I actually feel a little bit thinner as I fit inside my trousers a lot better than I did last week or the week before. Blood Pressure is reasonably low and the change of diet appears to be maintainable and not as bad as I thought it might be.
Home now until Monday and I hope to try and behave tonight as I am at a meeting with dinner to follow so there will be wine, beer, three courses and goodness knows what.
At least a few days to work it off.
Feeling quite good at the moment physically. Mentally having a few flash backs to deal with after the death of this chap earlier this week. Fear of a recurrence is the thing as if you get that you can be pretty certain that if the next set of treatments don't work you'll be in for a seriously rough old ride and it could be worse than that.
Sometime I ask why I am the only one who "Gets it!" Maybe no one wants to think or discuss that part, I'm sure that is what it is. It goes back to earlier posts about the change in yourself is massive and yet in those around you not so much. They don't have to deal with it inside them just someone they know who has it.
Anyhow, I'm dealing with it and hoping that June comes around and is clear and that the next steps are too. I'd hate to go back and start again, unless, of course, I had to.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
You're a long time dead
Another of my phrases to people who really ought to "Get a Life!" It really doesn't matter that your team lost or that your seat on the train was taken and all that stuff. I like to complain and let off a bit of steam but the perennial whinger in my office has received the cold shoulder for a few days from me now as I just cannot spend my time to listening to all of the troubles and trials and tribulations. I know how to deal with them but my advice would be lost words on them I fear :-)
I was thinking to myself about the chap that died (he actually died on Good Friday). Not particularly Good for him or his young family even though they all knew what was coming, I doubt it can be any comfort at all to his wife and two young children. Of course things will be looked after for them, it sort of goes without saying but I find out today that the request is that money in his memory will come into our charity - which is a nice way to remember him and our work.
On to less pressing things. I have a meeting tomorrow and need to come home at lunchtime to sort myself out here and work on that. My change of lifestyle appears to be going well. My blood pressure is nice and low, I felt quite hungry today as I have cut down on quantities of food and also the types of food are different. Let's see how I get on. Rather than consciously go on a measurement and rigid regime, this is all about eating the right things, not eating the bad things, cutting back on the fats and the sugars and making sure I eat plenty of the right things.
I am noticing almost daily how well I feel. I may still have the hearing troubles but the rest of me seems to be feeling better. I think the reason is that no one is prodding or poking around with me and I haven't had any sort of treatment since December. If you think about it the longest I have gone is 12 weeks between treatment and operation and this time it will be close to 6 months before they have to do anything to me again.
Quite pleased that my insurance has dropped right down and my condition, as it is now clear for 2 years means that it has reduced by 75% or more on last years premium. So, if you are in the UK have a look at what SAGA can do if you are over 50. Of course, being over 50, I wasn't sure of any benefits although, saving money may well be one!
I was thinking to myself about the chap that died (he actually died on Good Friday). Not particularly Good for him or his young family even though they all knew what was coming, I doubt it can be any comfort at all to his wife and two young children. Of course things will be looked after for them, it sort of goes without saying but I find out today that the request is that money in his memory will come into our charity - which is a nice way to remember him and our work.
On to less pressing things. I have a meeting tomorrow and need to come home at lunchtime to sort myself out here and work on that. My change of lifestyle appears to be going well. My blood pressure is nice and low, I felt quite hungry today as I have cut down on quantities of food and also the types of food are different. Let's see how I get on. Rather than consciously go on a measurement and rigid regime, this is all about eating the right things, not eating the bad things, cutting back on the fats and the sugars and making sure I eat plenty of the right things.
I am noticing almost daily how well I feel. I may still have the hearing troubles but the rest of me seems to be feeling better. I think the reason is that no one is prodding or poking around with me and I haven't had any sort of treatment since December. If you think about it the longest I have gone is 12 weeks between treatment and operation and this time it will be close to 6 months before they have to do anything to me again.
Quite pleased that my insurance has dropped right down and my condition, as it is now clear for 2 years means that it has reduced by 75% or more on last years premium. So, if you are in the UK have a look at what SAGA can do if you are over 50. Of course, being over 50, I wasn't sure of any benefits although, saving money may well be one!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Early Home
Hence writing this blog but it was good as my friend Pete came along and the lads haven't met him for - well - 35 years! What a great laugh we had and suddenly memories were firing off and the synapses were off at all sorts of tangents. Names of teachers and events long ago forgotten suddenly sprang to mind and we just had a load of laughs about our time at school.
W reckoned that our "human Rights" were violated and that we were treated worse than being sent to Guantanamo but - it doesn't really seem to have done many of us much harm apart, that is, from being far more right wing than we were when we were teenagers.
We had less beer than we usually do and the football interrupted our evening a lot (Chelsea versus Liverpool). This particular "soccer" match was pretty good by all accounts but frankly, it isn't Cricket and it certainly isn't Rugby Union and so we weren't that interested. How on earth these "players" command 6 figure weekly sums is pretty disgusting considering they can't challenge for a ball without falling over and crying.
So - we did Religion, Politics, Strange goings on with some of the Teachers at school, totally non PC stuff like bringing back fireworks from the continent and letting them off and all other sorts of naughty things we did as kids that these days is treated as some sort of disorder but is really only high jinx!
Great time, cheered myself up and ready to get back to work and face off some of the numpties I have to work with there!
W reckoned that our "human Rights" were violated and that we were treated worse than being sent to Guantanamo but - it doesn't really seem to have done many of us much harm apart, that is, from being far more right wing than we were when we were teenagers.
We had less beer than we usually do and the football interrupted our evening a lot (Chelsea versus Liverpool). This particular "soccer" match was pretty good by all accounts but frankly, it isn't Cricket and it certainly isn't Rugby Union and so we weren't that interested. How on earth these "players" command 6 figure weekly sums is pretty disgusting considering they can't challenge for a ball without falling over and crying.
So - we did Religion, Politics, Strange goings on with some of the Teachers at school, totally non PC stuff like bringing back fireworks from the continent and letting them off and all other sorts of naughty things we did as kids that these days is treated as some sort of disorder but is really only high jinx!
Great time, cheered myself up and ready to get back to work and face off some of the numpties I have to work with there!
Another Warrior Dies
I heard today that someone that I knew to wave at and briefly say hello had succumbed to Cancer. No one seemed to know what he had other than it was diagnosed last year, was very bad and he died in less than a year - unfortunately he was only 45 years old which is, frankly, tragic.
As I said to the guys I was with today "There but by the grace of God go I". It sure does bring it home when you hear that sort of thing.
On a brighter note, my cousins are over from NZ and planning to meet up this weekend which is lovely. I hope the weather stays nice and we can sit out. It's been a few years, certainly before I got Bladder Cancer and perhaps even a few years before that. I hope that as the girls get older we get the chance to go and explore. The best time is our Winter and so much else happens then. Maybe in a year or two. We will have to see if Mrs. F and I are still speaking to each other after our cruise. We haven't been away together for longer than overnight for 19 / 20 years and that was when we went to Canada. Gee!
I am out tonight with my old school chums. That should be a barrel of laughs - I always feel great when I come back although my head may be sore in the morning. Had a laugh at work today and put up one of my stinging notices - paraphrasing Oscar Wilde - "People in here appear to know the price of everything but the value of nothing!". No one really commented, maybe they just got out of my way today and realised that I wasn't in my normal top of the morning mood.
As luck would have it my evening out with the mad Armenian and my ex boss is cancelled tomorrow so I don't need to go to the Betty Ford Clinic to dry out :-) I was dreading that as these guys can stick the booze away and whilst I used to be able to - since the treatment cannot for more reasons than having to run to the toilet every 20 minutes :-)
I'm suffering with this confounded tinnitus again and my boss has had to go to the GPs as he now has the problems I had in January and has gone deaf. I hope he has got it early though.
As I said to the guys I was with today "There but by the grace of God go I". It sure does bring it home when you hear that sort of thing.
On a brighter note, my cousins are over from NZ and planning to meet up this weekend which is lovely. I hope the weather stays nice and we can sit out. It's been a few years, certainly before I got Bladder Cancer and perhaps even a few years before that. I hope that as the girls get older we get the chance to go and explore. The best time is our Winter and so much else happens then. Maybe in a year or two. We will have to see if Mrs. F and I are still speaking to each other after our cruise. We haven't been away together for longer than overnight for 19 / 20 years and that was when we went to Canada. Gee!
I am out tonight with my old school chums. That should be a barrel of laughs - I always feel great when I come back although my head may be sore in the morning. Had a laugh at work today and put up one of my stinging notices - paraphrasing Oscar Wilde - "People in here appear to know the price of everything but the value of nothing!". No one really commented, maybe they just got out of my way today and realised that I wasn't in my normal top of the morning mood.
As luck would have it my evening out with the mad Armenian and my ex boss is cancelled tomorrow so I don't need to go to the Betty Ford Clinic to dry out :-) I was dreading that as these guys can stick the booze away and whilst I used to be able to - since the treatment cannot for more reasons than having to run to the toilet every 20 minutes :-)
I'm suffering with this confounded tinnitus again and my boss has had to go to the GPs as he now has the problems I had in January and has gone deaf. I hope he has got it early though.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Diet begins
It isn't really a diet as such, more eating a healthy and more balanced diet. This week is a bad week to do that as I am out every night this week. I need to see if I can limit my eating and drinking to suitable limits.
I need to lose about 2 stone I reckon and at least 2" off my waist if not 4" if I can. The problem with diets is that they don't keep the weight off whereas changing your style of eating will help reduce your weight and then keep it that way.
My BP readings appear to be pretty good at the moment and I also need to look at getting over and seeing the GP again. What a pain, I suppose they realise we all have to work but just to go back and talk about my Blood Pressure appears to be a waste of time to me, I've already had that particular talk. I might just send in the BP results and then see if they want to see me rather than go and deliver by hand at an appointment. I know what the answer will be anyway.
I seem to be feeling generally well and apart from tiredness which is getting more manageable, things generally appear to be getting better. Mentally, I still have some minor concerns about the change of heart of the Consultant but, June will be the month when the biopsies are taken and the results known.
I need to lose about 2 stone I reckon and at least 2" off my waist if not 4" if I can. The problem with diets is that they don't keep the weight off whereas changing your style of eating will help reduce your weight and then keep it that way.
My BP readings appear to be pretty good at the moment and I also need to look at getting over and seeing the GP again. What a pain, I suppose they realise we all have to work but just to go back and talk about my Blood Pressure appears to be a waste of time to me, I've already had that particular talk. I might just send in the BP results and then see if they want to see me rather than go and deliver by hand at an appointment. I know what the answer will be anyway.
I seem to be feeling generally well and apart from tiredness which is getting more manageable, things generally appear to be getting better. Mentally, I still have some minor concerns about the change of heart of the Consultant but, June will be the month when the biopsies are taken and the results known.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Watched the Programme
On Cancer and it wasn't too much to go on about. Much of what any cancer sufferer or cancer warrior/survivor may already knows was in there but there was a nice quote from a lady who was a Breast Cancer Survivor. That was that she didn't like people going on about how brave she was or how she must have suffered.
I think if you didn't have cancer it didn't do much for you other than reminding you of the basics. Eat properly, don't smoke, go to GP early if you have any symptoms.
On the lady who didn't like people saying she was brave etc. I kind of subscribe to that. You have cancer, you get treatment and you have to live with it. If you don't you could end up a lot worse so you just get on with your lot. There is nothing you can do about it and whilst it isn't particularly nice it's not as if you are brave as such.
The Easter Egg hunt went well again today and we had to hold it inside as it was inclement but everyone enjoyed themselves.
I think if you didn't have cancer it didn't do much for you other than reminding you of the basics. Eat properly, don't smoke, go to GP early if you have any symptoms.
On the lady who didn't like people saying she was brave etc. I kind of subscribe to that. You have cancer, you get treatment and you have to live with it. If you don't you could end up a lot worse so you just get on with your lot. There is nothing you can do about it and whilst it isn't particularly nice it's not as if you are brave as such.
The Easter Egg hunt went well again today and we had to hold it inside as it was inclement but everyone enjoyed themselves.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Good Friday
Was good actually. My friend and colleague came around and we thrashed out some business issues and plans we have been working on. We went out for a beer and lunch (Ham, Egg and Chips) which was great.
I have a load of things to finish off now as we are planning to get our business off the ground soon.
I am hoping that I can continue on feeling as well and as fit as I am even though I still get tired.
I have a load of things to finish off now as we are planning to get our business off the ground soon.
I am hoping that I can continue on feeling as well and as fit as I am even though I still get tired.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Last Day in the Office for a while
It's quite a nice feeling actually. A couple of days off work and perhaps an opportunity to catch up with some of my own work and meet some friends too plus the Easter Egg hunt on Saturday.
It was bitterly cold last year and we held the hunt inside. It should be warmer this weekend but there is a threat of rain. Let's hope that the sun shines and that the children have a great time as well as the old people who reside at the home where we organise the hunt.
I was really pleased to see that A is going to do the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK. I'm very proud of both A and L as they often go off and do things for charitable causes on their own initiative. L who is saving up to go on her World Challenge Expedition still found time to raise money for Comic Relief a few weeks back despite also needing to raise her own funds.
I was thinking this morning on the way into work of the time that A shot a series of photos for her college work on various designs for anti-smoking material to go on cigarette packets and there was a reference to her having chosen that because I was suffering from Cancer. I felt quite choked up when I read that as I realised that the family were going through the mill a bit.
Anyway, nice to see she is raising some money and probably having a good time doing so. Let's hope that all the effort does some good and that the money raised goes into more research that will help 2 out of very 3 of us.
It was bitterly cold last year and we held the hunt inside. It should be warmer this weekend but there is a threat of rain. Let's hope that the sun shines and that the children have a great time as well as the old people who reside at the home where we organise the hunt.
I was really pleased to see that A is going to do the Race for Life for Cancer Research UK. I'm very proud of both A and L as they often go off and do things for charitable causes on their own initiative. L who is saving up to go on her World Challenge Expedition still found time to raise money for Comic Relief a few weeks back despite also needing to raise her own funds.
I was thinking this morning on the way into work of the time that A shot a series of photos for her college work on various designs for anti-smoking material to go on cigarette packets and there was a reference to her having chosen that because I was suffering from Cancer. I felt quite choked up when I read that as I realised that the family were going through the mill a bit.
Anyway, nice to see she is raising some money and probably having a good time doing so. Let's hope that all the effort does some good and that the money raised goes into more research that will help 2 out of very 3 of us.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Getting to be a habit
Missing days in my blog. Not deliberate really just the pressures of this week and not getting the time to sit down at home. Hence a blog from work.
As we run up to Easter, all sorts of things are happening in the madhouse that we call home. I am out everyday whereas Mrs. F. and the kids are off College and School for a two week break. A is getting ready to go camping as a precursor to going off to one of the music festivals later this year. Good for her - I never did get to go to one of the festivals. I hope the weather is good for her.
Busy at work in a way, there are lots of things going on which are good but there are lulls in between which are boring. I am proofreading this afternoon but my heart really isn't in it as I wrote the damn thing in the first place so I know it will be a difficult read to correct my own work. Most other things have been completed ready for the Easter break and we get a short day tomorrow which is always nice to have.
I'm quite pleased that we have booked the holiday in the Baltic. I am looking forward to getting a serious overdose of architecture and culture. I've always wanted to go to St. Petersburg and so that will be a highlight for me.
As for health - I seem to be OK. Dropped a few lbs in the past week but not really worked a good routine out for not eating too much at work yet. The exercise machine is looking dusty and I keep glancing at it knowing that I must get back to that. I have done my Blood Pressure for the past few mornings and evenings and I am back at acceptable levels - it may take a shedding of a stone or so and a bit more fitness to get back to some of the really good readings of last year.
Running up to Easter I managed, at least, to sort out cards and chocolates etc. It was a bit touch and go but that is done. I have the Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday which will keep me occupied then and hopefully I can have a few days not doing too much except my accounts which couldn't be completed last week.
As we run up to Easter, all sorts of things are happening in the madhouse that we call home. I am out everyday whereas Mrs. F. and the kids are off College and School for a two week break. A is getting ready to go camping as a precursor to going off to one of the music festivals later this year. Good for her - I never did get to go to one of the festivals. I hope the weather is good for her.
Busy at work in a way, there are lots of things going on which are good but there are lulls in between which are boring. I am proofreading this afternoon but my heart really isn't in it as I wrote the damn thing in the first place so I know it will be a difficult read to correct my own work. Most other things have been completed ready for the Easter break and we get a short day tomorrow which is always nice to have.
I'm quite pleased that we have booked the holiday in the Baltic. I am looking forward to getting a serious overdose of architecture and culture. I've always wanted to go to St. Petersburg and so that will be a highlight for me.
As for health - I seem to be OK. Dropped a few lbs in the past week but not really worked a good routine out for not eating too much at work yet. The exercise machine is looking dusty and I keep glancing at it knowing that I must get back to that. I have done my Blood Pressure for the past few mornings and evenings and I am back at acceptable levels - it may take a shedding of a stone or so and a bit more fitness to get back to some of the really good readings of last year.
Running up to Easter I managed, at least, to sort out cards and chocolates etc. It was a bit touch and go but that is done. I have the Easter Egg Hunt on Saturday which will keep me occupied then and hopefully I can have a few days not doing too much except my accounts which couldn't be completed last week.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Blood Pressure
Is much lower today than on Friday and Mrs. F. Almost had to have a row with the GP surgery to get my tablets. I'm happy to miss them and drop a not to the surgery asking for when they've stopped fannying around to perhaps sort out my prescription. As it seems to be the case everywhere these days no one talks to anyone anymore and there were about 3 different sets of instructions and it isn't worth arguing with these "types" as they don't actually have a pragmatic view on the world. If "Computer say no" then it is the right answer.
Me? I'd tell them to fornicate off as I can't abide jobsworths. Had one today who wont take my word for it and wants my bosses signature. Instead of my boss telling him what for he countersigned it. Me, in my organisational days, would have ripped the guy a new arse for that sort of behaviour. Unfortunately for this particular "jobs worth", he hasn't worked out what a truly awkward sod I can be yet. His day will come and he will rue the day he ever tried that stupid trick on as it will permanently backfire on him. Mind you, he is pretty strange...
So - back to my health. I'm OK, just realised though that I have booked up loads of things including my holiday and a staff paintballing day that may clash with a future operation. I think I will drop a line off to the Consultant to make sure they get me done in early June. At least that way everything is avoided.
I need to lose a shed load of weight and whilst I have started to lose it, as I can actually feel it going, I must concentrate on it. Today was a case in point. Soup, low bread and fillings and get taken out for a few beers and lunch unexpectedly. It just doesn't do and I really want to get back to a good weight prior to going into Hospital so I can be as fit as possible to endure that. I don't want a session like last time either, it left me really low so building up my strength and fitness will help.
Me? I'd tell them to fornicate off as I can't abide jobsworths. Had one today who wont take my word for it and wants my bosses signature. Instead of my boss telling him what for he countersigned it. Me, in my organisational days, would have ripped the guy a new arse for that sort of behaviour. Unfortunately for this particular "jobs worth", he hasn't worked out what a truly awkward sod I can be yet. His day will come and he will rue the day he ever tried that stupid trick on as it will permanently backfire on him. Mind you, he is pretty strange...
So - back to my health. I'm OK, just realised though that I have booked up loads of things including my holiday and a staff paintballing day that may clash with a future operation. I think I will drop a line off to the Consultant to make sure they get me done in early June. At least that way everything is avoided.
I need to lose a shed load of weight and whilst I have started to lose it, as I can actually feel it going, I must concentrate on it. Today was a case in point. Soup, low bread and fillings and get taken out for a few beers and lunch unexpectedly. It just doesn't do and I really want to get back to a good weight prior to going into Hospital so I can be as fit as possible to endure that. I don't want a session like last time either, it left me really low so building up my strength and fitness will help.
Wot? No Sunday Blog
I must be losing it. Well actually we were recovering from our meal the night before with A and the family. Then it was early up for Malaysian GP, then it was the Touring Cars, GP2 Asia, Rally and SuperBikes and in between booking the holiday which was traumatic as after filling in shed loads of forms, got to the last page to find that they had trouble with their servers so booked this morning.
So we are off to the Baltic and the capitals of the area. I have always wanted to go to St. Petersburg as well as Stockholm, Helsinki and Copenhagen. The only one we miss is Oslo. Looking forward to that already.
Back at work today and see that the Cancer programme is getting more comments HERE. As well as HERE too.
Amazed at the views - or maybe shouldn't be as the BBC attracts its fair amount of loonies as does everywhere else I suppose. Interesting question but not really the best way of asking it. "You're reaction to the word Cancer?" Some kind of say death sentence straight off. I suppose that, apart from that stereotypical view, it is very much your own experience and that what come through, together with the Snake Oil salesmen too.
I will have to watch it on catch up TV or iPlayer later. Been a hell of a day at work, really slow and not really getting anywhere. Hope tomorrow will pick up again.
Measured BP this mornining and at a reasonable level although higher than where I want it to be.
So we are off to the Baltic and the capitals of the area. I have always wanted to go to St. Petersburg as well as Stockholm, Helsinki and Copenhagen. The only one we miss is Oslo. Looking forward to that already.
Back at work today and see that the Cancer programme is getting more comments HERE. As well as HERE too.
Amazed at the views - or maybe shouldn't be as the BBC attracts its fair amount of loonies as does everywhere else I suppose. Interesting question but not really the best way of asking it. "You're reaction to the word Cancer?" Some kind of say death sentence straight off. I suppose that, apart from that stereotypical view, it is very much your own experience and that what come through, together with the Snake Oil salesmen too.
I will have to watch it on catch up TV or iPlayer later. Been a hell of a day at work, really slow and not really getting anywhere. Hope tomorrow will pick up again.
Measured BP this mornining and at a reasonable level although higher than where I want it to be.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Shock
Well it was to me - my blood pressure was through the roof and I can only put it down to my normal hate of the GP waiting room and them being 30 minutes late so I was beginning to seethe by then. Normally they are on time but yesterday - it wasn't great. My BP was way too high, it came down later but even so wasn't as I record it back here. What I do realise though is that I must sort out exercising and even though I have lost some weight now and altered my diet drastically, I do need to drop a lot of weight and quite quickly too.
Luckily we discussed blood tests and they were dismissed, I hate blood tests. The upshot is I have to go back again in a few weeks and take some of my won readings along. exercise and all that need to be sorted though as well.
On a happier note I went out last night to a Lodge meeting, ended up giving the response to the visitors toast (again) but I enjoy it and there was plenty to say and I can crack a few jokes and anecdotes with the rest of them..
Today we are builder free, we do however have dust you can write your name in just about everywhere in the house.
It looks as if a holiday may have been sorted out and we are considering a cruise. Now Mrs. F. wasn't greatly amused last time about the cruise around the Faroes, Iceland and Norway although I enjoyed it. We have both always wanted to visit St. Petersburg (Russia not the US version) and the other Baltic Capitals and it looks as if we have found a cruise that will do that which would be great. I priced up doing city breaks and it is cheaper to go on a cruise and get a day or two in each of these capitals.
Tonight we are off for a meal with the family to celebrate A's birthday. It should be nice as my Nephew is over from Luxembourg for the weekend and it will be great to catch up with him.
Luckily we discussed blood tests and they were dismissed, I hate blood tests. The upshot is I have to go back again in a few weeks and take some of my won readings along. exercise and all that need to be sorted though as well.
On a happier note I went out last night to a Lodge meeting, ended up giving the response to the visitors toast (again) but I enjoy it and there was plenty to say and I can crack a few jokes and anecdotes with the rest of them..
Today we are builder free, we do however have dust you can write your name in just about everywhere in the house.
It looks as if a holiday may have been sorted out and we are considering a cruise. Now Mrs. F. wasn't greatly amused last time about the cruise around the Faroes, Iceland and Norway although I enjoyed it. We have both always wanted to visit St. Petersburg (Russia not the US version) and the other Baltic Capitals and it looks as if we have found a cruise that will do that which would be great. I priced up doing city breaks and it is cheaper to go on a cruise and get a day or two in each of these capitals.
Tonight we are off for a meal with the family to celebrate A's birthday. It should be nice as my Nephew is over from Luxembourg for the weekend and it will be great to catch up with him.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Maybe that's another view
Going on from the previous post and the emotional response to other people's sufferings perhaps signifies something else. I just wonder if there is more to all of this than is comfortable with most of us? By that I think that I'm not comfortable with the mortality I was presented with and that perhaps I didn't face up to it at the time and probably still haven't faced up to it now?
You get to look at death and you get visited by the little voices in the back of your head, the Black Dog comes and visits in your dreams and during your waking hours too. Black Dog? My friend's and my name for the horrible dreams and nightmares, the bad thoughts in your head, the madness and depression and negativity of living with cancer. The Black Dog comes and tears down your optimism and questions everything and is generally non constructive thoughts and dreams.
So, you look at death and don't want to go there. Invariably though, it isn't quite as bad as that and whilst you go through some pretty serious treatments and experiences, you aren't "near death", there are others worse off than you and poorly you may be, but nearing meeting your maker you are not.
I don't think you therefore actually come to prepare to meet your mortality because you don't need to at that time. If they had said "You are Terminal" then you would have to. That process of working through that particular challenge didn't happen, something similar did happen but it wasn't that. Hence now, when you see terminal illness and suffering the switch goes off in your brain and it becomes upsetting. Not because you know what it feels like, but because you think you know what it feels like. In fact the bit that is missing is that I never did sit down and face up to my mortality and what it meant. early on I got pretty upset about not being there when the girls got married, graduated or whatever - I felt sad for all the things I perhaps should have done, I really thought that I wouldn't last long but, the interesting thing is, once I rationalised things and got the first operation out of the way, my attitude was completely different. It is highly survivable, they can treat you with some pretty effective medicines and even if you need to have radical surgery done, you can live with it.
So my addition to the earlier blog is about having empathy with those who are terminal in as much as I may have started off down that path but never got far along it. I managed to turn back and go down a different path. Down the terminal path I have no idea how you feel about meeting your end, how your family and friends will react (which is a strange thing to think about really as they'll still be alive) and all the other thoughts that must rattle around your head at a time like that. When you meet someone who is terminal, and I have, you can empathise with them and be sorry to hear their news yet you will steer away from the major questions "How long?", "How do you feel about that?" as it is often in a social gathering that such conversations take place.
So, emotional reactions for a non emotional type? Empathy? Yes perhaps it is mainly that, I've been through some of the stuff you have been through and I know it hurts, debilitates, knocks you sideways, isn't understood and so on. Knowing that the person is having a seriously rough time, yes, I still consider myself to have gone through a rough old time and many have told me it is pretty shocking, I can feel their suffering but it is more than that. Comparing their problems with mine maybe that too plays a part but I think when it boils down to it, it goes back to something more fundamental than these points alone. I think it goes back to "It's all about me", I feel emotional because I don't normally feel emotional about myself. I've never really grieved for myself and my situation and these glimpses into other people's lives just reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am now. It triggers a response that I never really allowed myself except right at the beginning and that is to let it out and have a bloody good sob and feel, for once, sorry for myself!
I go back to the time I came back from the GP after he referred me to the specialist. Before I knew for certain it was cancer. I knew it what it was although I refused to believe it at that time and I locked myself into my office where I am now and went into meltdown. I don't think I cried after that even when I knew what it was and had the couple of days wait to go into Hospital. I was almost relieved to know what it was and that it could be tackled although we didn't know how bad it was going to be (staging) until afterwards.
I may have whinged and moaned about some of the tests and treatments but haven't cried since then about myself. I remember having tears of pain after one treatment but not anything on any real scale since.
I don't know. It could be any of those things and it could just be that my hormones are all over the place with the treatment.
There remains an even simpler answer; that I used to view everything as a cynic and turned over when bad or upsetting stuff was on. Now I face up to it.
There you are, an explanation but no nearer. Life's like that, it would be a boring place if we had all the answers I suppose.
You get to look at death and you get visited by the little voices in the back of your head, the Black Dog comes and visits in your dreams and during your waking hours too. Black Dog? My friend's and my name for the horrible dreams and nightmares, the bad thoughts in your head, the madness and depression and negativity of living with cancer. The Black Dog comes and tears down your optimism and questions everything and is generally non constructive thoughts and dreams.
So, you look at death and don't want to go there. Invariably though, it isn't quite as bad as that and whilst you go through some pretty serious treatments and experiences, you aren't "near death", there are others worse off than you and poorly you may be, but nearing meeting your maker you are not.
I don't think you therefore actually come to prepare to meet your mortality because you don't need to at that time. If they had said "You are Terminal" then you would have to. That process of working through that particular challenge didn't happen, something similar did happen but it wasn't that. Hence now, when you see terminal illness and suffering the switch goes off in your brain and it becomes upsetting. Not because you know what it feels like, but because you think you know what it feels like. In fact the bit that is missing is that I never did sit down and face up to my mortality and what it meant. early on I got pretty upset about not being there when the girls got married, graduated or whatever - I felt sad for all the things I perhaps should have done, I really thought that I wouldn't last long but, the interesting thing is, once I rationalised things and got the first operation out of the way, my attitude was completely different. It is highly survivable, they can treat you with some pretty effective medicines and even if you need to have radical surgery done, you can live with it.
So my addition to the earlier blog is about having empathy with those who are terminal in as much as I may have started off down that path but never got far along it. I managed to turn back and go down a different path. Down the terminal path I have no idea how you feel about meeting your end, how your family and friends will react (which is a strange thing to think about really as they'll still be alive) and all the other thoughts that must rattle around your head at a time like that. When you meet someone who is terminal, and I have, you can empathise with them and be sorry to hear their news yet you will steer away from the major questions "How long?", "How do you feel about that?" as it is often in a social gathering that such conversations take place.
So, emotional reactions for a non emotional type? Empathy? Yes perhaps it is mainly that, I've been through some of the stuff you have been through and I know it hurts, debilitates, knocks you sideways, isn't understood and so on. Knowing that the person is having a seriously rough time, yes, I still consider myself to have gone through a rough old time and many have told me it is pretty shocking, I can feel their suffering but it is more than that. Comparing their problems with mine maybe that too plays a part but I think when it boils down to it, it goes back to something more fundamental than these points alone. I think it goes back to "It's all about me", I feel emotional because I don't normally feel emotional about myself. I've never really grieved for myself and my situation and these glimpses into other people's lives just reminds me how lucky I am to be where I am now. It triggers a response that I never really allowed myself except right at the beginning and that is to let it out and have a bloody good sob and feel, for once, sorry for myself!
I go back to the time I came back from the GP after he referred me to the specialist. Before I knew for certain it was cancer. I knew it what it was although I refused to believe it at that time and I locked myself into my office where I am now and went into meltdown. I don't think I cried after that even when I knew what it was and had the couple of days wait to go into Hospital. I was almost relieved to know what it was and that it could be tackled although we didn't know how bad it was going to be (staging) until afterwards.
I may have whinged and moaned about some of the tests and treatments but haven't cried since then about myself. I remember having tears of pain after one treatment but not anything on any real scale since.
I don't know. It could be any of those things and it could just be that my hormones are all over the place with the treatment.
There remains an even simpler answer; that I used to view everything as a cynic and turned over when bad or upsetting stuff was on. Now I face up to it.
There you are, an explanation but no nearer. Life's like that, it would be a boring place if we had all the answers I suppose.
The Trouble with being in touch with your emotional side is
That it becomes increasingly uncomfortable to sit through many programmes that show any sort of real life suffering. Tonight there was a programme about the work the Childrens' Hospice movement does and it concentrated on Helen and Douglas House. One of the related charities I work with is Lifelites and they provide the entertainment and computer equipment for these life limited children and their families throughout the childrens' hospice community.
So, I watched the programme and just got more and more uncomfortable and quite emotional about the plight of some of the guests and their families. Before I had cancer I would have turned over but tonight I stuck to it. I could have done with a few more handkerchiefs it was quite distressing and at the same time quite uplifting showing the comfort that such places provided in some terribly difficult circumstances.
What was nice to see was someone who survived a life threatening disease and she was just in her 30s and had a new lease of life and was coming to terms with being well again, not having to to go for treatment and not having her timetable set by doctors, hospitals and medication. She struggled to find meaning in it and it was good to see that the hospice rose to the challenge of helping her get a grasp on what it now meant to be healthy - or on the way back to health. Suddenly others expected her to be "just like them" straight away and perform at their level and get a job and settle down etc., etc. Totally unrealistic. I felt a lot of empathy with her as I am still coming to terms with it and what it means and wondering how to spend the gift of being free of cancer.
Here is a LINK to the web site about the programme - it is available for a few days on iPlayer.
I discussed this new "emotional me" with a good friend not so long ago and it appears to go with the territory of having cancer and a number of people I have spoken to have said they are far more "emotional" than they ever were before. I can't tell you quite why that would be apart from your whole body gets stirred around and goes out of balance and I understand that your hormones go all over the place as well so perhaps that. There is the empathy you have with people with terminal diseases and even more so when they are young. Some of these youngsters are very matter of fact. It is also a joy to see how well they are cared for and the support for everyone involved.
The strength it gives me is that I can "do my job" and raise awareness and funds for the Charity and play on other's emotions because you can hear in my voice the often difficult job we have to do in this respect. The trouble is there are so many tales of suffering that you could get flooded with it all too.
If there could be anything that has changed massively in me these past 33 months now, it is that I find anything like this programme seriously upsetting. tonight I made myself watch it and it did move me and somehow it adds a determination to change things in any small way that I am able. I may not make a difference to those children directly but through Lifelites my sporadic donations may help them enjoy having a bit of fun.
There's another thing, if you have children and they are healthy, this sort of tragedy for the parents and the child are just unthinkable. It should make you count your blessings, whatever denomination you are, and be glad that you do not need to call on their services.
So, I watched the programme and just got more and more uncomfortable and quite emotional about the plight of some of the guests and their families. Before I had cancer I would have turned over but tonight I stuck to it. I could have done with a few more handkerchiefs it was quite distressing and at the same time quite uplifting showing the comfort that such places provided in some terribly difficult circumstances.
What was nice to see was someone who survived a life threatening disease and she was just in her 30s and had a new lease of life and was coming to terms with being well again, not having to to go for treatment and not having her timetable set by doctors, hospitals and medication. She struggled to find meaning in it and it was good to see that the hospice rose to the challenge of helping her get a grasp on what it now meant to be healthy - or on the way back to health. Suddenly others expected her to be "just like them" straight away and perform at their level and get a job and settle down etc., etc. Totally unrealistic. I felt a lot of empathy with her as I am still coming to terms with it and what it means and wondering how to spend the gift of being free of cancer.
Here is a LINK to the web site about the programme - it is available for a few days on iPlayer.
I discussed this new "emotional me" with a good friend not so long ago and it appears to go with the territory of having cancer and a number of people I have spoken to have said they are far more "emotional" than they ever were before. I can't tell you quite why that would be apart from your whole body gets stirred around and goes out of balance and I understand that your hormones go all over the place as well so perhaps that. There is the empathy you have with people with terminal diseases and even more so when they are young. Some of these youngsters are very matter of fact. It is also a joy to see how well they are cared for and the support for everyone involved.
The strength it gives me is that I can "do my job" and raise awareness and funds for the Charity and play on other's emotions because you can hear in my voice the often difficult job we have to do in this respect. The trouble is there are so many tales of suffering that you could get flooded with it all too.
If there could be anything that has changed massively in me these past 33 months now, it is that I find anything like this programme seriously upsetting. tonight I made myself watch it and it did move me and somehow it adds a determination to change things in any small way that I am able. I may not make a difference to those children directly but through Lifelites my sporadic donations may help them enjoy having a bit of fun.
There's another thing, if you have children and they are healthy, this sort of tragedy for the parents and the child are just unthinkable. It should make you count your blessings, whatever denomination you are, and be glad that you do not need to call on their services.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Changing attitudes to Cancer
Newsnight next Monday 6th April will be reporting on "How Good is Your Cancer Care?" It will compare it with Europe. It will also look at the breakthroughs and also the attitudes towards Cancer. The programme starts at 22:30 BST.
The BBC web link is HERE
Typically I cannot see it on the night but I will use the catchup service iPlayer
I think that only sufferers and their families will have a different attitude to what the word cancer means to them. In most people I speak to they think that I have been through terrible suffering (maybe I have - I'm hardened to it). Additionally in the early stages most people thought I was dying and a lot thought I'd lose (what's left of) my hair.
The stereotypical response to cancer will no doubt be in evidence but I have a feeling that many more people will feel that the success of combating cancer is better. The fear is, of course, driven by high profile deaths from Cancer. Often these are described as "aggressive" - frankly all cancers are that.
Anyway, it will be interesting viewing and I'll be interested in what it has to say.
The BBC web link is HERE
Typically I cannot see it on the night but I will use the catchup service iPlayer
I think that only sufferers and their families will have a different attitude to what the word cancer means to them. In most people I speak to they think that I have been through terrible suffering (maybe I have - I'm hardened to it). Additionally in the early stages most people thought I was dying and a lot thought I'd lose (what's left of) my hair.
The stereotypical response to cancer will no doubt be in evidence but I have a feeling that many more people will feel that the success of combating cancer is better. The fear is, of course, driven by high profile deaths from Cancer. Often these are described as "aggressive" - frankly all cancers are that.
Anyway, it will be interesting viewing and I'll be interested in what it has to say.
Working from Home
Is OK. I needed the extra few hours sleep as well as I was feeling tired again towards the end of each working day. The tinnitus is still with me although today it is very much in the background. The only thing I can liken it to is the constant noise you'd hear in an engine room or in a room full of electronics but at a higher pitch.
The mind is pretty good at dealing with it though and it just fades into the background. It is worse in the mid afternoon and the last few days have needed me to play music through my MP3 player to combat the noise and try and distract myself from it.
I'm waiting on the builders to show up and do their thing. They have to plaster the new ceilings and sort out the electrics tomorrow. Whilst I am a trained Electrician I am not allowed to touch it these days by Law. A clever move on behalf of the industry that has probably saved the hundreds of millions of people who died every year of electric shocks - not!
Hopefully all will be completed by the weekend and then, I have no doubt, it will dawn on Mrs. F. that redecoration is required. Life goes on!
The mind is pretty good at dealing with it though and it just fades into the background. It is worse in the mid afternoon and the last few days have needed me to play music through my MP3 player to combat the noise and try and distract myself from it.
I'm waiting on the builders to show up and do their thing. They have to plaster the new ceilings and sort out the electrics tomorrow. Whilst I am a trained Electrician I am not allowed to touch it these days by Law. A clever move on behalf of the industry that has probably saved the hundreds of millions of people who died every year of electric shocks - not!
Hopefully all will be completed by the weekend and then, I have no doubt, it will dawn on Mrs. F. that redecoration is required. Life goes on!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
OK quick blog in and out
So two days off the builders need to get sorted and luckily I am here tomorrow as they will be late. The G20 stuff in London seemed to hardly affect us but the trains in and out were rubbish today.
I am off out to a Jazz night and looking forward to that. I intend to get as much done as possible in the next few days to clear my backlog of things.
I am off out to a Jazz night and looking forward to that. I intend to get as much done as possible in the next few days to clear my backlog of things.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Tinnitus and Anniversary
I ended up getting the early train home from work - my ears were just screaming with this high pitched sound and I still have it now. It really is annoying and no matter what I do I just cannot get rid of it today. I tried the loud music blast but that didn't work.
It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.
The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.
My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.
So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.
Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.
It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.
It will be one year since I started at the charity and I am secured for at least 9 months and perhaps a year to carry on in my position. So much depends now on getting a proper clear in June or July and then we can discuss a permanent position.
The house is, as I suspected, in a bit of disarray but the work to the ceilings looks to be progressing well and a few more days should see it completed. It sure is strange looking up at the floor boards of the first floor from the Kitchen.
My next concern has got to be seeing the Doctor on Friday and getting my blood pressure done and then at some time sorting out a blood test. I really should get on and do that if I can but it is time and opportunity leading up to Easter everyone wants a piece of me. I will see if I can get away with the Blood Pressure only on Friday so I can get my tablets. If not then it will have to wait for a week or so to get time to do it. I'm feeling bloody minded at the moment about all these things as they never can give you a suitable appointment to allow you to sort things out in a morning or an afternoon and so if I have to work around them that is what I will tell them. I'm getting to the point of hardly even wanting to discuss the usefulness of trying to get everything sorted in one go. This time, if they can't sort it out, they can wait for me.
So what else? Aprils Fools day tomorrow - will be fun I have something planned to go company wide first thing. hopefully it should be fun.
Other than that, 1 year under my belt and it seems to be a successful and enjoyable time. I've had 2 operations and 9 treatments (I think) in that time and it does make a difference to me to be clear of having the treatment even though I'll have to get operated on in June or July. The people are nice but now the work is easily achievable and under control I find sometime I struggle to find enough to do in one day. As luck would have it there is a major initiative coming my way for the summer which I am just planning now.
It hardly seems a year that I have been there. A lot has gone on and a lot of things have changed and now, recently, for the better. A good attitude towards my future is helping a lot.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Should you go back
To doing the things you used to do or go and do something new and different? I'm enjoying doing different things these days and get enjoyment from things that perhaps may appear simple and not entertaining or perhaps stimulating. I like a challenge and whilst I don't regret having given up my University course, at the back of my mind is just the twinge of thinking to myself that I could have done so well in it, it really made me think and it really opened my eyes.
Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)
Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.
We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?
Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.
Going out and visiting other Lodges and doing presentation work for the charity are good and I enjoy standing up and hitting people with emotional stories and the way we look after the wreckage of young children's lives. I can engage with an audience and I have empathy with many of the cases and so it works really well. I get to meet interesting people but the downside is they fill me full of beer, wine and good food :-)
Things I used to do just don't seem to excite me anymore. Maybe they became superfluous when I got ill and I just looked at them as having little or no meaning. I'm actually sure that having interests does help but for some reason I have lost interest. It is just another of those strange things that seems to happen.
We are all going out this Saturday for a meal and I have no doubt we will enjoy ourselves because, frankly, I'm not going to die, I don't look haggard and sunken eyed like I did 2 years back, the drawn look to my face has gone and I'm just a happier and fun person to be around these days. I think that people intuitively know when you are ill and you put a brave face on things but cannot disguise the fact that you are ill. So they probably didn't enjoy themselves much being out with a Zombie?
Well watch out everyone as I'm coming out to party on Saturday and it is A's 19th Birthday so time for a good celebration.
Builders tomorrow
Luckily I am out of the way tomorrow when they come and rip out the old ceiling and put in the new one. It has at least given us a chance to clear out the stuff we don't use and find some stuff that I lost.
I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.
A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:
Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered
It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?
Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.
I haven't really done any cooking for the last getting on for three years. I do the occasional but I haven't actually spent time making Pasta or cooking a nice meal for everyone. I feel that perhaps I can get back to doing that again. I used to enjoy it but a number of things I just didn't do as "I couldn't be bothered". I don't think it was being lazy exactly although it could be construed as that - I just didn't want to, it didn't interest me and I got little satisfaction from it.
A number of things I've noticed that I don't "enjoy" doing much these days:
Driving - even though I have a nice car to drive in
Cooking - I used to really enjoy that
DIY - no cannot even bring myself to do that
Going for a Walk - OK once I am pushed to do it and enjoy it then but not much in past few years
Going Out (Theatre, Meal etc) - Just couldn't be bothered
It's pretty much a list of most things you'd do :-) At least I am beginning to get back into these now. I'm going to blame being ill and I'm also conscious that I must have been ill for some time beforehand as a lot of things were no longer enjoyable before the symptoms showed up. It was if there was a general malaise - perhaps that was a warning sign?
Anyway, little by little enjoyment is creeping back onto the Agenda and as I get more strength back I intend to stop living like a Hermit and get on with life again.
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