Bad day

But it started well - heard dad whistling away in the background when my mum spoke - he sounded quite chipper and having spoken to him yesterday I was heartened to hear him being cheerful. He is though losing weight and that's not a great sign of course and so we had a chat about that. Hopefully some of the Hamper we've sent them for Christmas will contain food too build him up. Of course he can't eat a lot either as he fills up so quickly. It's difficult to know what to do about it really, Budwig FOCC may help but I'm not sure he will go for it but I can but ask the question. I don't know why I've been morose today - perhaps it is work and the old doubts coming in again, perhaps it is that I thought that, by now, we would have made some progress. I would have but the team are taking a structured process that does mean a series of serial events rather than a parallel programme of work. Oh well, it will be what it will be but I suppose I'm just feeling it at the moment more then normal. We have our last meeting on Thursday but nothing much else to do, the presents are all bought and wrapped, the food is all being delivered with just light provisions needed later in the week and I've some accounts to complete and then I can relax and take a few weeks off. I wanted to get stuck in and do some extra work today but realised that I'd done this before and got nowhere - this for the company and my different approach, I favour a more flamboyant sales campaign, perhaps we will find out what people are expecting from us on Thursday. It's just been an emotional day again, the girls being home and us being a family yesterday and today has been great and I realise how much I miss L being around - she makes up the crazy, lively element (like me) and Mrs. F. and A are the steadying influences (most of the time). Mrs. F. and L are working all week, A is finishing off her dissertation and I just need to sort myself out a bit and try and work on being a bit more upbeat. I do find it surprising that I have these mood swings quite as often as I do. I suppose on top of this is that I should be having my yearly blood check around now (which isn't going to happen until sometime next year now as they moved it - when I expressly told them that this time of year is great for me as no one is sitting in the queue waiting!). Additionally I normally have a check up about now and that hasn't happened either. It's all playing on my mind, my friend now unlikely to ever come out of hospital/care, my dad, the business and other things are niggling me, not as bad as I was a few weeks ago but I'm not my normal cheery self and I realise that I've been neglecting myself of late and that is pretty much a sign of being depressed with me, I tend to go out of my way to hurt myself - not in any physical way but eating stupidly and drinking too much and that sort of thing although I haven't overdone the drink I have been eating junk food and at silly hours of the day. This will all have to stop and it's just me beating myself up over stuff that's beyond my control. Anyway, apart from feeling a little fragile tonight, verging on tearful again (I really hate that), I'm pretty much confident that this week I will be able to get what I want done and to get into a lighter, more festive state of mind. We can but hope.