I think I've done my usual this year and got everything delivered to me. I don't get the "attraction" of pounding around crowded shops to buy your Christmas Gifts when someone has set up a business that allows me to see what I want from the comfort of my own home and allows me to have Christmas come to me, including all the food too.
Today, the food arrives and the last of the presents (I hope). I am looking forward to symbolically turning the corner and getting aligned for 2015. I've given over this year and rightly so. It's time to chill out and relax and then to be ready for 2015 and moving things onwards.
Of course the 1st January is a day just like any other day but you can use it to make changes I think and from that point of view it will help to get rid of the old and bring in the new.
I did find last year quite a strain and it was all a bit "put on" as I knew what was happening even if half the people didn't! New Year was horrible but this year it will be better even though I'm not "in my own home" as this place is a halfway house not a home.
So here it comes, Christmas in a box and we have a couple of things to do and then we can press on and tackle 2015.
Monday, December 22, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Still Around
Well - that's over a month without posting here. I guess there isn't a lot to say as I'm busy launching the business. Other people are busy having their own fight against Cancer and me? I'm doing fine, getting on with life and things are happening but altogether slowly at the moment.
The house sale fell through and I ended up with all my stuff in storage and so I'm hemorrhaging cash at the moment until the house gets sold. I'll have been here a year next month and that doesn't seem quite possible but there you go - a year ago I was hunting for a flat.
Christmas will be with P and her family which will be nice. Looking forward to that and New Year we are off to a Hootenanny which once again I'm seriously looking forward to.
Next year is going to be different, I can feel it in my bones. I just need to get my head around the business and move on - it's not difficult to do that it is however fragmented as the odds and ends that need tidying up get sorted out. The segways they take you on sometimes hardly seem worth the immense effort expended (yes I'm talking to you HMRC).
The house sale fell through and I ended up with all my stuff in storage and so I'm hemorrhaging cash at the moment until the house gets sold. I'll have been here a year next month and that doesn't seem quite possible but there you go - a year ago I was hunting for a flat.
Christmas will be with P and her family which will be nice. Looking forward to that and New Year we are off to a Hootenanny which once again I'm seriously looking forward to.
Next year is going to be different, I can feel it in my bones. I just need to get my head around the business and move on - it's not difficult to do that it is however fragmented as the odds and ends that need tidying up get sorted out. The segways they take you on sometimes hardly seem worth the immense effort expended (yes I'm talking to you HMRC).
Thursday, November 13, 2014
And Another
It seems to be a bad year as another friend has Cancer and this time it's Prostate and needs an operation. I wonder if that's why P was worried about me - I was sitting down and in my own little world and flashing back to everything that happened to me and then trying to imagine what my friends will have to go through.
You so quickly forget what it was like and I think the mind/brain is very good at locking this stuff out but when you go back and dip in you remember the frightening bits, the worry, the discomfort (for they have stuff for pain), the re-living of all those whom you've known have Cancer and the good and bad bits of course. You can't actually be human if you don't actually know someone who has suffered from, is being treated for or has died of Cancer.
So this week's been very strange for me as I've remembered things (no doubt recorded in the early parts of this blog) that I'd suppressed and hidden. Having been through (I think) it is 11 or 12 operations with Bladder Cancer and about the same number with my ear problems when I was a kid it I can relate to what is going to happen to my friend and my other friend having Chemo I can understand his dilemma too, I think I had 36 Immunotherapy treatments. I can't now recall how I felt at the time as my head has destroyed it. I can read about it but I don't actually relive the experience and that's so strange.
Operations and treatments are intensely personal experiences and you live through them and sometimes they aren't what you were expecting and whilst I was pretty grossed out to have tubes in and out of my body and all sorts of strange things shoved into me it was necessary and my medical team were there to heal me and get rid of the Cancer. The treatments I recall were in many ways worse than the operation to remove the tumours.
The operation is over and done with and you wake up with the work done whilst you weren't awake. Sure you feel groggy as hell and you have sufficient pain killers to make sure you don't feel bad and you can always ask for more etc. Treatments tend to be done whilst awake and come one after the other meaning just as you recover from one, you feel great for a day before they treat you again and you go back to feeling rough again. I likened it being kicked in the balls once a week for six weeks. Just as you got over one you went back and started all over again.
Yes it's been a strange week remembering my history of operations and treatments but having said that it was uncomfortable and if you've read some of the earlier stuff you'll know that it's no easy ride and it isn't for wimps. I was a wimp to start with but I wanted to be cured and I wanted to live. I was determined to see the treatment through and trusted in my consultant and the team (with a few documented exceptions).
Overridingly though, I'm still here and it's got to be 8 years and around 6 years clear. Every minute, hour and day takes me into longer being clear, less likelihood of recurrence and a fitter healthier life.
I've now a new lady in my life and life is really exciting again. It's a little rocky as we've both got baggage but who wouldn't have after 50 years on the Earth :-) I can see a life ahead of me that I wouldn't have had had it not been for the dedication of my health team and the care I was given.
It's a rocky road and your head interferes and messes with your senses and the little voice in your head tries to depress you but don't listen to all that. Today's techniques and drugs and more of us living through Cancer should be encouragement.
I was re-reading a book the other day and it reminded me that Cancer cannot survive in alkaline and sugar free environments. I do need to go "eat my own dog food" though as I haven't been adhering to my diet for the past 6 months and I must get back to it.
Good luck to my friends in their treatment though. The big lesson from being under the NHS was that it is a wonderful organisation but it moves at its own speed you cannot rush it. Likewise it takes longer than you think to recover and get "back to normal" so don't try to rush it and don't do what I did by rushing back to exercise and putting myself back weeks.
You so quickly forget what it was like and I think the mind/brain is very good at locking this stuff out but when you go back and dip in you remember the frightening bits, the worry, the discomfort (for they have stuff for pain), the re-living of all those whom you've known have Cancer and the good and bad bits of course. You can't actually be human if you don't actually know someone who has suffered from, is being treated for or has died of Cancer.
So this week's been very strange for me as I've remembered things (no doubt recorded in the early parts of this blog) that I'd suppressed and hidden. Having been through (I think) it is 11 or 12 operations with Bladder Cancer and about the same number with my ear problems when I was a kid it I can relate to what is going to happen to my friend and my other friend having Chemo I can understand his dilemma too, I think I had 36 Immunotherapy treatments. I can't now recall how I felt at the time as my head has destroyed it. I can read about it but I don't actually relive the experience and that's so strange.
Operations and treatments are intensely personal experiences and you live through them and sometimes they aren't what you were expecting and whilst I was pretty grossed out to have tubes in and out of my body and all sorts of strange things shoved into me it was necessary and my medical team were there to heal me and get rid of the Cancer. The treatments I recall were in many ways worse than the operation to remove the tumours.
The operation is over and done with and you wake up with the work done whilst you weren't awake. Sure you feel groggy as hell and you have sufficient pain killers to make sure you don't feel bad and you can always ask for more etc. Treatments tend to be done whilst awake and come one after the other meaning just as you recover from one, you feel great for a day before they treat you again and you go back to feeling rough again. I likened it being kicked in the balls once a week for six weeks. Just as you got over one you went back and started all over again.
Yes it's been a strange week remembering my history of operations and treatments but having said that it was uncomfortable and if you've read some of the earlier stuff you'll know that it's no easy ride and it isn't for wimps. I was a wimp to start with but I wanted to be cured and I wanted to live. I was determined to see the treatment through and trusted in my consultant and the team (with a few documented exceptions).
Overridingly though, I'm still here and it's got to be 8 years and around 6 years clear. Every minute, hour and day takes me into longer being clear, less likelihood of recurrence and a fitter healthier life.
I've now a new lady in my life and life is really exciting again. It's a little rocky as we've both got baggage but who wouldn't have after 50 years on the Earth :-) I can see a life ahead of me that I wouldn't have had had it not been for the dedication of my health team and the care I was given.
It's a rocky road and your head interferes and messes with your senses and the little voice in your head tries to depress you but don't listen to all that. Today's techniques and drugs and more of us living through Cancer should be encouragement.
I was re-reading a book the other day and it reminded me that Cancer cannot survive in alkaline and sugar free environments. I do need to go "eat my own dog food" though as I haven't been adhering to my diet for the past 6 months and I must get back to it.
Good luck to my friends in their treatment though. The big lesson from being under the NHS was that it is a wonderful organisation but it moves at its own speed you cannot rush it. Likewise it takes longer than you think to recover and get "back to normal" so don't try to rush it and don't do what I did by rushing back to exercise and putting myself back weeks.
Friday, November 07, 2014
Then a Friend Gets Cancer
And it all comes flooding back and no matter how hard you try it affects you. My friend has Bile Duct Cancer and needs chemotherapy before they can do anything. It's not a great situation especially as they told him he didn't have cancer and then changed their minds....
He's a lot younger than I was when I got Bladder Cancer. I had a chat with him earlier in the week and he's in good spirits and we chatted generally about treatment, time taken to get things done and his pain management. I was suggesting that he might like to get some soups and the like in as may not actually feel like eating after treatment. Let's hope he does OK and everything works out. As he is young they (the professionals) are throwing the book at him.
It's made me feel quite strange this week. Bile Duct is quite a rare Cancer and so let's hope that they sort him out. The worst part is his brother died just a month or two back of a brain tumour. He had to go tell his dad that he had cancer. How awful.
He's a lot younger than I was when I got Bladder Cancer. I had a chat with him earlier in the week and he's in good spirits and we chatted generally about treatment, time taken to get things done and his pain management. I was suggesting that he might like to get some soups and the like in as may not actually feel like eating after treatment. Let's hope he does OK and everything works out. As he is young they (the professionals) are throwing the book at him.
It's made me feel quite strange this week. Bile Duct is quite a rare Cancer and so let's hope that they sort him out. The worst part is his brother died just a month or two back of a brain tumour. He had to go tell his dad that he had cancer. How awful.
Friday, October 24, 2014
Flexible Cystoscopy - All Clear and No Stinging
I thought I'd write this quickly as for the first time ever, I've not had any stinging or any pain following my flexible Cystoscopy so maybe this may help for anyone in the future going through it.
Firstly, it is most important that you relax when having the procedure. Today I was with my new friend and partner P who accompanied me (I normally go alone). SHe is a very calming influence but we talked about yoga breathing and so I did my usual deep breathing exercises breath in, hold for a long slow count of three and slowly exhale. Whilst I knew I was tense I made a real effort to de-stress as I went into the room. Relaxing isn't easy I grant you but I'm an old campaigner now and I know what to expect.
I use stress balls to grip onto but I relaxed my body. It feels like you want to urinate when they put the scope in and so I just went with that as if I was urinating and just let it go. Things were fine even my consultant noted how relaxed I was. The whole procedure was over and done with - it was as usual uncomfortable but not painful.
P told me to use Arnica which is what she used with her eye operations. I'm a bit of a sceptic but had two lots (2 tabs under tongue) last night, One lot first thing and one just before the procedure (alongside my usual 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen). I had two more as I was driving home and I have to say it seems to have worked wonders. I have just been to the toilet and lo and behold no intense stinging at all. You can feel it is different but no stinging which is amazing as I've never had that before.
So there we go - another 6 months, another all clear and life carries on - which is great.
Firstly, it is most important that you relax when having the procedure. Today I was with my new friend and partner P who accompanied me (I normally go alone). SHe is a very calming influence but we talked about yoga breathing and so I did my usual deep breathing exercises breath in, hold for a long slow count of three and slowly exhale. Whilst I knew I was tense I made a real effort to de-stress as I went into the room. Relaxing isn't easy I grant you but I'm an old campaigner now and I know what to expect.
I use stress balls to grip onto but I relaxed my body. It feels like you want to urinate when they put the scope in and so I just went with that as if I was urinating and just let it go. Things were fine even my consultant noted how relaxed I was. The whole procedure was over and done with - it was as usual uncomfortable but not painful.
P told me to use Arnica which is what she used with her eye operations. I'm a bit of a sceptic but had two lots (2 tabs under tongue) last night, One lot first thing and one just before the procedure (alongside my usual 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen). I had two more as I was driving home and I have to say it seems to have worked wonders. I have just been to the toilet and lo and behold no intense stinging at all. You can feel it is different but no stinging which is amazing as I've never had that before.
So there we go - another 6 months, another all clear and life carries on - which is great.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Belongings
I popped around to see Mrs. F. who has sold the house and has found a new place, a lot smaller, to live in. I feel bad about it but there you go, it's progress. I had to be in attendance to make sure that the Piano was moved out and it has gone to its new home in Sussex.
I then had to go through a lot of my stuff to see what I want to keep and so on. I've taken photos and so on to allow that to happen. As Mrs. F. will move to a smaller place there is a lot of furniture that she just wont need - it wont fit and I'm not sure about the total cost of storage for it either. It's a bit of a catch 22 as I want to keep my books but do I want to store the bookcases. In a few months the cost of storage will reach the cost of buying new.... So I'm having to do an exercise to rationalise all these thoughts. I do hope to keep the Victorian Table and Chairs - it seats 14 and is built, as were all things in those days, to last.
At least things are moving on that front.
Judgement day looms and I hope that it goes well for what else can you do? I'm not being as rigid with my diet as I should but I'm back to losing weight gradually and sensibly now that P is healthy and has put some weight back on.
I've also been lumbered with a number of little jobs that are stealing my time when I should be launching my business.... The worry is that the money I have left is evaporating a little too fast for my liking but it is controllable - just. More effort after this week is essential.
I then had to go through a lot of my stuff to see what I want to keep and so on. I've taken photos and so on to allow that to happen. As Mrs. F. will move to a smaller place there is a lot of furniture that she just wont need - it wont fit and I'm not sure about the total cost of storage for it either. It's a bit of a catch 22 as I want to keep my books but do I want to store the bookcases. In a few months the cost of storage will reach the cost of buying new.... So I'm having to do an exercise to rationalise all these thoughts. I do hope to keep the Victorian Table and Chairs - it seats 14 and is built, as were all things in those days, to last.
At least things are moving on that front.
Judgement day looms and I hope that it goes well for what else can you do? I'm not being as rigid with my diet as I should but I'm back to losing weight gradually and sensibly now that P is healthy and has put some weight back on.
I've also been lumbered with a number of little jobs that are stealing my time when I should be launching my business.... The worry is that the money I have left is evaporating a little too fast for my liking but it is controllable - just. More effort after this week is essential.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Six Days to Judgment Day
Judgement Day (shamelessly stolen from Steve's blog HERE!) is just 6 days away. I can feel the tension rising. I know that I've actually not stuck as rigidly to my diet as I should have although I'm now getting back on track. It's very difficult to be looking after someone and feeding them up and at the same time trying not to feed yourself up.
Both P and I have been in the wars as such and She will be attending Hospital the day before me to see how her Cataract Operation has worked out. She doesn't think it is anywhere near an improvement which is a worry as after her Detached Retina Op, the Cataract grew rapidly :-(
The next morning it is my turn to get checked out. I can feel some tension no matter how "well" I feel. It is interesting though that for the past few weeks I've been having the hot flushes I had when I had treatment - that's weird indeed.
Life is indeed crazy and we were away this week to Cambridge to see L my youngest daughter's Graduation - which was a wonderful affair although she managed to send me to the wrong end of Cambridge altogether so I had to rush to get to the Ceremony in the centre where I hadn't long been before. It was a day of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as P was then waiting for me in the centre of Cambridge and I was back on the outskirts as the second part of the celebrations were held on Campus.
It is always nice to be in Cambridge though, I like it but I'm not sure I'd like to live there, it is just so busy with tourists, locals and of course, students.
Both P and I have been in the wars as such and She will be attending Hospital the day before me to see how her Cataract Operation has worked out. She doesn't think it is anywhere near an improvement which is a worry as after her Detached Retina Op, the Cataract grew rapidly :-(
The next morning it is my turn to get checked out. I can feel some tension no matter how "well" I feel. It is interesting though that for the past few weeks I've been having the hot flushes I had when I had treatment - that's weird indeed.
Life is indeed crazy and we were away this week to Cambridge to see L my youngest daughter's Graduation - which was a wonderful affair although she managed to send me to the wrong end of Cambridge altogether so I had to rush to get to the Ceremony in the centre where I hadn't long been before. It was a day of being in the wrong place at the wrong time as P was then waiting for me in the centre of Cambridge and I was back on the outskirts as the second part of the celebrations were held on Campus.
It is always nice to be in Cambridge though, I like it but I'm not sure I'd like to live there, it is just so busy with tourists, locals and of course, students.
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