New Week New Outlook

I've been in a funny old place since being diagnosed with Bladder Cancer way way back in July 2006.  It really has completely thrown my life into a different place and all that period up until diagnosis of sacrifice at the altar of capitalism changed in a very swift way.  The funniest thing was that I thought, back then, I had direction something that I'm not absolutely certain I had then or have now.  Since diagnosis I've been struggling coming to terms with what it all means, how I've been affected, what I want to do and so on.  It's a long old "mid life crisis" and for much of that time I've been trying to weigh it all up.  I'm not saying that I've succeeded or that I'm anywhere nearer answering the questions I'm posing myself but that I'm now in a comfortable place with myself.


This morning, for once in a long time, I've sat down at my PC without the anxious drive to do something and by that I mean that I generally sit here and feel guilty if I'm not doing something constructive and yet, today, there is nothing to do - all my actions are done, my work here is finished and I'm waiting for someone to get back to me, a call to arrive and nothing else.  The day is my own until something else happens.  Close to 2 years work is now over and things will be what they will be, there is a plan and things will happen today and down the week but there is nothing I can physically do to make it happen it is out of my control.  


What to do with the time now available?  Well some tidying up and getting my desk cleaned up.  Throw away all the old rubbish and recycle all the paper around here :-) I've some things to do in terms of sorting out accounts and also I have to update my diary with all my commitments in it.  Arrange to go see my folks and generally start to consider what to do next in terms of a job, career or vocation.  


Of course, that could be considered defeatist and I suppose in a way if you look at it without my knowledge of the situation it could be.  In fact it is proper risk management in action as I can see the possibility of a train wreck in the distance and I'm mitigating it.  It would be amusing to get to the end of the journey and find that we can proceed no further and not have a Plan B :-)


It is a beautiful sunny spring day outside and I'm feeling good and positive, I'm losing weight, I feel well and the holiday was the right thing to do to get my head back in the right place and to calm me down and level off the anxiety I was beginning to feel. 


I have to also get in touch with my GP and get my BP reading done - maybe next week will be good for that with this amount of weight lost and also the pressures gone.  Also need to call to arrange my CT Scan.  Anyway, things have slowed right down now and hopefully that will allow me the time to reflect and consider my situation fully.  I certainly hope so.