Just Get On With It - It Seems Selfish Somehow

I've never thought myself selfish and I would always help others above myself and somehow I've got to start to look out for myself.  I had this problem early on when I had cancer.  I spent most of the time helping other people come to terms with my illness and never really looked inwards and towards my own well being and I recall this internal fight I had at the time.  Given where I am now and my situation I suppose I ought to realise that I can't make things better for other people.  I can help them understand it but I can't do anything about it.

I was pretty cut up on Friday about my friend - but I can't do anything.  I was pretty cut up about Mrs. F. but I can't do anything about it.  

Difficult as it is I need to look after No.1 and that's it for the moment.  I can't live anyone's life for them no matter how I feel for and about them.  

I am also having some pretty awful flashbacks at the moment and some flash forwards.  I know what this is - it's about the uncertainty of where I am at the moment, getting old, being on my own and it is also about where do I see myself in a few years.  

I've walked out on my wife and also on a number of friendships that sort of leave me regretting that they didn't blossom to where I dreamt they might.  My dreams lie in tatters but that's really not the point either, I realise that dreams and plans that I used to have (that felt real) aren't to be trusted they end up disappointing me and so this living in the present (which is not easy to do) continues to require hard work to stay on track and focussed.

Today I start to change that once again as I'm almost there in terms of business planning.  I need to concentrate a little more and get things finished I also need to stop this worrying about other people.  I cannot do anything about it.  I need to pull away and disengage myself from it too.  I'm doing all the driving and I think that realistically I need them to do any driving or any actions.  It isn't for me to do.

This is all about making the break and moving on.  It is pretty difficult not to hanker back to the easy life I had.  To yearn for the friendships I had and strive for things that cannot possibly happen no matter how unpalatable that feels to me now.  I need to move on and that's it.