Superstitious

I am flying to Scotland tomorrow.

11th September!

Oh well not to worry eh

I wouldn't normally do last minute

But tonight I suddenly realised that I am out tomorrow morning off to London and hadn't even printed off my notes or addresses!

Just doing that now at 1 in the morning.

Oh the fun of it - I'm normally very good at doing this sort of stuff too. Just recently have I become disorganised.

Getting nearer

It is getting nearer and nearer. The thought about going back into hospital again is not a good one but I am nowhere near as bad as I was about this before. I think the session I did with my Hypnotherapist really made a massive difference. I'm not getting as bad as I was about this last time and in fact I believe that I might even be looking forward to the opportunity that this will be the last hospitalisation.

The results of the tests, if clear, will mean that the next time they need to check me - it will be under a local anaesthetic. OK that isn't pleasant and it stings a bit for sure! However, it will be preferable to the trauma of Hospital and it shouldn't involve all the other stuff - like injections and cannulas and so on.

It has been a funny old journey to this point. Strange that I have hope that this is a turning point coming up. Hope that I can get on to maintenance no matter how grizzly it sounds to have the BCG treatment or how the side effects kick in. You'd rather have that than the alternative.

I spoke to a friend who has 12 tablets a day and he asked the Doctor could he possibly give some of them a miss - the Doctor replied "If you want to die, yes".

We agreed that this was a pretty compelling reason to take the tablets! Even I - who hates any drugs at all - now take my tablets.

Reflections on the week

Well it was a good week - I suppose anything would be compared to the last few weeks. Things finally started to come good and so work looks a lot better. I'm away later this week off to Scotland for a few days which will be interesting as it marks the launch of the business into the public domain.

This should also mean that I start to get some cash flow into the business as well - always useful.

However - the downside is that I am so tired. I had been out 5 days out of 6 and so that probably didn't help things. So overall I am getting far more positive (despite the fact that it is less than three weeks before I go back in for biopsies) but I am feeling quite tired.

I am surprised (still) how much it has taken out of me.

Tired

I've been out to Dover and back today and last night I was with another perspective partner for the business.

I am as tired as you like this evening. I had a few minutes snooze earlier - an early night is in order.

I'm still surprised quite how much stamina I have lost. I can't keep going for long periods of time working as I used to nor can I recover as quickly. I'm hoping that keeping well will help and exercising just add to that.

Out with the old school chums

Last night, that was good except we have a new barman who put brandy in a scotch glass and vice versa. That made for an interesting first taste!

A good evening - I do get really tired these days - it never used to be like this and whilst many have less sleep I appear to be sleeping longer.

So how do I tell someone

To go and stick their asinine problem where the sun don't shine.

You go and do a batch of voluntary work only for some idiot to start digging you out.

I can't believe this guy - I've sorted out bucket loads of problems for him/them in my own time and all he can do is wag the finger at me. I ought to break that off and shove it up his - oh well you get the picture.

Never teach a pig to sing - it takes ages and upsets the pig :-)

Just like a Pro

Met up with some "older" folks at the Jazz night (as you do). We were chatting about how they haven't seen me since April and what had happened etc.

We were rattling off drug names, side effects and Mg taken etc., like no ones business. Gee it is going to be great getting old as long as you can pronounce (or even remember) what medication you are on, how much you are taking, what the side effects are, how you react to them and how many doctors you know.

I couldn't compete - in a drug filled Olympics for how many tablets consumed in a day I am just a young upstart a mere amateur! LONG may it remain so.

An evening out

On my own - well with some friends - but on my own (without the family).

Off to a Jazz night - I used to be a regular but missed a lot of these because of the treatments.

Looking forward to some decent beer and music - in that order.

The Okey Cokey ISP

In - out - in - out.

All day long the internet is there and then it isn't - what a way to run a business.

Another 2 hours worth of mucking about and finally I am re-connected.

Back to Normal - almost

Wife and girls out of the house. All quiet, no shouting up and down the stairs, no opposing music styles being played in different rooms.

Finally peace and quiet and what happens? Yes, the internet ups and dies and I've spent the past couple of hours sorting that out again.

Virgin Media - pile of poo more like...

Jane Tomlinson

When I said a few weeks back that my friend and I were sitting talking and using the word fraud about ourselves and how we had survived our cancer, I hadn't got an example but today with the sad news about Jane Tomlinson's passing - you might better understand what I mean. This was one feisty lady when told she hadn't got long to live - she spent her last years cramming in a lot of fund raising and awareness work.

Her obituary is HERE. An ordinary mum and housewife who went on to do extraordinary things and to raise over £1.5M.

Looking up

This week has been a little better than I could have imagined. At last some movement on the partners for the business.

At last some people who are actually aware that they have got to put some work into an idea to get some money out the other end.

Signatures going onto paper and after all is said and done a healthy number of enquiries as well.

You know you are getting old when

Your daughter calls you in the morning to tell you that she just passed her driving test! Good grief - she has just dropped her mum off at work and is driving home on her own - brave girl. I wouldn't have fancied doing that (driving solo) less than an hour after passing my test.

A New Week

Let's see how we get on. Businesses should be back at work this week, kids back at school or college.

It has started already so perhaps I'll get some work done after all.

See?

1:30 in the morning and I can't say I'm wanting to be awake but I am. I'm thinking of nothing much in particular. I've decided to get up rather than disturb and I've found my way in here to see that one of my PCs has seized up - only the one running an overnight batch job (of course) so I'll have to do that another day.

I'm annoyed about some of the petty things that happen in life and I guess there is a bit of me realising that the kids are growing up - oldest has her driving test on Tuesday!

I'm just getting old and don't want to. I also am having the mid life bit - you know - I've probably lived for longer than I'm going to live :-)

I have a very bad brain for that sort of thing :-)

Anyone want to say pull yourself together or anything equally crass - get in line!

What the hell is wrong with me

Having got the last bit off of my chest - perhaps I ought to get back to the reality of the situation and that is I am beginning to use the "D" word and recognising that I am actually quite depressed at the moment. The euphoria of being out of imminent danger has worn off. The huge life style change hasn't really happened.

Nothing is quite as I want it to be. It is all somewhat of a let down at the moment. Don't give me any of the old, your lucky, you survived and all that as it isn't that. It is a whole combination of things and events all happening at once. It is the realisation that things move on. That I probably won't change the world. That so many things that may have appeared important actually no longer are. It is the realisation that perhaps I've taken a turning off of the road that my friends and family are travelling along and I'm now lost somewhere.

Whatever it is - I know I'm here and I know when to ask for help, the trouble is it is very personal. It is also a spiral thing in that you get worse when you try to pull yourself out of it. I'm not in a bad one, don't get me wrong, I'm just having difficulty keeping everything together, in some sort of perspective and in some sort of order based on how "really" important or urgent each of these things to be done or sorted out actually are. It is also to do with the next hospitalisation and how inconvenient that is.

I also believe that you'll only understand this if you have gone through something similar - it won;t make sense if you've had your tonsils out or some such thing,

Things that make your blood boil

I have a guy at the moment who wanted to know about partnering with my new business. Now - remembering that this is a business that has been invested in for 2 years by a number of people who haven't seen a return yet and are therefore - what I term - real entrepreneurs. This arse is upset that I've sent him a document where he actually has to invest some capital to get money out the other end.

I am SO looking forward to this "entrepreneur" calling me tomorrow. As you can imagine I will be my charming and considerate self.

OK - maybe not. There is no such thing as a free meal. People who think that they can make money by not putting in any effort need to go back to their day jobs. It is a sad fact that 80% of the people I meet who call themselves entrepreneurs don't even have standard Employers and Employees and Public liability insurance. None of them know about basic health and safety at work, legal and statutory requirements or anything else but have the damn right audacity to tell me that they are entrepreneurs. I wouldn't trust many of them to sit the right way up on a toilet (thanks Rowan Atkinson).

There are so many people you meet who are just a total waste of Oxygen. Unfortunately what I'd like to do to them is illegal but a Vet would get away with it if it were an animal!

Getting towards "that" time

Almost a year ago when I was told I'd have to go in again. That was about now but the Op was 18th September I think. That was the one where I should have been in for a day and when I woke up they'd turned me into RoboCop :-0 well, maybe not.

That was the one that prompted this blog but, if I am truthful about it, that was probably the defining operation and meeting as it showed that the cancer was limited to the bladder, showed the kidneys were OK and the operation got rid of nearly all the really nasty stuff that was in there. I then had the treatment, the next operation and this last lot of treatment. It is amazing to me that a year has gone by already and that I am going to be back in for yet another operation. It seems a lot shorter time than that but the dates don't lie.

So heading towards anniversary two - that operation was a complete surprise to me but - it is standard practice so I understand to re- do the area and whilst I was somewhat beaten up after that - at least I was given every opportunity to survive. You can't ask for much more.

I'm nowhere near as worried about going in this October. I'd rather not but there is no option. It now becomes a matter of fact going in for operations. If anything, it gets slightly easier because you know the worst is over (unless they find something nasty you wont have to go through the hell of the first two ops). There's still the stress to deal with but that is probably manageable now and again, because you know what to expect, you can work your way around that too.

It will also be fun trying to find out what "rules" they will apply this time before they let you go home! I must remember to ask what the rules are so I can cover that one - they changed each time so far depending who was in charge. Inevitably, once I do get home I'll be laid up for a week anyway but let's hope that it is good news and this is the last time I need to go in under general anaesthetic. Mind you - having this sort of thing done under a local is no fun either.

Having said all this - you do start to get stressed out a bit as you get nearer the date.

Same old same old

Had my mum phone up yesterday saying that I sounded a bit down on Thursday - which is true. I'm a bit better now than I was but it is a combination of things that are working all at once.

Not enough time - but when I do get time it gets wasted on trivial things like PCs which are still irritating the hell out of me especially as I can;t get pictures off of my video camera onto the PC - heaven alone knows what is going on with the PC as I can hear it whirring away and there are no programmes active! Then there is the unofficial help desk - another friend needs their PC sorted out - that takes time and I don't say no often enough.

Somewhere along the line I have got to put my foot down and also drop off some of the things that I am doing.

At least some good news on the job front with my first partner signed up on Monday and with a bit of luck my second later in the week. That will be a relief.