Twelve Years Ago Today

Yes, it's been twelve eventful years since that day that I arrived at my Hotel and went to the toilet, only to discover that I was urinating a stream of blood.  The World Cup was on as I recall and I think we were beaten by Portugal.  I spent the next few days in disbelief as I continued to show signs which heaven knows were distressing enough and yet, I didn't feel unwell at that point.

This blog is a testimony to the NHS who sorted me out, the good, bad, ugly and indifferent, the highs and the lows, those who helped and those who shied away, those who came on the journey with me and those who did not.

It's a journey of love, hope and charity.  Amazing lows and extreme highs.  Looking back, I had one hell of a ride and much of it not caused by Cancer directly.  Sure the treatment was a challenge and dealing with mortality and other consequences but I didn't expect my head to have to go through all of that nonsense and of course, there were consequences of my marriage ending (not direct) and the realisation that I had to dig myself out of the "hopeless" space I was in.  I say hopeless but it lies in each of us to be able to get out of that blackest of spaces.  

Today, I'm a little down in the mouth, it's the day after 2nd July that it all kicked off.  It's the 3rd July today and the anniversary of my father's death through Pancreatic Cancer and tomorrow, it's my birthday. 

The overwhelming message is that it is great to be alive, you can cure Bladder Cancer although you do tend to live with the threat a lot more as I get checked every 6 months for recurrence.

If you've just been diagnosed, I hope that you will be encouraged that things get better and the main thing is don't think it is going to get fixed in a day, it takes a while longer than that and you have to bear with it whilst they sort you out.  Get your head into a good space if you can, relax and remember that you can help yourself as much as your team helps you through good diet, precautionary measures and keeping your head in gear too.  

A Qualified All Clear

I have to say that hydrating for a few days beforehand and using arnica seems to work in lessening the after effects of the flexible cystoscopyy.  I also use yoga breathing and just before i have the procedure, 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen which kick in about 10 minutes afterwards.

The procedure took longer and I did sneak a look at the monitor because my consultant saw what she felt was most probably an old biopsy scar. It didn't "look like a tumour" and so we agreed that rather than an operation to investigate, we would reconvene in 3  months to check it out.

I'm ok with that.  It's been almost 12 years since original diagnosis.  I'm still happy to be here and although those these scopes are challenging, they keep a good eye on me.

Creeping Up On You

It does that, every now and then you get a blast of depression, not the huge overwhelming stuff you had years ago but a sort of deep-seated fear in the pit of your stomach.  

Now I'm guessing that a series of events came up together to do this.  I always get a "bit cranky" at this time - my 6 monthly (more like 8 monthly this time) scope is tomorrow at 10 am.  SO I know I'm not looking forward to that in terms of the procedure and also there is always a nagging doubt when you go in case it isn't the news you actually want to hear.  On top of that, last night on BBC1's Panorama was a piece about the late Tessa Jowell who died earlier this year of a Brain Tumour.  She used he position in the House of Lords and as an ex-MP to build awareness for the disease and to champion the benefits of the various trials that were going on so that sufferers had access to them.

It was during that programme where a young chap was talking to his daughter who was upset about his tumour and that it had changed a bit as his left side was now paralysed and it was that part of the programme that did for me really.  I recall my daughters and how brave they were and once having a conversation with them some years later where, bless them, they thought I was going to say that the cancer had come back - I wasn't going to say that at all but you can see what they were thinking...  I'm pretty choked up writing this now because often it is the effect on your family that you also have to deal with.  Obviously, you are dealing with your own problems but having children and loved ones also dealing with it is traumatic too.

It's unlike me to get quite as emotionally strange as I am today because normally I go into myself and become quiet and try and remain peaceful and yet today I do feel quite disturbed.  

I should be happy really that I am being checked and looked after and that I feel as well as I do.  It's funny what the mind will do to itself.  I feel that I will need to go do some yoga breathing and just empty my mind for a while to get me past this.

Infrequent Posts - Just a memory now

Bladder Cancer is just a memory now and I suppose I only think about things two or three times a year - normally around scope check up time (which must be due soon).

I'm just writing because someone I know is under the knife today for Bowel Cancer.  He's lucky in that they've found it, it's operable and they've got him in very quickly which is great news.  He wasn't looking forward to it, who does but at least they will be able to sort him out and he can move on.

I had a chat about the mind stuff and trying not to rush or push things too early on. 

Life goes back to normal - it takes a while, it is all consuming at the beginning and then it all settles down and you get back to normal - whatever normal is :-)