I have a strange way of thinking and using my brain power, quite different to many people I think. The INTJ mind is analytic and also it doesn't exactly do empathy or such. Despite my best efforts there is something very strange going on these days which is "interesting" to me but not at all productive or I suppose neither is it destructive (at the moment).
Here goes, Let me see if I can give you an example. Many years ago before I knew my ex that well, I had a number of girlfriends and knew quite a few socially, platonically I suppose you'd say but of course there were sparks and things in there - there has to be I suppose. INTJs are notoriously bad at picking up the signs, absolutely dreadful would be my assessment. I wouldn't know if a girl was coming onto me unless she grabbed me and gave me a ful smacker kiss or some other blatantly obvious sign.
So having set the scene, my mind wandered the other day back to an embarrassing (now) scene where I spoke to one girl about going on holiday and she wasn't keen and so I took another where upon said first girl turns up out of the blue. Now I've only just realised what that probably meant and it's dawned on me, especially since I saw a few photographs with the both of us in that perhaps I didn't pick up on the messages at all and the photos also seem to reflect that. She was a lovely girl too, dark black hair and beautiful eyes. So now, it suddenly all becomes clearer than it was back then why she was put out and also that things could have been different for the other girl was my ex and we were married 32 years and had two wonderful daughters.
So, the past is the past and I kind of live by that but this has bothered my subconscious especially as a friend mentioned the young lady to me a few months back and we both mentioned how much we "liked" her. Truth being that it's like the Bear's Den song, Evelyn - a personal favourite:
"Evelyn, our relationship was strictly platonic
If platonic means I was madly in love with you
And a part of you was oblivious
Another part of you knew and kind of liked it"
It got me to thinking and of course, it's love's old story again. There's a couple of times that I was reminded of how things might have worked out differently. Perhaps that parallel universe I am so often wishing for might come into play for thinking about it now, I wonder how my life would have played out with her rather than my ex? I imagine that life would have played out quite differently. Then I realised that I really did fancy this girl a lot but I enjoyed all the company of the girls we hung around with. One, who I fancied a lot has been in touch recently from NZ where she's moved to recently and we used to just be drinking buddies and had a really great time. I wonder if she realised? Probably although you know what, much as I liked her and some of the other girls and spent time with them - I was far too shy to take things any further. I suppose they enjoyed my company because I didn't flirt with them and just treated them as I might do any other friend.
I have no idea why my brain is wired like this and what it is trying to achieve, working its way through a scenario that didn't exist but I suppose that is why? It's computing the various outcomes and of course, it's fantasizing about something that never was and in this version of the universe can never be.
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