Monday, March 31, 2014

Two Days No Coffee

Interestingly a very small ache behind my eyes but otherwise no real cravings for caffeine as such.  I'm drinking a lot of water and having tea like Earl Grey and other herbal type infusions.  Why I hear you ask?  Well I want to see if there is any effect on my blood pressure.  It was find last week but on Saturday it was off the scale and the only thing I could put that down to was I'd drunk a lot of coffee - I'd only had one beer on Friday night and a glass of red wine but other than that - I hadn't really had much.

I've also decided that enough is enough and have dropped all carbs from my diet and also reduced my vegetables whilst lifting my fat and protein.  I can already taste/smell the Atkins breath so know that I'm in fat burning mode.  I want to get back to losing some weight and back towards where I was in November last year.  I feel I've lost a couple of pounds already.  My blood pressure is still higher than I'd like and I'm not sure why that should be but I will work on dropping my weight, experimenting with the coffee and also trying to remain away from booze altogether or having as little as possible.

I'm really into the company business at the moment and have spent all day on the documents for the website and for the service descriptions.  It's been a long hard grind as there are some silly little areas I need to tackle and I just haven't had time to do them justice until today.  I just needed a flat out day to do them.

The terms and conditions proved difficult as did the frequently asked questions but I think I've nailed them now.  The difficult part is how much to put on the web site.  I am trying to make it minimalist.  Customers don't actually need to be sold the service - why are they on your site if they haven't already thought about your product or service?  They need a few hooks to bring them in but other than that - it shouldn't be rocket science to work out what I'm doing.  Some of my competitors, to my relief, are so complex and need the customer to do all the work that it must put people off.  Mind you, having said that, they all seem to have work so perhaps it is despite of having a rubbish web site. :-)

I'm going to see how things go this week.  Having lost my trading address is a pain in the arse but I think I may have got a way around it - I just need to think it through and make sure that I'm covered.

I now need to finish off these and get them organised together with the specification and get them sent off to my web developer.  Hopefully he can get it produced for a reasonable amount of money and I can set too making a go of it.  It will be good when I get the paperwork done as I can then clear the decks and do the selling and the social media stuff too.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Sunday Clocks Forward Formula One And Here We Go

I need to start the business this week and start to make a move.  I've not been dithering but I am cautious as I want the business to be the best it can prior to starting it but I have to start somewhere and this week is probably as good as any to finish off the web site and get inviting people to start to use my services.  I need to work on a few more documents to finalise everything but I am close now as I have written most of them.  It is always difficult though to press the switch from "test" to "production".

I feel that I should have another lazy Sunday and have already sat down and watched the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Malaysia this morning.  There is Touring Car Racing on this afternoon and it is actually happening a few miles away from me at Brands Hatch - I could have gone I suppose but I had other ideas of what my weekend may have been like.  As it happens that didn't turn out like I expected but no worries there is time and there are other opportunities.  I don't know why I am in such an unholy rush to get into forming relationships and the like.  

So I think that this afternoon I shall sit down and watch the Touring Cars on TV and pour over some of my documents and prepare a short plan of attack for this coming week.  No recurrence of the spotting in my urine so that's good.  I have my urine tester strips so if I'm worried about it I can do the test and see if there is anything to worry about.  My Blood Pressure is a little high which surprises me so this week I am going to go full out on a no carbohydrate approach to my food and also drop caffeine to see if that will help.  I like my coffee so perhaps I shall just have it as a treat once a day rather than living off it like I do at the moment.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Oh A Little Blood Clot

I have to tell you that the one thing you just don't want to see ever is any more blood in your urine but I was told that there is a possibility from the scope a few weeks ago and sure enough there was a tiny little clot when I went a few minutes ago.  You tend to keep a very close eye on your urine stream and a small spot flew out and hit the porcelain.  When I checked it with a little toilet tissue it was indeed a very small clot of blood. 

Having had a flexible cystoscopy a few weeks ago it is a possible side effect but even so I'll be keeping my eye on things closely and if it persists I'll be straight back but as I said it is a known side effect.  Of course it puts you on edge as the whole episode comes flooding back and it reminds you of all that happened to you in the past.  Grim indeed.  Oh well - monitoring the situation for a few weeks is in order.

Well That Was A Good Night

I had a good time and ingratiated myself with young P and had a dance and a laugh and joke but as I managed to say to her, I've only yelled at you over the music so it would be nice to meet somewhere quiet and have a normal conversation :-)  

The only problem I did have was trying to get to talk to her alone it was a nightmare as she was closely accompanied by a few people one of whom was interestingly in a similar industry to myself and I couldn't shake him off :-) Oh well - there's time and opportunity ahead I hope and there will be some other concerts and bands playing I have no doubt.

Anyway, she's very nice and a little eccentric so right up my street in terms of those I hang out with.  S was also on great form - she is the promoter of these events and that reminds me I need to discuss this with someone I know as it may be an opportunity to bring some bands to a venue that I know.

But I had a lovely night the bands were great,  I drank water most of the night and so that was good was also pleasantly surprised as I asked for a Soda water (carbonated water) in a pub (I was early and driving) and there was no charge!  Not many things you can get for nothing these days.  

I wore my red and blue shirt which is great but surprisingly snug especially around the arms.  It appears that must be the way they make them these days for the other shirts are also quite grippy. Perhaps after the first wash it will loosen a little - it wasn't uncomfortable but I suppose I'm used to wearing baggy stuff most of the time.

I had a great day yesterday and today the sun is shining and all is OK with the world.  My new equipment mount has arrived form my scanner which I got at a bit of a bargain price and I'm just reading how to use it - it is for really difficult film especially if it is curled like a lot of the film I have is.  It allows me to scan even the most difficult stuff. 

Friday, March 28, 2014

Clothes Maketh The Man

I met the lovely L in Bromley and she took me shopping and taught me where best to go.  I actually came back £147.50 lighter.  For that I got:

Three shirts, A shirt combo Tee Shirt, A Jacket, 5 Polo Shirts, A Brown Belt and Pair of Black Jeans... I'm rather pleased as these all move away from my usual style of clothing which is pretty plain and I really like the whole lot - I could have spent a lot more but these will do for now and I now have problems selecting what to wear.  I'm sure it will all fall into place as I will be wearing my blue soled brogues so it will all have to match in nicely :-)  

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Shopping Tomorrow

This will be exciting my friend L is taking me out to get me some decent clothes :-) what fun!  Having disposed of my old, out of date, faded, hole ridden and unworn stuff earlier this week it is now time to replace those with a few decent outfits.  It will be good as I am going out tomorrow night to a gig and fancy making a bit of a statement whilst I'm about it :-)

So I'm off on the train to learn all about clothes shopping - I must remember to get her some flowers or some chocolates as a thank you.  I have already said I'm buying lunch.  So that will be good too.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow it should be a good day and I can have some clothes to go with my mood.  I saw some nice things early today when we popped into the local town and had a look at one of the Tailor shops closing down.  I managed to source a Bow Tie as my other one had disintegrated :-(

I should be working on the web site tomorrow but so what it will wait a little while longer and Flocky, bless him, is proof reading some of the words which is a great help.  ALmost there - almost there.  I have all the equipment and know what I'm doing now and soon I can just start selling it and making noise.  

However, there is one fly in the Ointment and that is that the guy who was giving me his address to use has had a stroke and is now thinking of getting rid of his business.  It's a bit of a nightmare for me logistically I have to go and start again with a trading address - it's a pain but not a lot I can do about it really.  I will have to see if someone else can give me a delivery address in the interim.  

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

DIet & Cancer

Steve over at Got Bladder Cancer? HERE asks an important question I feel:

"How many of you All Clear folks have made diet, exercise, and/or supplement changes to stave off the bladder cancer? Since there is no study being conducted, you readers are my only data source beyond myself."

Well it's interesting because I'm pretty much convinced now that the diet I am following is doing good things for me.  It's a part Paleo part Low Carbohydrate High Fat regime.  My only downfall has been since the move I have been out a lot and been drinkin beer which has swollen my waistline by an inch or so.  That's coming off and it has already started this week.

Why do I think this?  Well I am fit and healthy I haven't had a cold in years now and my teeth no longer need fixing by the Dentist since I've been on this diet.  The key things are that I feel great, I feel like I don't have to eat, I'm satiated.  I feel more alive than I've done for years and years and I'm in reasonable but not great shape.  I can easily now do push ups and go on my X-Trainer for 30 minutes.  My Blood Pressure has been dropping and the other day was a nice 120 over 80 which is fab.  I now need to work on keeping it that low all the time.  Slowly slowly I'll get there.

I no longer touch man made carbohydrates, sugar, rice, pasta, bread, marjorine etc.  I tend to cook my food fresh and not rely on any shop bought ready meals or preprepared food stuffs.

I had a few false starts about what I should and shouldn't be eating.  So far on this diet but it is actually a lifestyle, I've lost 3 and a half stone.  I feel I can lose another 1 or 2 stone this year too.  I feel and look healthier than I've done for years, I'm more active too.

Difficult to say whether it is keeping Cancer at bay but I'd probably say that it is doing good things as the diet is all about protein which the body needs to repair itself.  Dropping the carbs means I'm not putting on weight and certainly not spiking my Insulin which is another good thing.

Steve asks about exercise - well I used to do quite a bit.  With the move the exercise machines have come with me and I can almost reach them past the boxes now so I will go and get back into the habit soon.  I can't say I enjoyed that part of feeling fit but I find that it does help me and of course you can burn off those excess fatty bits that much quicker.

All in all, I changed my lifestyle almost straight away and whilst I made a few wild and dangerous detours earlier on I find this is the best diet I've ever followed and I find it easy to stick to, I don't feel hungry and I feel great most of the time.  

Even More Productiver

I managed to rip into doing some slide scanning and then timed myself and seemed to do pretty well - a little slower than I would have liked but even so I would have made a bit of money today :-) 

I was also writing up the web site and making that happen.  It's nearly there now, coming together nicely.  It takes a lot to be brave and leave most of the words I wrote a month or two ago out altogether but I want the site to just provide the bare bones I doubt anyone is that interested in reading War & Peace just to get their photographs scanned.

Off in an hour or so for a meal - our twice a year Officers' Mess.  I'm driving so need to stay on the Soda water tonight.  That will be OK though as I want to get cracking on the web site tomorrow and hopefully have that ready by the end of the week.  I feel the need to launch the business about now (which is what I had in mind).  

Funny old day it was meant to be a bit showery but I missed seeing the showers coming and now it is bucketing it down and all my washing is out on the line :-) Oh well - it doesn't matter at all it can come in when it does get dry.  :-) 

I like the new me, I just laugh and smile about things like that where before I'd have been in a bit of a rage about it.. I am so pleased that I don't get all flustered and hung up anymore - well very rarely - if I do - I know what is going on and can stop myself pretty quickly I find.  Life's good - I'm enjoying things now.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Productive Day Mainly - At Last

It takes time to get settled in and we still have boxes all over the place that need to get put away.  I'm just waiting for Flocky to do some more adjustments to the attic and I can get rid of all the odds and ends.  My bedroom is finally neat and tidy - or quite tidy now as I've cleared out all my old clothes and stuff.

I've been working away today on my negative scanning skills and amusing friends and family sticking the results on Facebook!  I've gone way over the 1,000 scans now and there's still loads more to do.  I also won an auction on eBay for a specialist wet and dry film scanner that will allow me to trap bent and curled photos between glass to get a better scan.  I also bought a few more templates to allow me to do other film types which I also intend to work out how to implement and price!  Loads of work done today and a little more to come in the next few days as I finally tackle the web site and the price lists etc.  It's coming together OK but a little less organised than I'm used to.

The New Me

Is a strange beast.  I have just bought a pair of shoes that are way over the top for me - twice!  I know what can I say...  I have a pair of booted Oxford Brogue shoes in brown and a pair of Suede light brown shoes with bright blue soles!  What am I like?  

It's the new me - expressive, artistic - like I used to be - ME - that's the whole point.  Out go my old clothes tomorrow and with it part of my old life.  L is going to meet up with me for a shopping spree and I'll get myself some nice Tee Shirts, Shirts and Trousers and have a new wardrobe.  It's all about expressing who I am and what I am about.  It's the release and the hidden me.  I've not expressed myself for years and years.  I've not been the real me and whilst I do realise that I am doing things a little excessively at the moment - it's all about extremes - I know that I am heading in a direction that will ultimately lead to a new and more fulfilling life.

Hell I'm enjoying myself at the moment, it feels sinful because I was never really allowed to let go and enjoy things ever.

The one thing I don't do that I probably ought to is arrange events.  It is always my friends who call up me and they arrange.  Maybe I ought to sort something out in the near future?

I am so looking forward to going out on Friday and meeting P and S again.   It's just brilliant to go out and just have a good time.  Surely what it is all about?  Answers on a Postcard...

Monday, March 24, 2014


If you knew me when I was at work you'd know that I was fully self assured and self confident - top of my game I always felt and whilst I may have come across as arrogant the thing was that's the way my personality type (INTJ) naturally is.  That is when I was at work.  I'm a very different person and very rarely will I say the first word or start a conversation.  I might smile at people and acknowledge them but it isn't usual.  

I tend to rely on the other party to start things off.  Of course the proviso is "unless I know you" or I know someone you know then it is quite legitimate to go chat to someone as I did on Saturday night and I'm really quite pleased I did because enough people have told me that I'm pretty engaging sort of chap and I have a good listening skills as well these days - I no longer need to be the one doing the talking.  It worked great on Saturday night and I'm feeling good because one of the biggest worries was to make some friends locally and to build a new circle of friends.  So far that seems to be going quite well and I am feeling great because it isn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be and people are friendly and you only have to ask.

I was having a lovely but rather loud shouting chat with this young lady P on Saturday and hopefully I'm seeing her on Friday as well so that will be nice - perhaps we can have a chat at a slightly lower level even though it will be at another gig.  

But again, I'm getting out, building a new life, it's exciting and enjoyable.  Surely that's the thing - get out there and enjoy my life a bit more.

I'll Take That Any Day

I do find that a relaxing Sunday is a nice thing to do.  Today I couldn't get the lawn sorted or the debris cleaned away from the storms of 6 weeks ago.  The ground is still soggy and so it will just have to wait until things are better.

I've had a lazy old day today and getting myself ready for the onslaught this week - I must get on and do some serious work on the web site and also the price lists.  It is all in my head and now needs to be committed to paper so it can be developed.  

I sure hope that I can start to secure some work but really want the web site up and running as well.  I also have a final set of tweaks on the discount structure to put together.  In some ways I'm not too keen on discounting too much as I have a pretty keen price now but know I have to do something.  It's proving a little more difficult to work it out so it is consistent.

Anyway - a quiet day and one where I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.  I'm really looking forward to Friday night and going out and meeting P again and having a chat with her without - I hope - too much noise.  

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Things Happen To Me

Friday night my mate calls and we go to Town - in this case Town is Sevenoaks - it's rather nice and we bump into an old friend of ours S.  She is a promoter of bands and works at the local theatre too.  It's interesting what happens now.  I asked her whether she knew if anything was going on in the village on Saturday night as I was at a loose end.  Indeed she does and whilst she ran me home - she lives around the corner from me - she suggests that she calls me and we go over and see one of her bands playing.

I was just getting ready when the doorbell went and off we went to the pub and her band were just setting up.  We were right at the front so my ears are buzzing somewhat this morning.  But blow me, I met this girl last week at the other gig and lo and behold, it turns out she is S's best friend!  Doh.  So we had an interesting evening chatting about this and that and we are meeting up this Friday for another gig.  It appears she likes live music too so let's see what happens.

It must be me, or the new me these days but life is really great and I am enjoying the whole thing and last night at this gig was no exception.  I had a lovely time with S & P and a few beers and a good laugh and a chat in between songs.

I like it here.  Things happen to me and it all happens for a reason.....

Friday, March 21, 2014

Seize The Day

Well that wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be.  It was rather Cathartic as it happens to go through and throw out my past....  Some ties in my collection are 25 years old and one is 30 years old.  It's time they went - they are unlikely to get worn again.  I've kept my formal ties and bits.  I have some more of my formal wear still at the old house which I need to go and get.  I have bow ties and the like there and my patent shoes.

So I've been utterly ruthless with things - I've thrown out my trousers, shirts, sweatshirts and tee shirts.  Anything that looked old, anything that hasn't been worn in 6 months isn't likely too so that was binned as well.

So here's the pile I chucked out - it's about a 2/3rds of my wardrobe I guess

My Clothes tidy is looking very tidy and also rather bare - enough clothes for 10 to 14 days at the most now where I could have lived for 6 weeks before I reckon.

The suitcases now on top of the wardrobe and all my formal wear to the right and my nice shirts to the left.  A box of odds and sods and that's it about done.

All bagged up ready to go to the local Clothes recycling bank.... 

Yes I do need to buy some clothes but do yo know what?  I don't need that many as I can wander around in jeans and tee shirts most of the time and I really need some nice casual clothes to go out with.  Hopefully my friend is going to take me out to do some shopping - she's got a good eye and so hopefully I can get myself a small wardrobe of new things.  I certainly realise that I don't need a lot.  All my old office stuff has all gone which was the bulk of it and I certainly won't be needing that again in a hurry.  

First Day Of Spring

So that's Spring Cleaning and for me, chucking out all my old clothes that I am never, realistically, going to wear.  I've been told by a friend to be ruthless.  I have a couple of suitcases full of clothes that I haven't used since I've been here.  I have lots of formal wear stuff that I am unlikely to use.  

There's a storage rail downstairs that I might be able to use to put my Evening Suits and the like and I've a chest of drawers available to me as well for some storage.  Interesting.  So let the games commence.  I will then probably just wander over to the clothes bank and drop these in - some may be useful to someone.  Any good stuff can go to the charity shop.  I have lots of work shirts and ties even that I am unlikely ever to need again.  They too can hit the rubbish.

It is going to be painful but it has to be done for a couple of reasons.  One is to reduce the clutter, two is to throw away the past. Three is to throw away stuff I just no longer wear or would want to wear and four is so that I can make room to buy some new clothes to mark my independence.  I've already bought some great shoes and jeans and later today my new casual shoes will arrive, I have new trainers too.  It's all coming together.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

What next?

I  got my first clear nibbles of work today when I substituted for my friend at his Business Breakfast Meeting.  It's not bad a room of 40 and two good nibbles isn't bad - I tend to consider that 2% is a good return and this was more like 5%.  So far so good the arguments are compelling and I got my 60 seconds out in 55 seconds :-)

One is a box full of photographs that have been inherited.  Another was for some video tape transfers.  

Let's see how that goes - I should have passed my business cards around for the room - next time I will do so.

As these things go it went as well as it could - I don't like these pre-scripted, regimented affairs - they work very well for the participants but in reality they don't float my boat at all - I tend to know most of what they "teach" each other.  Most of it is after all just common business sense.

I've twisted my back probably doing the scanning in cramped conditions!  I need to make sure that I properly swivel my chair not my body when I do this work.  It's been fun today after I got back, I had the car washed, did some shopping forgetting that we had some coming today by delivery van!  Doh!  I've ordered bulk meat supplies to arrive next week from the guy that does my Christmas meats.  Looking forward to that as there are some Wagyu and Ostrich along with the basics.

I need to get my backside into gear though tomorrow - I think I will slightly change my schedule and I'll go clean my room then do some Lodge work rather than the business.  I can then get rid of those chores and be clear to do the business stuff.  It's time to launch it and stop messing about.  I just need to make sure that the plans I've got are updated and I can then start to build some interest.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Cancer And It's Impact On My Life

I thought about this the other day and realised that I knew that if I survived that I'd end up here, where I am now.  By that I mean split up from my wife and looking at life a little differently.  

There was an article I think I put it up here in January about divorce and what lay beneath the problems and how this journalist suddenly realised that she was undermining her husband and it struck me that in many ways this happened with me.

Low key could best be described my Cancer diagnosis, operations and treatments.  Don't get me wrong my wife helped me through all of this and took me there and back and lived with my dark depression and my black sense of humour.  But it isn't her well not her of later years.  I was commenting with a friend of mine who felt that I was henpecked.  Far from the truth but I got more entrenched with each loss of my position in the house.

Things gradually migrated from me to her.  Mowing the lawn and just about every chore even my job of cooking Sunday Lunch gradually got taken away from me.  I just retreated into a silent world of computers and reading or listening to music.  As I grew further away so I gave up more and more until I finally came to the decision I needed to come to.  

Although I felt no one took Cancer seriously I was in for a surprise last year when everyone was upset as they thought it had come back.  I saw that it impacted on my children far more than anyone let on.  Maybe they feel I've just kicked them in teeth but for my own sanity leaving was probably the only real option.  I like the idea of getting myself back to the person I was before Cancer and to the fun loving, carefree person I was.  I like the fact that I'm building my business and I'm enjoying my freedom most of the time.  Thirty Two years is a long time to live with someone so the wrench is taking a bit of getting used to.   It's over 7 weeks now and I really am getting into the swing of it now.  

Tomorrow will be interesting as I will be "selling" the business at a Business Breakfast meeting and really I should be in bed by now.  I've actually been chatting online to a friend and I'm quite excited by the chat we've had.  She has just finished reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that I lent her.  It is refreshing to hear her recent changes in life and attitude.  We often meet up four of us but that's not going to be possible now as she takes on a new career challenge.  Somehow I'm trying to put together a meeting that she can meet up with us again - difficult.

Life has taken on a new meaning to me but I'm still not out of the looking over my shoulder or wondering whether I should be doing this or that :-) It is strange not having Mrs. F. around but I'm getting used to it.... :-) As You Do....

A Different Sort Of Day

I got a bit of a shock as I found that my daughter A had been to Lisbon and whilst I knew that someone was going what I hadn't expected to hear was that Mrs. F. and A went.   Now I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised about that but it did give me a partial wobble for no especial reason.  In many ways I'm pleased as I know she met up with a friend a while ago and now she has gone for a long weekend to Lisbon - a place we had promised we would go to! 

I'm pleased for her and of course it does mean that perhaps she is coming to terms with things and at least getting out and about - perhaps it means that we can start having some serious conversations about the future now?  

It's been 7 weeks yesterday and I'm enjoying it still with the odd tinge of regret of course.  I find that just every now and then I think about my big house and home life but I just replay the reasons why I'm not there and I feel OK again.  I certainly haven't enjoyed some of the "old age" flashbacks or flash forwards I suppose and this is to do with my dad and his last days more than anything else.   There's a bit of me that is wondering where it's all headed - which is funny because half the fun is not knowing where it is headed :-)

I've been able to leave my old house and village and not miss them.  That's a strange thing I thought I'd be homesick but I'm not, I like it here.  I do have roots around here but would I be prepared to go out further or somewhere altogether different?  I'll have to wait and see.

I'm up at the crack of Sparrows tomorrow to attend a business meeting that starts at 6:30 !! Luckily I'm much nearer to the location than the last time I went in November.  I've actually done an Elevator Pitch for the meeting itself so it will be interesting to see how it goes down.  

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Thats Better - More Concentration And Less Thinking

It's been a good day so far.  I've really cracked on with some work although I find I can't do three things at once :-) I need to concentrate on my business plans but I'm also doing some of the learning work too and actually the two aren't compatible at all :-)  So tomorrow I will have a paperwork day and today can be my practical day.

I learnt some interesting things about scanning today.  I could have spent almost $90 on a gadget for my scanner but paid only £8 for some magnets which, assembled properly actually do the same job :-) Yay!  The power of the Internet is generally someone has done it before and are willing to share how they did it with you.  

I have some very strange shaped negatives which are giving me some grief to scan but once again I'm sure the Internet will come to my aid :-)

I found myself looking at scans of my two girls and Mrs. F. and myself from years back and I had to fight back a few tears when I saw my eldest A in her Angel costume for the Nativity Play.  I DO miss the girls now and haven't seen them for a while although to be fair I have actually seen them but they haven't come here or met me yet.  They haven't seen the house either.  Oh well, I hope that they'll come around - it feels like they don't want to see me but that's me being paranoid I reckon.

I am feeling like I am almost there now and can launch pretty soon.  I have enough scans under my belt but not enough video conversions (using my computers) as of yet.  A few more weeks and I reckon I will be able to launch things properly.  Fingers crossed.

Not So Bad A Day

I cracked on with the little job I was doing which is now complete.  So far, so good.  It's  interesting as I priced the work up and it took just under a week in duration (not effort) and would have paid a fair rate too.  So I'm pleased about that.  I need to hone my skills but of course, that's what it is all about and tomorrow I can get tucked into some more hard graft and try and improve the throughput workload.  I still need to be able to quote for the work and win it of course.  

I'm going out on Thursday to represent the chap that has given me use of his postal address for my business.  I need to do some work for that as well.  However, I don't think that will be a problem either.  

I now need to see if I can get a good run at the documentation I need to produce.  It isn't easy doing the house and work at the same time.  Tomorrow I will give it a good go though and see if I can discipline myself to work right through rather than have so many interruptions.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Shout Out For Steve

For Steve K who has his Flexible Cystoscopy tomorrow 17th March.  So far this year everyone has had positive news and so now here's hoping that continues.  

Prayers, thoughts, crossed fingers all welcome.  

No Matter How Much It Hurts

I just can't get involved and help someone out who is very special to me.  Much as I can't go throw my arms around Mrs. F. and give her a comforting hug and I'd like to do that.  I still have fond memories of my marriage to her and growing up together.  I found that all the fun had gone out of the marriage and that somehow was one of the major reasons to go - I felt sad so much of the time and I wasn't the sad one the whole place was freezer like :-)  But I see her and I feel wretched that she is so sad and my natural reaction is to go put my arms around her but I can't.

Another very very good friend of mine is having some pretty awful problems and I can't do anything about it, nothing at all because it isn't appropriate.  I've been in a strange place these past couple of days as I finally, finally realise that I just cannot be part of my friend's life, well not unless something miraculous happens I suppose.  I can't hold on to that hope either it isn't in the present, it's in the past and that's the bottom line.  I just find it hard to "get it" because of the strange way my mind works.  So I've dropped a line out this morning and will now work on disengaging myself from the day-to-day and getting suckered in - wanting to be helpful but it isn't my place to do so no matter how friendly.

The thing is though what am I feeling? "Do you think that is air you are breathing now Neo?" I have no idea what is really going on - it's all in my imagination and all the scenarios playing around in my head because I still cannot get rid of the INTJ in my head.  It is just impossible not to play them out and theorise. But, the crazy thing is that I know this and I have this little head battle going on still - my logical head knows this is a lost cause and shouldn't be given thought space.  My heart head still has deep feelings and they need to go away, it's over and that's that.  My logical brain is saying move on, it's in the past, it was fantastic, it was beautiful, it was lovely but you can't go back there no matter how painful it was (and still is) you can't go and repair it or replay it.  It wasn't anyone's fault it was the just the way it was. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Working Routine

It's difficult to remember that I am now running a business again as I am quite relaxed about how things are.  By that I mean that I find the worries I would have had are no longer there.  I know I have to work at this but it will come naturally and will grow - I can't expect it to be like my former business where I started with an amazing contract and didn't look back for about 8 years - until that is - I got ill. 

Now, it's a different thing as I practice to make sure I am going to provide a professional job for my customers.  I have a set of videos and cassettes I am doing for a friend and that seems to be going well so far.  The direct transfer is certainly working nicely which I am so pleased about.  The videos are of pretty good quality and I can see that this is an easier way to build the business in some ways as it is almost unattended (albeit I have to be there to start and stop the process).  

I can envisage just allowing this to grow organically and that's going to be fine by me.  I like the idea that my friend suggested last night to give it around 6 months to settle in and to then average out the income as it will be very up and down as I have to generate my own sales and do the work :-)

Anyway - I am looking forward to the challenge immensely and the work is quite rewarding in it's own way.  

Monday, March 10, 2014

Testing Testing Testing

And yet more testing and making sure I can get things right.  I am doing a series of VHS-C and 8mm Videos to DVD and also some Cassettes of voice overs this chap does.  It is quite interesting as I have done a fair amount of these before.  Doing so many at once I am bundling them together to allow me to work on them all together.

I'm really enjoying this now although there are the odd hiccups with the technology and the terminology to overcome.  Hopefully I'll be able to do that :-) It also gives me a good idea about my charge out rates which I have already started to amend a little.   

At least I know what can and cannot be achieved with the kit I have now and after chatting to my Accountant on Friday I am ready to take on the world?  Well maybe this part of the country to start with :-)

The main thing is to get into some sort of routine again here.  Today has flown by and I've got lots of things done alas only the last two hours have been business based :-)  Oh well, I will have to try harder to get office hour discipline into my work.  I'm sure it will come especially when the orders start to arrive.

For now though practice makes perfect as they say and I am building up my library of documents and check lists and what works and what doesn't.  Life is beginning to get fun again. 

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Beautiful Day - Blue Skies, Not A Cloud In Sight

There's a Blackbird out here singing his little heart out, the sun is blazing out of a blue sky and it is pleasantly warm AT LAST :-) 

What a nice day, I've opened the windows and let the air in and the house looks great in the sunshine.  It's Sunday and I am not doing any work at all today.  I am going down to the pub later to see the International Rugby match and grab a few beers at the same time.

I feel great today.  There was a Lodge meeting and we had the Provincial Grand Master attend (he's like the head of our order) and the meeting went brilliantly.  I am clear again which is, whether you admit it or not, a brilliant thing.  I think that no matter how positive you may be it is still a huge huge relief to get the all clear.  

Life is great at the moment and the business is the next thing to get going.  I spoke to the Accountant on Friday and I'm now in a good place to start trading.  I have a few more things to get straight - hopefully one video capture card and I can really get moving.

But today, it's about enjoying the weather and the Rugby and getting on with the locals again :-)  

Friday, March 07, 2014


All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear. 

Well guess what my news is?  Can't well it is All Clear, All Clear, All Clear, All Clear!!! :-) 

Delighted but not leaping about with the news.  So pleased it WAS my consultant although she was handling different equipment (excuse the double entendre) - the cystoscope was on a camera and had a slight delay so she did apologise - we both noticed the difference :-) 

The Private Hospital sure does stuff differently including having some sort of cloth pants to put on - bizarre indeed.  Anyway was in and out in good time, easy to park and easy to get there and back again.  They did so much paperwork and we had wristbands and everything as if it was an operation - my Consultant was bemused by the process too :-) 

Anyway, I'm delighted that things are OK.  I'll live with the stinging and stuff and will go and lie down later today.  Maybe I'll just switch on the telly :-) 

Thursday, March 06, 2014

The Night Before

Everything is in place, alarm call changed, comfy shoes sourced, I have my bag, my water is in the fridge, my tablets and stress balls are ready, the MP3 player is charged and loaded with music.  I need to choose a light tee shirt and hopefully I will be ready to go.  

A number or well wishers have wished me luck and all I need do now is turn up and I'm going to go early so that I can get there in plenty of time to park up and relax.  I can get myself in to the place about 15 minutes early to see where I have to go.  Lets hope it is a nice seamless process and as it is a small private hospital I hope that I'll be in parked, seen and out ASAP.

It's an easy enough thing to do - a urine sample, trousers and pants off and a gown placed either way around your body.  Keep your shoes and socks and tee shirt on.  On the table and the cystoscope takes a matter of minutes that's all.  

The worry is, as always, that they might find something in there but I just hope that it will be nothing at all as it has been for all this time now.  The last two of three have been false positives and I hope that my Consultant will be doing it as she is more experienced and also, to be honest, she really doesn't hurt me that much which I can't say that the last two Registrars did.

Of course, it will be what it will be.  I have been a little cranky this week - I found myself feeling claustrophobic for a short while last night and of all things in the shower this morning!  How strange but I know what this is and can do things about it and that to me is the key.  I know what this is and I can tackle it and stop it.

Heard from my mum that one of my girls had given her a call which is nice.  I don't want them to lose touch with their grandmother and vice versa.  So at least that is something.  I'm a bit worried that one of them hasn't really been in touch but let it settle down and let's see where it goes from there.

Problem Solved

It was driving me nuts as I knew my scanner was faster than it was being with me.  I found out why - a good night's sleep  was all that was needed and a fresh look at the problem.  A few experiments earlier today and voila - problem solved.  I had asked the scanner to do a little too much processing prior to displaying the results and this morning - I got back to the levels I was expecting and thank goodness for that - the business looked completely unviable using the previous settings :-) I could have been drawing my old age pension I reckon :-)

I am feeling sort of OK about tomorrow's poke and peek.  I find these things a little daunting of course, who wouldn't?  But it is at a Private Clinic so parking should be OK.  I'm going to leave early and just spend time in the car park - I have music and I can work with my Lenovo Yoga touchpad and listen to music as well.  This time tomorrow it will all be over for another x months - I have yet to see what schedule they've put me on.

I just hope that they are a little more gentle than last time as I was "pissing razor blades" for a good few hours.  I certainly hope it is my Consultant who will see me.  She is gentler than the last two who have done me.

I've also now got my new editing software for videos and Blu Ray - it looks pretty good so far.  I am hoping that I can realise the authoring of these DVDs with perhaps a little advert to commence and then a menu and that they will take less time to assemble and burn - it certainly looks like it so far.

Wednesday, March 05, 2014


I get these every now and again.  This one was rather different as I was walking to the Post Office - an interesting walk involving crossing the rail tracks!  It was sunny, mildly warm and there was the faint smell of blossom in the air and it reminded me of my first house and how exciting it had been, that amazing feeling of the beginning of a new journey and a new adventure and being full of hope and looking forward to my life.  Of course this was with Mrs. F. at the time and I came across some photos of us in those early days.  How things changed and how sad I felt that we should have ended up like this.

I was sad because I can imagine how she feels but then again, I doubt she imagines how I feel.  I was happy enough today otherwise.  Of course apprehensive about Friday but that's only to be expected really.  I know that I feel well and that things appear to have been going well.

I find myself in a good frame of mind but I find that I miss my friend H very much - we are in touch but haven't met for 8 months or more now and she means so much to me.  Maybe we will get a chance later this year?  I'd like to hope so.  No - it's not what you think :-)

The business is keeping me busy but I find, like most things these days, there's always something that doesn't quite work - my software needs upgrading as the stuff I have doesn't quite do what I want it to.  No problems just means I need to do some more practice that's all.

Doing the work and running the business is going to be interesting I think.  I haven't tried (yet) but will do, running concurrence tests for video and scanning and perhaps editing and burning all at the same time to see how it goes.

Things are a little frustrating as the software never is intuitive - either that or I'm thick :-)  It's a matter of trial and error and documenting the best way to do things.  It will all come out in the wash as they say.  Speaking of which I did my ironing today and I'm getting quite domesticated.  

Tuesday, March 04, 2014

Ramping Up Ready For Friday

I bought my Ibuprofen and Paracetamol today along with some bottled water and have got my stress balls out ready, charged up my MP3 player and got my bag ready.  I always did like to get things sorted early.  I'm not as cranky as I thought might be but I definitely feel a little apprehensive and yet in many ways I am confident that I shouldn't have a recurrence.  I just hope they don't thump into my bladder wall again and make it look like a false positive that would be annoying. 

I've done my washing and shopping today and we've got rid of loads and loads of cardboard and rubbish.  I'm just waiting now for Flocky to give me the go ahead to put my stuff in the Attic and I can almost be clear at last.

I've been doing some more experiments today setting up Camcorder to DVD burner and to PC and changing aspect ratios and burning discs.  It's all part of a learning curve.  I wish that I had documented this a few years back when I did it last time.

Monday, March 03, 2014

A BBC Report on Bladder Cancer

It is often the case that I talk to people about bladder cancer and they are unaware of it and don't realise that, in men, it is the 4th most prevalent cancer overall it is 7th in men and women.   
The article "Why is no one talking about bladder cancer?" starts to address this.  What is surprising is that survival rates aren't going the way of other cancers.  It is very treatable with the right surgery and drugs.  It shouldn't be a mystery but it still is.

Scanning FInally Gets Underway

It's fun to start to learn how to scan in a variety of items including photos, negatives and slides.  It sure takes time to get into the groove but then I've only been doing it this afternoon.  Finally my office is becoming a production centre.  There's just too little space compared to my old home office.  Mind you, this will do I just have to be very clean and very tidy that's all.

It is strange how Friday is looming large in my mind but I shouldn't be worried as I have no symptoms or at least I don't think I do.  Let's hope that it will all be clear once again and that I can get on with my life and have that behind me.  It's no use worrying but the flashbacks aren't great at all.  I don't know how you ever stop those.

I do like being in the present most of the time - I can see that it is a bit difficult to always be there as it would be good not to worry about things.  I am not worried at the moment about anything other than changing my lifestyle a little bit more and losing some of the weight I gained over Christmas.  I am losing it but I just need to make sure that I don't have too much beer.  I seem to have been out drinking for weeks although it probably isn't.  

Anyway - let's see how I get on on Friday and take it from there.

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Sugar - Once Again

HERE  is an article in the Daily Mail - not my favourite newspaper but nevertheless this is worth reading.  The subtitle is "For four decades we've been led to believe that fat is the ultimate food enemy, but we've been fed a lie: the real danger is sweet, addictive – and found in almost everything we eat"

It is one of the biggest things I could ever recommend.  Stay away from the stuff it's pretty nasty as are most of the Carbs we shove into our bodies.  

Here are the key opening sentences:

"So what do you know about eating and getting fat? If you’re the average British person then it’s probably something along these lines: eating too much fat will make me obese, clog up my arteries and lead to a heart attack, so I should follow a low-fat diet and eat lots of fruit and vegetables.

Wrong. While you were busy fretting over your saturated fats and dietary cholesterols, there was a far more potent food nasty lurking in your kitchen: sugar. The amount of sugar we eat is now being blamed not just for the obesity epidemic but for heart disease, type 2 diabetes and soaring cancer rates. It’s not just the excess calories we’re consuming; the problem lies in the way we metabolise sugar.

‘We have been sold an absolute lie about food and health,’ says ZoĆ« Harcombe, nutritionist and author of The Obesity Epidemic. ‘It has been put about since the 1970s that fat was the bad guy, yet the only fats we know to be harmful are trans fats, and these are almost exclusively man-made. If the fat occurs naturally then it’s fine – no exceptions. Sugar, on the other hand, when added to food, is almost uniformly bad.’"


Not an unusual thing to happen given how nasty it all was.  I tend to do very well these days and don't worry about living after cancer as much as I used to.  Events, like this check up bring it all back in little flashbacks, they are like mini panic attacks and I was in the shower and suddenly I was back after my first operation lying in a bed all connected up with tubes and bits.  It sure makes me shudder.

I do hope that they find nothing once again and it just allows me to move on and move further.  The longer you have no recurrences.  Of course the last couple of these I've had, I've ended up going in for an operation and both times they've found nothing.  That's probably also why I'm feeling a bit wobbly about it.

Saturday, March 01, 2014

Cystoscopy 7th March

Well the letter was posted a good few days ago but only arrived yesterday at the old house and Mrs. F. quickly called me over to come and get the letter - it is at a clinic I've not been to before and off site in a Private Hospital so hopefully I can get parked up and get the procedure done.  It looks to be my consultant who is doing it so I'm hopeful that all will be OK.

Of course I'm all kranky at the moment as it does that to me.  I know it will be OK and I just need to work on getting up early enough to get over to this place.  I'd rather be there too early as it is an 08:30 appointment so it's half way over to Croydon during the rush hour - Perfect :-) (sarc).

So anyway I don't have long to ponder it and I need to remind myself to get myself together for it.  Seeing a friend of mine last night who had his esophagus removed reminded me of how ill I had been and in so many ways, it is probably only now that I truly start to realise the horror of it all because at the time whilst it frightens you the enormity isn't always entirely obvious.

My keyboard arrived and mouse and the software is loaded and I am ready to go.  I need to do some more tidying up though before then.  Wish me luck, I can hardly believe the amount of stuff I have to do.