than I am I suppose.


So a combination of things are making me just feel a little sad in myself, not the "D" word at all, just a little melancholic and a little reflective.  I've thoughts going on about what to do should we not get finance and there are many other avenues open to us.  Our expertise and experience in taking the business this far are of course marketable commodities and yet I'm not absolutely certain that I would welcome going back into the rat race that I came from.  But what could I do in the future?  Well that's an interesting question and I'm wrestling with that now.  My mind is considering options and searching ideas.  I've done my just go to work bit and I hated every minute of it although I enjoyed the Charity, I'm not sure that I could do that every day again especially travelling up to London - perhaps locally.  Then there's the bit about being an employee - so perhaps I'd need to take on a more senior role?  Of course, I still have the genealogy business that I prepared for before taking on the Charity role and I have a lot more connections to explore.  


So my mind is a whir and whilst I haven't given up on things I do need to consider them.  I kind of think that things will very much be what they will be and so in a way I'm not that worried, things will work out and I'm pretty handy being able to do most things and of course, nothing has happened yet.  My brain is just racing away looking at what the possibilities are and also to make sure that I cover off what may happen in the future.  Let's hope that someone actually gets the idea of what we are doing and sticks some investment in so we can move forward.