Blogging mid afternoon - on a work day?

Yes, I finally had to give in and leave at 2 pm. I went for a walk and still kept falling asleep at my desk. That's dangerous for me but also other people so I decided to come home. It took all my concentration to stay awake on the express train as I might have ended up 60 miles away in Hastings if I'd have fallen asleep. I played loud music but still managed partial snoozing!

I am home and had a call just as I got here so I am in this sort of half life at the moment. I have that "stuffy head" which is screaming for sleep but not right this minute. I actually plan to wander downstairs and hit my favourite chair and have a snooze there after writing this. I am yawning away.

Andy P has hopefully had whatever it is by now and is drinking that nice cup of clear fresh water and fingers crossed all is working out well for him.

Me - that is it - I HAVE to go and get some rest - I have a big day tomorrow and must be ready for that.

Dog tired - again

4pm and I was nodding off again at my desk, I had a double espresso - it did nothing! So I stood at my desk - making the place look untidy. I got my train, promptly slept all the way home (hope I didn't snore) missed a few phone calls too - I don't think my phone went off it may have gone to answer in one of the tunnels.

I see Steve K in the US is also suffering from tiredness. It is the one thing that I noticed either post BCG or Post operative. Strangely enough last year I was having massive fatigue and wasn't even able to get out of bed. I used to have to have the day off as I could sleep for hours.

I put it down to Post Cancer Fatigue and also that you whole body after BCG is out repairing cells, kicking out old ones and I think that the analogy to having post traumatic stress disorder is also - in a way - true too.

I think the only way out of this is to exercise, continue to eat properly and to ensure that you don't try and do too much. I certainly noticed that a few late nights and the payback is a few days afterwards as I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Andy P is due in to Hospital tomorrow and I have dropped him a line. He has had his TURBT and is going in for the 3 month check up. Lets' all wish him well and hope for a good outcome. Andy's staging is a lighter grade of cancer (can there be such a thing?) and he had a TURBT to get rid of it. Tomorrow he will find out the initial visual details and perhaps in a few weeks time hear what the next steps are.

For us all it means long term care, review etc. Which also begs the question - what on earth is happening to my treatment. I went to the Hospital on the 22nd January and it will be 4 weeks tomorrow and I haven't heard anything??

Tuesday - are you SURE it isn't Friday?

By 4 pm I was nodding off at my desk. I managed to hold off until 5 when I met my friend and went for a few beers and had my first Burger for what must be a year or more - Good Old Burger King!! We had a few beers and a burger, and got the 9 O' Clock train hence I am writing this at 9:45. My friend's wife also dropped me off home which was very nice indeed.

We had a long and interesting chat tonight and it was nice to get home at civilised hour. We often only just make the last train home! I suggested that we must be getting old if we were home by 10!

I cannot believe it is only Tuesday - so tired am I. I hope I manage the rest of the week :-)

A first

This year - I actually drove my car for the first time in 2 months I guess. Was a bit surprised how fast it was and managed to out score the traction control at one point. Ooops. Nice to be back in the Cat though even if on a local journey.

Dear oh dear though I have been yawning all the way through the evening and the tinnitus is driving me mad today. I got to my destination in time for my ears to switch into "muffled in a tunnel" mode! Great - it made conversation very difficult indeed.

I can see that by the end of this week I will be having to have another rest as I am also out tomorrow night now too.

There is an underlying fatigue to just about everything I do these days. The utter fatigue can just switch on and you hardly know it is coming as you tend to feel tired all the time. Tonight - I just kept going and I am through it but there will be pay back somewhere and it will turn up when I least expect it.

I've started to have mild cold symptoms again today but so far it is just a runny nose - I want it to stay that way if possible. Not sure if I could cope with a second cold this year.

Still nothing in the post

It is getting to be a bit of a waiting game. They haven't done this to me before and I am a bit surprised but perhaps it is that there isn't too much urgency and they will fit me in when they can. The later it gets now the nearer the operation will be to holiday time though so not sure about that.

I can only guess they are also catching up after the backlog caused by the weather too.

Whatever they are doing it is leaving me a bit in "no mans land" and I'm not a great lover of being hung out like this as I can't get on and plan things.

Work was a bit flat today - I couldn't get into my normal wit and repartee - I have been told to try harder tomorrow, so I will!

I wonder what the hold up is?

I heard from Andy P and he will be having his procedure on Thursday, in the morning and I'm glad that his BP has returned to normal.

Steve K has finished his BCG instillations on the day that this was published. It describes a "danger receptor" that may kick-start an immune reaction to cancer in the body has been uncovered by UK researchers.

Well Steve and I can tell you all about that with out BCG treatments because that is just what it does. Perhaps this will help us in the future and treatments will become more effective? Let's hope so for future sufferers. It would be nice if the could prevent it in the first place of course but the ongoing research certainly seems to be getting somewhere.

A bust week ahead for me - not sure if I will feel quite so keen come tomorrow though! I feel I could do with a break and I've only worked 4 days!!

Sleep

I again find myself sleeping in and although feeling the better for it - I find losing those hours annoying. I suppose it is just the body doing a repair job and I'll probably be grateful for the rest. I have a full week ahead of me and there are lots of things to be achieved.

Friday will be good as I have a meeting with my colleagues in my venture company and then I am going off for a curry evening which I intend to fully enjoy.

Working

It was a strange day as I was working most of it. I have been running some figures for a business I am involved with and needed to get some more details and my friend and I spent a lot of time going into the figures which I have just completed. Of course, I've done it again. I have been working all evening with figures and my head is doing mathematical calculations a plenty so I hope that I will actually get to sleep without too much trouble.

Everyone who sees me says I look well - which is good - at least the outside looks OK then! From the inside I still feel somewhat worn out. My ears are still giving me problems but again are getting better but ever so gradually.

As for the rest of me - I think all is OK but the wait to hear when treatment begins is unusual. Perhaps they are considering something else? Who knows - it will come soon enough but I'd like to know so I can plan things out.

It is half term week so Mrs. F. and the girls are off - I hadn't realised that until perhaps a day or so ago! I am at work next week and so will have to plan for time off together next time.

A full on day today

I am running another bit of work with a friend and we are meeting up today to go through some of the details. It is a strange thing working on a Saturday and back to my old days doing a bit of work at the weekends and evenings to catch up on things. This is a business plan and so it needs quite a bit of work to ensure that we have entered the figures correctly and also that they are realistic.

At least it will keep me out of the office for the day but not stop me working.

I've not heard back from the Hospital and so assume that I can go to work on Monday and be OK for going out Monday evening too. Perhaps I'll gt the letter next week?

On a sad note, the celebrity who had Cervical Cancer got the bad news yesterday after it having spread that there isn't a great deal to do and time is limited. Not sure quite how I'd feel about being given an 8 week diagnosis? Puts my problems into perspective.

Blat

Well

I got the PC booked in, got some Valentines goodies. Then had a Bacon Sandwich and a cup of tea and hit the local pub. Called a friend of mine and ended up getting home - by taxi at 8 this evening. Ouch - I went out at 11 this morning.

However, I have had a very nice day out. I ensured I had plenty to eat as well as drink.

Slightly disappointed to find that my eldest is off to see her boyfriend tonight and that no one actually thought to let me know. I'm pretty sore about that - how difficult can it be to say that???

Dysfunctional can easily be applied sometimes to life here. I don't mind the fact that it happened but to tell me afterwards isn't exactly useful.

A day off

I think I deserve a day off - a lie in this morning was nice until some numpty started phoning. However it was a good two or three hours longer than normal and so was still a good start.

I am just catching up on e-mails and everything else that has happened this week. Steve in the US has had his last BCG of this set without issues so that is good and he can relax for 2 or 3 months now. Not much on my case at all really. I still haven't heard back about their deliberations on Monday. I wonder whether there is a quandary brewing up as I have already had 1 year's maintenance and they want to do a second one. I suppose it must be a borderline case?

I am aiming to go down to the Computer Shop in a little while to see if they can save any of the data on my hard drive. If they can it will be a bonus - if not then a new hard drive can be fitted and I can reload the OS, drivers etc.

If they cannot find the two or three files I was working on then I am sort of screwed up and will have to work out quite how I present the accounts that I had actually completed and balanced for the last two years :-)!!

A nice slow day is required and sitting here blogging is not in today's list of relaxing activities.

A very long day

It is 11 pm now. I left at 6:10 am. I had a very good journey to work, caught the connection - don't tell Mrs F but I then found a Greasy Spoon Cafe and had a full English Breakfast and two large mugs of tea before arriving at the venue.

The presentation went OK and the only problem was that I overloaded it with cases studies so I overran slightly :-) Anyway, I can repair that. We came back to London and got to the office in an hour and then went off to a Lodge meeting and a very nice meal at the Radisson in Covent Garden - Seven Dials. I had been invited out to another meeting on Wednesday night but I was worried I may have been post treatment and also that I would have today straight afterwards. A good move considering how tired I am.

Fast train home and when I got here a 1 1/2 mile walk home in the snow and sleet and slush. Remarkably one side of the road was covered and the other wasn't so it wasn't too bad a walk.

I am having tomorrow off - I need a rest. As for the remainder of my body - well my ears are ringing still but I feel a lot better I think for having gone back to work.

It was interesting as someone who is not in my office told me that the whole office has perked up which is a nice compliment - I hope I can live up to my hype!

One of those days tomorrow

It will be an interesting day as I am giving one of my first presentations to people who may use our services rather than talking to people whom I am trying to get to part with their money!

Then back to the Office and out for the evening. Interestingly they say there may be a little snow - Hope not too much. I decided to take Friday off as I would probably be too knackered to get up after this week and wrapping that up with a late night.

At least that gives me an opportunity to get he laptop sorted and to prepare for some work I am doing over the weekend.

I've heard nothing from the Hospital - I know they were looking at my case on Monday - I wonder what they decided to do???

Suppose I'll find out soon enough.

Bitter Pill

Bitter Pill, Biting the bullet and other such cliches spring to mind.

I thought it was quite funny how I can sagely give out advice:

"You should calm down a bit" "Get a job with less hours", "Take it easy now" etc

And yet ask myself to do it...

That is a TOTALLY different thing. I'm not absolutely sure I know what I am fighting against here. Consider what exactly would I be doing if I were back fire fighting on some of the jobs I used to be on. Away for a week at a time, working long hours, Hotel food day and night, too many beers and not enough good food. Things wouldn't be sustainable given treatment, fatigue and other such things.

I am being a real stick in the mud and resisting this change and I really would feel a fraud just "doing the minimum" and taking the cash and yet it is what a great deal of people do. I've had huge responsibility and real pressure and stress and targets to meet and all that stuff which I thrive on but taking it easy is probably the hardest, most stressful and difficult thing I have ever had to face in my career. It just never happens.

Funny old world isn't it?

The hardest thing for me to do

If you know me - you'd know that the hardest thing for me is the drop out of light speed I have experienced in the past few years.

I've been what some would call a 'high flyer' although I'm - in my estimation - a troubleshooter who just uses common sense to sort out problems. I've worked with some of the top 100 companies in the world, I've been right up there - full on - working my bum off and being rewarded accordingly.

What is so difficult about slowing down, going native, doing the 9 to 5 and just doing what you need to do all the time and just being like "everyone else"?

I can't see it :-) Everyone I know can see it and tell me to slow down, take it easy, relax, do what you need to do, do the minimum, you've earned your rest and all the other phrases.

I have to tell you there is nothing quite so difficult as jumping from Light Speed to Impulse Engines only! The sudden stop is totally disconcerting and the idea that at 51 I am scrapyard material is truly one of my concerns. To do a 9 to 5 is again quite alien. To have time for friends and family is also foreign territory. To be in the house in the evenings and not just at night is a bit of a novelty too.

I suppose it is like stopping work and going into Retirement. What am I going to do and how am I going to cope with the change?

Today - I did do just what I needed to do and felt that I had delivered a good day's work - for some time I have felt that I haven't done that.

I am sure that this is just another string of things I need to come to terms with. Gee - 51 years old and wondering where my Zimmer Frame is...

Still not right

But I am forcing myself to be. It is hard work being the office comedian but I keep getting moments of deafness and then clear and I still have tinnitus what a nightmare. This, of course, limits my ability to time jokes or think fast on my feet but we have had some laughs today which is encouraging.

Out tonight with my old school chums and looking forward to having a few beers.

So - work - well it is OK - I am at 75% pace at the moment and that is also OK. I have worked out to take my coat on and off on the train as it is so hot. It is like sitting in your front room with the fire on in all your outdoor gear. I really don't know how people manage it.

I am glad I gave up the Uni thing now though as the pressure is off and I can get my work done and not worry about running back here to do the next stuff. The reason is I am so tired - it really does take it out of - not surprisingly.

I hope to hear from the Hospital tomorrow about what they are going to do to me... I have also decided to take Friday off so that I can ease in rather than go crazy - I have a very busy day on Thursday too so don't fancy trying to drag myself up on Friday morning.

For one minute

I nearly came home this morning - they run the trains at steam bath temperature (it can't be good for you). I had coat off, tie off, buttons undone and thought - I can't go on like this. It was a real claustrophobia moment. However, some deep breathing some music and just rationalising my thinking made it OK. I really don't like trains and being packed in at this time of year. How on earth people get on the train with scarves and hats and overcoats buttoned p the whole journey I don't know.

Coming home was OK as I got a reasonable seat and was able to settle in a bit and also I was going home!

I suppose it was just a blip although sometimes I do feel strange on trains especially underground ones. Maybe I've had enough - I think you probably do - I've lived in and around London my whole life and it isn't really an "old person's city" not that I'm that old but I enjoyed it when I was young and now it doesn't hold the excitement it used to, I certainly cant play hard all week and I'm not certain I'd enjoy it.

See what tomorrow brings I think - I hope the rain stops - it is pretty heavy and persistent out there at the moment.

It saved the best until last

As I got out of the station it hammered down and has been all the way home - lots of little floods around - I imagine with the thaw that will just get worse! So I have arrived home wet through - not good. A quick change and hopefully none the worse.

Funny old day at work part good hearing part bad - managed the meeting and was OK with that - gave the boss an alternative way of employing me so hope that they can do that rather than me taking on a full time and ending up not working half the time :-) If you get three sickies in a row then you are on disciplinary as an employee (which I am not) so I explained that it would mean 1 lot of treatment and they'd have to do that! We agree to find an alternative to this as it isn't fair on either party.

Twas an OK day I think.

It looks as cold and miserable out there

As I feel this morning. I'm wearing my walking gear to work as it is raining and miserable outside.

It will be interesting to get to work and I suppose I'll have the inevitable stream of people coming up to see how I am. So just remember to tell them you are OK and they will go away - let's not bore them with the facts and how I actually feel.

On another matter, it is amazing how people can't get on with one another = I have a dispute between two grown men to try and "manage" - I think banging their heads together might be a way forward. The trouble is - whatever the history that has gone on - I am no party to it and so can't hope to work it out and help them arbitrate. The Reason? I don't have time or patience for that sort of thing anymore. The sort of stuff that is left in my armoury would be "Get a Life", "Aren't you two a bit old for that?" and that sort of gun ship diplomacy.

Right - the dark, cold and damp morning awaits my emergence back onto the real world.

Work - What's That?

It must be close to 6 weeks off work mustn't it? I can never remember being off that long even after the TURBT #1 which was pretty traumatic - I think I was working about 3 weeks after that for sure.

Well - I wonder if I will remember what to do? I don't actually fancy going back at all at the moment. I'm sort of nonplussed by it all and don't have the enthusiasm or energy. Maybe tomorrow I will get the buzz off of my people - they say they have missed me!

We will see I suppose.

One of the strange things about today has been that both girls have been out and so we had the house to ourselves which was quite nice. We went on our circular walk - it looks great in the snow and isn't too slush filled at the moment. Tomorrow could be different.

I;m still up quite late and need to just get my bag ready for tomorrow along with all my papers so that I can be ready to dash off in the morning.