The mirror test

How are you feeling? Go look in the mirror. I look like a bag of dung this morning. I was very surprised how bad I looked, unshaven and dark baggy eyes - yuk.

Had a shower and shave which appears to have made me look almost human again. Read Steve's blog this morning on the bacon and its relationship to bladder cancer - not sure if that is through the smoking or processing but it has been published before about the risks but no sort of explanation why that should be and perhaps other cuts of meat aren't.

Interestingly in the blog was a note about how HK's doctor said that Bladder Cancer is a chronic condition/disease. It may well be but I've had to put it to the back of my mind as a serious disease that I've gotten over but may come back. But, perhaps I need to take it a bit more seriously than I do. I don't for instance tell people when I discuss my condition with them what it was really like unless they want to know and often you have to stop short as it isn't pleasant. It all happens around a piece of your anatomy (especially men) that is pretty much a no go area and only occasionally do I go into some of the really heavy detail about the black shadow, the dark dog of depression and other stuff that you go through on top of being ill! It just doesn't belong in polite company and so I tend to just be holding back and not saying much about it or how serious it is.

You can die from BC, bottom line. If it gets out, it can kill you and it can be an aggressive and frequent visitor even if you think you have had it removed and that you have recovered. Believe me when I tell you that the fear of recurrence is still an everyday thought and worry.

I see that Asya is about to have her TURBT today and best wishes for a successful outcome. I'm getting close to three years in on my journey. About three years ago I was just about to embark on what I hoped would be my last career change and one that would have been a major change in the way I worked and would enable me to settle down a bit. That all went by the board after I was diagnosed and worked on but, it is fair to say that looking forward from the time of being diagnosed you don't see very far at all. It is a life shattering event and you get the whole 9 yards at once. The physical and the mental bits all come into play and you have to adapt.

Looking back, reflecting on what has happened, is different as is coming out the other end and being (as far as you can expect to be) clear has other challenges. I can see at least a year ahead now if not 2 or 3 where before I could only really see my next treatment and my next operation.. Those were little milestones in the journey. When you got to those, then you knew what the next part of the journey would be. You hoped it might be along the road you would wish to choose. Fortunately, for me, the roads have all been the ones I wanted for myself and for my family.

I feel for everyone who is newly diagnosed as the big cancer wall appears and there is no way over it and your mind just has to deal with so many things. Once you've accepted the first bit you need to reassure others which is the most strange part. However, you need to elephant eat the situation and take small bites, and do a bit at a time. It gradually gets better and it becomes clearer and on you go day by day, week by week and so on.

I try not to "dumb down" what I went through or to trivialise the situation but at the same time I do try and fight against it by not letting it be as dangerous as it is, as frightening as it is or as physically and mentally demanding as it is.