Nothingness - if that is a word is what I sometimes feel myself having the power of. Nothing, nada, zip. It's a feeling of helplessness for my fellow patients and human beings. I see suffering and I can do nothing about it, I'm too far away or unable to effect an outcome or make things better, give huge amounts of money or do anything else like it.
I desperately don't want to appear to be a selfish person and yet, I think perhaps I ought to turn into someone who is as I haven't got the time or the ability to help. I can say words, do small actions but that is it. In the great scheme of things I can only affect those around me and over which I have some control. I see people all over the place who are suffering their own problems and feel bad about it.
I should, of course, know better than that - and I do. It's the guilt of being unable to do anything that's so annoying. A lot of these people I don't even know and I still feel bad. It's a strange emotion I have to say.
I just need to concentrate on myself a little bit more, I heard myself worrying about someone else today and was "politely told" that I had done my bit and it was all that was needed, I couldn't continue to try and alter things if that person didn't want to reciprocate.
So I must try harder to be harder on myself and to accept that whilst it is admirable to want to help everyone, in reality that just isn't ever going to happen.
Whilst I am thinking like this let's have some thoughts and prayers for this lady who needs to undergo some more treatment this week. She's been battling away for a long time and recording it in her blog.
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