I had a very bad night - I slept OK but my head is just so muddled at the moment. I don't understand things happening around me and I can run multi million pound projects, run teams and do all these great things but ask me to tell you about relationships and I can't tell you anything. I don't get it because my brain is wired a different way to most other people I can't tell if someone is flirting or making a pass, I can't work out all these coded messages that are used and the trouble is I know I can't and then beat myself up about it.
Last night I met with all the folks from work and suddenly I realised that other factors were at play too, like we only meet every few months and that in itself means lots of attention and discussing the gossip and direct contact which to me is all well and good but I realised when I got home that all this attention and body language left me completely confused. Then I realised how isolated an existence I live at the moment, I am sat here at my desk working away, reading, writing, thinking etc and I'm not having the sort of day to day interaction and the ability to talk and interact.
I'm feeling rough because I'm ploughing a lonely furrow here - it is mainly cerebral work and cannot be done in groups except workshops etc. I think I shall also change my music selection - listening to Tracy Chapman can be a bit depressing sometimes - mind you I could always stick on some Leonard Cohen :-)
I don't remember being like this as many times before I got Bladder Cancer. Maybe it is that, maybe this is just one of those depression moments I have written about before, at the moment I can't tell - I can see what triggered it and I can see that the result is me feeling really down and rough. I have a feeling it is also that yesterday I did about 18 hours out of the house and the successes of the past few weeks and the "high" from them and the realisation that there is still more to do before we get near to our target may also be draining me too.
It is going to be a nice weekend with a meeting tomorrow followed by a Ladies' Night in the evening which will be nice. Korean Grand Prix on Sunday and I think an easy day for me, I need to recharge my batteries - talking of which my battery tester has arrived now so I can check out a drawer full of batteries (no one knows if they work or not!!!) only in my house could it happen that good and bad batteries all got mixed up. We have now started a recycling area for dead batteries.
I hope this little dark cloud over me gets out of the way and that this sneezing and runny nose aren't something from the train journey to and from London yesterday. Maybe that's it too.
All in all a not good day....
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
When silence isn't golden
Well I reckon I have totally hacked off my friend as I haven't heard from him since Monday when I dropped the bombshell about his new employer. I suppose it may be better me delivering the punch than someone else a few weeks down the line when it's all gone even further?
We made some more progress on the business today getting towards the holy grail of having our business logo, tag line and web site sorted - it is getting close and the goose bump moment came today when the tag line and logo were agreed and the artwork arrived - along with the invoice :-)
I was hoping to get this sorted by the end of October - that looks a tadd ambitious to me at the moment. Perhaps by mid November. The trouble is we are hurtling towards December and Christmas - we are about 1 month off target - not bad I suppose. We agreed that we carry on and not give up 3 feet from the Gold.
Off to town in the morning for a day of Festival Forum workshops and presentations. I am glad I am not organising this one having done much on the last 2...
We made some more progress on the business today getting towards the holy grail of having our business logo, tag line and web site sorted - it is getting close and the goose bump moment came today when the tag line and logo were agreed and the artwork arrived - along with the invoice :-)
I was hoping to get this sorted by the end of October - that looks a tadd ambitious to me at the moment. Perhaps by mid November. The trouble is we are hurtling towards December and Christmas - we are about 1 month off target - not bad I suppose. We agreed that we carry on and not give up 3 feet from the Gold.
Off to town in the morning for a day of Festival Forum workshops and presentations. I am glad I am not organising this one having done much on the last 2...
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
End of a long day
I've had a long day and it's time to go to bed. I'm wondering quite what the rest of the week will bring - it's only Tuesday and I feel I've done a full week already.
I have an interesting day on Thursday, going back up to London to see the troops and run through the new web site I've developed for them. I've managed to stop them asking for me to change it (because they can) by then. I can't believe they are titivating about with it when it has been through close to 16 versions getting to here. The powers that be have a bee in their bonnet about changing one of the titles of the plan. The trouble is that by doing so they totally confuse it with other areas of the plan hence it was originally discussed and changed by committee 14 versions ago!!! Don't ask me, I just do what they want to do but it seems stupid to me. My problem is that change for changes sake isn't a good thing. By changing one section they totally change the whole tone of the piece. That's what they never get - it is the whole thing that is important and reading something in isolation will inevitably lead to a problem later.
Oh well - you can't tell them!
I have an interesting day on Thursday, going back up to London to see the troops and run through the new web site I've developed for them. I've managed to stop them asking for me to change it (because they can) by then. I can't believe they are titivating about with it when it has been through close to 16 versions getting to here. The powers that be have a bee in their bonnet about changing one of the titles of the plan. The trouble is that by doing so they totally confuse it with other areas of the plan hence it was originally discussed and changed by committee 14 versions ago!!! Don't ask me, I just do what they want to do but it seems stupid to me. My problem is that change for changes sake isn't a good thing. By changing one section they totally change the whole tone of the piece. That's what they never get - it is the whole thing that is important and reading something in isolation will inevitably lead to a problem later.
Oh well - you can't tell them!
A Troubled Time
I looked up my friend's new business and started to get quite concerned about the turn of events. You know when you look at a web site and go ooohhhh what doesn't add up here? Well I did a bit of digging and found that I couldn't establish any of the bona fides for the testimonials. None of them were from established businesses and I only found one of the businesses operating out of a one room office in a serviced building. Then I did a search at Companies House and found that this business, whilst stating 15 years in business, was only incorporated in March of this year. There are no previous businesses.
I then looked at the site and they made more of recruiting salespeople than getting customers - a bit strange to have a site that does that I would have thought. They are below the 8,000,000 in the Alexa rankings for their trade. What do I say to him? I mean he's quit jobs with real money to chase this one which is commission only and my gut feel is - it isn't what it purports to be at all. It is something setup to be a sales vehicle. When putting their name into Google and similar all you get are job adverts for people to work all over the country for commission only, they advertise huge payouts. Surely a bit of due diligence would have rung some alarm bells on it.
Unfortunately, like many, the promise of a quick win and a quick get rich approach is too tempting. All too often these things turn out to be bad for him and it isn't the first time. The trouble is, I've told him so many times before that I am the harbinger of doom. I've made him aware of the recent incorporation of the business. He, having made hundreds and hundreds of calls and not even got an appointment yet may be able to draw his own conclusions.
I go back to my comments earlier this month about feeling bad that I can't help or feel so helpless and not able to make a difference. I can't do everything, I've felt that I should try and help everyone and spread the joy of my survival. I can't do it can I? I feel really bad I just bring this guy bad news.
It appears to me that in the headlong rush some make to get out of the rut they are in they find that they just dig themselves further into the rut they are in.
I then looked at the site and they made more of recruiting salespeople than getting customers - a bit strange to have a site that does that I would have thought. They are below the 8,000,000 in the Alexa rankings for their trade. What do I say to him? I mean he's quit jobs with real money to chase this one which is commission only and my gut feel is - it isn't what it purports to be at all. It is something setup to be a sales vehicle. When putting their name into Google and similar all you get are job adverts for people to work all over the country for commission only, they advertise huge payouts. Surely a bit of due diligence would have rung some alarm bells on it.
Unfortunately, like many, the promise of a quick win and a quick get rich approach is too tempting. All too often these things turn out to be bad for him and it isn't the first time. The trouble is, I've told him so many times before that I am the harbinger of doom. I've made him aware of the recent incorporation of the business. He, having made hundreds and hundreds of calls and not even got an appointment yet may be able to draw his own conclusions.
I go back to my comments earlier this month about feeling bad that I can't help or feel so helpless and not able to make a difference. I can't do everything, I've felt that I should try and help everyone and spread the joy of my survival. I can't do it can I? I feel really bad I just bring this guy bad news.
It appears to me that in the headlong rush some make to get out of the rut they are in they find that they just dig themselves further into the rut they are in.
Powerless to help
My friend who drains me of energy turned up tonight and was once again in gloomy mood. He has finally worked out that he can't afford a number of things and this weekend's Ladies' Festival is one of them, his wife said enough is enough and so it is. I hadn't realised that he had given up the couple of jobs he was doing when the last one came along so he could concentrate on that which wasn't a good idea as it went pear shaped. This new job isn't doing a lot for him either and the steady income he did has is no longer available.
You can't make this stuff up and he is a troubled, tortured soul but what can I do? I can listen, I can advise (not that he has ever taken any of my advice in all the years I've known him). I could give him some money, pay for him to come along at the weekend but he wouldn't like that, he and I both know that - he is too proud - yet I've made him admit he would do it for me if he could!!!
I know I whinge on about how this guy saps my strength but I can only feel sorry for him in his present predicament, however brought about, these days it is so difficult to get out of the rut you are in and even thinking straight will not work as he isn't thinking straight. I feel utterly powerless to do anything. Whatever I do will be misconstrued and I am in my own battle to make ends meet - not as deep as he is of course - but I need to be mindful about it.
I remember the conversation around me paying off my mortgage and him saying that he had more debts than when he bought his house. I won't go into the details but it is a serious case of heart ruling head. I sometimes used to look at him taking his family away to the Maldives or Florida or some far off sunny locale and wonder how they could afford it. The difference is that we did foundation work and didn't spend what we didn't have.
I wonder if I would have preferred to have that sort of lifestyle then and be paying for it now (he is 5 - 6 years older than me) but have to work right up to and beyond retirement. I'm a little more circumspect and have been pretty much checked by the financially astute Mrs. F. over the years. We will push out the boat when necessary but everything has been centred on making a family home, making sure we had what was needed and we even made sure that things would be OK before embarking on having a family. Interestingly, the last of our long-term investments come out next year and the year after. We put things in place 25 or more years ago so that we knew that we would have something available at this point in time. The difference is striking but should I be feeling this bad because I put this stuff in place?
It is so difficult to maintain objectivity when it is a friend. As a friend he is pushing it to the very edge of the envelope but perhaps, now that the realisation is hitting home he will at last take a long hard look at his situation and will remember all the sage advice I've given him over the years.
Then again - maybe not. Life's like that sometimes.
You can't make this stuff up and he is a troubled, tortured soul but what can I do? I can listen, I can advise (not that he has ever taken any of my advice in all the years I've known him). I could give him some money, pay for him to come along at the weekend but he wouldn't like that, he and I both know that - he is too proud - yet I've made him admit he would do it for me if he could!!!
I know I whinge on about how this guy saps my strength but I can only feel sorry for him in his present predicament, however brought about, these days it is so difficult to get out of the rut you are in and even thinking straight will not work as he isn't thinking straight. I feel utterly powerless to do anything. Whatever I do will be misconstrued and I am in my own battle to make ends meet - not as deep as he is of course - but I need to be mindful about it.
I remember the conversation around me paying off my mortgage and him saying that he had more debts than when he bought his house. I won't go into the details but it is a serious case of heart ruling head. I sometimes used to look at him taking his family away to the Maldives or Florida or some far off sunny locale and wonder how they could afford it. The difference is that we did foundation work and didn't spend what we didn't have.
I wonder if I would have preferred to have that sort of lifestyle then and be paying for it now (he is 5 - 6 years older than me) but have to work right up to and beyond retirement. I'm a little more circumspect and have been pretty much checked by the financially astute Mrs. F. over the years. We will push out the boat when necessary but everything has been centred on making a family home, making sure we had what was needed and we even made sure that things would be OK before embarking on having a family. Interestingly, the last of our long-term investments come out next year and the year after. We put things in place 25 or more years ago so that we knew that we would have something available at this point in time. The difference is striking but should I be feeling this bad because I put this stuff in place?
It is so difficult to maintain objectivity when it is a friend. As a friend he is pushing it to the very edge of the envelope but perhaps, now that the realisation is hitting home he will at last take a long hard look at his situation and will remember all the sage advice I've given him over the years.
Then again - maybe not. Life's like that sometimes.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Unplanned makes for good times
I got a call on Sunday and was invited to go to the pub. Well I don't need a second invite :-) I went up and spent about 4 hours there total as my friend and I had 2 hours together then a friend's son happened to be back from Uni so I called A and she came over to see him as they are the oldest of friends = they were born within hours of each other and that's how we all came to be friends. Nice!
I got back in time for a nice evening meal and then had a booze induced snooze :-) That's a nice Sunday but it stopped me working and so it should - glad I didn't do anything. However this morning I had to dash up to the Costa Coffee shop up the road to see a few guys about getting things straight for next week's meeting. I've then done the document I should have done on Sunday afternoon which increases the subs for our Lodge - I'm not going to be popular but it is something that should have been done some time ago really and no one get up the balls to do it at the time, now it HAS to be done and of course the pain is significant just when most people can't afford all these increases. It is a matter of biting the bullet and just doing it.
I've been invited on a bit of a bender weekend to Scotland in November. I'm keen in a way to go up there but these boys can drink! I need to find myself a cheap tie too as when they came down here earlier this year they relieved me of mine which at £15 was a bit of a blow! I won;t be wearing my nice silk one that is for sure :-) So I need to decide if I want to go. It will be a nice opportunity to see Scottish working and have a weekend's break. I'll see if Mrs. F. concurs and wants to get rid of me :-)
I still feel very well indeed and I am starting to notice it in subtle ways, just feeling fitter and my mind is almost back to working at its creative best, I am not getting anywhere near as tired as I used to get and a fair amount of my stamina is back. Once those sorts of things start to come back so your self esteem and confidence begin to build and everything starts to come back.
I'm feeling up to doing some work at the Lodge of Instruction tonight as I think after all this time, I might finally be able to remember all the words which I haven't been able to for at least 4 years. It says something that I probably haven't taken a big role since being ill. I've managed to unclog my brain on the accounts too so it is all beginning to come back to me now.
I'm not sure how all this stuff works exactly but at the moment, I can probably say that I am the best I have been since July 2006 or perhaps even before that. Long may that continue. I now need to build on my well-being and sensibly use all these extra strength, brain power etc to do something worthwhile.
We have started using the phrase to "engender positive social change" as part of what we are attempting to do in our new venture. Social philanthropy doesn't "cut it" with all investors but we hope we might get this message across that we can do real good with our view of the future. Here's hoping that we aren't barking mad :-)
I got back in time for a nice evening meal and then had a booze induced snooze :-) That's a nice Sunday but it stopped me working and so it should - glad I didn't do anything. However this morning I had to dash up to the Costa Coffee shop up the road to see a few guys about getting things straight for next week's meeting. I've then done the document I should have done on Sunday afternoon which increases the subs for our Lodge - I'm not going to be popular but it is something that should have been done some time ago really and no one get up the balls to do it at the time, now it HAS to be done and of course the pain is significant just when most people can't afford all these increases. It is a matter of biting the bullet and just doing it.
I've been invited on a bit of a bender weekend to Scotland in November. I'm keen in a way to go up there but these boys can drink! I need to find myself a cheap tie too as when they came down here earlier this year they relieved me of mine which at £15 was a bit of a blow! I won;t be wearing my nice silk one that is for sure :-) So I need to decide if I want to go. It will be a nice opportunity to see Scottish working and have a weekend's break. I'll see if Mrs. F. concurs and wants to get rid of me :-)
I still feel very well indeed and I am starting to notice it in subtle ways, just feeling fitter and my mind is almost back to working at its creative best, I am not getting anywhere near as tired as I used to get and a fair amount of my stamina is back. Once those sorts of things start to come back so your self esteem and confidence begin to build and everything starts to come back.
I'm feeling up to doing some work at the Lodge of Instruction tonight as I think after all this time, I might finally be able to remember all the words which I haven't been able to for at least 4 years. It says something that I probably haven't taken a big role since being ill. I've managed to unclog my brain on the accounts too so it is all beginning to come back to me now.
I'm not sure how all this stuff works exactly but at the moment, I can probably say that I am the best I have been since July 2006 or perhaps even before that. Long may that continue. I now need to build on my well-being and sensibly use all these extra strength, brain power etc to do something worthwhile.
We have started using the phrase to "engender positive social change" as part of what we are attempting to do in our new venture. Social philanthropy doesn't "cut it" with all investors but we hope we might get this message across that we can do real good with our view of the future. Here's hoping that we aren't barking mad :-)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday - part work part play today
It was good to get my smart phone working this morning at breakfast. It does loads of things that are probably very interesting but for me the ability to make phone calls and receive emails is plenty together with it being online - especially when here as I can connect it to my wifi network which is just dandy. It does some smarts like working out photos of people on facebook and sticking their birthday and photo next to the phone number so that's convenient. Let's see how it gets on - it has a big battery which is what I need to make sure I'm not always charging it. I've almost worn it out today as I have been setting it up and doing all sorts of tests and merging data etc.
I've also managed to sort out one lot of accounts and I'm happy that I can probably put that lot to bed early next year after the financial year ends 31st December. I have a little more difficult job on Sunday as I have some accounts in not great state that I've just taken over and I have to make a call on increasing fees - a tough call the way the economy is but I can't see an easy fix for it at the moment.
I'm not sure that I feel any better about my lot than I did last night. I find the present times quite strange as I am working flat out and yet have hardly anything tangible to show for it at the moment. That's mainly not surprising as the business is pretty young. We need to do so much more work in this run up to Christmas. It isn't that really though, it is whether there are other fallouts coming through me doing it? It seems to be a cause for concern - not to me.
The more I think about meeting with the Lawyer on Wednesday the better I feel. I've met only one person who dismissed our ideas and it was because he was lazy and also that he had no social graces. This guy was - as you would expect - extremely clever in what he asked and how he asked it. His "line of questioning" was very good as it drew out what we were doing and re-enforced the homework that we had done, where we were and that there wasn't an area we couldn't answer with relative ease or that we had prepared for. There were a couple of interesting moments especially around the level of investment we had put in and would put in to match the investors. The surprise here is that we have thought that through and the answer is that there is no way we can match them in any way especially because the sort of investment we are going for is to build a large business, our paltry sums would be swallowed and be worthless. Our risks are in working on this now with no income. The business probably wont make any real money for 18 months even after we have finance and so the risk is that we could end up on basic money for 18 months and still get nowhere. Anyway, even on that point we had done some work. We are getting towards being more confident and soon we will have enough pieces in place to do a soft launch.
Until then, I'll have to continue to work at home all hours and just get on with it.
I've also managed to sort out one lot of accounts and I'm happy that I can probably put that lot to bed early next year after the financial year ends 31st December. I have a little more difficult job on Sunday as I have some accounts in not great state that I've just taken over and I have to make a call on increasing fees - a tough call the way the economy is but I can't see an easy fix for it at the moment.
I'm not sure that I feel any better about my lot than I did last night. I find the present times quite strange as I am working flat out and yet have hardly anything tangible to show for it at the moment. That's mainly not surprising as the business is pretty young. We need to do so much more work in this run up to Christmas. It isn't that really though, it is whether there are other fallouts coming through me doing it? It seems to be a cause for concern - not to me.
The more I think about meeting with the Lawyer on Wednesday the better I feel. I've met only one person who dismissed our ideas and it was because he was lazy and also that he had no social graces. This guy was - as you would expect - extremely clever in what he asked and how he asked it. His "line of questioning" was very good as it drew out what we were doing and re-enforced the homework that we had done, where we were and that there wasn't an area we couldn't answer with relative ease or that we had prepared for. There were a couple of interesting moments especially around the level of investment we had put in and would put in to match the investors. The surprise here is that we have thought that through and the answer is that there is no way we can match them in any way especially because the sort of investment we are going for is to build a large business, our paltry sums would be swallowed and be worthless. Our risks are in working on this now with no income. The business probably wont make any real money for 18 months even after we have finance and so the risk is that we could end up on basic money for 18 months and still get nowhere. Anyway, even on that point we had done some work. We are getting towards being more confident and soon we will have enough pieces in place to do a soft launch.
Until then, I'll have to continue to work at home all hours and just get on with it.
Friday, October 15, 2010
So Why Did I Survive?
Now here is an interesting problem that I get - not sure if everyone else does though so don't take this as a common occurrence it may be just a few of us...
You can look at this particular question a number of ways and you can rationalise it different ways too.
When I've done all the basic rationalisation I came to the conclusion that I did it for myself. Yes I did it for me. Why me? Well because frankly the way other people treat me now, there is no way I would have done it for them. By that I mean that I had a sort of idealogical, rose tinted view of survival and what it would be like. You see, it would be like starting all over again, with a clean sheet of paper. Things that weren't great beforehand would be better, I'd make the word a better place (OK I might still do that! :-)), I'd be treated with a bit of respect, that relationships would somehow magically mend and become closer as they had drifted apart.
I felt that adversity would indeed build a lasting bond and produce this much better life because I had survived and because I saw life as precious and it meant something. What I went through (and am still going through) must have mattered, it was character building stuff, it changed me a lot, it made me more sensitive, more caring, more tolerant (yes it did!!!) and it gave me a whole new outlook on life.
And yet, as I've said before, only I changed, it's still the same old, same old. OK - I've heard from a very drunken source just how frightened everyone was for me but no one has ever said that to me sober. No one has ever admitted, just a little, that they were worried about what was going to happen to me and its as if it never happened. That's what has surprised me the most. No one gives a flying **** about me really apart from me - sure my parents but that's different and my mum I know has taken it the hardest but we have always gotten along just great and I know that it wounded her more than just about anyone else.
I survived (accepting all the medical stuff of course and good fortune and early diagnosis etc) because I wanted to, more than anything I'd realised that it was important to fight this and those who don't inevitably lower their chances (that's what I believe anyway). It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't heroic, it wasn't some huge battle it was as it was, tough going, stoic stuff. I did it because I truly felt things would be different afterwards. Tonight I feel robbed of that - nothing has changed, things are still the same, attitudes linger and I get treated the way I always did and get taken for granted. That's life and what you deal with - I'm sure everyone deals with that sort of stuff day in and day out and that's fine, why should I be any different?
Well - I should be different because that's what I thought would happen and it hasn't (well it hasn't yet). I'm not particularly bitter about it, it just is what it is really, nothing has changed which in my opinion means that perhaps the only person who gets to learn from the whole experience was me. It seems a waste that no one else took away the messages and positives of the journey really. Just me then :-) As normal.
You can look at this particular question a number of ways and you can rationalise it different ways too.
When I've done all the basic rationalisation I came to the conclusion that I did it for myself. Yes I did it for me. Why me? Well because frankly the way other people treat me now, there is no way I would have done it for them. By that I mean that I had a sort of idealogical, rose tinted view of survival and what it would be like. You see, it would be like starting all over again, with a clean sheet of paper. Things that weren't great beforehand would be better, I'd make the word a better place (OK I might still do that! :-)), I'd be treated with a bit of respect, that relationships would somehow magically mend and become closer as they had drifted apart.
I felt that adversity would indeed build a lasting bond and produce this much better life because I had survived and because I saw life as precious and it meant something. What I went through (and am still going through) must have mattered, it was character building stuff, it changed me a lot, it made me more sensitive, more caring, more tolerant (yes it did!!!) and it gave me a whole new outlook on life.
And yet, as I've said before, only I changed, it's still the same old, same old. OK - I've heard from a very drunken source just how frightened everyone was for me but no one has ever said that to me sober. No one has ever admitted, just a little, that they were worried about what was going to happen to me and its as if it never happened. That's what has surprised me the most. No one gives a flying **** about me really apart from me - sure my parents but that's different and my mum I know has taken it the hardest but we have always gotten along just great and I know that it wounded her more than just about anyone else.
I survived (accepting all the medical stuff of course and good fortune and early diagnosis etc) because I wanted to, more than anything I'd realised that it was important to fight this and those who don't inevitably lower their chances (that's what I believe anyway). It wasn't pleasant, it wasn't heroic, it wasn't some huge battle it was as it was, tough going, stoic stuff. I did it because I truly felt things would be different afterwards. Tonight I feel robbed of that - nothing has changed, things are still the same, attitudes linger and I get treated the way I always did and get taken for granted. That's life and what you deal with - I'm sure everyone deals with that sort of stuff day in and day out and that's fine, why should I be any different?
Well - I should be different because that's what I thought would happen and it hasn't (well it hasn't yet). I'm not particularly bitter about it, it just is what it is really, nothing has changed which in my opinion means that perhaps the only person who gets to learn from the whole experience was me. It seems a waste that no one else took away the messages and positives of the journey really. Just me then :-) As normal.
Banging Around in My Head All Afternoon
Portrait (He Knew) by Kansas
He had a thousand ideas, you might have heard his name
He lived alone with his vision
Not looking for fortune or fame
Never said too much to speak of
He was off on another plane
The words that he said were a mystery
Nobody's sure he was sane
But he knew, he knew more than me or you
No one could see his view, Oh where was he going to
He was in search of an answer
The nature of what we are
He was trying to do it a new way
He was bright as a star
But nobody understood him
"His numbers are not the way"
He's lost in the deepest enigma
Which no one's unravelled today
But he knew, he knew more than me or you
No one could see his view, Oh where was he going to
And he tried, but before he could tell us he died
When he left us the people cried,
Oh where was he going to?
He had a different idea
A glimpse of the master plan
He could see into the future
A true visionary man
But there's something he never told us
It died when he went away
If only he could have been with us
No telling what he might say
But he knew, he knew more than me or you
No one could see his view
Oh, where was he going to
But he knew, you could tell by the picture he drew
It was totally something new,
Oh where was he going to?
They don't write them like that any more -good I hear you say :-)
I had forgotten how much I like Kansas - the trouble is that it is some 30 years ago....
Anyway - I just liked the lyrics on this one.
Numbness - when does the pain begin
The pain is always when you get the bill, £280 which was 4 fillings - I wasn't expecting 4 I was expecting 2 today so that was "different".
I got to the Dentists about 10 minutes early and he was late anyway and so that wasn't too bad, I was remarkably relaxed and even now I'm not overly stressed about things. What is quite amazing these days is that after all the stuff they stick in you, especially for us bladder cancer patients, and where they stick it. Getting an injection in your gum hardly seems a problem at all :-)
So it proved but he did stick in a number of jabs and I was a little uncomfortable with that but hey it needed to be done and the 4 filings were pretty major, two white ones and two amalgam. I was a tiny bit uncomfortable with trying to breath and told him I was having a little difficulty but that was about all. There was a bit of time at the end that was off putting only because it took much longer than I expected.
Anyway, I have a completely numb face as a result at the moment and an appointment to get the two fillings on my left hand side done in ju ... (at this point my PC crashed and then restarted and then did it again. If I can't get my new venture to do better than that I don't deserve to be in business. Apparently it was doing an upgrade in the background and decided that it didn't matter what I was doing, it was going to screw up my work) st under two weeks time. After that it is a case of a bit of root canal work on one tooth and a potential extraction on another. Ho hum.
My mouth is still numb after 2 hours - hopefully it will go and I can actually eat something and do a bit more than sipping coffee later.
I got to the Dentists about 10 minutes early and he was late anyway and so that wasn't too bad, I was remarkably relaxed and even now I'm not overly stressed about things. What is quite amazing these days is that after all the stuff they stick in you, especially for us bladder cancer patients, and where they stick it. Getting an injection in your gum hardly seems a problem at all :-)
So it proved but he did stick in a number of jabs and I was a little uncomfortable with that but hey it needed to be done and the 4 filings were pretty major, two white ones and two amalgam. I was a tiny bit uncomfortable with trying to breath and told him I was having a little difficulty but that was about all. There was a bit of time at the end that was off putting only because it took much longer than I expected.
Anyway, I have a completely numb face as a result at the moment and an appointment to get the two fillings on my left hand side done in ju ... (at this point my PC crashed and then restarted and then did it again. If I can't get my new venture to do better than that I don't deserve to be in business. Apparently it was doing an upgrade in the background and decided that it didn't matter what I was doing, it was going to screw up my work) st under two weeks time. After that it is a case of a bit of root canal work on one tooth and a potential extraction on another. Ho hum.
My mouth is still numb after 2 hours - hopefully it will go and I can actually eat something and do a bit more than sipping coffee later.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Dentist in the morning
First trip to get some work done. I'm pretty much resigned to getting there and getting it over and done with. I need to have a chat with him tomorrow to see what the plan of work is and I need to make sure that I take my diary to set up some time for the next batch of treatment. Hopefully it won't be too soon but it took 2 weeks to get this first appointment so I may just have to take what I am given.
Not looking forward to the numb lips on the way home. I could however do with the walk over to the dentist and back by way of exercise although I did a fair amount of walking around London yesterday I haven't managed to get to do any exercise this week down to the sheer volume of work I've been doing.
Next week will be fun as I have to go up to London on Thursday for the annual Festival Forum. I am looking forward to going out for a few beers afterwards with the girls from the office. I've realised too that next week is just full on as we have a Lodge meeting on Saturday morning followed by a Ladies Night that evening (two meals in one day - eeek). I've been invited to a meeting on the following Monday too which I'd totally forgotten about - I need to check I can still make it. I've taken to working downstairs and so miss my other PC where a lot of my stuff is also kept.
I'm feeling well, quite up following yesterday's meeting. I hope that we will see some real progress early next week - we need to or things will stall. I also need to spend some time sorting out accounts this week ready to go and sort those out as I know run 3 lots of accounts and 2 of them need tidying up - one I can complete for this year and complete the balance sheet, the other needs to be picked up and for me to make some sense out of it. That's the weekend gone by the looks of it!
Not looking forward to the numb lips on the way home. I could however do with the walk over to the dentist and back by way of exercise although I did a fair amount of walking around London yesterday I haven't managed to get to do any exercise this week down to the sheer volume of work I've been doing.
Next week will be fun as I have to go up to London on Thursday for the annual Festival Forum. I am looking forward to going out for a few beers afterwards with the girls from the office. I've realised too that next week is just full on as we have a Lodge meeting on Saturday morning followed by a Ladies Night that evening (two meals in one day - eeek). I've been invited to a meeting on the following Monday too which I'd totally forgotten about - I need to check I can still make it. I've taken to working downstairs and so miss my other PC where a lot of my stuff is also kept.
I'm feeling well, quite up following yesterday's meeting. I hope that we will see some real progress early next week - we need to or things will stall. I also need to spend some time sorting out accounts this week ready to go and sort those out as I know run 3 lots of accounts and 2 of them need tidying up - one I can complete for this year and complete the balance sheet, the other needs to be picked up and for me to make some sense out of it. That's the weekend gone by the looks of it!
Come on come on
I am getting impatient to get our web site together and get our branding and all our hard work seen but, as I know by now, I must follow the process and eat my own dog food. For years I had advised businesses about making business change about how to build websites and on-line banks, about software development, bidding and running work, due diligence, process, operational and management techniques and guess what? All that stuff I've been peddling for year and years..... actually works :-) It did for my customers and does for us now. How on earth could I desert the process that I put in place.
But like anyone who is waiting for a long time for their baby to be born, the wait has been many years and it isn't over yet. Our baby is already 6 months overdue but none of us was in a position to start earlier. Now we are right into the work it is a little frustrating to see it just out of reach still but it is coming along - just not as fast as we wanted.
My business partner and I had a chat last night and both of us have "friends" that are being like millstones and Harry Potter death-eaters to us. The sort of person who burdens you with their problems and drains you of your energy and loads up your system with their stress and makes you feel bad. They, on the other hand walk away with their burden lightened leaving you a positive wreck. Such is the nature of the cancer survivor's lot that whilst they are pretty tough on the outside and have been through stuff you don't really want to know about, inside they are little frailer and weaker than they will admit to you. I'm wracked with guilt sometimes about not being a friend to people and yet I'd probably not be that much use to them.
Other than that - I've been amazingly busy this week and work has been all consuming and very interesting learning about advertising, tag lines, SEO, web placement and all that good stuff. All good fun.
But like anyone who is waiting for a long time for their baby to be born, the wait has been many years and it isn't over yet. Our baby is already 6 months overdue but none of us was in a position to start earlier. Now we are right into the work it is a little frustrating to see it just out of reach still but it is coming along - just not as fast as we wanted.
My business partner and I had a chat last night and both of us have "friends" that are being like millstones and Harry Potter death-eaters to us. The sort of person who burdens you with their problems and drains you of your energy and loads up your system with their stress and makes you feel bad. They, on the other hand walk away with their burden lightened leaving you a positive wreck. Such is the nature of the cancer survivor's lot that whilst they are pretty tough on the outside and have been through stuff you don't really want to know about, inside they are little frailer and weaker than they will admit to you. I'm wracked with guilt sometimes about not being a friend to people and yet I'd probably not be that much use to them.
Other than that - I've been amazingly busy this week and work has been all consuming and very interesting learning about advertising, tag lines, SEO, web placement and all that good stuff. All good fun.
Around Midnight
With due deference to Thelonious Monk - it is actually the time now and I have arrived home. Today started at 7 am and we had a full on day until 4 when we went off and caught a train to London and started a meeting with a Lawyer at 6 in a noisy Soho pub. We eventually went on to a nice French Restaurant where we could at last hear ourselves talk.
Had a good day we decided - it was full on and we were "challenged" on a number of our assertions about the business but, generally came through them with good answers - we had done our homework which I knew we would....
Two days in one almost and a really useful 16 or so hours today! I shall give myself an extra 30 minutes in bed tomorrow - I've deserved it...
Had a good day we decided - it was full on and we were "challenged" on a number of our assertions about the business but, generally came through them with good answers - we had done our homework which I knew we would....
Two days in one almost and a really useful 16 or so hours today! I shall give myself an extra 30 minutes in bed tomorrow - I've deserved it...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In my dreams
I was having an interesting talk this evening and I realised that no one understands a word about what I say about my new business - it is so "off the wall" that explaining it must be like explaining radio or TV or Morse code or Steam Engines for the first time. Such is the problem that our little band of pioneers have taken on. How did Baird decide to call it "Television" or Marconi "Radio" or Edison "Phonograph" - gee I hope that was right :-)
See what I mean - how would you come up with stuff that was just - way out there - far left field - so different you;d think we were on hallucinogenic drugs! (I can't believe how difficult it was to spell that - you'd have to be on drugs to do that!).
We are working on something that is so different to anything out there but isn't impossible to deliver now - it is all existing technology. It just comes at it from such a different way that to explain it to people is almost impossible. We have a meeting in the morning to rectify that - but it is just so revolutionary and so simple you wonder why no one thought of it before? They may have done but there is no common language (yet) to release it to the public.
Things are really exciting as I described my plans to my mother today as being as close to engendering positive social change as I could manage. I suggested that the journey in itself was going to be the thing that changed my life and made survival important - in fact that this current journey I am on would be something that would define the remainder of my life (however long that may prove to be). By that I mean that the process of this current journey will not only deliver something that is truly beneficial to society but that getting to that point will be such a journey that we will find out so much more about ourselves and will test us to the extreme. I feel that there are a series of temptations in the way not least of which is bailing out early, before our work is seen through as it is the alternative and easy way out. It means we take the cash but don't see the vision through to its conclusion. So many interesting things in a highly commercial venture which actually has life changing possibilities and altruistic guiding principles at its heart.
My business partner and I had similar traumas at around the same time and our relationship - whilst going back many years prior to this - has blossomed and we used to meet to discuss how we were feeling and coping with our issues and as time went on this idea (not mine but his) grew and grew to the point now where it has taken over a huge part op our lives. It is almost like something you have to go through to get on further - if that makes sense? We have to go down this route.
Tomorrow we see if we can settle the real selling words and actually determine some new language about what we stand for and what we will do. So far, it is our biggest sticking point. Later on we will meet the person who may become our Lawyer (wish I was clever enough to be one) who will be chatting about protecting our arses in the future.
Suddenly, I feel divorced from my non-business friends who see but don't get the risks and who really don't get business at all. We may well fail - so many young fledgling businesses do but, we will have given it our all and will have filled in the gaps and repaired the holes in our self-esteem that cancer will have given us. I think it may be interesting if anyone works for us though - how on earth are they going to "get us" if they haven't had the trauma and experiences we have had in getting where we wanted to go?
See what I mean - how would you come up with stuff that was just - way out there - far left field - so different you;d think we were on hallucinogenic drugs! (I can't believe how difficult it was to spell that - you'd have to be on drugs to do that!).
We are working on something that is so different to anything out there but isn't impossible to deliver now - it is all existing technology. It just comes at it from such a different way that to explain it to people is almost impossible. We have a meeting in the morning to rectify that - but it is just so revolutionary and so simple you wonder why no one thought of it before? They may have done but there is no common language (yet) to release it to the public.
Things are really exciting as I described my plans to my mother today as being as close to engendering positive social change as I could manage. I suggested that the journey in itself was going to be the thing that changed my life and made survival important - in fact that this current journey I am on would be something that would define the remainder of my life (however long that may prove to be). By that I mean that the process of this current journey will not only deliver something that is truly beneficial to society but that getting to that point will be such a journey that we will find out so much more about ourselves and will test us to the extreme. I feel that there are a series of temptations in the way not least of which is bailing out early, before our work is seen through as it is the alternative and easy way out. It means we take the cash but don't see the vision through to its conclusion. So many interesting things in a highly commercial venture which actually has life changing possibilities and altruistic guiding principles at its heart.
My business partner and I had similar traumas at around the same time and our relationship - whilst going back many years prior to this - has blossomed and we used to meet to discuss how we were feeling and coping with our issues and as time went on this idea (not mine but his) grew and grew to the point now where it has taken over a huge part op our lives. It is almost like something you have to go through to get on further - if that makes sense? We have to go down this route.
Tomorrow we see if we can settle the real selling words and actually determine some new language about what we stand for and what we will do. So far, it is our biggest sticking point. Later on we will meet the person who may become our Lawyer (wish I was clever enough to be one) who will be chatting about protecting our arses in the future.
Suddenly, I feel divorced from my non-business friends who see but don't get the risks and who really don't get business at all. We may well fail - so many young fledgling businesses do but, we will have given it our all and will have filled in the gaps and repaired the holes in our self-esteem that cancer will have given us. I think it may be interesting if anyone works for us though - how on earth are they going to "get us" if they haven't had the trauma and experiences we have had in getting where we wanted to go?
Having Struggled With My Own Problems
Having to struggle with other people's is draining my energy again. I'd forgotten how much one of my 'friends' is having his own struggle but is incapable of letting his friends help him, pride is not a good thing when you are sinking like a stone. The Kubler Ross Cycle can look like this graph and at the moment my man is somewhere between denial and anger and has a fair old way to go to sort through the problems he is encountering.
The trouble is that the anger is targeted at me and his friends and the more you try and help the greater the depth of denial and antagonism. If you don't help or let him get on with it then you're wrong again then too - you can't win when they are like that. I did give him a bit of a bark back but also now let him think that he is right if that satisfies his "I'm the victim" stance. I'm not sure how long I will last out before I explain the facts of life - I've already told him straight a couple of times but there's no telling some folk.....
Enough - I'm just depressing myself now .... :-)
The trouble is that the anger is targeted at me and his friends and the more you try and help the greater the depth of denial and antagonism. If you don't help or let him get on with it then you're wrong again then too - you can't win when they are like that. I did give him a bit of a bark back but also now let him think that he is right if that satisfies his "I'm the victim" stance. I'm not sure how long I will last out before I explain the facts of life - I've already told him straight a couple of times but there's no telling some folk.....
Enough - I'm just depressing myself now .... :-)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Paranoia
Not my paranoia - my friend - who is stretching that description. You may, or may not recall, that I bumped into said friend when I was going for a couple of appointments a few weeks back, one to introduce my business partner to some very old friends of mine and secondly to meet a potential team member whom, now met, I would parade before anyone who would listen to demonstrate what a lack of social skills and a head up arse attitude will make you end up like.
So, you may recall out of nowhere, this guy appears and takes up my space on the train (this is my friend) and we proceed on a journey up to London, I don't tell him I am meeting the other two as - he has little or no money and we are going to spend a bit for lunch and after all, what does he need to know for? It ends up that he finds out and tags along which completely stymies my meeting to do the introductions and gets his problems off his chest. I am talking to these guys about getting £1M of funding - not how I've squandered all my chances and am pissing off my firends by not reading the in between lines stuff.
Tonight he tells me that I didn't want him to be there. So I said that's right, it was a business meeting even if he does know them - if I'd have invited him he could have come along. The guy can't read the signs at all. He obviously got that I was pissed off with him though as he mentioned it tonight. As I said to him, it was an introductory meeting, to meet my old work colleagues to do some networking, to get some connections and was not a beer fest to which he wasn't invited - it was serendipity that brought him to the same train as me not because I didn't invite him. Did he understand it? No of course not, it just grieves me that this guy is slowly going down the whirlpool and as he's getting faster and faster going under he is just alienating any attempt at logical discussion and giving me a load of grief about it. I'm a little too soft to tell him where I think he should shove his opinions. But you probably guess that it is pretty dark there.
I am seeing him tomorrow perhaps I will explain it one more time that it is business and not personal. If I had wanted him to be there and I didn't I would have asked him. I would certainly not have invited myself along and then dug him out for getting the hump. As it is I need to reconvene the meeting to discuss the points that I couldn't with him being around. Talking £Ms in front of a guy with bad prospects to actually get a job at the moment isn't going to help his self-esteem in that situation.
So, you may recall out of nowhere, this guy appears and takes up my space on the train (this is my friend) and we proceed on a journey up to London, I don't tell him I am meeting the other two as - he has little or no money and we are going to spend a bit for lunch and after all, what does he need to know for? It ends up that he finds out and tags along which completely stymies my meeting to do the introductions and gets his problems off his chest. I am talking to these guys about getting £1M of funding - not how I've squandered all my chances and am pissing off my firends by not reading the in between lines stuff.
Tonight he tells me that I didn't want him to be there. So I said that's right, it was a business meeting even if he does know them - if I'd have invited him he could have come along. The guy can't read the signs at all. He obviously got that I was pissed off with him though as he mentioned it tonight. As I said to him, it was an introductory meeting, to meet my old work colleagues to do some networking, to get some connections and was not a beer fest to which he wasn't invited - it was serendipity that brought him to the same train as me not because I didn't invite him. Did he understand it? No of course not, it just grieves me that this guy is slowly going down the whirlpool and as he's getting faster and faster going under he is just alienating any attempt at logical discussion and giving me a load of grief about it. I'm a little too soft to tell him where I think he should shove his opinions. But you probably guess that it is pretty dark there.
I am seeing him tomorrow perhaps I will explain it one more time that it is business and not personal. If I had wanted him to be there and I didn't I would have asked him. I would certainly not have invited myself along and then dug him out for getting the hump. As it is I need to reconvene the meeting to discuss the points that I couldn't with him being around. Talking £Ms in front of a guy with bad prospects to actually get a job at the moment isn't going to help his self-esteem in that situation.
Things that make me feel a little queasy
I had the most horrible set of flash backs over night. Back to them sticking things into me and my own personal horrors. I know that perhaps you shouldn't say that things are horrible but they are and probably more so now than they were then. A bit more about this later.
A friend tweeted this earlier today and I went and read it and got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the slight ache of stress in my chest kicks in. It isn't that it is inaccurate - far from it, neither is it anything other than what it is. It doesn't mention one thing in my humble opinion and that is what it does to your head. I think that it must do something if you've got the news that it is - or it may be - terminal - you need to deal with that. They don't say all the ways it messes with your mind. Your perception of self and your self-esteem, your morals, your faith, your friends and family, your relationship with the world and your interaction with your environment. Reality becomes somehow different, things move from extreme to extreme - logic somehow gets thrust to one side and your whole mind and body goes out of equilibrium throwing you a huge curve ball and knocking you off balance. You can choose many ways to behave and many ways to combat it but that whole section seemed to me to be missing as it is in the Consultant's room too. We treat the physical manifestation of the disease and we rarely, if ever, in my opinion and experience, treat the massive impact it has on your psychological well being.
Remembering what I used to be like and I'm not entirely changed so I'm told, I am now far more of a comedian than I was before - I was funny before now I am more so, more sarcastic, quick witted and many other things but I can go too far and don't know when to stop (until I know when to stop which may have been too late). I am confident but also much less pushy and (know it all is probably too harsh) assertive, unless I really want to be. Nowadays I really don't do fools and jobs-worths at all - they really take a bashing. However, I fall apart really Quickly, I get terrible guilt trips and find silly things to reproach myself for even if I could in no way have influenced them or done anything about them, I find many things make me emotional. Anything to do with my children can reduce me to a wreck - just silly stuff this is, remembering them bringing me something back from school can turn me into some sort of weepy film scenario. I'm not sure what that is exactly but it's all connected and this isn't just family this is anything that is sweet or sad - I think it has to do with innocence and starting out that way and then all the stuff that come afterwards. It is one of the many injustices that exist in this world that cancer makes you aware of.
I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and said something about "sorting yourself out" it isn't that I am probably any different to anyone else - I mean what/who have I got to compare my feelings with anyway? Perhaps that's it - I have a few friends who I have discussed it with but I certainly don't tend to talk about to anybody much apart from this blog which - bless its heart - gets the full ire and angst to deal with, it gets the lot doesn't it :-)
So back to the flash backs and these are intermingled with the kids - they are mainly happy memories but these make me sad (perhaps something lost - me working hard when they were little and not being there enough?). I feel bad about just about anything to do with my pre-cancer life. I'm sure they don't feel like that but I just happen to. Then the hospital flash backs - which were just not nice at all. I don't know why but maybe again it is the brain processing stuff and just reminding me that it isn't all over yet and as much as I think I'm walking away from this, it is part of my life and always will be for better or worse, it happened and it isn't finished yet.
A friend tweeted this earlier today and I went and read it and got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the slight ache of stress in my chest kicks in. It isn't that it is inaccurate - far from it, neither is it anything other than what it is. It doesn't mention one thing in my humble opinion and that is what it does to your head. I think that it must do something if you've got the news that it is - or it may be - terminal - you need to deal with that. They don't say all the ways it messes with your mind. Your perception of self and your self-esteem, your morals, your faith, your friends and family, your relationship with the world and your interaction with your environment. Reality becomes somehow different, things move from extreme to extreme - logic somehow gets thrust to one side and your whole mind and body goes out of equilibrium throwing you a huge curve ball and knocking you off balance. You can choose many ways to behave and many ways to combat it but that whole section seemed to me to be missing as it is in the Consultant's room too. We treat the physical manifestation of the disease and we rarely, if ever, in my opinion and experience, treat the massive impact it has on your psychological well being.
Remembering what I used to be like and I'm not entirely changed so I'm told, I am now far more of a comedian than I was before - I was funny before now I am more so, more sarcastic, quick witted and many other things but I can go too far and don't know when to stop (until I know when to stop which may have been too late). I am confident but also much less pushy and (know it all is probably too harsh) assertive, unless I really want to be. Nowadays I really don't do fools and jobs-worths at all - they really take a bashing. However, I fall apart really Quickly, I get terrible guilt trips and find silly things to reproach myself for even if I could in no way have influenced them or done anything about them, I find many things make me emotional. Anything to do with my children can reduce me to a wreck - just silly stuff this is, remembering them bringing me something back from school can turn me into some sort of weepy film scenario. I'm not sure what that is exactly but it's all connected and this isn't just family this is anything that is sweet or sad - I think it has to do with innocence and starting out that way and then all the stuff that come afterwards. It is one of the many injustices that exist in this world that cancer makes you aware of.
I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and said something about "sorting yourself out" it isn't that I am probably any different to anyone else - I mean what/who have I got to compare my feelings with anyway? Perhaps that's it - I have a few friends who I have discussed it with but I certainly don't tend to talk about to anybody much apart from this blog which - bless its heart - gets the full ire and angst to deal with, it gets the lot doesn't it :-)
So back to the flash backs and these are intermingled with the kids - they are mainly happy memories but these make me sad (perhaps something lost - me working hard when they were little and not being there enough?). I feel bad about just about anything to do with my pre-cancer life. I'm sure they don't feel like that but I just happen to. Then the hospital flash backs - which were just not nice at all. I don't know why but maybe again it is the brain processing stuff and just reminding me that it isn't all over yet and as much as I think I'm walking away from this, it is part of my life and always will be for better or worse, it happened and it isn't finished yet.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
At least the race was on
After he disappointment of yesterday, at least the race was on today and I watched that at 7am and followed that up with the MotoGP race straight afterwards.
I decided to take it really easy and have had a couple of hour long snoozes in my favourite chair today mainly to catch up with the lack of sleep from last night - my goodness did I have some strange dreams and two early mornings and the whole week of work.
Last week was a strange old week and an emotional roller coaster - I found myself really troubled and emotionally drained come Tuesday evening and yet once I had got that off my chest the remainder of the week seemed to go better. I'm absolutely flying at work at the moment. After much research and planning at last things are coming together but in a far more uncontrolled way than I wished for. Both of us (my co-founder and I) remind ourselves that at the moment we are treading a lonely road and we produce just about everything for the business. For the 2nd week I have worked in the dining room rather than in my office as I find I can better discipline my working day. For another week I have managed just one serious bit of exercise despite the fact I have done walking and some heavy lifting down the week.
This week gets interesting indeed as we ramp up the work and meet someone who will potentially be our lawyer or will be our legal advisor. We should also, I hope, be in a position to move the description forward and I am aiming for the web site to be completed later this month. It is hard work to make it all happen but no one said it would be easy.
I still feel the best I have felt for years and years. I think because I am getting stuff sorted out. The trip to the dentist this Friday will also help me to commence getting my teeth back under control and I am also hoping to get even more progress on sorting myself out a bit. Last week there were a few occasions where I was out of control, by that I mean that I was unable to control my emotions, my time keeping and my logic and level headedness just disappeared. Very unlike me to get quite so excitable really. I hope that this week I can keep a lid on it.
The dreams are just amazing things - the one last night (featuring Michael Caine of all people) was all about secrecy and keeping what we are doing a bit of an enigma for a little longer. These things are playing on my mind and are manifesting themselves in the most bizarre ways. Last week was definitely not one I want to repeat and I certainly don't want my head to explode into a huge guilt trip again, I don't need to beat myself up, cancer already did that. I just need to take it a little easy and to use my excess energy in positive ways.
I suppose finding yet another person who I know - on top of the lad with Appendix Cancer who now has Lung Cancer just puts the mockers on things, a number of others aren't doing well either. I can't work out why I feel so bad about it, I have no idea if they felt bad about what I had. I don't suppose they did but I see no reason not to feel empathy for them and their relatives.
I decided to take it really easy and have had a couple of hour long snoozes in my favourite chair today mainly to catch up with the lack of sleep from last night - my goodness did I have some strange dreams and two early mornings and the whole week of work.
Last week was a strange old week and an emotional roller coaster - I found myself really troubled and emotionally drained come Tuesday evening and yet once I had got that off my chest the remainder of the week seemed to go better. I'm absolutely flying at work at the moment. After much research and planning at last things are coming together but in a far more uncontrolled way than I wished for. Both of us (my co-founder and I) remind ourselves that at the moment we are treading a lonely road and we produce just about everything for the business. For the 2nd week I have worked in the dining room rather than in my office as I find I can better discipline my working day. For another week I have managed just one serious bit of exercise despite the fact I have done walking and some heavy lifting down the week.
This week gets interesting indeed as we ramp up the work and meet someone who will potentially be our lawyer or will be our legal advisor. We should also, I hope, be in a position to move the description forward and I am aiming for the web site to be completed later this month. It is hard work to make it all happen but no one said it would be easy.
I still feel the best I have felt for years and years. I think because I am getting stuff sorted out. The trip to the dentist this Friday will also help me to commence getting my teeth back under control and I am also hoping to get even more progress on sorting myself out a bit. Last week there were a few occasions where I was out of control, by that I mean that I was unable to control my emotions, my time keeping and my logic and level headedness just disappeared. Very unlike me to get quite so excitable really. I hope that this week I can keep a lid on it.
The dreams are just amazing things - the one last night (featuring Michael Caine of all people) was all about secrecy and keeping what we are doing a bit of an enigma for a little longer. These things are playing on my mind and are manifesting themselves in the most bizarre ways. Last week was definitely not one I want to repeat and I certainly don't want my head to explode into a huge guilt trip again, I don't need to beat myself up, cancer already did that. I just need to take it a little easy and to use my excess energy in positive ways.
I suppose finding yet another person who I know - on top of the lad with Appendix Cancer who now has Lung Cancer just puts the mockers on things, a number of others aren't doing well either. I can't work out why I feel so bad about it, I have no idea if they felt bad about what I had. I don't suppose they did but I see no reason not to feel empathy for them and their relatives.
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Let's see - the funny side is?
That I got up early to watch the F1 qualifying from Japan. Like really early and got downstairs, did some pottering about, got a coffee, had my keep alive pills and sat down. Turned on the TV and there was.........
The News? OK exciting news they were just about to get to the Miners in Chile but where was the qualifying? There was nothing there and not wanting to know who was on pole etc. I trawelled around the buttons making sure I hadn't missed it, no it was scheduled to be on but wasn't. So I guess they must have published it later than it actually was and knowing it was going to be on later I contented myself with reading the paper from 5 in the morning rather than watching any more news or sports program until it came on at 1 pm.
I worked away keeping away from radio, internet and TV and at 1 pm the programme opened with a woman standing in torrential tropical rain saying that qualifying had been cancelled and it would take place before the race! Like 2 am our time Sunday and the race would be at 7am. They then re-scheduled all the programmes for the afternoon and that was that. Oh great! Just my luck :-)
As for everything else - its all looking good and work is great - I made myself stop this afternoon and I'm off to bed shortly so I can get up at the crack of sparrows to watch the race. I know I could record it but that really isn't the spirit and anyway, straight afterwards the MotoGP will be on as well so I might as well have a morning full of sport!
The News? OK exciting news they were just about to get to the Miners in Chile but where was the qualifying? There was nothing there and not wanting to know who was on pole etc. I trawelled around the buttons making sure I hadn't missed it, no it was scheduled to be on but wasn't. So I guess they must have published it later than it actually was and knowing it was going to be on later I contented myself with reading the paper from 5 in the morning rather than watching any more news or sports program until it came on at 1 pm.
I worked away keeping away from radio, internet and TV and at 1 pm the programme opened with a woman standing in torrential tropical rain saying that qualifying had been cancelled and it would take place before the race! Like 2 am our time Sunday and the race would be at 7am. They then re-scheduled all the programmes for the afternoon and that was that. Oh great! Just my luck :-)
As for everything else - its all looking good and work is great - I made myself stop this afternoon and I'm off to bed shortly so I can get up at the crack of sparrows to watch the race. I know I could record it but that really isn't the spirit and anyway, straight afterwards the MotoGP will be on as well so I might as well have a morning full of sport!
Thursday, October 07, 2010
Super Nova
My energy levels are just massive at the moment - I could happily carry on working for days and not need sleep - I don't get tired and I'm not getting bored, everything is new and wow and (oh go on I'll say it even though I shouldn't and only for you - awesome). I just don't know where all this has come from. The trouble is it is destructive and constructive all at the same time. I doing some of my best work and some of my worst. I am being self destructive and yet it is all leading some place, I can feel it. It is climactic but not yet - it is just growing and growing and I'm just a bag of energy and I'm holding myself back.
It's like a creative explosion is happening which has fractured my normal logical way of doing things and led me to a point of huge surges in adrenalin rushed effort that may or equally may not end up in me doing something useful.
I've just had a lovely night out with CD and his friend. Last year we were a little tightly packed into the Guildhall. This time we were nicely spaced out. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening yet again.
Here is something that I hadn't thought about. The chap next door to me had been at the Guildhall for a big charity function the night before. He said that he gets to dine here and at Butchers' Hall and a few others down the year. the Guildhall at least 5 times a year and the Mansion House once or twice a year. He then said, and this made me think.... A radio and TV host (Richard Madeley) had been on the radio saying that he had dined once at the Guildhall and how "special" it was. He dined there many time and I tend to go once a year. I hadn't realised quite how privileged I am to be able to do this. It's one of the most historical places in London. The Guilds and the whole history of London, it's Lord Mayor etc. is all wrapped up in this building and there we were meeting and dining in high style in the Crypt of the Guildhall.
Sometimes, I don't realise how lucky and how fortunate I am - I doubt any of my family have ever dined there and as I've been there a number of times, I was annoyed that I perhaps had "taken it for granted". London is an amazing place in terms of its tradition and history. I keep thinking about joining a Guild and I keep holding myself back. I've got the forms for becoming a Freeman of the City of London on my desk too. I just haven't completely convinced myself it is the right thing to do - much as I'd like to - I'm not convinced the Memsahib would be entirely convinced.
It's like a creative explosion is happening which has fractured my normal logical way of doing things and led me to a point of huge surges in adrenalin rushed effort that may or equally may not end up in me doing something useful.
I've just had a lovely night out with CD and his friend. Last year we were a little tightly packed into the Guildhall. This time we were nicely spaced out. It was a thoroughly enjoyable evening yet again.
Here is something that I hadn't thought about. The chap next door to me had been at the Guildhall for a big charity function the night before. He said that he gets to dine here and at Butchers' Hall and a few others down the year. the Guildhall at least 5 times a year and the Mansion House once or twice a year. He then said, and this made me think.... A radio and TV host (Richard Madeley) had been on the radio saying that he had dined once at the Guildhall and how "special" it was. He dined there many time and I tend to go once a year. I hadn't realised quite how privileged I am to be able to do this. It's one of the most historical places in London. The Guilds and the whole history of London, it's Lord Mayor etc. is all wrapped up in this building and there we were meeting and dining in high style in the Crypt of the Guildhall.
Sometimes, I don't realise how lucky and how fortunate I am - I doubt any of my family have ever dined there and as I've been there a number of times, I was annoyed that I perhaps had "taken it for granted". London is an amazing place in terms of its tradition and history. I keep thinking about joining a Guild and I keep holding myself back. I've got the forms for becoming a Freeman of the City of London on my desk too. I just haven't completely convinced myself it is the right thing to do - much as I'd like to - I'm not convinced the Memsahib would be entirely convinced.
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