The biggest change

Is that what's important to me these days isn't important to my friends and family. Not that it should be of course, everyone has their life to live. I'm still not quite up to the bit where I want to do the world cruise or do some outrageous things. What will be will be and in the interim I am pursing my particular dream and seeing if this project will deliver a living for say the next 5 years which will kind of do me. If I can turn a few bucks, sick some of that away I have plenty of things Ii want to do and that will keep me amused for quite a while I hope - if I'm spared that time of course.

Now this all sounds a bit strange you may say? I was out with Flocky for a mid day curry - we were the only ones in the restaurant and the food was excellent and the service was of course exemplary. Now we are both, more or less, in the situation where our high flying crazy, work all hours, burn yourself out culture of work has resulted in the two of us taking a different view on life, work and all that. Whilst I may have come out of over 2 years in the Charity, I would never have lasted there because I come from corporate life where it's all about economies, smart ways of working, change and having really good productive people. So I've opted for something that at the moment is intellectually challenging and if we get finance will be physically challenging too. However, my choice and it could never be like the way I used to work years ago.

So trying to get back on track here. I find that so many people are getting stressed out working and taking it all so seriously (OK the market is bad, the economy is rubbish and the way work is these days is stressful enough). However, getting ill really does stop you and make you ask the question of whether or not you are enjoying this thing that takes so much of your time. Ask you why there are all the petty little things that go along with and all that. Is it all worth it? Are yo doing the right thing? Can you stop or alter your life and actually go and live a little.

I've been mulling just that - I'd like to go do something else, I'd like to spend some time with my family and friends but everyone is so busy that they really can't afford that time. It seems that the attitude that it isn't that important, that nobody died, that I tend to have is not the way non-cancer, non serious illness sufferers look at things. A bit like the terminally ill lung cancer patient continuing to smoke - sort of what's the point of giving up? Indeed! But there is the other view, a very personal one. The euphoria of surviving it - like me I know the years and months and almost the days and hours if I thought about it from first symptoms to here I am. The joy of living is suddenly a different thing. I suppose nothing, not even a close family member or friend dying actually prepares you for your ultimate destination? I mean it isn't something the average person thinks much about.

One of the guys in the Lodge, 62, wandering along the High Street, heart attack and was dead before he hit the pavement (side walk). That's it, there's no second chance, no goodbye, nothing. Walked out of the door, down the road and no one saw him alive again. I bet people were saying, I didn't get to say "so and so" to him blah, blah, blah. It is the nature of these things. They describe it as tragic. Everyone regrets something about a tragedy.

I feel the need to be doing things today so that if anything happens in the future there won't be regrets or what ifs but only me - no one else gets it (well probably not true - some people I know will get it - guess what we've got in common?).

A life lived. I doubt I could claim to have that but everyone makes a difference one way or the other. Sometimes you hear of these lives where people have done amazing things and I'm not interested in that either. I just want the remaining time I have left of which I don't know how much that may be to have some sort of meaning or celebration or experience to it. Given the circumstances behind my bladder cancer I'm not ruling out some other such occurrence before I turn my toes up. All I want to do is to spend some time doing enjoyable things but most of these are met by a reason it can't be achieved. A weekend away, a holiday or short break, a trip out somewhere. Something to do, somewhere to spend some time together. Oh well, maybe the answer is to go do it myself or find someone who fancies joining me on some of these things.

Well that all looks a bit jumbled up, I think it means the same as some of my earlier postings. You change, no one else does and you can't expect them to. They just need to get over it. Either that or I'm just changed so much that I'm not the person they knew before I had the experience. Whatever it is, it kind of shows that cancer does more than getting a broken leg or a heavy cold. I've come out of it changed in so many ways that I tend to forget how difficult it is for others to deal with my view of the world. It changes the dynamics of your relationships, your family life changes quite a bit, I know now that everyone was sh1t scared but they never told me - I suppose you wouldn't do that.

It has made me a much nicer person (some people would have difficulty remembering how I was before this all blew up) I'm not sure I liked myself very much in those days and yet I do feel that I was coming down with something for a few years leading up to diagnosis. I lost the job I'd always desired but that doesn't matter either now - it's all experience, stuff I bring to bear these days for helping people and whilst I still have a major problem with fools and idiots (I have a very low threshold for people who are stupid. Stupid and Ignorant really gets me going!) I get on with people a lot better and generally feel I've come a long way now to being a more patient, all around good guy.

I think it is difficult to articulate this without it sounding wrong but let me see if I can try it. A friend of mine told me that he didn't want to live on his own as he didn't want to die alone. How sad is that statement? I'm seriously considering whether that would worry me or not? I'm an INTJ I can go for days without needing to say anything to anyone if I want to. My public face and who I am are completely different and so I think it would work OK. if I need to see anyone there are coffee shops, pubs and all sorts of distractions. I think what I'm saying is that I just want to please myself and be selfish, do what I want to do, when I want to do it and not be held back by external forces and limitations that are not of my doing, not in my control and that, perhaps, may finally settle where I want to go and what I want to do. I'm as tired of my home life as I was of working at the charity. Like the place is full of nice people but the word dynamic just got cut out of the dictionary when they joined. Not all of them there are a couple of good ones there as there is here. I feel I should be doing more with my life than routine and imprisonment by factors outside of my control. By imprisonment it means that I naturally wish to involve people in my plans. I will, I notice, not do things myself if they cannot join in. Perhaps, I take control and just go and do them myself it may clear my head and my conscience too.