This morning I noticed a large Charity sack by the front door and so I peeked inside (as you do) and there were lots and lots of cuddly toys. Stuff from Disneyland and Beanie toys we had bought when the kids were young and it was obviously going on to a good place and will be sold to make someone's life a little better. I'm all for that - I work in a charity - it's what I do.
However, it was a bit more profound than that. I stared into the bag and there were the memories of my little girls staring back at me. Happy times, magic times, we did enouy ourselves then and they had these "things" that meant a lot then but mean nothing now. Somehow they meant a lot this morning and I got one of my "Bambi moments" - hell this cancer nonsense really screws up your hormones. I was really moved - not upset that they were getting rid of these childish things as they were going to a good home and were for a good cause and I'm proud that both girls do things like this and give of their time and give freely of these things that probably just clutter up their rooms. To me, of course, these things were hard earned things. I worked to buy them and in reality I don't want to sound sore about it but they probably mean a lot to me because they are associated with happy times, growing up, fun, play and all the good stuff about having kids. It also drags me back to those pre-cancer days and it also reminds me that my children are grown up now. No Longer children at all. Young Ladies. A is 20 in a few weeks time and L will be 17 in August. It isn't the cost or anything to do with that - to me it is the loss of the item that may bring back a memory for me. The kids adored these things and now they are just discarded - I'm not sure I know what more to say on the subject - it just made me feel bad and realise that things move on.
I was just left with a hole this morning that is all, it felt like I'd had something ripped away from me but it wasn't the toys themselves just what memories that they surfaced.
The boss called me in today and we had a chat. I think that someone must have told him that I wasn't best pleased with the way things have been and whilst he acknowledged that we also agreed that one of two things was about to happen. They are keen to get me on full time working. I had to explain the 2 factors of the operation and the possibility that my other job will burst into life but I also had to reassure him that I would not just walk away. I owe them far more than that.
Cards are now played and I feel happier about that. I prefer to play a relatively straight bat in these cases and this little chat did that. More later next week.
Finally I met with my Nephew and an old friend J at a lively bar in London. I have to say that after a number of rather delicious pints of Tangle Foot, I wandered home and Mrs. F (bless her) came and gave me a lift home and some tea.... I needed that :-)
It has been a funny old day with the disturbing bit followed by the relief of "confession" to my boss about what I think may happen. The trouble about that is - who knows what the future will bring?
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