Apprehension

Is exactly what I'm feeling - it's 00:15 Monday morning - I'm awake, I'm trying hard to be positive this week and yet I don't feel positive at all. I think the impact of last week's set back on the business still shook me and I spent a lot of time at the weekend trying to rationalise that.

It's a matter of stepping up once again and really getting a grip of the stuff we have left to do. The biggest disappointment has been people. In fact all along it's been people. We've suffered from a lack of commitment or, as in last week's case, through some strange behaviour. Invariably the 6 people who started last year's journey went to 4 and is now definitely 2. I think that there's a bad taste about it too as the risk is all ours, in a way we knew it would be but not to this depth. It's frightening that they've let it go when they were so enthusiastic. I think if it had been me I would have tried hard to stay involved and to do something, no matter how little it would be.

Oh well - another day tomorrow and hopefully when Tuesday and Wednesday are out of my system I feel better:

Tuesday is a review with my GP - it is very early in the morning so we can get that out of the way. Wednesday is Pre-Assessment day and again early enough that I can be home around mid morning. I am quite worried about both of them and I think it is just a combination of the way things are at the moment. I'm having one of my feeling down moments. I'll spring back, I always do.

My fear is that I may be getting like my dad and starting to get this anxiety streak. I hear myself sometimes and pull myself back into check. I feel his frustration - I too hate getting old and having had cancer it throws many worries into your head (justified or not). Many of these are not nice scenarios - you play through what-ifs and off you go into a bad place. I'm reasonably good at policing myself, I'm reasonably good at being upbeat but you must have these occasional blips - it's natural.

Talking of natural - I'm really pleased that I'm continuing to eat more fruit and veg and my FOCC in the morning and I've started to begin to feel the benefit - I must remember that I need to keep at it and not to fall back into the trap that I did after the last visit to the Hospital where they beat me up so bad that I fell out of the habit of exercising.