The "D" Word

I don't suppose that anything could have been like it was those almost 6 years ago when I learnt I had cancer and just had no idea what to expect.  The ups and downs of that time were pretty horrible and black and terrifying and so what I'm going through today ought to be small beer to that.  I've had one of my "emotional" days today.  It sounds pretty silly and in a way it is but in other ways you have to understand that this is where a lot of people start off from, something silly, something small, something that to you or I may be inconsequential and yet in so many ways it isn't minor at all.


Today is a series of things really.  My dad isn't getting any better - well you wouldn't expect him to but he's getting weaker and frailer by the day and we all know where it is heading and perhaps it is finally sinking in for me?  Then there's the work situation which is depressing of course as it appears no one these days has any vision and no one wants to invest and yet they are all "mouthing off" about innovation, next thing, multi million pound businesses etc and yet they don't really mean it.  Then there's the "what am I going to do next" scenarios and then it begins to start gnawing away at me.  "What if!"  0 that should be banned from the language :-)  You can't do anything about history - it's in the past and I know that there is nothing I can do to change that and yet I beat myself up over my past but that's happened - logically I know this, it isn't important and yet there it goes and it is upsetting.  Then there's the bit about what do I want to do and once again that's in the future and hasn't happened yet and I know that too.  Sure I can make plans and think about it but to what effect.


So I find myself in this sort of trough of depression and yet I know that I shouldn't even be there.  It's lovely here, the sun is out, it is beautifully warm, I'm going off to meet lots of friends and have a good evening and yet somehow my brain won't let me enjoy it.  It will be forgotten tonight but I think I might need to tip Mrs. F. off that I'm not in a good place at the moment just in case she hasn't worked that out for herself.  It could of course all be down to Friday's CT Scan but I doubt it.


Anyway - I recognise these things and just work on a way to get through them and that tends to work itself out in the end.