Gee but it's cold

I don't remember a cold snap like this for 20 years or more. We got out today but it looks as if the whole place will turn into an Ice Rink tonight and tomorrow. Plus, we have more snow on the way to give us more problems tomorrow.

In the meantime - I am trying to work out why my radiator in my office isn't working? Airlock maybe? Will have to do some exploratory work tomorrow on that. At least working up here the heat is rising up the stairs so warmer here than downstairs.

Getting a crack on with my administration work which is just what I need to do. If I've learnt nothing else about having to do stuff you don't like it is to just "bite the bullet" as they say and get on and do it. I prefer the phrase we use at Doddle which is "time to eat the frog" :-)

Frog partially eaten - more frog to eat tomorrow. Best get it out of the way....

Extraordinary People

I always liked the saying "Remember that you are unique, just like everybody else" - tonight watching the TV I was reminded that so many people just what we think of as ordinary have extraordinary things they have done. Young girl on the TV survived a massive brain haemorrhage, another person today just turned up at a local shopping centre spending 3 hours digging people out of the snow and just RAOK (Random Acts Of Kindness) and then there are the people who have volunteered to work at the Hospitals because staff can't get in.

We forget how good we can all be with all today's negativity and this recent sneering TV attitude these days. Interview with Transport Minister giving him grief about condition of the roads - how often do you get 6" of Snow in 30 minutes? Then when he was trying to answer that they kept interrupting. The BBC used to do good unbiased reporting and they actually used to have news on the news. Now because of some entertainment programmes - you get breaking news followed by some anal entertainment update then some news items about hundreds of people being killed. I am going off the news from these guys as they rarely give unbiased reports, their journalists react rather than report and their propensity to talk down to me and to treat a ballroom dancing light entertainment as world news needs to be seriously thought through. Utter bollocks in my opinion and hardly the torch carrier for the world in terms of journalism.

The snow came in with a vengeance this morning and we are back under about 4 to 6 inches of snow - not as much as before but wetter and more inclined to freeze than the last lot (doesn't make sense but the last lot was more powder snow). Somehow we need to get L to work tomorrow if possible. It looks as if we might just miss a further set of snow tomorrow - but we wont know until then.

I have moved back into the office freeing up the dining room I have been working in for the past 6 weeks or so. I need to get stuck into some serious work in the next few days. The survey and web site seem to be going along fine at the moment so I'm pleased about that - but I am curtailing my workload for the remainder of the week and will try to make a fresh start on the 4th January - well that is the plan.

I'm now quite pleased with myself following last Tuesday's judgement day after having a few low days afterwards. Hearing from Steve in the US and also some of my friends - this is quite common and it seems unexpected but when you consider the sort of stresses you are under (even if you prepare and don't show them) you could see how it happens.

Whoa - Snow and Tired and Disaffected and...

So yes - Snow - wasn't expecting that until tomorrow - it has stopped but we have a good dusting - enough to make the roads slippy. The car isn't cured (this is my car) and will have to continue to wait to see what is wrong. Some sort of electrical problem the man says - they just need time to find and sort it out!

I've been working all day and just didn't fancy going out in the snow, hanging around for a train, getting cold all so I could get a few free beers and vol-au-vents - so I just carried on here. I have to say I didn't feel particularly welcome when I went there last time and so in a way I need to make this break with the place. I can't keep balancing that and my doddle work.

We are expecting a huge dump of snow tomorrow - that will be fun.

That's not good

I've been following a blog for some time and got the wrong end of the stick and thought that Jeanne had died a few months ago and was just shocked but I hadn't read it properly.  Things looked they were going quite well until today when this post was released.

I can't even begin to imagine how this feels.  I'm pretty sad about it but you have to admire and be in awe of this lady's attitude.  The Blog http://assertivecancerpatient.com/ is an excellent resource and testimony to living with cancer.

Saw this the other day - Christmas Dream - Perry Como

I'd forgotten the Odessa File started like this - rather seasonal I thought.

I'm getting into the spirit of this now :-)

Thursday dawns

I was up earlier than normal and I'm pretty much charged ready for today with the team.  I've cleared the decks and I'm ready to finish the year with a flourish and finalise the things I am working on and then get to do some serious R&R.

Before then though - I reckon I need to spend a few days on catching up on my administration work and a few days getting in touch with people I haven't spoken to all year long...

It's rather nice now, on reflection, to be looking forward to a year which promises a healthy start and I hope that it continues when the next judgement day arrives in April 2011 - it sounds a long way off doesn't it?  I bet it will be here in a flash :-)

Relax

It is time to slow down and relax.  The team are here tomorrow and I intend to look at shutting down as far as possible for a couple of weeks to recharge our batteries and hit 2011 at full pelt.  It will also give me time to catch up on some essential administration here.

I could do with a couple of weeks off and just take some time for myself for once.  I don't think I will need to convince the boys too much about that.

After tomorrow I have a few more things to do to get ready for Christmas but it is Mrs. F's birthday first and Christmas doesn't happen until the 17th at the earliest and more like the 18th.  She has to work tomorrow which is a real shame.  We are booked for a meal in the evening so we may get back home before the bad weather - on its way from the Arctic, sets in.   Bbbrrrrr.....

After the High - the Low

Now you'd be right to think what has HE got to be Low about but it is just the way I feel today - I should be ecstatic but in fact I'm a little bit down and not bubbly etc.  I can raise my game to be me when everyone is around but actually I feel a little flat.

I think it is to do with the stress (whether concious or not) of going to get your judgement and I felt really in control and well prepared yesterday and happy but not leaping around when it was over.  I hadn't thought about it one way or the other.

Today I think my body has just relaxed and it is as if I am drawing breath again and so I feel quiet, reflective, grey, neutral and not much of anything.  It is a very strange place to be in but just goes to show how much it takes out of you leading into one of these procedures where you get to have your fortune read and where your stress levels are much higher than you probably thought they were.

After all said and done I am very happy with the result - today though I am just not showing it :-)

Reflections

I went up to the pub and met my mates and we had a good few beers and a belly full of laughs and I managed to squeeze out my apology for being a "bit of an arse" a little while ago.

For some reason, I like to beat myself up and give myself a hard time about my condition and how I treat my friends and how - well - self centred I am.   You may think that when you have Cancer, it is all about you and I suppose you would be right.  The problem is that I suddenly get a gripping fear about it all being about me and that I somehow turn into a "Me. Me. Me. Me" sort of person.  I suppose it does do that and then I try and redress the balance.

It's not easy being in this place and it's not easy balancing your own needs with those of others.  This blog is the pressure valve on many occasions and thank goodness it is here as without it, where could I have turned?

Today the news has once again been good and I can only hope that it continues to be so.  To everyone I have offended in the past 4 1/2 years I apologise but there is every possibility that I will continue to offend you for as long as I write :-)

Wishing you all a great Christmas - I think that now I am going to have one and that I am ready to pack up work for a short while and just relax properly.

Clear

Well that went better than expected - all clear and things are looking up.  The cytology was clear and the scope was fine - in fact better than I expected it to be.  That was clear, so pleased with the news and really delighted that it was a better experience than the first one I had which was of course when I was bleeding heavily and not really at all mentally ready.

Today I started off with drinking quite a bit of water and coffee and just kept going and had around 2 or 3 pints by the time I left to go to the Hospital.  The hairdresser distracted me and I went to have a shower and got myself ready.  As it happens when we arrived I was whisked in pretty quickly, did  a urine test and got changed into my gowns, I swallowed two ibuprofen and two paracetamol and then went in - they gave me two antibiotic tablets and I was then on the bench and if I was there 2 minutes that was all it was.  The Registrar did the procedure and said that he'd like to see me in 4 months for another scope.  

There was some discomfort but not the awful stinging I had last time and it was similar to having the BCG done.  The nurse said my breathing was good and I explained that all the BCGs I'd had probably helped - as usual my stress balls caused some comment but as I explained - I find it works well as I don't move my hands about and it allows me to concentrate on breathing as well.

I'm now going to sit back and do nothing for the rest of the day!  I also had a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch as a reward - I don't eat bread and so it was like comfort eating :-)

I'm obviously delighted with the result and can look forward to Christmas and every other day in a better vein.

Slept Well

I don't tend to if it is an operation and I'm ready to go in and at the moment just waiting for the hairdresser to turn up so I can get my hair cut and then get into preparation mode at full tilt.

Drinking plenty of water and liquids so that I am well hydrated.  It may hurt when you pee but making sure you can actually pee and just wash it all through is equally important.  

These procedures are important little milestones in the overall scheme of things.  I am hoping that I'll get a clear of course but nothing can be guaranteed.  I liked the fact that people tell me how well I look these days - hell I must have looked rough before :-)  I did see some older photos of me and I looked grey and washed out so perhaps there is something in that?  I am hoping that all will be well today - that would mean a good Christmas and New Year and no matter how I play down the fact that this is just one of those things you have to do and that it doesn't play on your mind.  From experience the relief and energy you get after being told things are OK is massive so there must be some seed of doubt and worry, I guess it is just natural to fear the worst - even an optimist must do that I guess.

At least this will be out of the way though and that is a good thing.  More later. 

Judgement Day

In 12 hours to be exact - I'm sort of ready to go, we have the hairdresser at 9 in the morning and then I can go have a shower.  Mrs. F will run me down to the Hospital and I can call her when I am out.  I have my stuff ready to go - a Kindle, MP3 player, stress balls, Meds and some water, my letter and a few other bits and pieces.  I must remember to have plenty to drink.  

Mrs. F. and the girls are going off to London to see the Nutcracker and so they will just drop me off here and I'll look after myself for the rest of the day.  Hopefully they will be home in the early evening.

It is Mrs. F's birthday on Thursday and we were going to book a restaurant but the weather looks atrocious for Wednesday night and in to Thursday morning.   It looks as if we will have a severe fall of snow like a few weeks back.  Not looking forward to that I have to say but we will just have to see how it is.

I'm reasonably relaxed about going for the flexible cystoscopy tomorrow.  I've had one before and although that was a long time ago, I remember the only bit was how bad it stung.  That is why when I arrive and just before the procedure I'm going to bash down two ibuprofen and two paracetamol.  I hope that it will sort me out long enough to get home and then I can just curl up in bed for an hour or two.

Still not right

So I cancelled going out Saturday as my throat feels like it is wrapped in barbed wire and now I've got the sneezes to go with it.  I wanted to go but realised that if I got cold or chilled travelling there and back I may not make the do on Sunday.  It all happens this time of year.

Have maxed out on Paracetamol and had the team around today as well.  Things are coming together quite well but a few minor problems are just holding back our progress at the moment.

At least we got the customer survey and questionnaire finished and I can publish that in time to bore all my friends at Christmas.  

Best head off to bed and see if I can't shake this cold or whatever it is off.  It isn't debilitating as such it is just a nuisance.  It has been a week since I had my tooth out and that appears to be healing OK although there is still some swelling around the area. 

Mrs. F & L are off to Gloucester tomorrow - L is attending the University there for an interview.  She has a presentation to give and has to discuss education with them.  I think she will do well.  They have to get there and stay overnight in an Hotel and then carry out quite a bit on Saturday and they'll get back Saturday night.

I hope that I'm fit and well when they get back or for Sunday when we have our Christmas Carvery Lunch which I am really looking forward to.  Of course next week will be interesting too as I have my judgement day and it is Mrs. F's birthday too so again a busy week ahead.

Rough

I feel rough as you like today - sore throat still, I'd have thought that should have gone by now and thudding low down headache.  I've had enough pills to kill a horse and I'm finding sitting down trying to work just isn't doing anything for me at all.  

I will perhaps give up and just go and lie down when Mrs. F and A and L arrive back from the Nativity Play up at the Nursery.   

I was disappointed to hear last night that a friend had lost her job after 15 years in the job on some trumped up disciplinary.  Little people hide behind this sort of behaviour, if you want rid, step up to the plate and say so don't dress it up as something that you made up that they did wrong.  This is someone who went out of her way to make sure things happened - in her own time and all the other heroics she performed.  The good thing is that the people left behind who assisted in the betrayal don't know the half of it and it should be amusing to watch it all tumble down like a house of cards.  However, she is left with the bad taste and feeling that she did wrong when  once again some little jumped up spreadsheet jockey - who obviously has no balls - wants to balance his books.  Good for him, I hope that his employers - for he answers to others - sh1t on him like he has on others.  Little prick.

I've quite tired myself out doing that little flame out.  I'd like to meet the little git face to face, little dictators are my speciality :-)

Right - retiring hurt - I feel I want to cough but know it will feel like barbed wire if I do :-(

Blimey it's cold today

Then I found out Mrs. F. had wound the thermostat down to 15!  15 for goodness sake no wonder my feet are like blocks of ice.  The best bit is she gets in and says it's cold in here why don't you put the thermometer up?  

The laptop has been playing up all day - it intermittently drops the network but not the internet and just randomly connects and disconnects as and when it feels fit.  This is apparently quite normal.  Of course if I'd like to invest a few thousand pounds upgrading the reminder of the house's PCs and infrastructure then it would go away.  As if!

Finding that some of my team aren't taking the launch of the web site in the right way seeking only to publish the web site address without positioning it with the obvious result that people don't get it and have written huge critiques about it.  That has been put right now and hopefully the little note positioning it will go out and stop wasting everyone's time.  Certainly we got fed up with trying to fend off loads of comments that wouldn't have been fielded in the first place if they were correctly managed.  Some people have an overly romantic view of what it is to build a company from scratch thinking, I am sure, that this will all be easy and corporate.  Those of us who have done it before know that this is the honeymoon period, the worst is about to break upon us in 2011 if we get the money.  I feel I may have to just give these guys a reality check talk soon.

So today has been one of cold feet (in more ways than one) a few smack downs and at last I have completed the customer survey form and got that on-line and in a printable version - thank goodness for that.  It has taken me months to get everyone to agree it and finally that is done.  

This time next week I'll have had my judgement day inspection and no doubt be hopping around peeing razor blades.  I am getting myself prepared for that but frankly, after having had plenty of things shoved up me without the benefit if local anaesthetic and all the other stuff they do to me these days this will be a relief not to have to prepare myself for an in patient procedure.

Aspirin

The latest information on Aspirin - amazing findings out this morning from the BBC and I just saw the interview http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11930988 it is pretty impressive findings based on lots of data.

A small daily dose of aspirin - 75mg - substantially reduces death rates from a range of common cancers, a study suggests.

That's the dosage I've been on for around 4 years so let's hope that it is so.

Fun

Having fun, enjoying the company of people and just all getting along with each other.  It was so nice this evening to find that the guy I've been having so many problems with over quite a period of time is almost back to his old time best.  He is still in deep trouble but at last seems to have accepted that and is fighting his way back.  His old sense of humour is appearing again and that's just great and it is pleasing to see that.  Fingers crossed for him, he has an interview and could land himself a job that may actually steady his ship and allow him to build into 2011.  I do hope so.  He has had a wretched time of it this year.  It will also give me a bit of a breather too.

Talking of a laugh, L & A were on top form tonight L has my sense of the absurd and A has my darker sense of humour.  Between them bouncing off each other and taking the rise out of me too it was seriously amusing in the house tonight.  We haven't had quite so many laughs for a long time.  I like it and they are very funny when they relax and get going.  I hope that the next few weeks will be good for us over the festive season - goodness knows we haven't had the best of times these past 4 1/2 years and I'm seriously considering just putting everything on hold and just going for a two week mellow and chill out, leave the business to look after itself and see if we can't all get back to normal again.   

Not that things were abnormal but you can probably imagine that things have been strained and we have all had to deal with me being ill.  I may whinge about how I've been, to them it can have been no easier seeing my looking like sh1t and perhaps  not being my usual self.

Time to let our hair down and make up for the rather staid Christmas holidays we have had before.  I will see if I can make that so for us all, it would be a good goal to aim for before the end of the year.

No Screening For A While Then

This report just out:

http://www.screening.nhs.uk/bladdercancer and the report can be downloaded here show that it isn't conclusive to run screening tests at the moment to diagnose bladder cancer.

I know that I am still providing samples regularly which I believe are in part to do with this.  They get the sample some time before hand and can relate the actual results to those in the sample.

I'm still pretty impressed with the rate that discoveries are happening and after listening to Professor Colin Cooper a month or so back about the advances in Prostate Cancer research - I think that things are moving in the right direction.

Let's hope that bladder cancer, which is getting pretty much high up on the list of male cancers at No. 4 will be able to be detected early and dealt with swiftly in the future.  Until then, we need to be thankful of the work that has been done to date especially in the efficacy of BCG.

1 week to go until my Judgement Day.  At least I will not be going through the pre-assessment (would have been tomorrow) and all that palaver.  Now to see if I can brave the Flexible Cystoscopy out - after having my Wisdom tooth pulled last week and root canal a few weeks before that I sure hope so. 

A Cold - Just the After Effects?

I can't tell whether this sore throat and occasional sneeze is a cold or the after effects of the tooth extraction.  I have felt lousy for the past 4 days ever since I've had the tooth hauled out.   I'm still whacking back the tablets and hoping that they will resolve the headache and other jaw and throat issues.  

Last night was one of those nights where - as often happens - I got to thinking too much and the room closed in around me and I felt claustrophobic and melancholy all at the same time.  I'm not sure what brought it on, maybe the slight tweaks in my throat and nose were making me breath unusually or perhaps thinking about things too much from the previous blog.  I certainly had an unsettled night taking a while to relax and then to actually fall asleep.

Little episodes like this happen and I sometimes don't understand why - I'm really fragile and vulnerable at those moments.  I was really sad and down and just felt sorry for myself.  Luckily these episodes pass and I can get up and on pretty fast from them these days.  

I need to see if I can find out what the trigger event(s) were so I can recognise this sort of thing coming and deal with it.  At least it isn't as bad as the earlier episodes which gives me hope that these will continue to get fewer and farther between and be shorter and less intense.  They are still not very nice though.  I guess my heads repairing itself as well as my body getting back to some sort of normality.

Perception

Is everything so the tag line on our site goes.  But perception means many things.  I like our tag line as it works on many levels it says a lot about how we feel about the business and how we feel about ourselves.  It also asks the reader to reflect on what they are thinking and feeling etc.

So perception - how do I or others perceive bladder cancer?  It floated into my head tonight and I  considered what I knew from the various conversations I have had and some of the observations I made on my journey.   There are major differences of course if you talk to someone who has or has had cancer as opposed to someone who hasn't.   

Perception is the knowledge between those of us who have had cancer and how we immediately understand the situation of the other person.  By this I mean as soon as we both realise that we have had cancer then we automatically have a bond of understanding and we know what the other has probably been through and it is OK (generally) to talk in some detail about what went on and how we are, the tests and the blood and gore etc.

If we haven't got that cancer bond then it can be a difficult conversation and that in itself is where the perception bit comes in.  It is just difficult in terms of subject matter and different people process it differently and that makes for some interesting conversations.  

I was quite surprised to see someone almost jump back in surprise when I said I'd survived cancer :-) it was as if I'd have come back from the dead or something.

Some people are curious, some patronising, some fearful and some just want to get the hell away from you.   It's all driven by what you do and don't know and what you think or how you are taught to think.